Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Only you can start forest fires

The ultimate "my bad". It is now being reported that a young boy playing with matches is responsible for one of the fires that destroyed 38,000 acres and 21 homes in California.

Doesn't everyone have that relative (or perhaps it's themselves) who did something stupid as a kid and the whole family still brings it up, but it's kind of laughed about now? My uncle Bob set their basement on fire. I'm sure Grandpa was pissed at the time. My uncle Ken cut a girl's ponytail off as she was sitting in front of him in bible school. That was pretty dumb.

But neither of those can compare to what this kid will be able to talk about when he gets older. Where does he go from here? What kind of encore can he possibly come up with in the remainder of his life that could possibly beat out "One time, I burned down 38,000 acres of land and caused billions of dollars in damages and probably killed some people"?

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

And I'm Lauren "B.J." Carlton

I can't be the only person to recognize the coincidence that this guy's lawyer's name is B.J., can I be?

On a personal note, it's about time he was released. This story made no sense from the very beginning.

[Editors Note: Greg will promptly mail a fake check in the amount of $100 to the person who can correctly identify the reference in this blog title]

Greg's evil blog entry

Red red wine you make me feel so fine
You keep me rocking all of the time

Monday, October 29, 2007

Is that the red or the white?

In 1916, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox won the World Series.

In 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox made it to the World Series, but lost on purpose in order to collect money from gamblers.

In 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox won the World Series.

In 2007, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year......I can hope.

And yes, at this point, I would even accept the 1919 version. Hey, at least they got there.

Indian Thriller

Friday, October 26, 2007

McDonalds Menu Song

Ok, class. You've got all weekend to get this memorized!

Ha ha, you all just got Nard Dogged

Break me off a piece of that Chrysler Car.
Break me off a piece of that Snickers Bar.
Break me off a piece of that Applesauce.
Break me off a piece of that Football Cream.
Break me off a piece of that Lumber Tar.
Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast.

It's the cat food! Nailed it!

Take my hand

I don't have anything to add, but I would like to speculate on possible captions for this picture.
- Mista Prezident you have to help me with da fyas in Cahl-lee-for-nee-a.
- I am not shu-ah what da problem iz, but I'm shu-ah it can be solved without resorting to violence.
- Hey Vincent, you're my brutha.
Okay, I couldn't think of anymore.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Is it just me or is this day dragging?

Maybe a mindless time-waster will help pass the time.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Watch me crank dat Soulja Bloglet

I like the phrase "threw him under the bus." It's just such a beautifully violent way to describe what is essentially being a tattle tale. You hear it a lot, too. It seems like we'd think it would be overused but it still hasn't lost its panache. Usually a turn of phrase like that gets old after hearing it two or three times. Not this one. "Threw him under the bus" has defied the laws of the American lexicon.

Now that I think about it, I think that "turn of phrase" has become a little outdated, ironically enough.

Has anyone ever actually said the interjection "Egads!" out loud? Of course, I mean besides reading it out loud from an Archie comic.

Tropical Starbursts are way better than the original Starbursts. Tropical Starbursts are the Dick Sargent of the Starburst family.

Have you seen the commercials for Space Bag? I love that product. I wonder if they make them to transport household pets.

I think "mail-in rebate" is another way to say "subtracting money you will never ever see but you can use this lower price to help you convince your wife that you can actually afford this."

And just because I can....
Soulja Boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat hoe
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy

A few World Series Randoms

The World Series is here. Do you care yet? Will you ever care? Well I do so you're gonna have to put up with my baseball thoughts for the next few days. Or at least right now.

- I am looking forward to this series. I can't wait to see how the Red Sox do against Todd Helton's team.

- One thing that bothers me every year - we've beaten this "DH vs no DH" thing to death, but during interleague play and the World Series, the topic always pops back up again. For the American League teams, their DH is usually one of their best hitters. So how is it not putting them at an unfair disadvantage by taking away their DH in the games hosted by the NL team? What other sport has two different sets of rules between the two leagues? It would be like in the NBA when the Spurs make it to the finals again, the Eastern Conference decides that centers are no longer allowed to play so Tim Duncan would have to sit.

- Hmm, on second thought, that could work.

- I can't take much more of Dane Cook. What happened to that guy? Within three years or so, he has gone from being the comedian everybody loved to the guy everybody wants to punch square in the face.

- I don't like wind chimes. I guess they're supposed to have a soothing sound or something, but I find them to be pretty annoying.

- Hey, how'd that Random get in here?

- Game 7 is scheduled to be played on November 1st. In Boston. Right around the time when it's starting to get cold. Especially at night when the temperatures have been dropping into the 30's and 40's. That was pretty good thinking.

- I like when newspaper columnists and sportswriters are forced to give their predictions for how the series will turn out, and then they're forced to argue their pick. I don't want to get into a discussion about sample sizes and baseball odds, but the best team doesn't always win. Why have they not figured this out yet?

- My prediction - Red Sox in 5. And anyone who disagrees with me is obviously a moron.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Elephant Tales

If I had a quarter for every time a pack of wild elephants wandered into my neighborhood, drank all of my beer, got drunk, took out some power lines, and in the process electrocuted themselves to death...well I'd be broke.

Oddly enough, these people would have 50 cents.

Memoirs of a Gay-sha

If somebody had told you that Lance Bass would be writing a book about his exploits as a member of N'Sync, how much money would you have been willing to bet that the title of that book would be something lame and obvious like "Out of Sync"? A thousand dollars? Two thousand? A million? Personally, I would have went with a title like the one I used for this blog entry, but I'm also an idiot. But if you would have bet on Lance taking the safe route with the lame and uninspiring "Out of Sync", you would have won.

Unfortunately, there's no word yet on a scheduled release date for Britney Spears' book titled "Oops I did it again".

Or Michael Jackson's book titled "Black or White?" <----with a question mark

We'll all look forward to those though.

Book titles that didn't make the cut for this blog:
- "Mmm-Stop" by Hanson
- "Too Broke to Quit" by MC Hammer
- "My Aiken [Bleep]" by Clay Aiken

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people cannot separate the views of a Presidential candidate with the views of their friends. A gay rights group on Monday urged Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama to cut ties with gospel singer Donnie McClurkin, who the gay rights group says spreads false information about gays and lesbians.

McClurkin said he does not believe in discriminating against homosexuals. ‘‘What people do in their bedrooms and who they are as human beings are two different things,’’ he said. But he also added that he “does not believe that [gay marriage] is the intention of God”.

Okay, fair enough.

Barack Obama has invited McClurkin to perform on his campaign concert tour.

Because he’s a gospel singer.

And because he’s a friend.

And because he’s really good at what he does and has won multiple Grammys.

Not because of his views on gay marriage.

Why can’t people separate the two things? It’s not like he’s inviting Hitler on stage.

You know what else grinds my gears? People who still use Hitler as their go-to antagonist by saying things like "it’s not like he’s inviting Hitler on stage". Can’t we find a better example than a guy who’s been dead for 60 years? I vote that we start using Joe Morgan.

[Editor's note: Brian was able to use 6 different previously-used labels for this post, a modern record for 1HappySt. Some might argue (and would probably be right) that his whole reasoning for this nonsense blog today was to use as many labels as possible. Rumor has it that Brian's only regret with today's entry was that he was not able to use 'ridiculous afro'. Wait, does Donnie McClurkin have one?]

Monday, October 22, 2007

When life imitates Mad Libs

In a headline that sounds randomly generated, we learn today that James Lipton, the host of Inside the Actors' Studio, was a pimp in France.

I guess we now know what HIS favorite curse word is!

That story is a delight!

A complete waste of 39 seconds [that's what SHE said]

Click here:

Stupid? check
A waste of time? check
Mildly amusing? check+


J.K. Rowling revealed on Friday during an interview at Carnegie Hall that everyone's favorite wizard Albus Dumbledor is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I love this quote from Melissa Anelli, webmaster of the fan site "the leaky cauldron": "Rowling calling any Harry Potter character gay would make wonderful strides in tolerance toward homosexuality. By dubbing someone so respected, so talented and so kind, as someone who just happens to be also homosexual, she's reinforcing the idea that a person's gayness is not something of which they should be ashamed."

Dumbledor is not a real person, is he?

Real or not, who can blame him for not being able to resist the charm of Grindelwald? Talk about a heart-breaker.

And yes, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sean Anderson, Arby's, and other Randoms

- I am a little bit embarrassed to admit that I like the new Arby’s turkey club sandwich. I tried it, liked it, and have gone back to get it again. Yeah I know. Friggin' Arby’s.

- Speaking of Arby’s, what’s with the 16 different value menu items? When does it end? One of these days, I want to order the #37 with a Coke.

- I wonder what Sean Anderson is up to. I’m guessing he’s either in prison or a model family man.

- Taking candy from a baby is kind of a #ick move if you ask me. Why’d you give it to them in the first place if you planned on taking it back?

- Sean Anderson was a childhood friend who knew way too much about way too many things way too early in life. We all had one of those; Sean was mine. I wonder what he did with all those magazines.

- [generic funny Random that I cannot think of right now].

- You can tell a lot about a person if they like Heidi better than LC. You can tell even more about a person if they know who Heidi and LC are. I admit nothing. Spencer's a moron. I kind of miss The Miz. I need to divorce Jill.

- If I leave my house at exactly 7:00, I’ll make it to work with plenty of time to spare. But if I leave at 7:01, I’ll be 10 minutes late. What’s that about?

- Fifteen words I hope are never spoken by the General Manager of my favorite baseball team: "Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce you to our new manager, Dusty Baker."

- Good luck Reds fans. And Adam Dunn.

- I have a couple Yankee Candle scent ideas that I think would be a big hit amongst the guys: how about pot roast? Have you ever walked into a house where pot roast was cooking? Mmmm. It’s the best. Well the second best. The best scent would be barbeque ribs. You show me a guy who can resist the sweet smell of barbeque ribs, and I’ll show you a guy who…..well something derogatory that challenges his manhood.

- Then again, this is coming from a guy who knows about Heidi and Lauren.

- Okay I'm ending this. Enjoy the final hour-long episode of "The Office" tonight.

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What's the Outlook? Not good.

The following is an actual phone conversation I just had with a guy I work with named Bill:

Bill: "Hey Brian, you said yesterday that you were going to send me a meeting notice with the bridge information. Are you still working on putting that together?"

Brian: "I did that already. You accepted it."

[10 second pause]

Bill: "Oh you know what? I have my outlook set up to where it automatically accepts invites and then sends it to my deleted folder. Yeah never mind, I got it. I'll be there."

Brian: "Okay, did you need anything else?"

Bill: "No that's it. I'll talk to you on the bridge. Thanks."

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that ugly guy?

So earlier today, I went to Sportclips at lunch to get my haircut. I stopped going to Great Clips because Sportclips washes my hair for me afterwards and I hate being at work with hair clippings falling from my head. Also, Sportclips has televisions fixed on ESPN so I get to catch up on highlights of all the games that I watched live the day before. What kind of guy wouldn’t want that?

But today I had a problem; the girl cutting my hair wouldn’t shut up. It’s really a hit or miss kind of deal when you go into this place. You’ll either get a girl who says nothing and let’s you enjoy watching TV, or you’ll get a girl who wants to know things about you like where do you work and how long is your lunch break and do you know that you look like Rex Grossman? Yeah, she asked me about all of those things. Frankly, I could do without the “where do you work” question. I hate that question. I don’t even really know a good answer for it.

"Uh, I work for blah blah blah and I enjoy it and it’s a good gig and I like the people I work with and I’ve worked there for a while and sorry no I cannot get you a discount on your phone and somebody please kill me now."

It’s never an exciting conversation. It’s not like I’m an astronaut or something. I didn’t split the atom. I don’t own exotic properties on the East Coast. I’m not an architect. Hmm, maybe I should be. That’s a good idea. Next time somebody asks me what I do for a living, I’ll pull a George Costanza and say I’m an architect. That could work.

No it wouldn’t. The fact is I don’t want to talk about work; I want to watch sports. I thought that was the point of this place. So anyway, after the job conversation, I was just about ready for her to put me out of my misery by jabbing me in the ear with her scissors when she dropped this on me: "Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like Rex Grossman?"

I wanted to respond with "has anyone ever told you that you talk too much and your tip is going down by a dollar with each question you ask me?", but instead I just said "yeah, I get that sometimes." She wasn’t done with me there though. She took it to another level.

She continued on with "It’s too bad it’s Rex Grossman. It’d be one thing if you looked like Tom Brady or…….who is that guy on the Cowboys?"

"Tony Romo," I said, reaching for any weapon I could get my hands on.

"Yeah, Tony Romo," she said. "He’s hot. So is Brady. They both are. Not to say that you’re not good looking, but Rex isn’t hot at all. And he’s not very good this year, is he?"

"No. No he’s not."

"Well hopefully he’ll do better in the playoffs this year than he did last year."

"Yes. If I could have but just one wish, that would be it."

The OFFicial insect repellent of 1 Happy St.

I wanted to take some time to talk about a product that I really love: OFF!

As someone prone to mosquito bites and as someone with a healthy fear of bugs, I really can't say enough about Off. Off is just a great product. If you haven't tried Off for yourself, I highly recommend you get Off as soon as possible.

You can get Off almost anywhere. I have personally gotten Off at a number of different stores, such as Target or WalMart. You can even get Off on the internet!

Most people don't know of all the different ways you can get Off. For instance, did you know that you can get Off with Skintastic® lotion? Who knew that getting Off could be good for your skin? You can also get Off in towelettes so you don't accidentally get Off in your eyes. Moms love that getting Off on your clothes will not leave stains!

You can get Off to protect you from ticks, fleas and mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus. Are you a Cub Scout leader? For the protection of your troop, you just can't beat Off. If you're somewhere where it's impossible to get Off, then you should wear long sleeves and long pants tucked into boots or socks whenever possible.

Off makes a great stocking stuffer, too! Who wouldn't love getting Off for Christmas? You may also want to surprise your sweetie this Sweetest Day by getting her Off!

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Chester the Molester

Does anybody find it a coincidence that the guy who is responsible for this story is named Chester? Chester the molester? Are you kidding me? Why didn't his parents just name him Rapist?

Have I taken this blog to the wrong place?

I apologize.

Forget I mentioned it.

Hi-dee-ho Neighbor

About a month ago, I got home from work and I noticed that Jill was sitting outside in Old Guy's front yard with Old Guy and our new neighbors from 2-doors down Zach and Jennifer. At the time, I had not yet met these new neighbors. So as you can imagine, I didn't want to meet them for the first time with Old Guy calling me Mike. But as soon as I got out of my car, Old Guy yelled over.

"Hey Mike, got time for a cold one?"

"Always," I yelled back.

"Son of a bitch," I whispered to myself.

As I walked over, Old Guy ran in his house to grab a few more beers and my new neighbors stood up to introduce themselves.

"It's nice to meet you BRIAN," said my new neighbor Zach.

"Yes BRIAN, it's nice to meet you," added Jennifer.

I shook their hands with a puzzled look on my face.

"Don't worry," said Zach. "Jill already told us. Your secret is safe with us. Oh, and that's hilarious."

Just then, Old Guy came out with a handful of beers. "Here you go Mike," he said, handing me a beer. "Have you met everyone?"

"Yes, just now," I said.

"It's about time you all met each other," he said. "I kept trying to get you guys together but everyone's always so busy. It's just too bad the summer's over now."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was avoiding this moment all summer to prevent any embarrassment. I guess time will tell if Zach and Jennifer will be as good at keeping my secret as I have been.

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Maybe we should put him on the poly

I think all first dates should involve a polygraph test. Questions could be asked like "do your parents still pay your bills for you" or "do you have continued contact with an ex" or "have you ever had anything repossessed" or "can you read". Think about all the things this would accomplish that dinner and a movie wouldn’t. I bet I know what Jill’s first question to me would have been: "do you ever eat in bed?" I would have answered with "occasionally", and then she would have ended it right there.

Hmm, maybe my idea isn’t so good after all.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

You gotta love Indian pop music

4 minutes and 39 seconds of goodness

Starbucks, Bill Maher, and other Randoms

- I discovered a tell when an actor or musician isn’t comfortable being a panelist on "Real Time with Bill Maher". After everything they say, they’ll take a sip of whatever is in their coffee mug. Watch for it. If they say something and immediately take a sip, you know they’re not confident with the discussion topic.

- Donuts are delicious, but why must they be so much more appealing when they are free and eaten at work? (courtesy of Maegan)

- It’s too bad that I’m not a fan of the show, because now that I have Tivo, it would only take me about 35 minutes to watch 60 Minutes, and that seems like an idea that I’d be interested in.

- A quick test that you can play in your office on Friday jean day to determine how old a guy is. If his buttoned shirt is tucked into his jeans, he’s at least 30. If his buttoned shirt is untucked, he’s still in his 20’s. I can’t wait until a year from now when I get to start tucking in my shirt.

- Starbucks coffee sucks.

- Do you realize there’s a whole generation of kids who don’t know what it’s like to take a crappy picture and have to keep it? The rest of us are left with shoe boxes full of blinks, red eyes, and partial thumbs.

- Seriously, Starbucks coffee sucks. It tastes burned. All of their other stuff is good, but for a place that calls itself Starbucks Coffee, you’d think they’d have good coffee. Like if they were a hamburger restaurant and I went in there and ordered a hamburger and a coffee, first of all that would be kind of weird. Who orders a coffee with a hamburger? But the point is I wouldn’t blame them for the burned taste. I’d let it slide, enjoy the burger, and order a Coke the next time like a normal person. But they’re not a hamburger joint. Their money product is friggin coffee. So why does it suck?

- Just to see if they’re onto something, I’m gonna open a restaurant called "Brian’s Tacos". My tacos will taste awful but I’ll have awesome chimichangas. There’s no way this could work.

- They say it’s better for you to sleep on your back rather than your stomach. But every time I sleep like that, I wake up with pain in my lower back. So that can’t be right.

- I’d tell you to have a good weekend, but you probably have no control over how good it will be. So instead, just avoid Starbucks coffee and take it from there. And if you’re Devin Hester, just continue being you.

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Bears kick returner Devin Hester attempting to remain inconspicuous

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

In case you're looking for someone to root for in the ALCS

If you're like me, you no longer have a rooting interest in Major League Baseball's 2007 season. You're still going to watch the remainder of the playoff games and you still love baseball, but you couldn't care less who wins because your favorite team has been eliminated.

If you're even more like me, this probably angers you. You want there to be a reason to watch these games aside from your love of baseball. You want to root for somebody. Anybody. You want to have a reason to continue putting up with commercials for "Frank TV" (whose George Bush impression is spot-on by the way). Well I think I may have one for you, and it's Indians pitcher Paul Byrd. Consider this article:

Two years ago, Byrd was pitching for the Angels when his younger son, Colby, 7, made an observation that left him reeling. Colby, as unimpressed with his father as only a son can be, told Byrd that if he was any good, he would be pitching for the Yankees.

"He would play this baseball video game and say, 'You know, dad, your stuff's not very good,''' Byrd recalled Tuesday in an interview with "He asked, 'Why are the Yankees always so good? Every video game we get, they've got the best team.' I explained to him that they spend a lot of money on players. If a player is really good, they try to trade for him. Usually, they have kind of an All-Star team. He kind of tucked that away in his memory," Byrd continued. "About two months later, I was signing autographs. He said, dead serious, 'Why would anyone want your autograph?' He said, 'You're not any good, you're just average.' I said, 'I've been pitching in the big leagues about 10 years. I've done this and that.' He said, 'Dad, if you were any good, the Yankees would have traded for you.'

Too funny. Paul Byrd may be just an average pitcher, but he's also got a son who is comedy gold. And for that, I now have a rooting interest in the ALCS. Go Byrd. Er, Go Indians!

Don't you just love it when people write their entire email in the subject line instead of using all that space in the body of the email?

I know I do.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Christmas lights, yo momma, and other Randoms

- I don’t like that every month, I get one of my paychecks on the same day that my mortgage is due. It’d be nice to see that money in my bank account for at least a couple of hours.

- Do insurance companies have insurance? And if so, whom do they buy it from? It seems like that would be an infinite problem.

- It’s been a while since I heard a good 'yo momma' joke. Like 'yo momma is so old, her phone number is 6'. That’s a good one. I want more though.

- My updated to-do list: Bring back no duh, bring back hot dog (which I think is working), and bring back yo momma jokes. I also have to get a present for Jill’s birthday tomorrow, but that can wait.

- The guy who puts on his resume' couldn’t be serious about finding a job, could he? I could see if he was in the top 5, but 7th? No chance.

- It was over 80 degrees outside when I winterized my pool this year. I’m not sure what this means, but it can’t be good news. I can only hope I’ll be so lucky for Christmas light day.

- Greg, remember Christmas light day when we were younger? Ugh. Hey, can you do me a favor and balance yourself on the edge of this roof in the freezing cold for a little while? No? You want to stay inside where it’s warm and play Nintendo? Nonsense. C’mon outside. It’ll only be 6 hours. Wear your good jeans. And grab my drill. And the broken folding ladder. And put these extra bulbs in your pocket; we’re gonna need ‘em once we’re up on the roof and nothing works. Also, go out to my truck and get those 24 extension cords. And hold on to this big box of screws. Don’t let them fall off the roof. Where’s your brother?

- If he’s smart, he’ll be at a friend’s house until tomorrow.

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Royals By Mail

Monday, October 08, 2007

The only marathon I'm participating in is a Nick at Nite rerun

I think it's interesting that people have to be told that running 26 miles in 88 degree weather may not be a good idea. If you hadn't heard, 1 person died and approximately 250 people required some form of medical care during the Chicago marathon on Sunday.

I can see wanting the sense of accomplishment from having finished a marathon, but attempting it yesterday in that weather was just silly. Take my word for it; the humidity was crazy. I needed a shower after having walked to the street to get the mail.

Then again, is there really any skill that goes into running a marathon anyway? If you can run it in under 3 hours, I will admit that's pretty impressive. But for the folks in the 4-6 hour range, finishing a marathon requires no skill whatsoever outside of knowing how to jog (or is it yog?). Uh oh, I think I may have just pissed off the marathon folks. That's a rough crowd to have angry at you, what with the 85 lb women and all. But I have a plan to make this a real sport, so hear me out. I think for next year, the organizers of the Chicago Marathon should incorporate some kind of running of the bulls with it. For the first 25 miles, participants get to yog along at their own pace, share in the refreshments at each stop, and talk with the neighborhood folks. But then the last mile is roped off with angry bulls running at each participant like they do in Spain. Not only will the runners be wicked tired, but they'll have to avoid getting pummeled and horned. Now that's a sport.

[Editors note: Brian is actually envious of marathon runners and hopes to be one some day. However, he has a habit of putting down people who he acknowledges are better than him]

Yeah but can it fly?

I want this thing. No seriously; I want it right [bleep]ing now. I'll even take it in yellow (half off of course).

Watch the video.

Stripper Poll

Pam Anderson has re-married (again), this time to Rick Salomon, he of freaky green sex-tape with Paris Hilton fame (not that I've seen it). There's no way this ends without rehab or more sex-tapes, so we're taking a poll.

If you have any thoughts, please share them here.

"If he dies, he dies"

The Sportsmanship Award for Week 5 in the NFL, an award that is given out by me only when I find a sarcastic and/or ironic reason for doing so, and which holds no monetary value whatsoever, goes out to Travis Johnson of the Houston Texans.

Johnson managed to give Miami quarterback Trent Green a concussion after Green tried to block him during a play in Sunday's game. Green lay still on the field for several minutes as trainers rushed the field to check on him. Dolphins players gathered near midfield to pray as medical staff took Green off the field on a stretcher. Johnson, however, began to taunt Green and his motionless body, earning a 15-yard taunting penalty.

After the game, Johnson unleashed an expletive-filled rant, calling Green a scarecrow. "My knee ain't never hurt like it hurt today,'' Johnson said. "If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don't hit me in my knee. I'm trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of man he was.''

Later, Johnson paid a visit to Green's house and kicked his dog in the ribs.

Okay so I made that last part up, but all of the rest is real. Travis Johnson may be my new favorite non-Bear. Simply outstanding.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Ryan Dempster: My favorite Chicago Cub

You may remember from earlier in the season, Brian's post about the wacky Cubs pitcher, Ryan Dempster training to become a ninja. If that was enough to make you an instant Dempster fan, this story, passed along to me by my brother-in-law Daryl, may make you rush out to buy a Cubby blue Dempster jersey!

I still want the Cubs to lose, but I'll root for them whenever Dempster takes the hill. Click the image to see what Dempster wrote on the ball.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

HBO, Vehicle Identification Number Numbers, and other Randoms

- Why do the car manufacturers make it so difficult for us to read the VIN? The eight looks like a B, the five looks like an S, the lower-case L looks like a one, and there’s no way to tell the difference between an O and a zero. What the [bleep]?

- Speaking of the VIN, that's one of those acronyms where we should be allowed to say 'number' at the end without being called an idiot. Yes I know I'm essentially saying 'vehicle identification number number', but can we please shut up about it?

- The McDonald’s Monopoly game has started back up. What’s to stop someone from creating a website called "" or something, then agreeing to split the winnings with another individual who, combined between the two of them, will have the game pieces needed to win a grand prize? Greg, get on that. And I call half of your half.

- Why don’t people say 'hot dog' when they’re excited anymore? As soon as I successfully bring back 'no duh', I’m gonna try bringing back 'hot dog' too.

- If you’re looking for a website to keep you occupied for 300 or 400 hours or so, click here. It’s a database of every televised movie review of Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel/Richard Roeper (and some fill-ins) from the past 20 years. The Internet has been around for a while now, but in my opinion, this website should have been created first. My recommendations so far – Ebert’s hatred for the movie "North" and Siskel’s over-the-top love for the movie "Kingpin". Simply wonderful.

- With "The Sopranos" being over and "Entourage" completely sucking last season, is it time for me to scrap HBO and make the switch to Showtime? I hear good things about that Californication show. Although it's never a good sign for a movie channel if they play crappy movies during the freebie week.

- Go Cubs tonight? Blasphemy yes, but I don't care. Enjoy the playoffs.

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Don't take the physical challenge

I have another study that I would like to call shenanigans on. Admittedly, the conclusion that the study reached is probably accurate, but I prefer to look at it from a different angle.

According to the study, kids who watch too much television at a young age will be at a greater risk of developing attention problems as they get older. My goodness, it's really cold in here. Well I watched a lot of television when I was a kid, and I think I'm fine. Sure I probably have attention issues, but who doesn't? I think my car is out of gas. I better get some at lunch so that I won't have to on my way home.

Focus Brian.

Watching too much television isn't a bad thing. If anything, it's a way to bring kids together. Remember when you were a kid and you'd have conversations with some friends of yours about a show on Nickelodeon or something, then there would always be that one kid who felt left out because they didn't have cable? Isn't childhood isolation much worse than simple attention issues as an adolescent or adult? I'd say so. Wouldn't you much rather be able to join in during classroom discussions about "Double Dare" or "Hey Dude" or "You Can't Do That On Television" than being able to focus your brain for more than 30 minutes? Of course.

So let's put these studies to bed. Don't go outside and don't join any clubs. Put down the books and turn on the tube. It's what you want. It's what we all want. I hope I remembered to turn off the coffee pot this morning.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Don't do drugs.

It's nice to meet you

Remember the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry refuses to let a guy into his building with him because he doesn't recognize the guy as being his neighbor, but then he eventually comes to realize that the guy lives on the same floor and right across the hall from him?

This morning, I got on the elevator with this guy that I recognized a little bit, but not enough to know which floor he worked on. I turned to him and said "where you goin'?" He said "I'm on 6 with you." All I could muster in response was "oh that's right, sorry 'bout that."

I know it's only 6 floors, but that was the longest elevator ride ever. Turns out that guy has worked with me for over a year.


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The Mom Song (Sang to William Tell Overture)

Pretty clever. Especially if you're a Mom. Or have one. The singer is Anita Renfroe.

Gloves are off in portable grill battle

In a move that seems stolen directly from SNL, heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield has decided to accept a rematch with George Foreman. This time, however, they won't be boxing. Holyfield has announced that he is throwing his hat into the ring selling grills. The "Evander Holyfield Real Deal Grill" is being touted as a direct competitor to the popular George Foreman "Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine".

Showing off his keen marketing sense, Holyfield told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "I've got a George Foreman grill. It's a good grill."

According to the manufacturer's website, the grill "comes with a deluxe stand and multiple interchangeable cooking surfaces and many other add-on items also available making it the must have grill from camping in the mountains to tailgating to grilling at home." However, there is reportedly no truth to the rumor that this grill will impregnate your daughter when you're out of the house.

Fra-gee-lee, must be Italian

I've read this story a couple times now and I still don't think I understand it. Can somebody please help me out here? Here's what it sounds like:

A man named John Wood is involved in a plane crash and has to have his leg amputated. He asks the doctors if he can keep the severed limb so that when he dies he can be buried with it. The doctors oblige. Fast-forward. Financial troubles cause Wood to lose his house, so he rents a storage locker for all of his possessions. To save space (perhaps?), he puts his amputated leg in a smoker (perfectly reasonable). Fast-forward again. He misses some payments on the storage locker, so the facility auctions off his possessions, including the smoker, which unbeknownst to the auctioneers, contains a severed leg inside.

Hey, maybe we should open that smoker to see if there's anything inside it.

Nah, let's start the auction.

So the smoker (and leg) gets purchased by a man named Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant gets the thing home, opens it up, and OHMYGOD THERE'S A FRIGGIN LEG IN HERE!

Here's where the story gets shady.

Right, it's not shady yet.

Whisnant calls the police, the police determine that the severed leg was not put there as a result of foul play (how the hell did they determine that?), and it is then handed over to a funeral home. However, being the entrepreneur that he is, Whisnant has a change of heart.

Is there any way to profit off of this thing? Of course there is. People will come from all over the globe to see a real severed leg on display. And I'm sure they'll pay admission too. It's almost too perfect.

Whisnant consults with an attorney to try and get the leg back so that he can charge people to view it. Of course the law sides with Wood because it's his friggin leg. So Whisnant tries to persuade Wood to share it.

C'mon Man, you can have it during the week, I'll get it on weekends and holidays. We'll make millions! Or at least hundreds.

Wood wants no part of that, saying "I don't mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I'm not looking to really profit off this thing."


Monday, October 01, 2007

Ramen noodles, vacations, and other Randoms

- When did rush hour become rush 13 hours?

- My least favorite part of coming back to work from a vacation: opening an email from the previous Wednesday that says something like "do not bring a lunch tomorrow, we're ordering pizzas for everyone." Son of a Bitch, I missed the free pizzas.

- I think separating laundry colors is a big myth. It may apply to red, but that's about it.

- There's something exciting about starting a fresh notepad. Or maybe not.

- If I have an itch in my ear, can I scratch it with my pen cap? Or is that too gross?

- How did popcorn get its own microwave button? To me, that seems kind of unfair to Ramen and Beef-a-roni.

- My second least favorite part of coming back to work from a vacation: getting a voice mail from someone who says something like "I know you're out of the office this week, but could you call me back next Monday when you get in?" I don't know about you, but my vacation usually doesn't end until my first Tuesday back. Monday is a wash.

- And seeing as though Monday is a wash, I am ending today's Randoms right here. It's good to be back though. Happy New Month!

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A Foul Poll: MLB Playoffs edition

So the 2007 MLB Playoffs are (almost) set. There's a 1-game playoff today between San Diego and Colorado for the NL Wild Card.

Pick your horse in the race for the '07 World Series title. As always, let us know who you voted for and why by leaving a comment.

You said you weren't getting her anything. Now I look like an idiot.

Happy belated birthday to 1HappySt's Mom (9/28). After reading this story, I am thankful that Greg and I were hundreds of miles apart from each other last Friday.