1 Happy St

I never understood why workout instructors or gym teachers or meatheads will say things like "no pain, no gain". First of all, who the hell wants to be in pain? In my opinion, no pain, no pain!! I could choose to exercise today, but afterwards my body would hurt. Isn’t that more drama than I need? I’d much rather sit here and do nothing and allow my body to feel no pain whatsoever. Of course the alternative is to actually get up off my ass and do something, which leads me to my second of all; the phrase itself is wrong. "No pain" implies that I’m not working out, so it would stand to reason that I’m going to gain a few pounds, right? Especially around Thanksgiving. So in this case, "no pain, plenty of gain".

I should totally put that on a t-shirt.

If it turned out that the guy whose job it was to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic survived, we'd all feel pretty stupid right now.

I'm trying to cease and desist using redundant phrases.

I have no use for people that use acronyms. Try it with me and you're SOL.

Someone said to me, "the long and the short of it is..." Well, which is it? I don't get it.

Ever since Elmo came around, we haven't seen a whole lot of Grover. I'm picturing Grover in a gutter somewhere mumbling about Mr. Noodle and Dorothy.

I would have to say that coming out of the birth canal was my crowning achievement.

Is there anything worse than watching someone type and click that does not use keyboard shortcuts?

her: "I just have to select this 2000 line spreadsheet..." [tries to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A to select all."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: [head hits table]
her: "Are you ok?"
me: "Oh, you didn't let go of the mouse button, did you?"
her: "I heard a thud"
me: "Control A."

If I owned a monkey, I think I'd have to start drinking coffee just so he'd have something to grind.

How come when I go to some restaurants and order a hamburger, they ask me if I want cheese on it? Look, guy in Wendy's hat! Cheeseburgers have been around for quite a while. If I wanted a cheeseburger, I would have asked for a cheeseburger! If I order a chili, you don't ask me if I want it on a hot dog! That's a chili dog! I mean what I say and I say what I mean! So chop chop, fancy hat!

Sorry about that. I needed to rant.

I think "able to use product without vomiting" is more important than "product actually works", which is why I use Scope instead of Listerine.

My wife and I have a living will in which she specified that she doesn't wish to be kept alive by any artificial means, so I don't know why she was so upset when she fell off that boat and I didn't throw her a life jacket.

I think the expression "shit hit the fan" is the perfect definition of a gross exaggeration.

I like the phrase "threw him under the bus." It's just such a beautifully violent way to describe what is essentially being a tattle tale. You hear it a lot, too. It seems like we'd think it would be overused but it still hasn't lost its panache. Usually a turn of phrase like that gets old after hearing it two or three times. Not this one. "Threw him under the bus" has defied the laws of the American lexicon.

Now that I think about it, I think that "turn of phrase" has become a little outdated, ironically enough.

Has anyone ever actually said the interjection "Egads!" out loud? Of course, I mean besides reading it out loud from an Archie comic.

Tropical Starbursts are way better than the original Starbursts. Tropical Starbursts are the Dick Sargent of the Starburst family.

Have you seen the commercials for Space Bag? I love that product. I wonder if they make them to transport household pets.

I think "mail-in rebate" is another way to say "subtracting money you will never ever see but you can use this lower price to help you convince your wife that you can actually afford this."

And just because I can....
Soulja Boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat hoe
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy