Monday, June 30, 2008

Some "The Legend" Follow-ups

The post about The Legend inspired the following IM conversation with Donald:
Donald: do you still have the "Get On" story
Brian: which one is that?
Brian: oh I remember
Brian: I have it, but it doesn't translate well to written word
Donald: that's true
Donald: what about when the gate of the tollbooth went down and it broke over his head
Brian: I don't remember that one
Donald: i'm surprised, he sued the St of IL and won
Donald: i think he defended himself
Brian: please type it up and I'll add it
Donald: he also grew up with Katie Holmes. She was a tomboy then and shy, but still cool to hang out with
Donald: Katie grew up in Toledo, OH
Donald: side note to the KG story: He said he played and beat the young lengthy Garnett when KG was a freshman.
Donald: This brought about Erick to scream, "He didn't come here till his Senior Year"
Donald: This led to him claiming he beat him in a pick up game where all the future stars play
If Donald types up the tollbooth story, I promise to add it. It seems pretty self-explanatory though. I wish I would have been there for that one. It sounds golden. Also, the "get on" story is pretty lame. It was something like him being on his motorcycle outside of a club and a hot girl (of course) came up to him out of nowhere and said "I like your bike" and he said "thanks" and she said "wanna take me for a ride?" and he said "get on". Then he pointed to the back of his bike, she hopped on, and they took off. That kind of story doesn't even happen in porno movies, does it? Or maybe it does, what the hell do I know?

Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed The Legend as much as I did today.

The Legend in his own mind

Do you have any files stored away in a folder on your computer somewhere that you haven't looked at in a while? I recently came across one such file on my work computer. It was a Word doc from back in the day (mostly from 2001 to 2003). Around that time, I sat next to a guy at work who was about my age who we all termed as "The Legend" behind his back. Any story someone would tell, The Legend had one similar and just a little bit better. Sometimes it was a hell of a lot better. To this day, I'm convinced that Kristen Wiig stole her "one-upper" character from this guy. One of my habits when he'd be in the middle of one of his stories would be to open up a Word doc and type what he was saying word-for-word. Then I'd date it and save it. The document itself came to be known as "The Legend in his own Mind" and it has some pretty brilliant material in it. Unfortunately, The Legend left the company in the fall of 2003, so that's where his stories stopped. But thanks to the word doc, his memory will forever live on. So I give to you now a taste of The Legend. Remember, everything posted here were his actual stories. Some of them have comments from me [in italics] to clarify the context for you. I'll leave you with one final disclaimer: When we knew him, he was in his mid to late 20's, he was no taller than 5'8" or so, and he was probably about 150 lbs. You'll see why this is important when you read some of these. Enjoy.


I was asked from a buddy of mine if I wanted to play in the XFL. (12/29/00)

I make $80,000 per year working for a dance company. (01/04/01 - keep in mind that there's no way he made that much working for our company, which he worked for full time. So that begged the question, why the need for 2 jobs?)

I was the star of the football team in High School. I had Division 1 scholarship offers but I hurt my knee. (01/24/01)

When I was a senior in high school, I weighed 195 lbs with 6% body fat. (05/16/01)

I was running 10’s in the quarter mile in my Honda CRX. (06/08/01)

Dude, I once pulled a 2000 lb popup camper cross-country with my Ford Probe. (2/17/02 - this was in response to me telling him that I needed to buy a bigger car to be able to pull the boat that I had just purchased. In case you're wondering, I ended up trading in a Sebring for a Durango. I never did get much use out of that boat though)

When I was in high school, I did a triathalon. (02/19/02)

I know Jenny McCarthy. She used to hang out with us. She and I dated for a while. (02/21/02)

I met and hung out with the cast of Real World Chicago. I hooked up with Kara and didn’t know she was with the Real World until the next morning when I walked out of her bedroom in my boxers and there was a camera in my face. I had to sign a waiver to agree to be on TV. (02/21/02 - fuckin' brilliant)

When I worked at the airport, one of the pilots would take us up and let us sky dive whenever we wanted to for free. (03/11/02)

I have a house on a lake. (03/14/02. When asked why he doesn’t live there, he said it’s because he rents it out. Fair enough. I mean if I owned a house on a lake, I would totally rent it out and spend all my time living in a townhouse in bloody Schaumburg, IL)

My uncle filled in for members of KISS. (04/01/02)

I went to 12 proms my senior year. (04/02/02)

I used to work for a company and was in charge of putting in hardwood floors, tile, and grout. (04/05/02)

I painted my street to the exact specifications of the motorcycle test. (04/11/02, and my favorite. He's basically saying that out in front of his house, ON A PUBLIC STREET, he was out there with a can of spray paint and putting down lines in order to be able to practice on his motorcycle for the dreaded motorcycle test. Even now, I'm not sure why he would even lie about this. It's so ridiculous, yet so brilliant)

On Wednesday, I got into an argument with a guy in a car while on my motorcycle. I stopped in the middle of traffic and punched my fist through his window. I didn’t know the window would break. I hopped back on my bike and took off. (04/19/02)

I met a guy at [the mall] who has a $13,000 Ducati. He let me ride it and I was going so fast that I had to drag my knees on the ground when I turned. (04/25/02)

I worked at U. S. Cellular for two years. (05/03/02)

The dance company I work for went to a Russian bar on Friday. It was a 6 to 1 ratio women to men. All the ladies were topless. We left! (05/06/02)

I was a boxer for 3 years. (05/13/02)

I jumped into the ocean from a helicopter four stories high with fins on. My uncle who was in the Navy made me do it. (06/07/02)

I’ve been on a jet helicopter. (06/07/02)

I can trace every male in my family that has been in the military for eight generations. (06/07/02)

I played basketball with Kevin Garnett at the YMCA a few years ago. He was tall, but he wasn’t that good. (08/24/02 - no words)

Dude, I would know; I used to be a personal trainer. (08/29/02 - how many jobs can one person have who's been a part of the work force for only 5 years or so? Apparently the number is 10.)

I successfully defended myself in court. I cross examined the police officer. After I was finished the whole courtroom clapped. This is the third time I’ve done this. (09/19/02)

The night before court I was waiting for girl in a bar. In 40 minutes I single handedly drank 5 pitchers of beer and three shots!! (09/20/02)

I slept in a tent in my boxers when it was 22 degrees. (09/20/02 - not worth this list, and I can't remember the context. I wish I would have included a comment on this one. What could we possibly have been talking about where it would have been appropriate for him to lie about this? I have no idea)

I was racing with my friends at night going to a motorcycle meet in Lake Geneva. I was riding so fast that I got tunnel vision. Before I knew it I was 10 miles past were I was supposed to be. (10/14/02)

I went to apply for a security position in a sports store. The hiring manager took my application and said he would get back with me. I stole about $3,000 worth of sport goods and put them in my truck. I went back to the store and spoke with the hiring manager. I asked him to come to my truck and I showed him all the goods. He asked me how I got it and I said “Hire me and I’ll show you!!” (10/18/02, and my 2nd favorite. This one almost takes the place as my favorite, but it happened after the motorcycle test lie, so it's hard for me to move it to #1)

I went to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. I didn't get a room on purpose because I stayed with a different girl every night I was there!!" (02/13/03 - believe it or not, there's a good chance that this wasn't a lie. But for whatever reason in February of 2003, I decided that it was good enough to be put on this list. Maybe it's because it would seem to be an outlandish tale for anyone except The Legend)

When I was 18 years old I bought a Corvette. I only had it for three months. (08/13/03 - this one was only funny because a minute earlier, another co-worker of ours was mentioning that he had just bought a Corvette. The Legend was now claiming to have owned one despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of this before)

When I worked at O’Hare setting up cones on the runway, I stood on the runway as a plane landed. It lifted me up and carried me 100 ft into a fence. I couldn’t breath. (09/24/03 – you may remember this from a scene in the movie “Pushing Tin”. Yep, a group of people around the office were discussing this scene when The Legend chimed in with “yeah I’ve done that before”)


And that's that. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. And I hope The Legend is out there somewhere today, coming up with ridiculous shenanigans for his current co-workers. That possibility makes me smile.

Not that there's anything wrong with him...

From AOL Fanhouse:


It's going to be an embarrassing day at the office for people who get their news from the Christian web site One News Now. The water cooler conversation about sports is going to get awkward when they say, "Did you see the record set by Tyson Homosexual?"

Yes, One News Now, which describes itself as providing "your latest news from a Christian perspective," calls the Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay "Tyson Homosexual."

Jim Buzinski of Outsports explains that the site has set a filter to change the word "gay" to "homosexual," and they don't bother to look at the context of the story before applying the filter. And that's how Gay became Homosexual.


I will never stop reading crap on the Internet for fear that I'll miss a good story like this one.

Friday, June 27, 2008

le gusta la gasolina

This guy's protest doesn't make much sense to me. He drove onto the lawn of a convention center, hopped out of his car, doused the car with gasoline and lit it on fire. By the time the fire was put out, his car was no more. His reason? He's tired of rising gas prices and could no longer afford to drive the car. Okay I guess it's a statement, even if it is a dumb one.

But pay attention to the last line of the article: As in many countries, gasoline prices have risen steadily in Germany; a liter of regular gasoline now costs about euro1.55, or $9.40 per gallon.

That just pisses me off. I hate when these news organizations try to translate the cost of gasoline for foreign countries but convert the exchange rate first. That completely skews it. 1 gallon of gas is equal to about 3.785 liters. So doing the math, that's $5.87/gallon. But what these news organizations do is they account for the exchange rate first. And because the euro dominates the dollar in terms of worth, the $5.87 figure jumps up to $9.40. It's a load of crap though because a guy in Germany isn't using an American dollar to buy his gas. He's using euros. That he earned at his job THAT PAYS EUROS!!!!!

I'm trying to think of an equivalent here....okay I got it [I think]. It would be like me complaining that I paid $250,000 for my house when my friend from [a poor state] bought a similar house for $40,000. Of course I wouldn't mention that the best jobs in the state where my friend lives only pays a fraction of the salary that my state does.


So remember this tactic the next time you see a story that says Americans still have it good with gas prices.

[NOTE: This entire post was just an excuse to use the word "hogwash"]

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Didn't you get my out of office?

I received the following out-of-office from co-worker Jenny McDouche:

I will be out of the office on Friday, 06/27/08 and returning Monday, 06/30/08. If you need immediate assistance please contact Amanda Sucksatjob at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

So I emailed Amanda Sucksatjob, and this is what I got:

I will be out of the office 6/27/2008 returning on 06/30/08. If you need immediate assistance please call Jenny McDouche at xxx-xxx-xxxx.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thank you for choosing Meijer

The Meijer store down the street from my work has a gas station attached to it. Whenever I buy gas there, I'm always greeted by a voice that talks to me from the pump's speaker that says "Thank you for choosing Meijer". I had never paid much attention to it before, but today was different.

Just as I was about to pump my gas, the voice said to me "Thank you for choosing Meijer, Sir."

What the fuck?

Sir? How did it know I was a guy?

"You're welcome," I responded quietly. Then I started to look around to see if anybody was pointing and laughing at me, like "hey, check out the guy on that show where we record people getting harrassed and frustrated for America's enjoyment". But nobody was pointing or laughing at me.

"Wait, are you a real person?" I asked the fuel pump.

"Yes," the fuel pump answered.

Holy crap. All this time, the "thank you for choosing Meijer" guy was a real freaking guy, whose job it is apparently to say "thank you for choosing Meijer" to hundreds of people a day. Unreal.

He was probably getting pissed that people were never answering him.

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I felt a Tw-Inge

This is a new one.

The Tigers have placed utility man Brandon Inge on the disabled list retroactive to June 23rd with a pulled oblique muscle...Inge said he aggravated the injury moving a pillow for his three-year-old Monday night.

Uh huh. Personally I would have gone with the "I fell into a blanket of feathers" excuse.

Hey that reminds me of a stupid joke: What happened to the guy who jumped 100 feet into a bottle of root beer? Nothing, it was a soft drink.

This blog sucks. Even the title was lame. Got anything to talk about?

[h/t TBL on the Inge story]

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Quick Link

From start to finish, this may be my favorite story of all time.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Number 1 Downer Street

We all know about the sub-prime mortgage crises. I've talked about it on this blog and I'm borderline retarded, so I have no doubt that you've probably read something about it from someone who's smart. But have you read anything about the possibility of a prime mortgage crises? Because I haven't. And even though nobody is talking about it, I see no way that we're not headed in that direction.

Think about it - everyone was taking advantage of the housing boom 5 years ago. People who normally couldn't afford a mortgage were getting approved with ARM's and we've already seen the fallout from that. But what about the people who were approved for prime mortgages who were buying outside their means? What about them? I'm talking about the young 30-something couples who combined make $100,000 to $200,000/year but were getting approved for $800,000 mortgage loans. With the market crash, there's no way their houses are worth what they paid for them 5 years ago, so what happens if they lose their jobs? Who is going to pay for their $3000/month mortgages? Is the government prepared for that kind of bailout? Because it seems to me that a bailout of the prime mortgages will be a lot more expensive than a bailout of the subprime. And if that happens, we're all bleeped.

Just sayin'.

[Sorry Jeremy; I'll get back to being 1 Happy Street tomorrow]

Jamie Lee Curtis, Abercrombie, and other Randoms

- Do you know what the point is behind electronic paper towel dispensers in a public restroom? If it's a convenience thing so that I don't have to touch stuff, shouldn't there be an electronic bathroom door opener too then?

- I like when people ask to be called something not even close to their real name. There's this guy who works for my company whose name is Melvin, but he asks to be called Rick. I know he's not going by his middle name since it starts with W. I'm thinking he does it so that people who don't know him won't be able to find him in the company directory. He probably gets out of so much work doing that. Then again, if your name was Melvin, you'd probably want to be called something else too.

- How many times can someone be humbled before they give up and realize that they've always sucked?

- I've been wearing abercrombie cologne recently. You wouldn't believe how many people have come up to me and said "hey are you wearing abercrombie?" Or maybe you would believe it. The point is, this is something I could never do. Recognizing cologne smells? What the bleep?

- On my vacation, I landscaped my front yard. Apparently landscaping and gardening brings people together. I think the whole neighborhood came and introduced themselves to me. One lady told me that she was wondering what I was going to do with the dried bushes in my front yard. I was like, oh great, we were THAT house (signs we're getting old courtesy of Maegan).

- Jamie Lee Curtis freaks me out. If I have digestive issues, is yogurt really fixing that shit? Get it? Fixing that shit? I love puns.

- Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick?

- Yeah, those lyrics still speak to me.

- On that note, remember that you can't be late for work if you simply don't show up.

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This little bloglet went to market

Various Artists would be a good band name.

I'm guessing that if you're name is Morrie, you really hate Tuesdays now.

I have a bum leg. I bought it off him for a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

For a food with only 0-.3% feline content, they probably could have come up with a better name for the KitKat.

I got Rock Band for Wii two days ago. I stayed home sick yesterday. Those two events are not related. I promise.

I'm against sexist stereotypes as much as the next guy.

There is no more secure job in the world than the geneticist that won a grant to create flying pigs. Think about it.

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I hear you Riskay

Every time I hear that song by Riskay (okay, I've heard it maybe twice), I can't help but think that she's singing to me. It's just a song that hits home, ya know?

Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick? Don't play me like a fool, 'cause that ain't cool. So what you need to do is let me smell YO dick. It's 4 o' clock and I'm sleepin', it's late night and you creepin', you coulda' told me "I'm leavin'", now I know you're out there cheatin'. Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick? Don't play me like a fool, 'cause that ain't cool. So what you need to do is let me smell YO dick.

Tell me those words don't resonate with you. You're lying. They do. I know when I creep, Jill will be waitin' up for me and she'll be all "Fool, come over here and let me smell yo dick" and I'll be all like "bitch don't be frontin'" and she'll be all "whatevah" and I'll be all "go back to sleep". And back and forth we go.

So thank you Riskay for writing my song.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Cubs versus White Sox

Jill is a Cubs fan and I am a White Sox fan. If I was rude, I could attribute that to Jill being a moron and me being smart. But you see, I'm not rude. Regardless, that's the tag she gives me for being a White Sox fan. She feels that in order for me to be "typical", I have to be rude in defeat and rude in victory. Like that's our makeup as White Sox fans or something. I feel that she's painting with too broad a brush. We're not all rude.

This is the time where Cubs fans mention that I may not be rude, but I'm still probably a mullet-sporting, wife-beating, 1st base coach-attacking, white trash loser. I disagree. I shaved my mullet over a year ago.

So the Cubs swept the White Sox over the weekend. Everything is right with the world. The Cubs are going to win the World Series and the White Sox will fold and die like the scum that they are. I get it. But I want Jill to know that I was gracious in defeat and I would have been gracious in victory. I wouldn't have taken any joy in her suffering had our roles been reversed (okay maybe a little). And yet it was an unnamed Cubs fan (I think Jim) who taped pictures of broomsticks to my monitor so that I would have something to greet me as I made it into work.

Who's being rude now?

So long, C#ck Sucker

My favorite George Carlin line: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hi my name is William, but you can call me Billiam

There's a new guy in my office whose name is Robert. His email signature says "Robert (Bob)". I'm not sure why I'm telling you this; I just think it's funny. I'm not calling him either of those though. From this day forward, he is officially Bobert.

What's the character of your team?

Hilarious rundown of the MLB franchises here.

Here are the Sox and Cubs for our Chicago readers.

Chicago Cubs - Derrick Zoolander -
You lovable loser you. You're devastatingly handsome, you get the hot chicks, and have yet to even unleash "Blue Steel". But, you always seem to mispronounce "Eugoogly" and embarrass yourself.

Chicago White Sox - Lucy Van Pelt -
Jealous that most people love your neighbor more than you, you claw and scratch your way to the top, only to find resentment and the fact that regardless of your accomplishments or failures, Charlie Brown will always be the favorite Peanuts character.

Best. Headline. Ever.

Found here.

Pierre: "Hey Billy, have you seen my crack?"
Billy: "Have you checked your crack?"
Pierre: "Oh right, I remember. My crack is in my crack."
Billy: "You so crazy Pierre."

h/t EM

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Judg not, lest ye be judgd. Or judged.

If you do a search of the word "judgment" on this blog, you'll find it in 5 different posts (all by me). If you do a search of the word "judgement" on this blog, you'll find it in 1 post (by Greg). What can we learn from this? That one of us is spelling it wrong.

Or are we?

The last time I used the word was May 27th and I remember at the time wondering if I was spelling it correctly. So I looked it up and the weird thing was that the dictionary seemed to say that either spelling was okay. What the [bleep]? It seems I'm not the only person confused by this. Consider Joe Posnanski's blog from today:

It’s crazy to think that nobody wants to just make a call on how to spell the word “judgement” (or, if you prefer, “judgment”). Dictionaries seem to be in agreement … either spelling is fine, you can spell it either with the E or without the E, they don’t really care. See, that bothers me — if a DICTIONARY won’t make a call, who will? What is happening in our society? Some say that the British version is “judgement” while the American is “judgment,” which is equally annoying … we should be able to come to some sort of NATO agreement on this, no? Well, frankly, we have to make a call here. It’s a clear-cut choice. We spell the word “engagement” with an E. So from this day forth … the only correct way to spell judgement is, well, judgement. Thank you.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Or you wait for some neighborhood kids to make it and then you steal all their money.

An 18-year-old man stole $17.50 from a group of kids selling lemonade. One of the kids chased the man down into a home and waited there until the police arrived. An hour later, the man surrendered and was arrested. He was charged with felony burglary.

A few thoughts here:

1. Isn't it weird to read 18-year-old MAN? I remember when I was 18. I was no man. Neither is this guy. Stealing lemonade money from kids disqualifies you.

2. FELONY burglary? Stealing less than $20 from a group of kids is a felony? Holy crap!

3. The kid who chased this "man" is a badass. But a badass whose parents probably need to tell her that what she did was foolish.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

3 more years of this douche?

Horrible news. Chicago's least favorite douchebag sports columnist Jay Mariotti has re-signed to continue being Chicago's least favorite douchebag sports columnist through May of 2011. I'll let the Chicago Sun-Times' editor-in chief Michael Cooke explain it:

"Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a focal point of our strong, award-winning team that produces simply the best sports news in print and online anywhere. We are excited to continue working with Jay, and for him to continue to pull no punches when it comes to his exceptional sports commentary."

That all sounds like B.S. management-speak. So I'll translate what I think Michael really meant: "Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a douchebag that gets people upset for no reason whatsoever when it comes to Chicago's sports teams. I don't think he even likes sports. I mean how could he? He only writes about how much he hates stuff. The plus side for me and the management within the Sun-Times though is that people from Chicago can't help themselves and continue clicking on his online columns and continue buying our newspaper to specifically read him. We don't know why they do it, but they do. So as long as this joker is going to continue making us profitable, we're going to continue letting him print his bullshit. Hey if you don't like it, stop clicking on his name you crackhead."

That sounds about right.

Hacksaw Brian Duggan

How was your evening? Mine was okay. Oh, except for when I got whacked in the head with a huge piece of wood.....

I was on my hands and knees.....wait, let me start over.

I was digging in my backyard with a small shovel in order to bury some block to level my pool deck. I had a 8' 4x4 post resting against the side of the deck, but forgot about it. So as I was digging, it fell over and hit me square in the noggin.

One ER visit and 8 stitches later, that's the picture.

Which pun should I use to describe the scene and end this blog?

I was just trying to get ahead in life.

It certainly wasn't a time to lose one's head.
No again. And I think Austin Powers used that one, so that'd be cheating.

My night was great; it had me in bloody stitches.
Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, and check out the label I get to use: funny headlines. Get it? Funny Head Lines?

Hey, I got a concussion 12 hours ago. Leave me alone.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Survey: Are you insane and about to overdose on drugs and your own vomit?

Are you unsure if you're insane and about to overdose on drugs and your own vomit? Take some time to fill out this short survey to determine whether or not you are insane and about to overdose on drugs and your own vomit.

1. Are you Amy Winehouse?
Yes (2 points)
Not sure (1 point)
No (0 points)

1-2 points - Yes, you're insane and about to o.d. on drugs and your own vomit.
0 points - Inconclusive.

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Overheard in the office

Guy A: "What are you watching?"
Guy B: "The video feed of the U.S. Open."
Guy A: "Tiger won it like 5 minutes ago."
Guy B: "What are you talking about? They're in sudden death."
Guy A: "They WERE in sudden death. Tiger won it already."
Guy B: "You fucking kidding me?"

/Proof that the video stream was slow as molasses.

One more golf-related question and then I'll put this topic to bed: Why can’t fans in the gallery make noises during a golfer's backswing? Poor Milton Bradley has to play the outfield while people pelt him with batteries, but little Tiger Woods can’t handle a camera click?

Maybe Tiger should spend a day in Milton Bradley's shoes before we start calling him the greatest athlete ever. Or Rex Grossman's shoes. Or Alex Rodriguez's shoes. Or Goody Two's shoes. Or Bozo's shoes. Or Barry Bonds' shoes. Or blip blop shoes. Or I quit.


Mo' lasses

I just wanted to reuse the molasses tag.

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Sweet sassy molassy

If you're trying to describe the slow speed of something and you compare it to molasses, you need to work on your simile's. That's just a poor effort, using molasses. Does anybody even know what molasses is anymore? No, because we use honey. Or brown sugar. Molasses. Bah!

By the way, this video stream of the U.S. Open is slow as.........

Okay molasses.

Another by the way: why does someone in the gallery yell "GET IN THE HOLE" every time a golfer takes a shot no matter where it's from?

Announcer: "Well Roger, we're 517 yards from the green on this par 5. Tiger with his first shot from the tee."


"GET IN THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Survey: Are you gay?

Are you unsure if you're gay? Take some time to fill out this short survey to determine whether or not you are gay.

1. Are you gay?

  • Yes (2 points)
  • Not sure (1 point)
  • No (0 points)

1-2 points - Yes, you are gay.
0 points - No, not gay.

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60th sounds better than last

I told you about it last year. I told you about it the year before. So I have to tell you again this year, right? Saturday was my annual Father's Day golf outing.

A little background in case you forgot. I've always been awful at golf. I've been so bad in the past that most of the time I wouldn't even keep score; I would just ride around in the cart drinking beer while occasionally getting out to hit the ball. I've made no secret of this. But admittedly, I've been getting better. I have newer clubs [and they're good one's], new shoes, and hats for my bats to keep bats warm [gracias]. And the last few times out, I've done okay*.

*Granted, okay for you might be in the 90's. Okay for me is 120.

I didn't do okay this time though. Far from it in fact. This year I went up against 59 other people. The golf course was pretty badass. Each cart had a computerized flatscreen television that allowed us to enter in our score after each hole. If you were in a large group [which we were], you could keep track of everyone else. A leaderboard if you will. Pretty cool, right? Well yeah, if you're good. But who wants electronic proof being broadcast to everyone on the course of how badly they suck? Because that was me. After each hole, I had to enter my 7 or 8 [or 10] into the computer, and then it would tell me how many shots over par I was, as well as my current standing amongst the 60 players. Needless to say, I was never better than 59th and I ended up in 60th with a 133. I don't know why I tell you these things 'cause that's a bloody embarrassment. But oh well. I'm not shy.

My brother-in-law Tommy finished in 59th with a 132. Do you believe that? 1 friggin stroke. Although I think I have to call shenanigans because I saw him take a 9 on the 16th hole and I could have sworn he got a 10.

That liar.

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I just play one on TV

I'll let do the talking:

The baseball Hall of Famer and two-time NL Most Valuable Player received an honorary doctorate of humane letters Saturday from California State University, East Bay the school where the Bay Area native earned his bachelor's degree after his 22-year playing career ended. Morgan, now an Emmy-winning broadcaster for ESPN, told graduates of the university's college of business and economics that he values the importance of education.

"I've always felt that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your education,'' said Morgan, who earned his bachelor's degree in 1990. ''If you continue your education, I believe you'll continue to improve the quality of your life.''

Before the 19-year-old Morgan signed a pro baseball contract with the Houston Colt .45's, he promised his parents he would finish his college education when his playing career ended. Morgan became emotional when Cal State East Bay president Mo Qayoumi conferred the honorary degree upon him before several thousand people.

''My family and I are deeply grateful and honored that you feel I am worthy of this degree,'' Morgan said.

Congratulations Dr. Morgan.

Weekend Sports Thoughts

Not to be the guy who craps on the good story [okay, I love to be the guy who craps on the good story], but did you notice that Tiger Woods only grimaced yesterday when he shanked the ball into the rough? Every time he hit a good shot, his knee somehow gave him no pain.

The White Sox have lost 5 of 6. I think today is the day when Crazy Bones kills someone.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang injured his foot in yesterday's game. Can you guess which of the following lines related to that injury were found in articles by the AP, NY Post, NY Times?
A. An injured Wang doesn't bode well
B. They need a healthy Wang if they're going to make it to October
C. The other guys will have to step it up in the absense of Wang
D. You have a superior Wang
E. All of the above

Yep, the answer is E. Nicely done.

Actually, I made up A, B, and C.

And D was from Boogie Nights.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the day that Bull Durham was released. A lot of people will put Bull Durham on their list of favorite sports movies (or at least favorite baseball movies). Those same people will cite this line by Kevin Costner as one of its classics: Well, I believe in the soul, the bleep, the bleep, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. After that line, Susan Surandon gets a little weak in the knees and she falls in love with him. Okay fair enough. Who wouldn't fall in love with Kevin Costner after he said that? But I ask you: is there any way someone could ever give an impomptu speech like that without it being rehearsed? I don't think so. He totally used that speech once before. Or read it somewhere, liked it, and memorized it. Which means that Susan Surandon fell in love with a lie. That always bothered me about that movie.

You wanna know the best part though? Next time you catch that movie on cable, you'll think of me when Kevin Costner starts his little spiel.

Usted tiene una peticiĆ³n del amigo.

I just got a friend request on Facebook from someone with whom I attended grade school. In my few years in school with this person, I talked to him exactly zero times. I'm not exagerating. Zero times. I know this to be fact because of the following reasons...

A. He did not speak English.
B. See A.

Gotta love Facebook.

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I've met my bizarro

There's a guy who works for my company out of St. Louis whose name is Brian Dull. Of course that was the same name I received as a kid from classmates who were trying to offend me. So just seeing his name kinda gives me the shivers [not really].

Also, there's a guy from Illinois who had his name legally changed to In God We Trust. Here is the link to the story from last month of him trying to get it changed. I heard on the radio this morning that it went through. So congratulations In God. I hope if there's ever a future Mrs. We Trust that she will be as thrilled with the name as you are.

I think if I were to ever go to the trouble of changing my name, I'd change the spelling, but not the pronounciation. Like I'd still be called Brian, but I'd spell it P-E-T-E-R or something. Then when people would see my name in print, they'd call me Peter and I could say "uh, that's pronounced Brian" and then they'd be all confused. That'd be fun.

Shutting it now.

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

I have the POWER!!!!!!

The people who live on the other side of my street are without power right now and have been all day. My side of the street is fine. Right now I have all the lights on in the house just for fun.

Nah nah na boo boo.

And yes, this blog title was a He-Man reference. I think.

Friday, June 13, 2008

A dirty joke to get you through the weekend

I'm in a golfing spirit. Tomorrow it's going to be 80 degrees or so and I tee off shortly before 9. So to get you in the same spirit, I'm giving you this horribly dirty golf joke. Mom look away. Greg you too.

Okay, so this guy is on the 3rd tee and he's already 6 or 7 strokes over par. As you can imagine, he's pretty upset with how poorly he's doing. Just as he's about to tee off on the 3rd hole, a tiny leprechaun saddles up behind him.

"Excuse me Sir," says the leprechaun. "I notice you've been having some problems. Well I tell you what. If you [pleasure me orally], I'll make you a better golfer."

"That's nonsense," says the man. "Get out of here you crazy leprechaun."

So the leprechaun leaves.

A few holes later, the man is doing even worse. It's the 6th hole, and now he's a good 15 strokes over par. He's extremely upset now and is on the verge of throwing his clubs into a pond. Along comes you know who.

"Excuse me Sir," says the leprechaun. "I notice that you're not getting any better. Well my offer still stands. [Pleasure me orally], and I'll make you a better golfer."

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of here," says the man. "I don't need your help, and I'm certainly not going to do that to get it."

So the leprechaun leaves again.

Three holes later, the man tees off and his ball flies directly into the woods.

"Son of a bitch, c___ sucker gosh darnit to [bleep]!" screams the man. He's 20 over par, and now he has to go searching through the trees to find his ball.

With that, the leprechaun wanders over one more time.

"Sir," says the leprechaun. "I've seen you hit the ball over here. I've seen you hit the ball over there. I've seen you hit the ball everywhere except for where you're supposed to hit the ball. Please, let me help you. [Pleasure me orally], and I'll make you a good golfer."

By now the man is desperate. He hates that he sucks at golf, so he finally obliges the leprechaun.

So as he's [pleasuring the leprechaun orally], the leprechaun looks down at the man and says "by the way Sir, how old are you?"

"Well I'm 35 years old," says the man.

"And you still believe in leprechauns?"

Happy Friday. And if your weather cooperates this weekend, make sure you enjoy it.

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Pointing out something just for fun

In 1988, the pilot episode of "The Wonder Years" aired. The story took place 20 years earlier in 1968. It is now 2008, which means that if "The Wonder Years" was re-released today, the story would take place 20 years earlier in 1988.

The bloody hell?

Also, you're old.

Okay, go back to what you were doing.

Hey, hey, hey. I want to see this movie!

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Do you want to do it in the smurf?

Have you heard that the CEO of Sony is making a movie based on the Smurfs? I smurfed about it in this article. It's an interesting smurf if you have the time. But get this: it's going to smurf in live-action CGI. How creepy is that? Real people walking around with cartoon smurfs. That's smurfin' smurf if you ask me.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Morons, your bus is leaving.

This image was sent in by longtime 1 Happy St. reader/commenter Molly from her son's kindergarten commencement ceremony this morning. If these are the kinds of things he's learning there, she should think hard about finding a different school.

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Puffy Combs big, yeah yeah yeah. He's not small, no no no

From Melissa:

P. Diddy changed his name again back to Puff Daddy. I think he should leave it up to the fans to mix it up a little. I would choose Puffy Combs. Or does that sound too much like cereal?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I'd rather be without power than working

I'm totally working right now. Yeah it's almost midnight my time and in between this blog post I have been trying to get updates about why all of the ATM's in busted Pontiac, MI are out of service. Stupid storms. Is all of Michigan without power right now?

Monday, June 09, 2008

A little White Sox jinxing

I don't want to jinx it or anything* but my Chicago White Sox are now 5.5 games ahead of the 2nd place Twins. They've won 6 straight games since Crazy Bones went on his tirade where he called his hitting coach an asshole**.

* I've made it clear on this site before that I believe in jinx's the same way that I believe in the tooth-fairy and curses and leprechauns. That is to say, I believe in them with all my heart. And with all my heart, I mean none of it. Jinx's aren't real. Neither is the tooth-fairy and neither are curses. Okay maybe with leprechauns I can still be convinced. After watching this video, I can't rule it out just yet (stick around for the amateur sketch in that video if you haven't seen it yet; you won't be disappointed). But back to this jinx thing. How can people believe in sports jinx's? If I say out loud that there's no way the White Sox will lose today and then they end up losing, were my words really that powerful that they willed a group of 9 or 10 people to fail who have never met me and probably never will? Who the hell am I to where I can have an impact on what a baseball team does? And how is the strength of my jinx more powerful than the jinx of the fan of the other team who said there's no way his team would lose? Right? If my jinx was really that powerful, don't you think I'd have figured out a way to put it to better use by now? I would totally be jinxing my ability to lose the lotto every week.

** Okay he didn't really call his hitting coach an asshole, but he did call him a child molester who probably roots for the Indians. And that was wrong in my opinion. You should never joke about rooting for the Indians.

Not only have they won 6 in a row, but they've done it in style, outscoring their opponents by 718 runs (estimate), and not once has one of their fans jumped on the field and attacked the 1st base coach of the opposing team (dated William Ligue reference). So yeah, it's good to be a White Sox fan right now. Personally though, I kind of miss the craziness. Hopefully by the end of the week, they'll have lost 2 or 3 games in a row and Mariotti can call for Ozzie's job again and Ozzie can call Mariotti a fag again. Things just aren't right when they're going well.

My small talk really needs work

This is a conversation I had in an elevator with a guy who was holding plants:

Me: "Nice plants."
Him: "Thanks."

Friday, June 06, 2008

Overheard in the office

Person A: "I hate that my text messaging only allows 130 characters. I don't like having to send a 2nd one."

Person B: "Why don't you just email them then?"

[short pause]

Me: "Or call them!"

I like how my option was 3rd.

Don't get me started. Don't EVEN get me started.

The headlines I see today:

- Unemployment rate hits 20 year high, 49,000 jobs lost.
- Oil prices soar to $135/barrel on supply concerns.
- U.S. dollar weakens.

I know we keep this site apolitical most of the time. And I know Greg said in a comment earlier this week that he prefers a government that let's him decide how to run his life. And I agree with that. But don't the above headlines make you wonder why our government is allowing this to happen? Where are our leaders? Are there people on the case right now that are trying to figure out ways to prevent our entire economic system from breaking down? Because that's what's happening. And I'm not speaking for myself here. At least not yet. I'm talking about the people who lived paycheck to paycheck BEFORE gas prices reached $4/gallon. The construction worker who drives his big truck to the job site every day. The taxi/limo drivers. The self-employed guy/gal who doesn't have the luxury of working from home. How are these people making it? The answer is that they're not. They're failing. And you know what happens once they do? Our government has to help them. That's right, they're going to have to rely on the people who failed them in the first place for help. Our leaders told us to keep spending and the economy would be fine. They even gave us back some of our money to do it. But what they failed to realize (or didn't mention) was that for the past 2 years, we've been racking up credit card debt. So that $600 they gave us didn't go to the mall or Best Buy. No, it went to Visa. Or it went towards our $70/week gasoline bill. Nice friggin plan Genius's. It's all bullshit. So now today, the only thing we hear in regards to our government is whether or not Hillary is going to be Obama's running mate. Or whether or not McCain is too old. You know what? Who the fuck cares about that? What about today?!?! At this rate, we're not even going to make it to November.

You should immediately FWD this list to everyone you have ever met

This list comes via the great Seth Godin blog. He writes a blog for marketers but this entry is pretty universal.

Email Checklist

  1. Is it going to just one person? (If yes, jump to #10)
  2. Since it's going to a group, have I thought about who is on my list?
  3. Are they blind copied?
  4. Did every person on the list really and truly opt in? Not like sort of, but really ask for it?
  5. So that means that if I didn't send it to them, they'd complain about not getting it?
  6. See #5. If they wouldn't complain, take them off!
  7. That means, for example, that sending bulk email to a list of bloggers just cause they have blogs is not okay.
  8. Aside: the definition of permission marketing: Anticipated, personal and relevant messages delivered to people who actually want to get them. Nowhere does it say anything about you and your needs as a sender. Probably none of my business, but I'm just letting you know how I feel. (And how your prospects feel).
  9. Is the email from a real person? If it is, will hitting reply get a note back to that person? (if not, change it please).
  10. Have I corresponded with this person before?
  11. Really? They've written back? (if no, reconsider email).
  12. If it is a cold-call email, and I'm sure it's welcome, and I'm sure it's not spam, then don't apologize. If I need to apologize, then yes, it's spam, and I'll get the brand-hurt I deserve.
  13. Am I angry? (If so, save as draft and come back to the note in one hour).
  14. Could I do this note better with a phone call?
  15. Am I blind-ccing my boss? If so, what will happen if the recipient finds out?
  16. Is there anything in this email I don't want the attorney general, the media or my boss seeing? (If so, hit delete).
  17. Is any portion of the email in all caps? (If so, consider changing it.)
  18. Is it in black type at a normal size?
  19. Do I have my contact info at the bottom? (If not, consider adding it).
  20. Have I included the line, "Please save the planet. Don't print this email"? (If so, please delete the line and consider a job as a forest ranger or flight attendant).
  21. Could this email be shorter?
  22. Is there anyone copied on this email who could be left off the list?
  23. Have I attached any files that are very big? (If so, google something like 'send big files' and consider your options.)
  24. Have I attached any files that would work better in PDF format?
  25. Are there any :-) or other emoticons involved? (If so, reconsider).
  26. Am I forwarding someone else's mail? (If so, will they be happy when they find out?)
  27. Am I forwarding something about religion (mine or someone else's)? (If so, delete).
  28. Am I forwarding something about a virus or worldwide charity effort or other potential hoax? (If so, visit snopes and check to see if it's 'actually true).
  29. Did I hit 'reply all'? If so, am I glad I did? Does every person on the list need to see it?
  30. Am I quoting back the original text in a helpful way? (Sending an email that says, in its entirety, "yes," is not helpful).
  31. If this email is to someone like Seth, did I check to make sure I know the difference between its and it's? Just wondering.
  32. If this is a press release, am I really sure that the recipient is going to be delighted to get it? Or am I taking advantage of the asymmetrical nature of email--free to send, expensive investment of time to read or delete?
  33. Are there any little animated creatures in the footer of this email? Adorable kittens? Endangered species of any kind?
  34. Bonus: Is there a long legal disclaimer at the bottom of my email? Why?
  35. Bonus: Does the subject line make it easy to understand what's to come and likely it will get filed properly?
  36. If I had to pay 42 cents to send this email, would I?

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Not so Smartie

The package of Smarties has a picture of a package of Smarties on it. But the rest of the package is clear so we can see what's inside. That's idiotic.

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If the lady at the burrito place asks you if you want your food to include cilantro, tell her "no thanks". You hate cilantro on your burrito. Every time you bite into one of those stems, you'll think to yourself "damn, I wish this burrito didn't have cilantro. It tastes like open anus. Or at least how I would assume open anus tastes".

Also, if you order 1 steak taco just in case the burrito that you ordered tastes like open anus [that was good thinking by the way; you can never tell with a new burrito place], make sure you also tell the lady "no cilantro on that either". You remember that cilantro taste that you hate on your burrito? Well it does not get magically better when it's put on a taco. Just like with the burrito, the cilantro will make your taco taste like open anus as well.

Quick aside - you do not like the taste of open anus.

[follow-up note from Brian: that first paragraph reads a lot better if you read it in the voice of Mitch Hedberg. Go ahead, try it]

Gonna make you light yourself on fire

Today is MLB's amateur draft. I made mention of it last year when I lamented (good word) that some of the players who would be selected were born in 1989. Then I came up with a list of things that these kids probably weren't familiar with:

- if a song from Van Halen or Bon Jovi came on the radio, they probably wouldn't know who it was. That's probably a good thing for them, so bad example.
- they don't remember when our current President's dad was the President. Another bad example? I can keep going.
- they've never paid for gas when it was under $2 per gallon.
- they only have faint memories of when Michael Jordan was a good basketball player.
- they've never gone to the movies and paid less than $8.
- they don't remember when Christopher Reeve was Superman, Michael Keaton was Batman, and we didn't have a Spiderman.
- they've probably never been to a baseball card show.
- they don't remember when Mike Tyson's Punchout had the best graphics of all time.

then Greg added "it's very sad but [my son] only knows Michael Jordan as the guy who played basketball in the Bugs Bunny movie"

then I added, "then again, there's probably an entire generation of people who find it sad that we only know of Muhammad Ali as that guy with Parkinson's." <---wow that was mean.

Well if some of last year's players were born in 1989, you know what that means, right? Holy shit - 1990. Some kid who was born in the friggin' 1990's will become a millionaire today. He was being born at the same time that C&C Music Factory was making me sweat. He was being born at the same time that I was being introduced to Frank Thomas. He was being born at the same time the neighbor kid Sean Anderson was introducing me to dirty magazines for the first time. Just kidding Mom. But not really. Why do you think I kept going over to his house? It wasn't because he was my friend.

But anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that we have reached the point where kids who were born in the 1990's will soon be joining the workforce. Are you ready for that?

My bit was [kinda] stolen by Jon Stewart. My life is complete.

From me where I make fun of Hillary not yet conceding the election in my blog post titled "Hillary Clinton = George Costanza?" - Like tonight after the White Sox lose to the Royals 2-1, can Crazy Bones tell his team to stay on the field? "Dis game iz not over. Deez kidz play hard and we no give up." I can see that working, at least for a little while until they turn the lights off. It's worth a shot though. It's been working for Hillary for the last month or so.

Now this from Jon Stewart as he was talking to Terry McAuliffe on the Daily Show on Tuesday night - I love the New York Mets. Last year they had a late-season collapse, they didn’t make the playoffs. Convince me they won the World Series.

So it's not exact, but the idea is the same. Of course the execution by Jon was a lot better. But I still feel awesome right now.

When Plaxo stalks you

An IM I just got from Donald:

Donald(07:31:33): gotta love Plaxo
Donald(07:31:39): Brian posted a blog entry 1HappySt advice

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received came from a former neighbor of mine who said to me "always deuce at work ... "
Donald(07:31:57): they really know how to get you interested

I'm not sure what Plaxo is, but I'm glad it's around.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

My swinging door rule

Whenever I find myself approaching a door that swings towards me, I always anticipate that it’s just about to swing open. Because then if it ever happens to where someone bursts through right at the moment that I arrive, I find that my preparation ahead of time cuts down on the chance of having to go through that whole "whoa, sorry about that, did I scare ‘ya?" routine with the other person. And let’s face it, we all hate that routine. Try it out yourself next time you get the chance.

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1HappySt advice

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received came from a former neighbor of mine who said to me "always deuce at work because where else are you going to get paid to deuce". Now I can't remember the context in which that even came up in our conversation; I think we were talking about pool supplies or something. But at the time he said it, I was one of those who people who would never deuce at work. I was like Shitbreak from American Pie. I wasn't going in there for that.

But then I started to weigh the pros and cons. The obvious pros were that it makes you feel better immediately. Also, holding it in can be damaging to your health and nobody needs that. Now as like a bonus, there was this new pro that I hadn't thought of until my genius neighbor brought it to my attention. As I saw it, there was only 1 con; I'd be occupying a space that had previously been occupied by another male co-worker who had recently had his pants around his ankles. Granted, that's a huge con. But the question was, was that con worth the prospect of missing out on free money? My answer - hells no. So I became one of those guys who deuces at work. And honestly, it changed my life. No more feeling sick when I got home. My health risks were cut by 34% (figures estimated and chosen arbitrarily). And most importantly, I was getting paid to do it.

So why am I bringing this up now? No reason whatsoever. Oh wait yes there is. I bring this up to you now because a few weeks ago, I shared this advice with a friend of mine and he seems to have really taken to it. I know this because ever since then, I've been getting texts from him (usually right after lunch time) that say "totally getting paid for this". Glad I could help Friend. Glad I could help.

And now I pass this advice onto you. Next time you're in there, please think of me.

Do these come in low-rise?

K-Mart is now selling abstinence sweatpants.

I think it's safe to say that if you are wearing sweatpants, getting laid wasn't high on your "to do" list in the first place. They might as well be selling abstinence fanny packs.

Here's to hoping that "No Means No" halter tops will be available soon.

Not goin' anywhere for a while?

Overheard in the office as I was standing in front of the vending machine...

Her: "You must love Snickers."
Me: [blank stare]

It's like wearing a pair of pants with a hole in it. Once someone points it out, you can't do it anymore.

This guy is so going to jail


SAO PAULO, Brazil - Officials in northeastern Brazil say they confiscated the equivalent of more than $170,000 and two pistols from an imprisoned drug trafficker whose jail cell was equipped with a plasma TV set, a refrigerator and gym equipment.

Jose Francisco Leite, head of the state of Bahia's Prison Affairs Department, said the "posh prison life" Genilson Lins da Silva led came to an abrupt end on Monday when police raided his cell as part of a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking.

Leite said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.

They raided his cell? Like with guns blazing and stuff? Why not just walk up to him from the other side of the bars and say something like "yo Silva, up against the wall"? Instead, it sounds more like they arrested him. While he was in jail. I'm so confused.

A little bit of funny from Joe Posnanski

About Barack Obama's elitism - [He] has bought into the concept that Barack Obama is too elitist and not at all like the real and authentic folk. Well, first off, there’s the sickening absurdity of the whole elitist concept — the man is RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. Of course he thinks he’s elite. So does McCain, Hill, Bob Barr, and anyone else who has the audacity to believe that he/she should be the President of the United States. Please. How in the hell can someone raise hundreds of millions of dollars and travel non-stop around the country to tell people again and again why he is the right choice — the only choice — to become the world’s most powerful person and NOT BE ELITIST? Ripping a presidential candidate for being elitist to me is like ripping your heart surgeon for being a perfectionist.

Good stuff.

How was your weekend?!?

[It's been suggested that the picture previously shown in this space would prevent me from ever becoming the President. I disagree, but I also think it couldn't help. I'm not saying I have aspirations to one day be the President, but I also can't say for certain that I won't want to in the future. So the picture leaves us. Sorry. If you have any specific questions about my weekend, email me and I'll be happy to answer them*].

* Not true.

Mine was okay.

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Hillary Clinton = George Costanza?

According to the AP, Hillary Clinton has been mathematically eliminated from the Democratic presidential nomination. The AP is basing this on public commitments from convention delegates. Hillary's campaign manager, the brilliant Terry McAuliffe, is still saying that our girl isn't conceding.

"The race goes on, the AP is wrong, blah blah blah." <---I think that's what he said.

So basically everyone has accepted Barack Obama as the Dem nominee except for Hillary and her people. She's basically pulling a Costanza (continuing to show up for work even though she's been fired). Fair enough. Question though - can this tactic be used in other walks of life?

Like tonight after the White Sox lose to the Royals 2-1, can Crazy Bones tell his team to stay on the field? "Dis game iz not over. Deez kidz play hard and we no give up." I can see that working, at least for a little while until they turn the lights off. It's worth a shot though. It's been working for Hillary for the last month or so.

[Follow-up from Brian: I realize that Costanza quit that job and wasn't actually fired until he came back the next day. I also realize that this makes my analogy quite lame. But I'm willing to overlook it if you are. Thanks]

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

A car plows into a group of cyclists in Mexico yesterday.

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You're reading this in the future (or is it the past?)

This is a fascinating article. Apparently scientists have discovered why our mind plays tricks on us when we look at optical illusions.

The reason, as my tiny mind understands it, is that our eyes see things one tenth of a second before our brain processes it. To compensate for the lag, our brain predicts what we're going to see before we do.

Optical illusions are caused when our brain predicts what it is we are looking at based on our, expectations, preconceived notions or personal biases.

I just love this kind of stuff, but now my head hurts from thinking about it.

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A Sex and the City follow-up

Jill dragged me to Sex and the City last night*. I'd like to tell you that I missed the whole thing because my eyes were bleeding, but that's not true. No, I tried to force my eyes to bleed, but I didn't have a fork handy and I didn't want to use my fingers because they were still a little bit dirty from having done yardwork earlier. So instead I had to sit there and take it.

* She didn't drag me. It was my idea. I didn't think I would mind it, plus I actually watched most of the episodes on TV back in the day when it came on before The Sopranos. So what the hell, right?

We were in the theater with about 40 other females and 3 other guys. Before the movie started, the 4 of us guys had a debate amongst us on who had the smallest pair of balls. Sadly I don't think we ever came up with a "winner", but looking back, my case was just as strong as any of theirs. Except for the one guy who had no balls at all who was there with his sister. I mean honestly man, your sister? You can say no to your sister. There's no "taking one for the team" with your sister. That was just ill-played. The sad thing is he knew it. Poor bastard. As for the movie itself, I can say in all honesty that the 1st hour of this thing was the worst 60 minutes I have ever experienced at a movie theater. And remember this is coming from someone who once saw The Beverly Hillbillies on the big screen. And that Chris Farley movie where he plays a ninja. And 8 Heads in a Dufflebag. And the Police Academy movie where they go to Miami.**

** One of the most regrettable decisions to ever come from my childhood was my answer to the question, "which would you rather see, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure or Police Academy Assignment Miami Beach?" To be fair, I was only 10 years old at the time. Neat aside - I think another option would have been Say Anything, but I doubt I would have understood that movie anyway. "Why are they taking Frazier's dad to jail? What did he do wrong? Wait, who is Frazier's dad?"

And then something happened after those first 60 minutes - the movie got better. Not better as in "wow I'm enjoying this" better, but better as in "wow I no longer wish I had that fork" better. The best part turned out to be the girl sitting next to us who kept snorting at every funny line. Now to be clear, I'm using the word "funny" with discretion. Perhaps I should modify that sentence to read "the girl sitting next to us who kept snorting at every line that SHE THOUGHT was funny". Yeah that makes more sense. But this girl was great. She totally kept me occupied for the final 90 minutes of this thing.

Wait, did I say the final 90 minutes?!? Yes I did. The movie started at 7 and we didn't get out of there until 9:30. Apparently when you're a producer in Hollywood who has ugly actors to star in a movie with a sub par script, you want to stretch it out as long as possible for your audience. Well played Mr. Producer. So after the 2.5 hours, Jill and I pretty much had the same reaction:

Jill: "Not bad, but I should have seen that with a group of girls."
Brian: "Not bad, but you should have seen that with a group of girls."

All in all though, it wasn't a total waste. Like I said, the last 90 minutes were actually okay. But for you guys, if you end up being dragged to this thing, bring a magazine or a book or something for the first hour so you have something to keep you occupied.

Or a fork.

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Check out this cool little guy

Maybe you think things aren't going your way. Well next time you start thinking like that, remember Adam Bender. He seems to be doing okay. Click that link and make sure you watch the video.

h/t Extra Mustard

Monday, June 02, 2008

Aren't you those two guys from that TV show, Wayne's World?

Mike Myers and Dana Carvey reprised their roles as Wayne and Garth at the MTV Movie Awards last night. They should not have. Carvey looks effing creepy (botox much?) and Myers looks... well... embarassed.

"Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?"

E-Mails that I probably shouldn't share for fear that the person who wrote it may realize that I'm making fun of them

Due to the trainer not being here today your pre-scheduled training on today will be re-scheduled until further notice.

I was disappointed that the training was canceled. Thankfully though, it has been pre-scheduled again for on tomorrow of next week. So that's good news.

Can you hear me now?

On my way to lunch today, I just saw a homeless guy talking on a cell phone. Then he finished up his conversation and went back to his spot on the exit ramp holding his sign.

I couldn't see what his sign said, but I'm guessing it was something like "Brother, can you spare me some roll-over minutes?"

Rachael Ray, nose-picking, and other Randoms

- You can tell a lot about a person based on whether or not they think the movie Beer Fest is funny.

- Have you ever thought that the meaning of "no-brainer" should be the exact opposite of how it's used?
Hey Billy, why'd you stick your finger in that light socket?
It was a no-brainer.

- I’m planning on saving one of my forever stamps for like 20 years just for spite. I’m getting my money’s worth on one of these things.

- Who am I kidding? I’ll probably lose it.

- I’m on the last sheet of paper in my notepad at work. Getting a replacement is kind of a hassle [not really], so you can bet that this last page will look pretty crazy by the end of the week. I’m sure by Wednesday I will have moved on to the cardboard backing.

- When you heard that Rachael Ray was wearing an Arab scarf in a Dunkin Donuts commercial, weren’t you expecting something different? I’ll admit, after I saw the picture, I was disappointed. Am I not allowed to wear a scarf now?

- Do you remember when $100 was a lot of money? Now if I go to any store and only spend $100, I feel like I did a good job.

- I had a moment recently where I remembered something funny from my childhood, and then I started laughing at it. The memory wasn’t really sparked by anything, so to an outsider looking on, I’m sure I looked insane.

- The moment was probably from 2nd or 3rd grade. Paul Munich was the kid in class who always picked his nose. He was chosen by the teacher to captain one of the kickball teams during recess, so the teacher said to him, “Paul, you pick first.” Then Sean Anderson, without skipping a beat, said “Paul always gets to pick first” while pretending to stick his finger in his nose. Oh that Sean Anderson. I think the teacher yelled at him for it, but afterwards in her Miss Lippy-style alone time, I bet even she had a good laugh.

- Mark Prior’s season ended over the weekend after it was revealed that he has a tear in his throwing shoulder. That’s a shame too because he was just starting to get good movement on those towels [courtesy of Donald].

- Whatever, it’s a good joke if you get it. If you don’t then I’m sorry.

- On that note, remember that if not for the last place you look, nothing would ever be found.

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