Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Rod Blagojevich: mad genius

My governor is a piece of work. I just can't get over how oblivious he is that he thought assigning a senator on Tuesday was the right play. He's going about his business like nothing ever happened. Worst of all, he appointed an old black guy, so he made it tough to even get mad at him.

Hmm, it was a complete jackass move. But he appointed a black dude. If I say that's ridiculous, does that make me racist?

Yes. Yes it does.

If the 2008 election taught us anything as a nation, it's that voting for a white guy under any circumstances is racist. So by appointing a black guy, Rod Blagojevich has made it difficult to speak out about it. He even has some people praising the move.

Fuckin' diabolical.

I'm moving to Michigan.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cleaning out my locker with some NFL thoughts

The Lions finished 0-16. They're the first NFL team in history to lose 16 games in a season. Awesome. I'm not sure how you feel about that; I'm pretty indifferent. My hatred for the Vikings and Packers overshadows my feelings towards the Lions. I guess if the Bears don't win the NFC North, I'd wish for Detroit to win it. I like those guys up there.

There is one thing for Lions fans to get excited about. Quotes from their former #1 WR Roy Williams:

[Roy] Williams caught only 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown over 10 games after being acquired from Detroit for three draft picks, including Dallas' first-rounder (20th overall). He and [Tony] Romo never got in sync, including an interception on a ball thrown his way Sunday.

"I would love to take the blame for that one, but I can't," Williams said. "Once we get a training camp under our system, we'll be good."

I'm not sure what part of that quote I love the most. Oh wait yes I do. The part where he says he'd love to take the blame for an interception, but he can't. That's too great. Stay positive Lions fans. Hopefully your team doesn't waste their two 1st round picks on skill positions. Look on the bright side; your team finished 0-16, but all they really did was miss the playoffs, which is the same thing my team did. Of course that thought is lost on Bears CB Charles Tillman:

"Yeah, I think we're a playoff team," cornerback Charles Tillman said [after his team lost], still giving off smoke from the torching Houston's Andre Johnson gave him. "We made it this far, and we're this close. Who wouldn't think we were a playoff team? … Aren't we a playoff team?"

Apparently Charles Tillman is unaware of that silly note in the NFL rulebook that states "you can only be considered a playoff team if you actually, you know, make the playoffs. This seems obvious and almost pointless to put in an official rulebook, but hey, you never know."

Oh it's in there. You can check. It comes right after the part about overtime ties. Zing!

The playoffs better get here quick.

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You don't have to worry; this is necessary

We all know that the average prices of homes in the U.S. are dropping. A year ago, single-family homes were selling 18% higher than they are today. This is not news. But it is tough to know what that really means. What is 18% of your home's value from a year ago if you didn't know what your home was worth last December? Also, weren't home prices dropping in 2007 already? When was my house at its peak value? Well, if you're an average American with an average single-family home, your peak value was probably early 2005. The problem with that peak value though was that it was inflated. Actually it was probably just a lie.

Value is real when it's created based on what other people are willing to pay. If you have a house that appraises at $250,000, but people are only willing to pay $200,000, I'm sorry but your house is only worth $200,000. Mortgagers didn't care about this though. They were handing out loans based on the appraisal, and the appraisers were inflating the worth because it was needed for approval. It was a circular process, but everybody was winning. Mortgagers got their money, people got their loans, and everyone increased their "worth". Yay!

Until the purge happened. We're Americans; we can't have a good thing. If something comes along that's good, we exploit it until we kill it. It's like with that show "Who wants to be a millionaire" (the Regis version, not the one with Meredith). Remember when that show came on like 10 years ago? Everybody was watching it. It got record ratings in primetime and it saved ABC. So what did they do with it? They put it on 5 days a week until people got sick of it. They force-fed us with Everything Regis until we wanted to kill him. Then the show started to come back to earth and now it's only on in the morning. It was too much of a good thing.

That was the housing market, and so now the purge is happening. But you know what? Purge is a good thing. It allows for fresh starts. Like the ice age. Can you imagine if a meteor had never hit the earth and dinosaurs were still around? Besides Carl Everett having one less thing to talk crazy about, instead of dogs, we'd have snorkasaurus's and instead of automatic brakes, we'd use our feet. Oh and without the ratings purge, Regis would still be dominating your television from morning to night. Nobody needs that.

So here's to the purge.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A conversation with Jill at the bar...

Jill: "Oh my god you have to turn around and see this creepy guy sitting at the bar."

Brian: "The guy with the ponytail?"

Jill: "No, the guy next to him."

And she was right. The guy next to him was creepier. I think it's safe to say that if you're creepier than a guy with a ponytail, it's time to start rethinking some things.

ED: this isn't the first "creepy guys" tag. I can't wait to publish this to see what it was.

Friday, December 26, 2008

You don't care about this, so skip it

It's impossible to skip something when you're told to skip it. That's why you're gonna continue reading. I'll give you a strong effort, but I can guarantee that you'll regret going any further.

Okay, it's your life.

So I'm listening to the Bulls/Heat game on the radio right now. Dwyane Wade just picked up his 2nd foul midway through the 1st quarter, so he was taken out of the game. I never understood the logic with this kind of thinking. I can understand taking him out if you think he's just not in sync or something, but that's not why his coach did it. Wade was taken out so that he doesn't pick up a 3rd foul. Think about that. He's being taken out of the game in the 1st quarter so that he doesn't [POSSIBLY] foul out in the 4th. Doesn't the 1st quarter count just as much as the 4th? Wouldn't it make more sense to keep your best player in the game as long as possible and gamble that he won't pick up another foul? At least then you're not purposely taking away his minutes.


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Salary cap or suicides? A pledge for the latter

Some time earlier in the week while I was either finishing up my Christmas shopping or shoveling my driveway for the 80th time or watching a rerun episode of Roseanne or throwing rocks at passing cars from an overpass, the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira to play 1st base for the next 8 years. I know what you're thinking: Roseanne? Yeah, about a month ago, MeTV was showing an old Thanksgiving episode. It was one of them with Nanna Mary (or is it Nanna Marie?) and it's a classic and I always enjoyed it, so I set my DVR to tape it. Somehow though I ended up setting my DVR to tape every episode any time it airs on any station ever and I just haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. So any given day, I'll check my DVR for things that have taped and I'll have a backlog of 4 or 5 Roseanne episodes on there. Whatever. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira for 8 years and eleven billionty dollars (or is it billiondy?). He's a good hitter and a good fielder and he makes the Yankees better and this is just another example of the rich getting richer and blah blah blah gayness. I was intrigued by the signing though because it meant that the Yankees had somehow managed to sign 3 of the top free agents so far this winter who are worth a shit when being graded for their overall baseball skilz. Yeah that's how I spell skilz. How do you spell it? With an S? Two L's? Ha! Child's play. So afterwards, I was so intrigued that I took an unscientific poll of non-Yankee fans to get their reactions to the amount of money that was spent. On average, my poll found two different responses.

1. This is insane. MLB needs a salary cap.
2. This is insane. Every member of the Yankees front-office should kill themselves.

Granted, my unscientific poll consisted of me and my brother-in-law. But the results I think would have been the same with a greater number of participants. I don't have a whole lot of knowledge when it comes to basic economic principles, so I can't really address whether or not MLB needs a salary cap. But I think I have enough knowledge when it comes to basic asshole principles to address whether or not the Yankees' entire front-office should kill themselves. If you're an asshole, the whole world would be better off if you killed yourself; that's a given. So the questions become 'what factors make someone an asshole and do these factors apply to the Yankees front-office''? I think being an asshole comes down to 5 things:

Do people hate you?
Do you not care that people hate you?
Do you do things specifically to make people hate you?
Do you live in New York?
Do people call you "asshole"?

If the answer is yes to at least 1 of those questions, then yes, you are an asshole. So how does the front-office of the New York Yankees stand up? They're a whopping 5 for 5.

Hank Steinbrenner, we'll start with you.

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Have the hap-hap-happiest day after Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny bleepin' Kaye

As you head out to the mall or Target or Macy's or any of the other places I wouldn't want to be within 100 yards of today, remember that the person working behind that service desk isn't making shit to be there. It's probably under $10 per hour and they have to be there all day when they could be out spending time with their family (or doing what you're doing). Also, the person that they waited on right before you was some crazy Mom who was yelling at them because their store has a no-return policy on opened video games. It's not their policy. In fact, if it was up to them, they'd be taking back everything. What do they care? But they're just doing their job. And it's a suck job, especially today.

So be nice.

Monday, December 22, 2008

You did all that for a pinky toe? And Merry Holidays

I probably won't be posting much here if at all for the rest of the week. I'm on vacation and won't be near a computer all that much. Plus when I'm not at work, things just don't happen to me that are worth posting. So lack of material will be another reason. One thing did happen to me over the weekend though. I broke my pinky toe. I was running full speed through my house for no good reason whatsoever and slammed my bare foot into a dresser. It was awesome. My pinky toe got the brunt of the impact. Actually it got all of the impact. I went down like a guy who had just stubbed his pinky toe on a dresser. I didn't even catch myself as I went down so I ended up skinning my knee on the carpet. I haven't had a skinned knee since I was 12. Yeah, so Merry Christmas. We're starting this shit off right. I included a picture over there on the right for your enjoyment. Ain't it great? Poor little guy.

Anyway, since I have nothing left to add, my tradition: Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are privided on an "as is" basis, and Brian disclaims any and all warranties, expressed or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Via here:

NEW YORK, New York -- Jeremy Piven is ending his run in Broadway's "Speed-the-Plow," due to a condition caused by a high mercury count, according to Variety.

The "Entourage" star missed a Tuesday evening performance and a Wednesday matinee due to his high mercury count health concerns, but David Mamet, the playwright of "Speed-the-Plow," appears skeptical of the actor's exit.

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mamet told the entertainment trade mag. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

David Mamet gets a gold star.

Tomaron nuestros trabajos

About a week ago I received an unsolicited email thanking me for applying for a Spanish translator job. I rarely if ever get unsolicited email to my work account, but I figured it had to be spam since I had never applied for a Spanish translator job (that I knew of). Also, the extent of my knowledge of Spanish consists of knowing that I’m a gringo and that piso mojado means wet floor. So I deleted the email and thought nothing else of it. Much to my surprise, I got a follow-up.


Thank you for your recent inquiry for our [Spanish translator job] at [Company Name]. We have not heard back from you to schedule an interview, but the position is still available. Please contact me at [phone number] so that we can schedule a time where we can meet.

Thank you,
[Guy’s Name]

Should I respond? Oh, and which one of you jokers sent in my resume' for this?

ED: There is no perfect translation for the word "job" in Spanish, so this blog title is the best I can do.

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What do Lions fans want?

At least 2 of the people who have ever come to this site are from Michigan. So perhaps one of them can answer Joe Posnanski's questions:

Do Detroit Lions fans want their team to go 0-16? I think this is a deep question, one that might take a full blog post or essay or something. But I try to put myself in a Lions fan shoes, and my first reaction is that, yes, absolutely, I would want 0-16. I mean, that’s a bit of history. If the Lions go 1-15, they’re just down there with a handful of nondescript and incredibly bad football teams — there wouldn’t be anything SPECIAL about them. If you are going to be bad, be historically bad, that’s what I always say.

But, then I started to think of my own childhood, when I was a young Cleveland Browns fan, and how every football loss took away a little piece of my soul. Oh man, those weeks at school after Browns losses were TERRIBLE. I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for just about the whole week — you know that feeling, when something bad happened, and you just had that sick feeling. You might not even remember precisely what happened was but you still feel it in your belly. I know there are young Lions fans out there who are like that, and I could not wish 16 losses on any of them.

But then I started to think about how much pain the Lions have put those fans through the last few years — I mean, it has been ptiful. It wasn’t just that the Lions were terrible; no, they have snubbed their nose at the fans by refusing to fire their GM, by continuing to hire goofy head coaches, by doing all sorts of nonsensical things in the draft. And as a fan, maybe you want 0-16 so that ownership will REALLY panic and start doing the George Castanza opposite thing. I mean, sure, 1-15 might lead to a new direction, but 0-16 DEFINITELY leads to a new direction, that’s like a punch in the face and everyone would have to stare in the mirror and say, “Um, OK, we literally could not have been worse. I guess every single thing we have done the last few years has been wrong. So let’s completely change course.” That would be good for the Lions.

But then I started to think about those players, the coaches, all the people who invested their hearts into this team. Do they deserve 0-16? Does anyone? Detroit is going through rough times. Isn’t this too cruel?

So basically, I don't know the answer to the question.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I had no idea I worked with Abbott and Costello

Guy 1: I bet you a dollar that I can make this shot.
Guy 2: I bet you $5 that you miss it.
Guy 1: Wait, so you wanna bet $6 then?
Guy 2: No, just $5.
Guy 1: What about the original dollar?
Guy 2: Okay fine. Your dollar plus my $5.
Guy 1: So $6 then?
Guy 2: No. It’s two separate bets.
Guy 1: But it’s for the same thing.
Guy 2: Whatever, you’re not making it regardless.

At least he didn't say "irregardless"

This is how my day has gone

Oh shit, more snow on my car. Bad day.
Hmm, very little traffic this morning. That’s odd. But good day.
My nose is kind of stuffed up. Bad day.
A full pot of coffee is waiting for me in the break room. Good day.
SL is talking real loudly about her kids again. Bad day.
Management is serving lunch to celebrate Christmas. Good day.
I didn’t know about that beforehand, so I brought a lunch. Bad day.
Hey but now I have a lunch for tomorrow. Good day.
Sam keeps asking me for my opinion in his confidence pool. Bad day.
This Fruit Punch G2 tastes delicious. Good day.
Why does this guy keep emailing me? Bad day.
Hey, did you see that caramello is being sold in the break room? Good day.

I think I may have some food issues.

I'll give you the truth just as soon as I come up with it

Here is a quote from Rod Blagojevich earlier Wednesday morning:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. That's who I'm dying to talk to. There's a time and place for everything. That day will soon be here and you might know more about that today, maybe no later than tomorrow."

There's a lot of non-information in there. Luckily, I'm here to translate:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. It's been over a week since I was arrested and I would have given the people of Illinois my side of the story sooner, but my lawyers hadn't come up with what that side of the story was yet. They're preparing a statement for me though and I think it's just about completed. I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to reading it too. They're some smart people, those lawyers of mine. And the charges against me are pretty straight-forward. I mean I'm on fucking tape trying to sell a Senate job. Believe me, I'm intrigued for my statement just as much as you are."

It's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings

Whenever I watch a MNF game, I always get a kick out of the player introductions in the beginning where each starter tells me their name and the college they went to. You hear things like:

- Assante Samuel, University of Central Florida
- Victor Abiamiri, Notre Dame
- Donovan McNabb, Syracuse University

Someone who went to Ohio State will always call it "THE Ohio State University". I'm not sure what that's all about. Is there two of them? Is he making sure I know which one he went to? Yeah I don't get it, but whatever. But just once, I'd like for a player to have a little fun with it. Maybe they can make up a school. "Assante Samuel, The University for Southern Baptist Bishops". No, I know. They could use a school that doesn't even have a football team. How about this: "Assante Samuel, The University of Phoenix....on line"

Oh that's gold. It would get at least one laugh.

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A correction to a movie reference that I'm embarrassed to admit I got wrong

Donald(09:52:31): I'm a little disappointed in you, after getting a plaxo update, i read your blog
Donald(09:52:47): Ronald Miller doesn't stand up to Rico Suave at then end
Donald(09:52:59): it was the other shmoe who spilled cheap wine on cindy
Brian(09:53:21): at the school cafeteria?
Donald(09:53:26): yes
Brian(09:53:39): I thought Rico Suave was messing with Kenneth so Ronald stepped in
Donald(09:54:04): Rico's not that kind of was what's his name
Donald(09:54:17): 2:20
Donald(09:54:18): of this video
Brian(09:54:35): damnit you're right
Donald(09:54:38): 2:34..... Rico is on the boy in the middle
Brian(09:54:56): I feel ashamed
Brian(09:55:03): but this is going up there as clarification

I know he murders his wives and all, but damn he's cute in a "big head and fat belly" kind of way

Via here: Drew Peterson is engaged to a 23-year-old woman, CBS-Ch.2 is reporting this morning. His publicist has confirmed the engagement happened a few days ago, the station said. Her name has not been disclosed. Peterson is a suspect in the death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio, and implicated in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy, to whom he is still married.

Women are insane. Yes, I'm impugning all of them. If this can happen again, every woman is responsible.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Perhaps the Bulls would be good if they played in an octagon

Have you ever stopped and wondered why every MLB field has different dimensions? Don't answer that; it was rhetorical. Of course you've never stopped and wondered that. Only I stop and wonder silly things like that. But hear me out for a second.

Just a couple of examples: the right field foul pole at Fenway Park is 302 feet from home plate. On a good day, I could reach back and throw a baseball that far (probably not). At Petco Field, the right field pole is 322 feet away from home plate. Obviously, left handed pull hitters have a much better advantage playing at Fenway than they would by playing at Petco. With a little research, I could probably come up with a much better example than that one where the two fields I'm comparing have much different dimensions. But my point is this - every park is different. Some favor hitters, some favor pitchers, some favor neither.

Now imagine if the NFL allowed this. For instance, we all know that the Ravens have always been a better defensive team than offensive. So to exploit this, what if they decided to make their field 150 yards instead of 100? Opposing offenses would have further to go to score, which would give their defense an even bigger advantage than they already had coming in.

That'd be silly, right? So why does MLB allow it?

Okay, I'm shutting it now.

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A quip about our Prez using 2 movie references

It took us 8 years, but we now know that George Bush has the reflexes of a cat. How did it take us so long to figure that out? He must have studied the 5 D's from Patches: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.

Yeah, but who throws a shoe? I mean honestly.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Looking forward to Teen Witch 2

I sat and watched "Teen Witch" with Jill earlier tonight.

I could pretty much type whatever I want here and it won't matter, will it? There's really no recovery from typing the words "I watched Teen Witch" and publishing it on line for anyone to see. But I'm confident in my whatever it is I need to be confident in, so laugh all you want. Fact is, I took one for the team. I think Teen Witch is one of those movies that girls watch when they're in grade school or junior high and then remember it fondly later in life even though it sucked balls.

Now that isn't to say that it sucked balls in the way that you suck balls. Er, scratch that. No, not my balls. Scratch what you just read. What I meant to say is that it didn't suck balls in the way that Chris Klein movies suck balls; no it sucked balls in the way lower budget late-80's teen comedies suck balls. Bad acting, weird clothes, mullets aplenty, choreographed dance routines, gay younger brothers, popular quarterbacks dating popular cheerleaders, etc. etc. etc.

It starred Blake Lively's older sister, that guy who played Travis from Son in Law, one of the Darren's from Bewitched, and a late 80's Mustang 5.0 convertible. Yeah I think the Mustang got 4th billing in the credits.

Playing the role of Travis from Son in Law's car - 1989 Mustang 5.0 convertible. The director of this spectacular piece of crap had to have been in love with that car. Half the shots came from inside the car looking out, outside the car looking in, and a few from the point of view of the car itself.

I can't even tell you how it ended. It's like the people making it had 90 minutes to tell their story and they simply ran out of time. Nothing really got solved. You know how in every teen movie where the ugly duckling becomes popular, but it's at the expense of their current batch of ugly duckling friends, but then they all make up in the end after the lead learns a life lesson that they shouldn't treat their best friends poorly? Hmm, you don't know? Okay, think "Can't Buy Me Love". Ronald Miller ditches his poker friends for the popular kids, then shits on Kenneth's house. You shit on my house, Man. You shit on my house. Now do you also remember how Ronald stood up for Kenneth at the end when Rico Suave started messing with him in the outdoor cafeteria? Right, because that's what you do when you shit on your best friend's house: you stand up to Rico Suave. Okay so anyway, in this movie, Teen Witch becomes popular and starts treating her best friend poorly. At the end though (yes it takes place at a dance), they never end up making up. That whole story arc goes unfinished. Whatever happened to the best friend? Did they continue hanging out? Also, did Teen Witch continue with her witchcraft? I think she learned her lesson that she shouldn't abuse its powers, but was she still going to use it? Did she have her powers harnessed like Michael J. Fox was able to harnass his wolf? We don't know; the director ran out of time I guess.

This movie really needed a sequel.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

By the time you read this, your money will be gone

It's late and I'm about to go to bed. But I wanted to be the first to point out that by the time we all wake up in the morning, the stock market will have already started its Friday crash. Isn't it nice to know it beforehand? The bailout of the Big 3 fell through, and at the same time, Wall Street advisor Bernard Madoff has been accused of $50 billion worth of fraud in a ponzi scheme.


Happy Friday.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Virtual Insanity, v.2.0

I wonder if one of these virtual gaming companies will ever develop a virtual virtual console. Imagine yourself being behind the controller of your virtual self as he plays video games. That’d be awesome. You could yell at your virtual self as he wastes away his life, screaming things at him like "go outside you loser" or "don’t swing at the high pitch Man, what are you new to this?" Then your virtual wife can walk in and tell you to turn that shit off and take out the garbage while your real wife walks in and tells you to turn that shit off and help with dinner. It’ll be all kinds of confusing.

Drinkability, Bing Crosby, and other Randoms

It's really hard to convey to someone verbally that the vacuum you're using doesn't work well.

When taking a certification test, I'd rather bomb miserably than miss by a point or two. Poor Frank.

That vacuum one only works if I don't explain it. It probably doesn't work either way actually.

Companies that didn’t lose billions in the 3rd quarter but still plan to lay off employees in this type of economical environment are unpatriotic. Sometimes it would help if executives looked at the big picture. If keeping people on won’t cause them to go bankrupt in 2009, they should bite the bullet a little bit. Laying people off adds to the problem.

"The difference is drinkability" has to be the dumbest campaign slogan for a beer company in history. It’s not really saying anything, is it? Lots of things are drinkable; it doesn’t make them good. They would have been better off just flashing the words "Bud Light" on my screen for 30 seconds or so.

Do you think there are any politicians in Chicago who regret going through the troublesome route of actually campaigning to be voted in? All it really takes is enough cash to buy in. Screw the commercials and buttons and lawn signs. That’s too risky. Give that campaign money to the top dog and you’re a lock.

On that note, remember that if we had no winter, the spring wouldn’t be so pleasant. Wait no, that’s not true. They’d both be pleasant. Stupid winter.

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The more you know, 1 Happy St-style

I got an email forward this morning from a friend that I found interesting. It looked more like an urban legend than an actual story that happened to someone, but I got to thinking about it and I could see how what "happened" to this lady could actually happen to someone theoretically. So I forward it on to you (unnecessary ellipses and poorly constructed grammar included):
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... etc...was stolen.. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin number and I replied a little while ago.' When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account. Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad , Mom, etc..... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back!!
Good info I think...... very informative...................!!!!!, !!! I think hubby is a jackass, but lots of hubbys are....jackasses. So ladies, if your hubby is a jackass, make sure, you tell him not to give out your BANK pin to you over text!!!!....!!.1>!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Strike this guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy out

I think I may have mentioned before that my favorite dubbing of a curse word in a movie that was playing on TBS or TNT continues to be when Roger Dorn approaches Rick Vaughn on the mound during the last game in Major League. In the unedited version, Roger says "let's cut through the crap Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out." Then Rick smiles, Roger goes back to his position, and Rick strikes the guy out on 3 straight heaters. But in the edited version for TBS, they dubbed in a word that doesn't fit the amount of time it takes to say "motherfucker", and they got this Barry White-like voice to do the dub. It's just awkward and weird, but it always made me laugh.

Well I found it and taped it. So enjoy.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

So long, Gov'nor

Let's recap the charges against my governor Rod Blagojevich:

Charge #1 He tried to sell the appointment of Barack Obama's vacant seat in the Illinois Senate. I'm not sure the alleged extent of it, but it looks like he was willing to give that seat to the highest bidder. In a taped conversation, he was overheard saying "[he's] not willing to give me anything but appreciation, so fuck him."

First of all, the fact that a state's governor has this much power is silly. Why is he allowed to pick? I never understood that. And second of all, in the awesomeness scale that uses arbitrarily-chosen numbers based on nothing whatsoever, that quote is 17 degrees of awesomeness. It takes a certain kind of dumbass to abuse power that was abusive to begin with. Why rock that boat? It's like a kid who is given permission from his parents to stay up late to watch a little bit more television, but he uses that time to watch soft-core porn. Yeah, it's exactly like that.

Charge #2 The FBI also alleges that Blagojevich tried to use the Chicago Tribune's sale of the Cubs as leverage to obtain favorable treatment in the paper's editorial pages.

This one is even better. Every politician is out for money; that's not really news. But in the 2nd charge, it seems as though he's on a mission to stop free speech. That may just be 18 or 19 arbitrarily-chosen degrees of awesomeness. As I understand it, the director of the Trib's editorial page (John McCormick) has been critical of Rod, so the FBI caught our governor on tape with his chief of staff (John Harris) saying things like "fire those bleeps" and "get em the bleep out of there" and "bleep these bleeping bleeps with their bleeping bleeps and their bleeping bleeps". I may have made up one of those.

But the point is that he didn't appreciate that a newspaper's editorial page was being critical of him, so he was doing all he could to get the whole staff fired. I must say, coming on the heels of that newspaper filing for bankruptcy, this has not been a good week for print media. So long Free Press. It was nice knowing you.

And if these charges are true, so long Rod Blagojevich. Knowing you was not as nice. I hope your cellmate shaves that bird's nest on your head while you sleep.

'Cause the mail never stops

The US Postal Service has two mailboxes side by side on the 1st floor of my building. Each of the mailboxes has the pickup times posted on the front. The one on the left shows pickup times of 10 AM and 5 PM while the one on the right shows only one pickup time at 10 AM. Isn't that odd? I see a couple problems:

One, who in their right mind would put their outgoing mail in the box that only picks up at 10:00? Let's say you arrive at the boxes at like 9:45. Are you going to risk the chance that maybe the carrier was early that day, meaning it wouldn't get picked up for a full day? Hell no. You're gonna put it in the box that picks up at 10 AND 5 to eliminate the risk.

Two, who is this lazy mail carrier that only checks one box in the evening? THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER! It wouldn't even take more time. These aren't those big blue mail boxes that you see on the street. No, they're the ones that are built right into the wall that probably have bins beneath them to catch whatever gets put in.

"Hmm, there's a letter in the 10 o'clock bin. Fuck that, I'm not picking it up. It can wait 'til tomorrow. We have to play by the rules as they're posted or else there's anarchy. Plus I'm a lazy ass."

I'm probably over-thinking this.

Did you actually get to see the Rod?

Was your Governor just arrested? No? Hmm, well that means you're not from Illinois. We arrest our governors around here. Two for our last two. Yeah that's right.

The backstory behind the Billy Ripken "fuck face" card

This article is probably more interesting to me than it will be to you, but that's only because I have this baseball card. Darren Rovell of CNBC got an interview with Billy Ripken to discuss how the "fuck face" card came to be. I've had the card since I was a kid and I thought I knew the true backstory behind it, but it turns out I didn't. A good read.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Funky, funky Christmas

Every year around this time, people will say things like "It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me" or "I'm just not in the spirit yet". I'm not sure what that means though. They complain that they used to be in the spirit all month, but I'm not buying it. If it's a yearly complaint, maybe they're just remembering it wrong on how it used to be.

Either way, I'm here to help. If this video doesn't get you in the spirit, nothing will (short of Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss).

No need to thank me. Hearing you hum it later is thanks enough.

The password is.....

The hardest part about coming back from a long vacation is remembering how to access all of my daily programs. I've opened the word doc with all of my stored passwords like 5 times already.

Hey speaking of, that word doc is password protected so that any yahoo can't just open it and know all of my shit. But what if I forget what that password is? It's not like I can store it in my password document. That'd be silly. Which begs the question - where's a good place to store your password for your password-protected document of passwords?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Not so instant messenger

So you're having an IM conversation with someone, but you decide it's getting late and you're logging off. After you say your goodbye, do you wait for them to say goodbye back before you log off? I do; I guess I need the closure. But sometimes it gets a little annoying like if it takes a good minute or two before they respond. C'mon, c'mon, respond damnit. Just a quick "c ya" or something. That's all I need. I can't leave here 'til I get it. It's getting late and I wanna go to bed. Plus my feet are cold. F*cking respond already.....

Weak sauce.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A conversation with Greg over Facebook chat

what does "shawty wanna thugg" mean?
lil wayne's lollipop... good song. :)

it either means some girl wants TO thugg or some girl wants A thugg
not sure though

Yes, it gets the "getting old" tag.

Great moments in customer service

My friend Tony got an email on Monday from the Chicago Transit Authority to let him know about a rate increase:

Dear Chicago Card and Chicago Card Plus Customers:This is to update you about CTA's fare changes and how they will affect you. Effective January 1, 2009, CTA fares will increase. While we recognize that these fare changes come during challenging economic times, they are necessary to maintain service. It is important to note that there will be no reductions in bus or rail service. Please visit here for a complete listing of the new fares.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Tony responded:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CTA responded back to him early this morning:

Thanks for your feedback.
--CTA Customer Service
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excellent

Monday, December 01, 2008

Lebron James = Forrest Gump?

"If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up. I’m a big LeBron fan. He’s a stud. You gotta give him his props. I’m getting so annoyed he’s talking about what he’s going to do in two years. I think it’s disrespectful to the game. I think it’s disrespectful to the Cavaliers." - Charles Barkley in a radio interview last Wednesday with Dan Patrick."

Lebron’s response: "He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------That’s all I’ve got to say about that? Awesome sauce. If Charles responds back with "stupid is as stupid does", I’ll be a happy man.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Someone will laugh, I promise

You have my permission to use this joke tomorrow. I promise somebody will laugh, but you really have to sell it. Afterwards, give a sneaky smile that says "yeah it was lame but you have to appreciate the effort". That's the key. Okay, here goes. After the dishes are done and the leftovers are being put away, pick up a piece of cold turkey and say, "Man I'm addicted to this stuff. One day I hope to be able to quit, but I doubt I'll be able to do it on the first try."

Then look around and smile. It'll work I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bored games

I guess this has been out for a while, but I just saw the commercial for the first time a few days ago. It's monopoly with a friggin debit card. Um, we don't accept cash here, but we accept all major credit cards and/or debits. Also, that property you bought at the beginning of the game has dropped in value by 50% while your taxes have gone up, so you just defaulted on your mortgage. WAAAA waaaa! To help pay your bills, you tried to rob the convenient store at the corner but you got caught and now you're in jail. Oops. Too bad there's no longer any get out of jail free cards. No, if you want to get out of jail, you'll have to over-spend for hot-shot lawyer or get a Presidential pardon. It's Monopoly 2008-style! Woo hoo!

What will they think up next? Nobody says "sorry" anymore, so can they change the name of that game to something like "I'm sorry if anyone happened to be offended"? How about instead of "Chutes and Ladders", we have "Chutes and Elevators"? A kid today isn't gonna climb a ladder. And what the fuck is a chute for that matter? Just call it Elevators and Slides.

Candyland? Can we change Candyland? I guess not much has changed with candy except for maybe gum drops. I don't think I've ever eaten a gum drop, so I doubt kids today are eating them. Okay fine, gum drops will change to chewy sweet tarts. Mmm, chewy sweet tarts.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A tip of the hat to you Sir

I haven't done a research paper in a while, but if I was forced to do one, my works cited page would just be a series of hat tips. I can't think of any research topic where I wouldn't be able to find everything I needed using a handful of blogs or search engines, so my works cited would look like this:

1. h/t daily kos
2. h/t gawker
3. h/t gizmodo
4. h/t google (I'd keep it general)
5. h/t huffington post (just for fun)
6. h/t seth godin
7. h/t wikipedia

Oh c'mon that's funny.

Overheard in the office

Her: What's your email address?
Her: Is that "B" as in Bosco, "S" as in South Africa?
Me: I guess.


What's with all the pirates?

Feel the burn? No thanks. Pass the stuffing

I never understood why workout instructors or gym teachers or meatheads will say things like "no pain, no gain". First of all, who the hell wants to be in pain? In my opinion, no pain, no pain!! I could choose to exercise today, but afterwards my body would hurt. Isn’t that more drama than I need? I’d much rather sit here and do nothing and allow my body to feel no pain whatsoever. Of course the alternative is to actually get up off my ass and do something, which leads me to my second of all; the phrase itself is wrong. "No pain" implies that I’m not working out, so it would stand to reason that I’m going to gain a few pounds, right? Especially around Thanksgiving. So in this case, "no pain, plenty of gain".

I should totally put that on a t-shirt.

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The following takes place between bloop blop blip, and blip blop bloop

In that "24: Redemption" thing from Sunday, I can't figure out why Jack employed the "jump out of the tree like a ninja and land on top of the bad guys" move. That move never works. I remember trying that move once in grade school , but I missed my target by a couple feet. Ouch that hurt. But you know what? Even if I would have hit my target, I think that would have hurt just as much as it did from hitting the ground. Either way, I was still falling out of a tree, right? So what would the difference have been if I would have landed on a person rather than the ground? It's like in wrestling; if a wrestler jumps from the top rope and lands on his opponent, that's usually the crushing blow in the match. The guy who takes the brunt of a jump from the top rope isn't recovering from that*. But if a guy jumps from the top rope and his opponent slides out of the way at the last second, the jumper is the one who ends up in serious pain. I mean what the fuck is that?!? Personally, I think it would hurt more if you landed on the dude.

* I never understood why wrestlers tried this move. By my count (which is unscientific and uses little to no data other than my own memory), jumping off the top rope had a less than 50% success rate. Granted if you pulled it off, you were gonna be the winner. But with the success rate being what it was, I think it was a silly gamble. Sometimes wrestlers could be so dumb.

Back to Jack Bauer, the ninja tree move was the wrong play in my opinion. Maybe if it was only one guy who he was attempting to land on, it may have worked. But he was jumping on two guys. And it was two guys with automatic weapons in their hands. It had no chance.

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Monday, November 24, 2008

There's gotta be an easier way

I just had a conference call that went like this:

Her: Hi who joined?
Me: This is Brian.
Her: Hi Brian. You know we don't need you today so you can drop off.
Me: Okay bye.

Work's got me so stressed right now.

Conversation overheard while installing some windows

Me: Installing windows are a pane.
Me: No good?
Him: I see right through that joke.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Who's hungry?

Producer: Do you think we should...oh I don't know...maybe move down a few feet?
Sarah: Nonsense. This is fine.
Producer: Really? 'Cause I gotta say, this feels like a bad idea. I don't really see the value of shooting it from here. Also...and again this is just me throwing this out there...but uh, well there could be kids watching this.
Sarah: Well it could be educational.
Producer: Yeah but it could also get pretty graphic. Honestly, I'd feel more comfortable if we just moved down a bit.
Sarah: Just shoot the son-bitch.
Producer: Fair enough. In 5, 4, 3, 2......

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Funny or Die, Google Maps, and other Randoms

George Bush’s approval rating is 23%. You might look at that number and think "jeez, nobody likes him". I look at that number and think "jeez, who the [bleep] are these 23%?"

We’ll be back with more unfair George Bush attacks right after this [que music].

I recently changed my personal email password from something I had been using since 2003. How long do you think it'll be before I can enter it correctly on the first try? So far I’m like 0 for 25.

Google maps doesn’t know where my house is. If you type in my address, Google maps takes the liberty of changing it to a house on the other side of town. You have no idea how much trouble this has caused me.

I can’t think of anything that is more boring than watching other people play video games.

Speaking of, I can’t think of anyone who is ruder than the guy who won’t let others play Guitar Hero on the display at Best Buy. Okay maybe I can. But EF that guy anyway.

It took me until the 3rd or 4th time of going to Funny or Die that I realized it wasn’t called Funny Ordie. I kept wondering who or what ordie was.

That’s probably one of those things I should keep to myself. Screw it. You already know that I’m a moron.

On that note, remember that it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably the parent of a loser.

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If Twilight had Chris Klein in it, I'd picket outside the theater

Seven or eight years ago, I came up with 3 personal rules about movies I'd be willing to see.

1. It couldn't be about mummies
2. It couldn't be about vampires
3. It couldn't have Chris Klein in it

That 3rd rule was me just trying to be funny (and failing again). But those other two rules I still take seriously to this day. Stories about mummies or vampires are uninteresting to me. It's like being a Cubs fan; I understand that there are people who root for the Cubs, but I'm not going to pretend that I understand why. I'd just assume let other people watch while I stay out of the way. I know mummy and vampire movies exist even though I'd rather they didn't. But if someone else wants to be a fan, that's their problem and doesn't concern me.

But this influx of vampire bullshit recently is starting to concern me (First with True Blood on HBO and now with this movie Twilight). Someone asked me yesterday if I was looking forward to seeing "Twilight". The look this guy gave me when I responded with "what's Twilight?" reminded me of the look I give to people when they tell me they're fans of Dane Cook; a mixture of confusion and shock with just a hint of anger. I felt like Jon Favreau's clown character in Seinfeld when he said he didn't know who Bozo was.

Me: "What is it some kind of movie?"
Him: "Some kind of movie? Twilight is THE movie. Twilight the movie, that's what it's called."
Me: "So I don't know what Twilight is, big deal. You're hung up on some movie from the 60's man."

Okay, so now I know. It's a busted vampire movie starring Robert something-or-other. It's a movie I'd never see based on a book I'd never read.

Good, great, grand.

Fucking vampires.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I've been "wantink" to do this for some time now

Jill and I watched The Hills again last night. I told her that it would be the last time I'd watch it. I can't take it anymore. The show is so stupid, the people on it are so unlikeable, and every time I watch it I end up getting mad. And it's not anger that's directed at anything or anyone in particular. It's just general madness. Something about the show irritates me to no end. I've composed a list of possible reasons why I get so irritated. My guess is it's one or all of the following:

- Justin Bobby's goofy hats and the way he sticks his jaw out when he runs out of things to say.

- Audrina's big teeth.

- Whenever a character says "are you serious? oh my god". First of all, it wasn't a big deal. And I have no second of all; it wasn't a big deal. Yes he cheated on her, but it wasn't the first time he did it and it won't be the last. She's a complete fucking moron and he's an asshole so it was bound to happen.

- Brody's birthday parties.

- Everything about Spencer. He's rude, he's dumb, he has no friends, his facial hair is the same color as his skin, and he has a girlfriend who won't leave him. If you were to look up "douche" in the dictionary, it would probably say something about feminine hygiene. Er, you know what I mean; that stupid dictionary picture cliche'.

- Lauren and Stephanie's computer class. Or is it a fashion class? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that nothing ever gets accomplished there.

- Lo. Why hasn't another woman punched her in the face yet? Right square in the nose.

- The way Whitney pronounces the "g" at the end of any word that ends in "-ing" to where it sounds like a "k" sound. Are the guys comink? I have to go out to my car and get somethink. Ugh. It sounds like there's a gallon of phlegm in her throat. Clear that shit.

I'm sure there are more "thinks" that bother me, but those are the reasons that I can think of off the top of my head. So goodbye Hills. It's been a pleasure. And by "pleasure", I mean "series of half-hour increments where I wanted to kill myself after it was over". Enjoy the rest of your run.

BlackBarry losing his BlackBerry

For security concerns, Barack Obama may have to give up his BlackBerry. From the NYT:

For years, like legions of other professionals, Mr. Obama has been all but addicted to his BlackBerry. The device has rarely been far from his side to provide a singular conduit to the outside world as the bubble around him grew tighter and tighter throughout his campaign. But before he arrives at the White House, he will probably be forced to sign off. In addition to concerns about e-mail security, he faces the Presidential Records Act, which puts his correspondence in the official record and ultimately up for public review, and the threat of subpoenas. A decision has not been made on whether he could become the first e-mailing president, but aides said that seemed doubtful.....aides said he hopes to have a laptop computer on his desk in the Oval Office, making him the first American president to do so.

The first e-mailing President? A laptop computer? He's so techy. What next, a VCR?

Give me an "A"! Give me a "B"! What's that spell? AB!

This story is awesome.

For 22 sixth-graders from Bellwood, IL, it's the chance -- and challenge -- of a lifetime: If they can get all A's and B's throughout middle school and high school, stay out of trouble and graduate, they'll earn a college scholarship worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to Concordia University in River Forest, IL.

Fifth Third Bank is sponsoring the program, which includes free tuition, room, board and books at Concordia, where tuition is nearly $30,000. It's likely to cost substantially more when these kids start college, around 2015, though Concordia plans to offer a steep discount.

The cynic in me says that this opens up the possibility for lawsuits if a teacher of one of these 22 students gives them a C in the next 7 years. But....wait, I'm no cynic.

This story is awesome.

Monday, November 17, 2008

5 wishes Steve Martin style

We're approaching that time of year, so if I had just one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids. Definitely. The second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina Somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too. She's behind me one hundred percent on this, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, y'know 'cause it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean they're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth. So we reorganize.

Here we go; first, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies. Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell. That would be the fourth wish. And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you Everybody and Merry Christmas.

A long-winded Cubs post

Ever since I came up with my no-brainer rule, I've been hearing people use that term more and more.

Do you think they'll go for it here on 4th down Johnny?
I'd say it's a no-brainer Bob.

Do you think Dusty will let his starter pitch the 9th?
Of course, that's a no-brainer.

Should I tell my boss I'm unhappy with my salary?
Oh yeah, it's a no-brainer. If you're not happy, you gotta tell him.

In other words, sometimes a no-brainer means you're not using your brain. I was reminded of this last week when I heard one of the local sports radio guys (Brian Paruch on AM670?) saying that the Cubs trading for Jake Peavy is a complete no-brainer (in the good way).

The radio host was saying that whatever the Padres want for Jake Peavy, the Cubs should give it to them, whether it be Jeff Samardzija, Ronny Cedeno, Sean Marshall, Josh Vitters, Tyler Colvin, or anybody. He didn't mention whether or not he'd include Soto (in my opinion, it would be borderline criminal for Jim Hendry to include Soto in a trade for Jake Peavy), but let's assume Soto is untouchable, I still think a trade for Peavy using those other players is the no-brained version of a no-brainer. Let's look at Jake Peavy first.

When he's healthy, Jake Peavy is one of the best pitchers in the league. He strikes out 9 per 9 (sometimes more), he doesn't give up many hits (relative to guys who do), and his ERA has been under 3.00 in four of the last five years (granted, this has been at Petco). These are all good things. But let's look at the bad.

After 2007, he was coming off three straight seasons of pitching at least 200 innings. In 2008, he only pitched in 173. Why did he pitch in fewer innings? Because he missed six or seven starts. Why did he miss six or seven starts? Because he was experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm. Why was he experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm? Because he throws a lot of sliders. Why does he throw a lot of sliders? Because that's his 'out' pitch. Why am I asking questions and then answering them? Shut it, nobody asked you. My point is this: the reason he has been one of baseball's best pitchers for the last five years is because he has a wicked slider to compliment his capable fastball. But if the guy is starting to show signs of elbow trouble, you can bet that he'll have to cut down on the number of sliders he'll be throwing in the future. And with a fastball that runs 92-94 mph, what does that make him? Well potentially, it makes him an average pitcher rather than the Cy Young candidate the Cubs thought they were trading for. Granted, he's still a rotation guy, and you can't have too many rotation guys. But let's talk about the guys the Cubs would have to give up to get him.

Jeff Samardzija (who has a no-trade clause. WTF?) is replaceable I suppose. It's not like the Cubs have ever counted on him. He's a reliever with a great arm whom I suspect will always be a reliever. He's good to have around, but not completely necessary. Ronny Cedeno has similar value. He's not a good enough hitter to be their starting SS by any means, but he's a good defensive replacement in late innings and a capable spot-starter. Josh Vitters and Tyler Colvin, well there's your future right there. But who cares about the future? We need to win now! So okay, they're gone. But then we get to Sean Marshall. He sucks, right? Well not exactly. I'm willing to acknowledge that he'll never be more than a back-end rotation guy or long reliever. On the Cubs, however, the back-end rotation guy and long-reliever is extremely important. Look at their starters. You have Rich Harden, who for some reason can't pitch more than five innings a game. You have Carlos Zambrano, who for some reason can't go the entire season without missing a few starts here and there. And with this trade, you'll have Jake Peavy, the "ace" who is beginning to show signs of elbow pain in his throwing arm. Who is the guy who would fill in when Harden gets taken out in the 6th and Zambrano and Peavy miss their starts? Today it'd be Sean Marshall. If this trade were to happen, Sean Marshall would be the guy filling in nicely at the back-end of the Padres' rotation.

So is it a no-brainer for the Cubs to trade for Jake Peavy? Yeah, I'd say it is.

Follow-up note from Brian: I have confirmed that the radio host was Brian Paruch. Greg, you may remember him if I call him by his old Q101 name. He's the Whipping Boy. Yeah now he's on AM670 as a fill-in host. His voice is even more grating now that he's talking sports.

Someone finally got it

Sometimes when I'm with my friends in a group setting, this blog will get mentioned in conversation. Somebody will say something like "oh, you've never been to his blog?" Then the other person will say "no". Then the first person will say "yeah it's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."

And that will be the end of it.

Other times, somebody will come up to me and say something like "Dude, I hadn't been to your blog in like 2 weeks, but I just spent the last 30 minutes catching up on all of it. I loved your joke about Elian Gonzalez." Then I'll say "yeah, thanks. Wait, what joke about Elian Gonzalez?" And he'll be all "hmm, maybe that wasn't your blog. I caught up on a lot of reading this morning."

And that will be the end of it.

But on Saturday, I had a first. I was at lunch with a handful of friends and we were well on our way to that first conversation up there. But watch how it turned out:

Guy 1: "You've never been to his blog? It's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."
Guy 2: "What's it called?"
Guy 1: "Number 1 Happy Street"
Guy 2: "Ha....What the frig is the address here?"
Me: "Wait a second. You get it?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, My Blue Heaven. Awesome movie."

I think I'm in love with Guy 2.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Overheard in the office

These are the kinds of pointless conversations you would have if you were me:

Him: "I don't know how old you were in the 1980's, but blah blah blah market crash blah blah blah oil prices blah blah blah economy blah blah same thing blah blah blah more stuff on the economy blah blah blah in 1987 blah blah blah and then again a few years later."

Me: "Well I was of varying ages in the 1980's because it spanned 10 years."

Him: "What?"

Here's how that entire conversation went in my head: "Wait for it, wait for it, don't pay attention to what he's saying, wait for it, wait for it, the joke sucks but you should still use it, wait for it, wait for it, NOW!"

Spoilers revisited

Gee, I wonder where they got this idea.


The current psyche of a Cubs fan

The following is an IM conversation between me and a Cubs fan friend of mine:

Me: The Cubs are hoping to bring back Dempster, closer Kerry Wood and backup catcher Henry Blanco, all of whom are free agents. The deal for Blanco is expected to get done shortly provided the Cubs agree to his demand for a no-trade clause.
Him: I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing at me when I get there.
Me: He'll be all 'Dude I totally got you. I could have made you a White Sox fan or a Cardinals fan. I could have even made you hate sports. But I went this way instead and it couldn't have worked out better for me.'
Him: I'll show him. Let's go Tigers!

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Only 364 more days until hockey tryouts, I gotta toughen up

From the Miami Herald:

A Miami-Dade jury has awarded almost $1.2 million to a 21-year-old man hit in the groin by a batting-cage pitch. Lhyvann Felipe, who was 19 years old at the time, was hit in the groin by a 60 mph pitch. He was hospitalized several days later. The ball struck him after an employee [of the place] asked him to go back into the batting cage to help pick up the balls. The machine, which had already completed the cycle and did not have the lights on, spit out the ball, which hit him. The judgment called for Felipe to be paid $160,000 for medical expenses and $1 million for pain and suffering.

I have a couple thoughts after reading this:
1. What kind of busted place is this that makes you retrieve your own balls? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
2. Even if I was collecting my own balls at a batting cage, I still wouldn’t be walking in front of that son-bitch regardless of whether or not the cycle was over. That defies Rule #18 in my big book of personal rules that are based on the movie series "Final Destination", which is "Never put yourself in a position that could potentially allow a machine to act out on its own and kill you".

This rule is also responsible for me never going near a shower, a dentist, an elevator, a fire escape, a roller coaster, or sporting equipment thats hanging in the rafters of a garage.

h/t TBL

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The executives at AIG should be harmed physically

If you're at all like me (and I know you are), you spend a lot of your free time coming up with a person or persons to be pissed at. No? That's not you? Yeah it's not me either. But sometimes it could be cleansing to have some hatred. So I'm going to do you a favor and give you a group of people you can devote a full day's worth of hatred towards.

The executives at AIG.

I defy you read that story and not wish personal harm on each of their executives. I defy you read that story and not at least contemplate [generic activity that's probably illegal that I'm not typing on line]. Go ahead. Try to. It's not happening.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

We're so bad, we know we're bad

"Our defense is designed to stop one aspect of the opposing team's offense while ignoring the other. If we stop the run, the QB will look like Steve Young. If we stop the pass, the RB will look like Walter Payton. It's a system that has worked in the past and we're sticking with it."

- A fake quote by Lovie Smith designed to look real by making its message factually accurate

I think they need a new plan.

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Friday, November 07, 2008

I'm busy so this is all you get from me

I felt sick to my stomach during Pam's classmate's speech to her last night. Should a 30-minute television show have this kind of effect on me? No it shouldn't. Stellar episode though. Finally.

Oh and 30 Rock was the shizz once again.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Name that Do

Do do do do DO, do do do do do.
Do do do do do, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO. Do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.

Do do do do DO, do do do-do do do do.
Do do do do do, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.

Do do do do do
(Do do do do do do do-do)
Do do do do do

My job is to help Kirk Hinrich make a jumpshot

Here's to hoping that Chris Matthews will one day become the beat reporter or lead journalist for a Chicago newspaper's sports section. Then I won't have to read about how badly Luol Deng sucks or how bad the Bears defense is.

Help me Obi-Wolf Kenobi

This creeped me out a little.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Checking in.......

So did anything interesting happen last night? I went home sick from work, took some meds, and passed out until this morning. My newspaper feels really thick, so something must have happened, but I haven't had a chance to read it yet. I see a black guy on the front page waving to me, but the headlines aren't clear on who he is or why he's waving.

Okay, well I'll check in later.

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

All Aboard!

Found here: Pakistani Sunni Muslims devotees return back to their homes on a packed train after attending annual religious congregation in Multan, Pakistan, Sunday, Nov 2, 2008.

I think there's an opening in the back.

Conversation with a co-worker

My cell phone rings.

Him (laughing): "Hey Man, I totally just saw you picking your nose."

Me (confused): "Yeah? Where are you?"

Him: "I'm right behind you. You just passed me at the toll booth."

Me: "I'm in the office right now."

Him: "Oh. Wait, okay it's not you. He looks like you though and he drives a Magnum just like yours."

Me: "I drive a Jeep."

Him: "Oh. Never mind."

Monday, November 03, 2008

More Nard Dog, less Halpert's

I had a conversation with a friend of mine on Friday about last Thursday's episode of The Office. It went something like this:

Him: "Did you see The Office last night?"
Me: "Yeah."
Him: "Wasn't it awesome?"
Me: "For real?"
Him: "You didn't think so?"
Me: "Eh."

I'll admit after looking back on some of the posts I've had here recently that I've been a little bit down on things. And for that, I apologize. I also hate being "That Guy"*. But in my opinion, this whole season of The Office has been kind of weird. It's had its moments (just about everything with Nard Dog or Darrell), but overall, I can't think of a single episode all season where I'd call it a classic while previous seasons had a classic episode just about every week. And I don't really see where they're going with this Jim and Pam thing. This show has always been kind of awkward, but it's also been funny at the same time. That lunch with Jim's brothers wasn't funny at all; it was just painful. And I could have done a better job of acting than the two jokers they got to play them. Who were those guys?

* By "That Guy", I mean the kind of person who hates anything that's popular. I can come up with a whole list of things I like (and still do) that have been or currently are popular that some people will hate for exactly that reason. Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, DMB, O.J. Simpson. So I strive to not be That Guy.

It's only November; there's still plenty of time to right this thing. I just hope Jim's brothers are done making appearances 'til the wedding.

Corruption: Physics mystery at Shawshank

There's a handful of movies that I'll sit and watch at least a portion of any time they're on. Shawshank is one of them, which I happened to catch a few days ago. But when I got to the end this time, something caught my attention that I had never noticed or questioned before.

Just before Andy broke through the prison's plumbing system and crawled through that river of shit, he slammed a rock into the pipe a handful of times to get it to break. Now assuming that it was made of some type of lead/galvanized steel, how did he puncture it using just a rock? And then how was he able to carve out a perfectly round hole big enough to fit through? Do you know if any of that is even possible? I have two thoughts on the subject:

1. He wouldn't have been able to break it using only a rock.
2. Even if he could have, he probably wouldn't have known that beforehand, which makes his overall plan rather suspect right from the start.

Please tell me I'm wrong. I hate to find flaws in my favorite movies.

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wasting time on a Thursday

Via here: John McCain and Barack Obama will be interviewed by [gulp] Chris Berman on Monday. Those interviews will air at halftime of the MNF game on ESPN and will "give both candidates a last major chance to appeal to Americans during a coveted spot on prime-time television."


For fun, I am going to predict how those interviews will go based on fairly obvious and unfunny characterizations of all 3 guys. Why am I doing this? Hey don't ask questions. Here we go:

Chris: "I'm being joined now by John McCain and Abel and Barack Olabama Crimson Tide. Thanks for joining me Gentlemen."

McCain: "The pleasure is all mine, my friend."

Barack: "I'm a socialist."

Okay I gave up. I was going to do a whole thing there, but I ended up working through lunch today and I just didn't have time. I never even came up with anything for Obama to say, so I just went with 'I'm a socialist'. Whatev's. I debated even publishing this, but it's here, so I said screw it. Feel free to predict the rest of the conversation if you'd like and post it in the comments.

And since I don't want to leave you here empty-handed, click the play button on the youtube clip below for a totally underrated 1990's song that you're sure to enjoy.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Synchronized debates

If you were only able to catch one of the debates, don't worry. You got the gist.

Via here

Wedding receptions, Evite, and other Randoms

I read a headline that says the White Sox won’t be picking up Ken Griffey Jr’s $16 million option for 2009. In other news, my boss denied my request to stay home from work for the next few months while still getting paid.

New drinking game: take a shot every time Mike Singletary says "team" during a post-game press conference.

Hey did you know that there’s a World Series going on? I knew there was one going on last week, but apparently there still is. Yeah I was shocked too. I guess you learn something new every day.

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. I already have bets for the reception on who will be the jealous single girl who wishes she was getting married instead as well as the over-served guy who dances too much, so really the only thing left to bet on is whether this will be the last song played, or this will be. I'm hoping for the latter.

Now that he’s becoming an elite NBA player, do you think any kids will start buying Rudy Gay’s jersey?

On that note, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, ask your manager to assign it to someone else.

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A TWSS overheard in the office

"What you have now in [Derrick] Rose is a guy who can penetrate and put the ball in."

Sometimes it's too easy. Although I'm of the opinion that if you're putting the ball in, you're doing it wrong.

Monday, October 27, 2008

No matter who you vote for next Tuesday, it'll be the wrong choice

A fantastically interesting read on the economy can be found in the Wall Street Journal today by clicking here. The article is written by Arthur Laffer, the napkin guy. I hate to keep mentioning the economy in this space, but it's an issue that effects all of us and will continue effecting all of us for a long time. So I'll recap the article's finer points by creating a fake Q and A between myself and Mr. Laffer.

Me: Arthur, love your work. You're a true patriot. First question, what are your thoughts on the government bailout?

Arthur: Well it's always a nice gesture to alleviate hardships. Buying defaulted mortgages and injecting capital into banks seems like a very nice thing to do. But you have to remember that the government doesn't create; it just redistributes. Whenever the government bails someone out of trouble, they always put someone else into trouble. Also, for every $100 billion in bailout money, the government spends at least $130 billion in taxes, where the $30 billion extra is the cost of getting government involved.

Me: No shit.

Arthur: No, none at all.

Me: I suppose you have some statistics that would back that up.

Arthur: Of course I do. You can read them all in the article. I'd cite them right now but I doubt you'd want to type all that.

Me: Good point. And thank you for your concern. Bottom line though is that you don't feel that a government bailout is the answer.

Arthur: No, I don't. But not only that, the bailout isn't the only thing they're proposing. Right now, they are preparing for a new $300 billion stimulus package in the next Congress. Each of these actions separately increases the tax burden on the economy and does nothing to encourage economic growth. Giving more money to people when they fail and taking more money away from people when they work doesn't increase work. And the stock market knows it. These plans are horribly short-sighted.

Me: Yeah I think we're seeing that right now. So the big-money question Mr. Laffer is this: if the economy is my #1 concern going into next week's election, for whom should I vote that would best serve my interests?

Arthur: You mean the country's interests? Or your interests?

Me: Ah, well played. The country's interests.

Arthur: Well Reagan's dead, and Clinton can't run. So between Obama and McCain, I'd choose option 3.

Me: What's option 3?

Arthur: Exactly.

Friday, October 24, 2008


This morning I wrote this: A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake).

This afternoon I read this: Police sources tell KDKA that a campaign worker has now confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter "B" in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

I'm beginning to hate life.

The present's made of Virtual Insanity

You may have already read this:
TOKYO: A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four questions pop into my head after reading that:
1. What the fuck?
2. I'm sorry, so did someone actually die?
3. Why didn't you stop at the bank this morning? You're leaving for out of town after work today and you have no money on you. This would have saved a lot of time.
4. Is that game rated "M"?

....but I feel fine

The market is so bad right now that they've stopped free trade. A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake). It's dark for the first hour or so that we're awake and it's only light for an hour or so after we get home. The frigging Tampa Bay Rays are representing the American League in the World Series.

I'm tired of doom and gloom. This is supposed to be a happy street. Do you have anything good you'd like to discuss? I'm open for anything.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Backstreet Boys should be killed, brokerage firms, and other Randoms

If something is fun, is it off the chain or off the hook? I can never remember.

We’ve known the man for nearly two decades. So why do some people continue to spell his name "Farve"?

I saw a baby with a piece of hard candy in its hand. I tried to take it from him, but that little guy was having no part of it.

Why are brokerage firms continuing to allow newspaper photographers into their office to take their picture while they look down with their hands on their forehead? That seems counter-productive to me.

Have you ever noticed that the sentimentality over jewelry is almost always linear to its value?

Why hasn’t the light ever gone out on my desk phone that indicates I have a voice mail? And if it ever does, how would I know?

Did you notice all the different rules on balls hit in play that Tropicana Field has? If it hits here, it’s a double. If it hits here, it’s a HR. If it hits here, it’s a foul ball. If it hits here, we kill a hobo. If it hits here, Longoria gets traded to the Yankees. Jeez, if there’s one team that needs a new stadium, it’s the Rays.

Speaking of the World Series, if ever there was a time where I’d condone murdering a singer as he/she was singing our National Anthem, last night would have been that time.

There has to be a better way for me to construct that last sentence. How about this: The Backstreet Boys should be killed.

I'm keeping it short today (that's what SHE said). So on that note, remember that you should always treat strangers with kindness, because you never know if that was only a 1st impression.

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The makers of this thing were either joking or joking

Those crazy Brits with their peeing dolls, creepy dads, and...never mind. Just watch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Unfortunate moments in restaurant thievery

Note to self: If you're going to ditch out on a restaurant bill just for kicks, make sure you don't accidentally leave behind your purse with your drivers license in it. Oh and your weed. Yeah keep those items close by. A restaurant probably won't dust for fingerprints over a ditched check, but they'll certainly dust for a DRIVERS LICENSE LEFT OUT IN THE OPEN!!!!!!

Another note to self: Quit carrying around a purse. You're a guy.

One final note to self: Pay your stupid restaurant bill next time. The chance of getting arrested certainly isn't worth $46 divided by 4.

Headline seen

Stocks slump for no f*cking reason whatsoever

Okay so I didn't really see that headline, but wouldn't it be appropriate? Just look at some of the stock market headlines that you see on a daily basis. Today the market slumped on recession fears. Okay, but what about yesterday? Wasn't there a fear of a recession yesterday? Yes there was. But that didn't stop the market from surging due to the announcement of a POSSIBLE stimulus package. A stimulus package that hasn't even happened. A stimulus package that has the same possibility of happening today as it had yesterday. I can't find headlines that go back that far, but I have no doubt that the market either slumped or surged on Friday due to something that's still true today. And same for last Thursday. And last Wednesday. And so on. And so on.

So what the f*ck?

They took 'er jerbs.


This last part was just for Jeremy. I have nothing left to add. I'm not even saying anything at this point. I'm on ski's looking down at a shark right now.

He remembers when rock was young. And he's a rocket man.

Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported earlier this week that Brett Favre called the Detroit Lions prior to their game against the Packers a couple weeks ago to share secrets about the Packers' offense. After that game (in which the Packers scored 300 points), players from Green Bay were pissed that Brett would do something like that. But then today during his weekly press conference, Brett denied the allegations that he ever called the Lions. He said that he did speak with Matt Millen, but it was Matt who called him. And they didn't discuss the Packers, they only talked about huntin'. And women. And huntin' and women. And killin' shit. And killin' women. And more huntin'. And gray beards.

Personally, I think this story is so played out.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.
Oh but he’s old and he’s wonderful.
Oh Bretty he’s really keen.
He’s got cowboy boots...and Wrangler jeans,
You know I read it in a magazee-HEEEN, oh oh.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.

They took er jobs

The Brewers essentially fired Dale Sveum.
The team said Friday that Dale Sveum is no longer under consideration to become manager. Sveum was promoted from his coaching position and served as interim manager after Ned Yost was fired with 12 games left in the regular season. The Brewers reached the postseason for the first time since 1982, but lost to Philadelphia in four games in the opening round of the playoffs.
I always think its unfair when the interim manager gets fired, but it seems especially unfair in this case. Here he was enjoying his job as an assistant coach when all of the suddedn the top guy got fired with only 12 games to go. So he got promoted to fill in for the last 2 weeks. Then the season ended, and now he's being fired completely. Isn't that unfair? Imagine a similar scenario at your job. Your boss gets fired, so the top executives ask you to fill in while they look for someone to fill the position. After they fill it, they fire you completely rather than letting you go back to your old job. Son of a.....

That sucks.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Jose Canseco: "My Bad"

Jose Canseco is saying that he regrets writing a book where he named names about who in MLB was using steroids. During the A&E Network program "Jose Canseco: The Last Shot," Canseco said he regrets mentioning players as steroid users and that he never realized it would blow up the way it did and hurt so many people. He said he wanted revenge on baseball because he believed he had been forced out of the game and the book was his means of getting even.

Hmm, that sucks that he feels bad. Maybe he can write a book about it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Also, Ben Gordon is better than Michael

One of the most mindless arguments I've ever found myself on the unpopular side of is my opinion that the Chicago Bears of today would kick the crap out of the Chicago Bears of 1985.

Yeah I have said those words out loud to Bears fans who were around in 1985 and remember that season vividly. And I was ridiculed for it. Perhaps justifiably.

In 1985, the Bears went 18-1 (including the playoffs and Super Bowl) and are generally regarded as one of the best football teams of all time. The Bears of today have lost 3 out of 7 games so far and have a defense that had no problem giving up 41 points on Sunday to a team that starts Gus Frerotte at QB.

So how could I possibly think that the Bears of today would beat the Bears of 1985? It's simple, really. And pretty mindless. But let me try.

Let's start with the defensive line. In 1985, they had a mixture of Steve McMichael, William Perry, and Dan Hampton on the inside with Richard Dent and I think Tyrone Keys on the outside. That's one hell of a defensive line. Today, they generally use 4 guys with Tommie Harris and Dusty Dvoracek on the inside and Alex Brown and Adawale Ogunleye on the ends. Not quite as good, right? But look at their sizes. In 1985, William Perry's listed weight was 315 pounds, which made him the only guy on the team to top 300. It even earned him the nickname "the refrigerator". Tommie Harris is currently listed at 305, but nobody is about to give him a nickname like that. And do you know why? It's because he is one of TWELVE guys on his team who weigh over 300 pounds. They're all bigger and faster now. Do you think those defensive linemen from 1985 could get pressure on Kyle Orton when they'd be going up against Roberto Garza at 6'2"/310, Josh Beekman at 6'2"/310, John St. Clair at 6'5"/315, John Tait at 6'6"/312, and Olin Kreutz at 6'2"/292? I really don't think so.

Let me do the same thing with the middle linebackers. In 1985, Mike Singletary played middle linebacker at 6'0", 230 pounds. Today, Brian Urlacher plays the same position at 6'4", 258 pounds. Oh, and he can also run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds*. Was there anybody in the league who was both Brian's size and who could run that kind of 40 yard dash back in 1985? No there wasn't.

My point is that at just about every position, athletes today are bigger, stronger, and faster. So while the 1985 Bears were miles ahead of their closest competition in 1985, they'd get pushed around pretty good in 2008.

Of course you could make the argument that if players back then were offered the same training programs from an early age that players get today, then this would be no contest. But isn't it fun to start a subjective argument that nobody can prove and one that gets people mad for no real reason? Yes. Yes it is.

I told you it was pretty mindless.

*EDIT: I should have put "he used to be able to run a 4.5 in the 40". It's clear that he's lost a step or nine this season. Poor Brian. It was fun while it lasted though.

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Excuse me, co-worker sitting on the other side of the wall......

All of us that sit within a 20 foot radius heard you during that 10 minute personal call that you just had with your spouse. You weren't quiet about it. In fact you were quite loud, almost as if you wanted all of your co-workers to know about your personal business. Well we didn't. And we certainly didn't need you to fill us in after you hung up. That was just awkward. For Everyone. Trust me. So can you do me a favor and click that arrow on the box above?