Monday, April 30, 2007

Tying [one on] the knot

Did you all read about this guy? Apparently he showed up piss drunk to his own wedding, so the bride-to-be's family chased him from the ceremony. But rather than canceling the day, the wedding proceeded with a different groom as Drunk Guy's lil' brother stepped up to the plate.

There's too many punchlines to use following this story, so I'll leave it up to you. Your choices are:

A. That's all he did? Isn't every groom drunk at his wedding?

B. Gives new meaning to the term 'Best Man'.

C. I'm not surprised, you don't wanna lose the deposit on the band.

Please feel free to come up with one of your own as the possibilities seem endless.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Basketball, what is it good for?

"It’s going to be quite a battle. I don’t want to compare what we’re doing to what’s going on over in Iraq, but…it should be quite the battle." – New Jersey Nets coach Lawrence Frank, talking about an upcoming playoff game between his team and the Toronto Raptors.

This is sad. He’s being interviewed and says the game is going to be a battle. Then an alarm goes off in his head that tells him that people may be upset with his comparison (which isn’t really a comparison at all) to war, so he prefaces his next statement to make sure that he’s covered. The saddest part about this is I don’t blame him. Remember a few years ago when Kevin Garnett did the same thing and he was blasted by all the sportswriters and television pundits for it? Granted Kevin went a little further and mentioned weaponry and tactics (which by the way was hilarious if you have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously), but I think it’s sad that Larry Frank found it necessary to preface his statement like that.

We know that a basketball game isn’t the same thing as driving around in a Humvee while getting shot at. We know that a basketball game isn’t the same thing as walking around in the hot desert surrounded by people who want to kill you. And yet, I’m sure that if Larry hadn’t covered himself the way that he did, people would be demanding an apology from him today. Quite sad.

Unrelated lighter note: the guy I work with who has all the Cosby sweaters switched things up today. He’s wearing a collared shirt, but it has a Cosby-sweater pattern. It’s terrific. I have to find out where he shops for these things.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Congratulations Sammy

By hitting a home run earlier today at Jacobs Field in Cleveland, you have now hit a home run in 44 different Major League parks, breaking the record you shared with Ken Griffey Jr. and Fred McGriff. Based on that picture up there, who would have ever thought you were capable of something like this. Solid job my friend, solid job.

Geico, unicorns, and other Randoms

- If you really think about it, the person who created the unicorn wasn’t very creative. It’s a friggin horse with a horn. If I would have done the same thing to a cow, they would have put me in the slow class.

- I think deep-dish pizza sucks. Is this kind of like a guy from Detroit hating Chevy?

- Whenever I get nervous that the Bulls are about to give up their lead against the Heat, Pat Riley puts Antoine Walker back in the game and I feel better again.

- Do you think the guy who originally came up with the 'why don’t they make the entire plane out of that stuff' joke is pissed that people keep using it or do you think he’s flattered?

- A necktie serves no purpose whatsoever.

- Do real bombs have digital timers on them like in the movies that count down until it explodes? It seems to me that this is a feature that kind of hurts the cause.

- Then again, what if it had a timer but it was off by a couple minutes. Imagine the bomb-squad’s surprise if they still thought they had some time. "Hurry up Dave, we only have two more"……[ka-boom!]

- Wouldn’t a commercial of the Geico caveman starting a campfire and roasting the Aflac duck be a no-brainer? Or is that too graphic?

- Why do they put 'fun size' on the wrapper of a mini-Snickers bar? The truly fun size is the giant one the size of my hand, not the little one the size of my pinky.

- It was impossible to write that last one without it sounding dirty. Believe me I tried.

- When I got home yesterday, Jill was watching a show on MTV called "Engaged and Underage". After two minutes of watching with her, I asked if we really had to continue watching this crap. After ten minutes, I yelled at her when she tried turning the channel. This show is such a trainwreck, but in a fabulous way. Check it out if you haven’t yet.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

They all say hail cuz he keeps himself so clean *

This makes me long for the good old days.... you know... when Presidents had polio and stuff.

*20 bonus points to the first commenter to tell me what the title of this post is in reference to. Brian is disqualified, of course.

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Good riddance Dodge Magnum, I'm better off without you

My warranty just ran out on my Magnum and it started making weird engine noises, as if to tell me to prepare to start missing a lot of work and shelling out thousands of dollars on her. So last week I told her "you better quit playing, I'll just get rid of you." She calmed down for a couple days, but then she started chirping again with this engine knock, so over the weekend we got into a big argument. I said "hey, I thought I told you to shut the hell up" and she was all "you don't care about me so why should I care about you" and I was all "that's not true, maybe I haven't shown it lately because the weather's been bad, but I care about you" and she was all "maybe we should take a break". That angered me something fierce, so I said "screw that, how bout we just break up". So on Monday, we broke up officially.

I guess I was a little bit sad about it yesterday, but then I saw the weather forecast for the weekend and realized my rebound 4-door Jeep Wrangler is gonna look great with her top off.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

An obligatory Sopranos mention

Now that we are three episodes into the final season of The Soprano’s, I thought I’d share a few of my thoughts on what I think is happening. Of course I have no insider information, no access to the inner-workings of this particular show, but I do like making outlandish predictions. That way if they turn out right, I can brag afterwards that I saw it coming. And if I get them wrong, you can bet there’s no way I’ll mention this ever again. So here goes:

1. I think the FBI has gotten to Paulie. If you noticed, he was going out of his way to reminisce about their past. Tony made it seem like reminiscing is something that Paulie does all the time, like a character flaw almost. I had never noticed it before, but Paulie got Tony to talk out loud about some of the crimes they’ve committed in the past, so my feeling here is that Paulie was wired the whole time. Hmmmm. I hope not. I like Paulie.

2. This one is kind of obvious, but I think Bobby Bacala is about to be arrested for killing that guy at the laundromat.

3. Not so obvious is the fallout from that arrest. You think Janice will take it lightly that her husband is in prison and no longer earning? Who do you think she will take it out on? My guess is either Carmela, with whom she fought with by the lake in the season premier, or Tony, with whom she has had a dysfunctional relationship with since they were kids. Could Janice actually kill her brother? I think so.

Things I’m still working on figuring out: Christopher and his movie. Tony seems genuinely disinterested with it, so I’m not sure how this will play out. I never really liked Christopher anyway, so if he leaves NJ for Hollywood, I’d have no problem with that. My guess is it’s about to blow up in his face though. Christopher’s always been kind of an idiot. Also, I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Uncle Junior. He just got his arse kicked by that crazy guy we just met, so I guess there’s two possible scenarios. Either he retaliates and starts having people killed, or he cowers in his room for a couple episodes and dies. If I had to wager a guess, I’d go with the first option. Stay tuned.

Scantron, Menudo, and other Randoms

Even when people say 'no pun intended', I still get the feeling that they intended it.

Was Menudo the Puerto Rican New Kids, or were the New Kids the American Menudo?

Next time I buy a new car and the dealer offers me $3000 cash back, I’m going to take out a loan for the full amount and then demand they give me a stack of $20’s just to see what they say.

Can we go back to the days when fund raising was limited to chocolate bars or cookies, or is that gone forever?

I’m not really sure the meaning behind this, but I like its spirit.

You can try telling me that J.K. Rowling didn’t laugh when she named him Harry Potter, but I still won’t believe it.

I never realized how many calories flavor had. Stupid flavor.

Do you think the guy who invented Scantron was related to the #2 pencil guy? If so, I bet they’re both having a good laugh over this.

Come to think of it, why did they even sell #1’s?

How do we know that plastic bags take a thousand years to decompose? Are we monitoring a bunch of Leif Ericson’s old groceries?

Okay that was lame. I should have left it alone after the pencils.

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Help us answer your FAQs

Why is this blog called 1 Happy St?
What's the difference between a random and a bloglet?
Who is Vincent Antonelli and why is he the Patron Saint of 1 Happy St?

Answers to these questions and more are coming soon to our Frequently Asked Questions page. If you have a burning question about anything pertaining to 1 Happy St, send us an email or drop us a blog comment. We love hearing from our readers.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Quick dialogue from one of my co-workers

This is an actual phrase overheard from one of my co-workers while he was talking to someone on the phone:

"I don't wanna let this fall by the waist-line."

Well no, we can't have that. Especially after that McDonald's Big Breakfast from earlier this morning.

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Conference calls, chapstick and capri pants

It's a good thing they invented the push button phone key pad before they invented cell phones. Texting on rotary would be a bitch!

Do you ever wonder how people first discovered that cow milk was safe for human consumption? One guy had to look at a cow's udders and think, "Let's pull on 'em and see what comes out!" And then his buddy said, "Yeah, and then let's drink it!"

It's impossible to look tough while putting on chapstick.

Sight seen at yesterday's White Sox vs. Tigers game: Man in a skin tight leopard print shirt and capri pants with a flourescent yellow belt trying to start the wave. Congratulations, Slugger. You're the Mike's Hard Lemonade Gay of the Game!

I love the multi-person conference call on speaker phone at full volume in an open cubicle so everyone in at 40 foot radius has to hear the whole thing. Classic move, cube neighbor. Well played.

Terrific weekend for Mike

The weather over the weekend was outstanding, which meant all my neighbors were outside doing work around their houses, including Old Guy, who on Saturday managed to start his happy hour at 8:30 in the morning. God Bless him. He called me over to join him for a quick alcoholic celebration of this glorious weather before we started our day. What kind of person would Michael be (and yes, he managed to call me Michael a couple times) to turn down a cup of coffee, er, a can of beer with an old man on a Saturday morning? So of course I accepted his invite.

As we sat there in his front yard, we discussed everything from Mark Buehrle's no-hitter earlier in the week to what the neighborhood looked like when he first moved into his house back in 1957. It was a terrific conversation. But then this happened:

"So how's Gail?" he asked.

"Who?" I replied, already cracking a smile in anticipation of where this conversation was headed.

"Gail," he said again. "How's she doing?"

"Oh, you mean Jill." I said, barely able to contain myself.

"Her name is Jill?" he asked. "I'm sorry, I thought it was Gail. I hope I've never called her that."

"I'm sure you're fine," I said. "She's never mentioned it to me."

Isn't he the best? I'd like the record to show that I have corrected him, so if he gets it wrong next time, it's on him.

Friday, April 20, 2007

April randoms do too

- There’s three kinds of people in this world: those who are going to celebrate tonight because today is 4/20, those who know why 4/20 is worth celebrating but don’t care, and those who have no idea what I’m talking about. Which category do you fall in?

- By the way, if you’re in category 3, try to find someone in category 1 and buy them a bag of Cheetos. Trust me, they’ll love you for it.

- Will there ever be a time when I can hear the term ‘manhole cover’ and not smile like an 8th grader? And yes, the number 69 still has the same effect as well.

- Why does pizza taste better at the ballpark? If I was eating that same pizza at home, I’d probably hate it. But for some reason, at the ballpark it tastes great.

- How did that Chinese diplomat know the exact moment that Jack had successfully stopped the terrorists? Was that just a lucky guess? And has Jack pee'd yet today?

- Is it too much to ask that Apple’s next version of iPod has the ability to come in clearly on my car radio? I hate having to hold it up over my head as I drive.

- Convertible owners, I’ll settle this for you once and for all. If it’s colder than 64, the top stays up. If it’s warmer, the top can come down. If it’s exactly 64, the call is yours.

- Never quote the movie "Borat" while at work, not even if it’s a simple quote by accident like "it’s-a-nice". Apparently, this is an invitation for an annoying co-worker to visit you at your desk and share their favorite parts of the movie with you. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this.

- If you’re not sure which co-worker would visit you at your desk and start quoting "Borat", look around your office for the guy who still thinks Chuck Norris Facts are funny. Pretty good odds that he’s your guy.

- I think sports teams should stop shooting those free T-Shirts into the stands during breaks in play because somebody is going to get hurt. On Tuesday, I went to the White Sox game and I almost killed this little kid who was standing in my way. Honestly, we can’t have that.

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Also available in "Hetero"

It's been a while since I've shamelessly plugged our 1 Happy St. gear so I thought I'd show you how cool you could look wearing some.

This is Doug. Doug enjoys racket sports, deep sea diving and parallel parking. He's sporting an authentic 1 Happy St. black and white ringer tee. This fashionable top just screams "Hey look, it's laundry day!" Thanks, Doug.

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April bloglets bring May showers

The phrase "Organ grinder" makes me uncomfortable.

I like to go to the grocery store at around 7:00 in the morning and look for the mom wearing her bathrobe and shopping for poster boards and glue sticks for the project that their kid put off until the last minute. Your chances of seeing her increase at least 50% if it's the first day back to school after spring break.

I was born in February and I was always kind of pissed off that we got screwed out of at least 2 days. February is like January: The Sequel. Sequels suck. What did February ever do to piss off the rest of the months? Why can't we rotate which month gets shafted out of 2 days every year. Let's stick it to August for once! Frigging August!

I think people are making too big a deal out of the story of Alec Baldwin berating his 11 year old daughter. So he called her a "thoughtless little pig." Who are we to judge? Maybe that was his pet name for her, like "how's Daddy's thoughtless little pig?" or "Did my thoughtless little pig have a good day at school today?" or "Don't you realize that Running With Scissors' Total U.S. gross was $6.8 million, you thoughtless little pig?" Ok, maybe not.

Speaking of pigs, there was a new package of Hostess Donettes on my desk this morning. The package says there are 7 servings in the package. I don't know where they get that number because it only took me one serving to finish them.

As irony would have it, right after I typed that last one, I got an Outlook reminder to make a dentist appointment.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It takes a lot of gall to suggest something like this

I wasn't sure how to post this because of the sensitive nature of the story. But one paragraph in particular caught my attention (emphasis mine).

Doctors in New York have removed a woman’s gallbladder with instruments passed through her vagina, a technique they hope will cause less pain and scarring than the usual operation, and allow a quicker recovery. The technique can eliminate the need to cut through abdominal muscles, a major source of pain after surgery.

The operation was experimental, part of a study that is being done to find out whether people will fare better if abdominal surgery is performed through natural openings in the body rather than cuts in the belly. The surgery still requires cutting, through the wall of the vagina, stomach or colon, but doctors say it should hurt less because those tissues are far less sensitive than the abdominal muscles.

Interest in this idea heightened after doctors from India made a video in 2004 showing an appendix being taken out through a patient’s mouth. The patient had abdominal scars that would have made conventional surgery difficult.

The New York patient, 66, had her gallbladder removed on March 21 and is recovering well, said her surgeon, Dr. Marc Bessler, the director of laparoscopic surgery at Columbia University Medical Center. Dr. Bessler said he thought it was the first time the operation had been performed in the United States, and he plans to show a video of the operation at a gastroenterology meeting in Las Vegas on Sunday.

“Going through a natural orifice, the mouth or rectum or vagina, to get into the abdomen and do an operation, is being excitedly worked on by a whole lot of people,” Dr. Bessler said, adding that companies were beginning to make special surgical tools for the operations and that doctors had formed an organization called Noscar (, which stands for Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research. ...more.

Oh, I'm quite sure that LOTS of people are excidedly working on that, and I especially like that he's taking a video of his findings to a meeting in Las Vegas. Big shock there!

I'm sure his colleagues are letting Dr. Bessler know of lots of other websites where he can find those "tools" as well.

Big day for me

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'll let you in on a little something about myself that you probably could have gathered by now just by reading some of the nonsense I put up here; I am insane. Not in a 'I have an ax in my garage that could implicate me in crimes' kind of way, but more in an obsessive compulsive 'fear of inconsistencies or changes' kind of way. That is why today is a huge day for me.

I just threw away my check book's transaction register.

For the past 10 years, I have obsessively kept track of every transaction I have ever made by check or debit card. As soon as a purchase or credit is made from my account, I feverishly race to my transaction register to mark it down. In fact, if you asked me how much I paid for that pair of black shoes I used to have back in the late 90's, not only could I tell you within 5 minutes or so, but I could produce the receipt for the damn things in just as little time. Then I would ask you how it's possible that you remember my black shoes from the late 90's. That's just weird.

But anyway, I figure that it's no longer necessary to keep track of these things the way I used to being that I've fully taken advantage of on-line banking and all. Plus I hate having physical proof of how insane I am. So today it stops.

Hopefully I make it through the day. I can tell you that I've peeked in the garbage can twice already and the transaction register continues to beg me to take it out of there and put it back where it belongs. I will stand strong, I promise. Although I may have to move it to a garbage can that's nowhere near me.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

An elephant story

Found this story at the Hopeless Cynic blog. Quite brilliant.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did this several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly, the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs, and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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I think we're finally getting to the bottom of this

Once, in [High School] English class, the teacher had the students read aloud, and when it was Cho [Seung-Hui's] turn, he just looked down in silence, [former classmate Chris] Davids recalled. Finally, after the teacher threatened him with an F for participation, Cho started to read in a strange, deep voice that sounded "like he had something in his mouth," Davids said. "As soon as he started reading, the whole class started laughing and pointing and saying, 'Go back to China,'" Davids said.

To be fair, I was once told to go back to Canada, but I just laughed it off because I didn't know what they were talking aboot.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's 9 years away, but I'm starting to get Olympic fever

Winning the Award for "Implied negative generalization of a foreign city in an effort to lessen their chances of hosting the Olympics over a storied American city like Chicago when said negative generalization of said foreign city really has nothing to do with the Olympics whatsoever" is this story from the Associated Press.

Nice job AP, real nice job. Keep up the good work and I'll see you local in 2016.

We're all doomed: Father of the Year Edition

Meet Ricky Lackey. Recently convicted of defrauding U.S. Bank out of $3,975 by depositing empty envelopes into ATM machines, claiming they contained cash, and depositing bad checks before withdrawing cash on the falsely inflated balances, Lackey was asked at his sentencing how many children he had.

"None," Ricky replied. "But I have six on the way."

Confused by his answer, Judge Melba Marsh asked for clarification. "Are you marrying a woman with six children?" she asked.

And his reply is the best part. "I be concubining!" replied Lackey.

(pause for effect)

I be concubining. Breathe that in. Try saying it out loud. I be concubining.

Simply remarkable.

This has been the "We're all doomed!" for Wednesday, April 18th, 2007.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

What is the 'mean'ing of this?

Rather than confusing me as to the difference between the median and the mean, why don’t we get rid of the mean and simply call it the average? Everyone knows what average means, but nobody ever remembers what mean means. Wait, we never remember what mean means? That’s kinda funny. Either way, mean is just confusing, so let's get rid of it. Come to think of it, I see no reason why we have the median either. What purpose does it serve? If I have an odd sequence of numbers, the median is the middle one. If I have an even sequence of numbers, the median is the mean, er I mean the average of the middle two. Seriously, what the hell for? I say we get rid of the mean AND the median, then get rid of X so we can all live happier. Or at least I can, and that’s really all that counts. Know what I mean?

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The Landlord

Comic genius comes in all sizes.

Monday, April 16, 2007

rosie i hate too tell u this but u may b dislexik

Whenever I have any doubts about the quality of work we put out here at 1 Happy St., I need only remember that at least we are not Rosie O'Donnell. Brian and I are William Effing Shakespeare compared to the drivel being written over on If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it.

Take for instance, Rosie's most recent diatribe against... umm... Truth be told, I really have no idea what the hell she's talking about. There is no punctuation, no capitalization, and as far as I can tell, no coherent thoughts. It's the kind of thing I would write if I wanted to intentionally fail a poetry class.

Either Rosie has the writing ability of a kindergartener or her fat fingers are too big to work the keyboard on her Blackberry.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Don't be an idiot, Kirby!

Surely this web page is no match for the intellect of the 1 Happy St. readers.

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Friday, April 13, 2007

Don Imus, sex videos, and other Randoms

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I bet he gets in trouble for that.

- I went to elementary school with a kid whose last name was Semen. Even back then, we made constant fun of him and we probably didn’t even know what semen was. I can only imagine what H.S. was like for that poor guy.

- Now that Imus has been fired, I can’t wait for the next yokel to say something similar so we can repeat the process. Lather, rinse, repeat.

- I took the stairs to my desk yesterday (I work on the 6th floor) instead of the elevator, and my legs are sore today. Not a good sign.

- If you’re looking for perhaps the greatest website of all time, click here. I should rephrase. It starts out as the greatest website of all time, but after about 5 to 90 minutes, you may want to kill someone. Or yourself. Or someone and then yourself. Careful, it has sound. And enjoy.

- For the record, we switched coffee’s. You would have too. They cost $1.50 each and the store is 6 floors away.

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I bet he gets in trouble for that.

- I read that Gina Glocksen’s return trip home to Illinois will be short-lived as she plans on becoming a permanent West Coaster. Oh no poor Joe, he has no girlfriend. In fairness, I really do feel bad for him. He tried his best.

- Should it be legal to punch the guy at work who decides he’s going to eat an apple at his desk?

- There are two types of people in this world. Those who hear about a sex video involving a principal and a teacher on school grounds and their first reaction is outrage, and those who hear about a sex video involving a principal and a teacher on school grounds and their first reaction is where they can get their hands on the video.

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I really don’t see a problem with it. I think he’ll be fine.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I object. But sir, it's your witness.

Now that the three Lacrosse players from Duke have been cleared of any wrong-doing and it's pretty clear that the North Carolina prosecutor Mike Nifong brought up the charges against them without having any evidence to support the charges, attention is sure to turn now towards whether or not the players file a lawsuit against him. So far, attorneys for the three players have not said whether or not they're planning civil action, but they have also not yet ruled it out. They’re probably reviewing whether or not a case like that is even winnable since district attorney’s have certain immunities that protect them from being sued every time a defendant is found not guilty. And that makes sense. We can’t have that. But from everything I've heard on the subject, the protection of immunity for prosecutors is pretty broad unless it's ruled that they had malicious intent or that it was something close to that. I guess it's very difficult to prove intent, so it's a difficult case to win.

Question though. The justice system has been around for hundreds of years now, and I’m sure there’s been countless modifications to different rules and laws due to situations that have come up in which caveats and special circumstances surrounding those laws were overlooked. So how in the hell has something so important (or so it would seem important) as immunity for a district attorney manage to be one of those circumstances? Is this particular situation really that unprecedented? You’d think over the course of hundreds of years, there would have been more than one overzealous D.A. trying to make a name for himself by bringing up ridiculous charges.

Okay I’m done now. But please come back later to see if I’m discussing something else way over my head.

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Happy St. Etiquette - Holding the Door

Following up on Brian's coffee cup dilemma yesterday, I just had an encounter that I'm also looking for advice on.

It seems that whenever I walk through a door and someone is behind me, they are just the wrong distance back so that if I hold the door for them, I have to stand there waiting for them to catch up and then they do that uncomfortable jog up to the door because then they feel bad that you held the door for them and they would have just preferred you hadn't because now they're running and they really weren't in that big of a hurry to begin with. But then if I decide to ignore them and not hold the door, I run the risk of them thinking, "What the hell, man? Just slam the door in my face, why don't you?!"

So the question is, what is the distance where you absolutely have to hold the door for the person behind you without look like a total tool or a total jerk?

And what did they do in Star Trek with those doors that swoosh open and closed? Did you ever just stand there in the doorway with the door swooshed open while you waited for your Vulcan friend to catch up when really all he's thinking is, "The logical thing to do would be to just walk through the room portal and just let me worry about swooshing the door myself. What, just because I've got pointy ears, I can't swoosh my own damn door? Condescending human prick!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Good news, I've cut back on the fondling

For the second consecutive year, the number of clergy sex abuse claims received by the nation's Roman Catholic bishops and religious orders has dropped, according to a new report on the church's child protection reforms. In fact, the headline of the article comes right out and says it: "Catholic abuse claims drop for 2nd year".

It drops. It hasn't stopped completely. But it's dropped.

Seriously, is this worthy of a celebration? Should I be encouraged by this? I'm confused.

What would YOU do?

This morning I got coffee for a co-worker of mine (Alex) and myself. Alex takes his with cream and sugar, I take mine with just cream. I made it a point to partially open the lid of mine just a little bit so that I could differentiate between the two as I made my way back to our desks. After all, he hates coffee without sugar and I hate coffee with it.

So I handed Alex his coffee, he took a sip, and said "no sugar huh?"

"It doesn't have it?" I asked. "That's not good. Let me try mine."

Uh oh. Mine has sugar. How the hell did that happen? I must have partially opened the lid on his by mistake.

"What do we do?" I asked. "Do we switch back?"

"I don't know," said Alex.

Tell me, what would YOU do? Can coffee be switched back? Can I get a ruling on this?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Joe Morgan is back!!!!!!

Some people enjoy Opening Day because it means summer is right around the corner. Others enjoy it because they just miss baseball. Me? I enjoy it because it means Joe Morgan will be back with his weekly chats on again. Today he was as good as ever. It felt like he was never gone. I know I've written ad nauseum that his chats are the "best" because he rarely answers the questions and there's only 2 or 3 teams that he actually watches. But today he took it to another level. Enjoy:
Dave (Chicago): True or false: Cuban + Cubs = end of championship drought

Joe Morgan: I don't know if baseball wants someone like Mark Cuban, someone who's sort of a rebel. I don't know if the owners would accept someone like him. But the players love him.

Brian: But would he end the Championship drought? Eh, I guess that's a question for a different day.
Bradford, Memphis: Hey Joe. Since A-rod is lighting up the homerun board, how do you think he will fare later on in the season with his early season stats?

Brian: Surely you can answer this question Joe. It's simple. You can say something like 'I think he will do fine later in the year; he's an excellent player'.

Joe Morgan: Pitching is the key. You can only outscore the average teams. But the Yankees need him in order to have a good year.

Brian: Or you can go that route and ignore poor Bradford altogether.
Josh (Sheboygan, WI): Hey Joe, how many people will be at the 3 Cleveland games in Milwaukee?

Joe Morgan: To be honest with you, I haven't thought much about it.

Brian: That figures.
John, New York, NY: Good morning, Joe. Who are you surprised about the most after the first week? It can be an individual player or an entire team. And do you think we saw the real Carl Pavano last night in Minnesota?

Brian: Please be careful here Joe, this is a two-part question and I know you normally have trouble with those.

Joe Morgan: Probably Milwaukee. I thought they would get off to a good start. If you're going to pick a dark horse, it's them.

Brian: You weren't careful.
Rick H. (Selah, Wa.): Do you think King Felix has a shot at the AL Cy Young this season? Or, will it be another year or two?

Brian: Joe, I was hoping you'd completely ignore Rick's question and go off in an entirely different direction, almost like you didn't even read it before you start typing. Can you do that for me?

Joe Morgan: Dwight Gooden is the best young pitcher I've ever seen. He was better than all of them at a young age.

Brian: I was only kidding.
Steve Chicago: With Lidge being removed as closer, do you think the Astros trade him, keep him in a setup role, or does he earn his spot as closer with the Astros?

Brian: C'mon Joe, this is like a 2-foot putt. Steve in Chicago has pretty much done your job for you by giving you just about every possible option the Astros have with Lidge. All you have to do is pick one. Can you do that? Please. Just answer 1 question for us. I beg of you.

Joe Morgan: It's difficult because he's tried to get back on track ever since Pujols hit that home run in the playoffs.

Brian: Is it wrong of me to be mad that he gets paid for this?

I want my 2 [thousand] dollars

On April 5, Chicagoan Jenny Huynh forced her sister-in-law Kein Tran to open a safe in her home and stole at least $2,000 from her. Afterwards, Huynh allegedly stabbed Tran to death, and then went gambling.

Money quote within the article:
"I know she has a gambling problem, but this really surprises me," said Michelle Duong, manager of Nails Now in Mundelein, who fired [Huynh] last week for doing a poor job as a nail technician.

Future quote that I hope to see:
"I was broke and I needed to go to the boat," said Huynh. "I'm not going to apologize for that. Although I do admit the killing part was totally my bad."

I heart Google

1. Go to
2. Click on "Maps"
3. Click on "Get directions"
4. From: New York, New York - To: Paris, France.
5. Read line #23

You people!

I absolutely love.... LOVE!!! that while trying to apologize for calling the Rutger's women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hos", radio personality Don Imus actually used the phrase "you people" in his interview with Al Sharpton. Stories like that scratch me where I itch. That has to be one of the worst apologies for racism ever, but at least he didn't bring a bucket of KFC as a peace offering.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Brian and HBO, back together again

Last night, HBO decided that they finally wanted to put some quality Sunday night programming on the air again. They must have figured that they had given their customers the old screwgie long enough and it was time to put something on that was actually good. In case you missed it, last night was the season premieres of both "The Sopranos" and "Entourage" back to back. Well it wasn’t so much a season premiere with "Entourage" since they’re calling this the 2nd half of Season 3, but it was a new episode after a long layoff nonetheless.


"The Sopranos" started off with a seemingly meaningless weapons arrest of Tony at his home in New Jersey. The local D.A. quickly dropped the charge, and my first thought was that it seemed pretty pointless to arrest him in the first place for something so trivial and small. But then we learned that the charge was dropped locally so that the federal government could pursue it further. Interesting. I was reminded of how Al Capone was finally incarcerated 80 years ago; not for something major like murder, but for tax evasion. Could it be that Tony’s eventual demise this season is for something trivial as well? I guess we’ll see. The episode also focused on a quick weekend vacation for Tony and Carmela at Bobby and Janice’s lake house, Bobby inexplicably beating the crap out of Tony in an escalated Monopoly fight (who hasn’t been there before?), and Bobby killing someone for the first time, leaving behind a boatload of evidence in the process. My final grade – B+. Not great, but not bad. Then again, the first episode is always the slowest, so this bodes well for the rest of the season/series.

Immediately following "The Sopranos" was a new episode of "Entourage". The Producers are calling this episode 13 of season 3 even though episode 12 aired all the way back in August of 2006 (again, the HBO screwgie). If you remember, episode 12 ended with Vince firing Ari, and we’ve been left hanging ever since. On Sunday night, we jumped forward a little bit. Details as to how Vince found a new agent (who turned out to be that girl from "Son-In-Law" by the way) were skipped over and instead focused on Vince’s relationship with his new agent, as well as his new relationship with Ari as a friend and not a business partner. I give the girl from Son-In-Law at most five episodes before she’s brushed aside and never heard from again. It’s unfortunate really, since she still looks as good as she did back then. The episode also focused on Vince’s birthday party (kind of), but that was more of a back-drop to allow Ari and his new agent to come face-to-face in a non-frontation (I’m making up words now), all but assuring the audience that there’s no way Ari is gone for good. It’s tough to grade an episode like this since nothing really happened. But since nothing happened, I’ll give it a generic C and wait impatiently for next week.

Update emails from "Our Joe"

I'm not sure which will happen first: Joe will stop sending these things or Gina will break up with him. My guess is they'll happen simultaneously.

Hello again fellow Glockstars!

I need you to save the date this coming Wednesday (April 11th). American Idol is going to be following Gina home to tape more on our favorite Idol. The city of Naperville is putting together a big HOMECOMING event for Gina to honor her accomplishments. I don't have the exact details yet other than that it will be this Wednesday. We'd like you ALL to come out and help celebrate. It will probably take place either in Downtown Naperville or at Neuqua Valley High School. I will have more details by Monday and I'll let you all know. Please do your best to be there.
Then there was this one...
Gina will be on a couple of popular daytime shows this Monday. Tune into the Ellen Show, Regis & Kelly, and the Daytime Show to catch our Gina do interviews and SING! There are also plans in the works to have a Welcome home party for all friends and family in the near future, so stay tuned. I'll keep you posted with all the exciting things going on with Gina.
Thanks! Love, Joe

Oh no poor Joe. I'll admit, I'm beginning to like him.

Friday, April 06, 2007

People I can do without

That Guy that says ‘who do I look like, John Rockefeller?’ when you ask to borrow a quarter or something. The ‘what do I look like, a bank?’ guy should probably go too, so perhaps we should just retire the whole analogy and simply hand over the quarter.

That Girl who says she gets along better with guys. Yeah, you know why? Because other women hate you. And you know why they hate you? Because you’re a flirt who hits on their boyfriend.

That Guy who pees on the seat. C’Mon man, lift it or aim straight.

That Guy who takes a smoke break during the movie, then comes back to his seat wreaking like an ashtray. You couldn’t wait 2 hours?

The one-upper. You never had a car that went that fast, and you never dated that celebrity. Get over yourself.

People who say 'exclamation mark'. Although if they said 'question point', I would totally let that slide because that would just be funny.

That Girl who shows her thong. Either pull your pants all the way down, or pull them all the way up. Don’t give me none of this halfway crap.

That Guy who talks about the gym. I get it, you’re working on your pecs. I don’t care. Push on.

That Guy who doesn’t turn down his radio when he pulls into the driveway. I’m all for jamming during the drive, but once you’ve reached your destination, turn it down. Your music sucks anyway.

Bar owners who charge cover when there’s no band playing. You’re already charging $8 a beer, now you’re gonna charge me $20 just to get in?

Joe Morgan

That Guy or Girl who puts the top down on their convertible, but the windows are up. Are you kidding me? That’s a joke, right? Please tell me somebody paid you to do that.

People who leave their food in the refrigerator at work for weeks. Heaven forbid I can find a place for my lunch that I brought in TODAY, instead I have to stack it on top of somebody’s month-old meatloaf.

That Guy who blogs his random thoughts and complaints. Nobody cares Man, nobody cares.

Good-bye, Friday

If you're supposed to be working right now instead of surfing the web, do not, under any circumstances, no matter how tempted you may be, regardless of how strong you believe your willpower to be... I repeat, do not click here.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

A tearful goodbye from our Joe

I was hoping we'd get one final email from Joe, and he did not disappoint. So without further adieux (what does that even mean, further adieux? Nevermind, back to the point), here is Joe's curtain call. If you missed his 1st and 2nd installments, click here for #1 and here for #2. And as always, enjoy.

Glockstars, G-Force, Rock the Glock-ers, Friends and Family,

How's everyone doing? I guess I knew I would have to write this e-mail eventually, but I really thought it would be a little later than today. I won't lie, it still stings a bit that our Gina got robbed last night, but we have to do our best to stay positive. We all know that she should not have gone home this early. We all know there are people still on the show less deserving than her. But we also know without a doubt that this is not the end of the road, rather just the beginning. Can you say Chris Daughtry? Every season has a couple of shockers, and this one has had more than usual, but it is reassuring to hear the public outcry for our Gina. You don't have to look or listen very hard to know that almost everybody that watches this show knows she should have stayed. Even people who were admittedly non-Gina fans have come out to show their disbelief. So although it will sting for a couple days, it will pass.

Just remember all that she has accomplished. A tour, an album, songs to download, the COVER OF PEOPLE! She made her mark and it will not be forgotten. We all know that this is just the start for our Glockstar! Keep your chins up, because you know our Gina has her chin up. How classy was her exit song? Have you ever seen anyone draw such true emotion from the fans, the contestants, and even from Ryan!?!?

I would like to thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your love and support. For the endless redialing and texting. For putting up with all of my annoying e-mails. In these past two months, Gina Glocksen has become a household name. She has gained WORLD-WIDE recognition and adoration. She has seen her dream become a reality, and that would not have been possible without YOU. From the very beginning I have been amazed by all of the support and energy you have shown for our Gina.

I need to ask you for one last favor. . . Do not let this fire burn out. It will take some time for things to start happening for our Gina. The tour will be great but there is much more to come after that. Don't forget about our Gina. Let the world know how much you love her. Go to and post your love for her. Show your support and let the world know that WE WANT MORE! Go to her fan sites like ROCKTHEGLOCK.COM. Her myspace page should be back up and running soon as well. Keep spreading the love for our Gina. We won't get to see her beautiful face on TV for a couple weeks, but we can't allow her momentum to slow.

With all that being said, Let me be the first to welcome our American Idol home for a much deserved break. Get your rest sweetie, because you have a long and exciting road ahead of you starting in June.

Thank you everyone. We love you so much for all of your support.
The G-Force will always be with you,
Love, -Joe (Gina's #1 fan)

And with that, Joe's cajones have officially been snipped.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Just Say Yes

On Tuesday it was reported here by Derek Zumsteg, author of a book titled "The Cheater's Guide to Baseball", that Los Angeles Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez is doctoring the ball before he throws it. He goes into pretty good detail (with pictures) of what he perceives to be blatant cheating, since MLB rules make it pretty clear that it's illegal for a pitcher to put a substance of any kind on the ball.

Normally, I couldn't care less about something like this. I'm the kind of person who likes cheating in baseball. I'm rooting for Barry Bonds to break Hank Aaron's HR record just so it gives the people who care (again, not me) something to cry about and me something to laugh about. But seeing as though there is now an entire book on the subject, there's no denying that it remains a hot topic for people. And I don't ignore hot topics. So my 2 cents:

I think MLB should simply remove all the 'no cheating' rules and allow these guys to do whatever they want. If they want to bulk up to 300 lbs of muscle using illegal performance enhancing drugs, so be it. If they want to dip the baseball in a jar of vaseline before they throw it, I say go right ahead. At least then every team would finally be on a level playing field. I think our biggest problem to date hasn't been with the players who continue to break the rules, but rather our inability to think outside the box for a viable solution. The powers that be will never be able to prevent cheating altogether, so they should embrace it!

[this message does not necessarily reflect the opinion of 1happyst, but only that of Brian, who with this post has officially killed any chances of ever being offered the job of Commissioner of MLB]

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Keith Richards, Arby's, and other Randoms

- If you really think about it, the letter "X" doesn’t really need to ecksist. I say we find a new place for helicopters to land, give Malcolm a different last name, call it a ‘zylophone’, and get rid of it altogether.

- Come to think of it, what’s with this ‘ph’ sounding like an ‘f’? I understand the rule, but has anyone ever asked why? It makes no phreakin' sense.

- What was the best invention before sliced bread came along?

- Keith Richards is reporting today that the story about him snorting his dad was just a joke. I don’t get it though. It must be more ironic funny than Ha Ha funny.

- Why do we go to all the trouble of washing our vegetables before eating them, but we don’t find it necessary to clean the top of our Coke can before popping it open?

- I think salt should be blue so that I can see how much I’ve added (courtesy of Jill).

- Is it possible to eat at Arby’s and not feel like a big loser?

- Wouldn’t it be funny if a rich White Socks fan bought the Cubs and then traded all their good players to the South Side?

- A clever Cubs fan could then ask the question, isn’t "rich White Socks fan" an ocksymoron?

- A clever White Socks fan could then ask the question, isn’t "good Cubs players" an ocksymoron?

- I’m glad baseball is back.

1happyst’s 1st (and hopefully last) cheesy MasterCard parody

Goofy haircut - $8

Ridiculous white suit - $29

Not realizing that Simon was being sarcastic when he complimented your singing - Priceless


It will be interesting to see how the mere mention of SANJAYA affects our total page hits today.

I haven't been following American Idol all that closely but I do know that the Sanjaya craze is sweeping the nation. From what I've seen of Sanjaya, Sanjaya seems to be pretty average. I don't see Sanjaya winning no matter how much hype the media gives to Sanjaya but I do find it fascinating that people actually are trying to argue that Sanjaya is a good singer and they're not just pulling for Sanjaya because America loves an underdog. I could be wrong. Maybe Sanjaya could actually win. I mean, didn't Josh Blue win the last season of Last Comic Standing? If only Sanjaya were disabled too, he'd be a shoo-in!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

See me go where the goin been Man

Every once in a while, I'll read about something that will completely blow me away in its craziness. Whether it's a story about the girl from E. Michigan U. visiting the frat house or the group of people demanding that the magician return the fairy back to its resting place or the couple from Sweden who's suing their government over the right to name their child 'Metallica' <---courtesy of Maegan. But then a story like this comes along and trumps them all:

Keith Richards, the 63-year-old guitarist of the Rolling Stones, said he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared. It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

I don't have a joke to add, a commentary, or even a quip. I have nothing. There's absolutely nothing to add. Keith Richards is the craziest man on the planet. Well I guess that's a commentary, albeit a slight one. I think I may be done for the day.

One of these guys needs to admit 'my bad'

Cincinnati Bengals left tackle Levi Jones is still sporting a gash over his left eye from an altercation in a Las Vegas casino two weeks ago. According to Jones, he was jumped from behind by six men before Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter jumped in as well. Porter was cited by police for misdemeanor battery and released. Police said the two players, who are rivals on the field, exchanged trash talk at a casino blackjack table before the fracas.

I bet Jones split 10’s. You just don’t do that.

Eh, it's Tuesday

Have you ever noticed that a lot of people answer the question 'how's it goin'?' by telling you what day of the week it is? Examples:

A: "Hey, how's it goin'?"
B: "Eh, it's Monday."
A: "Yeah, that sucks."


A: "Hey, how 'ya doin'?"
B: "It's Friday!"
A: "Yeah, I hear that!"

Not only did the question go completely unanswered both times, but Person A found Person B's responses to be perfectly reasonable. So next time I'm in a situation like this, I'm going to change it up a bit. If somebody asks me how I'm doing, I'm going say 'eh, it's Monday' even if it actually happens to be Tuesday. Then when they look at me like I'm crazy, I'll tell them that I feel exactly like I did the day before.

We're all Doomed: Fairy Edition

Believers in fairies are up in arms over what they believe to be a cover-up of a fairy-sighting in Derbyshire, England. Remains of a supposed mummified fairy were exposed as an April Fools joke by illusianist, Dan Baines but fairy believers are not buying it. According to Baines, "One person told me to return the remains to the grave site as soon as possible or face the consequences."

And this has been the "WE'RE ALL DOOMED" for Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007.

Say it ain't so Joe, say it ain't so

The following is an actual email update from our favorite Glockstar's boyfriend Joe. As you will see, he may be getting desperate. Enjoy!

The G FORCE is growing stronger each week and the buzz is spreading. Looking for a place to watch and vote? JOE'S on Weed has a viewing party every week if you are close to the city, or 115 Bourbon St if your [sic] on the south side. Just make sure you watch somewhere and VOTE VOTE VOTE!

I was fortunate enough to spend all of last week with Gina and it was such an amazing experience to be a part of. To actually see her living her dream is indescribable, but I want you all to know that YOU are the reason she is getting this chance. She can't do this without you and she continues to send her love and thanks.

As always, thank you for your continued support and votes. We love you! ROCK THE GLOCK!!!


Take me to your feeder

Whenever scientists talk about discovering life on Mars, they always refer to some bacteria or plant life that may have theoretically survived millions of years ago based on a small water source that they discovered deep inside a cave or crevice. But who really cares about that? I want to hear about walking and talking creatures that communicated to one another or built civilizations. Who gives a sh## about a plant?

Monday, April 02, 2007

Quick dialogue between two of my co-workers

Donald: "Wow, it must be nice being able to leave at 3:30."

Mike: "I'm going to a wake."

Donald: "Oh."

Chicago baseball is back!!!!!

Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire, Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch he's due."

Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late to take a mulligan on the season so far?

Aprile Pazzo

I'm interested in how our readers spent April Fools day.

Here is a list of some good April Fools jokes.

- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

Chicago Pizza House? Well now it is

About a year ago, a new restaurant opened up by my work called Chicago Pizza House. Ignoring the fact that it wasn't technically in Chicago, I decided to give it a try. After all, there were plenty of restaurants calling themselves Chicago or New York or Boston without technically residing in those respective cities. So as I was perusing their menu for the first time, (I hadn't realized until now that I have perused before, but I guess I have) I noticed one item inexplicably absent: friggin pizza!

"Excuse me Miss," I said to the waitress. "I don't see pizza on this menu."

"Oh we don't have pizza," she said matter-of-factly, apparently oblivious to the name of the establishment in which she worked.

"Fair enough, I'll take the chicken parmesan."

Now I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wanted to argue with her about how confusing it is to call one's self the 'Chicago Pizza House' under circumstances such as these. But I probably also figured that she was just a waitress there and wouldn't have carte blanche when it came to menu items. So on my way out, I filled out a suggestion card with the following statement: 'you should probably sell friggin pizza'

Fast-forward to today: there is a new sign on the window of the Chicago Pizza House that states in bright bold letters 'WE NOW SELL PIZZA'

Now you know who to thank for that.

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this?

Did you happen to catch 'Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award' on HBO last night? I did and it was awful. I can't figure out what HBO was thinking by airing this thing because it simply wasn't ready yet. You would have thought it was a live taping rather than a recording by how badly it flowed. I wish I would have counted how many times there was a botched edit where the crowd laughter didn't match what I was watching.

And who decided on that panel? Either Garry Shandling is heavy into drugs, or he's borderline insane. He kept rambling on and on and his stories had no point, nor a recognizable punchline. He kept looking around into space and moving his head side to side like Stevie Wonder. I kept waiting for him to break into 'My Cherie Amour'. What was wrong with that guy?

The whole thing would have been a much better idea if it was just Jerry or Chris Rock telling jokes for an hour.