Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Two can play this game: more November bloglets (randoms)

I hate that moment at the end of a long flight when you have to put your seat back to normal. Sitting straight up and down like that always makes me wonder how I sat like that in the beginning.

What’s the difference between a fell swoop and just a regular swoop?

I can't wait for the Bears to put Griese in at quarterback so that he can suck badly for 2 games, then everyone can make their pleas for the return of Grossman.

What would be more newsworthy? Hearing that Snoop Dogg got arrested, or hearing that Snoop Dogg didn’t get arrested?

Was I the only person who was hoping that Scott Skiles would have a headband on while coaching the Bulls last night?

Things they don’t tell you before you get married: Having two families is nice, but it also means you have to eat twice as much during the holidays.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

November Bloglets

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. My wife was pissed.

I'm guessing Sneezy and Sleepy didn't get along very well. It's also probably a safe bet that Grumpy felt like clocking Happy on more than one occasion, too.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend because girls want a friend they can wrap around their finger.

Dogs are man's best friend because they want a friend they can lock in the bedroom when company comes over.

I think that no matter how long your car lease is, its twice as long as you want it to be.

Am I the only one who wishes for chaos in the BCS every year? A 5-way tie for #1 would be the sports equivalent to finding out that Al Sharpton prefers Aunt Jemima syrup over Mrs. Butterworth.

Buying a new calendar is a tough decision. You have to live with it for a whole year. It's November and I'm sick of the Family Guy. I'm hoping that next year's calendar, "Twelve months of Borat" stands the test of time better.

A period is a common misconception.

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Kid Rock and Pam Anderson split up

We're all doomed! It's true. Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock. I mean, if those two kids can't make it work, what chance to any of us have? I really thought theirs was true love. It's not often a woman finds someone that will marry her despite having a sex tape in wide circulation involving her and her disgusting ex-husband. And it's rare for a man to find someone who will agree to marry him knowing full well he is doing so simply for her physical attributes. If that kind of relationship can't last, I've given up all hope.

Are you a hipster doofus? Not that there's anything wrong with that

I don't know how you feel, but for me, it feels kind of weird when I watch Seinfeld reruns now.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving from 1 Happy St.

Here's wishing you and yours a blessed and happy Thanksgiving. We here at 1 Happy St. would like to take this time to thank you for your loyalty over the last 8 months. This blog has grown leaps and bounds since we began and we couldn't have done it without all of you. Well we suppose we could have, but what would have been the point? Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by and we hope we can continue to be a part of your day for many years to come. As a token of our gratitude, we give you the Thanksgiving Song, as performed by Adam Sandler back when SNL was good.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'm officially weirded out today

Has anyone else ever noticed the striking resemblance between Barry Manilow and Clay Aiken? It's uncanny!

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AMA post-thoughts

You ever want to feel really old? Watch a music awards show. I had no idea what was going on most of the time, I hadn't heard of half the acts, and of the one's I was familiar with, they had me completely confused. I guess there's a reason people like me aren't allowed on MTV anymore.

- There was a line in the beginning of Beyonce’s song that sounded like she said “If I farted, please don't touch”. I kept rewinding, and every time I heard the same thing. Even now I don’t know what the line really was, but if she really said "If I farted”, I am totally buying that CD. (Editor's note: the line is actually "If I bought it", but Brian maintains that is still sounds like "If I farted". Skip to the 41 second mark of this video to see for yourself)

- If there’s a difference between The Pussycat Dolls and a handful of strippers, could you please tell me what that is?

- The Pussycat Doll on the left tripped over her stripper stool during her stage performance. It was beautiful. It looked like they put that routine together an hour before the show.

- I like that song by Jay-Z. It's catchy and fun. The music industry without him was like the NBA without Jordan in the mid-90's. We're all better off with him around. Although according to Don, Jay-Z coming back is like Jordan returning to the NBA, but on the Wizards. He may have a point.

- Gwen Stefani’s performance made no sense to me whatsoever. I’d tell you more about it, but my eyes and ears were bleeding the whole time.

- Do you think John Mayer looks around some times and thinks to himself, "these are my peers?"

- The reason I could never be the producer of a show like this: I’d focus the camera on Snoop Dogg for the duration of Barry Manilow’s performance, and I’d focus the camera on Barry Manilow for the duration of Snoop Dogg’s performance.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Quickie to get you through the day

- Did blowing on the inside of the Nintendo cartridge actually make it work, or did that do nothing at all?

- It’s a good thing the Cubs traded away those two pitching prospects last offseason for one year of service from Juan Pierre. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to suffer through those ridiculous McDonald’s commercials all summer.

- Why am I never in Vegas at the same time Britney Spears decides she’s gonna go there and take off her pants at a club?

- Did you happen to catch Michael Richards on "Late Show with David Letterman" last night? I haven’t been that uncomfortable watching television since I saw "Monsters Ball".

- I watched "Comic Relief" on Friday night. Someone should tell Tom Arnold that Chris Farley and John Belushi died doing that.

- Someone should also tell Billy Crystal that getting multiple face-lifts won’t make him taller.

- I bought a pair of gym shoes at Meijer for $14 and they’re as comfortable as any pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I think Nike may be a scam.

Monday, November 20, 2006

OJ Simpson - innovator

Think of all the books that could be written using O.J.'s method of confessing:

- "If she was telling the truth", by the Duke Lacrosse team

- "If I had stolen all of that pension money", by Jeffrey Skilling, foreword by Bernie Ebbers

- "If I had groped her", by Arnold Schwarzenegger

- "If I gave driver's licenses to criminals", by George Ryan

- "If we knew the strap would break", by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake

- "If I planned the clubbing", by Tanya Harding

- "If that freezer was mine", by Bill Jefferson

- "If we used steroids", by Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, Bret Boone, Rafael Palmeiro, Gary Sheffield, Brady Anderson, Luis Gonzalez, and Roger Clemens

- "If I was gay", by Clay Aiken

Here's to hoping that O.J. inadvertantly started a new celebrity trend.

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OJ Simpson confession book canceled

News Corp. has announced that it will not release the much publicized book in which OJ Simpson describes in vivid detail how the murders of his ex-wife and friend would have happened if he was the murderer. Fox News was set to air a 2-part interview with the author-slash-slasher leading up to the book's scheduled release later this month.

The book, entitled If I Did It, made waves when the details were released to the media last week. Many saw it as a flagrant ratings grab while exploiting the families of the victims. Chairman of News Corp., Rupert Murdock, released a statement today stating, "We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson."

In place of the canceled television special, Fox News will air a reenactment of the unaired interview entitled "IF We Had Used Sweeps Week to Give Airtime to a Murderer".

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Tribune Co: Let them drink Shlitz

The Chicago Cubs on Sunday agreed to an 8-year, $136 million contract with free agent Alfonso Soriano. It’s a move that will surely (or hopefully for their fans) make the Cubs one of the teams to beat in the NL Central going into next season. In related news, Cubs season-ticket holders were informed via email that their 2007 season tickets have gone up by 50%.

I heard a radio interview with Cubs announcer Pat Hughes on Saturday morning where he said he doesn’t care how much these players make in free agency. His argument was that as long as the Cubs are a competitive team, it makes no difference to him how much each player makes because he’s not the one writing the check. A good point, right? You would have thought it was because everyone on the radio show agreed with him and four or five people called in saying Pat Hughes was a genius. The only problem: HE WAS WRONG!

We DO write the checks, albeit indirectly. To pay for salaries, Tribune Co. relies on revenue from food sales, merchandising, TV rights, and most importantly, ticket sales. As fans, we buy the tickets. We also buy the food and the beer and the T-shirts. So a team's payroll directly affects us because as the cost for players goes up, so too does the cost of a ticket and the cost of a hot dog and the cost of a beer. Granted, maybe they don’t for Pat Hughes since he gets a free cushy chair behind home plate for every game. But for the average fan like me, these player salaries are out of control.

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Say it ain't so, Cosmo

Seinfeld's Michael Richards was caught on tape pulling a Mel Gibson over the weekend. Appearing on stage at the Laugh Factory in L.A., apparently Richards was being heckled by a couple of men. Richards responded by repeatedly screaming a racial epithet.

His friend, Bob Sacamano, could not be reached for comment.

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Note to self: stay away from private planes

Okay, so I hate to make light of a tragedy, but isn't this eerily similar to the plot of "Final Destination"? Was Death after this poor guy?

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Thursday, November 16, 2006


Jack dies of hypothermia.
Jenny dies and so does Momma.
Jesus dies but then lives again.
Malcolm was dead all along.
Norman had his dead mother in his basement.
Private Ryan lives.
Dorothy makes it back to Kansas.
ET makes it home.
Marty makes it back to 1985.
Clarence gets his wings.
James Bond gets the girl.
Rod Tidwell gets the money.
Ray Kinsella plays catch with his dad.
Roy Hobbs plays catch with his son.
Indiana Jones finds the Ark.
And the Holy Grail.
The Von Trapp family escapes to Switzerland.
Andy escapes Shawshank.
The Planet of the Apes is just Earth many years later.
Seabiscuit wins.
So does Daniel LaRusso.
The Cleveland Indians suck at first but then they win in the end... twice.
Rockford loses to Racine in the World Series.
John Nash wins a Nobel Prize.
Charlie wins the chocolate factory.
Rocky wins. Then loses. Then wins. Then Apollo dies and Rocky goes to Russia and wins again. Then he becomes an arm wrestling truck driver. Or something like that.
Rudy gets to play.
So do the Bears.
Frodo destroys the ring.
They find Nemo.
They shoot Old Yeller.
Princess Fiona becomes an ogre.
The Beast becomes a human.
Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Verbal Kint is Keyser Söze.
Neo is the one.
Soylent Green is people!
Rhett leaves Scarlett.
Rosebud was a sled.

A quick baseball trade to report

The Chicago White Sox have acquired right-handed pitcher Awful Crap and left-hander Young Guy Who Will Never Amount To Crap from the Chicago Cubs in exchange for left-handed pitcher Formerly Good But Now Crap.

Awful Crap, 24, made 45 relief appearances over four stints with the Cubs in 2006, going 3-0 with a 4.08 ERA and 49 strikeouts.

Young Guy Who Will Never Amount To Crap, 23, split 2006 between Class A Daytona and Class AA West Tennessee, combining to go 6-5 with a 2.75 ERA and 91 strikeouts in 54 relief appearances.

Formerly Good But Now Crap, 26, went 1-2 with a 5.17 ERA and one save in 70 relief appearances with the White Sox in 2006. A native of Lebanon, Illinois, Formerly Good But Now Crap went 4-0 with a 1.94 ERA in 69 games in 2005 and earned the victory in Game 2 of the World Series. However, in 2006, he turned to crap.

The trade between the clubs is the first since July 29, 1998 when the White Sox acquired pitcher Finally Not Crap in exchange for pitcher Never Amounted To Crap.

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Rosebud: The Timewaster

Here. Try to get any work done today. I dare you.
Line Rider.

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Today's Whistler

In an attempt to ruin your day, I will now provide you with the lyrics to "Welcome Christmas" from The Grinch. Hopefully it will remain in your head all day just like it has for me.

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas,
Come this way!

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome Christmas,
Christmas Day!

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Eleven to two

If the rule is that you're too old for video games when your six year old can beat you, then it's official: I'm too old. Andy and I played baseball on the Nintendo GameCube last night. He beat me 11-2. Fair and square. 11-2.

It wasn't a fluke either. All I could manage was 6 hits. He was up 7-1 when he sacrifice bunted a runner over and then hit a two run homer. Seriously. Sacrificing with a 6 run lead? Total bush league play. He's grounded now.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

No, I'm not selling Amway

I fell asleep with the TV on last night and there was an infomercial on. I must have incorporated the infomercial into my dream because I remember being subconsciously excited about the prospects of becoming rich. Then I woke up disappointed because the infomercial’s idea really sucked.

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Monday, November 13, 2006

It looks like Random has a case of the Someone’s

- I don’t know anything about country music. But if What’s-her-name’s reaction at the CMA’s starts a feud between a couple of hot blondes, I’m all for it.

- You know you’re married when one of you utters the words "can you set the alarm for tomorrow, I want to get a jump start on raking those leaves."

- Another sign that you’re married: you find yourself walking the halls of Home Depot, but it’s 9am on a Sunday.

- Why do the folks that make cheese-in-a-can advertise that their product is "made with real cheese"? What else could it be made with? You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know.

- Now that Reese kicked Ryan to the curb, and Britney gave Fed-Ex his walking papers, I think the next celebrity breakup will be Patrick Dempsey and his wife. Nobody goes from Ronald Miller to Dr. McDreamy without a considerable upgrade in the spouse category. If Mrs. Dempsey were smart, she’d maintain permanent residence at his trailer.

- I can't wait for the Bears to lose next weekend so that they can be overrated again.

- I’ve been harsh on the E! Channel for its awful programming, but I finally stumbled onto something that they got right. Putting the Carter’s on television may be the best idea since HBO canceled Arliss. I don’t care that most of it looks staged. That family is still nuts.

- Does anyone know what extra virgin olive oil does? Every recipe calls for it, but would I be asking for trouble if I just used regular virgin olive oil?

- All of the other reindeer used to laugh at poor Rudolph and never let him play any of their games. All it took was Santa asking Rudolph to guide his sleigh, then all of the other reindeer quickly changed their minds and started to love him. Sounds kinda shady to me. If I was Rudolph, I would have told all the other reindeer to go piss off.

- Anyone who names their son "Damien" or their dog "Cujo" is just asking for trouble.

- I saw "Borat" on Friday night. If you’re looking to laugh hysterically for 90 minutes, you’re a guy, and nothing offends you, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. If you’re not looking to laugh hysterically, you’re a woman, or are offended easily, avoid this movie at all costs. Oh, and if you’re a drunken frat boy in an RV and you pick up a foreign hitchhiker, do yourself a favor and don’t speak.

Friday, November 10, 2006

'Round yon Virgin Megastore

Every year around this time, I’ll read or hear about someone complaining about the commercialization of Christmas. "Christmas should be about the birth of Christ," they’ll say. "It shouldn’t be about the amount of money you spend on presents."

In years past, I’d read or hear that and I’d agree. Too many people focus too much energy on the headaches of Christmas such as the buying of presents and the overall commercialization of the holiday, and not enough time focusing on what’s really important.

But you know what? I’ve come to a realization this year. I like the commercialization of Christmas. In fact, it’s my favorite part. Who doesn’t like getting presents? Forget about Jesus and all that nonsense. I want Seasons 1 and 2 of "The Office" on DVD.

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This is why we follow sports

-Former Major Leaguer Sammy Sosa has expressed his desire to play again in 2007, following a 1-year hiatus from baseball. "I want to play again so that I can reach my goal of 600 career home runs," said Sammy. Asked whether he also hopes he can help a team make it to the World Series, Sammy replied "oh yeah, that too."

-The Washington Post reports that Wizards forward Etan Thomas began arguing with teammate Brendan Haywood over comments that Haywood’s agent made. Thomas threw the first punch, and Haywood responded by slamming Thomas to the ground and tearing out two of his dreadlocks. Thomas then called Haywood a slut, and Haywood responded by calling Thomas fat.

-Free agent outfielder Carlos Lee has expressed his desire to sign with the Chicago Cubs in an effort to "stick it to his former team," the cross-town rival Chicago White Sox. When asked if he also wants to help the Cubs win the World Series, Lee said "oh yeah, that too."

-Turning back to Sosa, his agent Adam Katz has said the timeframe for Sosa to work himself back into playing shape is only 2-3 months, meaning he would be ready to go by the start of spring training. When informed that Major League Baseball still has a steroids testing policy, Katz replied "oh crap, that’s right."

-Lions WR Roy Williams said his quarterback Jon Kitna is the best quarterback in the league, but he gets overlooked because his team is currently 2-6. Asked whether it could also be because he throws a lot of interceptions, has a low completion percentage, and lacks mobility, Williams said "oh yeah, that too."

-Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder J.D. Drew opted out of the final 3 years of his contract which would have paid him a guaranteed $33 million, making him a free agent and allowing him to negotiate a new deal with any team. When asked why he would opt out of a deal that still had $33 million remaining on it, Drew’s agent Scott Boras spit out his coffee and said "wait, he had how much left?"

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

I don't have it now, but I promise to pay double next month

Hey, good news Folks! Our nation’s trade deficit improved by 6.8 % in September. According to figures, the deficit for September was $64.3 billion whereas it was $69 billion in August.

But does anybody know what the #### that means?!?!

What exactly is the deficit? Does this mean that every month, our nation falls further into debt by over $60 billion? If that’s true, then who the hell cares? We’re obviously not doing anything about it and it doesn’t seem to affect anybody, so really, who cares about the deficit? Do we owe that money back to somebody? Is a representative from CHASE calling every month and asking us for a payment?

If so, I say screw ‘em. Do what I do and stop answering the phone. We invented caller ID, right? Let's use it for what it was made for.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

fyi kfed im dvorcin u ttfn

It's being reported that Britney Spears let her husband, rapper wannabe Kevin Federline know that she was divorcing him by sending him a text message to his Blackberry. Brilliant. Does it get any better than that? Poor KFed. No seriously. POOR KFed. He'll be working at WalMart by spring.

Lost in this story is perhaps the silver lining that Kevin needs, seeing as how he's been cut off from the cash cow (no pun intended), that this confirms once and for all that Federline can read. Wasn't Britney taking a risk here by sending that? Are we sure he didn't call her up after that and say, "Yo, why there be all these letters up in my fizone?!"

I guess this is just another example of how detached from reality celebrities can get. Divorcing over text message? What's next? Firing your publicist in a blurb on Page 6? I really don't think that its good news for humanity that we now think its acceptable to tell our spouse that we're leaving them in the same way in which we vote for American Idol.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Tea sucks

I don't like tea. I've tried. It tastes like ass. I don't mean to say that I'm familiar with the taste of ass. What I should probably say is that tea tastes how I imagine ass to taste.

I'm sitting here drinking a cup of it right now and I have no idea why. I've never had a cup of tea that made me say, "Wow, that was a good cup of tea!"

I'd been drinking it the last couple weeks to help me get over my cold. It helped a little I guess. Plus it had the added benefit of allowing me to walk around the office with a coffee cup acting important. "Look at me with my World's Greatest Mom coffee cup. Do you get the irony? You know because I'm not a Mom? I'm so clever."

Then I found myself stuck in the middle of conversations like, "Oh, you like the honey lemon? I'm a big fan of the Earl Gray." I have to say, there's nothing like a five minute diatribe on why Earl Gray tea is the cat's pajamas to make you want to bash someone about the scull with a World's Greatest Mom coffee cup. I'm going back to the Diet Pepsi.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

This ain't the California Penal League Vaughn

The White Sox signed Luis Terrero, once a top prospect, to a one-year contract Friday. He has been released twice and suspended twice already, but the 26-year-old outfielder will be invited to spring training in 2007.

Once thought to be a five-tool player, Terrero never has shown that ability and has been a problem instead. He was suspended for 29 games in 2004 for throwing a ball into the stands and punching a fan in the face following an on-field brawl. He was also suspended for kissing home plate after hitting a home run and for throwing his helmet at his manager after a strikeout.

During spring of 2005, Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez told the Arizona Republic that Terrero had "all the skills in the world. He has made some mistakes with the suspensions and doing silly things like throwing balls into the stands and attacking fans, but I think he's learning how to listen."

Oh yeah, you GOTTA make that move.

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Borat... High Five!

You must go see Borat. Seriously. Stop reading this blog right now and go see the movie. Why are you still here? Shut down your browser, save your documents, feed your dog, and get in your SUV and go see Borat now.

I saw it Friday night and since then I haven't been able to think of a single movie that I would consider funnier than Borat. At an hour and twenty minutes, I would guess that there were at least 75 brilliantly crafted gags. That comes out to about a laugh a minute. In fact, when I think of it like that, I would say that were probably closer to a hundred. I never stopped laughing. I missed jokes because I was already laughing so hard. My ribs ached when I left the theater. The last movie to do that was There's Something About Mary and this movie is a hundred times funnier than all of the Farrelly brothers' movies combined.

Much has been made about how offensive the movie is. I really wasn't offended. To be offended is to misunderstand what Borat represents. While obviously a sexist, racist and rabid anti-Semite (to name a few), he isn't malicious. He's merely the product of an ignorant propagandized upbringing. Ironically, he uses sexism, racism and anti-Semitism to expose those same traits in the unwitting people he encounters.

Borat comes from the nation of "Khazakhstan". I put that in quotes because really the Khazakhstan he comes from is a fictional place which has made him into the backwards, ignorant, innocent doofus he is. For instance, while Borat talks often about his hatred of the Jews, we are treated to his village's festival "The Running of the Jew". The "Jews" portrayed in this "festival" are so offensive, depicting them as green beastly creatures with giant heads, that one can't help but wonder if anyone in that village has ever met a Jew. When Borat and his companion encounter a Jewish couple later in the movie, it is clear that he has not. The character (played by Sacha Baron Cohen, himself a Jew) is clearly intended to expose racism and anti-Semitism as being rooted in ignorance and propaganda.

You give the deeply flawed Borat a pass because you know that deep down, he's as a sweet, sensitive man who is risking everything he has to find true love with C.J. from Baywatch. In fact, when it becomes clear to him that the actress who played C.J. is nothing like her in real life, it nearly destroys him. But you already know all this because you went to see the movie four paragraphs ago.

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Saturday, November 04, 2006

Paid for by the citizens against Brian

-Brian says that kids should be allowed to carry guns to school.

-Brian says that the minimum drinking age should be lowered to 16.

-Brian says that prostitution should be legalized, particularly right outside of High Schools.

-Brian is too extreme (he’s too extreme).

I’m Brian and I disapprove of this message.

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Friday, November 03, 2006

I'll just fix myself a snack

After one month and four days of marriage, I can honestly say that Jill and I have had only one situation where we’ve had trouble adjusting to life as newlyweds. Jill asks the daily question "what should we do for dinner?" and I consistently respond by saying "I don’t care." But I don’t think the problem comes from my indifference to dinner. Rather I think it comes from her not believing how I could be indifferent to something so important. But that’s just the thing; I really don’t care.

You have to remember, I lived by myself for over 6 years. That’s 6 years of pizza, sandwiches, pizza, hot dogs, the occasional hamburger, and pizza. So the answer to the question "what do you want for dinner?" has always been "I don’t care, I’ll figure it out when I get home." Unfortunately, that doesn’t work anymore. Now I have to decide that morning or maybe even the night before so that preparations can be made. Hopefully with time, things will get better. One thing I can say for sure is that I’ve probably spent more time at the grocery store just this last month than I did previously for the whole year. This has to be a good sign for me, right?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I’m in charge of the salad tonight and we’re all out of cucumbers.

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From this week's issue of "Duh" magazine

I stayed home from work yesterday, so I was able to catch up on some Oprah. Not that this was something that I wanted to catch up on. But if you’ve ever stayed home from work, I think you’ll agree with me that unless there’s a good movie on (which there wasn’t), Oprah is the only thing you’ll find from 9 til 10.

Anyway, the topic of the day was dieting. She had Dr. Oz on the panel, who is the author of a new book called “YOU: On a Diet”. His plan is pretty simple: cut out foods with trans fat and walk at least 10,000 steps a day. He even had a lady on the show with him that had tried his new plan for 4 weeks and she lost 25 lbs, as well as went from a size 12 to a size 8. I’m not sure what that means, but the audience cheered. In fact, the audience cheered for just about everything this good Doctor said. But what was he really telling us?

The message from his book is essentially that we have to start eating right and exercising. Do we really need a doctor telling us this on Oprah? Doesn’t every person in the world know that the secret to losing weight is eating right and exercising? We know this Good Doctor! We’re not looking for the fool-proof and obvious plan. We’re looking for the quick fix and potentially dangerous plan like stomach stapling. Or maybe even something really off the wall like the all-chocolate diet. Is there a plan like that? Give me something I can use.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006


Did you ever notice that certain sides of particular arguments are always trying to inaccurately label historic figures in an attempt to expose hypocrisy?

First there was a movement to insist that Jesus was black. This was undoubtedly an effort to make all them southern racist Christians square their faith against the possibility that their Savior was one of the people they hate. This was obviously a preposterous theory since Jesus was from the Middle East. Jesus was no more a black man than Conan O'Brien.

Then we heard theories that Hitler was part Jewish, as if that made his annihilation of 6 million Jews any less of an atrocity. This strikes me as sort of like saying, "See? He's one of YOU GUYS! You brought it upon yourselves!"

Over the last 10 years or so, we've been hearing that Abraham Lincoln was gay. Clearly, the intention here is to devalue the patron saint of the Republican Party by portraying him as a homosexual, as if that's supposed to make Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity march through the streets of San Francisco with rainbow flags.

All this got me thinking about what theory we'll hear next. Here are my predictions:

  • George Washington was a compulsive liar.
  • Charlton Heston is a vegetarian.
  • William Shakespeare was dyslexic.
  • Orson Wells was bulimic.
  • Mr. Rogers beat his kids.
  • Hugh Beaumont was a polygamist.
  • Ronald Reagan's favorite color was red.
  • Burt Reynolds pees sitting down.
Update: Apparently William Shakespeare WAS dyslexic, which makes you wonder if he actually intended the title to be Romiet and Julio.

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Reason #498 that I'm getting old

I'm sitting in the waiting room of the eye doctor during my lunch break yesterday. There is a young couple sitting directly across from me. The guy has a blank stare on his face and is looking straight ahead, occasionally fumbling with the chain that is connecting the wallet in his pocket to his belt. The girl is infinitely more chipper and is talking with the older lady sitting next to her.

I eavesdrop to hear that they're newlyweds. The girl tells the old lady that they just got married two weeks ago. They haven't gone on a honeymoon yet, but they're planning on going to California shortly after Christmas.

The guy continues to stare straight ahead. At one point we make eye contact, but he quickly lowers his head and continues to stare in silence. I do the same because I don't want to get caught in an eavesdrop.

The lady at the front desk calls out a name.

"Heidi," she says.

The newlywed girl stands up.

"I just need to know your birthdate," says the lady at the desk.

"Oh," says Heidi. "It's 2/20/87."

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