1 Happy St

Lou Piniella, after a brief 1-year hiatus as baseball manager, was given a 3 year, $10 million contract to manage the Chicago Cubs. “I’d love to give you the traditional spiel that we’re gonna turn this thing around and finally give Cubs fans something to cheer about,” said Piniella in his introductory press conference. “But let’s be honest. That ain’t gonna happen. This team sucks. They’ll always suck. And that’ll never change. But hey, I’m not turning down 10 million dollars.”

Upon hearing the news that Steve McNair would be available to play in their next game, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick said, “Damnit! Why doesn’t this guy just die already?”

Recently hired Cubs manager Lou Piniella was asked his feelings about his former colleague Steve Lyons being fired from Fox for making fun of Piniella’s Hispanic heritage. “I’m not offended at all,” said Piniella. “He was just kidding........Wait, I’m Hispanic? I always thought I was Italian. Interesting. Yeah, that is offensive.”

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez was asked if he would veto a trade to the Cubs, where he would join his old Mariners coach Lou Piniella. “No I wouldn’t,” said Rodriguez. “But I would veto a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie scares me and I’m a big p____.”

Matt Leinart finished with a decent performance in his Monday night debut for the Cardinals, but was in no mood to critique himself afterwards. “Go talk to our kicker if you want a good quote about performance,” said Leinart. “Then go ask Coach why he called all those pass plays in the 4th quarter. Then ask Edge why he couldn’t hold onto the ball when a running play was finally called. Then find our kicker again and ask him to go kill himself. Then go ask Pete Carroll if I have any eligibility left. Then ask Nick Lachey to have those women ready in my room when I get there.”