Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Rod Blagojevich: mad genius

My governor is a piece of work. I just can't get over how oblivious he is that he thought assigning a senator on Tuesday was the right play. He's going about his business like nothing ever happened. Worst of all, he appointed an old black guy, so he made it tough to even get mad at him.

Hmm, it was a complete jackass move. But he appointed a black dude. If I say that's ridiculous, does that make me racist?

Yes. Yes it does.

If the 2008 election taught us anything as a nation, it's that voting for a white guy under any circumstances is racist. So by appointing a black guy, Rod Blagojevich has made it difficult to speak out about it. He even has some people praising the move.

Fuckin' diabolical.

I'm moving to Michigan.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cleaning out my locker with some NFL thoughts

The Lions finished 0-16. They're the first NFL team in history to lose 16 games in a season. Awesome. I'm not sure how you feel about that; I'm pretty indifferent. My hatred for the Vikings and Packers overshadows my feelings towards the Lions. I guess if the Bears don't win the NFC North, I'd wish for Detroit to win it. I like those guys up there.

There is one thing for Lions fans to get excited about. Quotes from their former #1 WR Roy Williams:

[Roy] Williams caught only 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown over 10 games after being acquired from Detroit for three draft picks, including Dallas' first-rounder (20th overall). He and [Tony] Romo never got in sync, including an interception on a ball thrown his way Sunday.

"I would love to take the blame for that one, but I can't," Williams said. "Once we get a training camp under our system, we'll be good."

I'm not sure what part of that quote I love the most. Oh wait yes I do. The part where he says he'd love to take the blame for an interception, but he can't. That's too great. Stay positive Lions fans. Hopefully your team doesn't waste their two 1st round picks on skill positions. Look on the bright side; your team finished 0-16, but all they really did was miss the playoffs, which is the same thing my team did. Of course that thought is lost on Bears CB Charles Tillman:

"Yeah, I think we're a playoff team," cornerback Charles Tillman said [after his team lost], still giving off smoke from the torching Houston's Andre Johnson gave him. "We made it this far, and we're this close. Who wouldn't think we were a playoff team? … Aren't we a playoff team?"

Apparently Charles Tillman is unaware of that silly note in the NFL rulebook that states "you can only be considered a playoff team if you actually, you know, make the playoffs. This seems obvious and almost pointless to put in an official rulebook, but hey, you never know."

Oh it's in there. You can check. It comes right after the part about overtime ties. Zing!

The playoffs better get here quick.

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You don't have to worry; this is necessary

We all know that the average prices of homes in the U.S. are dropping. A year ago, single-family homes were selling 18% higher than they are today. This is not news. But it is tough to know what that really means. What is 18% of your home's value from a year ago if you didn't know what your home was worth last December? Also, weren't home prices dropping in 2007 already? When was my house at its peak value? Well, if you're an average American with an average single-family home, your peak value was probably early 2005. The problem with that peak value though was that it was inflated. Actually it was probably just a lie.

Value is real when it's created based on what other people are willing to pay. If you have a house that appraises at $250,000, but people are only willing to pay $200,000, I'm sorry but your house is only worth $200,000. Mortgagers didn't care about this though. They were handing out loans based on the appraisal, and the appraisers were inflating the worth because it was needed for approval. It was a circular process, but everybody was winning. Mortgagers got their money, people got their loans, and everyone increased their "worth". Yay!

Until the purge happened. We're Americans; we can't have a good thing. If something comes along that's good, we exploit it until we kill it. It's like with that show "Who wants to be a millionaire" (the Regis version, not the one with Meredith). Remember when that show came on like 10 years ago? Everybody was watching it. It got record ratings in primetime and it saved ABC. So what did they do with it? They put it on 5 days a week until people got sick of it. They force-fed us with Everything Regis until we wanted to kill him. Then the show started to come back to earth and now it's only on in the morning. It was too much of a good thing.

That was the housing market, and so now the purge is happening. But you know what? Purge is a good thing. It allows for fresh starts. Like the ice age. Can you imagine if a meteor had never hit the earth and dinosaurs were still around? Besides Carl Everett having one less thing to talk crazy about, instead of dogs, we'd have snorkasaurus's and instead of automatic brakes, we'd use our feet. Oh and without the ratings purge, Regis would still be dominating your television from morning to night. Nobody needs that.

So here's to the purge.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A conversation with Jill at the bar...

Jill: "Oh my god you have to turn around and see this creepy guy sitting at the bar."

Brian: "The guy with the ponytail?"

Jill: "No, the guy next to him."

And she was right. The guy next to him was creepier. I think it's safe to say that if you're creepier than a guy with a ponytail, it's time to start rethinking some things.

ED: this isn't the first "creepy guys" tag. I can't wait to publish this to see what it was.

Friday, December 26, 2008

You don't care about this, so skip it

It's impossible to skip something when you're told to skip it. That's why you're gonna continue reading. I'll give you a strong effort, but I can guarantee that you'll regret going any further.

Okay, it's your life.

So I'm listening to the Bulls/Heat game on the radio right now. Dwyane Wade just picked up his 2nd foul midway through the 1st quarter, so he was taken out of the game. I never understood the logic with this kind of thinking. I can understand taking him out if you think he's just not in sync or something, but that's not why his coach did it. Wade was taken out so that he doesn't pick up a 3rd foul. Think about that. He's being taken out of the game in the 1st quarter so that he doesn't [POSSIBLY] foul out in the 4th. Doesn't the 1st quarter count just as much as the 4th? Wouldn't it make more sense to keep your best player in the game as long as possible and gamble that he won't pick up another foul? At least then you're not purposely taking away his minutes.

Eh.

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Salary cap or suicides? A pledge for the latter

Some time earlier in the week while I was either finishing up my Christmas shopping or shoveling my driveway for the 80th time or watching a rerun episode of Roseanne or throwing rocks at passing cars from an overpass, the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira to play 1st base for the next 8 years. I know what you're thinking: Roseanne? Yeah, about a month ago, MeTV was showing an old Thanksgiving episode. It was one of them with Nanna Mary (or is it Nanna Marie?) and it's a classic and I always enjoyed it, so I set my DVR to tape it. Somehow though I ended up setting my DVR to tape every episode any time it airs on any station ever and I just haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. So any given day, I'll check my DVR for things that have taped and I'll have a backlog of 4 or 5 Roseanne episodes on there. Whatever. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira for 8 years and eleven billionty dollars (or is it billiondy?). He's a good hitter and a good fielder and he makes the Yankees better and this is just another example of the rich getting richer and blah blah blah gayness. I was intrigued by the signing though because it meant that the Yankees had somehow managed to sign 3 of the top free agents so far this winter who are worth a shit when being graded for their overall baseball skilz. Yeah that's how I spell skilz. How do you spell it? With an S? Two L's? Ha! Child's play. So afterwards, I was so intrigued that I took an unscientific poll of non-Yankee fans to get their reactions to the amount of money that was spent. On average, my poll found two different responses.

1. This is insane. MLB needs a salary cap.
2. This is insane. Every member of the Yankees front-office should kill themselves.

Granted, my unscientific poll consisted of me and my brother-in-law. But the results I think would have been the same with a greater number of participants. I don't have a whole lot of knowledge when it comes to basic economic principles, so I can't really address whether or not MLB needs a salary cap. But I think I have enough knowledge when it comes to basic asshole principles to address whether or not the Yankees' entire front-office should kill themselves. If you're an asshole, the whole world would be better off if you killed yourself; that's a given. So the questions become 'what factors make someone an asshole and do these factors apply to the Yankees front-office''? I think being an asshole comes down to 5 things:

Do people hate you?
Do you not care that people hate you?
Do you do things specifically to make people hate you?
Do you live in New York?
Do people call you "asshole"?

If the answer is yes to at least 1 of those questions, then yes, you are an asshole. So how does the front-office of the New York Yankees stand up? They're a whopping 5 for 5.

Hank Steinbrenner, we'll start with you.

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Have the hap-hap-happiest day after Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny bleepin' Kaye

As you head out to the mall or Target or Macy's or any of the other places I wouldn't want to be within 100 yards of today, remember that the person working behind that service desk isn't making shit to be there. It's probably under $10 per hour and they have to be there all day when they could be out spending time with their family (or doing what you're doing). Also, the person that they waited on right before you was some crazy Mom who was yelling at them because their store has a no-return policy on opened video games. It's not their policy. In fact, if it was up to them, they'd be taking back everything. What do they care? But they're just doing their job. And it's a suck job, especially today.

So be nice.

Monday, December 22, 2008

You did all that for a pinky toe? And Merry Chri...er Holidays

I probably won't be posting much here if at all for the rest of the week. I'm on vacation and won't be near a computer all that much. Plus when I'm not at work, things just don't happen to me that are worth posting. So lack of material will be another reason. One thing did happen to me over the weekend though. I broke my pinky toe. I was running full speed through my house for no good reason whatsoever and slammed my bare foot into a dresser. It was awesome. My pinky toe got the brunt of the impact. Actually it got all of the impact. I went down like a guy who had just stubbed his pinky toe on a dresser. I didn't even catch myself as I went down so I ended up skinning my knee on the carpet. I haven't had a skinned knee since I was 12. Yeah, so Merry Christmas. We're starting this shit off right. I included a picture over there on the right for your enjoyment. Ain't it great? Poor little guy.

Anyway, since I have nothing left to add, my tradition: Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are privided on an "as is" basis, and Brian disclaims any and all warranties, expressed or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Via here:

NEW YORK, New York -- Jeremy Piven is ending his run in Broadway's "Speed-the-Plow," due to a condition caused by a high mercury count, according to Variety.

The "Entourage" star missed a Tuesday evening performance and a Wednesday matinee due to his high mercury count health concerns, but David Mamet, the playwright of "Speed-the-Plow," appears skeptical of the actor's exit.

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mamet told the entertainment trade mag. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."


David Mamet gets a gold star.

Tomaron nuestros trabajos

About a week ago I received an unsolicited email thanking me for applying for a Spanish translator job. I rarely if ever get unsolicited email to my work account, but I figured it had to be spam since I had never applied for a Spanish translator job (that I knew of). Also, the extent of my knowledge of Spanish consists of knowing that I’m a gringo and that piso mojado means wet floor. So I deleted the email and thought nothing else of it. Much to my surprise, I got a follow-up.

Brian,

Thank you for your recent inquiry for our [Spanish translator job] at [Company Name]. We have not heard back from you to schedule an interview, but the position is still available. Please contact me at [phone number] so that we can schedule a time where we can meet.

Thank you,
[Guy’s Name]


Should I respond? Oh, and which one of you jokers sent in my resume' for this?

ED: There is no perfect translation for the word "job" in Spanish, so this blog title is the best I can do.

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What do Lions fans want?

At least 2 of the people who have ever come to this site are from Michigan. So perhaps one of them can answer Joe Posnanski's questions:

Do Detroit Lions fans want their team to go 0-16? I think this is a deep question, one that might take a full blog post or essay or something. But I try to put myself in a Lions fan shoes, and my first reaction is that, yes, absolutely, I would want 0-16. I mean, that’s a bit of history. If the Lions go 1-15, they’re just down there with a handful of nondescript and incredibly bad football teams — there wouldn’t be anything SPECIAL about them. If you are going to be bad, be historically bad, that’s what I always say.

But, then I started to think of my own childhood, when I was a young Cleveland Browns fan, and how every football loss took away a little piece of my soul. Oh man, those weeks at school after Browns losses were TERRIBLE. I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for just about the whole week — you know that feeling, when something bad happened, and you just had that sick feeling. You might not even remember precisely what happened was but you still feel it in your belly. I know there are young Lions fans out there who are like that, and I could not wish 16 losses on any of them.

But then I started to think about how much pain the Lions have put those fans through the last few years — I mean, it has been ptiful. It wasn’t just that the Lions were terrible; no, they have snubbed their nose at the fans by refusing to fire their GM, by continuing to hire goofy head coaches, by doing all sorts of nonsensical things in the draft. And as a fan, maybe you want 0-16 so that ownership will REALLY panic and start doing the George Castanza opposite thing. I mean, sure, 1-15 might lead to a new direction, but 0-16 DEFINITELY leads to a new direction, that’s like a punch in the face and everyone would have to stare in the mirror and say, “Um, OK, we literally could not have been worse. I guess every single thing we have done the last few years has been wrong. So let’s completely change course.” That would be good for the Lions.

But then I started to think about those players, the coaches, all the people who invested their hearts into this team. Do they deserve 0-16? Does anyone? Detroit is going through rough times. Isn’t this too cruel?

So basically, I don't know the answer to the question.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I had no idea I worked with Abbott and Costello

Guy 1: I bet you a dollar that I can make this shot.
Guy 2: I bet you $5 that you miss it.
Guy 1: Wait, so you wanna bet $6 then?
Guy 2: No, just $5.
Guy 1: What about the original dollar?
Guy 2: Okay fine. Your dollar plus my $5.
Guy 1: So $6 then?
Guy 2: No. It’s two separate bets.
Guy 1: But it’s for the same thing.
Guy 2: Whatever, you’re not making it regardless.

At least he didn't say "irregardless"

This is how my day has gone

Oh shit, more snow on my car. Bad day.
Hmm, very little traffic this morning. That’s odd. But good day.
My nose is kind of stuffed up. Bad day.
A full pot of coffee is waiting for me in the break room. Good day.
SL is talking real loudly about her kids again. Bad day.
Management is serving lunch to celebrate Christmas. Good day.
I didn’t know about that beforehand, so I brought a lunch. Bad day.
Hey but now I have a lunch for tomorrow. Good day.
Sam keeps asking me for my opinion in his confidence pool. Bad day.
This Fruit Punch G2 tastes delicious. Good day.
Why does this guy keep emailing me? Bad day.
Hey, did you see that caramello is being sold in the break room? Good day.

I think I may have some food issues.

I'll give you the truth just as soon as I come up with it

Here is a quote from Rod Blagojevich earlier Wednesday morning:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. That's who I'm dying to talk to. There's a time and place for everything. That day will soon be here and you might know more about that today, maybe no later than tomorrow."

There's a lot of non-information in there. Luckily, I'm here to translate:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. It's been over a week since I was arrested and I would have given the people of Illinois my side of the story sooner, but my lawyers hadn't come up with what that side of the story was yet. They're preparing a statement for me though and I think it's just about completed. I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to reading it too. They're some smart people, those lawyers of mine. And the charges against me are pretty straight-forward. I mean I'm on fucking tape trying to sell a Senate job. Believe me, I'm intrigued for my statement just as much as you are."

It's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings

Whenever I watch a MNF game, I always get a kick out of the player introductions in the beginning where each starter tells me their name and the college they went to. You hear things like:

- Assante Samuel, University of Central Florida
- Victor Abiamiri, Notre Dame
- Donovan McNabb, Syracuse University

Someone who went to Ohio State will always call it "THE Ohio State University". I'm not sure what that's all about. Is there two of them? Is he making sure I know which one he went to? Yeah I don't get it, but whatever. But just once, I'd like for a player to have a little fun with it. Maybe they can make up a school. "Assante Samuel, The University for Southern Baptist Bishops". No, I know. They could use a school that doesn't even have a football team. How about this: "Assante Samuel, The University of Phoenix....on line"

Oh that's gold. It would get at least one laugh.

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A correction to a movie reference that I'm embarrassed to admit I got wrong

Donald(09:52:31): I'm a little disappointed in you, after getting a plaxo update, i read your blog
Donald(09:52:47): Ronald Miller doesn't stand up to Rico Suave at then end
Donald(09:52:59): it was the other shmoe who spilled cheap wine on cindy
Brian(09:53:21): at the school cafeteria?
Donald(09:53:26): yes
Brian(09:53:39): I thought Rico Suave was messing with Kenneth so Ronald stepped in
Donald(09:54:04): Rico's not that kind of guy.....it was what's his name
Donald(09:54:17): 2:20
Donald(09:54:18): of this video
Brian(09:54:35): damnit you're right
Donald(09:54:38): 2:34..... Rico is on the right.....farm boy in the middle
Brian(09:54:56): I feel ashamed
Brian(09:55:03): but this is going up there as clarification

I know he murders his wives and all, but damn he's cute in a "big head and fat belly" kind of way

Via here: Drew Peterson is engaged to a 23-year-old woman, CBS-Ch.2 is reporting this morning. His publicist has confirmed the engagement happened a few days ago, the station said. Her name has not been disclosed. Peterson is a suspect in the death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio, and implicated in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy, to whom he is still married.

Women are insane. Yes, I'm impugning all of them. If this can happen again, every woman is responsible.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Perhaps the Bulls would be good if they played in an octagon

Have you ever stopped and wondered why every MLB field has different dimensions? Don't answer that; it was rhetorical. Of course you've never stopped and wondered that. Only I stop and wonder silly things like that. But hear me out for a second.

Just a couple of examples: the right field foul pole at Fenway Park is 302 feet from home plate. On a good day, I could reach back and throw a baseball that far (probably not). At Petco Field, the right field pole is 322 feet away from home plate. Obviously, left handed pull hitters have a much better advantage playing at Fenway than they would by playing at Petco. With a little research, I could probably come up with a much better example than that one where the two fields I'm comparing have much different dimensions. But my point is this - every park is different. Some favor hitters, some favor pitchers, some favor neither.

Now imagine if the NFL allowed this. For instance, we all know that the Ravens have always been a better defensive team than offensive. So to exploit this, what if they decided to make their field 150 yards instead of 100? Opposing offenses would have further to go to score, which would give their defense an even bigger advantage than they already had coming in.

That'd be silly, right? So why does MLB allow it?

Okay, I'm shutting it now.

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A quip about our Prez using 2 movie references

It took us 8 years, but we now know that George Bush has the reflexes of a cat. How did it take us so long to figure that out? He must have studied the 5 D's from Patches: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.

Yeah, but who throws a shoe? I mean honestly.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Looking forward to Teen Witch 2

I sat and watched "Teen Witch" with Jill earlier tonight.

I could pretty much type whatever I want here and it won't matter, will it? There's really no recovery from typing the words "I watched Teen Witch" and publishing it on line for anyone to see. But I'm confident in my whatever it is I need to be confident in, so laugh all you want. Fact is, I took one for the team. I think Teen Witch is one of those movies that girls watch when they're in grade school or junior high and then remember it fondly later in life even though it sucked balls.

Now that isn't to say that it sucked balls in the way that you suck balls. Er, scratch that. No, not my balls. Scratch what you just read. What I meant to say is that it didn't suck balls in the way that Chris Klein movies suck balls; no it sucked balls in the way lower budget late-80's teen comedies suck balls. Bad acting, weird clothes, mullets aplenty, choreographed dance routines, gay younger brothers, popular quarterbacks dating popular cheerleaders, etc. etc. etc.

It starred Blake Lively's older sister, that guy who played Travis from Son in Law, one of the Darren's from Bewitched, and a late 80's Mustang 5.0 convertible. Yeah I think the Mustang got 4th billing in the credits.

Playing the role of Travis from Son in Law's car - 1989 Mustang 5.0 convertible. The director of this spectacular piece of crap had to have been in love with that car. Half the shots came from inside the car looking out, outside the car looking in, and a few from the point of view of the car itself.

I can't even tell you how it ended. It's like the people making it had 90 minutes to tell their story and they simply ran out of time. Nothing really got solved. You know how in every teen movie where the ugly duckling becomes popular, but it's at the expense of their current batch of ugly duckling friends, but then they all make up in the end after the lead learns a life lesson that they shouldn't treat their best friends poorly? Hmm, you don't know? Okay, think "Can't Buy Me Love". Ronald Miller ditches his poker friends for the popular kids, then shits on Kenneth's house. You shit on my house, Man. You shit on my house. Now do you also remember how Ronald stood up for Kenneth at the end when Rico Suave started messing with him in the outdoor cafeteria? Right, because that's what you do when you shit on your best friend's house: you stand up to Rico Suave. Okay so anyway, in this movie, Teen Witch becomes popular and starts treating her best friend poorly. At the end though (yes it takes place at a dance), they never end up making up. That whole story arc goes unfinished. Whatever happened to the best friend? Did they continue hanging out? Also, did Teen Witch continue with her witchcraft? I think she learned her lesson that she shouldn't abuse its powers, but was she still going to use it? Did she have her powers harnessed like Michael J. Fox was able to harnass his wolf? We don't know; the director ran out of time I guess.

This movie really needed a sequel.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

By the time you read this, your money will be gone

It's late and I'm about to go to bed. But I wanted to be the first to point out that by the time we all wake up in the morning, the stock market will have already started its Friday crash. Isn't it nice to know it beforehand? The bailout of the Big 3 fell through, and at the same time, Wall Street advisor Bernard Madoff has been accused of $50 billion worth of fraud in a ponzi scheme.

Awesome.

Happy Friday.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Virtual Insanity, v.2.0

I wonder if one of these virtual gaming companies will ever develop a virtual virtual console. Imagine yourself being behind the controller of your virtual self as he plays video games. That’d be awesome. You could yell at your virtual self as he wastes away his life, screaming things at him like "go outside you loser" or "don’t swing at the high pitch Man, what are you new to this?" Then your virtual wife can walk in and tell you to turn that shit off and take out the garbage while your real wife walks in and tells you to turn that shit off and help with dinner. It’ll be all kinds of confusing.

Drinkability, Bing Crosby, and other Randoms

It's really hard to convey to someone verbally that the vacuum you're using doesn't work well.

When taking a certification test, I'd rather bomb miserably than miss by a point or two. Poor Frank.

That vacuum one only works if I don't explain it. It probably doesn't work either way actually.

Companies that didn’t lose billions in the 3rd quarter but still plan to lay off employees in this type of economical environment are unpatriotic. Sometimes it would help if executives looked at the big picture. If keeping people on won’t cause them to go bankrupt in 2009, they should bite the bullet a little bit. Laying people off adds to the problem.

"The difference is drinkability" has to be the dumbest campaign slogan for a beer company in history. It’s not really saying anything, is it? Lots of things are drinkable; it doesn’t make them good. They would have been better off just flashing the words "Bud Light" on my screen for 30 seconds or so.

Do you think there are any politicians in Chicago who regret going through the troublesome route of actually campaigning to be voted in? All it really takes is enough cash to buy in. Screw the commercials and buttons and lawn signs. That’s too risky. Give that campaign money to the top dog and you’re a lock.

On that note, remember that if we had no winter, the spring wouldn’t be so pleasant. Wait no, that’s not true. They’d both be pleasant. Stupid winter.

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The more you know, 1 Happy St-style

I got an email forward this morning from a friend that I found interesting. It looked more like an urban legend than an actual story that happened to someone, but I got to thinking about it and I could see how what "happened" to this lady could actually happen to someone theoretically. So I forward it on to you (unnecessary ellipses and poorly constructed grammar included):
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This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... etc...was stolen.. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin number and I replied a little while ago.' When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account. Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad , Mom, etc..... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back!!
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Good info I think...... very informative...................!!!!!, !!! I think hubby is a jackass, but lots of hubbys are....jackasses. So ladies, if your hubby is a jackass, make sure, you tell him not to give out your BANK pin to you over text!!!!....!!.1>!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Strike this guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy out

video

I think I may have mentioned before that my favorite dubbing of a curse word in a movie that was playing on TBS or TNT continues to be when Roger Dorn approaches Rick Vaughn on the mound during the last game in Major League. In the unedited version, Roger says "let's cut through the crap Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out." Then Rick smiles, Roger goes back to his position, and Rick strikes the guy out on 3 straight heaters. But in the edited version for TBS, they dubbed in a word that doesn't fit the amount of time it takes to say "motherfucker", and they got this Barry White-like voice to do the dub. It's just awkward and weird, but it always made me laugh.

Well I found it and taped it. So enjoy.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

So long, Gov'nor

Let's recap the charges against my governor Rod Blagojevich:

Charge #1 He tried to sell the appointment of Barack Obama's vacant seat in the Illinois Senate. I'm not sure the alleged extent of it, but it looks like he was willing to give that seat to the highest bidder. In a taped conversation, he was overheard saying "[he's] not willing to give me anything but appreciation, so fuck him."

First of all, the fact that a state's governor has this much power is silly. Why is he allowed to pick? I never understood that. And second of all, in the awesomeness scale that uses arbitrarily-chosen numbers based on nothing whatsoever, that quote is 17 degrees of awesomeness. It takes a certain kind of dumbass to abuse power that was abusive to begin with. Why rock that boat? It's like a kid who is given permission from his parents to stay up late to watch a little bit more television, but he uses that time to watch soft-core porn. Yeah, it's exactly like that.

Charge #2 The FBI also alleges that Blagojevich tried to use the Chicago Tribune's sale of the Cubs as leverage to obtain favorable treatment in the paper's editorial pages.

This one is even better. Every politician is out for money; that's not really news. But in the 2nd charge, it seems as though he's on a mission to stop free speech. That may just be 18 or 19 arbitrarily-chosen degrees of awesomeness. As I understand it, the director of the Trib's editorial page (John McCormick) has been critical of Rod, so the FBI caught our governor on tape with his chief of staff (John Harris) saying things like "fire those bleeps" and "get em the bleep out of there" and "bleep these bleeping bleeps with their bleeping bleeps and their bleeping bleeps". I may have made up one of those.

But the point is that he didn't appreciate that a newspaper's editorial page was being critical of him, so he was doing all he could to get the whole staff fired. I must say, coming on the heels of that newspaper filing for bankruptcy, this has not been a good week for print media. So long Free Press. It was nice knowing you.

And if these charges are true, so long Rod Blagojevich. Knowing you was not as nice. I hope your cellmate shaves that bird's nest on your head while you sleep.

'Cause the mail never stops

The US Postal Service has two mailboxes side by side on the 1st floor of my building. Each of the mailboxes has the pickup times posted on the front. The one on the left shows pickup times of 10 AM and 5 PM while the one on the right shows only one pickup time at 10 AM. Isn't that odd? I see a couple problems:

One, who in their right mind would put their outgoing mail in the box that only picks up at 10:00? Let's say you arrive at the boxes at like 9:45. Are you going to risk the chance that maybe the carrier was early that day, meaning it wouldn't get picked up for a full day? Hell no. You're gonna put it in the box that picks up at 10 AND 5 to eliminate the risk.

Two, who is this lazy mail carrier that only checks one box in the evening? THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER! It wouldn't even take more time. These aren't those big blue mail boxes that you see on the street. No, they're the ones that are built right into the wall that probably have bins beneath them to catch whatever gets put in.

"Hmm, there's a letter in the 10 o'clock bin. Fuck that, I'm not picking it up. It can wait 'til tomorrow. We have to play by the rules as they're posted or else there's anarchy. Plus I'm a lazy ass."

I'm probably over-thinking this.

Did you actually get to see the Rod?

Was your Governor just arrested? No? Hmm, well that means you're not from Illinois. We arrest our governors around here. Two for our last two. Yeah that's right.

The backstory behind the Billy Ripken "fuck face" card

This article is probably more interesting to me than it will be to you, but that's only because I have this baseball card. Darren Rovell of CNBC got an interview with Billy Ripken to discuss how the "fuck face" card came to be. I've had the card since I was a kid and I thought I knew the true backstory behind it, but it turns out I didn't. A good read.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Funky, funky Christmas

Every year around this time, people will say things like "It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me" or "I'm just not in the spirit yet". I'm not sure what that means though. They complain that they used to be in the spirit all month, but I'm not buying it. If it's a yearly complaint, maybe they're just remembering it wrong on how it used to be.

Either way, I'm here to help. If this video doesn't get you in the spirit, nothing will (short of Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss).

No need to thank me. Hearing you hum it later is thanks enough.

The password is.....

The hardest part about coming back from a long vacation is remembering how to access all of my daily programs. I've opened the word doc with all of my stored passwords like 5 times already.

Hey speaking of, that word doc is password protected so that any yahoo can't just open it and know all of my shit. But what if I forget what that password is? It's not like I can store it in my password document. That'd be silly. Which begs the question - where's a good place to store your password for your password-protected document of passwords?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Not so instant messenger

So you're having an IM conversation with someone, but you decide it's getting late and you're logging off. After you say your goodbye, do you wait for them to say goodbye back before you log off? I do; I guess I need the closure. But sometimes it gets a little annoying like if it takes a good minute or two before they respond. C'mon, c'mon, respond damnit. Just a quick "c ya" or something. That's all I need. I can't leave here 'til I get it. It's getting late and I wanna go to bed. Plus my feet are cold. F*cking respond already.....

Weak sauce.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A conversation with Greg over Facebook chat

Greg
what does "shawty wanna thugg" mean?
lil wayne's lollipop... good song. :)

Brian
it either means some girl wants TO thugg or some girl wants A thugg
not sure though


Yes, it gets the "getting old" tag.

Great moments in customer service

My friend Tony got an email on Monday from the Chicago Transit Authority to let him know about a rate increase:

Dear Chicago Card and Chicago Card Plus Customers:This is to update you about CTA's fare changes and how they will affect you. Effective January 1, 2009, CTA fares will increase. While we recognize that these fare changes come during challenging economic times, they are necessary to maintain service. It is important to note that there will be no reductions in bus or rail service. Please visit here for a complete listing of the new fares.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Tony responded:

FUCK YOU CTA!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CTA responded back to him early this morning:

Thanks for your feedback.
--CTA Customer Service
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excellent

Monday, December 01, 2008

Lebron James = Forrest Gump?

"If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up. I’m a big LeBron fan. He’s a stud. You gotta give him his props. I’m getting so annoyed he’s talking about what he’s going to do in two years. I think it’s disrespectful to the game. I think it’s disrespectful to the Cavaliers." - Charles Barkley in a radio interview last Wednesday with Dan Patrick."

Lebron’s response: "He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------That’s all I’ve got to say about that? Awesome sauce. If Charles responds back with "stupid is as stupid does", I’ll be a happy man.