1 Happy St

- What’s the difference between a box of Somoas and a box of Caramel deLites?

- I like how the White Sox beat reporters don’t even fix Ozzie Guillen’s Spanglish anymore when they quote him in the newspaper, they just print it word for word. They no go to [expletive] trouble of translating.

- Everyone I know who has a Sprint cell phone complains about their coverage and service. So why do people continue to use them?

- I think it was a good idea for Shell to install those TV monitors at their pumps. There’s nothing more boring than waiting for your gas tank to fill. But would it kill them to show something interesting besides busted Tonight Show bits?

- Every time I hang up the phone after ordering out for Chinese, I always think to myself that there’s no way that lady understood me. But then when my food arrives, it’s always exactly what I ordered. Kinda funny.

- I saw "Premonition" starring Sandra Bullock on Sunday night. It’s pretty good, if you’re that type of person who likes movies that really suck.

- There’s always one small spot in my backyard that will take 2 or 3 days longer than every other spot in the neighborhood for the snow to melt. I wonder what that’s about.

- I wasn’t being fair to "Premonition" earlier. It didn’t really suck.

- Oh wait, yes it did. That movie really really sucked. Do yourself a favor and see it so you can find out for yourself how badly it sucks.

- Did you happen to catch the E! True Hollywood Story of "Mean Girls" yet? Those Tina Fey junket interviews from when the movie was released where she praises Lindsay Lohan’s talent and professionalism seem really dated now. It reminded me of the SNL opening monologue from MC Hammer in the early 90’s where he said everything was going great for him and he couldn’t believe how well his albums were selling. Poor Hammer.

- A phobia is a fear of something. So by definition, shouldn’t being homophobic mean you have a fear of gay people and not a hatred for them?

- This season’s cast of "The Real World" has to get crackin’ on the drama. Don’t they realize they’re supposed to hate each other? Hopefully the whiny girl gets something going next Wednesday.

- Have you ever seen a truck weigh station that was open? (courtesy of B.C.)

- Being a newlywed guy means that you’ll have to get used to watching crap on TV that is geared towards high school girls. Case in point: Grey’s Anatomy, E! News Daily, Real World, pretty much any drama on MTV. If I start reading Seventeen magazine, I give you all permission to start the intervention.

- Quick gift idea though. If your wife/girlfriend does not already have a subscription to People Magazine, get it for her. They may not admit it, but trust me, they all want it.

- Can you put a price on the moment when you’re using a snowblower and the wind blows it right back in your face? That always feels good.

- I’ve mentioned this before, but I love Friday jean day at work. I saw a guy this morning wearing jeans that would be too tight on Mick Jagger. They weren’t acid-washed, but you can't always get whatcha want.

- I work with another guy that didn’t get the memo that "Cosby-sweater" Friday hasn’t been invented yet. Perhaps he’s just preparing himself for when it finally happens.

- Any time Global Warming wants to start doing its job is okay by me.
- First we were told of things that had jumped the shark. Then we were told that jump the shark had jumped the shark. I keep waiting for the moment when jump the shark has jumped the shark jumps the shark. Stay tuned.

- I don’t know anything about country music. But if What’s-her-name’s reaction at the CMA’s starts a feud between a couple of hot blondes, I’m all for it.

- You know you’re married when one of you utters the words "can you set the alarm for tomorrow, I want to get a jump start on raking those leaves."

- Another sign that you’re married: you find yourself walking the halls of Home Depot, but it’s 9am on a Sunday.

- Why do the folks that make cheese-in-a-can advertise that their product is "made with real cheese"? What else could it be made with? You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know.

- Now that Reese kicked Ryan to the curb, and Britney gave Fed-Ex his walking papers, I think the next celebrity breakup will be Patrick Dempsey and his wife. Nobody goes from Ronald Miller to Dr. McDreamy without a considerable upgrade in the spouse category. If Mrs. Dempsey were smart, she’d maintain permanent residence at his trailer.

- I can't wait for the Bears to lose next weekend so that they can be overrated again.

- I’ve been harsh on the E! Channel for its awful programming, but I finally stumbled onto something that they got right. Putting the Carter’s on television may be the best idea since HBO canceled Arliss. I don’t care that most of it looks staged. That family is still nuts.

- Does anyone know what extra virgin olive oil does? Every recipe calls for it, but would I be asking for trouble if I just used regular virgin olive oil?

- All of the other reindeer used to laugh at poor Rudolph and never let him play any of their games. All it took was Santa asking Rudolph to guide his sleigh, then all of the other reindeer quickly changed their minds and started to love him. Sounds kinda shady to me. If I was Rudolph, I would have told all the other reindeer to go piss off.

- Anyone who names their son "Damien" or their dog "Cujo" is just asking for trouble.

- I saw "Borat" on Friday night. If you’re looking to laugh hysterically for 90 minutes, you’re a guy, and nothing offends you, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. If you’re not looking to laugh hysterically, you’re a woman, or are offended easily, avoid this movie at all costs. Oh, and if you’re a drunken frat boy in an RV and you pick up a foreign hitchhiker, do yourself a favor and don’t speak.

- Sometimes I get House Speaker Dennis Hastert and actor Dennis Haysbert confused. To make things worse, Dennis Hastert kind of looks like former Illinois Secretary of State George Ryan, which causes me to get current Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White and actor Dennis Haysbert confused in a roundabout way. If Jesse White ever says “it is very bad to drink Jobu’s rum” or “that’s Allstate’s stand” during a speech, my head may explode.

- Okay, I’ll say it. That Michael J. Fox commercial freaks me out.

- I just read that the chances of winning the grand prize in the McDonald’s monopoly game are 1 in 4.5 trillion. Which means I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in my winning lotto ticket.

- Speaking of odds, what were the chances that NBC would have two pilots in the same season that revolved around the inner-workings of a sketch comedy show, and is it possible to be a fan of one or the other without being confused about which one you’re watching? A special thanks to NBC for making the titles similar.

- Okay, I’ll say it Part II. Joel Zumaya scares me. Not quite as much as Ray Lewis, but it’s getting close. The next prison movie that comes out should have Zumaya playing the Mexican group leader.

- Since the E! Channel cut down on the number of SNL reruns it airs at night, I can now come up with exactly zero reasons why that channel still exists.

- I looked up my own name on Wikipedia and it brings me to a guy from California who is younger than me who develops video game software. If this info was put there by anybody other than him, I may have to kill myself.

- I think I can go turn on the television right now, flip through every channel I have, and there’s a better than 90% possibility that I’d be able to find some version of Law and Order on. And yet I don’t know a single person that watches any of them.

- I think I may have accidentally discovered that my right foot is bigger than my left. About a year ago, I bought a pair of dress shoes with no laces and I noticed that the left shoe was loose on my foot while the right shoe fit snuggly. So I simply chalked it up to a defective shoe. But last week, I bought a new pair of the exact same style and am now having the same problem. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?

-When did VH1 turn into the E! channel?

-“Entourage” is one of my favorite shows, yet it still manages to disappoint me every week. I am thankful that they didn’t go too far with the “Dom” character though.

-I wonder if Mark Buehrle wishes that Ozzie Guillen would have selected Liriano for the All-Star team instead of him. Now he gets two whole days of reporters dissecting his 9-5 record and mediocre ERA.

-Speaking of baseball, do you think the Mariners signed Carl Everett because there are some White Sox minor leaguers that they’re interested in, but they didn’t know how else to get them?
-The button on the cuff of my favorite shirt fell off. I’m not the type that can roll my sleeves Miami Vice-style, so I guess I’ll have to throw it away. Otherwise a perfectly good shirt, it’s strange that something so small could ruin it.

-Do you think Tommy John is upset that his legacy in baseball is for radical arm surgery? The man won 288 friggin games! And yes, I had to look that up. But wow! 288 games! To put that in perspective, coming into this season, Pedro had won 197.

-Was that whole “shirt button” thing covered in a Seinfeld episode once? It sounds familiar. Can something be plagiarism if you didn’t know you copied the idea?

-As a White Sox fan, I couldn’t be happier that there isn’t a White Sox version of “Fever Pitch”. Watching Drew Barrymore run circles around Aaron Rowand to avoid US Cellular Field security in centerfield during a playoff game would have been enough for me to kill myself.

-To be fair, I actually liked most of that movie. But how could the producers think the last 20 minutes were a good idea?

-For my health's sake, I'm lucky that I only recently discovered Dairy Queen's Heath Bar blizzard.

-I just went pee for the first time in like a full day. I was expecting full flowage for a good couple minutes. But it turned out to be just normal.

-What does the inside of a water tower look like? Is it filled with water like a tall pool? Am I a moron for not knowing this?