Thursday, January 31, 2008

This is how your life turns out when you lose football games and start dating Jessica Simpson

Honestly I have no idea what the hell is going on in this video (mostly because I was bleeding from my eyes and ears for more than half of it). But if I had to wager a guess on what hell is like, I would guess that it would involve a combination of a piss-poor 80's hair band, Mr. Belding from SBTB, and Tony Romo. And of course all of them would be gathered on stage butchering "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey.

This may be NSFW (language).

Questions I hope to have answered tonight

- Who was in the coffin during Jack's flash-forward? [the most logical answer to this question that I've been able to come up with is Ben. Maybe Michael.]

- Who was Kate going home to? [I suspect Sawyer]

- Did Charlie really die? [to me that sounds like a dumb question, but people I've spoken with believe that he survived the grenade and the drowning]

- Who stayed behind at the island while the others were being rescued? [and by "the others", I don't mean "The Others"]

- Is Kate pregnant?

- How did Charlie get the Sharpie marker to work when his hand was wet? [okay I'm not really wondering this, but you have to admit that writing on something that's wet with a marker is really hard]

That is all for now. I'm sure before we get answers to the questions above, 4 or 5 new questions will emerge. I guess that's the beauty of the show. Enjoy.

Hillary's Inner Tracy Flick

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Schadenfreude for me is spelled J-E-R-R-A-M-Y

With the Super Bowl only 4 days away, I was going to use this forum to give you a feel-good football story. But since I was unable to find a feel-good football story*, I have decided to give you the exact opposite. I am going to introduce you to TE Jerramy Stevens, formerly of the Seattle Seahawks** and current member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

* A feel-good football story for me would be Tom Brady with a shattered femur. Or a variation of that kind of pain. I've never shattered my femur, but I imagine the pain would be excruciating. I dislike the Patriots so much that I have now reached the point where I am wishing pain on Tom Brady. And the weird part is I don't even dislike him. I just dislike his team. And for that I wish him serious physical pain. I think I may be a bad person.

** Did the Seahawks originally call themselves the Seahawks because the word 'seahawk' starts out with S-E-A and so does Seattle? Or did they call themselves the Seahawks because the town itself is known for a lot of seahawks? Because if that's the case, I think the Seattle Osprey's would have been a better name.

Anyway, Jerramy Stevens is a TE for Tampa Bay. A glimpse into his life can be found here. I urge you to read as much of that story as you can without finding out which town Jerramy lives in, flying there, renting a car, driving to his house, getting out of your car, walking up his walkway, reaching his front door, knocking on it, waiting for him to open it, and then punching him square in the face.


Or don't enjoy. It's awful. The man is a joke. He's not even a man. My schadenfreude towards Tom Brady has now officially been passed on to Jerramy Stevens.

You have no choice but to read this

At the beginning of the show Family Guy on Fox, the network always puts out a disclaimer that viewer discretion is advised. I guess we're supposed to take that to mean that there's some content that we're about to watch that some people would consider questionable and the people running the network are just warning us.*

* One thing I've noticed about myself is that the more questionable the content is, the more likely it is that I'm going to watch. Remember the show Cops**? I only watched that show because Fox would warn me beforehand that I should use discretion before actually watching it. But then after realizing that there wasn't much to be discreet about, I stopped.

** My favorite part of Cops: when the police would interview a witness and the witness would say something like "I heard a gunshot; it sounded like a 9 mm." Yeah, it sounded like a 9mm. You could show me a picture of a gun and that picture could have a caption beneath it that said 'this gun is a 9mm' and I still wouldn't be sure what kind of gun it was. These people knew what it was based on how it sounded. That always killed me.

Where was I? Oh yeah. 9mm's. No wait, viewer discretion. Okay so I never understood that network disclaimer. Discretion means freedom of choice. In the context of a Family Guy disclaimer, Fox is saying that I have the freedom to choose not to watch it. As opposed to forcing me to watch it against my will. Isn't that an odd thing to disclaim?

Isn't this an odd thing to blog about?

I guess it just always bothered me.

I will say this though; next time you see the disclaimer that 'viewer discretion is advised', you're going to immediately think of me. And that's pretty cool.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I wonder what's behind door #3

I plan on voting, but am I the only one who sees P. Diddy in a shirt like this and feel the urge not to vote? It reminds me of when I was a kid and I created an extremely low-budgeted sign for my bedroom door that said "knock or die". Surely I didn't believe that someone unfortunate enough to walk into my bedroom without knocking would immediately keel over. But looking back, the whole thing seems very juvenile. Then again I was 13. I guess I just have a problem seeing a grown man in a "Vote or Die" t-shirt. I'd prefer that he got specific, like "Vote for Obama, or my hired goons will kill you". Or "Vote for Rudy, or HIS hired goons will kill you". Something like that.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Microsoft spell-checker, Edward Norton, and other Randoms

- I think pixie sticks would have been more popular if their wrapper would have been made of plastic instead of paper. Then again, it probably would have cost more.

- Whenever we see a celebrity in person, a typical reaction is to tell them that they were great in one of their movies. But we usually mention one of their good movies. The next time I see a celebrity, I'm going to try and reference a movie that they were in that was a huge piece of crap. Like if I ever see Edward Norton, I’m totally telling him that I loved him in Death to Smoochy.

- I tried a variation of that once by telling Kevin Nealon that I loved him in a movie he wasn't even in. I saw him at a comedy club and he was shaking hands with some fans and I went up to him and said "I loved you in Wall Street". Even now I’m not sure why I said that. Maybe it’s because he’s never been in anything good.

- I definately think that the words “definite” and “alternate” should have alternite spellings. Sometimes it’s hard for me to seperate between the two. Regardless, I don’t think I should be penilized for it.

- Microsoft Word would be going crazy with the red squiggly lines right now.

- Just once, I’d like to see the instructions of something I’m putting together include a step like this: Step 7 - Use a 1″ drill bit to widen the hole for the bolt we gave you because there’s no way that bolt is going to fit in there. We would have made the hole the correct size, but that would have been too easy and then what would have become of this particular step? If you do not have a 1″ drill bit, and let’s face it, why would you, stick a steak knife in there and spin it around in circles until you’ve made the hole wide enough, or until you’ve ruined your steak knife (whichever comes first). Is that too much to ask? Just give me something to laugh about before I break the sonofabitch.

- And on that note, please remember that it’s not what you wear, it’s where you are when you’re wearing it.

Labels: , | 2 comments

Friday, January 25, 2008

Who would have taken Hitler for a Cowboys fan?

oh and.... Happy 700th post to us!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

You think YOUR parents are an embarrassment?

This story is great. A mother of 4 has been charged with sex acts on 2 minors, ages 15 and 16. The 2 minors are friends of the woman's teenage son. The woman also has 3 other children and her husband is the local police chief.

First of all, I'd like to thank my mom for not embarrassing me like this. I remember back when I was in school, she wouldn't let me quit the band even though band was for losers and I didn't consider myself to be a loser at the time but I still got made fun of daily by everyone in my grade except for Shaun but that's only because Shaun was the only other kid my age who was also in the band and he no doubt hated his mom too for making him go to band every day just like me. But the embarrassment from having to play in the band (which by the way I'm still pissed at myself for not continuing after I finished school) is nowhere near the embarrassment this poor kid is going through right now for being known as the kid whose mom puts out. So thanks Mom.

Second of all, check out the last line of the story. The woman's lawyer, Gerard Damiani, is asking the judge to free her from jail without bail because "her character has never been questioned except for these allegations."

Except for these allegations. Your Honor, if you ignore that she had sex with a couple of kids, she's really top notch. Classic.

She said yes, yes, yes

Amy Winehouse has gone to rehab. The number of ironic jokes that are running through my head right now are enough to give me a headache. Or it could be that I just can't think of a really good one. Yeah it's probably that.

The delayed moment of truth

Did you watch "The Moment of Truth" last night?

I think the show itself has the right idea, although some of the questions caused Jill and I to look at each other with "how would you answer that question" faces. Maybe it's one of those shows that you don't watch with your wife. Aside from that though it still made me laugh a couple times.

The only problem I have with it (and this seems to be a common theme with "game shows" now) is that it was about 6 minutes of actual programming crunched into 60 minutes. I had the same complaint with "Are you smarter" last year and I don't think I've watched that show since. Why do the producers do that? They drag the show on so much with dramatic music and frustrating pauses for no real reason to the point where I end up turning the channel. I'll never understand why they do that.

My grade: B-12

Yep, my arbitrary grading system is now on a vitamin scale. Or is that a warplane?

Side note: please don't make fun of the blog title. I realize it looks like one of those generic titles that you'd see in a newspaper review. But I'm kinda proud of it in a "making fun of generic newspaper headlines" kind of way. Okay that is all for now.

Quick edit to my original post: My friend Brian just emailed me with his thoughts on the show. Take it away Brian:

Absolutely retarded. I knew most of the answers to those first 6 questions anyway. Oh, lemme guess, they're freaking true. It's not that big a deal. The hard ones are when you have to talk about your wife and sh##. I would hate to see what the $500,000 question would be. They took a lie detecter test before the show, I don't get it, they should be strapped to one live on TV. Have you ever hit a car and not left a note? Hells yeah, I do it all the time. It's called bump and roll parallel parking, does that count? If I say no, does my anxiety shoot through the roof and I am told that I am lying anyway, or do I say yes, and tell America that I am a douche? If your kid comes out and asks if you gambled away his college fund, we already know what the answer is. What's the point? And how are they going to ask the really good questions on network television? Like, do you look at your poo when you are done in the bathroom? Have you ever pleasured yourself at work? In your adult years, have you ever had an accident in your pants? Are there special movies of you posted on the internet? Have you ever put anything in your butt?

Have you ever done anything to make your wife not trust you? What kind of b.s. is that? Do they mean going to a strip club without her knowledge or cheating on her? Those are two completely different things that warrent different punishments. And now America thinks your a douche. Then that poor schmuk walked away with nothing!!!! What a bum. Stupid piece of crap show.

Probably going to keep watching it though.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Poor Heath

Wow. This is a shock. What a shame.

Now that's a sport I can get behind

A fan in the background at a bowling match holding a defense sign. Hilarious. Unless he thought the bowler's name was DeGate.

Picture found at

Monday, January 21, 2008

Bill Clinton has a dream too!

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

Normally I reserve this space to send you mildly entertaining Youtube clips. Or to fill you in on my weekend or what uninteresting thing happened to me at work. However, this time I am going to attempt to solicit money from you (albeit for a worthy cause). My sister Melissa is doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer this spring in Chicago. Participation in this walk requires that she raise at least $1800 by May, of which she's already about 1/4 there. I realize that seems like a lot of money, but this will be the 3rd year in a row that she'll be doing this walk, and the last two years she's had no trouble getting there. So any amount you can spare would be much appreciated by my sister, as well as anyone who has ever had or known someone who has had breast cancer.

To make a donation in her name, click here. For more info about the Avon walk itself (what it's for, where the money goes, what the org is all about, etc.) click here.


Because we wouldn't be a sports blog without a few NFL thoughts

- Wait, we're a sports blog?

- Pointed out by hotfootblog, Eddie Murphy may have been a prophet in 'Coming to America'. Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory. Weird.

- Quote from me after that Lawrence Tynes guy kicked the winning field goal after missing his previous two: "Great, now we're gonna have to put up with all those newspaper headlines tomorrow that say 'third Tynes a charm'".

- Tom Coughlin looked like his face was about to fall off.

- The Dodgers have reached a 1-year deal with relief pitcher Proctor. Hightower had no comment.

- Hey that was baseball.

- There's something great about being able to watch a football player's runny nose in HD. Wait did I say great? I mean completely horrible.

- I cannot make sense of that Subway commercial where the guy gets called into his boss's office to explain his travel expenses. I don't have any receipts, but let me turn around and show you my big ass. Yeah I don't get it. Worst. Commercial. Ever.

- Remember last year when I changed my mind and said that I'd rather have my team not make the Super Bowl than lose in the Super Bowl? I've changed my mind again. Having no rooting interest in the Super Bowl whatsoever is kind of like being a date to a wedding where you don't know anybody. Oh well. Go Giants I guess.

Friday, January 18, 2008

For all you McDreamy fans

It doesn't get much better than this

******************** BLOCKED ********************

I don't think the founder of the Hooters restaurant chain would have gone with the name he did had he had the foresight to realize that nobody would be able to visit his company's homepage from work. All I want to do is check their menu real quick!

Rounders, Blockbuster, and other Randoms

- I haven’t paid for gasoline with cash in years, and yet I still top it off to the nearest dollar amount. Up until now, I had never really thought about how dumb and pointless that is.

- I wonder why Combos never caught on as a sandwich snack. For some reason, they’re one of those foods that only get eaten in the car during road trips.

- Let’s face it, the only people who go to Hollywood Video are the people who know they owe $6 or $7 in late fees at Blockbuster, and they’re not about to pay back that sonofabitch. At least not yet. Next time for sure though.

- I understand how we got Tim from Timothy, Pat from Patrick, and even Mike from Michael. But I’ll never understand how we got Jim from James.

- I’ve seen the movie "Rounders" like 500 times, but I still get nervous for Mike McD every time Worm shows up at the sheriff’s game in Binghamton. Get out of there Mike!!!

- Binghamton will always mean more to Greg and me because that’s the town of the closest hotel our family could find when we visited Cooperstown back in 1991. If you know anything about NY geography, you’ll realize how much that sucked.

- I accidentally opened a bag of Dorito’s from the bottom. The next couple weeks for me have been ruined.

- Finally, I beg of you, BEG OF YOU, to watch this. To call this kid "Joel Goodsen" would be insulting to him. Around the 1 minute mark, I realized he was a comedic genius, but then the interview got even better. By the end of it, I couldn't believe what I was actually watching. No words can do him justice. You'll just have to trust me and see for yourself.

Labels: , | 1 comments

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Golfweek Burning

This is a golf story, but I'll fill you in anyway. Kelly Tilghman is an anchor for the Golf Channel. Yes, golf has a channel. Last Friday during a broadcast from the Mercedez-Benz Championship, Tilghman offered up some advice to golfers who want to try to beat Tiger Woods by saying they should "lynch him in a back alley." Tiger Woods. A black golfer. They should lynch him. Racial overtones. Yeah you get it. Tilghman's comments got her suspended from the Golf Channel for 2 weeks. End of story, right?


Look over there on the right. It's the cover of this week's issue of Golfweek magazine. Yes, golf has a magazine too. Look I like to golf as much as anybody, but how much material can there possibly be to where golf needs a television network AND a magazine? Anyway, in response to the uproar that Tilghman got from her comments, that's the cover that Golfweek decided to go with. I have no idea what the editors of that magazine were thinking. Didn't they learn anything from this guy? Or this guy? Or this guy? Or this guy?

Labels: , , | 0 comments

B as in Brian, R as in Ryan, I as in Ian......

Overheard just now by a co-worker of mine who was talking on the phone: "My name is Sam. No, Sam. That's S as in Sam, A as in Apple, M as in Mary."

S as in what again?

Please, Mr. Postman, look and see if there's a bloglet in your bag for me

Why not just put the address you want to send the letter to as the return address and save yourself the postage?

What's a round-about way of telling someone they're being passive aggressive? They are just not taking my hints.

I think "cliché" would be a good name for a fragrance for lesbians. And it would come in a bottle shaped like a pickup truck.

Judging from my 13 years worth of school pictures, apparently it takes absolutely no talent to be a portrait photographer.

I don't care who you are, watching grown-ups ride tricycles is funny. At first.

I hear that gays like to meet up for sex at highway rest stops. Where do they get off?

Actually I guess I just answered my own question.

RIP, Richard Knerr

Richard Knerr, co-founder of Wham-O and inventor of the Hula Hoop, has died at the age of 82.

Circle of life.

Labels: , | 0 comments

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

New Sportscenter catchphrase

This youtube clip was emailed to me by someone who calls themselves Madjabber. Take it away Madjabber:

"Do the Sportscenter anchors even try anymore? I remember a time when their catchphrases used to mean something (I guess). Now they're just yelling sh##. Mandatory? I don't see how."

I couldn't agree more Madjabber.

Calm down Sir. No need to get teste

You think you're having a bad day? Maybe you cut yourself shaving. Maybe you reached for a poptart but uh oh, the box was empty (it's your own fault. Why'd you put an empty box back in the cabinet?). Maybe you started your car and realized you're just about out of gas but you're running late so there's no time to stop. Maybe your coffee place put sugar in your coffee and you hate sugar. Maybe a car accident on your route to work caused all kinds of traffic. Maybe you were the one in the accident. Yeah, any of those things would suck. But none of them are as bad as what happened to this guy. Granted there may have been some negative karma involved, but sonofabitch.

Keep trying Buddy. You'll get there

The following is an actual Instant Message received from a co-worker of mine: "take a short of a long pier"

Poor guy.

Bud Selig + Congress = nearly 5 hours of unfiltered fun

If you didn't want to waste nearly 5 hours watching politicians who know nothing about baseball bash the sport for being dishonest, I will recap the key conversation from some of the key people involved.

Rep. Christopher Shays: "Blah blah blah blah I've never watched baseball in my entire life, but blah blah blah I'm going to get up on my soapbox and bash the sport for which I know nothing about and blah blah blah blah Barry Bonds is the anti-christ blah blah blah blah what the hell is a soapbox anyway and blah blah blah I hope I didn't mis-pronounce Palmarry's name blah blah blah is this meeting almost done? I have a meeting with a stripper in an hour blah blah blah I'm going to get off my soapbox now blah blah blah but all of you guys are evil blah blah blah has anyone seen my vile of cocaine blah blah blah I'm outta here."

Bud Selig (or as Rep. Shays calls him, Bud Sellick): "I'm sorry, but was that even a question? I'm confused."

Rep. Diane Watson: "Don't change the subject Sellick. Answer the question. Blah blah blah blah save the blah blah children blah blah I'm a bigger idiot than Shays blah blah blah I am totally unprepared blah blah blah what am I even doing here?"

Bud Selig: "Baseball is enjoying record profits. We're all rich. Have I mentioned what we've done with inter-league play?"

Don Fehr: "Allow me to interject here one second. I have nothing to say on the matter."

Rep. Christopher Shays: "Thank you for your time Gentlemen blah blah blah you're all still evil blah blah blah and Mr. Sellick I think you may be the devil blah blah blah I still haven't found my vile blah blah blah and I'm late for my stripper blah blah blah steroids blah blah waste of money blah blah poor taxpayers blah nothing solved blah Tejada may be going to prison."

That about sums it up. Aren't you glad you missed it? I wish I had.

Is it soup yet?

Can it be too early in the day to eat soup? I ask because on two separate occasions recently, I was heating up some Campbells in the microwave at like 9:30 or 10, and both times someone came up to me and said "soup already?" And it wasn't even the same guy. And they both said it the same way: "soup already?" It's almost like they planned it.

Hey, Brian is in the kitchen heating up soup right now. Go up to him and say "soup already?" and use a real sarcastic tone. Don't ask, just trust me.

What the hell?!? So I'm eating soup and it's only 10am. What's the big deal? It's not like I'm pounding down a pint of ice cream or something.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Reading garbage on the Internet while Idol plays in the background. Jill thinks I'm studying right now

What a difference a couple of years makes. If you would have told me that I'd be reading something like this only 5 years after they lost nearly 700 games in 2003, I would have told you that the website was a fake.

By the way, that's a baseball article, so ignore it if you couldn't care less about baseball attendance. Or the Tigers.

Hell no, we won't watch! Hell no, we won't watch!

This writer's strike is really starting to piss me off.

Can you be pissed off? I know you can be pissed ON, but pissed off doesn't really make sense.

It's looking more and more like the strike could affect next season's shows now as well. What the frig? I don't think I can take 5 straight days of 'are you smarter', 'that was absolutely dreadful', and 'open the case' every week. I need my Jim and Pam. And my Jack Bauer. And my Dr. Shephard (and Kate).

This sucks.

I'm kind of a big deal. People know me.

You may recognize the picture of that girl up there. She's the T-Shirt model for Snorg Tees. Snorg advertises on almost every website that you visit every day. got an interview with her (kind of). My favorite bit of information gained from reading it: how Snorg pays her for her services.

Can someone please get this poor girl some representation?

Okay I'll ask it

Is ecstasy called "E" or "X"?

I always thought it was "X", but now I hear people call it "E". Is it possible to pick one? I'm barely hip enough to remember one nickname, let alone two.

I'd appreciate some clarification.

Thank you.

Election '08: The issues

This video clip sums up nicely what the issues are that will drive the upcoming presidential election as we move further into primary season and on into November.

Monday, January 14, 2008

90210, Mexican grocery stores, and other Randoms

- Why have Mexican grocery stores cornered the market on glass bottles of Coke? Was there government legislation on this that I missed somewhere?

- I could never work for Firestone or Goodyear because I’d overuse the joke that my job was too tiring and eventually someone would punch me in the face. Same goes for the Midas/Exhausting joke. Although if I was a pocketwatch repairman, I would totally tell people that my job is a lot of fun. I mean a good time. D’oh, I ruined it.

- Why doesn’t anyone ever travel cognito? Well I guess Britney Spears does.

- Speaking of our girl, it's probably not a good sign for your chances in your custody hearing when you don't show up because you're getting treatment at a detox center. Perhaps she's just looking for irony.

- Knowing that you’re about to get a pimple is almost as bad as actually having it. At least when it’s there, there’s not much left to worry about.

- Jill was a fan of this show and still watches re-runs of it on the Soap channel. On a related note, I will now win every argument we may have for the rest of our lives by simply saying "David Silver".

- And on that note, please remember, a dumb question is almost always less expensive than a dumb mistake.

Labels: , | 2 comments

Friday, January 11, 2008

Can you sue a hurricane?

Katrina victim sues U.S. for $3 quadrillion

NEW ORLEANS - Hurricane Katrina's victims have put a price tag on their suffering and it is staggering — including one plaintiff seeking the unlikely sum of $3 quadrillion.

The total number — $3,014,170,389,176,410 — is the dollar figure so far sought from some 489,000 claims filed against the federal government over damage from the failure of levees and flood walls following the Aug. 29, 2005, hurricane.

Of the total number of claims, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers said it has received 247 for at least $1 billion apiece, including the one for $3 quadrillion.

"That's the mother of all high numbers," said Loren Scott, a Baton Rouge-based economist.

$3 quadrillion? I guess suing for three Brazilian dollars didn't turn out quite like they expected.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Schadenfreude is spelled O-O-H-I

As if losing in the NCAA National Championship Game two consecutive years weren't bad enough, it seems as if Ohio State's cheerleaders may need to retake remedial spelling.

If they came from one of those hard-to-spell states like Mississippi or Massachusetts, one might be more willing to forgive them, but this is ridiculous!

Yes, it's real... and it's SPECTACULAR!

Go Blue!

Honey, where is all this extra money coming from?

By now you've all probably read or heard about the guy who went to a brothel without his wife's knowledge (as opposed to going to a brothel WITH his wife's knowledge) and then was shocked to learn that she was working there. That story is too fantastic and almost unreal. And probably the plotline to a future late-night Cinemax movie. Not surprisingly, they're getting a divorce.

I wonder how the conversation went when he got there though. My guess is it went something like this:

"What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?"
"Don't turn this around on me. What are YOU doing here?"
"Don't you turn this around on me. What are YOU doing here?"

And so on.

I only wish there was video.

You said what?!?

Even though I was completely joking and I wasn't even in the same room as her when this very brief conversation went down, I knew as I was saying it that I would be the only one laughing...

Jill: "Do these pants make me look fat?"
Brian: "No your legs do."

I'm a complete moron.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Overheard in my living room...

Words you should think about before you let YOUR 7-year-old play Guitar Hero 3...

"Hey, Dad! You've gotta see how good I'm getting at Talk Dirty To Me!"

Today's winner of the 'who gives a sh##' award

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are expecting their first child together.

[Editor's Note: I think it's safe to say that if you're a celebrity and you're expecting a baby, Brian will give you this award. For some reason, he has a jones for celebrity babies. Maybe he should get over it. People like celebrity babies. Brian's a downer.]

Simplistic system = Complete waste of time

Sometimes during the off-season of a particular sport, a sports columnist whose job it is to cover that sport will completely run out of things to write about. Usually when that happens, they'll just make up a bunk trade rumor. Other times they'll come up with a simplistic formula that determines which team has had the best off-season. Like Phil Rogers did on Monday.

I think it's safe to say that when a sports columnist is claiming to have developed a "simplistic" formula to determine something during the offseason, that should be our cue as readers to ignore that column entirely because it's going to be a complete waste of time. Unfortunately for me on Monday (and unfortunately for you now), I didn't heed that cue. Heed that cue? Who talks like that?

What is his formula for determining which team has had the best offseason? Well it goes a-little something like this: First we consider core players, or "hitters projected to be regulars and pitchers who either start or work the last two innings of games". That's our definition of a core player, what I put in quotes over there a sentence ago. We aren't concerned with how good a player is; just that they might play every day. Or in the case of a starting pitcher, every 5 days. Or in the case of a relief pitcher, who the hell knows? I don't think we're off to a good start here.

Next, we consider which teams added core players and which teams lost core players, then we do a little simple addition/subtraction. This next sentence will be our example, and I will be putting it in quotes because it's exactly how Phil stated it. "The Cubs excited their fans with the signing of Kosuke Fukudome, but that addition is offset by the departures of Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall. That leaves the Cubs at minus-two at present." Never mind that Jacque Jones sucks. And Cliff Floyd is like 54 years old. And that Jason Kendall is maybe the worst catcher in all of baseball. Or that some people see Kosuke Fukudome as a potential all-star outfielder. Nope. Negative three plus one equals minus two. Cubs bad.

Phil goes on in his column by telling us which teams lead in his moronic system and which teams are behind. My favorite line is his last one that says "there's still time for teams to tilt these rankings. About 25 guys who can be considered core players remain unsigned." If the Cubs are smart, they'll sign each of them so they could be a plus-23. I should totally be a GM.

Did you really read this whole thing? Are you that bored? I know I am.

Monday, January 07, 2008

College - still less than $30,000/year

According to this study, college students who play drinking games at parties tend to drink more alcohol than college students who don't play drinking games at parties.

Translation: students who like to do keg stands and play beer pong and quarters tend to drink more alcohol than kids who don't like to do keg stands and play beer pong and quarters. Do college kids still play quarters? Wait, do they still do keg stands? I sure hope so. Keg stands were awesome. I remember one time I did a keg stand for like 20 seconds and then I couldn't hold myself up anymore so then I fell and hit my face on the keg. Or I think that happened. Maybe that wasn't even me. Well it happened to somebody at this party that I went to a long time ago. Or maybe it was a party I had heard about. It probably wasn't even 20 seconds. And they didn't fall. Where was I?

Oh. Another translation: kids who drink the most at the party get more drunk. More drunker. More drunkerreer. Thirsrter.

I think the people who conducted this study were drunk. Drunkerer. I'm drunk.

Take me to your leader. Wait, he's your leader?!?

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was interviewed by Naomi Campbell for GQ Magazine. Excerpts of that interview have been posted here. Let's see, what should I make fun of first?

How about the fact that he was interviewed for GQ magazine? That's pretty funny. Or that the interview was given by Naomi Campbell? That's even funnier. Then again, those are probably a little too easy and you'd accuse me of cherry-picking. Let's try to find something else.

Asked to name the world's most stylish leader, Chavez chose Fidel Castro. Quote, "his uniform is impeccable, his boots are polished, his beard is elegant."

Again, too easy. Making fun of that would be like making fun of the kid in the slow class who eats paste and I'm not that desperate.

Asked if he would ever appear topless, Chavez said yes. Quote, "why not? Touch my muscles."

Why is he doing this to me? Is this a joke? Where am I?

Asked his feelings on President Bush, Chavez said he's crazy but on his way out. Quote, "We're seeing the fall of the empire. Like the fairy tale, the emperor is naked."

Hugo Chavez eats paste.

I can't remember...

What's that product that you apply directly to the forehead?

Labels: | 5 comments

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Hilarious video of Hillary Clinton punching Bill

She gets him open-fisted right in the face. Simply stunning.

Friday, January 04, 2008

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

Conversation between two of my co-workers:

Co-worker A: "I'm voting republican."
Co-worker B: "Yeah which one?"
Co-worker A: "I haven't made up my mind yet. Whoever is for jobs."

I'm satisfied. I hear Romney is for jobs. And that crackpot Hillary is for outsourcing.

Score one for Mitt.

Labels: , | 0 comments

Pointless White Sox post

After my favorite baseball team finished last season by winning only 72 games (after winning 90 the year before and 99 the year before that), their General Manager Kenny Williams was quoted as saying things like "we plan on landing a Big Fish this off-season" and "2007 left a bad taste in my mouth" and "I hope Grady Sizemore is involved in a crippling car wreck some time before next April." At the time, I was on board with each of those statements as he was making them.

"Sweet, a crippling car wreck," I thought to myself. "If you can't beat 'em, break their legs."

But then Kenny missed out on his prized free agents. First came Torii Hunter (I was glad), then came a failed trade attempt for Miguel Cabrera in which Cabrera ended up on the division-rival Tigers (I was pissed), then came failed signings of Andruw Jones (pissed again) and Aaron Rowand (glad again). Needless to say, his goal of landing a "big fish" had failed miserably.

But then Thursday happened. If you hadn't heard (likely), or didn't care (more likely), the White Sox traded for outfielder Nick Swisher yesterday in exchange for 3 minor leaguers. Here's my grade of the trade (hey, grade of the trade...that rhymes): Obviously, they're gambling that this move, and perhaps a lesser move in the near future, will make them a playoff team in 2008. Perhaps that's a bit unrealistic, but fine. Their team will have 4 months to prove themselves one way or the other. If they prove that they're no better than a 3rd place team, then this trade just adds an asset that can be turned right back around and traded to another team who needs an OF with plus power and who gets on base 38% of the time, not to mention one who's cheap, young, and heading to a terrific hitters park. I don't see the harm in that. Where I do see the harm, however, is Kenny Williams' insistence that he's improving a team already headed to the playoffs. If he truly believes this, then as a White Sox fan, I'm quite concerned. Then again, I'd be even more concerned if my team's GM freely admitted that his team sucked.

So what's my final verdict? I give the trade a check plus. What does that mean? I don't know. What's an A? What's a B? Who cares? I like the trade. Now if only Grady can be involved in that car wreck like planned, Kenny's off-season plan will be a complete success.

[Editor's Note: Brian does not want Grady to be involved in a crippling car wreck. He'd settle for any kind of torn knee ligament regardless of how it's caused]

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Looks like the revolution will have to wait

Poor Ron Paul. Only 10%. What the hell happened? I mean the dude has a myspace. I don't even have a myspace. Oh well. I guess we'll all wake up again tomorrow and continue with our world policing.

Whoa, where'd that come from? My bad.

Finders Keepers

I remember loving this show when I was a kid. However, I don't remember the host being such an a-hole!

Paperweights, canadian bacon, and other Randoms

- I went to grade school with a kid named Derek Brown AND Derek Pink. What were the odds on that?

- I wonder how much it costs to make a pay phone call. Do you think it’s a dollar yet? Are there even pay phones anymore?

- Why would I spend $30 for an extended warranty on something that only costs $200? By the time it breaks, I’ll probably want a new one anyway.

- Changing your oil is one of those things that probably cost as much money doing it yourself as it does by having a professional do it. Same goes for resealing your driveway. I wish I could say the same for mowing the lawn.

- Canadian bacon sucks. Ours is better.

- I don’t know a single person who prefers Jay Leno to David Letterman, and yet Jay out-draws Dave in terms of viewership by over a million people every night. Is there a good explanation for this?

- It can’t be a good sign that I was at Wal-Mart the other day and one of the other customers approached me and asked for help because he thought I worked there.

- A paperweight is a dumb idea. Unless it can double as a computer keyboard. Or a phone receiver. Or a coffee mug.

- What would have happened if Bill Murray would have stayed up all night in "Groundhog Day"? I think they glossed over that possibility a little too lightly.

And on that note, please remember, for all those who take up the sword perish by the sword. Unless of course you're really good at swords.

Labels: , | 4 comments

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Today's winner of the 'who gives a sh##' award

That waste of space Tila Tequila and her waste of space "boyfriend" from the show have broken up.

Quick aside: While watching that "Chuck and Larry" movie yesterday, I noticed that Tila had a cameo in it. She played one of Chuck's (or Larry's. I can't remember who played who, but it really doesn't matter) stripper friends. Big shock. Also, Dave Matthews had a cameo as well and I felt a little sick from it afterwards. Just one more reason not to see this movie.

That is all.

Quick, grab me mum's knickers

You spend your entire life trying to hide the fact that you have gi-normous, billowing, extra-large underwear. But then one day your quick-thinking nephew uses them to put out a grease fire, so now the whole world knows.


Sex Toy or Salt Shaker?

1 Happy St., the website that brought you such popular games as Birdfeeder or Bong, Kazoo or Hash Pipe, and Children's Book or Adult Erotica, is proud to introduce the brand new game... Sex Toy or Salt Shaker!

The rules are simple. Just guess if the image shown is an adult novelty toy or a salt shaker. Easy peasy! Japanesy!









What are your guesses?

Labels: , | 1 comments

A New Year movie review

I hope you all enjoyed your New Years Eve and New Years Day. Mine was low-key this year, as it has been the last 2 or 3 years now. What is it about New Years Eve? I've been celebrating it for 10 years or so now (and by "celebrating", I mean drinking boat-loads of Jack Daniels, as well as that one year when I took on Red Bull and vodka), and as I look back, there's probably only been 2 or 3 of them that were truly memorable. And yes, the Red Bull and vodka night was one of them, minus the morning after when it felt like I had been hit in the head with a hammer. There's something to be said for the guy who decides to make it a Red Bull and vodka night. It's really a 3-day commitment. Those of you who have had a Red Bull and vodka night know what I'm talking about. Those of you who have not, you're probably better off.

Anyway, Jill and I decided to shake off our hangovers by making our New Years Day a movie day. I've been wanting to see "Juno" since I read this line from Roger Ebert's column when it first came out: "this is one of those rare movies that you want to watch by yourself with your shirt off while eating a block of cheese." No shirt? A block of cheese? All by myself? I'm sold. Okay, he didn't really write that, but he made it his top pick of the year, so I was excited. And he was right, it was great. Terrific performances all around. I have a feeling that every Ellen Page and Michael Cera movie for the next 5-10 years will continue being must-sees, as long as we don't begin reading stories about either of them hanging out in L.A. clubs with Lindsay Lohan. Is there someone we can get in touch with to make sure this doesn't happen?

For our evening pick, we weren't as fortunate. We got home, ate some pizza, and ordered "I now pronounce you Chuck & Larry" on PPV. I didn't have high hopes going in, but I also wasn't expecting 1 hour and 57 minutes of suck. Turns out it was 1 hour and 57 minutes of suck. The other 3 minutes of this 2-hour suck-fest was the partially naked Jessica Biel scene. That was pretty cool. Actually it wasn't; even that scene was lame. There was nothing about this movie that I could recommend to anyone. It was racist, gayist (I still don't use the term "homophobic" because it doesn't make any sense. Then again, neither does "gayist". We need a better term for something that's anti-gay. How about "anti-gay"?), sexist, and I'm sure a bunch of other "ist's" that I can't think of right now. Do not under any circumstances pay money to see this movie. Wait until it's on HBO, then call up your cable or satellite provider, cancel HBO for showing this crap, and then wait until it's on TBS.

My final tally - Juno good, Chuck and Larry bad.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Everyday Normal Guy

This is brilliant... but some adult language...