Tuesday, November 03, 2009

PSA from 1 Happy St

I just got an email from "PayPal" saying my account was expired and I needed to renew and to "click here". The attached hyperlink is fake and will most likely will bring you to a place you don't want to be. So if you get something similar, don't fall for it. The grammar mistakes should be a dead giveaway, but hey you never know.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Conversation between two marrieds, perhaps you've said too much Edition

Her: No for real. If I were to die tomorrow, do you think you'd ever get remarried?
Him: Tough to say. All I can say for sure is that you're the only person I've ever met who I could ever see myself being married to.
Her: I better be.
Him: Okay how 'bout you? Would you get remarried?
Her: Hell no. I'm not doing that again. I'd probably have lots of sex though.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

How to start a riot in the office:

Send a broadcast message to the entire floor that says, "I bought some extra Halloween candy. It's in the breakroom. Get it while it lasts."

Only 3 injuries reported this time though, so that's good.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Maybe I will

For reasons beyond my control, 1happyst.tumblr.com may have been updated for the last time, so this may be my only other option.

I'm still debating. I'll let you know though.

Friday, January 23, 2009

This is the end. My only friend, the end. And you people of course.

Goodbye Folks. It's been fun. If you'd like to chat, please email me.

I suppose his day will live on in infamy, so there's that

"Dec. 9 to my family, to us, to me, is what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States. It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we'll prevail in this." - Rod Blagojevich

Other things that are complete surprises and completely unexpected:

- Opening a door and there being another person on the other side
- The first time you saw the end of The Sixth Sense
- Sneezes
- Joakim Noah having a good game
- Getting a letter in the mail
- Cell phone bills if you went over your minutes
- Surprise parties
- An episode of 30 Rock that isn't funny
- Positive pregnancy tests for couples who weren't trying

Do you know what all of those examples have in common? NONE OF THEM RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE NOR THE DESTRUCTION OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PROPERTY NOR CAUSED OUR COUNTRY TO ENTER A WORLD WAR.

Other than that, his simile is spot on.

Have I mentioned that I hate this man?

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

SNL on Wednesday's

I'm out of ideas.

Me too.

What if we dressed Kristin up like some freakish woman who creates mischief.

We've done that 300 times already.

Okay, well what if Will was in the scene with her and he just kept repeating her name over and over again.

I don't get it.

Neither do I, but we're stuck.

Okay, so what will Kristin's character's name be?

Um, Gilly?

Why Gilly?

It sounds funny, right?

No.

C'mon, picture Will just saying "Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly" over and over and over again for 5 minutes.

Yeah I don't get it.

Well you better jump on board with it because we're doing it.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Will he make mistakes? Sure. Actually he already did.

It turns out that Barack Obama made his 1st mistake as President only 3 sentences into his speech. When he said, "Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath", that was wrong. It's true that he's the 44th President, but only 43 Americans have taken the oath.

Grover Cleveland anyone?

A handful of final thoughts

Why didn't Aretha go with the big bow?

Do you realize that we don't have a President right now all because of Yo Yo Ma? (from Sam at about 12:01 ET)

Hearing Barack Obama give a speech, I can't help but be reminded of Eddie Murphy when he's doing his MLK impression in The Distinguished Gentleman. Are there any handicaps or gays on the committee. No gays.

Pretty typical though. Talked about hope for the new administration. Thanked the outgoing administration. A nice job overall. But did he pick a dog yet?

I double-checked with my opinion and that was the Worst. Poem. Evar.

Okay you were there. You flew to D.C. and stood there in 20 degree weather to watch a guy give a 15 minute speech. What next? Coffee shop? Bar? Laser Tag?

I'd rather watch Army/Navy

It sounds like I'm listening to a college football game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009-2013 United States Executive Branch

Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#44 (get it?), at President, Barack Obama

Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only thing we have to fear is what your country can do for you

Wait, Barack Obama is only 47 years old? Wow that's young. And he's from Hawaii? That's gotta be a first, right? No wonder people are making a big deal about this.

Overheard in the office

"Johnny" is talking loudly near "Billy's" desk.

Billy: "Hey Johnny, someone on the other side of the floor wants to talk to you."
Johnny: "Who?"
Billy: "It doesn't matter. Pick someone."
Johnny: "Okay I get it."

Monday, January 19, 2009

I don't know why I put myself through such things, Part 2 (and a TWSS)

More overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: "Nice penetration by Derrick Rose who was able to find an opening. With his length and quickness he has quite an advantage once he gets near the rim."

Oh come on.

I don't know why I put myself through such things

Overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: "That was a good possession on offense by the Bulls. Gordon missed the 3, but Deng was right there for the rebound. He did a good job blocking out and got the easy putback."

I guess that's the Bulls offense in a nutshell: run it through a smallish 2-guard who can't dribble and shoots 40% from the floor. Then get the rebound after he misses. Just the way Vinny drew it up.

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The most depressing would-be signing since Michael Jordan laced 'em up for the Wizards

Via ESPN Rumor Central: The Pittsburgh Pirates have contacted free agent pitcher Pedro Martinez and would be interested if the price is right, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported.

I have no problem living in a time when major newspapers in NY, LA, and Chicago are bankrupt. I have no problem living in a time when my house is worth half of what it was worth 4 years ago. I have no problem living in a time when the unemployment rate is near 10%. But I'll be damned if I will accept living in a time when Pedro Martinez is a pitcher for the Pirates.

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IM conversation with co-worker (and Cub fan) Donald

Don has been down on his team since the end of Game 3 against the Dodgers (actually it's probably closer to the end of Game 1). On Sunday, his team traded the once-untouchable (and 5 tool?) prospect Felix Pie to the Orioles for a couple of young pitchers Garrett Olsen, 25 and Henry Williamson, 23. Here is the IM conversation Don and I just had.

Donald(08:31): Was Garrett Olsen like the O's 5th starter last year?
Brian(08:32): Kinda. He's one of those guys who has been good in the minors and then sucks royally when he's reached the majors. Much like Felix Pie actually.
Donald(08:32): ahhh the old crap for crap
Brian(08:32): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and keep it crap"
Donald(08:33): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and give it to San Diego to make it gold while taking their crap"
Brian(08:33): i just LOL'd

Cubs Fever! See if you can catch it!

Also, this team won 97 games last year.

Awesome. Go White Sox!

FOLLOW-UP FROM BRIAN: Where was Kenny Williams while this trade was happening? You're telling me the White Sox couldn't find a spot on their roster for a guy like Felix Pie when their current CF's are Brian Anderson and friggin' Jerry Owens? Shameful.

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Please turn off all devices and keep your seat back and tray tables...

Headline seen: US Airways survivor texts: 'My plane is crashing'

Well I guess now we know. It wasn't a bird. Some moron had their cell phone turned on.

/too soon?

Who was that guy who was in that movie about the thing?

When I was watching Mannequin the other night (still don’t judge me), I noticed that the antagonist, well one of them, was James Spader. I forgot that he was in that, which makes sense because it didn’t really look like him. He definitely looked a lot different in Mannequin than he did in Pretty in Pink. I got to thinking about other movies where I was shocked to learn who one of the actors was. For instance:

- One of Biff’s friends in Back to the Future is Billy Zane.

- The villainous nerdy kid from Road Trip is Daryl from Adventures in Babysitting. "Ya think?"

- Connie, the mom from Son in Law, is also Ferris’s mom. I found this one out by questioning how two "different" actresses can have the same name. Wasn't that against union rules? Oh yeah I'm a smart one.

- Ronald Miller’s little brother is Seth Green.

- Siggy from What About Bob is the "beer has gone bad" guy from Can’t Hardly Wait.

Can you think of more that shocked you when you first learned/realized it?

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It's cold out there. What is this Miami Beach? Not hardly.

One thought crossed my mind as I looked at the thermometer on my dashboard that was showing -18: it could be 50 degrees warmer and it would still be freezing. Pretty cool.

Once it gets down to -18, does it really matter if it gets any colder? Like would I be able to tell the difference between -18 and -35? Maybe. But either way I'm staying inside as much as possible. The only thing that should change is my gas bill. So I'm rooting for colder. I wanna break records.

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This really happened

Jill was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. I got up to go to bed, so I handed her the TV remote.

Jill: "No I don't want it. I wouldn't be able to flip anyway. I'm all wrapped up here."

Brian: "HA!!!! You need a Snuggie!"

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

I've got more chins than Chinatown. Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, alright!

FoxSports.com has learned that the White Sox and pitcher Bartolo Colon have agreed to a one-year deal, pending a physical. Excellent. I wonder what happens during a physical of Bartolo Colon.

White Sox Team Doctor: "Welcome back, Bartolo. First things first; how does your arm feel?"

Bartolo: "It hurts."

White Sox Team Doctor: "Can you tie your own shoes?"

Bartolo: "Almost."

White Sox Team Doctor: "Okay you pass."

Shouldn't they be called "womannequins"?

Okay I have an idea for a movie. Here me out, I think it’s rock solid. Hey, Rock Solid, that’s a pretty decent porn name. Alright, so this idea: a down-on-his-luck man in his mid-20’s keeps going from job to job, but can’t seem to find anything he’s good at, nor anything he enjoys. It seems like every day he has a new job, and every day he gets fired. Silly, right? Yeah, but also awesome. Until one day, he gets a job as a night cleanup boy at a large department store. Oh you see where I’m going with this.

His first night at his new job, he’s not all that enthused with what he’s doing, but at the same time, he can’t help but notice that he enjoys creating mannequins. Did I lose you? I may have, but please hear me out. So he ends up creating this beautiful mannequin who comes to life whenever the two of them are alone together and she helps him create ridiculous window displays at the department store that become so wickedly popular that they end up increasing the store’s foot-traffic to the point where the store is saved from pending bankruptcy. Okay so the idea is still a little wet behind the ears, but the premise is almost too perfect not to be made into a movie, am I right? There will also be a sub-plot or two where a competing department store manager tries to get him fired, there’ll be a bumbling security guard of course, maybe a gay guy or two and a jealous former girlfriend. Look, all the details haven’t been written yet. But I think I’m onto something here.

Oh, the mannequin. You may be wondering how she comes to life. Well that’s the beauty of Hollywood. We don’t really have to explain it. Maybe she can be from ancient Egypt or something and she’s come here via some kind of portal or….you know what, that’s not important. What is important is I think I have a Rock Solid (still a good name) movie idea that needs to be made ASAP.
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By now, you may be wondering what the point of all that was. A few nights ago, I fell asleep with the TV on and I woke up at like 1 AM to this classic 80’s montage playing in the background. I ended up staying awake and watching the rest. Don’t judge me; you would have too.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Keeping it simple, NY Mets-style

From Paul Lukas: This is the "design" that the Mets will be wearing as a patch on their right sleeves throughout the 2009 season to commemorate the opening of Citi Field. [I] think it's fair to say it takes a very special kind of tin ear, a truly rarefied strain of tone deafness, to put that patch on a big league baseball uniform. What shall we compare it to -- an elementary school computer project? A certain fast food logo? Generic clich├ęs like "My kid could do better" or "How'd that get approved?" can't convey the scope of a design failure this monumental...

If you don't feel like clicking any of those links, here's what it looks like:


I think Paul is being a little unfair. It's got nice rounded edges. The mixture of blue and orange is kind of appealing. And you really can't argue that this season is both the inaugural one and it takes place in 2009. What more does he want? Maybe a slogan? Something like "Mets is our name, baseball is our game"? Nah, too many words and way too confusing. Come to think of it, the word "inaugural" is probably a little too advanced.

Okay, change "inaugural" to "first". Then make the entire thing straight up and down instead of on a slant. Oh that's gold.

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My dad was a jerk, the women in my office are all jealous of me, and my estradiol level is off the charts

Dr. Kristina Durante of The University of Texas at Austin and colleagues found that young women felt more attractive when they had high levels of an estrogen known as estradiol, and they acted on those feelings.

"Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man," Durante's team wrote in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters.

Interesting. An updated list of blind date must-asks for guys:

1. Are there any women in your office that you hate?
2. Are there any women in your office that hate you?
3. How's your relationship with your dad?
4. Do you get along better with guys or girls?
5. What's your estradiol level?

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Pardon me, do you have any unbelievable stories?

Via here: Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin was stopped at a red light Monday night when two men in a truck pulled up next to him. The driver rolled down his window, so Irvin did the same, thinking the two men recognized the radio talk show host and television commentator. The passenger flashed a gun. Then the retired NFL star heard one of them call out his name and mentioned being a "huge Cowboy fan." Irvin says he began talking with the men about the team's disappointing 9-7 season and Dallas not making it to the Super Bowl. The pair eventually drove off.

Now I'm not going to say that this story isn't true, but I will say that it's a complete lie. No I'm kidding. The same thing happened to me once. Except it wasn't a truck that pulled up next to me, it was a car. And they didn't have a gun, they were asking for directions.

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Overheard in the office

Guy 1: "Hey good morning. How you doin' today?"

Guy 2: "Not bad. You?"

Guy 1: "Can't complain. A little bit of cold. A little bit of snow. Other than that I'm alright."

Guy 2: "Yeah a little bit of cold never hurt anybody. Well except for that guy from Minnesota who died."

Thank God I'm a believer. Ha!

Have you ever thought that the only thing keeping you from not being a murdering, lying, stealing criminal is that you're not an atheist? I'll be honest, if I was an atheist, I'd be in some serious [bleep] right now. I feel pretty certain about that.

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Oh Rickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blew my mind

1 Happy St would like to congratulate Rickey Henderson on his induction to the HOF. With a little help from Ryne Sandberg, Brian has written Rickey's speech:

RICKEY: What a beautiful day this is. Rickey stands here today before you humbled and a grateful baseball player. Rickey is truly honored and in awe, honored to be in the class with his fellow inductee Jim Rice. And as Rickey looks behind him here, wow, at the greatest players in the history of the game, Rickey is in awe. Rickey knows that if he had ever allowed himself to think this was possible, if Rickey had ever taken one day in pro ball for granted, he's sure he would not be here today. This will come as a shock, but Rickey is almost speechless.

The reason Rickey is here, they tell him, is that he played the game a certain way, that he played the game the way it was supposed to be played. Rickey doesn't know about that, but Rickey does know this: he had too much respect for the game to play it any other way, and if there was a single reason he is here today, it is because of one word, respect. Rickey loves to play baseball. He's a baseball player. He's always been a baseball player. He's still a baseball player. That's who he is.

CROWD: We love you, Rickey!

RICKEY: He loves you too. He was a baseball player when he was ten or twelve years old pretending to be Willie Stargell or Johnny Bench or Luis Tiant, when his bat was an old fungo, his ball was a plastic golf ball, when the field was the street. He was a baseball player at Oakland Technical High School. Even though he was an All-American running back and received two dozen scholarships to play football in college, he turned them down. Then he was signed by the Oakland A's in the 4th round of the 1976 draft. Rickey had too much respect for the game to leave it behind or to make it his second or third sport in college.

Everything he is today, everything he has today, everything he will ever be is because of the game of baseball, not the game you see on TV or in movies, baseball, the one we all know, in dirt fields and in alleys. We all know that game. The game fit Rickey because it was right.

It was all about doing things right. If you played the game the right way, played the game for the team, good things would happen. That's what Rickey loved most about the game, how a ground out to second with a man on second and nobody out was a great thing.

Respect.

Thank you, and go Rickey!

I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press. Without them, nobody would know who the [bleep] I am

Here is my impression of what it's like to watch the Golden Globes:

And the nominees for Best Actor in a Drama series are:
- Some guy you've never heard of from Dexter.
- Another guy you've never heard of from In Treatment.
- The only guy you recognize out of each of the 5 nominees.
- A third guy you've never heard of from True Blood.
- A fourth guy you've never heard of from yet another show you don't watch.

And the winner is............one of the four guys you've never heard of.

Yay!

Kenneth tries to "top that"

On January 2nd, I gave you this.

On January 8th, Kenneth gave us this:



This makes me even happier than I was back in May when Nard Dog used my urn joke.