Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wasting time on a Thursday

Via here: John McCain and Barack Obama will be interviewed by [gulp] Chris Berman on Monday. Those interviews will air at halftime of the MNF game on ESPN and will "give both candidates a last major chance to appeal to Americans during a coveted spot on prime-time television."


For fun, I am going to predict how those interviews will go based on fairly obvious and unfunny characterizations of all 3 guys. Why am I doing this? Hey don't ask questions. Here we go:

Chris: "I'm being joined now by John McCain and Abel and Barack Olabama Crimson Tide. Thanks for joining me Gentlemen."

McCain: "The pleasure is all mine, my friend."

Barack: "I'm a socialist."

Okay I gave up. I was going to do a whole thing there, but I ended up working through lunch today and I just didn't have time. I never even came up with anything for Obama to say, so I just went with 'I'm a socialist'. Whatev's. I debated even publishing this, but it's here, so I said screw it. Feel free to predict the rest of the conversation if you'd like and post it in the comments.

And since I don't want to leave you here empty-handed, click the play button on the youtube clip below for a totally underrated 1990's song that you're sure to enjoy.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Synchronized debates

If you were only able to catch one of the debates, don't worry. You got the gist.

Via here

Wedding receptions, Evite, and other Randoms

I read a headline that says the White Sox won’t be picking up Ken Griffey Jr’s $16 million option for 2009. In other news, my boss denied my request to stay home from work for the next few months while still getting paid.

New drinking game: take a shot every time Mike Singletary says "team" during a post-game press conference.

Hey did you know that there’s a World Series going on? I knew there was one going on last week, but apparently there still is. Yeah I was shocked too. I guess you learn something new every day.

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. I already have bets for the reception on who will be the jealous single girl who wishes she was getting married instead as well as the over-served guy who dances too much, so really the only thing left to bet on is whether this will be the last song played, or this will be. I'm hoping for the latter.

Now that he’s becoming an elite NBA player, do you think any kids will start buying Rudy Gay’s jersey?

On that note, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, ask your manager to assign it to someone else.

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A TWSS overheard in the office

"What you have now in [Derrick] Rose is a guy who can penetrate and put the ball in."

Sometimes it's too easy. Although I'm of the opinion that if you're putting the ball in, you're doing it wrong.

Monday, October 27, 2008

No matter who you vote for next Tuesday, it'll be the wrong choice

A fantastically interesting read on the economy can be found in the Wall Street Journal today by clicking here. The article is written by Arthur Laffer, the napkin guy. I hate to keep mentioning the economy in this space, but it's an issue that effects all of us and will continue effecting all of us for a long time. So I'll recap the article's finer points by creating a fake Q and A between myself and Mr. Laffer.

Me: Arthur, love your work. You're a true patriot. First question, what are your thoughts on the government bailout?

Arthur: Well it's always a nice gesture to alleviate hardships. Buying defaulted mortgages and injecting capital into banks seems like a very nice thing to do. But you have to remember that the government doesn't create; it just redistributes. Whenever the government bails someone out of trouble, they always put someone else into trouble. Also, for every $100 billion in bailout money, the government spends at least $130 billion in taxes, where the $30 billion extra is the cost of getting government involved.

Me: No shit.

Arthur: No, none at all.

Me: I suppose you have some statistics that would back that up.

Arthur: Of course I do. You can read them all in the article. I'd cite them right now but I doubt you'd want to type all that.

Me: Good point. And thank you for your concern. Bottom line though is that you don't feel that a government bailout is the answer.

Arthur: No, I don't. But not only that, the bailout isn't the only thing they're proposing. Right now, they are preparing for a new $300 billion stimulus package in the next Congress. Each of these actions separately increases the tax burden on the economy and does nothing to encourage economic growth. Giving more money to people when they fail and taking more money away from people when they work doesn't increase work. And the stock market knows it. These plans are horribly short-sighted.

Me: Yeah I think we're seeing that right now. So the big-money question Mr. Laffer is this: if the economy is my #1 concern going into next week's election, for whom should I vote that would best serve my interests?

Arthur: You mean the country's interests? Or your interests?

Me: Ah, well played. The country's interests.

Arthur: Well Reagan's dead, and Clinton can't run. So between Obama and McCain, I'd choose option 3.

Me: What's option 3?

Arthur: Exactly.

Friday, October 24, 2008


This morning I wrote this: A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake).

This afternoon I read this: Police sources tell KDKA that a campaign worker has now confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter "B" in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

I'm beginning to hate life.

The present's made of Virtual Insanity

You may have already read this:
TOKYO: A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four questions pop into my head after reading that:
1. What the fuck?
2. I'm sorry, so did someone actually die?
3. Why didn't you stop at the bank this morning? You're leaving for out of town after work today and you have no money on you. This would have saved a lot of time.
4. Is that game rated "M"?

....but I feel fine

The market is so bad right now that they've stopped free trade. A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake). It's dark for the first hour or so that we're awake and it's only light for an hour or so after we get home. The frigging Tampa Bay Rays are representing the American League in the World Series.

I'm tired of doom and gloom. This is supposed to be a happy street. Do you have anything good you'd like to discuss? I'm open for anything.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Backstreet Boys should be killed, brokerage firms, and other Randoms

If something is fun, is it off the chain or off the hook? I can never remember.

We’ve known the man for nearly two decades. So why do some people continue to spell his name "Farve"?

I saw a baby with a piece of hard candy in its hand. I tried to take it from him, but that little guy was having no part of it.

Why are brokerage firms continuing to allow newspaper photographers into their office to take their picture while they look down with their hands on their forehead? That seems counter-productive to me.

Have you ever noticed that the sentimentality over jewelry is almost always linear to its value?

Why hasn’t the light ever gone out on my desk phone that indicates I have a voice mail? And if it ever does, how would I know?

Did you notice all the different rules on balls hit in play that Tropicana Field has? If it hits here, it’s a double. If it hits here, it’s a HR. If it hits here, it’s a foul ball. If it hits here, we kill a hobo. If it hits here, Longoria gets traded to the Yankees. Jeez, if there’s one team that needs a new stadium, it’s the Rays.

Speaking of the World Series, if ever there was a time where I’d condone murdering a singer as he/she was singing our National Anthem, last night would have been that time.

There has to be a better way for me to construct that last sentence. How about this: The Backstreet Boys should be killed.

I'm keeping it short today (that's what SHE said). So on that note, remember that you should always treat strangers with kindness, because you never know if that was only a 1st impression.

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The makers of this thing were either joking or joking

Those crazy Brits with their peeing dolls, creepy dads, and...never mind. Just watch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Unfortunate moments in restaurant thievery

Note to self: If you're going to ditch out on a restaurant bill just for kicks, make sure you don't accidentally leave behind your purse with your drivers license in it. Oh and your weed. Yeah keep those items close by. A restaurant probably won't dust for fingerprints over a ditched check, but they'll certainly dust for a DRIVERS LICENSE LEFT OUT IN THE OPEN!!!!!!

Another note to self: Quit carrying around a purse. You're a guy.

One final note to self: Pay your stupid restaurant bill next time. The chance of getting arrested certainly isn't worth $46 divided by 4.

Headline seen

Stocks slump for no f*cking reason whatsoever

Okay so I didn't really see that headline, but wouldn't it be appropriate? Just look at some of the stock market headlines that you see on a daily basis. Today the market slumped on recession fears. Okay, but what about yesterday? Wasn't there a fear of a recession yesterday? Yes there was. But that didn't stop the market from surging due to the announcement of a POSSIBLE stimulus package. A stimulus package that hasn't even happened. A stimulus package that has the same possibility of happening today as it had yesterday. I can't find headlines that go back that far, but I have no doubt that the market either slumped or surged on Friday due to something that's still true today. And same for last Thursday. And last Wednesday. And so on. And so on.

So what the f*ck?

They took 'er jerbs.


This last part was just for Jeremy. I have nothing left to add. I'm not even saying anything at this point. I'm on ski's looking down at a shark right now.

He remembers when rock was young. And he's a rocket man.

Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported earlier this week that Brett Favre called the Detroit Lions prior to their game against the Packers a couple weeks ago to share secrets about the Packers' offense. After that game (in which the Packers scored 300 points), players from Green Bay were pissed that Brett would do something like that. But then today during his weekly press conference, Brett denied the allegations that he ever called the Lions. He said that he did speak with Matt Millen, but it was Matt who called him. And they didn't discuss the Packers, they only talked about huntin'. And women. And huntin' and women. And killin' shit. And killin' women. And more huntin'. And gray beards.

Personally, I think this story is so played out.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.
Oh but he’s old and he’s wonderful.
Oh Bretty he’s really keen.
He’s got cowboy boots...and Wrangler jeans,
You know I read it in a magazee-HEEEN, oh oh.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.

They took er jobs

The Brewers essentially fired Dale Sveum.
The team said Friday that Dale Sveum is no longer under consideration to become manager. Sveum was promoted from his coaching position and served as interim manager after Ned Yost was fired with 12 games left in the regular season. The Brewers reached the postseason for the first time since 1982, but lost to Philadelphia in four games in the opening round of the playoffs.
I always think its unfair when the interim manager gets fired, but it seems especially unfair in this case. Here he was enjoying his job as an assistant coach when all of the suddedn the top guy got fired with only 12 games to go. So he got promoted to fill in for the last 2 weeks. Then the season ended, and now he's being fired completely. Isn't that unfair? Imagine a similar scenario at your job. Your boss gets fired, so the top executives ask you to fill in while they look for someone to fill the position. After they fill it, they fire you completely rather than letting you go back to your old job. Son of a.....

That sucks.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Jose Canseco: "My Bad"

Jose Canseco is saying that he regrets writing a book where he named names about who in MLB was using steroids. During the A&E Network program "Jose Canseco: The Last Shot," Canseco said he regrets mentioning players as steroid users and that he never realized it would blow up the way it did and hurt so many people. He said he wanted revenge on baseball because he believed he had been forced out of the game and the book was his means of getting even.

Hmm, that sucks that he feels bad. Maybe he can write a book about it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Also, Ben Gordon is better than Michael

One of the most mindless arguments I've ever found myself on the unpopular side of is my opinion that the Chicago Bears of today would kick the crap out of the Chicago Bears of 1985.

Yeah I have said those words out loud to Bears fans who were around in 1985 and remember that season vividly. And I was ridiculed for it. Perhaps justifiably.

In 1985, the Bears went 18-1 (including the playoffs and Super Bowl) and are generally regarded as one of the best football teams of all time. The Bears of today have lost 3 out of 7 games so far and have a defense that had no problem giving up 41 points on Sunday to a team that starts Gus Frerotte at QB.

So how could I possibly think that the Bears of today would beat the Bears of 1985? It's simple, really. And pretty mindless. But let me try.

Let's start with the defensive line. In 1985, they had a mixture of Steve McMichael, William Perry, and Dan Hampton on the inside with Richard Dent and I think Tyrone Keys on the outside. That's one hell of a defensive line. Today, they generally use 4 guys with Tommie Harris and Dusty Dvoracek on the inside and Alex Brown and Adawale Ogunleye on the ends. Not quite as good, right? But look at their sizes. In 1985, William Perry's listed weight was 315 pounds, which made him the only guy on the team to top 300. It even earned him the nickname "the refrigerator". Tommie Harris is currently listed at 305, but nobody is about to give him a nickname like that. And do you know why? It's because he is one of TWELVE guys on his team who weigh over 300 pounds. They're all bigger and faster now. Do you think those defensive linemen from 1985 could get pressure on Kyle Orton when they'd be going up against Roberto Garza at 6'2"/310, Josh Beekman at 6'2"/310, John St. Clair at 6'5"/315, John Tait at 6'6"/312, and Olin Kreutz at 6'2"/292? I really don't think so.

Let me do the same thing with the middle linebackers. In 1985, Mike Singletary played middle linebacker at 6'0", 230 pounds. Today, Brian Urlacher plays the same position at 6'4", 258 pounds. Oh, and he can also run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds*. Was there anybody in the league who was both Brian's size and who could run that kind of 40 yard dash back in 1985? No there wasn't.

My point is that at just about every position, athletes today are bigger, stronger, and faster. So while the 1985 Bears were miles ahead of their closest competition in 1985, they'd get pushed around pretty good in 2008.

Of course you could make the argument that if players back then were offered the same training programs from an early age that players get today, then this would be no contest. But isn't it fun to start a subjective argument that nobody can prove and one that gets people mad for no real reason? Yes. Yes it is.

I told you it was pretty mindless.

*EDIT: I should have put "he used to be able to run a 4.5 in the 40". It's clear that he's lost a step or nine this season. Poor Brian. It was fun while it lasted though.

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Excuse me, co-worker sitting on the other side of the wall......

All of us that sit within a 20 foot radius heard you during that 10 minute personal call that you just had with your spouse. You weren't quiet about it. In fact you were quite loud, almost as if you wanted all of your co-workers to know about your personal business. Well we didn't. And we certainly didn't need you to fill us in after you hung up. That was just awkward. For Everyone. Trust me. So can you do me a favor and click that arrow on the box above?


Roger and Iacocca and Me

General Motors has been in talks about a possible merger with Chrysler, a deal that could drastically remake the landscape of the auto industry by reducing the Big Three of Detroit automakers to the Big Two.

A merger would be a historic event, with two of the most iconic names in American industry coming together to survive in an increasingly difficult environment. Both have roots dating back decades in Detroit and, with Ford, long dominated the auto industry — until Japanese and other foreign car makers began making inroads into the American market.
It's like a man on welfare getting married to a woman on welfare.

Good or bad, at least there's a plan

"With the economy likely to be weak for several quarters, and with some risk of a protracted slowdown, consideration of a fiscal package by the Congress at this juncture seems appropriate." - Ben Bernanke

Anybody else get the feeling that the people in charge are just throwing darts at a list of options?

It doesn't take much to amuse me

Donald sent me that. It made me laugh. And posting it allows me to use a few labels that haven't been used in a while.

Great moments in astute observations

Headline seen: Analysis: Credit crisis isn't over yet

I can't help but click on a link that says that. I don't know about you, but I thought for sure that the crisis was over. I mean it's been a tough 2 weeks, hasn't it? If this thing lasts another week or 2, we're all gonna be screwed.

So I clicked on the link, and this is what I saw: Is credit crisis over? Not so fast. An astute observer says the financial system isn't anywhere close to a recovery...

For serious? Who is this astute observer who would make such a claim?

Hmm, could it be the guy who is upside down by hundreds of thousands of dollars and is having trouble making his mortgage payment? No, probably not him. He's an idiot. So could it be the guy who is upside down by hundreds of thousands of dollars and simply stopped making his mortgage payment? Hell no. He's a bigger idiot than the first guy.

I know it. It's that guy in America who has access to a computer or newspaper or television or radio. Yeah it's probably him.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Moments in unfortunate baseball press conferences

I'll leave it to Ken Tremendous for the follow-up after watching that video:

"You want to rephrase that, Matt?"

"Yes, I do. Ahem. When you get that nice celebration coming in the dugout, and you're getting your weiner diddled by the guys--"

"Okay, thanks. That's enough."

IM conversation overseen in the office

Guy 1: what state is it in?
Guy 2: keniticiut

Ooo, so close.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you'll find this funny, find this funny

I love this story:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed. Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.
It's funny because I always thought that song was actually about giving someone CPR.

Hey don't you wonder which song provides the best rhythm for sex? Surely it can't be anything by The Ramones, right?

[Edit: I hate being a joke explainer, but that might not make any sense. Songs by The Ramones are famous for being very fast and very short. Eh.]

He's dead you morons

This is the greatest 4 minutes in cinematic history. I will not dispute this.

We've all lost our minds

So does anybody know any good plumbers? I have a leak in a basement pipe that needs fixin'. He doesn't even need to be licensed. I'm not picky. I just need someone who can fix it.

Careful Mav, once you go black.......

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Drill baby, drill. Looks like we don't need to.

Back in mid-July, the cost of crude oil reached $147/barrel. At the time, OPEC blamed a weakening supply as the reason for the record cost. We knew better though. It was all speculation, right? George Soros said it back in May: He said those exact words actually. He said that the price of crude oil is based more on speculation than any rational balance of supply and demand and that a recession in the US and the rest of the West would bring oil prices down sharply. Look what we're seeing now. He couldn't have been any more right. I'm no expert in commodities trading, but do you think a greater supply could have caused a $75 drop in 3 months? I doubt it.

I don't support a cap on speculation, but it's pretty clear to me that financial investors were ripping us off all summer.

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Mariah Carey, charcoal smells, and other Randoms

- Have you ever heard anyone use the word "preposterous" in real life? I haven’t. I’ve only heard it in movies when rich white businessmen are getting fired.

- I was walking on cloud 8 earlier this morning. As I approached cloud 9, I stopped and turned around. You know, because fuck cloud 9.

- I busted out my fall jacket for the first time and there was a $10 bill in the pocket. Normally I’d be happy, but I couldn’t help but think that with the dollar value being where it is today versus last spring, this was kind of like cashing in stock options after a market crash.

- Things are easier said than done, unless you’re an antidisestablishmentarianist.

- Someone in the neighborhood was cooking with charcoal last night. Two thoughts crossed my mind. One was "Mmm, I love that smell". The other was "who the hell still uses charcoal?" God bless them though.

- Jill and I were watching the news last week and she heard that the Bulls had lost their first preseason game. Her reaction: "wait, basketball already? Fu*king baseball just ended!" I feel for her. Really I do.

- Deep dish pizza is an insult to pizza. Nobody will convince me otherwise.

- I’m back to eating Dove ice cream bars. Oh how I missed thee. If you buy them, make sure you get them with chocolate ice cream though. I’d bathe in it if it was socially acceptable. Actually it’s just the cost that’s holding me back.

- I like Brian Billick as a football commentator, but someone needs to explain to him where the red zone is. He was attributing it to every time the offense made it past midfield.

- I could never be one of the street interviews for the E! News fact or fiction segment. When the host would say to me "Mariah Carey is trying to get pregnant, fact or fiction", I would look right into the camera and say "who gives a shit?"

- On that note, remember that crime pays if you’re good at it.

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Hi Brian. I'm a White Sox fan too.

Some people ask me why I have a blog. "Oooh, I have a lot of things to say. I'm important. Let me tell you what happened to me on my way into work. I like to use the word "random". See there? I just used it. Random. I'm random. Love me. Read me."

Yeah, having a blog is a lot like that.

But it's also a place to upload the coolest pictures of all time. Like that picture up there of Kapowski wearing a White Sox hat.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Lions just made a good trade?!?!?!?!

The Lions just made a good trade, the Lions just made a good trade, the Lions just made a good trade, holy crap, the Loins just made a good trade, the Loins just make a goob trade, the Lions just makded a goobaded trayde!


They traded the talented but busted Roy Williams, who has done absolutely nothing to help his winless team so far this year, to the Cowboys for their 1st, 3rd, and 6th round picks in the 2009 NFL draft. Holy crap.

Matt Millen would have cut him.

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Good work today Bud Fox. I think.

Have you noticed that every time someone on the trading floor farts, the market jumps or lowers 500 points? I want to be optimistic about today's trading, but aren't we just setting ourselves up for tomorrow's huge losses? It's like nobody learns. I know it's been done like this for hundreds of years now, but I just hate the fact that my financial well-being is directly impacted by the greed and panic of others.

We need to get back to "something d-o-o economics. Voodoo economics."

Yeah that reference doesn't really fit here. That's too bad because it would have tied in nicely with my previous post.

Eh, I'm done for the day.

Ism's in my opinion are not good, much like the first 15 minutes of this movie

I caught the beginning of Ferris Bueller on Saturday morning*. I hadn't watched it in a while, but I think I noticed for the first time that the first 15 minutes or so of that movie is pretty stupid. I know I'm blaspheming when I type that, but consider some of the following:

- Ferris is on the phone with Cameron, who is lying in bed. Ferris's dad calls, so he clicks over and has a 30 second conversation. He hangs up the phone, then looks into the camera and says something like "I'm so disappointed in Cameron. 20 bucks says he's sitting in his car right now debating on whether or not he should go out." Cut to Cameron, who is doing exactly that. How did he get there so fast? 30 seconds earlier, he was in bed and complaining that he was about to die, and now he's fully dressed and in his car? What the?!?

- Ferris's big plan to get Sloane out of school was to have her grandmother die. I have a couple problems with this plan. First of all, unless her grandmother was already dead, it would have been real bad karma for Ferris to fake something like that. My guess is Sloane would have had a huge problem with Ferris making light of a non-light situation. And if Sloane's grandmother was in fact already dead, there's a million things that could have gone wrong with killing her off again simply to get out of school. Somehow I doubt an expert in hyjinx like Ferris would have used it.

- Ferris asked for a car, but instead he got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? Well I'm not sure what the answer is to that question, but we do know that Ferris was an accomplished computer hacker. So why did he wait until he had reached 9 absences before hacking into his attendance records? Why wouldn't he keep them permanently updated with the fake number? Better yet, why wouldn't Mr. Rooney question that the number was being changed right in front of him? Here he was watching fraud occur right in front of him and all did was yell for his assistant. This is FBI stuff, man. Your computers are being hacked. Make a phone call already.

- When Ferris called Mr. Rooney to ask if his sister could pick up his assignments, why didn't he use the sick voice that he used on his dad? Instead he sounded all chipper. Wasn't he supposed to be deathly ill?

- And finally, I'm just not buying the Ferris/Cameron friendship. If Ferris was so popular with the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, and dickheads, how did he even end up with Cameron as a best friend? You'd think that a guy like Ferris would have a best friend whose ass wasn't so tight that it could turn a lump of coal into a diamond. I understand they were best friends since the 5th grade, but their differing personalities makes it hard for me to believe it would have lasted. Some time before H.S., Ferris would have dropped Cameron as a friend. I have no doubt.

Or course the last 90 mins or so of this movie were classic, so I suppose I can forgive the first 15. But I wish John Hughes would have addressed some of those things.

* Aren't Saturday morning's the best? They're especially great if you wake up early and have nothing planned. You can get up and make some coffee and read the paper (if the weather is nice, it's a bonus because you can do this outside), or you can lay there in bed and watch TV. Either option is a friggin awesome way to spend a morning.

That's not my hotbox

I walked into a hotbox earlier today. I don't know who did it, but it was nasty and slightly stale. When I got to my floor, people were getting on the elevator just as I was getting off of it, so I have no doubt that they thought I was the culprit. You know, it's one thing to get blamed for a hotbox when it was actually yours, but getting blamed for someone else's hotbox just isn't fair.

You have to admit - he has a great name

The AP finally got their coveted interview with everyone's favorite teen-dad-to-be Levi Johnston. You can read it all here. He comes across as you might expect him to: 18 years old.

For more information on stuff that doesn't make one lick of difference, continue reading every news media outlet in existence.

It used to be a 401k, but now it's more of a 20k

I just got an email from Fidelity regarding my 401k statement. Within the email, there was a hyperlink that said "click here to view your account activity". When I clicked the link, it brought me to a page that was garbled.

I haven't yet figured out if that was a metaphor, an omen, or a reflection. I'm leaning towards reflection.

Great moments in stupid actress quotes

"I totally plan to go back into acting once the strike stops." - Tara Reid last week

Good luck trying to figure out what that means.

Case of the Maundays

Every year for Columbus weekend when we were kids, we used to go to a campground that celebrated Halloween. There'd be a haunted trail on Friday night, a pumpkin carving contest on Saturday morning, and trick-or-treating on Saturday afternoon. It was always a good time (I think), but I also remember it always being wicked cold each year. Am I remembering that correctly? It was always insanely cold, right? Yesterday it was 80 and Saturday it was 75. You can call it a small sample size if you want, but something's not right here.

Saturday afternoon I called Greg's house and Andy answered the phone. How old is he now, 8? Yeah he's 8. So I asked Andy if his dad was around and he said "no he's on his way back from the Michigan game." I said "oh yeah? How'd they do" and Andy said "I don't wanna talk about it". He deadpanned it too. It sounded like his dog had just died. I laughed. 'Cause when a little kid's dog dies, that's what I do. No that's not true. I was laughing at his delivery in telling me that his favorite sports team had lost. He sounded legitimately hurt. Welcome to fandom, Little Buddy. Trust me, it never gets easier. I asked him to have Greg call me back when he got home and he said he'd give Greg the message. Two minutes later, Greg called me back from his cell phone, still on his way home from the game. I asked him how the game was. I promise you, in the exact same delivery as Andy had used 2 minutes earlier, Greg said "I don't wanna talk about it."

Excellent. Michigan better get good again soon. Or they at least have to stop losing to MAC or D-II schools.

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ricky Schroder has sex with goldfish

Friday, October 10, 2008

Help with a Google search

I'm looking for an old SNL sketch with Tom Hanks where he's part of a family where everyone tests out a squeaky chair and they all taste some sour milk and sniff foul cat litter and test a broken basement stair. I'm not sure the name of the sketch or what year it's from, but if you can find it, let me know. Google doesn't seem to know. I have a feeling it might be one of those things where I'm remembering it being better than it actually was, but I don't care.


Oh, and can I have your autograph? Please please please please please?

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Random Task, show them what you do

From Fox News:

Joe Son, who played the character Random Task in the first "Austin Powers" movie, has been charged by California authorities in connection with an unsolved 1990 Christmas Eve gang rape.

Son pleaded guilty in May to felony vandalism, which required him to give a DNA sample — which eventually connected him to the rape, police say.

Son, 37, was charged Oct. 1 with five felony counts of forcible rape, two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulations, one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force according to an Orange County District Attorney's Office release about an arrest in the case.

A friend of the actor filed the original vandalism police report, in which the friend identified Son as an actor in the "Austin Powers" movie, Susan Kang Schroeder, public affairs counsel for the D.A.'s office, told


EDIT: Even if it's not funny, I try to make the last line of every post some kind of quip or joke. But after reading the charges this guy faces, it was tough to come up with anything. There's nothing funny about this story whatsoever. I thought about going with "yep, it reminds me of college alright", but not only is that not funny, it's also kind of offensive. So that's why I just went with "wow". But co-worker Adam just sent me this IM: the victim was reported as saying: "that really hurts...honestly...who uses a shoe?!?" Okay that's funny.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

20 Euphemisms for Tom Hanks' Penis

  1. Jimmy Dugan
  2. Apollo 13
  3. Gump
  4. The Terminal
  5. Carl Hanratty
  6. Busom Buddy
  7. Joe Versus The Volcano
  8. The Green Mile
  9. Woody
  10. Sam Baldwin
  11. The Polar Express
  12. Joe Fox
  13. Road to Perdition
  14. Ladykiller
  15. Walter Fielding
  16. Turner & Hooch
  17. Punchline
  18. Private Ryan
  19. Big
  20. And last but not least… That Thing You Do!

Ice Cube's got nothin' on me

I gotta say, today has been a good day. Sometimes it's the little things, but for some reason Youtube isn't being blocked today. We're not sure why or how long it'll last, but right now that's not important. What is important is that Don and I were able to have this IM conversation:

Brian(13:25:36): works
Donald(13:25:46): I'm not fallin for that
Brian(13:25:59): No for real. Trust me.
Donald(13:28:12): All these weeks I was saying, wow I wish I could watch that on Youtube. Now that it works, I have no idea what to watch
Brian(13:28:43): I was thinking that exact same thing
Brian(13:28:53): I didn't use the word "wow" though
Donald(13:32:29): This is equivlant to Andy Dufresne getting the boys some beer on the top of that roof
Brian(13:33:39): "Hey Andy, thanks for getting us youtube back. I just sent you a link of a girl in a bikini washing windows. It's classic." "No thanks, I don't even watch youtube."
Donald(13:39:45): Corporate: "I don't believe it, the firewall dropped for 30 seconds and these guys were all over youtube"
Brian(13:39:52): excellent

Adam(13:45:39): this is the greatest day of my life
Douglas(13:45:44): i don't know if i've ever seen adam this happy before

With friends like these........

This is an email from a friend of mine:

Go fuck yourself,
Love, Jeremy
P.S. How are things with you?

Yeah it made me laugh.

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Great moments in Buckeye fandom

The Columbus Dispatch is running a poll with the following question:

If there were a guarantee that the Dow would be at 13,000 on Monday, Nov. 24, if Ohio State loses to Michigan on Nov. 22, would you make that deal?

I voted 'yes' just so I could see the results, and this is what it gave me:

Yes 42%
No 58%

Now to be fair, where the Dow is at probably doesn't affect most people's day-to-day lives all that much (unless of course they're invested in a Dow company). But it is an indicator of how our stock market is doing. So yes, these results are quite interesting.

Nice to see fans of The Ohio State University have their priorities in order.

h/t Craig C.

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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That's a negative Ghost Rider. The pattern is full.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Bloglets get crazy

How many times do you think someone had to try to give someone else a cup of tea before the response actually became a common colloquialism?

My delusions of grandeur are worse than anyone else's.

I worry about insomnia, but I try not to let it keep me up nights.

I have lot of feelings toward people that are vague.

I can remember a time time long ago when I was really into nostalgia.

When I was in school, I plagiarized an article on copyright law.

I'll bet you $100 I can overcome my addiction to gambling.

I just know that everyone is talking behind my back about how paranoid I am.

I had a friend that was schizophrenic... 2 friends, actually.

Overheard in the office

Guy 1: "Have you seen the financial markets today? 2oo points, 300 points, now 700 points. When does it end?"

Guy 2: "Don't worry, the market is just weeding out the marginal investors."

Guy 1: "No it's just bleeping me in the bleep."
He didn't use bleeps.

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A few White Sox thoughts before Game 4 starts

The White Sox asked their fans to dress in all black again Sunday. According to the Sun-Times, some fans are going to wear all black from now on, even next year. A fan quote:

"It makes a nice community, builds camaraderie," said Christine Swiderski, of the Garfield Ridge neighborhood. Swiderski was wearing black eyeliner and face paint, a black headband, a black Sox pullover, black pants and black skivvies. "Everyone was so into the game."

What a fan, huh? She really takes her fandom seriously. Wait, black skivvies? How do we...who got did the reporter...wait, seriously? Black skivvies? Where's the picture of Christine in the article? She must have been an uggo. You can bet that if she wasn't, there'd be a picture accompanying that article.

In 4 or 5 more hours, we'll know if the season is over or if it'll last for at least another game. Let's hope for the latter. I'll be at home later this evening watching from my couch in my black skivvies.

Sorry no pics.


Our pet looks peeved

Now they tell us. I hear that we cried when Herman died, but the whole time Herman was trying to kill us.

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Let the games (personal attacks) begin

I find it interesting that Joe Biden is a liar for his inaccurate spending figures in Afghanistan, but Sarah Palin isn't a liar for saying Obama "pals around with terrorists who would target their own country".

I haven't seen a stretch that far since seeing [something that stretched really far].

Stop saying that!!!

Ohhhhhhhhh, chihuahua

$29 million dollars.

Frigging $29 million. That's the amount of money that busted movie brought in over the weekend.

I'm not sure how many tickets it takes to reach $29 million, but I know $29 million is a lot of money.

Are people insane?

Yes they are. If this doesn't prove that the American public isn't qualified to vote, then I don't know what will.

See what I did there?

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Ugh, it's stuck in my teeth

God Bless you, Rachael Ray. You dirty girl, you.

h/t Extra Mustard

Friday, October 03, 2008

Chee WOW wa!

Do you know what today is?
It's October 3rd. Get a calendar. Jeez.
Do you know what else today is?
It's Friday. How is this hard?
But do you know what movie gets released today?
This one.

3 months of anticipation and it's finally out. I realize that the White Sox begin Game 2 tonight, but I can't possibly wait until later in the weekend to see this masterpiece, can I?

Ohhhhh Chihuahua!

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Does he Palin comparison to the hockey mom? Or is he Biden his time 'til he's VP?

My observation after hearing a lot of other people's thoughts on last night's debate: Those who lean to the right think Palin won while those who lean to the left think Biden won.


I could have spent the evening watching something entirely different and I would have known what everyone's thoughts on the debates would have been. And let's be honest; people who actually watched last night have probably made up their minds already. One such person who has made up his mind is my co-worker Sam. He leans so far to the left that he looks like a backslash. He doesn't have a blog, but he certainly has some feelings on what went down. So I agreed to allow him to post them here.

Sam, the floor is yours:
1. I thought Gwen Ifill was terrible. I am not sure if she cowed to the Republican’s attacks on her based on her upcoming book about the African American politicians or because of the format. One thing is clear, she flopped big time. She could have made sure there were follow-up questions and/or she could have let the candidates address each other.
2. Sarah Palin didn't "screw up". Talk about the audacity of low expectations. She can actually repeat talking points. WOW. If this is the threshold a VP should pass, we're in deep sh*t as a nation. Tell me it ain't so Joe!!! What's also amazing to me is the similarity between George Bush and Sarah Palin's style and substance (or lack thereof). They both come across as likable, next door neighbor-types that you might consider having a beer with. But it's frustrating to me that they think that they are ready to lead this country. Thank god Bush's record is in full display. Hopefully, the folks that voted for him will not make the same mistake again. But then again, you never know. That's why I believe that voting should only be cast by folks with an IQ over 100.
3. Joe Biden came off a little bit shaky at the start. He didn't know how to address Sarah Palin. But as the interview dragged on, he became more comfortable and really showed his command of the subject matter. On substance, he won the debate hands down.
Is there a guest-poster who would like to offer counterpoints?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Playoff commercials I can have and do without so far

-The Axe commercial where the dude turns into chocolate. This commercial proves that you don't have to be funny to make me laugh. It just made me feel all warm inside, like when I was a kid and my uncle would pin me down on the ground and fart in my face, only the exact opposite of that. Yeah, the Axe commercial is the exact opposite of a fart in my face. A+

-The Verizon (?) commercial where the father says "uh, drag, dude" to his daughter. Gets me every time. I think it's because the dad reminds me of Will Ferrell. Look for it next time you see it. I think you'll agree.

Do without's
-Anything and everything Frank Caliendo. He's funny, but not in a 'ha ha that was funny' kind of way. It's more of a 'yeah that was pretty good' kind of way. The point is I don't need to see it 50 times a night. Frank Caliendo is like the guy at weddings who is a really good dancer. At first you're all "wow, that guy's a really good dancer". But by 11 or so, you're all "I wish that guy would take a bathroom break and wipe the sweat from his forehead already. I mean jeez, he's getting the floor all wet. And look at his shirt. He's a mess." Yeah, Frank is like that. Or maybe something more accurate than that.

-The busted Viagra commercial. How much money is Viagra paying TBS to play that stupid spot over and over and over and oveur and ovary and oh-ver and 0-for and ovar again? If I'm not tempted to buy a product after seeing it advertised 899 times, why would I be tempted on the 900th? And what the hell is the commercial supposed to be about? It's just an old guy dancing with his wife for 3 minutes. What does that have to do with erectile dysfunction? "Hey Honey, it's finally working. Let's dance." Is that how it works? I always thought it would be more like "Hey Honey, it's finally working. We're already having sex right now even though I haven't yet taken off my pants". Just a ridiculous commercial shown a ridiculous number of times.

The good (bad) news is that we're only through with 1 day. I'm sure both lists will get longer., crazy baseball predictions, and other Randoms

I think Bossypants would be an unfortunate last name. Especially for an unmarried female.

When predicting the World Series, anyone can pick teams that are still in it. But it takes real balls to pick teams that aren’t. That’s why I’m going out on a limb and saying this year’s World Series is gonna be Indians/Astros. Book it.

That Michigan commercial with Tim Allen makes me want to hop in a car and go there. I want to fish, hike, and see something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I want to see….pure Michigan.

Mommy, why isn’t The Office on tonight? Well Honey, because tonight we get to watch a debate between that guy we haven’t seen in a couple weeks who admits that he may not be the right person for the job and that woman who looks like Tina Fey who answers interview questions the same way I answered essay questions back in High School when I didn’t know the answer.

Too bad the White Sox play during the day.

Go White Sox!!!

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