Sunday, December 14, 2008

Looking forward to Teen Witch 2

I sat and watched "Teen Witch" with Jill earlier tonight.

I could pretty much type whatever I want here and it won't matter, will it? There's really no recovery from typing the words "I watched Teen Witch" and publishing it on line for anyone to see. But I'm confident in my whatever it is I need to be confident in, so laugh all you want. Fact is, I took one for the team. I think Teen Witch is one of those movies that girls watch when they're in grade school or junior high and then remember it fondly later in life even though it sucked balls.

Now that isn't to say that it sucked balls in the way that you suck balls. Er, scratch that. No, not my balls. Scratch what you just read. What I meant to say is that it didn't suck balls in the way that Chris Klein movies suck balls; no it sucked balls in the way lower budget late-80's teen comedies suck balls. Bad acting, weird clothes, mullets aplenty, choreographed dance routines, gay younger brothers, popular quarterbacks dating popular cheerleaders, etc. etc. etc.

It starred Blake Lively's older sister, that guy who played Travis from Son in Law, one of the Darren's from Bewitched, and a late 80's Mustang 5.0 convertible. Yeah I think the Mustang got 4th billing in the credits.

Playing the role of Travis from Son in Law's car - 1989 Mustang 5.0 convertible. The director of this spectacular piece of crap had to have been in love with that car. Half the shots came from inside the car looking out, outside the car looking in, and a few from the point of view of the car itself.

I can't even tell you how it ended. It's like the people making it had 90 minutes to tell their story and they simply ran out of time. Nothing really got solved. You know how in every teen movie where the ugly duckling becomes popular, but it's at the expense of their current batch of ugly duckling friends, but then they all make up in the end after the lead learns a life lesson that they shouldn't treat their best friends poorly? Hmm, you don't know? Okay, think "Can't Buy Me Love". Ronald Miller ditches his poker friends for the popular kids, then shits on Kenneth's house. You shit on my house, Man. You shit on my house. Now do you also remember how Ronald stood up for Kenneth at the end when Rico Suave started messing with him in the outdoor cafeteria? Right, because that's what you do when you shit on your best friend's house: you stand up to Rico Suave. Okay so anyway, in this movie, Teen Witch becomes popular and starts treating her best friend poorly. At the end though (yes it takes place at a dance), they never end up making up. That whole story arc goes unfinished. Whatever happened to the best friend? Did they continue hanging out? Also, did Teen Witch continue with her witchcraft? I think she learned her lesson that she shouldn't abuse its powers, but was she still going to use it? Did she have her powers harnessed like Michael J. Fox was able to harnass his wolf? We don't know; the director ran out of time I guess.

This movie really needed a sequel.

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