Monday, January 30, 2006

Adventures in Customer Service - Vol. 1

I went to Toys R Us over the weekend to take back a board game. After walking around for a couple minutes looking for something for Andy's birthday (didn't find anything) I just picked up a Diet Pepsi. At the checkout, the guy rang up the pop and then he asked me, "Do you need batteries or a gift receipt with that?" For my pop? "No I'm good!" And you, sir, will be working in retail for a long, long time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Save Tinkerbell!

I'll admit it. I'm not a tree hugger. I really don't even like nature. Nature and I have more of a S&M kind of relationship. Once I urinated on a bush. The bush seemed humiliated but accepting of its role in the relationship. We both quickly realized that I wasn't invested in the relationship and we eventually grew apart. That is about as intimate as I get with nature. Even animals. Couldn't really care less. While I don't have season tickets to the local cock-fighting contests, I do really enjoy eating chicken. If God didn't intend for me to eat meat, he wouldn't have made cows so tasty. Plus, I don't find Birkenstocks to be all that comfortable. The lifestyle just isn't for me.

And then there is a story like this one to make me feel even more confident that I'm on the right side of the issue. Apparently, some Scottish villlagers have their kilts in a bunch over some development project because they're afraid that it will displace the ... wait for it... FAIRIES! Yes, fairies.

"Marcus Salter, head of Genesis Properties, estimates that the small colony of fairies believed to live beneath a rock in St Fillans, Perthshire, has cost him 15,000. His first notice of the residential sensibilities of the netherworld came as his diggers moved on to a site on the outskirts of the village, which crowns the easterly shore of Loch Earn.

He said: A neighbour came over shouting, Dont move that rock. Youll kill the fairies. The rock protruded from the centre of a gently shelving field, edged by the steep slopes of Dundurn mountain, where in the sixth century the Celtic missionary St Fillan set up camp and attempted to convert the Picts from the pagan darkness of superstition."

Personally I wouldn't want the blood of mystical creatures on my hands either, but there has to be a compromise here somewhere. Perhaps as a gesture of good faith, Mr. Salter should present a plan to build a series of low-income bridges for vagrant trolls? Or maybe even a shelter for stray dragons?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Choosey moms choose Jif

Today, dozens of rallys have been taking place all across the country to mark the 33rd aniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision. If you've been under a rock, that's the supreme court decision in which a woman (Roe) wanted to terminate her pregnancy. Her unborn baby (Wade) disagreed with that course of action but was ultimately overruled by the high court. And so with that decision, the 'right to choose' was finally a reality.

Unless you are a state. In which case, you no longer had the right to choose. The federal government will be doing all the choosing from now on.

And unless you are the father of the unborn baby. In which case, your choice was already used up when you decided to go with the condoms with the plain black and white wrapper because the other ones were too expensive.

And unless you are the unborn baby. In which case, you don't get to choose because mommy knows what's best for you. I mean she's already proven that she can make good decisions which is how she ended up in the back seat of that Prius anyway. It's not every day you have the opportunity to get nailed by someone who loves the movie Mona Lisa Smile as much as you do!

Friday, January 20, 2006

28 days...

... until the four most beautiful words in the english language. Pitchers and catchers report! Is football season over yet? Who won? I had all my money on the Packers. I should check with my bookie and see how much he owes me.

I'm actually not as excited about this coming baseball season as I should be. As you may know, I'm a White Sox fan and since we've already won the World Series, I really have nothing left to live for. What else is there? When my sons were born, I thought, "Man, I hope the Sox never win the Series so these will be the best moments of my life!" Sorry, boys.

What else is there to accomplish? Maybe this year we could win it all without losing a game in the playoffs. They lost one last year. Pathetic. It reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld when George is giving Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams hitting tips and they say, "we won the World Series!" "Yeah..." George says. "In 6 games!" We won ours in 4. Sigh. It's no fun being so much better. The commissioner's office should look into ways to make it more competitive. Level the playing field a bit by making all the White Sox' wives play instead.

Which begs the question... Let's say that the entire roster were shrunken down to the size of Eddie Gaedel. Who would win in a game between the Yankees and the team of mini-Sox. If Ozzie Guillen were shrunken too, you might have yourself a contest, but a regular-sized Ozzie could win with a team of mini-Sox any day.

The World Wrestling Federation predicts the end of the world!

So lets go over what we know...

* Iran's new president says he would like to see Israel "wiped off the map."
* Iran is trying to build a nuclear weapon.
* Some European countries (including France) have attempted to bring UN sanctions against Iran if they continue to attempt to do so.
* Russia has opposed any sanctions against Iran.

Hmmm... Iran and Russia working together? Where have we seen that before?

To learn more about what Iran and Russia have up their sleeves, you might want to click here.

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Someone give Gloria Steinem a Tylenol

It's recently been reported that something like 10 million female babies have been aborted in India in the last 20 years (and can you blame them? Have you ever seen Indira Ghandi? She made Golda Meir look like Margaret Thatcher! Which reminds me.... Maggie, thanks for adding me to your MySpace friends! Your new pic is HOT!). But I wonder why we haven't heard any feminists complaining about this? One would think that organizations like the National Organization of Women would have something to say about the extermination of so many potential future female activists.

This makes me think of the confusion if someone were to open a clinic to perform animal abortions. I think we might see some heads explode trying to figure out where they stood on that dilemma. But our neighbor's cat Fluffy has a right to choose too! You think she wants to give up her career of sitting on the top of the couch and watching me shovel the driveway to raise a bunch mini-Fluffys? I say we give her a place where she can terminate that litter of unwanted kitten fetuses. And judging by the sounds coming from our bushes last night, someone better open that clinic soon.

But maybe we've all been pre-programmed to go along with this from the beginning? What are a family of kittens called? A litter. Where do cat's poop? In the litter box! Don't you see? Cats have been trying to tell us all along what they think of their offspring. They are POOP! And if you have a problem with kitten abortions then you are pro-poop!

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Everyone likes me because I'm so humble

I still haven't decided what kind of blog I want this to be. I could just come in here and tell you what I'm all about... but that wouldn't be as fun as just letting you guess.

I could talk about my political thoughts and opinions, but then someone would come in here and say "oh this guy doesn't like ethenol subsidies so I don't like him". But that would be unfair because my problem with ethanol subsidies doesn't define who I am, only how I feel about those free-loading lazy farmers. So you can see why I'm hesitant to open up.

For example, I could come in here and tell you that Canadians can't be trusted because they're planning an invasion of the United States and they've begun by amassing a secret army along the US-Canada border and by undermining our economy by circulating worthless Canadian currency into our vending machines and toll booths. But then the next thing you know, I have thousands of blood-thirsty, Molson-drinking, moose-hugging Celine Dion and Eugene Levy look-alikes beating down my door with hockey sticks. See my point?

So I think I'll just keep you guessing.

One thing I will tell you is that I'm someone who is always asking questions. The world is a confusing place. Anyone who tells you they have it all figured out is lying to you and, most likely, a Commie pinko just looking for someone to stand in line with them for bread. So from time to time, I'll just throw a topic or two out there for you to discuss amongst yourselves.... or with the class. Don't be shy. If you've got something to share, by all means.. Let us know what you're thinking.

Today's topic for discussion is 'illegal aliens'. I think the best way to stop them from coming into the US would be to build a wall out of baby seal carcasses. This seems like the kind of idea the whole country could get behind. Discuss.