Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Today's coffee spit

- When asked to name the most underrated performer in his field, rapper Kevin Federline paused for about 12 seconds then replied, "Me."

The whole country collectively spits out their coffee.

- Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez, who had 0 hits in 24 consecutive playoff at-bats, had this endorsement from his manager prior to Game 4 of the World Series: "We're sticking with Pudge because we feel he gives us the best chance to win."

Rodriguez's backup spits out his coffee.

- Nicole Richie, whose rail-thin appearance in recent photos has stoked tabloid speculation of an eating disorder, has checked into a treatment facility to address her inability to gain weight. “She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition," said spokeswoman Nicole Perna.

Guy from Ethiopia wishes he had a cup of coffee so he could spit it.

-My co-worker Sam (talking to me, and unprovoked): "I think if you lost about 5 pounds, those pants you’re wearing would fit you perfectly."

Brian spits out mouthful of French fries.

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Monday, October 30, 2006

It's a happy day on Happy St.

Reese & Ryan have split up! Now if you'll excuse me while I do the dance of joy.

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Friday, October 27, 2006

A pointless Friday quickie

- I prefer "Bubblegum Bubblegum" over "eeny meeny miny moe" and "Inky Binky Bonky". It's the only one that encourages audience participation, and I think that's a good thing.

- On David Letterman’s nightly Top 10 list, why is the #1 answer always the least funny?

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Now this is unfortunate

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Looks like someone has a case of the haphazards, accidentals, and arbitraries:

- Sometimes I get House Speaker Dennis Hastert and actor Dennis Haysbert confused. To make things worse, Dennis Hastert kind of looks like former Illinois Secretary of State George Ryan, which causes me to get current Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White and actor Dennis Haysbert confused in a roundabout way. If Jesse White ever says “it is very bad to drink Jobu’s rum” or “that’s Allstate’s stand” during a speech, my head may explode.

- Okay, I’ll say it. That Michael J. Fox commercial freaks me out.

- I just read that the chances of winning the grand prize in the McDonald’s monopoly game are 1 in 4.5 trillion. Which means I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in my winning lotto ticket.

- Speaking of odds, what were the chances that NBC would have two pilots in the same season that revolved around the inner-workings of a sketch comedy show, and is it possible to be a fan of one or the other without being confused about which one you’re watching? A special thanks to NBC for making the titles similar.

- Okay, I’ll say it Part II. Joel Zumaya scares me. Not quite as much as Ray Lewis, but it’s getting close. The next prison movie that comes out should have Zumaya playing the Mexican group leader.

- Since the E! Channel cut down on the number of SNL reruns it airs at night, I can now come up with exactly zero reasons why that channel still exists.

- I looked up my own name on Wikipedia and it brings me to a guy from California who is younger than me who develops video game software. If this info was put there by anybody other than him, I may have to kill myself.

- I think I can go turn on the television right now, flip through every channel I have, and there’s a better than 90% possibility that I’d be able to find some version of Law and Order on. And yet I don’t know a single person that watches any of them.

- I think I may have accidentally discovered that my right foot is bigger than my left. About a year ago, I bought a pair of dress shoes with no laces and I noticed that the left shoe was loose on my foot while the right shoe fit snuggly. So I simply chalked it up to a defective shoe. But last week, I bought a new pair of the exact same style and am now having the same problem. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


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National Novel Writing Month

November is National Novel Writing Month. What is National Novel Writing Month, you ask, obviously having not clicked on the link provided? National Novel Writing Month is a month in which the founders of National Novel Writing Month are asking that any aspiring writers dedicate themselves to writing a novel.

Do you have the dedication to write a 175 page, 50,000 word novel in 30 days? Neither do I. But I thought it might be fun to try. So I'm going to. You should too. We here at 1 Happy St. will have the link to the National Novel Writing Month webpage up on the menu to the right for the duration of National Novel Writing Month.

I'm not saying that I will finish my novel. In fact, I'm guessing that if you ask me how my novel is coming on November 20th, I'll probably look at you like you're speaking dolphin. Nonetheless, I'm registered and jacked up about writing lots and lots and lots of words. Can you tell?

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Today's coffee spit

It’s time now to play a game I like to call “Coffee Spit”. It’s where I take a quote in the newspaper from a sports figure, politician, or basically anyone in the news, then tell you who would have spit out their morning coffee in shock after having read it. For example, years ago, I could have used the quote from Bill Clinton when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, at which point Monica Lewinsky would have spit out her coffee. See? It’s a real simple game and loads of fun.

- “A lot of things were drive-killers [in this game],” said Miami Dolphins quarterback Joey Harrington following their loss to the Packers. “We had dropped balls, penalties, a lot of things.”

All of his wide receivers spit out their coffee.

- “Well, it’s like, you know, everybody does it,” said former Cubs manager Dusty Baker when asked his opinion about Kenny Rogers. “So like Tony LaRussa, I wouldn't have done anything either.”

Every GM that had him as a managerial candidate spits out their coffee.

- Citizens of South Korea attended a pro-United States rally on Tuesday, which included the burning of the North Korean flag, as well as pictures of leader Kim Jong Il. “We support the United States,” said South Korean citizen Liu Kim.

All radical Muslims spit out their coffee.

- “It’s one thing to cheat and get away with it,” said former Major League pitcher Tommy John. “But it’s another thing to be so blatant about it like Kenny was.”

Barry Bonds spits out his steroids.

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There are few things as humbling as throwing up at work. Today I'm pretty humble.

I'd been nursing a pretty nasty chest cold for the last week, so I went to the doctor yesterday. She gave me a 5-day antibiotic, so it's pretty strong. It said to take it with a meal, so I took it at lunch. I got two sandwiches from Wendy's to be sure it would have lots of food to digest with. That turned out to be an unwise decision. About an hour later, I was worshipping at the porcelain altar.

By the way, I want to take this time to send out special thanks to my friend and co-worker Doug, who could have kept the fact that he heard the sounds of yacking thru the bathroom door to himself, but instead thought it better to wait for me to come out so he could announce to the world that Greg just got done chucking. Gracias, Doug.

Ironically enough, the antibiotic seems to be working and I'm feeling a lot better today. However, I just took another one with a Sausage McMuffin so I'll let you know if I take a turn for the worse in about an hour. Or Doug will.

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Monday, October 23, 2006

There's only one man who would dare give me the randoms

- I really can’t blame Kenny Rogers for making up that nonsense about not knowing what was on his hand last night. If I pooped on my hand, I wouldn’t tell people about it either.

- I can’t wait for the Redskins to give Lance Briggs a max deal this off-season, even though he is currently playing in a system that makes it nearly impossible for an outside linebacker to not have inflated tackling stats.

- Then again, this may be my way as a Bears fan to downplay the fact that the Bears will be without one of their Pro Bowlers on defense next year.

- I saw "Jarhead" on HBO over the weekend. An entertaining movie, but I can’t recommend it because there was no warning beforehand of the over-the-top use of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man-butt.

- Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with Jake’s man-butt. But at least give me a warning beforehand so I can prepare for it.

- I’m willing to jump on board that rhythm is a dancer, but you will never convince me that it’s also my soul’s companion. I mean c’mon.

- I love it when a media guy says that a certain athlete "needs to shut up and play". Isn’t the athlete just answering a question from a different media guy?

- Yes, that was me two random’s ago referencing an awful early-90’s dance song. That was also me using the word "random" as a noun. Or was that a pronoun?

- I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel with a guy named "Obama" as President. It’s just too close. Couldn’t he change his last name to "Miller" or something?

Friday, October 20, 2006

A few brief Random's

-Whenever a ghost in a movie tries to grab an object, their hand always waves right through it. So why don’t they ever fall through the floor? You’d think movie ghosts would have to hang out in basements (courtesy of Jill).

-I don’t know how to pronounce the rapper Fabolous’s name. Do I pronounce it just like it’s written, or is it just a clever spelling? I’m also not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-I want to hire a driver for my car and ask them to drive really slowly, then I’ll sit in the back seat and wave out the window like I’m in a parade. But I want to do this all the time.

-Weird Al is about to release a new album, 25 years after his debut. I can still recite most of the lyrics to “Eat It”. I’m not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-Every week, the Monday Night Football crew goes to all that trouble of putting a microphone on a key player, but all we ever hear is "Wooo, I'm coming all day Baby, I'm coming all day" or "This is our house Baby, this is our house!" or the immortal "WOO! YEAH! WOO! WOO! YEAH!". So why do the Producers even bother anymore?

-My least favorite part about returning home from a long vacation is that very first time a hundred dollar bill seems like a lot of money again. It usually takes a couple days and it most likely happens at the grocery store.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Licensed to Il

Everyone has their panties in a twist over Kim Jong Il and North Korea with nukes. To quote the patron saint of 1 Happy St, Vincent Antonelli, "where you see a problem, I see potential."

North Korea has the bomb. Now Japan will want the bomb because N.K. only has the rocket power to make it that far. N.K. will bomb Japan. Japan will bomb China. China will bomb South Korea. An American wins the National Spelling Bee.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

If sports figures really spoke the truth

Lou Piniella, after a brief 1-year hiatus as baseball manager, was given a 3 year, $10 million contract to manage the Chicago Cubs. “I’d love to give you the traditional spiel that we’re gonna turn this thing around and finally give Cubs fans something to cheer about,” said Piniella in his introductory press conference. “But let’s be honest. That ain’t gonna happen. This team sucks. They’ll always suck. And that’ll never change. But hey, I’m not turning down 10 million dollars.”

Upon hearing the news that Steve McNair would be available to play in their next game, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick said, “Damnit! Why doesn’t this guy just die already?”

Recently hired Cubs manager Lou Piniella was asked his feelings about his former colleague Steve Lyons being fired from Fox for making fun of Piniella’s Hispanic heritage. “I’m not offended at all,” said Piniella. “He was just kidding........Wait, I’m Hispanic? I always thought I was Italian. Interesting. Yeah, that is offensive.”

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez was asked if he would veto a trade to the Cubs, where he would join his old Mariners coach Lou Piniella. “No I wouldn’t,” said Rodriguez. “But I would veto a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie scares me and I’m a big p____.”

Matt Leinart finished with a decent performance in his Monday night debut for the Cardinals, but was in no mood to critique himself afterwards. “Go talk to our kicker if you want a good quote about performance,” said Leinart. “Then go ask Coach why he called all those pass plays in the 4th quarter. Then ask Edge why he couldn’t hold onto the ball when a running play was finally called. Then find our kicker again and ask him to go kill himself. Then go ask Pete Carroll if I have any eligibility left. Then ask Nick Lachey to have those women ready in my room when I get there.”

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Studio 60

I'd been reserving judgement on the new NBC drama/comedy, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I figured I'd give it a couple weeks to settle in and let the series get some of the kinks out. After it's fifth episode last night, I figured I could review it fairly.

The new series on NBC (Mondays at 10/9 central) follows the writers and cast of a SNL-type late night show also called "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip". Five episodes in, writer and producer Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing) has made the relationship of Matthew Perry's character and his star Harriet Hayes (Sarah Paulson) the main plot line. Perry's character, Matt Albie, has been clearly established as the venomous left-wing writer and producer of Studio 60, while Paulson's is his talented Evangelical comedienne ex-girlfriend. Watching the two characters duke it out for 5 weeks about her faith and his lack of respect for it, one wonders how they ever talked about anything else when they were dating. Nonetheless, Sorkin expects us to suspend disbelief and accept that these two were once an item. She was apparently so attracted to Albie's writing talent that she never noticed that half of his jokes were at her expense.

But these are the things you put up with when watching a Sorkin vehicle. He is quite talented at writing snappy dialogue and makes his characters seem smart and witty, but he has failed repeatedly at writing a believable romantic storyline. Sorkin first tried writing a love story in SportsNight, his first network series revolving around the production of an ESPNesque sports news program. Frankly, I don't think I'd find any romance involving Felicity Huffman very believable. He also tried several times to spark non-platonic relationships on his second series, The West Wing, but none of them ever worked. Sorkin is at his best when he simply lets his characters do their jobs. He should leave the contrived love stories to the folks at All My Children.

All this being said, I'm still hanging with the show for the time being. It has its ups and downs. The behind-the-scenes look at late night variety television has been intriguing. Surprisingly, some of the sketches portrayed on the show appear funnier than anything we've seen on SNL in some time (but I suppose that's not really saying much). Some of the supporting cast (DL Hughley, Timothy Busfield and Amanda Peet) has been fun to watch. However, Steven Weber (who, even if he was to discover the cure for cancer, will always just be "the guy from Wings") overacts in each of his scenes like a hyper-active 5 year old at the Christmas pageant. On the flip side is Bradley Whitford, as the most boring cocaine addict you'll ever meet. In fairness, Sorkin hasn't really given him a storyline yet. I suppose it's only a matter of time before Whitford's character begins pining for the chubby PA.

The series still seems to be a little too much in awe of itself that there's a Christian character. I suppose that once Sorkin gets his typical Christian-bashing out of his system and just lets the show be about the show, it could be a pretty decent program. But after last night's episode, we may be waiting a while.

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Oops I crapped my pants

After watching last night's Bears game, I will admit I kind of felt sick to my stomach. I wasn't sharing the same joy that most of Chicago was probably feeling after witnessing whatever that was that we had just witnessed. The reason was because I knew I was going to have to wake up to all the Chicago sports columnists (Jay Mariotti) that were sure to focus on what the Bears didn't do rather than what they did do [quick note: Jay Mariotti did not disappoint]. But is that really fair? Is it so wrong to enjoy a 6-0 football team, regardless of how they came to be 6-0?

Consider this: If the Bears make it to the Super Bowl and play like they played last night, but still win the game, would I really care that they played like crap, or would I just be happy that they won the Super Bowl?

Consider this too: they won on Monday night for the first time since 1997, it was on the road against a decent team, they're still undefeated, and they did all this while Rex Grossman played with a load in his pants. I would imagine it's quite difficult to play football with a load in your pants, particularly when you're the quarterback. So maybe we should be giving credit where credit is due.

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Monday, October 16, 2006


I like the word 'trousers'.

That is all.

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Getting back in the swing

This last week has given us a handful of potential fantasy team names for the 2007 baseball season. With help from Donald, here are some of my front-running favorites:

- Cory Lidle’s plane

- Sutcliffe’s African Clooney

- Juan Uribe’s Jeep

- Playoff A-Rod

- Magglio’s Barber

- Lou Piniella’s hat

- Steve Lyons’ wallet

Let’s hope this upcoming week is as giving as the last week has been.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Greg's In & Out List - Fall '06

In: Football season
Out: Baseball playoffs

In: Sony Walkman
Out: Apple iPod

In: Fitting all your MySpace friends on one page
Out: Accepting friend requests from total strangers to inflate your numbers

Out: Chiropractors
In: Vicodin

Out: Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL)
In: A gay Congressional page

In: Dwight & Angela
Out: Jim & Pam

In: The unpredictable weather of Fall in the midwest
Out: Going to Hawaii for a week and a half

In: Lloyd Carr
Out: Guys who wear sweater vests

In: Binge drinking
Out: Remembering where you left your pants

Out: $5 prostitutes
In: Penicillin


In: Poppy Montgomery
Out: Evangeline Lilly

Out: Cowboy hat
In: Urban Sombrero

Out: Trying to concentrate on a Friday afternoon
In: Writing a silly blog instead

In: Sterility
Out: Surprises

In: Vertical stripes
Out: Plaid

Out: Whistling
In: Humming

Out: The Robot
In: The Cabbage Patch

Out: Hi-C Juice Box
In: Capri-Sun

Out: Hakuna Matata
In: Dinkin Flicka

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