Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wherever Hugo, I go

"My eyes are up here, Fidel."

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Dictators in love

"I don't know where you're headed, but can you call in sick?"

These kids today

If you see a story with the headline, "Cops Taser Student Running Naked Through High School Cafeteria", you're going to read it, even though you know you probably shouldn't. Let's face it, though. Some news stories just raise more questions than they answer. Take this one for example. Here's an exerpt.

WESTERVILLE, Ohio — A student ran naked into his high school lunch room, screaming and flailing his arms, until a police officer used a Taser twice to subdue him on Monday, police in this Columbus suburb said.

The 18-year-old student, Taylor Killian, had rubbed his body with grapeseed oil to keep from being caught, and got up after the first time he was shocked to continue running toward a group of frightened students huddled in a corner at Westerville North High School, Lt. Jeff Gaylor said. "That prank went a little farther than he intended, I guess," Gaylor said.

Killian was quiet and cooperative with officers once he got to the police station, and there was no indication of substance abuse or a medical problem, Gaylor said. Officer Doug Staysniak, who subdued the student, was monitoring the lunch period when Killian, with long hair and a full beard, ran in the room toward students, who screamed and ran away. The officer, normally assigned to a middle school, did not recognize Killian as a student, Gaylor said.
After reading a story like this, one can't help but ask, "What is grapeseed oil?"

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Friday, January 26, 2007

A quick White Sox post

I apologize for writing something that maybe 5 people in the world will find interesting, but please indulge me if you don’t mind.

I’m not going to get all bent out of shape over the recent signing by the White Sox of "former punter" Darin Erstad since it’s only for 1 season at under a million dollars. They’re not exactly breaking the bank here and it’s minimal damage if he sucks. But I just don’t understand the point behind it. He has had exactly one season where he was actually good at baseball (BLEEPING SEVEN YEARS AGO) and he’s managed to parlay that into a permanent starting outfield position ever since and $46 million in career earnings. Where else can a guy who has sucked for so long get by on a reputation he created seven years earlier? Is there even a precedent for this?

Since his signing became public earlier this week, I’ve read like 5 different articles in local newspapers explaining how "gritty" and "tough" this guy is because he was the punter on Nebraska’s National Championship football team in 1994. While I have no doubt that he’s probably a tough guy, how can being a former punter be the reason? Isn’t the punter usually the 1st or 2nd biggest wuss on every football team? Am I really supposed to get excited about this guy because he was a punter 13 years ago?

Don’t let me give you the wrong idea here; as a White Sox fan, I don’t necessarily see a huge problem with signing this guy since it’s for such a small amount. I guess I just don’t see the point. And if White Sox management signed this guy because they think he’s good, that just makes me nervous.

Okay, I’m done. This will be the last White Sox post for a while, at least by me.

Slippery... Very slippery!

This is a sign posted outside the racquetball court in my office building.

Apparently the new cleaning crew used some kind of floor wax on the hardwood court resulting in a pretty slippery situation. I couldn't help but laugh. I wish I had been around to watch the first group try to play under those conditions. I bet it would have been hilarious.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Ramblin' on down, doin' it for you

- I have never seen a commercial for Microsoft.

- Ever notice how MAC users hate Windows? The funny thing is PC users couldn’t care less about MAC. Is it because fans of Microsoft don’t know any better, or is it because fans of MAC have a complex? Maybe a little of both.

- What’s a shufflin’ crew?

- I’d like to shake the hand of the person who decided that the grill of a toaster needs to be wide enough to fit a bagel.

- The bottom button-hole on some of my shirts goes sideways instead of up and down. What’s that about?

- I think being a player, owner, or coach of an upcoming Super Bowl team is more dangerous to the skeletons in your closet than being a Presidential candidate.

- Underrated thing about single life that I miss: being able to eat Chef Boyardee ravioli for dinner.

- The best part about a home remodeling project is the moment you finish it. The worst part about a home remodeling project is the realization that you’re never finished.

- Rex Grossman is the most underrated quarterback in the NFL. Look at his stats compared to someone like Troy Aikman, then tell me I’m wrong.

- I was so busy at work yesterday that I went from the moment I got up until the moment before bed without using the bathroom. I think I may be Batman.

- Never offer someone a Dove ice cream bar if you really want to eat it yourself. There’s no way they’re turning it down.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Hey, Blinkin!

Brian mentioned yesterday the predictable charade that is the annual State of the Union address. I'd forgotten that last night marked the first time we'd get to see new House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi sitting behind the President.

I've noticed her unusual blinking habits before last night and apparently I'm not alone. During last night's speech, Madame Speaker was clocked at blinking between a whopping 25-30 times a minute. THAT'S A LOT! Sit at your desk right now and try to blink that fast. Now imagine doing that for 45 minutes! I'd go insane!

Pelosi should talk to Ben Stein about getting some Clear Eyes eye drops. But she probably won't because he's a Republican.

Wii Todd Did

Well I finally stopped making my 6 year old save up and just got him the Wii after all. We got it last night after a friend of my brother in law's former roommate pulled some strings for us. The Wii is in such hot demand that the cashier told me to be careful going back to the car so I didn't get robbed. I'm not kidding.

I can't give you a full Wii-view seeing as how I currently have only played for about 3 hours and I've only played Wii Sports, which came packaged with the system, and WarioWare Smooth Moves. But my first impression is that the Wii is going to ruin my life. It's incredibly addictive and unlike any video game experience I've ever had. I highly recommend it.

Wii Sports is a package of five games, tennis, golf, baseball, boxing and bowling. Each of those games requires you to move your controller as if you were actually playing the game. You swing your controller to hit the ball or your opponent and its remarkably life-like. I was especially impressed by bowling. You control the spin of the ball depending on the angle of the controller as you follow through. It was the first game I played with my son and we were both instantly hooked.

I can already tell that WarioWare Smooth Moves is going to be even more addictive. It is a series of mini-tasks that you must accomplish in a short amount of time. You have to have quick Wii-flexes to play this one.

Included in this Nintendo is a wireless connection so you can link up with your home wireless network. This was something Nintendo's previous system, the GameCube, sorely lacked. Not only will this allow you to play games against opponents online, but also will give you the opportunity to download games from other systems. Super Mario Bros. and Sonic the Hedgehog are among the titles currently available to download for a small fee.

Some of the other features included are a live up to date weather forecaster and an online news channel. The Opera internet browser is also available for free download allowing you to surf the web on your TV. I found surfing to be rather clunky on the Wii since its not too easy to type with the Wiimote but I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a Wii Keyboard available somewhere down the road.

I know some of you may be thinking that I'm too old for video games but I have to say that this system is going to bridge the age gap. My first thought when seeing how simple it is to maneuver a controller that reacts to your movements was that older generations are going to love this. My mom always moved the controller when she made Mario jump with the original Nintendo anyway and we always thought she was retarded. It turns out she was just ahead of her time.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A quick prediction

During tonight's State of the Union address, George W. Bush will say a bunch of words, which will be followed up by loud cheers and standing ovations by half the room while the other half sits in their chairs quietly. Then when the cheers die down, Bush will say some more words, followed by loud cheers and standing ovations by the same half of the room that gave him the loud cheers and standing ovations the first time while the other half continues to sit in their chairs quietly. This will go on for like 30 minutes.

Just a prediction.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Final Thoughts following Sunday’s Bears game

- That American Idol guy is pretty good.

- I bet if I repeatedly punch the grill on the front of a Dodge truck, I could dent it.

- Watching Reggie Bush dance in the endzone after his touchdown, I couldn’t help but wish that some drunken fan would throw something at him from the stands. Then someone did and I was happy again.

- I have a fun drinking game for you to try if Joe Buck is announcing the game. You have to drink every time he says the word "clearly" as in "clearly his knee was down before the ball came out" or "he clearly got both feet down before falling out of bounds". Guaranteed to get you drunk by the 2nd quarter.

- I make fun of Joe Buck and clearly he annoys me, but in all honesty, I recognize it’s a bigger game whenever he’s involved, and I would have felt cheated yesterday if he wasn’t there. Sometimes I just wish Fox would remember that they’re broadcasting a sporting event and not filming a dramatic movie. Clearly.

- I can't see a "D-Fense" sign in the stands anymore without laughing hysterically. Then I have to explain why I'm laughing to people who don't know. So Alex's wife, I'm sorry.

- I’d hate to be one of those photographers whose job it is to take pictures of the winning coach as he runs to mid-field to shake hands with the losing coach. It seems like that guy is always a few seconds away from being trampled, especially since he has to hold his camera above his head while running backwards.

- I can't believe it took the Coors Light people until now to use the Jim Mora "playoffs" press conference. That's the one I would have started with. Also, they could have done a lot better with the Mike Ditka version. I can think of 2 or 3 press conference clips of Mike Ditka off the top of my head that are better than the one's they're using.

- Knowing what I know about the end of Sunday’s game, I’m now setting the over/under at 5 for the number of text messages I get in 2 weeks if the Bears win again, and I feel extremely confident taking the over.

- Don’t you hate the guy who scribbles his name in his square so badly that you can’t read it? I hate not knowing who won.

- Speaking of squares, I was told to "root for the Bears, not for the squares". While I’m glad the Bears won, it would have been even better if I was collecting money today.

- We got our Rexy back, yeah! Those motha-Colts won’t know how to act, yeah!

- Sorry ‘bout that. Go Bears!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Congratulations to the NFC Champion Chicago Bears

Bears RB Thomas Jones celebrates with Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith.

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Friday, January 19, 2007

We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky.

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Turn the radio up, for that sweet Random

- Why do some people talk faster at the part where they give their return phone number during a voice message? That’s really the only part we need to hear.

- I’m glad Steve Young was a running quarterback because it allows us to make comparisons to Michael Vick without any accusations.

- How long can I keep refilling the same Aquafina bottle before it gets too gross and I have to buy a new one?

- There is no "I" in teim, unless you’re a bad speller.

- I wouldn’t question the Starbucks cashier for putting out a tip jar as much as I’d question the moron who contributed to it.

- Alanis becoming a star before Christine, Lisa, and Alasdair is kind of an upset, but nobody ever talks about it.

- At what point will faster computer processors no longer matter? How much better can they actually get? Will the application open before I click on it?

- My work just offered me discounted tickets to a Blackhawks game. I’m thinking of going because I have yet to see that Russian guy live and I’ve heard good things. I’ve also heard good things about that Canadian guy. But there’s no way I’m rooting for that Slavic guy.

- I find it hard to believe this is the last that Jack Bauer has heard from the Chinese. And if it is, was there a point to that storyline?

- I have to hand it to the guy who still sports a pony tail. We point and laugh, but he sticks with it and doesn’t care.

- What did we do before microwaves? Did we eat it cold or eat it 30 minutes later? Either way, it must have sucked.

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Vaseline, bubblegum, and green ice cream

Who can still wear wife-beaters, knowing they're called wife-beaters? I used to have a wife-beater but I just couldn't continue wearing it with a clear conscience. That's not to mention that it clashed with my child-rapist trousers.

I'm going to a University of Michigan basketball game tonight. I couldn't name you a single Michigan basketball player (is Chris Webber still on the team?) so I'm going to be that guy. At least I recognize it. I can't wait to stand up and yell "In the FACE!" when the horn sounds after the first half.

Is it wrong of me that I'm making my 6 year old save his money to buy the Wii? It's really going to be just for me.

I disagree with Brian's opinion on Jewel. She should never have gotten her teeth "fixed". I kinda dug the snaggle-tooth look. Plus, back then she was the girl who was living out of a van and homeless girls are cool. Remember that homeless girl that Zach met at the mall when Screech was supposed to be buying U2 tickets? She was hot.

I don't like that pistachio ice cream is the same color as mint ice cream. I will never just assume green = mint ever again.

I always found it annoying that some bubblegum comes in "bubblegum" flavor. Can they really get away with that? The bubblegum industry is the only example I could think of that does this. Would we accept if they started calling Original Pringles "potato flavored"?

Does petroleum jelly come in that giant tub so blind guys will be able to find it easier?

I applaud the people who recognized the necessity to make sure Vaseline had a top that pops off, while the Vicks Vapor Rub has a twist-off cap.

Watching "The Real World" is exactly like watching monkeys at the zoo. They're put in this faux "real-life" habitat so we can observe them fight, chase, get it on and throw crap at each other. Ok... maybe not exactly. But close.

According to Google, I'm the first person to ever use the phrase "child-rapist trousers". I'm a little weirded out though that Google asked me if I actually meant "date rape dungarees".

A quick Idol recap

- I think it was quite the bad omen for the guy who dressed himself up like Apollo Creed. I guess nobody told him that he was dressed like Creed from the Ivan Drago fight where he died from severe head injuries.

- If Jewel wants to replace Paula, I’d have no problem with that. She didn’t really add anything as far as judges go, but she’s more fun to look at and I don’t think she’s insane.

- Anyone else notice that they were letting marginally talented singers on to the next round in Hollywood? My guess is it's because the judges were tired of saying no to everyone, but this does not bode well for future episodes where actual singing talent is necessary to carry the show.
- I can’t help but wonder if the girl who was brought to the audition with her boss and her boss’s wife watched the episode Tuesday night with the two of them present. Talk about awkward.

- I don’t think I’ve ever met a real crack baby. Or maybe I have, but I just didn’t know it. Either way, I’m rooting for the crack baby. Bonus points for her since her friend outside the audition room looked like Dave Chappelle when he plays an actual crack addict.

- Wouldn’t it have been easier to simply unlock the left door?

- The 19-year-old blond girl may have to fix her teeth if she expects America to vote for her down the road. I know that sounds shallow, but it’s going to be tough to listen to her when we can’t take our eyes off those two gaps.

- It was only a promo for Wednesday’s episode, but I already feel bad for the little guy with the crazy eyebrows and his chubby friend.

- My final grade for Tuesday night’s episode – C. Maybe the whole idea behind the early episodes is wearing thin, or maybe the judges have simply run out of humorous facial expressions for the people who suck. But I hope Minneapolis is not an indication of how the rest of the auditions will go.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I don't give Jill enough credit

I’ve mentioned before that I will sometimes watch the Bears game with Jill, and for the most part, she rarely takes anything away from the broadcast. I’ve even mentioned times when she has said something smart or insightful (considering she barely cares who wins and would just assume football didn’t exist). Apparently, I don’t give her enough credit because she would never, EVER, say something like my co-worker Alex’s wife said to him while watching the Chargers/Patriots game with him on Sunday.

Alex’s wife: "Does DeGate play for New England or South Dakota?"
Alex: "It’s not South Dakota. It’s San Diego."
Alex’s wife: "Oh. Which team does DeGate play for?"
Alex: "I’m not sure who that is."

After clearing up the South Dakota/San Diego confusion, Alex realized there isn’t a player on either team named DeGate. Apparently, she was looking at two fans holding a "defense" sign. You know the one. One guy holds a "D", then the other guy holds a picture of a fence. Yeah, I know.

My advice to Alex: Either stop watching football games with this poor woman, or stop telling us about it afterwards.

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Final follow-up thoughts from a terrific Sunday for television

- I don’t know who I was more excited to see, that guy from "Harold and Kumar", that guy from "Syriana", that woman from "Jerry Maguire", or that guy from "Good Will Hunting". This year’s choices for cameos was much better than last year’s with that guy from "Rudy".

- I wish Robbie Gould would drop the "u" from his last name so that Terry Bradshaw would pronounce it correctly.

- "24" started at 7pm, but the busted Patriots took until 7:30 to beat the Chargers. Sometimes Tivo pays for itself.

- Is there anyone outside of Boston that likes the Patriots? I was almost rooting for them to lose as much as I was rooting for the Bears to win. Okay, not exactly, but you get my point.

- If Ladainian Tomlinson would have punched someone at midfield after that game, resulting in a full-blown brawl, that would have been the greatest save on my Tivo of all time. And if it would have involved LT’s fist and Tom Brady’s face, I would have worn out the rewind button on my remote.

- Perhaps I need to get over my hatred for the Patriots.

- Watching "24" on delay is much better than watching it live. I get nervous when I fast-forward through the commercials and almost catch up.

- If you’re arrested for multiple weapons charges on multiple occasions, then your best friend is killed at a nightclub two days later and you’re a huge source of embarrassment to your team and everyone hates you, all you need to do is come up with a key sack at the end of regulation of a playoff game and all is forgiven.

- I don’t think I could ever be cold enough to where my face would get as red as Mike Holmgren’s was yesterday.

- I liked Chloe’s makeover, but her voice still makes me cringe.

- People always make fun of kickers and teams never use a high draft choice on a good one, but I never understood why. They’re always the team’s leading scorer, and there isn’t a worse feeling as a fan than knowing the team you root for has a bad one.

- I guess what I’m saying is "thank goodness for Robbie Gold". Oh, my bad, I mean Robbie Gould.

Does Jack Bauer think he's better than me?


Last night's 2-hour episode of "24" covered the hours between 6am and 8am. In these two hours, Jack Bauer arrived in L.A. from China, got debriefed, shaved his foot-long beard, got handcuffed to a sewer grate, then was tortured, escaped death from a group of terrorists by eating a guy’s neck, drove across L.A. and broke into a house full of suspected terrorists, kidnapped two of them, jumped out of the way of a helicopter missile, followed a suicide bomber onto a train, kicked him off the train seconds before he could blow himself up, and subsequently saved the lives of thousands. Oh, and he called CTU like 3 or 4 times.

This morning, between 6am and 8am, I woke up, got dressed, and drove to work. And it was snowy and cold.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Barenaked Bloglets

I don't think I could be a nudist. Where would I keep my keys?

Do people at nudist colonies dress up for Halloween?

I bet there are no nudist lathe operators.

Mowing the lawn in the nude wouldn't be so bad but I probably wouldn't do the weed whacking that way.

Why is a person's likelihood to become a nudist inversely related to how much attention that person pays to the grooming of his or her own body hair?

Playing dress-up for nudist children is probably either really easy or really hard.

Nudists probably play baseball differently since everyone starts out at first base.

Tampons are probably a bigger seller than maxi pads at nudist colonies.

I'm thinking that cooking bacon would be among the most common causes of injury at a nudist colonies. And probably water skiing.

A nudist paintball enthusiast would probably be a rare find.

I doubt anything has been a bigger boon to the nudist lifestyle than when they started making picnic benches out of plastic.

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Matthew Fox's publicist spits out coffee

Click here to read an interesting partial interview with Matthew Fox of "Lost".

In the words of Brian Fantana, perhaps Matthew should stop talking for a while. Maybe take the next couple plays off.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sit Random Sit. Good Dog. Woof!

- I could never have a cool name like Alexander the Great because I’m not all that great and "Brian the Eh" just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

- Speaking of Alexander the Great, do you think he still would have become famous if his parents would have named him Alexander the Good? Somehow I doubt it.

- I substituted dinner yesterday for a Dove ice cream bar, and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I’m all for maintaining good health, but what’s the point if your life sucks as a result?

- In the game where Bump Bailey crashes through the wall, Pop Fisher should have started Bump in RF and put Roy Hobbs in LF. He should have figured that Roy was his 2nd best player and it’s silly to sit your 2nd best player just because your best player plays the same position. Pop was right, he shoulda been a farmer.

- I think it’s unfair when People Magazine puts some actor’s wife that we don’t know up against an A-Lister like Beyonce or Reese on the "Who wore it better?" page. Like that vote could ever be unbiased. The poor wife has no chance.

- "I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m just here to be positive." If I’m ever put on the stand and forced to defend myself in court, I’m totally using this.

- I just realized last week that I’ve been filling out my checking deposit slips incorrectly for like 10 years. Nobody ever told me.

- Is it possible that the QB from Ohio State was simply trying to imitate Shane Falco’s famed Sugar Bowl game? Is it possible that anyone will get this reference?

- I think the glue on the back of a Post-It should be stronger.

- We try to get clever by buying the banana’s when they’re still green, but who are we kidding? One or two of them are still going to rot.

And since I have nothing left to add, I will leave you with this: Check baby check baby one two three four, check baby check baby one two three, check baby check baby one two, check baby check baby one. It's Teddy, ready with the one-two checker, Wreckx-N-Effect is in effect but I'm the wrecker. Thankfully, that's all I remember. But hopefully, it's enough to get it stuck in your head. Oh, and by the way, all I wanna do is do my zoom zoom zoom and a poom-poom!

A bloglet of advice

Be careful when saying the word palatial out loud. Just trust me on that one.

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Paul of Shame

I wrote a rather lengthy (by our standards) entry last Thursday about which players I would vote for if I was a member of the BBWAA and I was given a Hall of Fame ballot. The whole thing was written in jest partly because I know I’ll never be allowed to vote for something like that, and also because I was trying to be funny. But on Monday, I read a column from Paul Ladewski, who is an actual member of the BBWAA. His column focused on his reasoning for who he voted for, and by all accounts, it was not in jest.

(Click here for the article).

Who did he vote for, you ask? Nobody. He turned in his ballot and it was completely blank. Remember, this guy’s vote counted, meaning baseball players who are currently eligible for the Hall of Fame were directly affected by his vote, and he voted for nobody. If I was Cal Ripken Jr. or Tony Gwynn, I’d be pissed. Better yet, if I was a fringe HOF’er who was counting on every vote possible, I’d try to find this guy. Anyway, here are his 3 reasons (as well as my responses to how insane they are) for handing in a blank ballot.

"I don't have nearly enough information [about who took steroids] to make a value judgment of this magnitude."

In other words, Paul is a journalist who gets paid to make value judgments based on information he has gathered to make said judgment, but admittedly, he’s not very good at his job.

"Let's suppose a player is voted into the Hall of Fame, then a short time later, a former teammate steps forward to Canseco him. And another. What to do then? Keep him there? Take him out? Drape black crepe over his plaque?"

Using this logic, Paul probably shouldn't have a job because a few years ago, one of his colleagues from the Chicago Tribune was charged with statutory rape and subsequently fired from his job. How do we know that one day in the future, we won't find out the same thing about Paul?

"Walter Johnson, Cy Young and Honus Wagner didn't receive
[unanimous selections]. Neither did Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth and Ted Williams. In fact, nobody has in the history of the game."

In other words, the people who vote for this thing have been doing it wrong for 70 years, so why stop now?

Paul Ladewski is a pompous jackass!

The fall of Romo

My brother-in-law Daryl and I have talked about starting a Fantasy Life league where you would assemble a "team" of celebrities and earn points based on their worth as human beings. The celebrity would earn points for things like humanitarian work, likability, or just by marrying someone above them on the celebrity ladder. They'd be deducted points for things like drunk driving arrests, making a movie with Matthew Lillard, or having a homemade sex tape "stolen" from their house.

I bring that up because in a matter of three months, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has seen his Fantasy Life value skyrocket and plummet. Tony Romo is the celebrity equivalent to

Romo began the season as a back-up quarterback that nobody had heard of. Following his rise to the starting position and the Cowboys success behind him, it wasn't long before he was practically the greatest quarterback that ever played the game and was rumored to be dating Jessica Simpson.

However, after flubbing a snap on a short field goal attempt that would have won the game for the Cowboys in their wildcard playoff game on Saturday, Tony Romo is arguably the biggest goat in franchise history. Talk about your 15 minutes of fame.

No other athlete springs to mind that has gone full circle so quickly. Now I just have to convince Daryl to trade me his Kevin Federline. K-Fed has nowhere to go but up.

If sports figures actually spoke the truth

White Sox shortstop Juan Uribe is confident that he’ll be cleared soon by Dominican courts in the shooting of two men outside his home in October, adding that this case should not affect his goal to be on time to spring training. Upon hearing this news, White Sox GM Kenny Williams replied, "I’m upset that the men we hired to frame Uribe for this crime were so incompetent. Now when we cut him from the team, we’ll still have to pay the $4 million we owe him."

Kevin Garnett of the Timberwolves spoke candidly about his team’s improved play the last week, following three impressive overtime wins in a row. "It’s all me out there. I know I have four teammates on the floor with me at all times, but c’mon, one of them is friggin Trenton Hassell. Hopefully I don’t drop dead before March."

The Cubs gave $10 million per season to pitcher Ted Lilly and $7 million per season to pitcher Jason Marquis, both of whom have had limited success in recent years. Asked for his reasoning, GM Jim Hendry said "I haven’t told anyone yet, but Carlos Zambrano is making me his agent after this season. With the inflated market that I’ve created, we can now ask for $30 million and some moron GM like Brian Sabean won't think twice about giving it to us."

Buffalo Bills running back Willis McGahee, currently at five, is chasing a record set by Shawn Kemp (seven) and Evander Holyfield (nine) for the number of illegitimate children fathered by a famous athlete. "It's good for me to set goals for myself," said McGahee. He then immediately started making phone calls.

Former Dolphins coach Nick Saban, upon quitting the team and accepting a new job as Alabama’s head coach, gave his reasons behind the decision to leave Miami. "I know I said in the past that this was not about money," said Saban. "But really, who was I kidding? That's exactly what it was about. Oh, and I also came to the realization that I’m not a particularly good coach, which became magnified at the NFL level. I’m thankful that I’ll be able to get by again on my recruiting skills rather than my ability to call plays. Go ‘Bama!"

Friday, January 05, 2007

I’ll take 8 Randoms, a Venti fry, and a Grande Coke

- Who do Kenny G and Barry Manilow make fun of? Is it each other?

- I was just told that my cell phone voice mail says that I’ll be on vacation until December 4th. Oops. Either I haven’t missed a call in a full month, or people wanted to see how long I’d go without fixing it.

- I wonder how different "The Apprentice" would be if Donald Trump was replaced by a union leader. Would anyone ever get fired?

- Better yet, I think they should do a show called "The Communist Apprentice" pitting a team of socialists versus a team of capitalists. The possibilities are endless.

- I think the guy who invented Starbucks cup sizes was compensating for something, if you know what I mean. Small equals tall and medium equals grande? C’Mon!

- I wish I could have proposed to Jill after scoring a game-winning 2-point conversion in a college bowl game as she cheered me on from the sidelines. Unfortunately, I suck at football and she’s not a cheerleader.

- Sometimes I wonder how certain things happen for the first time, like sky diving. I can see where the popularity comes from now that we know it works, but who was the first person that thought to themselves "you know what, I feel like strapping this JanSport to my back and jumping out of a plane"?

- My wedding featured the token creepy guy hitting on the cute younger girl, the token drunken guy fight, and the token cheesy dancing to YMCA. But after all that, I still feel kind of cheated that we didn’t get the token drunk girl who starts jealously crying because her long-time boyfriend still hasn’t asked her to marry him yet. What happened to that girl?

One Thumb Up

I could never be a movie critic. Not that a job like that has ever been offered to me, and certainly not that I wouldn’t take it if it was. But I could never be one because I wouldn’t be good at it. I like too much crap. I came to this conclusion when reading a review of "Old School" by Roger Ebert. Roger, of course, couldn’t recommend it, but if you would have asked me, I would have.

His reasons for not recommending a movie to his readers are usually legitimate. Poor character development, poor acting, poor direction, poor script. And I usually agree with him. But the problem for me is that oftentimes, I’ll enjoy the movie anyway. For a real critic, it takes a good movie to be entertained. For me, sometimes all it takes is 90 minutes of cheap laughs.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Kids in the Hall

Every year, the Baseball Writers' Association of America (BBWAA) gets to vote for Hall of Fame inductees. Prior to the voting, you’ll always hear from members of the BBWAA telling us who they will be voting for and who they won’t be voting for and why. It’s a big joke really since the criteria for getting voted seems to change every year. But this year, the main discussion has been whether or not Mark McGwire will get elected since he allegedly took steroids and we can’t have someone like that associated with the HOF and voting for him sends the wrong message to kids and we need to teach someone a lesson and who better to teach a lesson to than this guy and blah blah blah nonsense nonsense.

It’s enough to make your head spin really because one, he’s never been proven to have actually taken steroids. Two, the banning of steroids wasn’t enforced by the league until after he retired. And three, even if he did take steroids, who are we to get all high and mighty about it after the fact when we didn’t seem to care at the time he played? Regardless, there will probably be enough people who vote for this thing who will in fact get all high and mighty about it and keep him out. But I wouldn’t. I’d vote him in and give him his own wing at the museum. I’d call it “The Steroids Wing”. Who wouldn’t want to check that out? The only problem with the steroids wing is that the plaques with the heads of the players on it would have to be twice as big, and that could cause budget concerns in the future.

But here are a few other fringe HOF’ers that I’d vote for and why:

Dave Concepcion: He didn’t do anything particularly worthy when you look at his overall statistics, but there’s an old Topps baseball card of his from the 70’s where he’s wearing a generic red hat with no logo on it (kind of like something you’d see in a Frosted Flakes commercial). Actually, it was more pink than red which leads me to believe that there was a guy working at Topps at the time the card was manufactured who made it like that as a joke, but then never fixed it and it got shipped out like that. Regardless, any guy with a baseball card that cheesy definitely gets my vote.

Andre Dawson: His nickname was "The Hawk" even though he was about as graceful as a drunk 3-legged horse. He’d get my vote, then I’d have a continuous video at the museum showing him chasing after doubles in the right-field corner and legging out slow-rolling grounders during his Cubs days.

Jack Morris: Another guy who probably didn’t do enough statistically, but he made up for it in cheesy facial hair. Are you seeing the pattern here folks? Cheesy equals vote from me.

And finally Pete Rose: He could quite possibly be the only guy in history to get booed during his acceptance speech. We have the opportunity to make it happen, but we’re letting it slip away.

It's no wonder seven ate nine

I have no problems with the numbers zero through eight, but the number nine pisses me off. The nine is a poseur. It wants to be in the cool crowd so bad. The nine is the numerical equivalent to Theo Huxtable having Denise make him a shirt just like a real Gordon Gartrelle.

Listen here, nine. Nobody likes you! It's your fault that poor number six has to be underlined on Uno cards! You will never be six, so just stop trying.

Allow me to vent for a second

Every time I see a newspaper headline that references Global Warming, I quickly move right past the article without even reading it. I get it; it’s getting warmer and it’s our fault. Just please stop telling me about it. Instead, how about we figure out how to fix it? Every time I'm given a tip on what I can do personally to thwart Global Warming, I do it, but then I continue to see the headlines almost daily. So if we can’t figure out a real solution to the problem short of asking everyone to stop exhaling, then can we please shut up about it and enjoy the nice weather?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go outside and spray an aerosol can directly towards the sky.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Now I know how Elaine Benes felt

Last night, I went to get my haircut, but my regular place had closed by the time I arrived. Luckily, there’s an Asian beauty shop in that same strip mall and it was open, so I went in.

Right off the bat, I realized this beauty shop is a little bit different. Usually when guys get a professional haircut, it’s a quick trim and then we’re gone. We’re in and we’re out before you know it. But here, they wash your hair before they cut it, then they wash it again afterwards. Fair enough.

So anyway, as the girl was washing my hair, she would lean over me, but she kept getting way too close. I’m sure you can figure out where I’m going with this. Yes, every time she leaned over, BAM, right in my face. I didn’t know what to do. I turned my head to the side, didn’t help. I turned my head to the other side, same thing. To make matters worse, when she was done, her shirt was wet and soapy right in that spot from the water and shampoo that was on my face. Yeah, I know. The whole time she cut my hair.

To say it was awkward afterwards is quite the understatement, but she didn’t help any because as soon as she noticed it, she started talking to one of the other stylists in her native tongue. I just know she was saying something like "did you see what this guy did to my boob?"

You can bet this is the last time I’ll ever go to that Asian beauty shop.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Obama Osama

We try not to get too political here at 1 Happy St. so I apologize ahead of time if the mere mention of a politician evokes the kind of knee jerk reaction all too common in the polarized nation in which we live.

I just wanted to ask if it's only I that thinks that Barack Obama (D-IL) has to have the most unfortunate name of any politician in recent memory, and that includes Dick Armey. From day one, it was clear it was going to be a stumbling block for Obama when he was called "Osama Obama" by Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) shortly after his election to the US Senate.

Even today, we hear that CNN mistakenly spelled the name of Osama bin Laden on a graphic that read, "Where is Obama?" To any regular viewer of CNN, or any other news network for that matter, the answer to that question was an obvious one. Everywhere. But they were not referring to the junior Senator from Illinois.

One can't help but feel for the guy. Here he is at the top of his career with the pundits nightly debating his qualifications for the White House, and he has to have a last name that is one letter off of the most hated man in America.

But wait, it gets better. Do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? It's Hussein! Bummer. Something tells me that the country might be a little reluctant to elect the next President of the United States with the name of Barack Hussein Obama!

I suppose it could be worse. At least his first name isn't Adolf.

It's getting Random in here

- The idea of Costco is wasted on me. I love Pringles as much as the next guy, but do I really need a 10-pack of them?

- I can’t wait to hear the following words: "With the 2nd pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select WR Dwayne Jarrett from the University of Southern California." This could finally be the year that Matt Millen causes Mel Kiper Jr.’s head to explode.

- Certain shows would be better served if they were on HBO. I think "Friday Night Lights" is one of those. Ditto for "The Real World".

- What’s more telling about me? That I own my own bowling ball, or that I have a lucky T-Shirt that says "Ping Pong Champion" on it?

- I’d like to be known as the guy at work who always knows what date it is. I’d also like to be known as the guy who always has a stick of gum. And an extra stamp. And a couple extra ketchup packets. Everybody loves that guy.

- 30 GB of space on an MP3 player is unnecessary. Then again, I may just be jealous that mine only stores 2.

- I’ll never buy a Volkswagen. They’re always involved in horrific crashes where the driver gets T-Boned.

- I think we’re all better off that I didn’t realize that USC had a guy named Bush and a guy named Booty on their football team last year. I also think that could have done without the headline that said "Booty explodes for 391 yards". That's just too much info.

- A 6-inch sub from Subway is never enough. But a 12-inch sub is always too big. Is it too much to ask for them to create a sub that splits the difference?

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Previously on 24

A new season of "24" starts in less than 2 weeks, and I couldn’t be more excited. Well I guess I could, but not about this. I’m not a big MNF guy unless the Bears are playing, so I’m pumped for finally having something to do on Monday nights again.

The thing I like best about "24" is how Jack Bauer can get himself out of any compromising situation just by dialing up someone on his palm pilot. It has to be the most connected palm pilot in the world. It’s like some kind of advanced form of moviefone for counter-terrorist agents.

If you need approval from the President of the United States to put a hit on a foreign diplomat, press 1 now. If you’re standing in front of a bank vault and you need Chloe to break its code so you can get in, press 2 now. If you’re hiding in some airport duct work while watching a group of fundamentalists hold the terminal hostage and you need the layout of the airport uploaded to your palm pilot so that you can move easily from room to room to thwart said fundamentalists, press 3 now. Sometimes I wish I had cell phone connections like Jack.

Meanwhile, I just called the helpdesk of my cell phone provider because they over-billed me $10 last month. I talked to 3 different people, but none of them could fix it.

Oh well, I guess I’ll leave the tough stuff to Jack.