Thursday, May 31, 2007

Boom goes the dynamite

I was trying to think of as many songs as I could that has the word 'boom' in it. So far I have the following (in no particular order, and I may have the lyrics wrong):

1. I say boom boom boom, let me hear you say ay-oh. AY-OH! I say boom boom boom, let me hear you say ay-oh. AY-OH! Girl your booty is so round, let me lick you up and down (etc. etc. etc. Just classy lyrics right there).

2. Boom boom boom let's go back to my room, where we can do it all night, and I can make you feel right (or something like that).

3. Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk that dinosaur. Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk that dinosaur. Boom boom, shocka locka locka boom. Boom boom, shocka locka boom boom.

4. Boom, shake shake shake the room. Boom, shake shake shake the room. Boom, shake shake shake the room. Tic tic tic tic boom.

5. Boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room, let's spend the night together, from now until forever, boom boom boom boom, I wanna go boom boom, let's spend the night together, together in my room.

This is what I have to occupy my Thursday. Can anybody think of any more?

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FYI

Old Guy's name is Bob. I'm almost positive. Jill and I found out last night. I thought you'd like to know. That is all.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Lindsay Lohan, Fake Weaponry, and other Randoms

- The survey showing that Americans are not driving less even with gas prices as high as they are seems kind of pointless to me. An extra $20 per week in gas does not prevent me from continuing to have to go to work every day. I wish it did.

- I would bet that a skin-colored yarmulke would be the worst seller of all the yarmulkes. But that’s just a hunch.

- I think it would be funny if somebody got a tattoo of a pimple right on the top of their shoulder just to gross people out when they go swimming.

- Why do we make sure to give a 20% tip to the waitress who brings our food to us from a kitchen that’s like 20 feet away, but we tip our pizza guy a fraction of that for bringing our food to us from clear across town?

- I wish the TV networks would stagger the May season finales. One week they have us hooked on a dozen different shows and then the next week there’s nothing on. My evenings are so boring now. I suppose I can talk to Jill or go outside.

- DUI, possession of cocaine, and leaving the scene of an accident, those are all pretty serious crimes. But why do we never hear about Lindsay Lohan being cited for underage drinking? She’s only 20. Is that no longer against the law?

- How many accidents do you think occur each year from people slamming on their brakes when they see a police car sitting in the median? Perhaps the side of their car should say 'To Protect and Serve….and cause mass pileups on the highway'.

- Why would anyone go to Panda Express?

- I think it should be legal to keep a fake gun in your glove box just so you can scare the guy who waits until the last second to merge before the road construction starts.

- At what point will I simply refuse to buy a beer at the ballpark? I remember being pissed when the price reached $4 and it wasn’t that long ago.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Maybe he thought Denver had the 1st pick

Greg Oden, the likely 1st pick in next month's NBA Draft, had the following throw-in comment to the Indianapolis Star that I found funny:

"It's going to be different...I know [Portland]'s close to L.A. and I love that. I want to go to L.A. and go to the beach."

Thankfully, I have done the work for you and according to Google Maps, the distance from Portland to Los Angeles is 961 miles, or approximately 15 hours by car. That's quite the drive. Lets hope he doesn't forget his sunglasses.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Charles Nelson Reilly is [BLANK]

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We remember

Friday, May 25, 2007

My CEO can beat up your CEO

Let's say you're a stockholder with a large company that has 1 major competitor. Your money hasn't exactly been working for you since you made your investment, but you're confident that one of these days, you'll look back and be glad you didn't dump it and cut your losses. The reason for that confidence is because a few years earlier, the executive board of your company brought in a CEO who had done wonders previously at CBS. You thought to yourself that finally a CEO was in place that could turn your company around and make your investment profitable.

Fast forward to today. You're attending your annual stockholders meeting, presumably to listen to more corporate hogwash on why the value of your holdings have continued to slide, even with a pending merger with your only competitor on the horizon. What possible answers could the revamped board of your company possibly have?

Fortunately, Mel Karmazin had the answer:

You're fantastic Mel Karmazin. You make life brighter for people like me. Then again, I don't own any shares of SIRIUS.

A commercial that actually makes me want to avoid their product

Go meat!



What the hell was that guy doing under her desk? Creepy!!!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sue me for what?!?!

So now it seems that Josh Hancock's dad is suing everyone involved with the death of his son. If you're not familiar with Josh Hancock, he was the pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals who got crazy drunk at a bar one night last month, hopped into his rented Ford Explorer (along with his gi-normous bag of weed), drove for a couple miles before slamming into the back of a tow truck that was tending to a stalled car in the left lane of the highway he was traveling on. Of course, he was also on his cell phone at the time. He died upon impact.

It's being reported today that Josh Hancock's dad is suing the owner of the bar that Josh was at because they over-served him. Also being sued is the tow truck driver because no road flares were put out. And inexplicably, his dad is even suing the poor kid whose car had broken down because he "was negligent in allowing [his] vehicle to reach the point where it stalled on the highway."

My question though is why is Josh's dad stopping there? Why not sue the makers of Jack Daniels for making a product that impairs judgment and vision? Why not sue Ford for making an SUV that can't withstand the impact of slamming into the back of a tow truck? Why not sue the state of Missouri for not making the highway wider? Or even better, why not sue God for making it dark outside?

Sometimes you just have to admit that the fault lies with the victim. I feel bad for Josh's dad that he lost his son, but I think he deserves jag-bag status for this one.

What's in your wallet? Hopefully it's not my credit card

Yesterday I received an envelope in the mail that looked pretty much like junk (like an application for a credit card), but I opened it anyway just to be sure and also so that I could properly shred it afterwards. Inside, I was shocked at what I found. Apparently Visa took it upon themselves to sign me up for a Jeep Rewards Visa credit card. Included inside the envelope were 3 checks (numbered 1000, 1001, and 1002) with my full name and address already on them and an indication that these were valid and could be used at my discretion. Also included was an active PIN for immediate cash access.

Never in my life have I signed up for a credit card that wasn't directly associated with my personal bank, nor would I. So how is it legal for the credit companies to sign me up without my knowledge or consent? More importantly, how is it legal for them to send me active personalized checks through the mail? Who's to stop some yahoo from getting their hands on my mail and using it themselves?

The Federal Government has agencies that try to inform the public about identity theft, and there's countless websites that issue tips on how we can protect ourselves. So why are the credit card companies even allowed to do this? I fail to see how something this important could be overlooked by the agencies who try to thwart identity theft. Instead, we're left to protect ourselves and that's a bunch of crap.

[Editor's note: Hopefully, this is Brian's only rant of the month and he'll soon go back to posting something more juvenile and non-sensical]

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I'm available 24x7 CT, 25x8 ET

The following is a snippet (good word) of an actual phone conversation that my co-worker Alex just had with one of his customers:

Alex: "Yes, someone will be available at that number 24x7."
Customer: "Is that central time?"

An oddly compelling awkward little dance

I stopped off at the grocery store on my way home from work yesterday. I live in a small town so the store is pretty small and it was relatively empty so the checkout girls were not very busy. When I brought my items up to check out, I noticed a weird interaction between two of the check out girls that were not helping me.

I recognized one of the girls from previous visits to the store. I can only describe her as being one of the ugliest people I'm ever likely to encounter. When I say "ugly", I don't mean as in the 'wearing a Guadalajara poncho to work' kind of ugly. I mean she is a legitimate goblin. Let me put it this way: For the first several times I saw her, I wasn't even sure she was a SHE. Bad hair, bad teeth, bad skin... just an all-around disaster. If ugly were people, she'd be China. She got beat with the ugly stick like she had been caught stealing from a farmers market in Singapore. Someone should put a bag over her head but the only question would be 'Will that be paper or plastic?' As an aside, I noticed yesterday that she was wearing earrings. I couldn't help but wonder why she'd even bother? That seemed to me to be a little like sprinkling glitter on a turd.

Anyway, Uglier Betty was aggressively flirting with another check out girl and making her unmistakably uncomfortable. Betty came up behind Uncomfortable Girl and put both hands on her hips in a way that you would have expected a pottery wheel and the song Unchained Melody to be involved. She held her hands there several seconds before Uncomfortable Girl awkwardly wiggled away.

Not taking the hint, Betty once again moved in on Uncomfortable Girl, this time leaning in to look at her necklace or something (the good money is on the "or something"). Uncomfortable Girl quickly pulled away again. It was painful to watch the little dance these two girls were having, yet at the same time it was oddly compelling.

Unfortunately, it was at this time when my checkout girl handed me my change and I had to leave. I may have to stop by again today and see if they're still at it.

Signs I'm getting old

Most days as I make my drive into work in the morning, I'll drive past one of the neighbor kids Tony as he's walking to his bus stop. I'll always give a polite and neighborly wave as I pass, he'll do the same, and we'll continue on our way. But this morning I was a few minutes late so he was already waiting at his bus stop and surrounded by his friends. I waved to him, but instead of waving back, he quickly turned his head and looked straight down as if to tell me "please stop waving at me you uncool old guy". Can you believe that? I embarrassed an 11 year old because I waved to him. Is there any way I can blame Jill for this?

Funny Headlines

Click here to see the BEST HEADLINE EVER! Our little phrase is catching on.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Rock the Glock and HappySt milestones

First off, I would like to make a quick note of this being 1HappySt's 400th post. It's hard to believe Greg and I have had something stupid and pointless to say 400 times in just over a year, but we've pulled it off. Congratulations to us, and sorry to everyone else.

Secondly, I would like to apologize for this particular post being related to American Idol, making this 2 in a row now. For someone who barely watches the show (yeah right), I sure do have a lot to say about it. But I got a Glockstar update from Joe and it wouldn't be right of me to keep it from you. So here goes (my comments in blue):

Hi everybody!

It probably seems like a long time since you got one of these e-mails from me, huh? Well don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to vote or anything like that. I just wanted to let you all know that Gina will be singing in the big finale tomorrow night. They bring back the Top 12 for the final episode so you’ll get to see all those lovely faces that we’ve missed (and some that we wish we could forget)! <------yes, he really wrote that.

As I'm sure you can imagine, things have been really busy for Gina since she came home (actually she really hasn’t been home much at all). <------classic. She will get to come back to Chicago on Sunday but she only has about 10 days before she goes right back to LA to start preparing for the TOUR! <------not to mention the time when I get that phone call from her that starts off with the words 'we need to talk'. I hope you all got your tickets.

I’ll be sure to keep you posted on our Glockstar, but you can also check out www.rocktheglock.com for more Gina info. As always, thanks for all your continued support!

Love, Joe & Gina

I hope you enjoyed that, I know I did. God Bless our Joe!

Straight up now tell me

Now comes word that everyone's favorite crazy lady Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua. In addition to breaking her nose, she also bruised her arms, chest, and waist, and broke her toe. Poor Paula.

But does anyone really believe this is how it happened? She fell while avoiding her dog? Please. Was there an ACME anvil involved in this by any chance? I think she should release a statement that tells the truth.

"I had just finished my 2nd bottle of Cabernet. As I was walking down the stairs to my wine cellar to fetch another one, I slipped and tumbled down 6 or 7 stairs and landed awkwardly down at the bottom. I'm okay though, and those 3rd and 4th bottles really helped with the pain."

Now THAT'S a story I can get behind.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Row, row, row your bloglets

Have you ever been canoeing? What's the difference between the oar with two paddles and the one with just one paddle? I think if given the choice, I'd be fine with either oar.

Have you ever rooted for one of your pieces of electronics to break down on you so you could justify buying a new one? Me neither. I'm very happy with my 2 and a half year old Dell DJ mp3 player with the black and white display.

I saw a commercial for blueberry vodka. Seems like they've got vodka that tastes like pretty much everything now. Can rum-flavored vodka be far behind?

I've never found a pair of headphones that fit my head and ears correctly.

It's taken a while but I think our generation will officially kill pipe smoking.

Something tells me that if they had come out today, they wouldn't have been called Erector Sets.

What's with calendars that start on Monday? That's idiotic. Stop it. Unless you start making clocks that start at 2:00.

What does "velop" mean? You can DEvelop and ENvelop but you never see it just as velop.

I think the the people at Milton Bradley are to blame for the rampant spread of venereal disease among teens. If we want to teach the kids not to catch "cooties", we shouldn't be telling them that STDs are adorable multi-colored bugs.

Pennies are pointless. Anything that you could lose 500 of without getting too upset about can't be worth keeping around.

I am betting that children in Italy make much more elaborate art projects with pasta.

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A television wrap-up

NOTE: Some Spoilers

"Entourage" had another less than stellar episode last night. Is it impossible for them to come up with a joke or situation that isn't entirely contrived and unfunny? Between Drama continuing to give off vibes that he's into guys, Turtle wanting to date a girl with a psycho father, and Vince/Eric putting all of their efforts into a movie project that I can't see anyone ever wanting to see (would you see a movie called "Medellin"?), this show continues to frustrate me. Why can't they go back to the story-lines that made me want to watch from the beginning: Drama getting road rage, Turtle coming up with Zack Morris-esque money making schemes, and Vince bagging hotties? As the old saying goes, if it ain't broke........

Only 2 episodes left of "The Sopranos". I'm excited if only to see how they plan to wrap up 500 different story-lines in 2 weeks. Have you noticed that they continue to introduce new characters? Wrap it up Boys, we're running out of time. I do appreciate that they're giving tons of screen time to A.J. even though he's never shown the ability to act. As Rob Schneider, Dana Carvey, and Adam Sandler imitating Jerry Seinfeld would say, who are the ad-wizards who came up with that one? This still remains the best show on TV though. Every week, we're treated to a new 1-hour movie. I'm gonna miss it.

If you haven't been paying attention, you probably didn't realize that MTV has given the go-ahead to the biggest no-brainer in television: reuniting the cast of Real World Vegas for another go 'round so we can find out what happens when 7 unrealistically good looking people who like to engage in acts that shouldn't be shown on regular television get together in Vegas again, and start gettin' real. Oh trust me, I will.

And finally, good work Jim. It only took you 3 years, but you done good. Karen was the fun choice that you brag about to your friends. Pam was the right choice for the long-haul. You won't see that on a Hallmark card, but it's the truth. Thursday night's episode was 60 minutes of brilliance. Hopefully Jim won't screw this up Ross Geller-style.

Friday, May 18, 2007

A Convenient (Store) Solution

Let's say you own a small store, like a 7-11. Your 7-11 is the envy of all the other 7-11's. Your floors are clean, your shelves are tidy and your Slurpees are the best around.

As is often the case, the popularity of your 7-11 has it's downsides. Since you have so much to offer, you are overrun with people coming into your store and stealing your merchandise. They just can't get enough of your Slurpees. So they come in and fill up on Slurpees without paying. You do your best to catch the Slurpee theives, and when you do, you call the police and have them arrested.

However, after years of watching people steal from you and calling the police, you realize that no matter how many people you catch and no matter how many people you have arrested, there are still more people willing to attempt to rip off your delicious Slurpees. Eventually you become so disgusted with the system that you stop calling the police all together. When you see them stealing from you, you just look the other way. When it gets out that you aren't enforcing your own store policies, people come from all over to take advantage of your "free" Slurpees.

One day, you decide, "Enough is enough! These people have stolen from me long enough. They stole from me when I enforced my store policy and they stole from me when I looked the other way. What else can I do? I have it! I will make them all temporary employees of my store. That way, they won't be stealing. They'll be entitled to their own Slurpees and we'll all be happy."

Yeah. That makes sense.

I can hear you now

So I get on an elevator and I'm followed on by a guy talking to his girlfriend or wife (or boyfriend, what do I know?) on his cellphone. I overhear him say "I love you baby" followed by a short pause. The person on the other end must not have heard him, because he repeats himself. "I said I love you baby." Of course I cannot let this go without commenting. So I say to him "should I make fun of you right now, or should I wait until you leave and do it behind your back?" He didn't respond, he just looked at me with a crook-eye and continued on with his phone conversation. I don't think he appreciated it. Oh well, it was worth it.

Yankee Candle, Beer Pong, and other Randoms

- It sucks that the Bulls lost last night, but not because they won’t be playing anymore. I’m more upset that I have to avoid the local newspapers all day today.

- Speaking of the Bulls, this comment about Bulls rookie Thabo Sefolosha comes courtesy of my co-worker Alex’s wife, she of the 'who is D-Gate' fame: "Sefolosha sounds like a disease. I wish I could get rid of this chronic Sefolosha." I like it. I’m using it. Good work Alex’s wife.

- Do you think cigar smokers realize the pretty recognizable metaphor? Keep sucking on that Bernie, I won’t mention it.

- There are very few feelings that are worse than that initial anxiety when a large pill gets stuck in your throat. It’s a good thing it only lasts half a second.

- If you don't like talking to strangers, do not purchase a new 4-door Jeep Wrangler. You'll just have to trust me on this. And if any of you have a good response to the words 'you know my cousin has a Jeep', I'm open to it. So far, 'oh yeah?' is all I've been able to come up with.

- I love gas grills, but I have to admit I miss that smell in the neighborhood when someone’s using charcoal. Why can’t Yankee Candle capture that?

- I’ll brush my teeth 99 times in a row without incident, but on the 100th time, I’ll spit out just a little bit of blood. What’s that about?

- Why do all-you-can-eat buffets make you hold on to your fork? You’d think that would be easier to replace than the plate.

- Restaurants like that are wasted on me anyway. For some reason, I can only eat one plate-full of crap. I do like that soft-serve ice cream at the end though. Kudos to the guy who decided chocolate chips were necessary.

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

He believes he can fly

"I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now." - R. Kelly

He took the words right out of my mouth. Although what I think he meant to say was "I'm the Ali, the Marvin Gaye, the Bob Marley, and the Martin Luther King of today, if all of those guys had sex with children". But I think the reporter must have cut him off before he finished.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

OMG! INBD!

By now, I'm sure you've seen the Cingular commercial where the little girl and her mom speak in text message short hand. You know the one where the mom asks who she's texting all day, and the girl says "IDK. My BFF, Jill?"

I'm sorry but that girl is a big fat liar! Maybe I'm just turning into a major cynic but the first time I saw that commercial, all I could think was that girl was obviously trying to hide her secret relationship with the creepy old Saudi Arabian guy she met on MySpace!

"OMG! TISNF!!!"

"Having to chase your 13-year-old daughter to the airport to stop her from being kidnapped! That's what's SNF!"

Final thoughts following last night’s Bulls/Pistons game

- Half the contributors of this site are from the Detroit area, so I’ll keep the gloating to a minimum. Also, I still think the Pistons are the better team, so it would be premature and foolish of me to say anything that will come back to bite me on Thursday or next Monday.

- As a Bulls fan, there’s a downside to the final score of the game last night. It leaves open the possibility of a Game 7 in Detroit and having to listen to that PA guy again. DEE-troit BAS-KET-ball! Even if I was a Piston fan, I’d want to shoot that guy.

- Does Ben Gordon have rollers on the bottom of his shoes? Every play he ends up on the floor.

- I can’t help but think that we got shafted with last night’s TNT announcers. Would it have killed them to give us Steve Kerr or Marv Albert?

- I'm a little disappointed that the Patrick Ewing and High-Definition Television eras didn't overlap. But I suppose I'll accept Rasheed Wallace as a consolation.

- By the way, has Rasheed ever explained that weird spot on his head? I'd like to be able to make fun of it, but I don't know if it's a medical condition or not.

- Why is ‘bologna’ spelled b-o-l-o-g-n-a? That’s just insagne.

- I realize that has nothing to do with last night’s game, but that question popped in my head somewhere around the end of the 3rd quarter and I never came up with a good answer.

- Does Rip Hamilton wear that mask when he goes out? Like if I saw him at a restaurant after the game, would he still be sporting it and acting like everything was normal? If not, I think he should start. If you’re going to make the commitment to something that looks so ridiculous, you might as well go all the way with it.

- If I was a foot taller, I have no doubt that I’d be a millionaire right now, even with no discernable basketball skills. Michael Sweetney is my proof.

- I never understood the “R” in Nazr Mohammed’s first name when it’s pronounced like that. But then I considered the alternative; the correct spelling choice was made.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

When stepping on a crack just isn't good enough

If you didn't get your mom anything for Mother's Day, shame on you. But if she's mad at you for not getting her anything, tell her it could be worse.

Japanese police arrested a 17-year-old boy on Tuesday on suspicion of murdering his mother after he turned up at a police station carrying a severed human head in a bag. Police in Aizuwakamatsu, 125 miles north of Tokyo, said they arrested the teenager after officers found a beheaded body in the apartment where he lived. The boy told police he killed his mother on Monday evening while she was asleep.

Asked why he did it, he said "yeah, that was my bad, but she continued to put peas in my salad, and who likes peas? I mean c'mon."

Monday, May 14, 2007

This is a real street sign near my house


Someone somewhere is having a good laugh over this.

And I know what you're thinking. No, the street isn't that long.

Everyone's doin' it

Whoever said peer pressure stopped after High School? This is an actual conversation between me and a co-worker at a bar as I was about to go home after a few Jack and Cokes:

Him: Next round's on me, you want another one?

Me: No thanks, I gotta get going.

Him: C'mon, just one more, it's on me.

Me: I appreciate that, but I gotta drive home.

Him: P_ssy

Me: Okay, one more.

Mothers Day conspiracy

For Mothers Day, I usually give my wife a break by taking the kids off her hands. Yesterday, I took the boys to the park while she had a tea party or scrap booking or whatever with her sisters and her mom. I have no problem with that but the flip side of that is that on Fathers Day, she'll say, "Why don't you spend the day with the kids?" What? No tea party for me?

I think I'll start planning the Fathers Day of drinking beer with the guys right now before she gets any ideas.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Real Men of Genius: Mr. Double Entendre Headline Writer


Inappropriate? You bet. Funny? I'd say so.
Well done Mr. Headline Writer. You done good.

Friday, May 11, 2007

It's time for a change

As you know, Jill and I went on a little vacation to Florida earlier this week. It was a nice trip; much too short, but fun while it lasted. One of the things that stands out the most though whenever we take a trip to the East Coast is the time change. Coming from Chicago, a three-hour flight to Florida becomes four hours long on the way there and two hours long on the way home. It’s something that every traveler deals with without much thought. But does anyone know why? Is there still a reason for it?

My guess is the time changes had something to do with farmers. Once upon a time (I hate that phrase, but I’m using it here), everything had to do with farmers. They woke up early, got their plowing in, did whatever else they did, then went to bed for a few hours so they could do it all over again the next day. My guess is the time changes helped keep things on schedule for them throughout the country, making the sun in relatively the same spot from region to region based on what time it was. That’s fine, I’m sure it was important at the time. But how many farmers are there nowadays? How many people is this still helping? My guess would be a very small percentage. So I propose a compromise: we eliminate two of the time zones.

The eastern and central time zones can combine while the mountain and pacific time zones do the same, then we split this thing right down the middle of the country. Think of all the people this would benefit. People living in New York and Los Angeles would cut their time difference down from three hours to one while people making a short drive from Michigan to Illinois wouldn’t have any change at all.

Tell me this isn’t a no-brainer. Who can I call to make this happen?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Completely useless info

4 things I'm looking forward to tonight, in no particular order:

- Shun off. There's a new episode of 'The Office'. Did you see last week's episode when Kelly started dancing in the car to Michael's cell phone ringer of "My Humps"? Just classic. It's the little things that make me laugh.

- It's Thursday night, which means it's Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard with chocolate ice cream night. Yeah!

- Tomorrow is Friday, which means I can stay up late tonight and not get nervous about it. I won't, but I can and that's really all that matters.

- The weather is nice. For obvious reasons, the weather directly effects the joy I get while eating my Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard with chocolate ice cream. Yeah! I may just eat it outside on my front porch. Shun on.

Sudoku, Florida, and other Randoms

- I always have a small panic attack whenever I see a school bus turn its red lights on. I can never remember all the ‘perpendicular crossroad, median/no median, and 4-lane versus 2-lane’ rules.

- Most underrated part of the cell phone era to date: being able to order a pizza from the car on the way home from a vacation.

- Most underrated cell phone skill: being able to pin-point the exact time to order it so that it arrives just after you’ve started the first load of laundry and all your bathroom stuff is put away.

- Why do I always feel the need to start deleting things as soon as my Tivo reaches 89% of available space? I’m okay at 90, but once it hits 89, I’m deleting stuff like its my job.

- Sudoku is the devil.

- I don’t even listen to the performances on American Idol anymore; I just skip ahead to Simon’s comments afterwards. The beat-box guy sucked and the girl with no neck was good again. That’s all I need to know.

- Do you think the kids on The Real World watch these shows with their parents? And is Colie’s dad in A.A. yet?

- Sorry I hadn’t posted anything in a while. Jill and I were in Florida for a few days. It was lots of sun, lots of beach, lots of food, lots of alcohol, and lots of old people. Turns out that cliché is well-warranted. Great time though, and glad to be back.

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Tony Vs. Paul

This is remarkable!!!

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Friday, May 04, 2007

FAQ

Why is this blog named 1 Happy St?
The two founders of this blog, Brian and Greg, are enormous fans of the movie My Blue Heaven starring Steve Martin, in which Martin plays a former mobster who is in the witness protection program. There is a scene in the beginning of that movie in which Martin's wife asks him, "What the frig is the address here?" to which Martin replies, "How should I know? Number 1 Happy Street!"

Who are Brian and Greg?
Brian and Greg are brothers. They founded 1 Happy St. in May 2006. Brian and his wife live in suburban Chicago, IL. Greg lives with his wife and kids in Ann Arbor, MI.

What is the purpose of this blog?
There is no purpose to 1 Happy St. Brian and Greg are not the preeminent experts of anything. Instead, they use 1 Happy St. as a place to point out their peculiar observations of popular culture, entertainment, sports, and life in general. And it's a way for them to keep in touch since they live 300 miles away from each other. Aww. No stop it. It's lame.

Who is Vincent Antonelli and why is he the Patron Saint of 1 Happy St.?
Vincent Antonelli is the name of the character played by Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven. Much like some people look to the film, The Godfather, as a source of wisdom (Leave the gun, take the cannoli!), so do Brian and Greg look to My Blue Heaven as the answer to some of life's most challenging questions. How do I plant sod? "Remember, green side up! Green side up!" Would you like to try a vanilla bran oat crunchie? "What do you think!?"

Who is Mike?
Brian's neighbor (commonly referred to as "Old Guy") thinks Brian's name is Mike. Old Guy has now called Brian by the name "Mike" for so long that it would be too embarrassing for all involved to correct him now.

What's a Random?
Brian often posts blog entries that will be a series of short thoughts or observations. He calls them Randoms.

Then what's a Bloglet?
It's a lot like a Random, except Greg posts them.

That's it?
Fraid so.

You guys are idiots!
Hey, that's not a question.

What’s the difference between a fell swoop and just a regular swoop?
We were wondering that too.

How do I purchase 1 Happy St. apparel?
1 Happy St. apparel is available exclusively at Cafepress.

Does 1 Happy St. have a MySpace page?
Yes. You can view the 1 Happy St. MySpace page here.

What about Facebook?
Look, you're lucky we have the MySpace. Get off our back!

Why does Brian hate Joe Morgan so much?
Because Joe Morgan is a no-talent ass clown.

To submit another question to the guys at 1 Happy St. please feel free to email. Thanks.

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Happy Anniversary to US!

Today marks the 1-year anniversary of 1 Happy St.* Thanks to all our readers for all the encouragement and feedback. Here are some of the highlights from the last year. Enjoy!

"I'm Handicapped" - May 25, 2006
"Birdfeeder or Bong" - June 20, 2006
"Joe Buck's All Star Diary" - July 12, 2006
"Kazoo or Hash Pipe" - July 13, 2006
"If I could Be Like Mike" - July 17, 2006
"Urinal Envy" - August 8, 2006
"Retiring the Swim Team" - September 6, 2006
"Questions that Keep Me Awake Sometimes" - December 13, 2006
"Avoiding the Cookie" - January 19, 2006
and of course some randoms and bloglets too.

* 1 Happy St. existed before 5/4/06, but was not as part of the Blogger community. Before that, it was, for all intents and purposes, a private blog. And no, I don't know what Big Bird is doing to that candle.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

"Oh, then it's not just a clever name."

This article about how to choose a band name is genius in a way that makes me want to call up my friend with the Casio keyboard (with sampling, of course!) and rock out in my garage. Now it's your turn. Let us know your band name ideas.

I'll get you started...

The Melon
Chad Lowe and the Swankettes
Frendo Capitis
Felt Vest Extravaganza
Jessie and the Rippers ...oh crap, that ones taken.

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Roy Pearson is a jag-bag

Have you heard about this guy? He's a judge in Washington D.C. named Roy Pearson and he's suing the immigrant owners of a dry-cleaning business for $65 million because they lost a pair of his pants. That's right, you heard me correctly. He's taking advantage of a loophole in the judicial system that allows him to sue a small business for a ridulous amount. Why? I guess it's because he's an enormous jag-bag. I will now proceed to pepper his name, Roy Pearson, throughout the rest of this blog entry in hopes that somebody important will read this and demand that he, Roy Pearson, be removed from his duties as judge. I also hope that someone will find another loophole in the system that allows small-business owners like the owners of this dry-cleaner to countersue jag-bags like Roy Pearson for putting them through hell just because they felt like it. Jag-bags like Roy Pearson need to be stopped.

[Editors note: I use the term 'jag-bag' in the highest of esteem, just in case the jag-bag Roy Pearson ever reads this and decides to sue me for defamation]

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

C'mon now. I mean honestly.

If you haven't heard by now, the state of Illinois is one approval vote from the governor away from imposing a smoking ban in all restaurants and bars effective January 1st of 2008. Personally, I'm a little surprised that Mike Ditka's testimony on the subject in front of the judge didn't help. If you don't remember it from a couple years ago when the topic was first discussed, it went something like this:

Mike Ditka: "I mean c'mon, a smoking ban? C'mon now."

Lawyer: "Your honor, this ban is necessary due to the effects of second-hand smoke.

Mike Ditka: "That's ridiculous, I mean c'mon. A smoking ban? Really? C'mon."

Lawyer: "Your honor, second-hand smoke kills thousands of people in Illinois alone each year."

Mike Ditka: "Yeah, but a smoking ban? C'mon"

I don't know about you, but he had me sold.

Tom Poston is dead

Tom Poston, who most will remember as the dim-witted handyman in the series "Newhart", died yesterday at the age of 85. Poston is survived by his wife, Suzanne Pleshette, whom he worked with on the "Bob Newhart Show".

Poston appeared in dozens of television shows and movies over a career that spanned over 50 years. One of Poston's lesser known roles was in the raucous adolescent comedy, Up the Academy. It that film, Poston played the flamboyant orderly, Sisson. Sisson appears in the climactic soccer scene as the prancing referee wearing short shorts and a tied off t-shirt that showed off Poston's midriff.

As a bit of trivia, Up the Academy featured Ralph Macchio in his first film, and a young Harry Teinowitz, a popular sports radio personality in Chicago.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Sunglass Hut, SportClips, and other Randoms

- I can’t wait for something to actually happen during this season of "Entourage". I know it’s coming, but the anticipation is killing me.

- Was it popular in the 1940’s to wear black socks with shorts? Because if it wasn’t, is this just something I have to look forward to when I get older?

- ESPN was at commercial for nearly the entire time while I was at SportClips yesterday. What a waste.

- I have more clothes in my closet that I don’t wear than clothes in my closet that I do wear, and yet I can’t bring myself to get rid of any of it.

- Have you noticed that some weather forecasters have started giving 7-day forecasts now? That’s a lot of nerve since they’re usually wrong by Day 2.

- When you were a kid, there was always a rumor of another kid who swung himself all the way over the bar. But I bet that never happened.

- By the way, why did that extra-wide slide made of rollers even exist? It wasn’t any faster, it hurt your butt, and there was no way you were coming out of there without an injury.

- It’s difficult to shop for sunglasses because you can never tell how you look in them. So wouldn’t it make sense for the folks at Sunglass Hut to have a digital camera on hand so you can see yourself?

- Do you realize that there are people in college right now who don’t remember the last time the Cicada’s showed up? Now how old do you feel?

- I hate it when I’m stuck driving alongside a guy on a bike. Every time my light turns green, I have to do that exaggerated swerve to get past him, only so he can pass me back up at the next light and we can do it all over again. For 20 minutes I have to worry about hitting him, or him taking out my side-view mirror. I hate that guy.

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"Arrest Made In Connection With Lincoln Slaying"

This story doesn't live up to the headline. (h/t The Corner)

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Quote from co-worker Don

You think Mark Buehrle is re-thinking about pitching for St. Louis?

What, too soon?