Thursday, March 30, 2006

WebMd: It's like Google for hypochondriacs

Recently I turned 29. I didn't really expect 29 to be a major milestone. I mean, 30 is right around the corner so 29 was sort of a non-event for me. In fact, several times since my 29th birthday, I've actually had to remind myself that I was 29.

And since I've needed to be reminded how old I am, my body has taken up the cause. It seems as though several of my organs have thrown in the towel all together. I haven't seen this kind of retreat since the French were invaded by the Girl Scouts.

About 6 weeks ago, I began to have some pain in my tummy (yes, I said tummy but I have two small children so it's allowed). I hadn't eaten anything weird and I wasn't really sick. It was more like a cramp in my side. It wasn't a horrible pain but it was constant. Being a member of the male sub-species, I of course came to the conclusion that the prudent thing to do would be ignore it and hope it goes away. Sort of like the French did with the Nazi's.

I'm going to take this time to expand a little on why I don't like going to the doctor. You see, I've never actually had a doctor fix something. I will go into the doctor with some ailment... and it doesn't matter what it is... headaches, nagging cough, severe chest pains... and the doctor will never... I mean NEVER.... be able to figure out what is wrong with me. And it's not just that one doctor is a moron. Every doctor I go to is unable to diagnose what is causing whatever it is I'm there for. Apparently, my body is a medical mystery. Case in point... I had a cough over the winter. "Oh like 4-5 days of coughing?" you ask? No. I mean the entire winter. I literally coughed from October until February. (Now might be a good time to tell you what wonderful people I work with, since they didn't kill me after listening to me hacking up a lung all winter. Although I did notice that Angie and Molly have been wearing their headphones a lot more frequently.) So anyway, the doctor never did figure out why I was coughing. I was treated for asthma, bronchitis, kennel cough, you name it... until it eventually just went away on its own. So the point is, I have not had great experiences with doctors. Doctors are like the French. They talk fancy and condescending, and they always leave me wondering where my day went.

So here we are... 3 doctors visits, one blood test, one urinalysis, one ultrasound, and 6 weeks later... and the pain is worse and they still don't know what is wrong with me. They thought it was gallstones. It wasn't. It acts like an appendacitis but usually that doesn't linger around for 6 weeks. The medical commmunity is as perplexed as a guy named Pierre in a self-defense class.

This has left me with a lot of time to poke around the internet looking for answers. WebMD is my favorite. Even if you don't think you're sick, just go to Not only are you are sick, but you're also dying. And there's nothing that can be done to save you. (To donate your organs, click here.) Just wave the white flag... just like the French do (which makes me wonder... On the French flag, why did they bother adding the red and blue parts?).

I go in tomorrow for a CT scan. I didn't even know I had a CT but apparently I do, and it needs to be scanned. It's all a waste of time though, since I already know that they won't find anything. I'll just have to ignore it and hope it goes away.... like I do with the French.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's an oldie where I come from

"Alright guys, let's do some blues riff in b, watch me for the changes, and uh, try and keep up, okay."

Monday, March 20, 2006

Things the media says I should be afraid of

Rock 'n roll
The south
Avian Bird Flu
My computer
The government
Flu shots
Contact sports
Hurt feelings
Rich people
French fries
Second hand smoke
Old people
Cell phones
The internet
White people
Stay-at-home moms
Compact cars
School buses
Video games
...shall I go on?

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Rump Shaker in D

Johann Pachelbel is the Wreckx-N-Effect of Classical music. He was the original one-hit-wonder. Can you think of one other song that guy did other than Canon in D? Even Ace of Base had two big hits. Pachelbel writes one song and now we're stuck with it for every wedding from now until the end of time. And it's not even a good song. It sounds like he wrote it in Mrs. Carson's 5th grade recorder class. Did he write Hot Cross Buns too?

An Instant Classic

The second round of the inaugural World Baseball Classic wraps up tonight, with a game between the United States (1-1) and Mexico (0-2). A win puts the US in the semi-final round against unbeaten South Korea.

Opinions of the WBC were mixed going into it. Many people thought it was unneeded and potentially dangerous to put Major Leaguers in an exhibition tournament. But so far, those skeptics have been silenced by decent attendance and virtually injury free games. Plus, the chance for injury is no greater than the regualarly scheduled spring training games that most of these guys would be playing in now anyway. Others just thought that the name "World Baseball Classic" was bad. They're probably right about that.

Really, I think most of the criticism came from people who thought that an international event wouldn't play to the casual baseball fan in the United States. But we're probably talking about the same people who think national pride is a dirty thing. "How can we unite behind this baseball team of spoiled millionairs when our evil industrial military complex is busy imposing our capitalistic beliefs on harmless dictatorships? Ok, I'll watch... but can I root for Hugo Chavez' Venezuela? I hear he's good friends with Cindy Shehan." But I digress...

If the US wins tonight, that sets up a final four of Cuba, Korea and the Domincan Republic. Japan (1-2) would advance with an American loss tonight because of a better run differential. Of those, only Korea would have been a surprise, but the way they've rolled over the competition so far, they're now the odd-on favorites.

As much as it pains me to say this, the WBC has been a success for baseball commissioner, Bud Selig. But what's good for Bud is good for baseball and that's good. For his sake, let's hope that the final game doesn't go into extra innings.

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Random Thoughts

  • I've had an unpeeled banana on my desk all day. It was perfectly yellow 6 hours ago. Now it's brown and gross. How did this stupid fruit catch on? It's got a window of freshness of maybe a day and even if you manage to have a hankering for a banana while it's still yellow on the outside, chances are about 2 to 1 that you're going to get one thats gross on the inside anyway. That's why they come in a bunch. Maybe you'll get one good one in there. Banana's suck.
  • It's 10 minutes to 4 right now. It looks like Mickey Mouse is disco dancing on my watch.
  • NASA announced yesterday that they've found water on a moon of Saturn. How long before someone finds a way to bottle it and sell it for $4.00 a bottle? I should go register
  • My cell phone ringtone is Thunderstruck by AC/DC. My ringtone can kick your ringtone's ass!
  • I need a haircut.
  • Dressing for casual friday is more stressful than any other day. This is my only day to wear something casual and I don't want to waste it.
  • 22 Days until opening day.