Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Did you hear Hawk Harrelson's orgasm last night?

Hawk had an orgasm in the booth when The Cuban no-longer-swings-and-missles hit that grand slam last night. It was a pretty cool moment, unless you're a non-White Sox fan. If you're a non-White Sox fan, I'm pretty sure that moment was what you'd imagine the gates of hell to be like. Which just goes to show you, one person's hell is another person's heaven. Turns out that heaven for me is Hawk Harrelson having an orgasm. Odd.

Anyway, the White Sox PR Director (?) Brooks Boyer is asking fans that attend tonight's 1-game playoff against the Twins to dress in all black. Gimmicky? Yes. Kinda cool? We'll see. Do they mean pants too? Who has black pants that aren't dress pants? I sure don't. So you're probably going to see a lot of black shirts and blue jeans. I have no idea what that'll look like. They're handing out 40,000 black towels though, so look for that too.

So all the fans will be dressed in black, which is why I think it's interesting that Nick Blackburn is starting for the Twins. Regardless of the outcome, you can bet that tomorrow's newspaper headlines will reference that in some way.

And it'll be gay.

Let's hope the White Sox don't get Blackburned.

Yeah, something like that.


[ED: Griffey has to beware of the fake pickoff move tonight. And if you know why, consider yourself a friend of mine for life]

Monday, September 29, 2008

My cousin hanging with Crazy Bones and Sweaty Garcia

Yeah that's my TWENTY year old cousin on the right in both of those. What the [bleep]? How does that happen?

Sarah Palin = Miss Teen South Carolina?

When watching Sarah Palin being interviewed by Katie Couric, weren't you a little bit reminded of this:

"Recent polls have shown that 1/5th of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like in such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

[ED: After a quick internet search, it turns out I am the 7 millionth person to point this out since it aired. Figures estimated, but just barely.]

Friday, September 26, 2008

One more boring bank thought before I leave for the weekend

I watched Bush's speech Wednesday night. How could I not? I was all set to watch David Blaine perform a non-trick for 2 hours, but it was being interrupted. So I decided to listen to the message. After all, he was speaking to the American public, and I'm the American public. I figured he'd dumb down the words to make it easy to understand for the lay person, and true to form, he did exactly that. But one of the things he said stuck out to me.

I'm paraphrasing here, but in regards to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, he said their downfall was the result of the perception that they were being backed by the Federal Government which caused questionable investments. You know because hey, if your investment is being backed by the government anyway, who really gives a fuck if it fails? He may or may not have said fuck.

Okay think about that for a second. Let the words stew around in your brain.


Uh, hello, they WERE backed by the government!!!! They failed and the government bailed them out! Maybe that wasn't the design, but that's exactly what happened.

Am I the only person who finds that funny? I'd have to be, right?

Okay, have a good weekend.

They'll close us up today - 5-4-3-2-1 - son of a...

Via here: In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, the Federal Deposit Insurance Co. seized Washington Mutual's assets Thursday. The FDIC then quickly sold most of their assets and liabilities to JPMorgan.

Rich get richer? How does that happen? How does JPMorgan get first dibs? Were there even dibs or was this worked out beforehand? So many questions, no answers.

Simply put, WaMu was victimized by a classic "run on the bank." Customers withdrew $16.7 billion in a 10-day period following the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers, leaving WaMu "with insufficient liquidity to meet its obligations".

I friggin told you. Eleven days ago, I told you. I made that reference to "It's a Wonderful Life" in this post where I asked that the banks not take Mr. Potter up on his offer and I asked that you not remove your money from your bank. But nobody listened. You withdrew and WaMu was seized, making this whole situation even more EF'd. Damn you. Damn you to hell.

The sobering truth, however, is that repeated declarations about the sanctity of FDIC insurance from Bair, President Bush, Treasury Secretary Paulson, Fed Chairman Bernanke and others failed to quell concerns among WaMu's customers. That suggests more "bank runs" could be in the offing unless the government moves quickly to restore confidence.


A Few Good Assets

From the Banc Investment Daily (whatever the hell that is). The following is an exerpt of the actual speech from Ben Bernanke at his Congressional testimony:

"Senators, we live in a world that has bonds and bad construction loans and those assets need to be bought by men and women with balance sheets. Who's going to do it - you, Chairman Dodd? You, Senator Schumer?

I have a greater responsibility than you can’t possibly fathom. You weep for Bear Sterns and curse the banks just trying to get their collateral; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Lehman's bankruptcy, while tragic, probably saved firms. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves markets.

You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me buying assets - you need me buying assets. We use words like “foreclosure,” “Discount Window” and “TARP.” We use them as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a group of media hungry politicians who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very liquidity I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you purchase a defaulted option arm and pay par.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think the American taxpayer is entitled to."
Wow, he's quite the radical. This situation may call for a Code Red.

More overheard in the office

Person 1: "Hey did they give you any plastic knives with that?"
Person 2: "No, just spoons."
I'd say that's pretty ironic. Don't cha think?

Overheard in the office

"I'd be much better at my job if I knew what I was doing."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah I can see how that'd be a hindrance. But everyone knows when all else fails, you fake it.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

You need a kleenex for that? Or a beach towel?

Whenever I blow my nose, I strive to make the clown's horn sound. It never fails to get good laughs.

It really sucks to be at work with a head cold. I took some of that Mucinex stuff which Jill said would suppress my cough. Huge understatement. All day long my face has looked like someone just poured a bucket of water on me. Only it wasn't a bucket of water; it was a bucket of nasty mucus. Have I painted a clear enough picture for you? Is that how you spell mucus? It doesn't look right. Let's call it phlegm. Is that how you spell phlegm? Why isn't it spelled flem? I think I've talked about that once before. It's funny that mucus and phlegm are both hard to spell. We should come up with a new word for the stuff that's in your throat during a head cold. How about bunk? It's easy to spell. It sounds nasty. Man I've been coughing up bunk all morning. I like it.

Jill's the best. She had already gone off to work by the time I woke up, but she had all kinds of meds lined up on the counter waiting for me. The problem though is that I'm a complete moron who can't take care of himself and I don't read instructions. She didn't line them up for me so that I'd take them all. No, she lined them up so that I could pick and choose which one's to take based on my symptoms when I woke up. So when I got into work, she called me and our conversation went like this:
Jill: Oh, you made it, good. How do you feel?
Me: Like I was hit by a bus. But getting better.
Jill: Did you take something?
Me: Yeah, I took the Motrin. And the Mucinex. And the Afrin.
Jill: Wait, ALL of those?.
Me: Uh.....yeah.
Jill: You weren't supposed to take all of that.
Me: Oh.......should I be worried?
Jill: Um........I'm sure you're fine.

How hasn't Darwin found me yet?

I feel bad for her though because by the weekend, I'm gonna feel great and she's gonna feel like how I felt yesterday and today. Sorry Jill.

The NFL Draft was his El Guapo

The Lions finally fired Matt Millen. It was long overdue, but I'm kinda sad. As a Bears fan, he was the guy who kept screwing up the roster of one of the teams I was rooting against. You never want a guy like that to lose his job. Plus he looks like my sister's former father-in-law which was kinda cool. But to Lions fans, he was the moron who couldn't draft. Out of his eight 1st round picks from 2001 until 2007, four of them were Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, and Ernie Sims. Having one of those four on your resume' isn't good. Having all four is a complete frigging disaster. But could it be that he was finally getting better at drafting players? He picked up an OT last year which was nice, and the WR he got the year before that may be one of the best in the league. But he won't be remembered for either of those picks regardless of how they pan out. No, he'll be remembered as the guy who drafted four WR's in six years with his 1st pick. A cynic would say "why would you use your 1st pick on the same position so many times? Isn't that an admission that you kept screwing up?" That's fair, but I prefer to look at it as Winston Churchill would: "he continuously screwed up until he got it right". Yeah I think Winston Churchill said that.

Eh, what do I know? So long Matt.

Follow-up note: this entry was nothing more than an excuse to use the term "El Guapo". My apologies.

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This sketch has new meaning now, doesn't it?

Thanks for finding the video for us, Erin!

Scene: a typical American kitchen. A husband (Steve Martin) and wife (Amy Poehler) are puzzling over their finances.

Wife: Oh, I just can’t get these numbers to add up.
Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.
Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?
Salesman: [entering from who-knows-where] Maybe I can help.
Husband: We sure could use it.
Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.
Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.
Salesman: Well, you’re not the only one. Did you know that millions of Americans live with debt they can not control? That’s why I developed this unique new program for managing your debt. [Holds up book] It’s called, "Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford".
Wife: Let me see that. [Reading from book] If you don’t have any money, you should not buy anything. Hmmm … sounds interesting.
Husband: Sounds confusing.
Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you've "saved".
Husband: Give me that. And where do you get this "saved" money?
Salesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.
Wife: OK, what if I want something but I don’t have any money?
Salesman: You don’t buy it.
Husband: Let’s say, I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyway?
Salesman: No.
Husband: Now I’m really confused.
Salesman: It’s a little confusing at first.
Wife: What if you have the money, can you buy something?
Salesman: Yes.
Wife: Now, take the money away. Same story?
Salesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.
Husband: I think I’ve got it. I buy something I want, then hope that I can pay for it. Right?
Salesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.
Husband: Oh, then you buy it! But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?
Salesman: No.
Wife: Why not?
Salesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless and the book is free.
Wife: Wow. I like the sound of that.
Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Announcer: So, get out of debt now. Write for your free copy of "Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford" And, if you order now, you’ll also receive, "Seriously, If You Don’t Have the Money, Don't Buy It" along with a twelve month subscription to "Stop Buying Stuff" Magazine. Order today.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Frito Mr. Lust! Frito Mr. Lust!

Via here:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charging an extra $3 to pour cheese topping into a bag of Fritos recently led to a scuffle at a Tinley Park gas station.

At about 6:16 a.m. Friday, Darryl Lust Jr., 25, was waiting in line at a Speedway to buy a can of ice tea and bag of Fritos oozing with cheese. When the manager told him he'd have to pay a few more bucks for the topping, Lust wouldn't say whether he was willing to foot the extra cash, according to a police report. The manager then threw Lust's creation in the garbage.
That's when Lust knocked over the can of ice tea toward the manager, who came around the counter toward Lust to calm him down, police said.

The manager told police Lust pushed him to the ground and got on top of him. Another man at Speedway subdued Lust by using the wrestling move called a half Nelson until police arrived. Lust told police he never had to pay extra money for cheese at other gas stations and thought the manager was singling him out.

Police charged him with battery and disorderly conduct. He's due in a Joliet courtroom Oct. 8.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Half nelson's, Frito's oozing with cheese, disorderly conduct charges......


Darryl Lust Jr. shouldn't be getting arrested. He should be getting an award for creating a snack food that sounds like a small slice of heaven. I have to admit, it takes some balls to grab a bag of Frito's from the shelf, open up that son-bitch right there in the store, then take some melted cheese and pour it in the bag. But the man should be celebrated for it, not arrested.

Beating a Live Horse

Does anybody else find it funny that the man who's asking us to trust him with $700 billion is the same man who asked us to trust him that bailing out Fannie and Freddie would stabilize the economy?

Paulson: "I need $700 billion. Trust me, I can fix this."
Senate: "You said that last time."
Paulson: "I've grown since then."
Senate: "It was a month ago."

I love the idea of more government oversight, but I hate the idea of putting "more" and "government" in the same sentence. Is there any way they don't screw this up?
Let's talk about something else, shall we? It's Jill's and my anniversary this weekend. We're thinking about going to Lake Geneva or Galena, but are open to any other suggestions.

I think Old Guy is on to me. He hasn't called me Mike in a while and I think I know why. Neighbor Zach from 2 doors down has spent a lot of time with Old Guy the last couple weeks doing work around his house and I think he may have called me Brian a few times. I'll keep you posted if my cat is out of the bag.

What does that mean, cat out of the bag? What cat and what bag? And what sick-o is putting cats in bags to begin with? Wouldn't the phrase make more sense and be more humane if it was "let the cat out of the carry-all"?

Go White Sox!

I'm turning off the radio and reading only sports from now on

Do you have a job?
You got money?
Do you have any prospects?
You got anything on the horizon?
Um, no.
Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
I like to get the Daily News.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Costanza had it right. I'm going back to bed. Oh no wait, I can't. I have to get back to work and help with this bailout.

Eh, such is life.

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Monday, September 22, 2008

For my next trick, I will [arbitrary stunt] for no reason whatsoever for [arbitrary amount of time]. Oooooooooooo

Right now as I type this, David Blaine is suspending himself upside down above Central Park. He's going to continue suspending himself upside down above Central Park for 60 straight hours. He started this morning and his plan is to end some time Wednesday night. With this "trick", he will prove once and for all that.......I have no idea.

Didn't you use to like him when he did card tricks?

I'll take your tax dollars or my name ain't AIG

Here is a letter sent to the NY Times found here:
Dear Mr. Bernanke and Mr. Paulson:
My student loans are too big and it is hurting the economy. Can I have a bailout, please? I need $92,000.


Nathan Kottke
St. Paul, Sept.17, 2008
Obviously Nathan was going for humor there. But wouldn't it be great if Bernanke read that in the Times and then responded to him with something like "Hi Nathan, thanks for the inquiry. Your tax records show you're middle class, so I'm sorry, we cannot help you at this time. But stay strong and good luck on the foreclosure, Love Ben."

That'd be awesome. Sometimes humor goes a long way.

A clinching day at Wrigley through the eyes of a White Sox fan

I mentioned on Friday that I'd be showing myself at Wrigley Field on Saturday to watch the Cubs clinch the division. I also mentioned that rather than blaspheming all day, in my head I'd be daydreaming that I was winning at poker in Vegas. Everything went according to plan; I caught a nice run of cards right in the beginning and was working off a tall stack the entire day. I got cold cards in the middle there, but after 3 hours or so, I was up big and was able to walk away happy.

There's the whole crew; clockwise from the left we have me sporting a ridiculous hat and shirt (yeah I have a beer in my hand; it was one of many to help drown out the impurities), followed by Jill, Tommy, Elaine, and Jill's Dad and Mom.

That's local boy Vince Vaughn throwing out the first pitch. For some reason he was allowed to do it twice. The first pitch bounced before making it to home plate, but since he's Vince Vaughn, he got a do-over. Unfortunately for the guy sitting next to me in my daydream, he didn't get a do-over when he went all in on the 2nd hand with a pair of 6's. Dumbass.
I snapped out of my daydream long enough to toast with my fellow Chicagoans. I have to tell you, flashing back and forth between actual heavy drinking and daydreaming that you're winning at poker is a great way to spend an afternoon. It's also a good way to get yourself committed. But hey, as poker legend Doyle Brunson once said, "drinking heavily and daydreaming of poker is a great way to spend an afternoon." I defy you to prove to me that he didn't say that.

The picture here doesn't do this guy justice, but he's holding a beer in his left hand too. Dude, they're not gonna run out; this is Wrigley. Interesting note: that guy is holding $20 worth of beer. You think baseball teams don't make money? All game long, 40,000 people are paying $20 for $1 worth of Old Style. Yowza!
Vince sang the 7th inning stretch and walked across this catwalk 3 or 4 times. He also inexplicably left his seat with 1 out in the 9th. The only excuse I'm accepting for him leaving when his team was 2 outs from clinching was that he was running down to the clubhouse to celebrate with the team. But since the Cubs were only up by 1 at the time and clinching wasn't guaranteed yet, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. As George Costanza once said, "manure is very refreshing". Yeah that doesn't really fit here, but he did say it. My topical quotes need some work.

Woo Hoo! They won! Hey, did you know that prior to this year, the Cubs hadn't made the playoffs two years in a row since 1908? I'd point out that 1908 was also the last year they won the World Series, but......never mind. Kill me.
Say what you want about the Cubs, but that sign is cool. I can't deny that.

I'm not sure what this picture is all about. Jill was in charge of the camera all day, so I'm guessing she just wanted to show that we were on Clark. The 1100 block to be exact. Why put it on this blog if it doesn't mean anything? I'm mysterious like that.

Ah, we're on Addison too. The corner of Clark and Addison. NOW it tells the whole story.

After the Cubs won, we celebrated with ZZ Top. It was a lot of fun. We reminisced about the good old days when Legs was topping the charts and Rick Sutcliffe was known for more than fawning over Erin Andrews. As Weird Al once said, "those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by but the memory stays. Those were the good old days."

He actually really did say that. I'm quoting busted Weird Al songs now. Which means I have to end this thing. But before I go, I will leave you with one more thought to ponder. The White Sox lowered their magic number to 5 over the weekend. The last time the White Sox and Cubs both made the playoffs in the same year was 1906, when an underdog Sox team dominated the Cubs in the World Series.

Just sayin'......

Saturday, September 20, 2008

It's like ray-ee-aaaain, on your wedding day

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Friday, September 19, 2008

If you lose every game, yeah that's pretty consistent

Before you leave for the weekend, I'd like for you to read something. Now it'll only be funny if you're a Lions fan. Wait, no. It'll only be funny if you're a football fan. If you're a Lions fan, it'll be tragic. Enjoy.

Try to pick a favorite part. Could it be where Millen says "what we're doing is the right thing to do"? Yeah that's good. But for my money, the best part is where Millen says that he believes in coach Rod Marinelli because "he's consistent". Excellent.

Matt Millen is the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're a Lions fan. Then he's 8 straight years of getting kicked in the nuts.

Conversation with a co-worker

Him: "See that's why I like you 'cause you always agree with me."
Me: "No I don't."
Him: "Yes you do."
I don't think he got it.

Hypnotized at Wrigley

I have tickets to the Cubs game tomorrow. And I'm going. And they have a chance to clinch. If they do, watch for me on the field afterwards celebrating. I'm trying to outdo Jimmy Fallon in 2004 as the most ridiculous on-field celebration in baseball history.

I figure I have two options: I could be "that guy" and wear my White Sox gear. Or I could embrace and participate in the drunken buffoonery with my fellow Chicagoans while pretending that I'm somewhere else. I'm choosing the 2nd option. So tomorrow, in my head I'll be sitting at a poker table in Vegas or something while cocktail waitresses bring me a continuous supply of Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions. You can't beat that really. So whenever a Cubs player gets a HR and the crowd roars, in my head I will have just beaten my opponent's ace/king suited. And every time a Cubs pitcher gets a strikeout, in my head I will have just layed down a monster while avoiding my opponent's made hand. And when Vince Vaughn is singing the 7th inning stretch, in my head I'll be.....well I guess I'll be singing along with him because that's friggin cool. I mean it's Vince Vaughn. But then when the Cubs finally clinch and I'm on the infield celebrating with Mark DeRosa, in my head I'll be cashing in a stack of chips or outside lounging by the pool.

Oh it's gonna be sweet.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

It's a cup.....with dirt in it. I call it cup of dirt.

William Yuan, a seventh-grader from Portland, OR, developed a 3-dimensional solar cell that absorbs UV as well as visible light. The combination of the two might greatly improve cell efficiency. William's project earned him a $25,000 scholarship and a trip to the Library of Congress to accept the award, which is usually given out for research at the graduate level.

William, your thoughts?

Well, "current solar cells are flat and can only absorb visible light. [What I did was] I came up with an innovative solar cell that absorbs both visible and UV light. My project focused on finding the optimum solar cell to further increase the light absorption and efficiency and design a nanotube for light-electricity conversion efficiency."

Ah, interesting. Actually, I still don't even understand what it is you developed. So I can go outside without a shirt on now?

"You're an idiot."

Fair enough.

Give me back my bay-bay!

Doesn't that girl up there look like Claire from Lost? Oh you don't watch Lost? What's wrong with you; it's the best show on TV. Well trust me when I say she looks like Claire from Lost.

Okay now click here. No just trust me. I'm not being bossy, it's gonna be worth it. But when you get there, make sure to read the caption. Oh, and good luck with your puke.

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Wrongly Accused

On my way into work, I was 2nd in line waiting at a red light. The light turned green, but there were still a few cars in the intersection, so we couldn't move yet. The impatient son-bitch behind us starting laying on his horn to get us to go, but there was nothing we could do. It was one of those long drawn out "beeeeeeeeeeeeeps" too, but there was nowhere we could go though so it was pretty pointless. After about 5 or 10 seconds, the intersection cleared and we started driving. As I was driving, I pulled around the guy who had been in front of me at the red light. I looked over at him and he was giving me the finger and mouthing some of the words that Ozzie Guillen uses when he talks to the media. Wait, WHAT?!? That wasn't me. I wasn't the beeper. It was the guy behind me.

There was no telling that to this guy though. His window was rolled up. So I got someone else's middle finger and curse words.

Bad start to Thursday.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Alaska - where countless men are prepared to take up an offer

Sometimes Fox News outdoes itself. Solid journalism right here. Oh wait, it's from the UK Sun. Well whatever, just a terrific get from whomever is responsible. That is not sarcasm; I mean it in all sincerity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eva Mendes has confessed to having sex in every state in America, the U.K.'s Sun reports ... but not with 50 different men.

"I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger," the actress, who is currently appearing in "The Women," reportedly said.

Of all 50 states, Mendes' fondest memories are of Arizona and Colorado.

"Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky. Whatever it was, it was really, really good," she reportedly said.

"But as for Alaska — I’d really like a do-over on that state", she added, according to the Sun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's say you know you're the guy from Arizona or Colorado; how great is your day today after reading something like that. I'd say it's the complete opposite feeling as the guy from Alaska. Then again he did have sex with Eva Mendes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Internet: still usefull after all these years.

Over the last decade, porn sites would get more hits than any other kind of site on the Internet. Today though, we still click on porn sites quite a bit, but it's no longer the most-viewed. Nope, it seems that social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook have overtaken porn as the most viewed web sites on the Internet.

2000 version of us: "I'd really like to look at a boob. Hey, there's one; on my computer. I love my computer. It lets me look at a boob whenever I want. God Bless the Internet."

2008 version of us: "I'm kinda sick of looking at that boob. I wish I knew what happened to that kid who moved away when I was in 3rd grade. Hey, there he is; he's a lawyer in D.C. and has 2 kids. Wow, he still looks the same. God Bless the Internet."
Good to see we're evolving.

Monday, September 15, 2008

If Mr. Potter offers you 50 cents on the dollar, please don't take it

If you have $100,000 or less stored away in a bank account, the FDIC will insure every penny of it. I think this was a program that was put in place back in the 1940's to give the American public the perception that if they put their money in a bank, some yahoo who works at that bank wouldn't lose it all with a poor investment like dying cattle or something. It was a good program then, and is a good program now.

Ah but guess what? That FDIC fund has roughly $50 billion to insure about $1 trillion in assets.

Just to be clear, $1 trillion > $50 billion.

Uh oh.
They'll never close us up today......5-4-3-2-1 BINGO!

You think I care about the swim meet?

Here is a couple pictures of the football field where Brian and I went to high school. Apparently there was a flood. Too bad September only has 30 days... (sorry, that's an incredibly inside joke)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Overheard in the office

"That's not what she said."
Yeah, it sounded weird.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I said don't touch me!

Ok. I'm officially a horrible person. This story cracked me up.

Soon after the lights went down, a source tells us, "a man in the audience started yelling, 'Don't touch me!' People looked around and shrugged. Ten minutes later, the voice yells again, 'I said don't touch me!'"

Again, people shrugged off the disturbance. But a few minutes later, says our source, "the guy stands up in the darkness and thwacks the guy behind him with a big festival binder. He hit him so hard everybody could hear it. Everyone freaked out and turned around."
Poor defenseless Roger Ebert got bitch slapped for tapping another film critic at a recent movie screening.

Apparently Ebert, who has suffered bouts of cancer that have rendered him unable to speak, was tapping the guy in front of him to move his humungus melon so Ebert could see the screen. The guy turns around and clocks Ebert with a Trapper Keeper. Dude hasn't apologized either.

Several questions...
Ebert isn't deaf. He heard the guy say "Don't touch me!" So why did he keep touching him?
Secondly, wasn't anyone else there with Ebert that could have told Big Head to move?
And why couldn't Ebert just slip the guy a note or something.. "Please move your head, I can't see the screen. Love, Roger."


Things I overheard today by the two girls who cut hair at SportClips

- I can't wait until baseball is over. I mean it's okay, but I'd much rather watch football. I was glad when Eli won last year. Or was that his brother?

My inner thoughts: It was the Giants, actually.

- Portillo's makes a great chopped salad, but Panera makes a salad that's even better. I can't remember the name of it. When you go there, can you call me and read off the menu?

- I know they say we should eat 3 meals a day, but you can't tell me you won't gain weight doing that. I stick to 2 meals. If I eat 3, I feel fat all week.

- I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'd like to lose 5 pounds. That's all I want. Just 5 pounds.

- (Talking to me now) What do you think? 5 pounds? How would I look?

Me: Are you serious? I really don't know. You'd look good. I mean you look fine now. I don't know.

- She is such a bitch. Pardon my language. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But her boyfriend comes in here like every night and just sits there, and she lets him. She's gonna end up getting fired. I'm surprised she hasn't yet. Jenny told me that she called in on Monday and left her hanging by herself all night.

- (Talking to me again) Did you want me to thin your eyebrows?

Me: My eyebrows? Um, no.

- (To me again) Some guys get it.

Me: Not this guy.

My inner-thoughts: Wait, what's wrong with my eyebrows?
There were more but I can't remember them. It was awful. Worst haircutting experience of my life, and sports were showing at the time.

It may be a while before I make my way back in there.

Her experiences "Palin" comparison

As a child, Sarah Palin used to go hunting with her dad; she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin smoked cannabis as a youth (no she didn't; she smoked weed); she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin isn't elitist. She's a hockey dad. Er, mom. (by the way, hockey mom? what the hell is a hockey mom? first there was soccer mom, now there's hockey mom? aren't there any american sports that these moms can point their kids towards? why no baseball or football moms?)

Sarah Palin has never been to Europe; she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin didn't go to an Ivy League School; she's a common man. Er, woman.
Okay, I like her. I'd like to hang out with her. I wish her family lived next door to me. But can we please stop with this common woman bullshit? When did going to an Ivy League school become a negative? When did traveling the world become a negative?

This country has gone insane.

IM conversation with Donald

Brian(07:36:37): have you ever tried to type in a password to one of your programs, but you had an IM conversation up on your screen at the same time, so you ended up sending that person your password to something by accident?
Brian(07:36:46): I almost did that to you
Brian(07:36:59): you almost got a message from me that said brian123
Donald(07:37:08): people do that to me all the time
Brian(07:37:13): excellent
Donald(07:37:16): some people have gayyy passwords
Brian(07:37:21): better
Brian(07:37:40): iheartguys4
Donald(07:38:08): i can't recall

This really does happen all the time.

Follow-up note: One of the labels for this post is for Greg's benefit. See if you can find it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

One long random about ewers

What would it be like to be rich? I'm not talking about being a fringe millionaire. I'm talking about having hundreds of millions or even billions of dollars. What would that be like? Would I spend a lot of time contemplating pointless purchases like this one? The headline in that article says it all: Rare Islamic ewer expected to fetch over $5 million.

An ewer? What the hell is an ewer? Even after I read the article, I wasn't sure what it was. I figured I should probably look it up because what if someone brought it up to me later today and was like "hey did you see that ewer for sale for 5 mil?" and I'd be all "yes I did, but what exactly is an ewer?" and they'd be all "what's an ewer? are you serious?" and I'd be all "of course I'm not serious, I know what an ewer is. What do you think I am, some kind of moron?" and they'd be all "okay then, what is it?" Don't you just hate people who call you out like that? So I looked it up; the best I can tell is that it's some kind of pitcher. Like to pour things.

I doubt that the person who ends up paying $5 million for this one will use it for Kool-Aid though. But wouldn't that be awesome if they did? I'd love to have something like that just sitting in my house. I'd put it in my living room on top of a stereo speaker or something. People would come over and they'd look at it and be all "what the hell is that?" and I'd be all "oh, that's my ewer" and they'd be all "what's an ewer?" and I'd be all "I know, right? I didn't know either". And then I'd tell them that I paid $5 million for it. Yeah I took out a ridiculous loan. Then they'd ask me what the point of that was since everything I own put together isn't worth 1/10th that much and I'd say "Because I wanted to have this exact conversation".

Plus I needed something for on top of my stereo speaker and I'm sick of Pottery Barn.

Follow-up to this pointlessness: it's really hard to type the word "ewer". My fingers kept wanting to start with the "w". Try it out yourself. It's really hard.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Overheard in the office

Guy 1: "Man I can't wait 'til Friday......."
Guy 2: "Well you're gonna have to."
Guy 1: "Wait, why is that?"
Guy 2: "Do you have some kind of time machine that I wasn't aware of?"
Guy 1: "Oh I thought you meant because of some kind of.....never mind."

/Literal Fail

It's tough living in The Matrix

To keep in the spirit of insane scientific experiments, a team of biologists are closing in on bringing non-living matter to life.

Go ahead, click that link and read the article. And try to make it all the way through without wondering what the fuck it's about AND without putting your fist through your computer monitor. A team of biologists claim that they can now form a self-replicating, evolving system that satisfies the conditions of life, but isn't anything like life on earth now, but might represent life as it began or could exist elsewhere in the universe.

The money quote in the article IMO is this one from one of the molecular biologists: "One of the things that always comes up when people talk about life and universal qualities is water. But is water really necessary? What if we could design a system that works in something else?" - Jack Szostak

Um, guys? CANCER STILL EXISTS! Please cure something!

Honestly, what's next? Even Darwin would ask that we take a step back.

I'm a big fan of the Hadron. It's my favorite collider

So will the world end tomorrow? That's some people's fears. But it's not Mayan.


Can I really be concerned with something called a Large Hadron Collider? Are those even real words? Whenever I hear that science is trying to kill me, I always look to our Commander in Chief. And of this experiment, he said "what's this 'science' you speak of?"

So no, I'm not concerned.

Monday, September 08, 2008

More sports stuff. What is this, a sports blog?!?

I am going to give you a quick Q and A between the CEO of a Major League Baseball team and the host of a local radio show. I'm gonna modify one of the details from his answer and I want to see if you can guess which team he's the CEO for.
Q. What are the implications of the new ballparks in New York?

A. Gigantic revenue increases for the New York Yankees, who are particularly the ones that impact us. We’ve got to continue to find new revenue sources in order to keep up. We refer to [our ballpark] as the ‘Little Engine That Could.’ Well, the Yankees are building a gigantic bullet train. We’ve got to remember that we are in a competitive division and part of a special rivalry. We’ve got to generate the revenues we need to keep pace, as best we can, with a Goliath.
Okay, give up? Which team's CEO could possibly be complaining about the Yankees and their never-ending stream of revenue?

Why, it's Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino. The CEO of those pesky DEFENDING CHAMPIONS. The CEO of the team that has sold out Fenway Park every game since May of 2003. The team that 2 years ago paid over $50 million JUST TO BID ON A PLAYER. The team with a $133 million annual payroll. The team that charges $325 PER SEAT for their best ticket.

Yeah, sometimes it's tough to be the little guy.

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Some thoughts following Week 1 in the NFL

- Will the Lions EVER be good? They tried selling us on Charles Rogers, they tried selling us on Mike Williams, and now they're trying to sell us on Calvin Johnson. And Calvin Johnson just may be awesome, but it'll never matter. You can't build a football team from the outside in. You can have 1988 Jerry Rice lining up next to 1995 Steve Young (I should have looked it up first to see if those two years were Rice's and Young's best), but it won't matter if your o-line sucks. And you can have the best secondary in the league, but if you can't stop Michael Turner from rushing for 418 yards, what's the point? I guess Lions' fans will just have to accept the fact that their team is good enough to win 4 or 5 in a row, but they'll never win 10. Just an odd team.

- I can't wait until all the experts start telling us later this week that Brett Favre and the Jets should have no problem against a Patriots team that'll be without Tom Brady. Did you see Brett heave that ball into the endzone for a touchdown? You think that's happening against the Patriots defense? Yeah me neither.

- I'm in a fantasy league that has 2 starting QB's. What the [bleep] is that? And yesterday evening, one of the guys in my league was able to pick up Matt Cassel off the free agency list. Yeah there's no waiver process I guess. Anybody can cherry-pick the free agency list at any time, even if a game is going on. So all you'd have to do is wait for a starter to get injured and then immediately pick up his backup, which means the loser who watches football on Sunday from the comfort of his computer will have all the advantages. Yeah this league sucks. Can I be blamed if I eventually become "that guy who doesn't pay attention to his fantasy team who ends up starting 3 or 4 injured players by Week 5"?

- Remember prior to last year when we thought Carson Palmer was good?

- What's with that Southwest Airlines commercial with the 2-faced woman? She's at the ticket counter helping a guy and offering her airline's low rates and the guy is impressed, but then her head spins around and she's got this devilish face and now she's adding all kinds of fees. It's horribly creepy and didn't get any less creepy the 9th or 10th time I saw it.

- Go Bears! It didn't take long, but I'm back on the wagon. Well at least contemplating buying a ticket for it.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Some Obama info you may not have known

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Intoxicated man + wheelchair + baseball bat + convenience store = comedy

This kind of story doesn't come around all that often.
DALLAS -- A robber rolled into a convenience store armed with a bat and knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas 7-Eleven Wednesday afternoon, rolled straight toward the cash register and beat it with a baseball bat until it opened.

But he didn't grab any cash. Instead, police say he stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway.

Janse says the suspect may have been homeless and was likely intoxicated at the time of the robbery.
Are you funny enough to add a joke here? 'Cause I'm not.

Friday, September 05, 2008

A quick "I told you so"

Back in June, I said this:

We all know about the sub-prime mortgage crises. I've talked about it on this blog and I'm borderline retarded, so I have no doubt that you've probably read something about it from someone who's smart. But have you read anything about the possibility of a prime mortgage crises? Because I haven't. And even though nobody is talking about it, I see no way that we're not headed in that direction.Think about it - everyone was taking advantage of the housing boom 5 years ago. People who normally couldn't afford a mortgage were getting approved with ARM's and we've already seen the fallout from that. But what about the people who were approved for prime mortgages who were buying outside their means? I'm talking about the young 30-something couples who combined make $100,000 to $200,000/year but were getting approved for $800,000 mortgage loans. Who is going to pay for their $3000/month mortgages? Is the government prepared for that kind of bailout? Because it seems to me that a bailout of the prime mortgages will be a lot more expensive than a bailout of the subprime. And if that happens, we're all bleeped.

Okay, so just now, I read this:

More than 4 million American homeowners with a mortgage, a record 9 percent, were either behind on their payments or in foreclosure at the end of June, as damage from the housing crisis worsened, the Mortgage Bankers Association said Friday. But the source of trouble in the mortgage market has shifted from subprime loans made to borrowers with poor credit to homeowners who had solid credit but took out exotic loans with ballooning monthly payments.

I hate to brag about something like this because it's horrible news, but HA! Who's the man? It's me! I'm the man. I'm not even a mortgage guy. Or a finance guy. I'm just some dumbass. But it's nice to be right for once. Maybe I should make a prediction that actually benefits us all.

Okay how about this: I see no way that gas prices won't continue to fall. Between a lessening demand and promises in Washington of increased production, I see no way that gas prices won't continue to fall.

/My good deed of the day

Reason # 314 in an ongoing list that is currently missing #'s 1 thru 313 that I'm getting old

Kids who were born the year that Bobby Thigpen set the single-season saves record are starting their freshman year of college.

I remember 1990 like it was 18 years ago. It was the first summer of my lifetime that the White Sox were actually good (Follow-up note: I didn't include 1983 because I don't remember 1983, but to be fair, they were good in 1983), which meant a lot to me at the time because I was 11 years old. To an 11 year old like me, baseball is the most important part of your life outside of alcohol, cigarettes, and women. So here was my favorite team, battling a much better Oakland A's team for 1st place all summer long.

I recall only a few story lines from that season - Barry Jones being among the league leaders in wins at the All-Star break even though he wasn't even a starter (I'm sure I'm not even remembering this correctly), Carlton Fisk being their best player even though he was in his 40's, a really big guy joining the team in August who would absolutely crush the ball for 2 months (Frank Thomas), it being the last season at old Comiskey, and Bobby Thigpen saving just about every game they won. I don't remember much about Ozzie; maybe he wasn't all that crazy yet. Oh, I also remember my Uncle Joe coming over to our house one day wearing a t-shirt that had a drawing of a kid wearing a White Sox hat pissing on a Cubs hat. It was the first time I had seen this brand of humor, so I remember it going over real well. What a great shirt. Ha ha, a White Sox fan pissing on a Cubs hat. Good comedy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, alcohol and cigarettes. No wait, feeling old. Yeah so Bobby Thigpen saved 57 games that year. It was kind of a big deal I think because this was still in 1990 when people hadn't yet realized how stupid the save statistic was (and is). So 57 became the record that still stands today. Why do I bring this up? Because it's finally about to be broken. Francisco Rodriguez of the Angels, who has the dumbest nickname in all of baseball, has 54 saves as I type this with almost of month of games left. Barring a freak incident like a 29 year old White Sox fan pulling a Gillooly on his knee, he should break it some time next week or the week after, at which point a piece of my childhood will die.

But I suppose I'll look at the bright side. Right now there's an 11 year old Angels fan who is enjoying one hell of a season from his favorite team, and maybe 18 years from now, someone will be breaking K-Rod's record (I told you his nickname was dumb. Nowhere in his name is there a "K". Stupid, right?), and that current 11 year old Angels fan can bitch about how he's getting old.

And I'll be enjoying my late 40's. Late 40's are cool.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Overheard in the office

Guy 1: "Where'd you go for lunch?"
Guy 2: "That place with the thing."
Guy 1: "You serious? Why didn't you tell me?"
Guy 2: "I asked if anyone wanted anything but you weren't at your desk."
Guy 1: "Damn it. I've had a taste for a gyro all week too."

So apparently "that place with the thing" is a gyro place.


Rudy Giuliani, quit spitting on me

Thank goodness this isn't the man who's representing the republican party. What a jackass.

I have a serious question I'd like to pose to him, as well as to everyone who clapped when he said it. Do you really think that the biggest threat to the United States is terrorism?


That's our biggest threat? Not people losing their jobs or houses? Not the value of our money? Friggin' terrorism? Let's think about that for a second. How many people from the United States have died in the last 50 years as the result of a terrorist attack? I don't know the answer, I'm seriously asking it. Is it less than 5000? No, it's more? 10,000? I really don't know, but I would doubt it's more than that. I'd even doubt it's more than 5000. And most of those happened in 1 day. So putting that in perspective, there's over 300 million citizens of the United States, with countless millions more (actually it's probably not countless; I could probably look something like that up somewhere, but this is a stupid blog and I'm not a journalist) that have been citizens of the United States in the last 50 years. So what kind of problem is terrorism really?

It's a scary thought I guess, but not our biggest problem.


Also, Sarah Palin is wicked cool. Smart, smart lady. Regardless of who wins this thing, I'm just glad that our next President and Vice-President are going to be well-spoken.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The pitch meeting for the new 90210, as speculated by 1 Happy St

Studio Exec: So did you come up with an idea for a new show I asked for?

Producer: Not exactly. Well I did, but it’s not exactly new.

Studio Exec: I’m listening.

Producer: Okay so I was thinking that we could make a new version of 90210.

Studio Exec: I don’t understand. Like an adult version?

Producer: No we use a whole new cast. Well some of the old cast, but mostly new. I’m sure we could get Donna to come back in some role or another.

Studio Exec: I’m not sure that would work. That show sucked.

Producer: Yeah but it was a hit. Just remember, the American public is pretty stupid.

Studio Exec: That’s true.

Producer: All you really need is at least 1 super hot girl, at least 1 super good-looking guy, 1 cute girl next door type, and 1 uggo, and you’ve got yourself a hit.

Studio Exec: That’s really all it takes?

Producer: Of course. You remember the old version, don’t you? I’m thinking the new version will be just like that, with a little bit of Gossip Girl and Sunset Tan mixed in.

Studio Exec: What the hell is Sunset Tan?

Producer: Never mind that. So you in?

Studio Exec: I guess.

Producer: Oh, one more thing. I’m thinking that the series premier should run after everyone has gone to sleep. None of this primetime bullshit. Maybe midnight or something.

Studio Exec: What’s the point of that?

Producer: Even I don’t know the answer to that one. But there’s going to be a low-rent blog that tries to speculate what was said during this pitch meeting and I want to confuse him.

Studio Exec: Good thinking. You’ve got the green light from me.

Follow-up note from Brian: you might not understand the reference to airing the episode at midnight, but that's because it's only relevant if you live in Chicago. According to this article, WGN is the only CW affiliate who pushed back the start time and they did it because the Cubs had a night game. Well done, WGN. Way to screw your affiliate that has only 1 show that people watch.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Old Spice, Bristol Palin, and other Randoms

- Late last week I read a headline that said the price of oil had surged to $120/barrel and my first thought was "that ain’t shit". I’ve seen the cost reach ridiculously outrageous levels, so when it only reaches a mildly outrageous level, I’m no longer fazed by it. Perhaps I’m just tired of giving a shit.

- "I’m tired of giving a shit" should be a bumper sticker.

- There’s a guy who works for my company named Jesus Bueno. Good God, that’s funny.

- No comedy is better than going to a gay bar and asking a guy if you can help "push in his stool". Of course I can only think of 2 outcomes after doing it and neither seem pleasant.

- I wonder how many times Bristol Palin’s name has been google’d in the last 24 hours. She has to have set records, no? Too bad it’s not for political reasons. But I’d love for her mom or even John McCain to go on record saying something like "if you’re 17 and not having sex yet, you’re a friggin’ loser." That’d be awesome.

- On that note, remember that nearly every good quote has already been said. And the one’s that haven’t are probably stupid.

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A PSA from 1 Happy St

I hate when I’m the 2nd car stopped at a red light in the right lane when I have to turn right, but the busted 1st car is going straight. It’s especially frustrating if it’s a long red and there is no traffic coming from the left. Here we are just sitting when I could have turned right on red over a minute ago. In my opinion, if you’re the first car going straight at a red light and someone pulls up behind you who needs to turn, you have two options/responsibilities.

1. You pull up far enough into the intersection where the car behind you can go around you. Now obviously this could have repercussions. Pulling up too far into the intersection could put you in harms way. But in my opinion, it’s your own damn fault for picking the right lane when you could have just as easily moved over to the left before you got there. If you’re pulling up to a red light and you’re going to be first in line and the left lane is open, it’s your responsibility to check your rearview to see if there’s a car behind you with his signal on. If so, you’d better get the fuck to the left. And if you don’t, you’d better inch up and let that guy past. It’s simple etiquette. Now if you inch up BUT HE DOESN’T GIVE YOU A LITTLE WAVE as he passes, you then have permission to make the turn yourself and follow that son-bitch and harass him ‘til he acknowledges you ‘cause that was bullshit.

2. You make the turn yourself and then turn around at the first opportunity. This option doesn’t serve you all that well and could be dangerous, but again, it was your fault we’re all in this situation in the first place, so it’s on you to fix it.

So those are your two options. Of course you could choose option 3 – sit there like an idiot. But if the guy behind you ends up killing you, you have nobody to blame but yourself.