Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Joe Morgan chat nonsense

Ask and I shall receive. A couple hours after mentioning that Joe had not chatted in a while, he had one today (that unfortunately, I missed live) and it was fantastic. It was a vintage Joe Morgan performance.

Mike: (York, Pa): Hey joe, how did you enjoy the Little League World Series? I know I enjoyed listening to you. Have fun.

Joe Morgan: I thought it was great. It was a fun event. It was the first time that I had ever been there. The excitement and pagentry was great. I thought it was great. But like everyone else, I hated to see one team lose, but it was great for them to get there.

Sounds like everything went great. Really great and great.
Nick Chicago: So is Jermaine Dye finally the top canidate for AL MVP?

Joe Morgan: When I was in Boston a couple of weeks ago, I said Derek Jeter was 1 and Big Papi was 1A and Dye was the other candidate. The other two guys are in heightened situations, but I think Dye is the most consistent producer from Day 1. Remember for a while, Big Papi was only hitting .250-.260. But Dye has been consistent, but he was overshadowed by Thome for a while.

I’m sorry, so is Dye finally the top candidate?
Dan (Mizzou): Should Cardinals fans really worry about the reds? We still have a 3 game lead.

Joe Morgan: I don't think the Reds are as big a concern as some of the other teams. The Reds are just not as consistent.

What other teams? The Reds are 3 games back of the Cardinals, and the next closest team is the Astros at 6 games back. What other teams Joe? He couldn't mean the Cubs, could he?
David (Chicago): Joe, How good do you think Josh Barfield can be? He has surpassed most expectations this year.

Joe Morgan: I haven't seen him play much. We've only done one Padre game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Emmy-award winning commentator Joe Morgan. Remember folks, one of his jobs is to know the answers to questions like these.

Dan (NYC): Hey Joe, Late last night Hideki Matsui was cleared for BP. If he is able to come back by October, how do you see him fitting into the Yankees lineup?

Joe Morgan: First and foremost a guy that sits out that long won't come back and make the same impact. He won't be the same Matsui that we saw last year at this time. We'll have to see what kind of production he can give them. You're not going to get much better with Matsui, you will with Sheffield. I say that because Sheffield can dominate a game and carry you for days at a time.

Uh, Joe? Sheffield has been on the DL since before Matsui. Wanna re-think that argument Big Guy? You just contradicted yourself WITHIN THE SAME FRIGGIN ANSWER!
mitch (mo val,ca): pedro or koufax in their primes?

Joe Morgan: That's a tough question, because you're looking at different eras. I'd probably go with Koufax, but it's a very tough decision, because I like to see them both pitch.

Is he doing this on purpose? He just contradicted himself again. He says it’s a tough question because we’re looking at different eras, but then he goes ahead and picks Koufax. Koufax pitched in one of the pitcher-friendliest eras of all time, while Pedro’s hitter-friendly era is on a scale that we’ll probably never see again. What the EF Joe?
Rickey (Oakland, CA): How good is this young Florida team? Are we looking at powerhouse for years to come?

Joe Morgan: I think they can be competitive for years to come. I don't know about a powerhouse. Young players today can go and play well, because there isn't any pressure on them.

A good point. There’s much more pressure on the veteran player with the guaranteed multi-year and multi-million dollar contract than there would be on the young player making the league minimum who can be sent to the minors at any time.
Dan (Philadelphia): Who's your NL MVP at the moment?

Joe Morgan: I would have to wait until who's in the playoffs. But at this point, I would go Howard, Beltran, Wright, Reyes, but Albert Pujols has to be in there some place too. But at this point, that's how I see it. If the Phillies get in the playoffs, I think Howard has a good chance of winning. If not, Beltran and Wright have a chance, with Reyes moving up quickly. That said, Pujols is the most valuable to his team.
Wow. If Dan from Philadelphia is anything like me, his head is spinning right now. I have a new theory on Joe though and it involves ADHD.
Mike (Milwaukee): Joe, As a hall of fame 2nd baseman I was wondering your thoughts on Rickie Weeks and his future in the League?

Joe Morgan: I haven't had much of a chance to check him out, but I have heard some good things. But I like to see a player myself before I say what he's going to do.

Joe, what teams DO you watch?
Justin FJM (Denville, NJ): Hi Joe - What do you think is the most important aspect of beinga leadoff hitter? Steals? On-base percentage?
Something else?

Joe Morgan: I think the most important thing is having a leadoff hitters mentality. By that, I mean is at the start of the game, taking some pitches so your teammates can see how the guy is throwing. You need that mentality. The second part is making things happen from that position. Then, it's getting on base.
I would say he’s just flat out wrong here. The correct answer is “getting on base first, speed second, baserunning ability third”. Maybe I’d flip-flop the last two, but those are the answers. Making things happen and having a certain mentality is a meaningless answer that doesn’t help anyone and provides no insight whatsoever.

Sorry for the length of the post today, but it’ had been a while since Joe had chatted and he had lots of material.

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Tying up some loose ends

I thought I'd update you on some previous entries in which I told you I'd keep you posted.

-Old Guy is still calling me "Mike".

-I still get a Sun-Times delivered to me every day.

-Joe Morgan has not had a chat in a while.

-Pluto, as far as I can tell, has not regained its planet status.

-Our Sears kitchen appliances arrived. Steve did a great job.

-"Entourage" concluded on Sunday with another stellar episode. Hard to believe the strong finish in Season 3 after the start that it had.

-"Snakes on a Plane" opened to subpar reviews and subpar attendance.

-Ozzie Guillen is still spewing nonsense almost daily.

-I went golfing again and did much better. Still shot a 112, but this was considerably better than last time. Now you can speculate on my previous score. I'll give you a hint - a decent club player could have shot my score after 36 holes.

-Today, we are exactly 1 month from my wedding day.

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Advice from the Silver Screen: Office Space

I thought maybe I'd start a new feature at 1 Happy St. Many periodicals and online magazines have advice columns. I thought it might be fun to take that concept in a new direction and find out what happens when people ask advice of a movie. For this first installment, we welcome our special guest advice columnist, the movie Office Space. Let's begin.

Dear Office Space,
People sometimes tell me that I dress too drab and boring. What can I do to spruce up my wardrobe?
Sign me,
Frumpy in Fargo

Dear Frumpy,
If you want to, you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

Dear Office Space,
Is it true that too much self-gratification can result in blindness?
Blurry in Biloxi

Dear Blurry,
Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Dear Office Space,
I'm about to start my first year of college. This is both an exciting and nervous time for me. What advice can you give to a member of the class of 2010?
Nervous in New Jersey

Dear Nervous,
The trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch.

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Friday, August 25, 2006

Jermaine Dye for MVP

Jermaine Dye has quietly put together an MVP caliber season this year for the Chicago White Sox. Dye is currently hitting .325 with 37 HRs and 99 RBIs, including 3 HRs and 6 RBIs in the last two games against the first place Detroit Tigers.

Visit our online store today to purchase a "DYE for MVP" t-shirt to support All Star right fielder, Jermaine Dye for AL MVP in 2006.

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Back to the good old days...

It's been reported that a school bus driver in Coushatta, LA has been separating the kids on her bus by race, white kids in the front, black kids in the back. No word yet on whether this was some sort of racism throwback day or just a regular day on the bus.

Coushatta authorities became suspicious when several of the parents of the segregated children complained that their kids came home singing "The Wheels on the Bus" song to the tune of "Let My People Go".

In other news, the Coushatta Mall's JC Penney is reporting that they've recently had a spike in sales of white sheets and 12 foot tall wooden crosses.

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Some people have WAY too much power

Earlier today, astronomers made it official that Pluto is no longer a planet. Since 1930, we have been told that Earth is the 3rd of 9 planets that revolve around the sun. Today, we are being told that all of that was a lie. Or at least a mistake. Now we are the 3rd of 8. Maybe tomorrow they'll discover another planet and tell us we're the 3rd of 9 again or even 10. Or maybe not even 3rd.

But should a group of scientists be allowed to wield this much power by eliminating planets? What next? Am I going to be told that the moon isn't really a moon? Better yet, should I believe them, or even care?

Personally, I do care, but not for a reason you'd think. I'm much more disappointed that the "MVEMJSNUP" episode of Saved by the Bell is now suddenly dated.

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Monday, August 21, 2006

I have a superior Wang

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game called “Fun with Wang”. Actually, it’s probably nobody's favorite game since I just made it up and it’s pretty juvenile, but maybe it’ll catch on with people who are as immature as I am. It’s easy to play. All you do is find newspaper articles about Yankees starting pitcher Chien-Ming Wang with sentences that make you giggle 8th-grade style. Consider the following:

- When Wang takes the mound at Fenway, he'll be deep enough in enemy territory to feel the moisture on his face.

See? It’s easy to play. And very juvenile. And very unnecessary. Which is why I like it. Why am I writing in sentence fragments like this? I don’t know. Okay, I’ll stop. Back to the game.

-Wang knows how precious his gifts are, particularly that stunning two-seamer that separates him from everyone else.

I’m not sure if that fit for the purposes of this game, but I used it anyway.

- Wang and Big Unit are starting to perform better as of late.

- There's not much about Wang that categorizes him as ordinary.

- Wang is as gentle as a monk in the clubhouse.

- Opposing teams would love to get their hands on Wang, but he’s here to stay.

- Wang has two trusty weapons; his sinker, and a zero-anxiety demeanor.

- Wang battles Colon today.

Okay, so that one was probably too juvenile even for me. Please accept my apologies.

I’ll end with this one. Hopefully it will get the bad taste out of your mouth. Er, I mean, hopefully you won’t find it as offensive.

- Wang has explosive stuff with great movement.

Okay, so this was probably the first AND LAST installment of “Fun with Wang”.

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1HappySt family's latest addition

Congratulations to Greg, Becky, Andy, and Josh on the newest addition to the family, Lil' Jackson Christopher. Or should I say, congratulations to Tim, Jill, Brad, and Randy, on the newest addition Mark?

I hope Lil' Jackson knows that the "suck at golf" gene is in his DNA. I also hope he doesn't mind that his uncle Brian is going to call him "Lil' Jackson".

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Recommendation for World Trade Center

Last weekend I saw “World Trade Center”, the new Oliver Stone movie. By my count, this is the 3rd mainstream Hollywood movie that centers around the events of September 11th, 2001, following “Fahrenheit 9/11” from 2004 and “United 93” from earlier this year. As a person who has seen all three, I feel I am qualified to tell you that this latest version has been my favorite.

I went into the movie with a certain expectation of what the movie was going to be about after having read some of the reviews. So I knew ahead of time that this was not going to be a movie that focused on conspiracy theories, politics, or religion (at least not entirely). I wasn’t subjected to anyone’s opinion about the Bush administration (like in Fahrenheit 9/11) and I wasn’t given a point of view of a terrorist as they’re about to hijack a plane (like in United 93). Instead, the story revolved around two specific NYC Port Authority cops that became trapped under the buildings after they collapsed, what they did to stay alive, and what their families went through during the time that they were missing. One of the interesting things I learned from World Trade Center was that even while trapped under the rubble, the cops were not aware that the building had collapsed on top of them; they just thought that the lobby that they were standing in had blown up.

Even though the underlying theme of the movie was about 9/11, the story didn’t really focus on any of the details of what we have come to know about that day. I left the theater thinking that the same screenplay could have been used for any story in which there was a tragedy, a group of heroes, and an eventual character triumph. I must say, the angle that Oliver Stone told his story from was quite refreshing.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

Boo, John Karr!

Boo, creepy suspected child murderer!

Hooray! Beer!

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

If sports figures actually spoke the truth

Oakland A’s owner Lewis Wolff has been nothing short of ecstatic over the recent performance of DH Frank Thomas, who was signed in the offseason. "It would be very sad if we didn't bring him back,” said Wolff. “He's been a great presence for us on and off the field." Told of Wolff’s comments, White Sox GM Kenny Williams laughed and said, “yeah, just wait until November when [Thomas] starts demanding A-Rod money.”

Chicago Cubs left-hander Rich Hill was forced into 2 innings of work in last night's 18-inning game against the Astros, even though he is scheduled to start today. "He'll still be ready to go [today]," said Dusty Baker. "I'll try to keep him under 100 pitches though."

The aftershocks of the brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills in November 2004 continue to be felt. Ron Artest, who helped ignite the fury by going into the stands to confront a fan, begins five days of community service today as part of his court-ordered punishment. "Does Boy George think he's better than me?" screamed Artest. (courtesy of Donald)

Free Agent power forward Lonny Baxter (formerly of the Charlotte Bobcats) was arrested late Tuesday after shots were seen fired from his moving vehicle. Said Baxter, "I am without a contract right now, so I was hoping to attract some attention from the TrailBlazers.” In response to Baxter, Blazers coach Nate McMillan said, “we appreciate the gesture by Lonny, but all he needed was a simple marijuana possession charge. This was a little over the top.”

Red Sox outfielder Wily Mo Pena made a crucial error in right field on Tuesday night, allowing the eventual game-winning run to score in their 3-2 loss to the Tigers. "I can't believe I have a job in this league," said Pena. "I play baseball like an uncoordinated uncle at a family picnic. All I'm missing is a beer in my non-glove hand."

Tiger Woods was asked what he thinks his chances are of winning the PGA Championship at Medina this weekend. "I don't like to make predictions," said Tiger. "But if I can stay focused on my game and not on Phil [Mickelson]'s man-boobs, I should be okay."

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Boy George = Izzy Mandelbaum?

With a city-issued broom in his hand, Boy George started his court-ordered community service early Monday, sweeping the streets for the Department of Sanitation and getting in a dust-up with the media. It took less than an hour for the former Culture Club front man to get into a spat with the media. ''You think you're better than me?'' he yelled. ''Go home. Let me do my community service.''

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Charlie the Unicorn

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Monday, August 14, 2006

There is no “I” in “teim”, unless you’re a bad speller

The following sports quotes and situations are from the previous week and took very little research to find. Something tells me this could be an interesting running theme for the future.

-With a record of 51-67, the Baltimore Orioles are the fifth-worst team in baseball. “We're in fourth place,” said Orioles 3rd baseman Melvin Mora. “We’re 19 games behind. What are we going to do to fix it? I don't know. That's not my job.”

-The Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez went 0-for-3 on Sunday, ending his hitting streak at 27 games. He may have been credited with a single on a groundout back to the pitcher, but jogged down the line and was safe when pitcher Todd Williams made a wild throw for an error. Said teammate Mike Lowell, “Manny asked me if I think [the official scorer] would have given him a hit on that if he would have ran hard, I said ‘I don’t know. You didn’t, so don’t worry about it.”

-The New York Giants are pondering the role of Chad Morton, currently a first-team returner for punts and kickoffs. His competition in camp is RW McQuarters, who feels that he is more versatile, and therefore, more valuable to the Giants. “[When] there’s one slot left, who do you go with?” McQuarters asked. “Do you go with the guy who can do more, that can do two or three jobs, or the guy that can do only one job?” Morton could not be reached for comment, but had he been reached, he probably would have said that McQuarters can go [bleep] himself.

-Washington Nationals manager Frank Robinson was not pleased with the pitch selection between his catcher Brian Schneider and pitcher Jon Rauch. Upon hearing of his manager's displeasure, Schneider responded, “there are 160 pitches a game and if he wants to say that about one pitch and one time during the game, he [is entitled to that opinion]. Maybe he should try putting on a uniform and play with these losers.”

Okay, I made that last part up, but you could tell that’s what he was really thinking.

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Friday, August 11, 2006

Alzheimers, the Amish, and edible embryos

How is it that the Amish have a website?

When is Chris Kattan's Mr. Peepers movie coming out? I'm getting my tickets early!

Do you ever think about how some things became food? For instance, who was the sick bastard that first cracked open a chicken egg, saw what was inside and said, "Let's eat it!"?

What's the point of a neck tie? It serves no purpose.

Say what you will about Flavor Flav, but I have to hand it to him for sticking with the clock.

I saw a billboard for What good is that billboard? The only people going to that website are the ones whose memory was good enough to remember the address.

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Name That Toon!

Meep meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.

Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep.
Meep meep meep meep meep, meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.

Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.

[That was Beaker singing the Growing Pains theme song]

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Urinal envy

I just had one of those moments in life where you wish you could go back in time and erase people's memories.

I walked into the men's room to take a tinkle. There's a stall and two urinals in there. The stall was occupied with some mystery feet and one urinal was occupied by a guy I work with, Dave. I took the remaining urinal between mystery feet and Dave and unzipped. That was when I noticed that this bathroom, like many others I've seen, had one urinal down lower for shorter people. This was surprising because this is at work where we don't get a lot of kid traffic at our urinals.

So I said, "Hey, mine's smaller than yours!"

The words were still hanging over my head in a bubble when I realized the grave implications of what I just said to Dave. That's right... I went into the bathroom, unzipped and said, "Hey, mine's smaller than yours!"

Immediately I went into damage control mode... "Ummm I mean the urinal is so low to the ground... hehe... When did we hire the Lollypop Guild?" Oh God, kill me now! Dave chuckled and got the hell out of there. I did the same because the last thing I wanted was to face Mystery Feet.

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Monday, August 07, 2006

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless you’re me, in which case you blog about it for everyone to read

- I went skydiving for the first time. Had to go tandem. If ever there is a good time to have a dude strapped to your back, it’s when you’re skydiving for the first time.

- Can you put a price on the feeling you get after gambling all night, losing everything, then making the slow walk back to your hotel in morning daylight? I can. It’s about $400.

- Speaking of the slow morning walk back to the hotel, I think it should be legal to punch anyone in the face who is seen jogging or biking on the strip at 8:00 in the morning.

- I saw Bill Walton at Tryst (nightclub at The Wynn). He was flying solo and stayed for a grand total of 94 seconds. That was just awful. He’s gotta get his head in the game.

- Casino Royale itself is a hole, but you can gamble all night for $4 a hand, beers are a dollar, and it’s next door to Denny’s. Can’t get much better than that.

- I heard that song by Gnarls Barkley 387 times, but I still love it.

- What should the penalty be for your friend at the nightclub who fills his entire glass with vodka when the whole group just plopped down $300 for the bottle?

- Las Vegas is the only place in the world where you can drive out to the desert, hop on a plane, jump out of it, and on the way back to your hotel, stop off at a store that lets you shoot semi-automatic machine guns for fun. At least I think it is.

- Why hasn’t In N Out burger made it out east yet? Same question for Del Taco. Better question: Do Sonic Burger's even exist? I see the commercial all the time, but I've never seen one. I think someone with way too much money to spend on fake advertising is having a good laugh over this.

- The Wynn has the greatest pool and the greatest rooms, but it's not a place you'd want to gamble at. Across the street, The New Frontier has crappy rooms and a crappy pool, but good gambling. Faced with these choices, take the nicer pool. You can always walk across the street to gamble, but you don't want to be swimming in a pool where that scene in "Cocoon" was filmed.

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Ponch & John & Pufnstuf

Brian and I apologize for our recent infrequent posting. We were both out of our respective towns for a while. Look for details of our trips in the days to come. In the meantime, let us make it up to you with this picture taken from what was obviously a very special episode of C.H.I.P.S.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Joe Morgan chat nonsense - Vol 4

kerry, katonah, ny: If anyone would know Joe, it's you. How good is Robinson Cano? Is he the long term second baseman for the Yankees

Joe Morgan: I think he's a very good player. Right now, he's a very good offensive player than defensive player……..defensive problems come from concentration lapses.

Aside from the fact that he only answered (and partially at that) one of the questions while completely ignoring the second one, would I be nitpicking if I pointed out Joe’s butchering of the English language? Right now, Joe is a bad typer than speaker.

And as for the last part, I’m sure there are people who just plain suck defensively who would disagree with Joe on that one. I know for me, back in little league, a lack of concentration wasn’t my problem. I just couldn’t catch or throw.

Miami,FL: why do you think that the nationals did not trade alfonso soriano? Also, why do you think that roger clemens didn't go to boston? do you think he might have something to the owner?

Joe Morgan: It surprises me that they didn't trade him. It tells me that they think that they can sign him for next year. But he's going to be a free agent. I think it was a mistake, personally, but if they can sign him, it wasn't a mistake.

Again, Joe picks part of the question and completely ignores the rest. Next week, I’m going to ask a two-parter (Joe, how old are you and why do you suck?) just so I can see him answer “62” and then move on.

Scott (DC): Joe, What more puzzling? Soriano not being dealt or Clemens/Oswalt/Lidge being rumored to be dealt?

Joe Morgan: I knew that Oswalt was in a deal. I hadn't heard anything about Clemens. It's surprising to me if the owner had said to trade one guy. He probably just wanted to improve the team.
To be fair to Joe here, this question was just plain dumb. But he still didn’t answer it.

Jeff (Sioux Falls SD): Which stadium is the most underratedd?

Joe Morgan: That depends what you're talking about. I would say Seattle.

Maybe my favorite dialogue of the whole chat this week. Hey Joe, what do you like better, steak or chicken? Neither, but I like steak better.

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Everybody slurs when they're drunk

Okay, so who hasn't said something offensive when they were drunk? I say we get over it and move on. But what I find particularly interesting about this whole thing is that most of the focus about Mel Gibson the last 2 days has been about his hateful remarks towards Jews, yet hardly a mention goes to the fact that he was driving drunk. So he can go out and put people's lives in danger, that's fine. But don't you dare use racial slurs (is this considered a racial slur? I keep hearing it called that, but isn't it more of a religious slur?).

I'll be honest, this won't affect me from seeing Mel's movies in the future. What can I say, he makes good movies. If I boycotted every movie that was made by someone in Hollywood that doesn't share my same religious and/or political views, I'd probably cut my list of watchable movies in half.

So personally, I'm not going to over-react to a drunken Mel Gibson mouthing off to a cop. Instead, I'll wait patiently for Lethal Weapon 5.

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