Monday, July 31, 2006

Adventures in Customer Service - Vol. 5

This story was made possible because of Steve, an appliance salesman at Sears. My assumption is that Steve is a great guy; nice family, nice house, a young daughter in college. I would say that he's pretty much your typical 55 year old American man.

By now, you may be wondering how I know so many personal details about an appliance salesman. I mean it's not like it takes a great deal of time or energy to buy a friggin microwave. If you were wondering this, you have a good point. I shouldn't know much about an appliance salesman at Sears. In fact, other than his name (maybe), I probably shouldn't know ANYTHING about him.

-"I'll take that one."
-"Great, I'll ring it up."

That should have been the extent of our relationship.

But that was not the case on Saturday. Jill and I spent 3 hours (yes, 3 HOURS!) with Steve going over everything from what a microwave rack is used for to what his daughter is majoring in. I'd tell you the answers, but I think at that point, I may have been bleeding from my eyes and ears. Afterwards, as we stuck out our hands for the obligatory "thank you for your help" handshake, Steve wanted no part of that. He pulled us both in for an uncomfortable hug. No joke, you can ask Jill. We got a hug from our Sears appliance salesman. His eyes were even red like he was about to cry. Poor Steve.

At least he didn't call me Mike.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

If sports figures actually spoke the truth - Vol 2

“Yeah, I did it,” said Tour de France winner Floyd Landis. “I was in friggin 11th place at the time with 3 stages left.”

White Sox pitcher Jon Garland got into a heated argument with Ozzie Guillen in the dugout after Garland failed to retaliate for a White Sox batter getting hit by a pitch. “I knew Ozzie would be pissed,” said Garland. “I was actually hoping they’d send me to the minors like they did with [Sean] Tracey so I wouldn’t have to deal with this guy anymore. He scares me.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry let Dusty Baker know today that his job as manager was safe through at least the end of this season. “I stopped paying attention to this team 2 months ago,” said Hendry. “The last thing I wanna do now is have to find a new manager. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for my vaca……er I mean scouting trip to the Caribbean.”

“Why couldn’t they just fire me already?” wondered Cubs manager Dusty Baker. “What do I have to do, show up to the game with no pants? Hmmmm. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go take off my pants.”

The Tennessee Titans agreed to terms with 1st round draft pick Vince Young on Thursday to a 5-year deal that could total $58 million. “We’re sure glad he’s signed,” said Young’s agent Major Adams. “He’s a QB, and he throws like Uncle Rico. So we feel lucky to have been offered anything at all.”

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Harold Reynolds: No Rules? Not right!

It's been a couple of days since it was revealed that Harold Reynolds was fired from ESPN's Baseball Tonight and it appears as though it was because of the all too common tale of sexual harrassment. According to published reports, former MLB infielder, Reynolds is accused of making unwanted sexual advances on a production assistant at an Outback Steakhouse. In fairness, as far as we know, that could just mean that he suggested to the woman that they "split a bloomin' onion... if you know what I mean." Or it could mean much much worse. One doubts that the real story will ever come out.

While it should not come as a shock to anyone that a former professional athlete would use his fame to try to advance on a lady, Reynolds always came off as one of the more likable ESPN personalities, so it was surprising to hear his name attached to such a taudry story. In fact, as a kid, I had a "Harold Reynolds" model baseball glove. It's just sad to hear something like that.

All this being said, it's worth pointing out that Stuart Scott is still employed at ESPN. Leading one to deduce that while wandering hands will apparently not be tolerated in Bristol, wandering eyes are still ok.

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KidzBop, Steve Perry and the Costanza Defense

  • Has anyone ever studied the correlation between cases of depression in popular rock artists and those artists' songs being included in a Kidz Bop compilation CD? After hearing those kids singing "Bad Day", Daniel Powter should be on suicide watch.
  • Does it strike anyone else as unfair that George Costanza would lose his job for having sex in the office, yet Andrea Yates is found innocent for killing her kids seeing as how they both used the same excuse? "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta tell ya, I have to plead ignorance on this one, cause if someone told me that that sort of behavior was frowned upon..."
  • So it turns out that the guy who just won the Tour de France, Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. After the last 8 years of speculation about Lance Armstrong and doping, how could he think he wouldn't get caught? Maybe he can try the aforementioned George Costanza defense.
  • Do you find yourself wishing that other aspects of your life had a Tivo too? I'll notice that I'm daydreaming in a meeting or zoning out when the waitress is listing the salad dressings and then think, "Oh crap, I missed that, rewind!" Damn you, Tivo!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Listen Anthony, I got your head in a [lousy] vice

Funny article in the Chicago Sun-Times today about the White Sox. Pay attention to the writer's use of newspaper-friendly words in brackets to account for Ozzie's curse words. It's like watching "Casino" on TBS.

One day I hope to see something like this:

"Man, this guy is a piece of [garbage]. This mother [lousy] is a [gosh-darn] joke. He should stay out of my [lousy] business or I'll [hurt] this [lousy] [gosh-darn] [garbage]."

"You may hate me but it ain't no lie..."

Apparently Lance Bass, formerly of the boy band *NSync, has announced that he's gay. Did he really have to announce it? Weren't we all just sort of assuming it anyway? That's like Rosie O'Donnell announcing she has given up on Spandex. We're not surprised and frankly we're all a little glad.

Actually, I can say I was a little surprised. I always just thought he was BI BI BI.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Joe Morgan chat nonsense - Vol 3

And thus continues my investigation into the baseball analyst enigma that is Joe Morgan. For my previous installments, click here and here. Here are some exerpts from today's fascinating online chat.

Jeff (Texas): Would Prior or Woods benefit from a shift to the bullpen? It should be less stress on their arms only throwing 70 innings a year.
Joe Morgan: They tried to do that with Wood and they sent him to the bullpen. It's very difficult to throw every day with him. It sounds like a good idea for him, to be honest with you. Just use him for a while, and then go back to starting.

I’ll help translate Joe-speak here. “Wood can’t throw every day, but it’s a good idea for him to throw every day, but I would make him a starter after a while.” Thank you Joe for clearing that up. Wait, what was the question again?

Bobby (VA Beach,VA): Who do you think will be this years NL MVP?
Joe Morgan: That's tough. We're not there yet. Pujols has led his team. The Mets have the best record, so you have to look at their best players. We're not there yet where you can name the MVP yet.

Bobby was just looking for a simple prediction here Joe. He knows the season isn’t over yet. We all know the season isn’t over yet. “I think Albert Pujols will be the MVP” would have been an acceptable answer.

Dave (Blacksburg, VA): This year notwithstanding, what is it going to take to get the Indians back in contention?
Joe Morgan: …….. I think Cleveland faces a difficult path to get back to the top. They have some good players, but they haven't played well together to get in the race.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Emmy award-winning commentator Joe Morgan. What do the Indians need? They need to play better.

Travis (Indy): Who is your pick to win the wild card in the American League? Do the Twins have what is necessary? I would fear them in a short series.
Joe Morgan: They have a shot, because they have Liriano and Santana. I don't think they will, because they played so well for so long and eventually that will catch up with you.

Good thinking Joe. If Ron Gardenhire was smart, he’d ask his players to start laying down now so that they’ll have something left in late August and September. Percentage-wise, it makes the most sense.

NOTE: The 2nd half of Joe's chat was actually okay. I didn't agree with his opinions in each case, but he at least answered the questions directly. Unfortunately, he still didn't answer my question about why he sucks.

When you're feeling dreary...

Looking for something to cheer you up on a long summer day in the office? The solution is just two words: Jazz hands! Go ahead, do it now at your desk. I'll wait....

Ok, did you do it? Didn't it make you feel better? You can't be sad while doing jazz hands. It's like sneezing and peeing at the same time. Can't be done.

Even my girl, Reese can't resist the power of the jazz hands.

Looks like someone's got a case of the TV Randoms

-Which is worse: knowing the answers to most of the questions in VH1’s “World Series of Pop Culture”, or getting mad at yourself when you don’t know the answer?

-By the way, the two contestants who failed miserably on the SNL category should be ashamed of themselves. How can you be a contestant on a pop culture trivia show and not know SNL?

-After watching one of the lost episodes of “Chappelle’s Show”, I can see why he took off to Africa for a couple months.

-Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) had the worst bachelor party of all time.

-Does anyone else get upset when Nick at Nite plays “Fresh Prince” reruns instead of “Roseanne” at 9:30 and 10? Better question: why the daily changes?

-With E getting more playing time on “Entourage” this season, do you think the producers of the show wish they had taken the original casting more seriously after their concept was green-lit?

Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm not gonna pass the ball to Malady

When an athlete is perceived to be difficult to get along with, they always call him a clubhouse or locker room cancer (Jeff Kent and Terrell Owens come to mind). But isn’t that a little bit harsh? Is he slowly killing people in record numbers with no known cure? Does his mere presence require radiation treatments or chemo? Does he damage DNA or cause cell division? All highly doubtful. Okay, maybe Sammy Sosa did all those things, but he was just one guy in an otherwise long list of difficult athletes that never caused the death of any of his teammates. That’s why I think we need to modify our metaphor a bit for athletes who are difficult to get along with.

From now on, I think we should call them “clubhouse maladies”.

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I'm beginning to suspect some things

Email conversation with my friend John last week:

John: "Hey Man, you going to the Sox game with everybody on Saturday?"

Brian: "No."

John: "Why not?"

Brian: "This is the first I’ve heard of it."

John: "Oh, sorry."

Verbal conversation with my co-worker Luis earlier today:

Luis: "Dude, why didn’t you come paint-balling on Saturday?"

Brian: "I didn’t know about it. Who all went?"

Luis: "Everybody."

Brian: "Hmmm. Yeah, I didn’t know about it."

Luis: "Oh, sorry."

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Lebanon and on and on and on

Have you been following the news? Apparently there's some stuff going on in the Middle East. This came as a shock to me because they've always gotten along so well over there. I haven't really been following it that closely but apparently the Israelis are upset with the lesbians? ...or something like that. I was only half-paying attention. They should know better than to interrupt So You Think You Can Dance.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice went over there to try to smoothe things over. If you ask me, she's got her work cut out for her. Trying to bring peace to the Middle East is sort of like being Jeanne Zelasko's plastic surgeon. Sure, there's a lot of room for improvement, but more than likely it's still going to be a big mess when you're done.

Friday, July 21, 2006

If sports figures actually spoke the truth

-Cubs manager Dusty Baker said Derek Lee's still-healing right wrist may not be fully healed until the 2007 season. “I’m going to continue playing him this year though, even if it means possibly ruining his wrist even more because I’m probably getting fired soon anyway,” said Baker.

-Former Major Leaguer Jose Canseco retired only one batter Tuesday night while giving up four runs in the first All-Star game in the Independent Golden Baseball League. “I'm going to take these guys out and get them drunk," he said, motioning toward his teammates in the locker room. "I'm going to buy about 400 gallons of beer. Then when they are passed out, I'm going to secretly inject them with steroids and write about it in my next book.” (courtesy of Don)

-Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez committed a personal worst 3 errors in one game earlier this week. Asked to comment, general manager Brian Cashman said, “The worst move I ever made was trading Alfonso Soriano for this pansy. And you’re talking to the same guy who gave max deals to Kevin Brown and Carl Pavano. I wonder if we can collect insurance if someone Gillooly's his knees.”

-Barry Bonds escaped indictment for perjury Thursday, and his lawyer thinks that a lack of evidence is the only reason that could have happened. “That can’t be," said Bonds. "If that really is the case, I’m baffled. I mean really, have you seen my head?”

-The Cleveland Indians traded veteran closer Bob Wickman to the Braves on Thursday, getting minor league catcher Max Ramirez in return. Said Indians GM Mark Shapiro, “Yeah, we were surprised to get anything in return for Bob, so getting Ramirez was a bonus. To be honest, we were going to cut that fat bastard if we couldn’t find a team willing to trade for him.”

-The Blue Jays designated 3rd baseman Shea Hillenbrand for assignment after he wrote “the ship is sinking” on a clubhouse bulletin board. “We are a better team without him,” said Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi. “I would rather lose than sell myself out to have someone play here that says those type of things about the organization.” (wait, he actually DID say that. Never mind.)

Rivalries that had more meaning when I was a kid

Trapper Keeper vs. Keepin' Tabs
Kool Aid vs. Wyler's
Girbaud vs. Z. Cavaricci
Joe Simarrano vs. Brian Hohe
Kent vs. Huffy
Lindop vs. Hauser
ColecoVision vs. Atari
Sunny D vs. Purple Stuff
JanSport vs. Eastpak
Apple vs. Adam
Christine vs. Alasdair
Ferrari vs. Porsche
Zaxxon vs. Galaxian
Pro-Wings vs. XJ-900
Classic Concentration vs. Price is Right
Frosted Flakes vs. Raisin Bran
Topps vs. Fleer
Quayle vs. Bentsen
The Obstacle Course vs. Bozo Buckets
U.S. vs. Iraq (wait, never mind)
Wrangler vs. Rustler
Nintendo vs. Sega
Willie vs. Matthew

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I Drive a Dodge Stratus - Vol 2

Actor Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized early Thursday after he lost control of his car while heading to his home in Los Angeles. Osment, who was nominated for an Academy Award for his role as a boy who could see dead people in "The Sixth Sense," was driving a 1995 Saturn at about 1 a.m. when his car collided with a brick pillar and flipped, said Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Greg Sisneros.

Okay, so I hope he's alright. But a 1995 Saturn? What, was his Neon in the shop?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

From Ezekiel 25:17

What happened to Samuel L. Jackson? Last year he decided to ride the wave that is Eugene Levy and co-star in "The Man". Later this summer, he will have the lead in something called "Snakes on a Plane".

Quick sidenote. This is a real dialogue between two of my co-workers:

Joe: "Is there really a movie coming out called “Snakes on a Plane"?
Jerry: "Snakes on a Plane, what’s that about?"

Okay, back to my rant.

After Pulp Fiction, I would have thought that there wasn’t a movie project or character that existed that could make Sam Jackson seem un-cool. But it’s been 12 years now and with every new project, I begin to wonder how Jules ever happened in the first place. Maybe we can start pleading with Quentin Tarantino to write "Pulp Fiction 2: Jules Walks the Earth".

Shut up, Cartman

I think my grocery store may have a contract with a workers union that only hires the handicapped. Every time I try to put my cart into the cart-return, some slobbering kid with “Hello, my name is Philip” written on his nametag will try to talk to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equal opportunity employment. But sometimes I just want to put my cart away, get in my car, and leave.

Oh, and while we're at it, is there a way to ban the Boy Scouts from selling popcorn outside the door? It would be one thing if they would have continued using the $1 bars of World's Finest Chocolate. But now they're hitting us up for the $10 box of popcorn (that we'll never eat). Oh, and I'll be damned if I ever look through their catalog-o-crap at Christmas again.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Joe Morgan chat nonsense - Vol 2

Every Tuesday, Emmy award-winning commentator Joe Morgan of ESPN has a live question and answer chat with his fans. For your enjoyment, I have included a few highlights of today's session.

Shawn C. (Terre Haute, IN): Hey Joe great work! My question is, do you think more blame should be put on Jim Hendry rather Dusty Baker in Chicago? After all he's the one who didn't reinforce this team in the offseason! i.e. starting pitching and bench help
Joe Morgan: It sounds like you're a smart guy. This is what I say about the Cubs' situation: It's everybody's help. Hendry should have known more than to rely on Wood and Prior. But then Dusty should have pushed more to get more pitching.
First of all Joe, I can only assume that Shawn was being sarcastic when he said "great work". Second, it's everybody's help? What does that mean? Third, I don't think you're qualified to comment on someone else's smarts.

Sandro (miami via boston): Morning Joe! In light of last nights early exit by Tim Wakefield, is is finally time for Theo to turn up the trade talks and stop relying on old/injured veterans and young prospects?
Joe Morgan: I believe that they've been trying to get pitching. But remember, there are 26 teams looking for pitching. And there are only certain teams that have pitching. No one has extra starting pitching. It's not that easy to go out and sign guys.
NOTE: This answer from Joe comes 2 questions after he implied that it's Hendry's fault for not reinforcing the Cubs starting pitching.

Rob (Alpharetta, GA): Hi Joe. What miracle, if any, do you expect John Schuerholz to pull off this year? Is there a move out there to be made like last year's Kyle Farnsworth deal? And I feel a Met's collapse coming on...
Joe Morgan: Again, there are so many people looking for what he's looking for. He doesn't have a close. I don't know if he's going to pull it off because of that in that way.

I didn't edit that. That was his answer. He makes this too easy on me.
victor alexandria,la: joe what is this sunday,s game like?
Joe Morgan: Atlanta at Philadelphia.

This quick dialogue between Victor from Louisiana and Joe could be an indication that some of Joe's readers are just as dumb as he is. Let's assume that Joe gets upwards of 5000 questions during one of these live chats and answers maybe 15 of them (I don't know this to be accurate, but these figures seem reasonable). Victor decides that he's going to use this chat as an opportunity to ask a question in which he could easily look up the answer on his own using probably 100 different forums. Joe of course recognizes this to be a question worthy of everyone's time. Meanwhile, 4985 other questions are ignored, including mine in which I ask Joe why he sucks (a question that in my opinion, is infinitely more important than which teams will be playing next Sunday night). Stay tuned for next week when Joe responds to someone asking him what time it is.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Tao of Pacman

I have come to the realization that Pacman is life. I wake every day, and begin the race around this maze of a world. I consume as much as I can and when I'm done consuming, I start over and consume some more. Yet I don't feel as if I'm the one in control. Sometimes it's as if someone has taken over my every move.

We all have our own demons chasing us, danger lurking around every corner. Lately I've been having trouble finding either the courage or strength to face these ghosts head on. Sometimes I just want to forget about everything and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

All this being said, I'm still finding life to be too unpredictable. Sometimes I feel as if walking through one door will take me right back to where I started.

If I could be like Mike

Last week, I got home from work and my next door neighbor was sitting outside in his front yard talking with someone. This is the older guy who lives south of me, not the guy north of me whose kid borrowed my mower a few months back. Ok, so anyway, I pulled into my driveway where I saw Old Guy sitting outside in his front yard socializing with someone that I didn't recognize. When I got out of the car, he motioned me to come on over.

Here's the part of the story where I should mention that he thinks my name is Mike. Why, you ask? He just has always called me that. I corrected him a couple times in the very beginning, but he would always just look at me like I was crazy and continue to call me Mike. It eventually got to the point where I couldn't correct him anymore. Now, 6 years later, we're DEFINITELY at the point where I can no longer correct him.

"Hey Mike, how you doin?", he asked.

"Pretty good," I said, trying not to laugh.

(Oh yeah, I should probably also mention that it still cracks me up every time he calls me Mike. Old Guy must think I'm partially insane for breaking out into unprovoked laughter from time to time)

"I'd like you to meet Frank," said Old Guy. "He lives across the street."

"Nice to meet you," I said.

"You too Mike," said Frank. "I've seen you around, it's nice to finally put a name to the face."

Oh no. [Brian spits out beer in laughter, Frank and Old Guy look on confused]

"So, you live by yourself?" asked Frank. "I've seen a girl around here sometimes."

"That's Jill," I said. "We're getting married in September, but she doesn't live here yet."

"Oh, you're getting married? Congratulations. There will be Little Mike's running around here before you know it."

[Brian has heart attack from laughter. Frank and Old Guy even more confused]

I'll keep you all posted on how this turns out.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Kazoo or Hash Pipe?

From the folks that brought you the popular game, "Birdfeeder or Bong", we now present you with a new game that you will be sure to run off to play with your friends.

It's now time to play "Kazoo or Hash Pipe?".

As you scroll down, you will see several pictures. You will then guess if the image shown is a picture of a popular musical instrument used by children of all ages or a piece of drug paraphernelia. Let's begin...

Image 1

If you guessed that this was a kazoo, you are correct. Let's try another one.

Image 2

Ok that one was a little harder, but if you guessed that this was also a kazoo, you were right again. Ready for another try?

Image 3

They're getting harder as they go, aren't they? Did you guess this was a hash pipe? How did you know that? Who else did you tell about it? Did they follow you? I smell popcorn. Let's move on to the last one...

Image 4

Ok, to tell you the truth, I have no idea what that is. But either way, I wouldn't eat that woman's brownies!

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Joe Buck's All Star Diary

Here's an exerpt from Joe Buck's Diary from yesterday, July 11th, 2006...

6:30 am - My alarm clock goes off awaking me to the relaxing sounds of Yanni. I got out of bed and opened the curtains to a gorgeous view of Pittsburgh. Our room looks right out over the Allegheny River. I heated up some water in the hotel room microwave and brewed an herbal tea. It was about this time that Tim woke up and yelled, "How can you listen to that crap?!" and hit the snooze button and covered his head with his pillow. Just give it a chance, Tim!

7:15 am - After reading the complimentary USA Today left outside our hotel room and eating a bran muffin from the continental breakfast, I began my morning Yoga routine.

7:25 am - Tim got out of bed, turned off my "Sounds of Nature" CD and said, "Someone ought to shoot that ****ing bullfrog!" Then Tim went back to bed.

8:06 am - I put on my running clothes and go out for a jog. I left the room but waited by the door to see if Tim made any noise after I left and sure enough... He turned on the TV. Sounded like he was watching Fairly Odd Parents. He loves that show. If there's one thing Tim McCarver loves, its little fairies.

8:38 am - I love the shuffle function on my iPod. When else would you ever hear "Lose Yourself" by Eminem followed by "Meet Me in St. Louis" by Judy Garland?

9:25 am - I just got back to the hotel. Tim's in the shower. It looks like he ordered up some breakfast. Looked like bacon and eggs. I keep warning him that if he keeps eating like that, I'll be doing play-by-play at the World Series with Lou Piniella... and nobody wants that.

9:53 am - Tim's FINALLY out of the shower. Time for some sight-seeing around Pittsburgh. I'm trying to talk Tim into taking me to the Andy Warhol Museum.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thoughts while watching the 2006 Home Run Derby

Is anyone a bigger fan of Chris Berman than Chris Berman? (And I mean "bigger" in both the literal and figurative senses.)

Holy crap are those mustard yellow All Star warm-up jerseys hideous. Did Chris Berman design them?

Either David Ortiz brought his posse with him last night or he has a 24 year old kid. How did he get past security? Oh that was Mark Loretta? Interesting...

Do you get the idea that Karl Ravich cries himself to sleep every night? Me too.

I liked the stunned silence by the panel when Jonathan Pappelbon admitted that he bet $100,000 on Ortiz to win... and he was serious. I think I heard Harold Reynolds whisper to someone off camera, "shouldn't we.... um... go to commercial?"

Ryan Howard won the Derby by knocking off someone I'd never heard of in the final round. After Bobby Abreu won last year and then has stunk since, I'm sure the Phillies hitting coach is thrilled. By they way, I think whenever Ryan Howard's name is mentioned, it should be immediately followed by "...who is black" because I can't seem to remember that for some reason.

Then it was on to the 2006 Legends/Celebrity Softball Game. Two words: bloody masterpiece. They should just send that tape directly to the Broadcasting Hall of Fame. The game of course featured Dean Cain, who you might remember from such television programs as the 2005, 2004, 2003 and 2002 Legends/Celebrity Softball games. I feel bad for Dean Cain actually. He was frigging Superman! What does he need to do to be famous again, fall off a horse?

I was disappointed that Rick Sutcliffe decided to do the commentary on the game sober. If ever there was a time to be loaded on the air, this was it.

Who could possibly turn away from the awkward moments between Jimmy Kimmel and his girlfriend and comedienne, Sara Silverman. Kimmel has the same look in his eye that Scott Peterson had a few days before Laci went missing.

The All Star Game is tonight on Fox... Brought to you in part by {insert name of new Fox fall show that won't last 3 weeks}.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Looks like somebody's got a case of the Random's

-When did VH1 turn into the E! channel?

-“Entourage” is one of my favorite shows, yet it still manages to disappoint me every week. I am thankful that they didn’t go too far with the “Dom” character though.

-I wonder if Mark Buehrle wishes that Ozzie Guillen would have selected Liriano for the All-Star team instead of him. Now he gets two whole days of reporters dissecting his 9-5 record and mediocre ERA.

-Speaking of baseball, do you think the Mariners signed Carl Everett because there are some White Sox minor leaguers that they’re interested in, but they didn’t know how else to get them?
-The button on the cuff of my favorite shirt fell off. I’m not the type that can roll my sleeves Miami Vice-style, so I guess I’ll have to throw it away. Otherwise a perfectly good shirt, it’s strange that something so small could ruin it.

-Do you think Tommy John is upset that his legacy in baseball is for radical arm surgery? The man won 288 friggin games! And yes, I had to look that up. But wow! 288 games! To put that in perspective, coming into this season, Pedro had won 197.

-Was that whole “shirt button” thing covered in a Seinfeld episode once? It sounds familiar. Can something be plagiarism if you didn’t know you copied the idea?

-As a White Sox fan, I couldn’t be happier that there isn’t a White Sox version of “Fever Pitch”. Watching Drew Barrymore run circles around Aaron Rowand to avoid US Cellular Field security in centerfield during a playoff game would have been enough for me to kill myself.

-To be fair, I actually liked most of that movie. But how could the producers think the last 20 minutes were a good idea?

-For my health's sake, I'm lucky that I only recently discovered Dairy Queen's Heath Bar blizzard.

-I just went pee for the first time in like a full day. I was expecting full flowage for a good couple minutes. But it turned out to be just normal.

-What does the inside of a water tower look like? Is it filled with water like a tall pool? Am I a moron for not knowing this?

Monday, July 03, 2006

If Ozzie Guillen had his way

The starting lineup for your 2006 American League All-Stars:

1. Derek Jeter - SS
2. Tadahito Iguchi - 2B
3. Paul Konerko - 1B
4. Manny Ramirez - LF
5. Jermaine Dye - RF
6. Joe Crede - 3B
7. AJ Pierzynski - C
8. Grady Sizemore - CF ("Dis kid iz gud")
9. Jose Contreras - P

"My only regret is no Thome. Dis kid do it for me all year and he deserve to be on this team."

Million to one shot, Doc! Million to one!

Posted without comment.

MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus.

On Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object. More...


What's the difference between flatware and silverware? And why would they call it FLATware? Spoons and forks are not flat. They wouldn't really work if they were.

Apparently, it now costs 1.2 cents to manufacture a penny. Shouldn't this be about the time that the universe colapses on itself?

Why do only Christmas and New Years get eve's? Screw that. Today is 4th of July Eve.

I got sucked into the final episode of Super Group last night. The most revealing scene was when Gilmore Girls regular, er... i mean Skid Row frontmant, Sebastian Bach, meets his fan (seriously, how many others could there be?) outside the concert venue. He appeared to be ashamed for her. Even he couldn't understand why she was so infatuated with him. Join the club, Sebastian.

What's more sad, that I'm 29 and I have a Myspace profile, or that one of my friends is my mom?

Is the World Cup over yet? Seriously, is it?

Which makes me think, if I'm David Beckham, why do I marry the ugly Spice Girl? Or maybe an even better question is, why do I settle for ONLY ONE of them?!

I got my son a Slip 'n Slide for his birthday. I couldn't help but think back to our old Slip 'n Slide when we were kids. Some kid from down the street ripped it when he went down it wearing jeans. JEANS! Damn you, Roy!