1 Happy St

This year at your New Years party, make sure that you're the guy to shout out "FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!!", but instead, do it like every 20 minutes from the time you get there. It'll get good laughs in the beginning, but by the 3rd or 4th time, someone will want to strangle you. Trust me, it'll be the highest of high comedy, at least for you. Okay, onto the Randoms:

- I read Roger Ebert’s original review of “The Brown Bunny” like 3 years ago. So why have I still not seen it yet?

- It doesn’t get much better than hot and spicy Cheese-It’s, Fruit Punch Gatorade, a salami, cheese, and ham sandwich, or a Tivo’d episode of The Office, unless of course all of these things are happening at once.

- As if opening a DVD case wasn’t hard enough, now they started making them with those two little plastic clamps on the top and bottom. What’s that all about?

- There’s so many words that break the “I before E except after C” rule, so why were we even taught it? That’s just “weird”.

- 2006 has come and gone without me ever getting really excited for an upcoming movie. Basically what I’m saying is Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell better get crackin’, and it better not be for Ricky Bobby 2.

- I’m always extra cautious on the drive home from the grocery store if eggs are involved. But really, how much does an egg cost? Like a nickel?

- It defeats the purpose of locking your front door at night if you’re going to accidentally leave your keys in it.

- I hate the guy at work who says “how can you eat there?” when I bring my lunch back to my desk. Like I really need someone to point out that I shouldn’t be eating Taco Bell.

Happy New Year Everyone!

New Years is a stupid holiday if you think about it. All we're really celebrating is a date on a calendar that was chosen arbitrarilly. The Gregorian calendar (yes this blog is just an excuse for me to use the word "Gregorian") could have just as easilly be written with December as the first month instead of January. Then at least we wouldn't have to wait 50 days to play the dang Rose Bowl!

Even the ways in which we celebrate this holiday are retarded. Can someone please explain Auld Lang Syne to me? And gathering in New York to watch a big ball drop? Why? What kind of stupid tradition is that? Watching a giant clock I can understand, but what is the significance of the frigging ball? All it does is drop. Slowly. Until it stops. Ohhhh, how exciting, get the kids!!!

Personally I just think that New Years Eve is just a consipiracy put forth by the American Broadcasting Company so they can get their money's worth out of their animatronic "Dick Clark" robot. Oh yeah, you didn't know that Dick Clark's been dead since the 70's? Just look at those soul-less eyes. Of course he's a robot. He'll be paid off in 2016.

- I desperately want to like the new show on TBS called "My Boys". But why do they have to force-feed us that heavy sports-related dialogue? Does anybody talk like that? Okay, we get it, she’s a girl and she likes sports!

- I’ll continue to watch it though as long as Jim Gaffigan is involved. But it’s not a good omen if this is the only reason I continue coming back. Thoughts on the show anyone?

- If there’s a better feeling than putting on a brand new pair of socks, I urge you to come up with one. Okay not really, but you know what I mean.

- There’s 5 stages to being an SNL fan: first, you’re too young to watch it, but you’ve heard things. Second, you fall asleep mid-way through it. Third, you watch the whole thing. Fourth, you miss all of it because you’re not home. And fifth, you fall asleep midway through it again. Sadly, I’ve reached the 5th stage.

- Every time I see the Dunkin Donuts marketing slogan "America runs on Dunkin", I kinda get sick to my stomach a little bit.

- The week following Christmas is always kind of lame. But it’s even worse if you know your New Years plans suck.

- We’re at the point now where cell phones can do everything EXCEPT make phone calls. "Well it gets a crappy signal, but look, it turns into a fishing pole!"

Our family just got over the bug that's been going around. My 6 year old got the worst of it, which made for a particularly enjoyable drive to Grandmas house on Friday afternoon. My condolences to the maintenance crew of the I-94 Exit 42 rest area. If I'd known it was going to end like that, we wouldn't have stopped for Wendy's on the way. But at least it wasn't in my van!

Speaking of diseases, I'm guessing that they named "Heart Disease" on a Monday or a Friday. Or maybe on the first day back from a long Christmas weekend. Seriously, they totally mailed it in on that one. Why not just call emphysema a "Lung Owwie"?

So I’m walking into my office this morning and I notice a couple co-workers of mine staring down at me from the 6th floor window. Thinking they’re making fun of me, I jokingly give them "the finger". But I get no reaction. Turns out they weren’t looking at me. I look down a bit and notice a guy I don’t know staring down at me from the 5th floor window.

Oops.

We here at 1 Happy St. would like to wish you and yours the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny effing Kay.

Here's a little gift from us to you.

I am guessing that these things sell really well.

Does anybody think Rosie O’Donnell is funny? It seems like every week we get to watch yet another clip of Rosie saying something insane, followed by the producers of The View issuing a statement either apologizing for it, or brushing it off as Rosie being Rosie. But what I can’t understand is why anyone would want to sit through a full hour of painfully unfunny dialogue by painfully unfunny women at a roundtable. Seriously, who is watching The View? It has to have an audience or else it wouldn’t be on. Perhaps it’s a lack of options. Maybe people just don’t have anything better to do in the morning than watch Rosie O’Donnell and her cohorts slobber all over each other. So I’ve come up with a short list of things to do that would be both more fun and more productive than watching The View.

- The obvious, go to the dentist. Everyone could use a good teeth-cleaning, right?

- Shop for groceries. Do you know what you’re doing for dinner tonight? No, you don’t. So go buy some food.

- Go to the post office. You need stamps.

- Get a massage. This one’s obvious.

- Build a fort. When was the last time you built a fort?

- Watch Ellen’s show. It’s only a couple clicks of the remote away. Enjoy.

Quote from Mr. Kruger in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld: "Boy we really took it on the chin this year."

A couple quotes from George Bush yesterday: "2006 was a difficult year for our troops" and "next year will bring more painful U.S. losses."

Let's all be thankful our new defense secretary isn't George Costanza.

Thoughts while reminiscing about Nickelodeon...

1. Kenan Thompson from Kenan & Kel is now on SNL. Does that mean Kel Mitchell is under suicide watch? Is it already too late? Would anyone have noticed?

2a. I would have rocked Double Dare. I could catapult a slimy rubber chicken like nobody's business.

2b. Family Double Dare was a joke. Everyone's mom always effed up the physical challenges. Good grief, Mom! How frigging hard is it fill up a bucket with gak while transporting it with a cup strapped to your head? You IDIOT!!

2c. I didn't realize until years later that the grand prize of a trip to Disney World for finishing the obstacle course was a crap prize considering the kids were already in Orlando to tape the frigging show! Good thing I just swam through that giant tank of mashed potatoes to get that red flag! Thanks a lot, Harvey!

3. I liked the dark haired girl from Hey Dude! way more than Christine Taylor... But I was always confused that her name was Brad. That left me with more questions than I needed at age 13.

4. Whenever they rerun the episode of Friends where they show Monica's prom video, I'm always thrilled to see Donkeylips is her date.

5. Did anyone else find Mr. Wizard to be kinda creepy? He just didn't look like someone with whom you'd leave your 13 year old girl alone. I remember one episode in particular in which he was pricking a poor girl with pins to illustrate the size of a human nerve. What the hell?

For some reason, certain people are just better hosts on SNL. Tom Hanks is always good. So is Christopher Walken, Steve Martin, and Jim Carrey. After last Saturday's episode, I think we need to think about adding Justin Timberlake to that list. The whole episode wasn't a winner, but the first hour was. So by my calculation, he's now 2 for 2. Click here to watch the highlight sketch while you still can.

[Editor's note, it has sound and may not be appropriate for surrounding audiences]

By now, you all know the story. Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was arrested late last week after his home was raided by police. During the raid, the local police found illegal weapons, loaded and ready, lying around his house. This of course came less than a year after he was arrested for essentially the same thing, and for which he is currently still on parole for. Two days later, his “bodyguard”, who was in his home at the time of the raid and was charged with felony marijuana possession, was shot dead in a nightclub in Chicago in which Tank Johnson was also present.

Did I get that right? Yeah, I think so.

My immediate opinion after I heard that his bodyguard had been killed was that the Bears should distance themselves as far away as possible from a guy like Tank Johnson after incidents like these. He obviously has some problems that he’s choosing not to deal with, and he’s certainly not helping the Bears in the “role model for kids” department. However, after thinking about it some more, I’ve had a change of heart.

Do I really care if local kids are negatively affected by this guy being on the team? No, I don’t. I can sit here and tell you that it’s a shame and kids look up to him and he’s bad for the city, but that’s all crap. All I really care about is the Bears winning the Super Bowl. And if Tank Johnson is the best player they have at his position, then so be it.

Go Tank!

We here at 1 Happy St. were trying to think of ways to reach a larger spectrum of people including people like convicts, she-males, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebs, dickheads... and we could think of no better place to reach all of those people than MySpace.

Visit our MySpace page here and add us to your friends.

- Whenever I get my haircut, the lady who cuts my hair always asks me how I want my sideburns. I never know an acceptable answer to this question. So from now on, I'm just gonna say "long like Elvis".

- It's never good when you hear someone sneeze, followed by them saying "oh no" while they run to the bathroom.

- Were any of you disappointed in Nicole Richie’s mug shot? I was hoping for something like Nick Nolte or Rip Torn, but she actually looked okay. What a let-down.

- You know that guy who collects all the steel and metal who drives around the neighborhood with washers, dryers, water heaters, and steel pipes hanging from the top of his pickup? You never see his truck empty. It's always over-flowing with crap and looks like it's about to spill out all over the road. But then it never does.

- I could never be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge because I can't puff out my chest for a full hour like those other guys on the show can. Eventually I have to exhale.

- It's not a good idea to ask a group of people which is better, the Zune, Zin, iPod, or any of the rest of the 1000 different available MP3 players. You're setting yourself up to get a hundred different answers and you'll be more confused afterwards than you were before you asked.

- Something tells me every female fan of "The Office" is pissed at Jim for being so mean to Pam this season while every male fan is glad he's dating the hot tan girl.

- I have an email address that nobody knows about, so I never get any mail sent there. I recognize the stupidity, yet as you read this, that address is still in service.

- If you really think about it, participating in Secret Santa at work is either really dumb, really smart, or completely pointless, depending on what kind of gift-giver you are.

- I can watch this video 100 times a day [Editor's note, be prepared for sound].

1. Why did Ray ask his dad if he wanted to "have a catch" rather than "play catch"?

2. Did Dottie Hinson intentionally drop the ball in order to let her sister be the hero?

3. When the bus drove off the end of the highway, shouldn’t it have gone straight down?

4. Did Mickey lie about why he was incarcerated to spare Pee-Wee from the details, or was he really arrested for cutting a mattress tag?

5. Why did Jason Melon and Derek think Valerie Desmond was hot?

6. How did anyone in that tournament beat Dutch?

7. Why didn’t Principal Vernon hear the window breaking, how did the window break, and did anyone ever get in trouble for it?

8. Did Brian Flanigan and Jordan have to go through some sort of couples counseling?

9. Why didn’t Initech back up their accounting system in case of emergencies such as the building catching on fire?

10. How did Matty Banks and his friend reach the pedals in order to move all those cars?

11. Why was Col. Jessep so mean to Lt. Weinberg during the final courtroom scene?

12. What is in Marsellus Wallace’s suitcase?

13. Why did Sam Wheat cast a shadow on the street when he walked?

14. Did the DCFS finally intervene at the McAllister household after the New York debacle?

15. If Teddy KGB was connected to the Russian mafia, why would he let Mike McD talk to him like that after Mike just took him for $40,000?

16. Why didn’t Ferris break into his school’s computer to change the number of his sick days prior to it reaching nine?

17. If Ivan Drago’s punches were the equivalent of over 2000 pounds, is it realistic that Rocky’s head wouldn’t have popped right off at the start of the 3rd or 4th round?

18. Did "People’s Court" really air at the same time in every region that Ray and Charlie drove through?

19. If Truman had the authority to change the mission entirely by sending Harry Stamper and his crew up to the asteroid rather than using actual astronauts, why didn't he have the authority to over-rule the military advisor who detonated the bomb from Earth.

20. Why was it necessary to transport all of those criminals on the same plane? Couldn't they have transported them in shifts?

Can you name all 20 movies referenced?

The story: Steelers linebacker Joey Porter called Browns tight end Kellen Winslow gay following their game last Thursday night.

The reaction: People are upset at Porter for using "gay" as a derogatory term.

The apology: "I would just like to say it was a poor choice of words in the comment I made. If I offended anybody, I apologize for that. I only meant to offend Kellen Winslow."

Brilliant.

Just Brilliant.

- I had this prediction last Thursday: Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. Okay, so I didn’t get the score right, but I was right on with Rex, and did you notice it was 28-13 late in the 3rd quarter? Damn I’m good.

- I wish my older brother would have made himself famous on SNL, then in the movies, and then overdosed on cocaine. Because then I could be a no-talent ass-clown who would ride his coattails for 30 years, have my own TV show called "According to Brian", and I would get myself invited into the MNF broadcast booth during a Bears game and make every Chicagoan watching the game cringe whenever I spoke.

- Question from Jill after a Rams defensive back got whistled for pass interference in the 3rd quarter: "Shouldn’t the defensive player WANT to have pass interference?"

- You can make fun of me all you want for continuing to watch football games with Jill, but I thought that was smarter than anything Joe Theismann said all night.

- It’s true, pass interference is a dumb penalty. Imagine explaining it to a kid who’s learning football for the first time. "Okay, your job as the cornerback is to interfere with the pass. But make sure you don’t get called for pass interference." You have to hand it to Jill, that question was almost brilliant.

- I love it when Joe Theismann predicts what the penalty will be by saying things like "this is gonna be holding on the Rams", then it turns out to be something like illegal contact by the Bears, but then nobody in the booth calls him out for being wrong. Stop making penalty predictions Joe!

- Why didn’t anyone mention that the Rams center couldn’t get the ball to Bulger when he was in the shotgun? Every snap was at Bulger's feet, but it wasn’t mentioned once. These new MNF announcers need a lot of work.

- I saw a commercial for athlete’s foot medicine. I think they should come up with a new name for it rather than athlete’s foot. Athlete’s foot sounds good. I want to have athlete’s foot. It would sure beat Fred Flintstone foot or pigeon foot.

- If you would have asked me before the season started which players on the Bears I would least want to lose to injury, I would have said Brian Urlacher one, Tommie Harris two, and Mike Brown three. But even now that two and three are gone, I still feel okay knowing that one is still around. There’s nobody better than that guy.

I think my 6 year old is done with Santa. Sure, it's a little sad, but mostly, it's a relief. Santa sucks. We'd go out and spend all that money on presents and that fat bastard gets all the credit!

I figured this out a couple years ago and ever since, I've been deliberately setting Santa up. The boys would come down Christmas morning and all the presents would be under the tree. The ones from Mom and Dad were wrapped but the ones from Santa weren't, so it would be clear what was from whom. Last year, Santa got them a couple of dinky toys, some clothes and some candy in their stockings. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad wrapped all the really good presents so the boys would know they were from us. It never mattered anyway, because by the end of the day, after being intoxicated with sugarplums, Santa still got all the credit! Some-of-a...!

This year my 6 year old got wise to the whole charade. Look who's ho-ho-hoing now, Chubby! And I'm eating all the cookies, too!

This is the 200th post at 1 Happy St.
To celebrate, I give you Territory War. Enjoy.

1 Happy St. has grown leaps and bounds since we started in the spring. You can help us grow even more by linking to this site on your own blogs, MySpace, Livejournal, Facebook, Yahoo360, or Xanga pages.

To add a text link, simply copy the link below and paste it on your personal web page.

<a href="http://www.number1happyst.com">1 Happy St.</a>

We will have banners and buttons for you to add to your web pages soon as well.

Thanks for your continued support of 1 Happy St.

The Situation: An Islamic group plans to build a mosque on an 11-acre site that they own in suburban Houston.

The Problem: Neighbors of that site don’t want a mosque built near their homes, citing concerns about property values, drainage, and traffic.

One Neighbor’s Solution: He built a track on his property that will hold pig races every Friday night.

That Neighbor’s Reasoning: Muslims hate pigs.

Everything about this story is true. Read it here. Pay particular attention to the neighbor’s quote at the end about his efforts to avoid becoming a laughingstock. It’s fantastic.

Not to discount the work of Ronald Reagan but I think that it would have been a lot harder to win the Cold War had Mikhail Gorbachev not had that ridiculous birthmark on his head. It's hard to take someone seriously when they've got a map of Alaska on their melon.

- I’ll eat a Twizzler if I’m hungry and it’s the only food available. But I don’t understand why someone would buy them from a gas station when there's other options like Cheez-Its, Doritos, or Slim Jims.

- I had never even heard of Orange Julius until that ridiculous SNL sketch with Sylvester Stallone a few years ago. But even now, I’ve still never seen one. Same goes for Sonic Burgers. Where are these places?

- Is it Rainbow Sherbert or Rainbow Sherbet? I think I always tried to avoid this question altogether whenever I was at Baskin Robbins by slurring something like "I'll have the Rainbow Shermermanbetman" while pointing at it through the glass.

- There is nothing more uncomfortable than being at a sporting event where the person singing the National Anthem screws up the words. But I’m sure it came pretty close for the people who were at the Dolly Parton tribute concert during Jessica Simpson’s performance. Poor Jessica.

- I like Ketchup on my hot dog. There, I said it. Now quit giving me crap about it.

- 7-11 Slurpees are just one of those items that mean more to you when you’re a kid than when you’re an adult. Same with McNuggets.

- Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. You heard it here first. But please don’t rub it in on Tuesday morning if I’m completely wrong. That would just be mean.

- "Mike" did his good deed of the day two nights ago by helping Old Guy, whose car was stuck in the snow right down the street. "Mike" helped push Old Guy’s car out of the snow, and Old Guy thanked "Mike" countless times afterwards. That "Mike" sure is a swell guy.

It's December and January can't get here soon enough. You see, I have a Family Guy calendar on my cubicle wall and this month's calendar image has caused quite a stir around the office. I was actually looking forward to this month's calendar for most of the year but now I'm regretting it.

This month is Lois. I'll admit that I have quite the crush on Lois (if one can have a crush on a cartoon). But in this picture, we have the lovely Lois in a skimpy teddy with the caption "GOT MILF?" I thought it was harmless enough. I was wrong, though it's not what you'd expect.

It's not as though my workplace is so uptight that someone's upset about the risque Lois on my wall. Uptight, no. Naive, yes. The problem is that a couple of people have asked, "What's a MILF?" One of them was an older woman. Luckily my phone rang at that exact moment so I never had to answer. Now I have to take the calendar down in case she comes back.

Did you know that 22% of people in the United States under the age of 35 have a negative net worth? Basically what this means is that for every 5 people you see who are under age 35, there’s a good chance that one of them is worse off financially than a homeless guy holding a cup with a quarter in it (unless of course that particular hypothetical homeless guy is homeless because he was late on his mortgage). Interesting, no?

So the next time you see a panhandler out on the street begging for change, be sure to tell him that he’s better off financially than 20% of the people in this country who are under age 35. Or just give him another quarter and move on.

I just discovered a freckle on the back of my hand that I had never noticed before. Perhaps I don’t know the back of my hand like I thought I did.

I haven’t yet figured out if Tenacious D is a joke or not. If they aren’t a joke, then that just makes them an average band with strange songs. If they are a joke, then I just don’t get it. They’re not particularly funny, and they’re not particularly good. So what else is left?

I think people give them a pass because Jack Black is likable, and he’s done things in the past that people have collectively enjoyed. He’s also done things that have been tongue-in-cheek funny. But this I just don’t understand. I saw their performance on SNL on Saturday and I had no clue what was going on. There was a giant robot and I think I saw some fire-breathing dragons or something. But nothing about it made me think, “wow, this is really funny” or “wow, they're really good”. So what was the point?

Somebody please help me understand Tenacious D.

- I’m not jealous of people who live in warm-weather climates. Today, I sit here with buff arms from shoveling thousands of pounds of snow while they’re all fat and flabby from sitting on their front porches drinking beer. So there.

- Quote from Bears coach Lovie Smith: "The reality is we're 10-2. We just won the division with Rex [Grossman] at quarterback, so that's what I go on." Okay, so I’m confused: does he realize they did the same thing with Kyle Orton last year?

- I’d be satisfied if I never again have to see the Volkswagen Jetta commercial with that horrific collision at the end.

- Speaking of commercials, do you think the guy in the "this is our coffee break" portion of the Chevy ad got fired for sleeping on the job?

- People talk about computers today the same way they talked about cars in the 1960’s and 70’s. "Man, this thing is fast. It’s got 2 processing cores with a 2.0 GHz processor speed per core, we’re talking about some #### muscle."

- Maybe Rex Grossman had the Vikings defense on his fantasy team. You ever think of that?

- Any time you can keep a one-loss team out of the championship game because they lost to the top-ranked team by 3 on the top-ranked team’s home field, you gotta do it.

- I would have thought that the person who invented the plug-in candle was an idiot. But it turns out they’re a genius.

- If I put "annoying and unfunny" on my resume’, would the producers of The View be interested in me as a potential co-host?

- I saw Ben Wallace up close and in person on Saturday night. He looks like Dennis Rodman on offense and Eddy Curry on defense. This is going to end badly.

- Every couple weeks, my bed gets a new pillow. But I never lose one of the old one’s. How long can this continue?

This song is stuck in my head so I'm getting it stuck in yours. Damn you, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend."

Ok, so either those pictures of Britney's goodies were doctored, or she's got a crooked vagiene. Earlier this week, I got an email from a friend of mine with a link that said "you have to check this out". So I clicked the link, and there it was. Britney's crooked vagiene.

"No way this is real," I thought to myself. "I mean really, it's crooked."

But since then, I haven't heard any denials from Britney or her people. I've only heard from others commenting that they saw Britney's vagiene. So was that real? If so, I may have to burn my retina's.

I hate that moment at the end of a long flight when you have to put your seat back to normal. Sitting straight up and down like that always makes me wonder how I sat like that in the beginning.

What’s the difference between a fell swoop and just a regular swoop?

I can't wait for the Bears to put Griese in at quarterback so that he can suck badly for 2 games, then everyone can make their pleas for the return of Grossman.

What would be more newsworthy? Hearing that Snoop Dogg got arrested, or hearing that Snoop Dogg didn’t get arrested?

Was I the only person who was hoping that Scott Skiles would have a headband on while coaching the Bulls last night?

Things they don’t tell you before you get married: Having two families is nice, but it also means you have to eat twice as much during the holidays.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. My wife was pissed.

I'm guessing Sneezy and Sleepy didn't get along very well. It's also probably a safe bet that Grumpy felt like clocking Happy on more than one occasion, too.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend because girls want a friend they can wrap around their finger.

Dogs are man's best friend because they want a friend they can lock in the bedroom when company comes over.

I think that no matter how long your car lease is, its twice as long as you want it to be.

Am I the only one who wishes for chaos in the BCS every year? A 5-way tie for #1 would be the sports equivalent to finding out that Al Sharpton prefers Aunt Jemima syrup over Mrs. Butterworth.

Buying a new calendar is a tough decision. You have to live with it for a whole year. It's November and I'm sick of the Family Guy. I'm hoping that next year's calendar, "Twelve months of Borat" stands the test of time better.

A period is a common misconception.

We're all doomed! It's true. Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock. I mean, if those two kids can't make it work, what chance to any of us have? I really thought theirs was true love. It's not often a woman finds someone that will marry her despite having a sex tape in wide circulation involving her and her disgusting ex-husband. And it's rare for a man to find someone who will agree to marry him knowing full well he is doing so simply for her ...um... physical attributes. If that kind of relationship can't last, I've given up all hope.

I don't know how you feel, but for me, it feels kind of weird when I watch Seinfeld reruns now.

Here's wishing you and yours a blessed and happy Thanksgiving. We here at 1 Happy St. would like to take this time to thank you for your loyalty over the last 8 months. This blog has grown leaps and bounds since we began and we couldn't have done it without all of you. Well we suppose we could have, but what would have been the point? Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by and we hope we can continue to be a part of your day for many years to come. As a token of our gratitude, we give you the Thanksgiving Song, as performed by Adam Sandler back when SNL was good.

Has anyone else ever noticed the striking resemblance between Barry Manilow and Clay Aiken? It's uncanny!

You ever want to feel really old? Watch a music awards show. I had no idea what was going on most of the time, I hadn't heard of half the acts, and of the one's I was familiar with, they had me completely confused. I guess there's a reason people like me aren't allowed on MTV anymore.

- There was a line in the beginning of Beyonce’s song that sounded like she said “If I farted, please don't touch”. I kept rewinding, and every time I heard the same thing. Even now I don’t know what the line really was, but if she really said "If I farted”, I am totally buying that CD. (Editor's note: the line is actually "If I bought it", but Brian maintains that is still sounds like "If I farted". Skip to the 41 second mark of this video to see for yourself)

- If there’s a difference between The Pussycat Dolls and a handful of strippers, could you please tell me what that is?

- The Pussycat Doll on the left tripped over her stripper stool during her stage performance. It was beautiful. It looked like they put that routine together an hour before the show.

- I like that song by Jay-Z. It's catchy and fun. The music industry without him was like the NBA without Jordan in the mid-90's. We're all better off with him around. Although according to Don, Jay-Z coming back is like Jordan returning to the NBA, but on the Wizards. He may have a point.

- Gwen Stefani’s performance made no sense to me whatsoever. I’d tell you more about it, but my eyes and ears were bleeding the whole time.

- Do you think John Mayer looks around some times and thinks to himself, "these are my peers?"

- The reason I could never be the producer of a show like this: I’d focus the camera on Snoop Dogg for the duration of Barry Manilow’s performance, and I’d focus the camera on Barry Manilow for the duration of Snoop Dogg’s performance.

- Did blowing on the inside of the Nintendo cartridge actually make it work, or did that do nothing at all?

- It’s a good thing the Cubs traded away those two pitching prospects last offseason for one year of service from Juan Pierre. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to suffer through those ridiculous McDonald’s commercials all summer.

- Why am I never in Vegas at the same time Britney Spears decides she’s gonna go there and take off her pants at a club?

- Did you happen to catch Michael Richards on "Late Show with David Letterman" last night? I haven’t been that uncomfortable watching television since I saw "Monsters Ball".

- I watched "Comic Relief" on Friday night. Someone should tell Tom Arnold that Chris Farley and John Belushi died doing that.

- Someone should also tell Billy Crystal that getting multiple face-lifts won’t make him taller.

- I bought a pair of gym shoes at Meijer for $14 and they’re as comfortable as any pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I think Nike may be a scam.

Think of all the books that could be written using O.J.'s method of confessing:

- "If she was telling the truth", by the Duke Lacrosse team

- "If I had stolen all of that pension money", by Jeffrey Skilling, foreword by Bernie Ebbers

- "If I had groped her", by Arnold Schwarzenegger

- "If I gave driver's licenses to criminals", by George Ryan

- "If we knew the strap would break", by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake

- "If I planned the clubbing", by Tanya Harding

- "If that freezer was mine", by Bill Jefferson

- "If we used steroids", by Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, Bret Boone, Rafael Palmeiro, Gary Sheffield, Brady Anderson, Luis Gonzalez, and Roger Clemens

- "If I was gay", by Clay Aiken

Here's to hoping that O.J. inadvertantly started a new celebrity trend.

News Corp. has announced that it will not release the much publicized book in which OJ Simpson describes in vivid detail how the murders of his ex-wife and friend would have happened if he was the murderer. Fox News was set to air a 2-part interview with the author-slash-slasher leading up to the book's scheduled release later this month.

The book, entitled If I Did It, made waves when the details were released to the media last week. Many saw it as a flagrant ratings grab while exploiting the families of the victims. Chairman of News Corp., Rupert Murdock, released a statement today stating, "We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson."

In place of the canceled television special, Fox News will air a reenactment of the unaired interview entitled "IF We Had Used Sweeps Week to Give Airtime to a Murderer".

The Chicago Cubs on Sunday agreed to an 8-year, $136 million contract with free agent Alfonso Soriano. It’s a move that will surely (or hopefully for their fans) make the Cubs one of the teams to beat in the NL Central going into next season. In related news, Cubs season-ticket holders were informed via email that their 2007 season tickets have gone up by 50%.

I heard a radio interview with Cubs announcer Pat Hughes on Saturday morning where he said he doesn’t care how much these players make in free agency. His argument was that as long as the Cubs are a competitive team, it makes no difference to him how much each player makes because he’s not the one writing the check. A good point, right? You would have thought it was because everyone on the radio show agreed with him and four or five people called in saying Pat Hughes was a genius. The only problem: HE WAS WRONG!

We DO write the checks, albeit indirectly. To pay for salaries, Tribune Co. relies on revenue from food sales, merchandising, TV rights, and most importantly, ticket sales. As fans, we buy the tickets. We also buy the food and the beer and the T-shirts. So a team's payroll directly affects us because as the cost for players goes up, so too does the cost of a ticket and the cost of a hot dog and the cost of a beer. Granted, maybe they don’t for Pat Hughes since he gets a free cushy chair behind home plate for every game. But for the average fan like me, these player salaries are out of control.

Seinfeld's Michael Richards was caught on tape pulling a Mel Gibson over the weekend. Appearing on stage at the Laugh Factory in L.A., apparently Richards was being heckled by a couple of men. Richards responded by repeatedly screaming a racial epithet.

His friend, Bob Sacamano, could not be reached for comment.

Okay, so I hate to make light of a tragedy, but isn't this eerily similar to the plot of "Final Destination"? Was Death after this poor guy?

Jack dies of hypothermia.
Jenny dies and so does Momma.
Jesus dies but then lives again.
Malcolm was dead all along.
Norman had his dead mother in his basement.
Private Ryan lives.
Dorothy makes it back to Kansas.
ET makes it home.
Marty makes it back to 1985.
Clarence gets his wings.
James Bond gets the girl.
Rod Tidwell gets the money.
Ray Kinsella plays catch with his dad.
Roy Hobbs plays catch with his son.
Indiana Jones finds the Ark.
And the Holy Grail.
The Von Trapp family escapes to Switzerland.
Andy escapes Shawshank.
The Planet of the Apes is just Earth many years later.
Seabiscuit wins.
So does Daniel LaRusso.
The Cleveland Indians suck at first but then they win in the end... twice.
Rockford loses to Racine in the World Series.
John Nash wins a Nobel Prize.
Charlie wins the chocolate factory.
Rocky wins. Then loses. Then wins. Then Apollo dies and Rocky goes to Russia and wins again. Then he becomes an arm wrestling truck driver. Or something like that.
Rudy gets to play.
So do the Bears.
Frodo destroys the ring.
They find Nemo.
They shoot Old Yeller.
Princess Fiona becomes an ogre.
The Beast becomes a human.
Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Verbal Kint is Keyser Söze.
Neo is the one.
Soylent Green is people!
Rhett leaves Scarlett.
Rosebud was a sled.

The Chicago White Sox have acquired right-handed pitcher Awful Crap and left-hander Young Guy Who Will Never Amount To Crap from the Chicago Cubs in exchange for left-handed pitcher Formerly Good But Now Crap.

Awful Crap, 24, made 45 relief appearances over four stints with the Cubs in 2006, going 3-0 with a 4.08 ERA and 49 strikeouts.

Young Guy Who Will Never Amount To Crap, 23, split 2006 between Class A Daytona and Class AA West Tennessee, combining to go 6-5 with a 2.75 ERA and 91 strikeouts in 54 relief appearances.

Formerly Good But Now Crap, 26, went 1-2 with a 5.17 ERA and one save in 70 relief appearances with the White Sox in 2006. A native of Lebanon, Illinois, Formerly Good But Now Crap went 4-0 with a 1.94 ERA in 69 games in 2005 and earned the victory in Game 2 of the World Series. However, in 2006, he turned to crap.

The trade between the clubs is the first since July 29, 1998 when the White Sox acquired pitcher Finally Not Crap in exchange for pitcher Never Amounted To Crap.

Here. Try to get any work done today. I dare you.
Line Rider.

In an attempt to ruin your day, I will now provide you with the lyrics to "Welcome Christmas" from The Grinch. Hopefully it will remain in your head all day just like it has for me.

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas,
Come this way!

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas,
Christmas Day!

If the rule is that you're too old for video games when your six year old can beat you, then it's official: I'm too old. Andy and I played baseball on the Nintendo GameCube last night. He beat me 11-2. Fair and square. 11-2.

It wasn't a fluke either. All I could manage was 6 hits. He was up 7-1 when he sacrifice bunted a runner over and then hit a two run homer. Seriously. Sacrificing with a 6 run lead? Total bush league play. He's grounded now.

I fell asleep with the TV on last night and there was an infomercial on. I must have incorporated the infomercial into my dream because I remember being subconsciously excited about the prospects of becoming rich. Then I woke up disappointed because the infomercial’s idea really sucked.

- I don’t know anything about country music. But if What’s-her-name’s reaction at the CMA’s starts a feud between a couple of hot blondes, I’m all for it.

- You know you’re married when one of you utters the words "can you set the alarm for tomorrow, I want to get a jump start on raking those leaves."

- Another sign that you’re married: you find yourself walking the halls of Home Depot, but it’s 9am on a Sunday.

- Why do the folks that make cheese-in-a-can advertise that their product is "made with real cheese"? What else could it be made with? You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know.

- Now that Reese kicked Ryan to the curb, and Britney gave Fed-Ex his walking papers, I think the next celebrity breakup will be Patrick Dempsey and his wife. Nobody goes from Ronald Miller to Dr. McDreamy without a considerable upgrade in the spouse category. If Mrs. Dempsey were smart, she’d maintain permanent residence at his trailer.

- I can't wait for the Bears to lose next weekend so that they can be overrated again.

- I’ve been harsh on the E! Channel for its awful programming, but I finally stumbled onto something that they got right. Putting the Carter’s on television may be the best idea since HBO canceled Arliss. I don’t care that most of it looks staged. That family is still nuts.

- Does anyone know what extra virgin olive oil does? Every recipe calls for it, but would I be asking for trouble if I just used regular virgin olive oil?

- All of the other reindeer used to laugh at poor Rudolph and never let him play any of their games. All it took was Santa asking Rudolph to guide his sleigh, then all of the other reindeer quickly changed their minds and started to love him. Sounds kinda shady to me. If I was Rudolph, I would have told all the other reindeer to go piss off.

- Anyone who names their son "Damien" or their dog "Cujo" is just asking for trouble.

- I saw "Borat" on Friday night. If you’re looking to laugh hysterically for 90 minutes, you’re a guy, and nothing offends you, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. If you’re not looking to laugh hysterically, you’re a woman, or are offended easily, avoid this movie at all costs. Oh, and if you’re a drunken frat boy in an RV and you pick up a foreign hitchhiker, do yourself a favor and don’t speak.

Every year around this time, I’ll read or hear about someone complaining about the commercialization of Christmas. "Christmas should be about the birth of Christ," they’ll say. "It shouldn’t be about the amount of money you spend on presents."

In years past, I’d read or hear that and I’d agree. Too many people focus too much energy on the headaches of Christmas such as the buying of presents and the overall commercialization of the holiday, and not enough time focusing on what’s really important.

But you know what? I’ve come to a realization this year. I like the commercialization of Christmas. In fact, it’s my favorite part. Who doesn’t like getting presents? Forget about Jesus and all that nonsense. I want Seasons 1 and 2 of "The Office" on DVD.

-Former Major Leaguer Sammy Sosa has expressed his desire to play again in 2007, following a 1-year hiatus from baseball. "I want to play again so that I can reach my goal of 600 career home runs," said Sammy. Asked whether he also hopes he can help a team make it to the World Series, Sammy replied "oh yeah, that too."

-The Washington Post reports that Wizards forward Etan Thomas began arguing with teammate Brendan Haywood over comments that Haywood’s agent made. Thomas threw the first punch, and Haywood responded by slamming Thomas to the ground and tearing out two of his dreadlocks. Thomas then called Haywood a slut, and Haywood responded by calling Thomas fat.

-Free agent outfielder Carlos Lee has expressed his desire to sign with the Chicago Cubs in an effort to "stick it to his former team," the cross-town rival Chicago White Sox. When asked if he also wants to help the Cubs win the World Series, Lee said "oh yeah, that too."

-Turning back to Sosa, his agent Adam Katz has said the timeframe for Sosa to work himself back into playing shape is only 2-3 months, meaning he would be ready to go by the start of spring training. When informed that Major League Baseball still has a steroids testing policy, Katz replied "oh crap, that’s right."

-Lions WR Roy Williams said his quarterback Jon Kitna is the best quarterback in the league, but he gets overlooked because his team is currently 2-6. Asked whether it could also be because he throws a lot of interceptions, has a low completion percentage, and lacks mobility, Williams said "oh yeah, that too."

-Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder J.D. Drew opted out of the final 3 years of his contract which would have paid him a guaranteed $33 million, making him a free agent and allowing him to negotiate a new deal with any team. When asked why he would opt out of a deal that still had $33 million remaining on it, Drew’s agent Scott Boras spit out his coffee and said "wait, he had how much left?"

Hey, good news Folks! Our nation’s trade deficit improved by 6.8 % in September. According to figures, the deficit for September was $64.3 billion whereas it was $69 billion in August.

But does anybody know what the #### that means?!?!

What exactly is the deficit? Does this mean that every month, our nation falls further into debt by over $60 billion? If that’s true, then who the hell cares? We’re obviously not doing anything about it and it doesn’t seem to affect anybody, so really, who cares about the deficit? Do we owe that money back to somebody? Is a representative from CHASE calling every month and asking us for a payment?

If so, I say screw ‘em. Do what I do and stop answering the phone. We invented caller ID, right? Let's use it for what it was made for.

It's being reported that Britney Spears let her husband, rapper wannabe Kevin Federline know that she was divorcing him by sending him a text message to his Blackberry. Brilliant. Does it get any better than that? Poor KFed. No seriously. POOR KFed. He'll be working at WalMart by spring.

Lost in this story is perhaps the silver lining that Kevin needs, seeing as how he's been cut off from the cash cow (no pun intended), that this confirms once and for all that Federline can read. Wasn't Britney taking a risk here by sending that? Are we sure he didn't call her up after that and say, "Yo, why there be all these letters up in my fizone?!"

I guess this is just another example of how detached from reality celebrities can get. Divorcing over text message? What's next? Firing your publicist in a blurb on Page 6? I really don't think that its good news for humanity that we now think its acceptable to tell our spouse that we're leaving them in the same way in which we vote for American Idol.

I don't like tea. I've tried. It tastes like ass. I don't mean to say that I'm familiar with the taste of ass. What I should probably say is that tea tastes how I imagine ass to taste.

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of it right now and I have no idea why. I've never had a cup of tea that made me say, "Wow, that was a good cup of tea!"

I'd been drinking it the last couple weeks to help me get over my cold. It helped a little I guess. Plus it had the added benefit of allowing me to walk around the office with a coffee cup acting important. "Look at me with my World's Greatest Mom coffee cup. Do you get the irony? You know because I'm not a Mom? I'm so clever."

Then I found myself stuck in the middle of conversations like, "Oh, you like the honey lemon? I'm a big fan of the Earl Gray." I have to say, there's nothing like a five minute diatribe on why Earl Gray tea is the cat's pajamas to make you want to bash someone about the scull with a World's Greatest Mom coffee cup. I'm going back to the Diet Pepsi.

The White Sox signed Luis Terrero, once a top prospect, to a one-year contract Friday. He has been released twice and suspended twice already, but the 26-year-old outfielder will be invited to spring training in 2007.

Once thought to be a five-tool player, Terrero never has shown that ability and has been a problem instead. He was suspended for 29 games in 2004 for throwing a ball into the stands and punching a fan in the face following an on-field brawl. He was also suspended for kissing home plate after hitting a home run and for throwing his helmet at his manager after a strikeout.

During spring of 2005, Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez told the Arizona Republic that Terrero had "all the skills in the world. He has made some mistakes with the suspensions and doing silly things like throwing balls into the stands and attacking fans, but I think he's learning how to listen."

Oh yeah, you GOTTA make that move.

You must go see Borat. Seriously. Stop reading this blog right now and go see the movie. Why are you still here? Shut down your browser, save your documents, feed your dog, and get in your SUV and go see Borat now.

I saw it Friday night and since then I haven't been able to think of a single movie that I would consider funnier than Borat. At an hour and twenty minutes, I would guess that there were at least 75 brilliantly crafted gags. That comes out to about a laugh a minute. In fact, when I think of it like that, I would say that were probably closer to a hundred. I never stopped laughing. I missed jokes because I was already laughing so hard. My ribs ached when I left the theater. The last movie to do that was There's Something About Mary and this movie is a hundred times funnier than all of the Farrelly brothers' movies combined.

Much has been made about how offensive the movie is. I really wasn't offended. To be offended is to misunderstand what Borat represents. While obviously a sexist, racist and rabid anti-Semite (to name a few), he isn't malicious. He's merely the product of an ignorant propagandized upbringing. Ironically, he uses sexism, racism and anti-Semitism to expose those same traits in the unwitting people he encounters.

Borat comes from the nation of "Khazakhstan". I put that in quotes because really the Khazakhstan he comes from is a fictional place which has made him into the backwards, ignorant, innocent doofus he is. For instance, while Borat talks often about his hatred of the Jews, we are treated to his village's festival "The Running of the Jew". The "Jews" portrayed in this "festival" are so offensive, depicting them as green beastly creatures with giant heads, that one can't help but wonder if anyone in that village has ever met a Jew. When Borat and his companion encounter a Jewish couple later in the movie, it is clear that he has not. The character (played by Sacha Baron Cohen, himself a Jew) is clearly intended to expose racism and anti-Semitism as being rooted in ignorance and propaganda.

You give the deeply flawed Borat a pass because you know that deep down, he's as a sweet, sensitive man who is risking everything he has to find true love with C.J. from Baywatch. In fact, when it becomes clear to him that the actress who played C.J. is nothing like her in real life, it nearly destroys him. But you already know all this because you went to see the movie four paragraphs ago.

-Brian says that kids should be allowed to carry guns to school.

-Brian says that the minimum drinking age should be lowered to 16.

-Brian says that prostitution should be legalized, particularly right outside of High Schools.

-Brian is too extreme (he’s too extreme).

I’m Brian and I disapprove of this message.

After one month and four days of marriage, I can honestly say that Jill and I have had only one situation where we’ve had trouble adjusting to life as newlyweds. Jill asks the daily question "what should we do for dinner?" and I consistently respond by saying "I don’t care." But I don’t think the problem comes from my indifference to dinner. Rather I think it comes from her not believing how I could be indifferent to something so important. But that’s just the thing; I really don’t care.

You have to remember, I lived by myself for over 6 years. That’s 6 years of pizza, sandwiches, pizza, hot dogs, the occasional hamburger, and pizza. So the answer to the question "what do you want for dinner?" has always been "I don’t care, I’ll figure it out when I get home." Unfortunately, that doesn’t work anymore. Now I have to decide that morning or maybe even the night before so that preparations can be made. Hopefully with time, things will get better. One thing I can say for sure is that I’ve probably spent more time at the grocery store just this last month than I did previously for the whole year. This has to be a good sign for me, right?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I’m in charge of the salad tonight and we’re all out of cucumbers.

I stayed home from work yesterday, so I was able to catch up on some Oprah. Not that this was something that I wanted to catch up on. But if you’ve ever stayed home from work, I think you’ll agree with me that unless there’s a good movie on (which there wasn’t), Oprah is the only thing you’ll find from 9 til 10.

Anyway, the topic of the day was dieting. She had Dr. Oz on the panel, who is the author of a new book called “YOU: On a Diet”. His plan is pretty simple: cut out foods with trans fat and walk at least 10,000 steps a day. He even had a lady on the show with him that had tried his new plan for 4 weeks and she lost 25 lbs, as well as went from a size 12 to a size 8. I’m not sure what that means, but the audience cheered. In fact, the audience cheered for just about everything this good Doctor said. But what was he really telling us?

The message from his book is essentially that we have to start eating right and exercising. Do we really need a doctor telling us this on Oprah? Doesn’t every person in the world know that the secret to losing weight is eating right and exercising? We know this Good Doctor! We’re not looking for the fool-proof and obvious plan. We’re looking for the quick fix and potentially dangerous plan like stomach stapling. Or maybe even something really off the wall like the all-chocolate diet. Is there a plan like that? Give me something I can use.

Did you ever notice that certain sides of particular arguments are always trying to inaccurately label historic figures in an attempt to expose hypocrisy?

First there was a movement to insist that Jesus was black. This was undoubtedly an effort to make all them southern racist Christians square their faith against the possibility that their Savior was one of the people they hate. This was obviously a preposterous theory since Jesus was from the Middle East. Jesus was no more a black man than Conan O'Brien.

Then we heard theories that Hitler was part Jewish, as if that made his annihilation of 6 million Jews any less of an atrocity. This strikes me as sort of like saying, "See? He's one of YOU GUYS! You brought it upon yourselves!"

Over the last 10 years or so, we've been hearing that Abraham Lincoln was gay. Clearly, the intention here is to devalue the patron saint of the Republican Party by portraying him as a homosexual, as if that's supposed to make Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity march through the streets of San Francisco with rainbow flags.

All this got me thinking about what theory we'll hear next. Here are my predictions:

• George Washington was a compulsive liar.
• Charlton Heston is a vegetarian.
• William Shakespeare was dyslexic.
• Orson Wells was bulimic.
• Mr. Rogers beat his kids.
• Hugh Beaumont was a polygamist.
• Ronald Reagan's favorite color was red.
• Burt Reynolds pees sitting down.

I'm sitting in the waiting room of the eye doctor during my lunch break yesterday. There is a young couple sitting directly across from me. The guy has a blank stare on his face and is looking straight ahead, occasionally fumbling with the chain that is connecting the wallet in his pocket to his belt. The girl is infinitely more chipper and is talking with the older lady sitting next to her.

I eavesdrop to hear that they're newlyweds. The girl tells the old lady that they just got married two weeks ago. They haven't gone on a honeymoon yet, but they're planning on going to California shortly after Christmas.

The guy continues to stare straight ahead. At one point we make eye contact, but he quickly lowers his head and continues to stare in silence. I do the same because I don't want to get caught in an eavesdrop.

The lady at the front desk calls out a name.

"Heidi," she says.

The newlywed girl stands up.

"I just need to know your birthdate," says the lady at the desk.

"Oh," says Heidi. "It's 2/20/87."

- When asked to name the most underrated performer in his field, rapper Kevin Federline paused for about 12 seconds then replied, "Me."

The whole country collectively spits out their coffee.

- Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez, who had 0 hits in 24 consecutive playoff at-bats, had this endorsement from his manager prior to Game 4 of the World Series: "We're sticking with Pudge because we feel he gives us the best chance to win."

Rodriguez's backup spits out his coffee.

- Nicole Richie, whose rail-thin appearance in recent photos has stoked tabloid speculation of an eating disorder, has checked into a treatment facility to address her inability to gain weight. “She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition," said spokeswoman Nicole Perna.

Guy from Ethiopia wishes he had a cup of coffee so he could spit it.

-My co-worker Sam (talking to me, and unprovoked): "I think if you lost about 5 pounds, those pants you’re wearing would fit you perfectly."

Brian spits out mouthful of French fries.

Reese & Ryan have split up! Now if you'll excuse me while I do the dance of joy.

- I prefer "Bubblegum Bubblegum" over "eeny meeny miny moe" and "Inky Binky Bonky". It's the only one that encourages audience participation, and I think that's a good thing.

- On David Letterman’s nightly Top 10 list, why is the #1 answer always the least funny?

- Sometimes I get House Speaker Dennis Hastert and actor Dennis Haysbert confused. To make things worse, Dennis Hastert kind of looks like former Illinois Secretary of State George Ryan, which causes me to get current Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White and actor Dennis Haysbert confused in a roundabout way. If Jesse White ever says “it is very bad to drink Jobu’s rum” or “that’s Allstate’s stand” during a speech, my head may explode.

- Okay, I’ll say it. That Michael J. Fox commercial freaks me out.

- I just read that the chances of winning the grand prize in the McDonald’s monopoly game are 1 in 4.5 trillion. Which means I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in my winning lotto ticket.

- Speaking of odds, what were the chances that NBC would have two pilots in the same season that revolved around the inner-workings of a sketch comedy show, and is it possible to be a fan of one or the other without being confused about which one you’re watching? A special thanks to NBC for making the titles similar.

- Okay, I’ll say it Part II. Joel Zumaya scares me. Not quite as much as Ray Lewis, but it’s getting close. The next prison movie that comes out should have Zumaya playing the Mexican group leader.

- Since the E! Channel cut down on the number of SNL reruns it airs at night, I can now come up with exactly zero reasons why that channel still exists.

- I looked up my own name on Wikipedia and it brings me to a guy from California who is younger than me who develops video game software. If this info was put there by anybody other than him, I may have to kill myself.

- I think I can go turn on the television right now, flip through every channel I have, and there’s a better than 90% possibility that I’d be able to find some version of Law and Order on. And yet I don’t know a single person that watches any of them.

- I think I may have accidentally discovered that my right foot is bigger than my left. About a year ago, I bought a pair of dress shoes with no laces and I noticed that the left shoe was loose on my foot while the right shoe fit snuggly. So I simply chalked it up to a defective shoe. But last week, I bought a new pair of the exact same style and am now having the same problem. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15406358/?GT1=8618

November is National Novel Writing Month. What is National Novel Writing Month, you ask, obviously having not clicked on the link provided? National Novel Writing Month is a month in which the founders of National Novel Writing Month are asking that any aspiring writers dedicate themselves to writing a novel.

Do you have the dedication to write a 175 page, 50,000 word novel in 30 days? Neither do I. But I thought it might be fun to try. So I'm going to. You should too. We here at 1 Happy St. will have the link to the National Novel Writing Month webpage up on the menu to the right for the duration of National Novel Writing Month.

I'm not saying that I will finish my novel. In fact, I'm guessing that if you ask me how my novel is coming on November 20th, I'll probably look at you like you're speaking dolphin. Nonetheless, I'm registered and jacked up about writing lots and lots and lots of words. Can you tell?

It’s time now to play a game I like to call “Coffee Spit”. It’s where I take a quote in the newspaper from a sports figure, politician, or basically anyone in the news, then tell you who would have spit out their morning coffee in shock after having read it. For example, years ago, I could have used the quote from Bill Clinton when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, at which point Monica Lewinsky would have spit out her coffee. See? It’s a real simple game and loads of fun.

- “A lot of things were drive-killers [in this game],” said Miami Dolphins quarterback Joey Harrington following their loss to the Packers. “We had dropped balls, penalties, a lot of things.”

All of his wide receivers spit out their coffee.

- “Well, it’s like, you know, everybody does it,” said former Cubs manager Dusty Baker when asked his opinion about Kenny Rogers. “So like Tony LaRussa, I wouldn't have done anything either.”

Every GM that had him as a managerial candidate spits out their coffee.

- Citizens of South Korea attended a pro-United States rally on Tuesday, which included the burning of the North Korean flag, as well as pictures of leader Kim Jong Il. “We support the United States,” said South Korean citizen Liu Kim.

All radical Muslims spit out their coffee.

- “It’s one thing to cheat and get away with it,” said former Major League pitcher Tommy John. “But it’s another thing to be so blatant about it like Kenny was.”

Barry Bonds spits out his steroids.

There are few things as humbling as throwing up at work. Today I'm pretty humble.

I'd been nursing a pretty nasty chest cold for the last week, so I went to the doctor yesterday. She gave me a 5-day antibiotic, so it's pretty strong. It said to take it with a meal, so I took it at lunch. I got two sandwiches from Wendy's to be sure it would have lots of food to digest with. That turned out to be an unwise decision. About an hour later, I was worshipping at the porcelain altar.

By the way, I want to take this time to send out special thanks to my friend and co-worker Doug, who could have kept the fact that he heard the sounds of yacking thru the bathroom door to himself, but instead thought it better to wait for me to come out so he could announce to the world that Greg just got done chucking. Gracias, Doug.

Ironically enough, the antibiotic seems to be working and I'm feeling a lot better today. However, I just took another one with a Sausage McMuffin so I'll let you know if I take a turn for the worse in about an hour. Or Doug will.

- I really can’t blame Kenny Rogers for making up that nonsense about not knowing what was on his hand last night. If I pooped on my hand, I wouldn’t tell people about it either.

- I can’t wait for the Redskins to give Lance Briggs a max deal this off-season, even though he is currently playing in a system that makes it nearly impossible for an outside linebacker to not have inflated tackling stats.

- Then again, this may be my way as a Bears fan to downplay the fact that the Bears will be without one of their Pro Bowlers on defense next year.

- I saw "Jarhead" on HBO over the weekend. An entertaining movie, but I can’t recommend it because there was no warning beforehand of the over-the-top use of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man-butt.

- Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with Jake’s man-butt. But at least give me a warning beforehand so I can prepare for it.

- I’m willing to jump on board that rhythm is a dancer, but you will never convince me that it’s also my soul’s companion. I mean c’mon.

- I love it when a media guy says that a certain athlete "needs to shut up and play". Isn’t the athlete just answering a question from a different media guy?

- Yes, that was me two random’s ago referencing an awful early-90’s dance song. That was also me using the word "random" as a noun. Or was that a pronoun?

- I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel with a guy named "Obama" as President. It’s just too close. Couldn’t he change his last name to "Miller" or something?

-Whenever a ghost in a movie tries to grab an object, their hand always waves right through it. So why don’t they ever fall through the floor? You’d think movie ghosts would have to hang out in basements (courtesy of Jill).

-I don’t know how to pronounce the rapper Fabolous’s name. Do I pronounce it just like it’s written, or is it just a clever spelling? I’m also not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-I want to hire a driver for my car and ask them to drive really slowly, then I’ll sit in the back seat and wave out the window like I’m in a parade. But I want to do this all the time.

-Weird Al is about to release a new album, 25 years after his debut. I can still recite most of the lyrics to “Eat It”. I’m not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-Every week, the Monday Night Football crew goes to all that trouble of putting a microphone on a key player, but all we ever hear is "Wooo, I'm coming all day Baby, I'm coming all day" or "This is our house Baby, this is our house!" or the immortal "WOO! YEAH! WOO! WOO! YEAH!". So why do the Producers even bother anymore?

-My least favorite part about returning home from a long vacation is that very first time a hundred dollar bill seems like a lot of money again. It usually takes a couple days and it most likely happens at the grocery store.

Everyone has their panties in a twist over Kim Jong Il and North Korea with nukes. To quote the patron saint of 1 Happy St, Vincent Antonelli, "where you see a problem, I see potential."

North Korea has the bomb. Now Japan will want the bomb because N.K. only has the rocket power to make it that far. N.K. will bomb Japan. Japan will bomb China. China will bomb South Korea. An American wins the National Spelling Bee.

Lou Piniella, after a brief 1-year hiatus as baseball manager, was given a 3 year, $10 million contract to manage the Chicago Cubs. “I’d love to give you the traditional spiel that we’re gonna turn this thing around and finally give Cubs fans something to cheer about,” said Piniella in his introductory press conference. “But let’s be honest. That ain’t gonna happen. This team sucks. They’ll always suck. And that’ll never change. But hey, I’m not turning down 10 million dollars.”

Upon hearing the news that Steve McNair would be available to play in their next game, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick said, “Damnit! Why doesn’t this guy just die already?”

Recently hired Cubs manager Lou Piniella was asked his feelings about his former colleague Steve Lyons being fired from Fox for making fun of Piniella’s Hispanic heritage. “I’m not offended at all,” said Piniella. “He was just kidding........Wait, I’m Hispanic? I always thought I was Italian. Interesting. Yeah, that is offensive.”

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez was asked if he would veto a trade to the Cubs, where he would join his old Mariners coach Lou Piniella. “No I wouldn’t,” said Rodriguez. “But I would veto a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie scares me and I’m a big p____.”

Matt Leinart finished with a decent performance in his Monday night debut for the Cardinals, but was in no mood to critique himself afterwards. “Go talk to our kicker if you want a good quote about performance,” said Leinart. “Then go ask Coach why he called all those pass plays in the 4th quarter. Then ask Edge why he couldn’t hold onto the ball when a running play was finally called. Then find our kicker again and ask him to go kill himself. Then go ask Pete Carroll if I have any eligibility left. Then ask Nick Lachey to have those women ready in my room when I get there.”

I'd been reserving judgement on the new NBC drama/comedy, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I figured I'd give it a couple weeks to settle in and let the series get some of the kinks out. After it's fifth episode last night, I figured I could review it fairly.

The new series on NBC (Mondays at 10/9 central) follows the writers and cast of a SNL-type late night show also called "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip". Five episodes in, writer and producer Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing) has made the relationship of Matthew Perry's character and his star Harriet Hayes (Sarah Paulson) the main plot line. Perry's character, Matt Albie, has been clearly established as the venomous left-wing writer and producer of Studio 60, while Paulson's is his talented Evangelical comedienne ex-girlfriend. Watching the two characters duke it out for 5 weeks about her faith and his lack of respect for it, one wonders how they ever talked about anything else when they were dating. Nonetheless, Sorkin expects us to suspend disbelief and accept that these two were once an item. She was apparently so attracted to Albie's writing talent that she never noticed that half of his jokes were at her expense.

But these are the things you put up with when watching a Sorkin vehicle. He is quite talented at writing snappy dialogue and makes his characters seem smart and witty, but he has failed repeatedly at writing a believable romantic storyline. Sorkin first tried writing a love story in SportsNight, his first network series revolving around the production of an ESPNesque sports news program. Frankly, I don't think I'd find any romance involving Felicity Huffman very believable. He also tried several times to spark non-platonic relationships on his second series, The West Wing, but none of them ever worked. Sorkin is at his best when he simply lets his characters do their jobs. He should leave the contrived love stories to the folks at All My Children.

All this being said, I'm still hanging with the show for the time being. It has its ups and downs. The behind-the-scenes look at late night variety television has been intriguing. Surprisingly, some of the sketches portrayed on the show appear funnier than anything we've seen on SNL in some time (but I suppose that's not really saying much). Some of the supporting cast (DL Hughley, Timothy Busfield and Amanda Peet) has been fun to watch. However, Steven Weber (who, even if he was to discover the cure for cancer, will always just be "the guy from Wings") overacts in each of his scenes like a hyper-active 5 year old at the Christmas pageant. On the flip side is Bradley Whitford, as the most boring cocaine addict you'll ever meet. In fairness, Sorkin hasn't really given him a storyline yet. I suppose it's only a matter of time before Whitford's character begins pining for the chubby PA.

The series still seems to be a little too much in awe of itself that there's a Christian character. I suppose that once Sorkin gets his typical Christian-bashing out of his system and just lets the show be about the show, it could be a pretty decent program. But after last night's episode, we may be waiting a while.

After watching last night's Bears game, I will admit I kind of felt sick to my stomach. I wasn't sharing the same joy that most of Chicago was probably feeling after witnessing whatever that was that we had just witnessed. The reason was because I knew I was going to have to wake up to all the Chicago sports columnists (Jay Mariotti) that were sure to focus on what the Bears didn't do rather than what they did do [quick note: Jay Mariotti did not disappoint]. But is that really fair? Is it so wrong to enjoy a 6-0 football team, regardless of how they came to be 6-0?

Consider this: If the Bears make it to the Super Bowl and play like they played last night, but still win the game, would I really care that they played like crap, or would I just be happy that they won the Super Bowl?

Consider this too: they won on Monday night for the first time since 1997, it was on the road against a decent team, they're still undefeated, and they did all this while Rex Grossman played with a load in his pants. I would imagine it's quite difficult to play football with a load in your pants, particularly when you're the quarterback. So maybe we should be giving credit where credit is due.

I like the word 'trousers'.

That is all.

This last week has given us a handful of potential fantasy team names for the 2007 baseball season. With help from Donald, here are some of my front-running favorites:

- Cory Lidle’s plane

- Sutcliffe’s African Clooney

- Juan Uribe’s Jeep

- Playoff A-Rod

- Magglio’s Barber

- Lou Piniella’s hat

- Steve Lyons’ wallet

Let’s hope this upcoming week is as giving as the last week has been.

In: Football season
Out: Baseball playoffs

In: Sony Walkman
Out: Apple iPod

In: Fitting all your MySpace friends on one page
Out: Accepting friend requests from total strangers to inflate your numbers

Out: Chiropractors
In: Vicodin

Out: Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL)
In: A gay Congressional page

In: Dwight & Angela
Out: Jim & Pam

In: The unpredictable weather of Fall in the midwest
Out: Going to Hawaii for a week and a half

In: Lloyd Carr
Out: Guys who wear sweater vests

In: Binge drinking
Out: Remembering where you left your pants

Out: $5 prostitutes
In: Penicillin

*NSync
Outkast

In: Poppy Montgomery
Out: Evangeline Lilly

Out: Cowboy hat
In: Urban Sombrero

Out: Trying to concentrate on a Friday afternoon
In: Writing a silly blog instead

In: Sterility
Out: Surprises

In: Vertical stripes
Out: Plaid

Out: Whistling
In: Humming

Out: The Robot
In: The Cabbage Patch

Out: Hi-C Juice Box
In: Capri-Sun

Out: Hakuna Matata
In: Dinkin Flicka

-Are you officially a team distraction when you have to call a press conference to deny that you tried to commit suicide?

-The Las Vegas Review Journal spotted Eva Longoria of "Desperate Housewives" riding her beau, San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker, through the MGM Grand casino at 4 a.m. Monday, after leaping onto him from the front with her legs wrapped around his waist. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Actually, I’ve only said this once. But sometimes it's good to be a French millionaire basketball star with a hot girlfriend who likes to have sex and party in Vegas.

-Every year in MLB, a team with a large division lead will slump at the end of the year and be on the verge of losing their lead, and someone in the media will write a story saying "this is on par with the 1964 Phillies", a team that had a big lead but lost it in the end. This years version is the St. Louis Cardinals. But what about those 1964 Phillies? Not only did they have to live through that 42 years ago, but every year, they have to be reminded about it as soon as a team from the current year starts to slump. Doesn’t seem fair to me.

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself. I'm taking it pretty hard. Why, T.O., WHY!?
Why, when you have so much left to live for?
Why, when you have so many fans who love you?
Why, when you have yet to win that illusive Super Bowl ring?
Why, when the Dallas Cowboy fans have yet to see what you're truely capable of?

But most importantly....
WHY, T.O.... when I picked you in the first round in my fantasy league and had you starting this week against a tough opponent and you owed me a productive week following 3 weeks of JACK SQUAT!!

• Complete crossword on old Pop Tart box and recycle box

• Consider switch from Colgate to Crest (possibly Aquafresh?)

• Buy box of Alpha-bits and remove all the O's and mix them in with Cheerio's; wait to see if anyone notices

• Save someone from burning vehicle/building so I can be on local news; mention this website during interview to increase hit count

• Buy more Pop Tarts

• Build ceiling for my cubicle

• Remove gasoline containers from my trunk to avoid arousing suspicion vis-a-vis the above rescue

• Find out what the little squiggle thing (~) on my keyboard is called and what it's for

• Research origin of universe

• Write Best Man speech for Brian's wedding

• Find out when Brian's wedding is

• Get oil changed (don't let neighbor do it again)

• Write "to do list" **IN PROGRESS**

• Ask HR if "overworked" is a good excuse for absence

• Research what was great before sliced bread

• Learn to swim

• Buy raincoat (or umbrella)

• Practice penmanship

• Learn all the words to "Unbreak My Heart"

• Bring digital camera to wedding (remember to remove incriminating photos)

• Buy candy corn

• Finish watching "The Benchwarmers" on DVD

• Join a club

• Contact patent office about my idea for a device that plays music that fits in pocket

• Have that rash looked at

• Buy Calamine

• Start exercising

• Contact Enzyte about possible refund

• So a bunch of guys do illegal steroids, then the guys who rat them out go to jail? What kind of screwed up system is that?

• I want to go to Olive Garden sometime and order the "piskety".

• As stressed out as I was last October, I'm almost glad that the Sox decided to suck their way out of contention this year. Candy corn anyone?

• Did you see the season premier of The Office last night? An instant classic. The scene with the Jello mold was by far the funniest moment in the show ever. Can that really be done? My cubicle neighbor has a bunch of stuff that needs to be Jellofied.

• Is it okay to find Jamie Pressley kind of attractive? That doesn't make me white trash by association does it?

• What's the statute of limitations on how long I have to keep a greeting card? Is 10 seconds long enough?

• Did anyone watch Survivor last night? I missed it. In case you hadn't heard, they've separated the teams by race this year. I'm not sure if their intention is to show that stereotypes are incorrect or that they are correct but just off the top of my head, here's a quick list of events the producers probably don't want to have happen this season:
  
• An asian team member wins the car and subsequently drives it into the ocean.
• The chubby white girl gets romantic with one of the black guys. (Ok so there isn't a chubby white girl this season, and I think we know why)
  
• Someone on the white team says the words, "you people".
  
• The hispanic team escapes the island and swims to Miami.
  

This may have been my favorite Joe Morgan chat of all time. These things are supposed to be an hour long; this one lasted 9 minutes, and he barely answered any of the questions.

Jones (long Beach, Calif.): Hi Joe, back in your day, did players care about winning awards? I know you won two, but you were about winning. My dad says that no one today plays with the same intensity and fire Joe Morgan used to play with.

Joe Morgan: I don't think you can paint everybody with that same brush. If you just look in general, players are more conscious of their statistics today than before. But I don't blame them, because the money is so enormous and they get paid on statistic, whereas before you got paid on contributions to the teams.

I included this one simply because the words “fire Joe Morgan” were part of the question by Jones from Long Beach. I’ve been directed to go to firejoemorgan.blogspot.com. That site has good writing, and is a fun read.

Brandon, Eden Prairie, MN: Joe, after his 5-5 proformance last night in a east coast game, did Morneau boost his MVP chances? Seems like all he needs is a little more exposure and he would be the hands down winner.

Joe Morgan: I don't think he would be a hands down winner, but more exposure would help him. No one gets as much exposure as anyone that plays for the Yankees and the White Sox also get a lot now. I don't even know if I would vote for him because I haven't seen him enough.

YES! He doesn’t know if he would vote for him because he hasn’t seen him enough. Isn’t that the best? Does anybody know if Joe actually gets to vote for this thing? If he does, that comment alone should be enough to strip him of the privilege. I couldn’t believe he actually typed that.

Justin FJM (Denville, NJ): hi Joe - I've read Dusty Baker quoted a couple times about how it's not real helpful to get on base if you're just going to "clog up the bases" -- what do you think he means by this? I would think being on base would always be good.

Joe answered with his standard nonsense, but I wanted to point out a possible mole. Notice the person’s name who asked the question (Justin FJM). Could the “FJM” stand for Fire Joe Morgan perhaps? If Justin is from the “firejoemorgan” website, I think I want to meet those guys.

Sean, Ontario: Hi Joe, DO you think the Indians should move Martinez to 1b?

Joe Morgan: I don't see him enough. I know that they're not always happy with his catching ability. I don't see him enough to decide whether they should move him or whether he needs to work harder on his defense.

No, of course not. Obviously, a guy can’t provide commentary on a team he doesn’t watch. Which begs the question, WHY THE EF DOES JOE PROVIDE COMMENTARY?!?!?!?!

Bears rookie cornerback Danieal Manning had another good game on Sunday, this after getting an interception in Week 1 against Green Bay. Asked how he’s been able to make the transition to the NFL such a smooth one so far, Manning said, “I hate my first name; it gives me motivation.”

Maurice Clarett’s agent is undecided about the former Ohio State running back’s future in the NFL after he agreed to a 3.5 year prison term. “I do know that he’s not retired,” said the agent. “He’ll be in prison for 3 years, which means he can’t kill any real citizens. So that’s good news.”

The Denver Post reports that the Portland Trailblazers might have interest in a potential sign-and-trade for free-agent DerMarr Johnson. Said the Blazers GM, “We don't have enough mediocre, overpaid also-rans that nobody has ever heard of, and DerMarr fits that bill perfectly.”

According to the Denver Post, the Nuggets are making a strong push to fill their shooting guard position with Bonzi Wells. Said the Nuggets GM, “We don't have enough mediocre and overpaid guys on our team that everyone thinks is good even though they aren’t and their teams never win, and we feel that Bonzi fits that bill perfectly.”

Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli was asked what his team can do against Green Bay this Sunday to avoid starting the season 0-3. “Don’t talk to me about that right now,” he said. “I have more important things to worry about, like my teeth. I mean honestly, have you seen these things? They’re hideous.”

American tennis player Andy Roddick has consulted with former great Pete Sampras for advice on how to win the Davis Cup in Moscow. Asked to comment, Sampras said “yeah, he approached me for advice, but I turned him away. He sucks and I don’t want his busted ass ruining my legacy.”

The White Sox appear on the brink of elimination from the playoffs, one year after winning the World Series, and as a lot of expert’s preseason favorites to repeat. Asked if they could be considered underachievers, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said, “F_ck you. You can go f_ck yourself for all I care. People say we win da World Series last year but we sh_t now, well that’s fine. I will take da blame. I no blame my players. They no underachieve; I underachieve. My coaches underachieve. Sh_t. All year I hear the same sh_t. Well f_ck you.”

Some things never change.

-My favorite part of Friday jean day at work is when somebody shows up looking like they scraped the bottom of their dresser for the gayest jeans they could find. It’s like they’ve never worn jeans before. The bonus is when there is a sighting of acid-washed jeans or even white socks with black shoes. Classic.

-Speaking of acid-washed jeans, isn’t it weird to think that all of those mullet-clad teenagers from the 80’s are approaching their 40’s now? The best is when they have a young kid who is now sporting the mullet. Kind of like a passing of the torch. I don’t know what my point is.

-I just read a story about a Middle-Eastern religious group that is mad about something. I’d link you to it, but you probably read a similar story yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And so on. And so on.

-Sometimes I’ll be flipping through the movie channels and I’ll notice a movie that I’ve never heard of, but it has a cast of like 3 or 4 Hollywood A-Listers in it and I’ll think to myself “why have I never heard of this?” Then after like 5 or 10 minutes of watching it, the reason becomes quite clear.

-I have nothing to do this weekend. Seriously. It’s the first time since March where I have no weekend plans on a Friday afternoon. So I’ll leave you with my weekend football picks: Lions +8.5, Ravens -11.5, Colts -13.5, Browns +10.5, Dolphins -6.5, Vikings +2, Eagles -3, Buccaneers +6, Saints +2, Rams -3, Seahawks -7, Jets +6, Chargers -11.5, Chiefs +10.5, Redskins +6, and Steelers -1.5

NOTE: Last week, I was 9-7