1 Happy St

- Whenever I get my haircut, the lady who cuts my hair always asks me how I want my sideburns. I never know an acceptable answer to this question. So from now on, I'm just gonna say "long like Elvis".

- It's never good when you hear someone sneeze, followed by them saying "oh no" while they run to the bathroom.

- Were any of you disappointed in Nicole Richie’s mug shot? I was hoping for something like Nick Nolte or Rip Torn, but she actually looked okay. What a let-down.

- You know that guy who collects all the steel and metal who drives around the neighborhood with washers, dryers, water heaters, and steel pipes hanging from the top of his pickup? You never see his truck empty. It's always over-flowing with crap and looks like it's about to spill out all over the road. But then it never does.

- I could never be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge because I can't puff out my chest for a full hour like those other guys on the show can. Eventually I have to exhale.

- It's not a good idea to ask a group of people which is better, the Zune, Zin, iPod, or any of the rest of the 1000 different available MP3 players. You're setting yourself up to get a hundred different answers and you'll be more confused afterwards than you were before you asked.

- Something tells me every female fan of "The Office" is pissed at Jim for being so mean to Pam this season while every male fan is glad he's dating the hot tan girl.

- I have an email address that nobody knows about, so I never get any mail sent there. I recognize the stupidity, yet as you read this, that address is still in service.

- If you really think about it, participating in Secret Santa at work is either really dumb, really smart, or completely pointless, depending on what kind of gift-giver you are.

- I can watch this video 100 times a day [Editor's note, be prepared for sound].