1 Happy St

I no longer deserve to live.

Someone just told me to "take the rest of the year off" and I actually chuckled... instead of beating him about the head with my keyboard.

But I swear, if one person says to me, "See you next year" on my way out of the building, I'm going to come at them like a spider monkey!

People that leave the divider in the giant tin of Christmas popcorn...

And people that we should be able to use for risky medical experiments.

Back in the day, Santa's elves used to have to make toy trucks or blocks or jacks or board games. But now they have to make cell phones and cameras and other technical gadgets. I wonder how Santa got them trained on stuff like that. Somehow I doubt Hermey's iPhone-manufacturing capabilities.

Below you will find some ideas I've had that are guaranteed money in the bank. However, I don't have the means nor motivation to bring them to fruition. They're all too good not to happen so I'm passing the ideas on to you, our readers, so that maybe one of you may run with it. Godspeed.

• Jerky-lined Ski Coats - I don't know if I'd have the insulation actually made of jerky but you have to admit that if you got stranded at the top of a mountain, it would sure be nice to have something to eat.
  
  
• Joey Greco and Roman Polanski in a wrestling match
  
  
• The jPhone - If you had your choice between an iPhone and a jPhone, wouldn't you take the higher letter? I would.
  
  
• Ceiling Fan Cozies
  
  
• Glow in the Dark Cats
  
  
• Snowmobile Racing with the Mentally Challenged - I just think that would be fun to watch.
  
  
• Home Bungee-Jumping Kits
  
  
• Seedless Pumpkins
  
  
• Seedless Sunflowers
  
  
• The Motorcycle-less Sidecar - Now you can have all the fun and excitement of riding in a sidecar without having to hang out with the douche with the motorcycle.
  
  
• Grown-up Sized Sit-n-Spin
  
  
• Celebrity Beer Pong

Let's make these happen, people!

Wow. Words escape me.

Courtesy of Joe-Po:

Here's what you do: You make two snowballs. You throw the first one high in the air. The person who you are throwing the snowball at will, involuntarily, follow that snowball. They can't help it. Like moth to fire. Elvis to jelly doughnuts. LaRussa to pitching change. They will follow that first snowball and give you one free and clear shot. You only get one shot at this. Don't miss.

NOTE: Be careful not to watch the first snowball yourself. I’ve seen the CMST backfire on people before.

Since Festivus falls on Sunday this year, I figured I would air my grievances today.

The Airing of Grievances
To Brian...
I don't like how you post so much so I look like a slacker to our readers! WTF?

To our readers... (that means you, Jane, Molly, Maygan, Erin, Tricia, Ridgeway and Jeremy, etc.)...
If you like what you read here, go tell some other people about this site!!!!

To everyone on TV...
Stop shouting!

To the guy in the cubicle next to mine...
Stop singing!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Eminem...
You're not fooling anyone!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Santa...
Neither are you!

To White Sox General Manager, Kenny Williams...
Don't you think we're going to need a centerfielder?

To White Sox Centerfielder, Brian Anderson...
No!

To the guy that leaves 6 inches of snow on top of his car and then gets on the highway so we can all drive behind him in his wake of wind-blown snow...
You should be sterilized.

To the next person that says to me, "Cold enough for you?"...
Duck.

To the people that take their kids to JC Penney to get their pictures taken on a Saturday three weeks before Christmas and then complain that the wait is too long...
Maybe you could go outside and clean the snow off the roof of your car while you wait.

To people that claim to still watch The Simpsons...
No you don't. Nobody does.

To people that save gift bows...
Really? That thing cost about twenty cents.

That's all for this year...

Now, it's time for the Feats of Strength... Who wants to arm wrestle?

Since it's the holidays and I can't leave for the weekend on that Debbie Downer of a note, I would like to wish you all a very Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian, should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are provided on an "as is" basis, and Brian expressly disclaims any and all warranties, express or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday Eve to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Special thanks to co-workers Dan M., Eric M., Clint C., and Kevin F. (not Federline) for their inspiration.

10. Oh man that sucks. Was your house without power this morning?

9. Do you plan on being buried in that thing? Because I have a shovel in my car if you wanted to start now.

8. Hey I like your shirt. Did it come with matching bed sheets?

7. You know you really shouldn’t steal from the Salvation Army like that.

6a. 1985 called. He wants his shirt back.

6b. 1985 called. He said you can keep that thing.

[quick aside: George popularized this joke format when he said "the jerkstore called, they're running out of you" and George Clooney raised the bar when he said to Brad Pitt, "Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back." I think it's safe to say that this joke format is comedy gold and should continue being used in any circumstance possible. Okay, back to this completely pointless Top 10 list]

5. Nice shirt. I can appreciate a sense of humor.

4. That thing isn’t even worth the amount of gasoline it would take to burn it.

3. Wow I really like that shirt. Except for the pattern. And the color. And the brand. And the person wearing it.

2. My goodness that shirt really sucks. <---- sometimes blunt obviousness works best.

1. Hey I got that same shirt. Of course mine was a gag gift.

1 Happy St., the website that brought you such popular games as Birdfeeder or Bong and Kazoo or Hash Pipe, introduce the new game that will soon be sweeping the nation. It's time to play Children's Book or Adult Erotica.

The rules are simple. Just guess if the actual book title listed is a children's book or adult erotica. Sounds easy, right? Good luck.

1. Hot Crossed Buns (answer)
   
2. Teaching Little Fingers to Play (answer)
3. What Do You Do With a Tail Like This? (answer)
4. Daddy's Little Girl (answer)
5. Un, Deux, Trois (answer)
6. Sweet Dreams and Happy Endings (answer)
7. Fun Is A Feeling (answer)
8. Shake, Shake, Shake (answer)
9. Bedtime Stories for Big Boys & Girls (answer)
   
10. My Favorite Tree (answer)
11. Animals At The Farm (answer)
12. I'm Going To Eat You (answer)
13. Big Girls Don't Cry (answer)
14. Where Does The Wind Blow? (answer)
15. Bedtime, Playtime (answer)
    
16. Armadillo Ray (answer)
17. I Smell Honey (answer)
18. Naughty Nautical Neighbors (answer)
19. Ten In The Bed (answer)
20. Karen's Toys (answer)

It's been my observation that black people don't like being stereotyped.

This is a brilliant Family Guy clip.

I don't care much for her sister, but that Jamie Lynn Spears is quite the positive role model.

I'm hoping I never get a surprise visit by a jockey. He might be offended by my landscaping. Same goes for a gargoyle.

I've got no use for tinsel.

Or koalas.

I haven't seen one bell ringer this Christmas. My pocket is overflowing with pennies.

.....er I mean with $10s and $20s.

And finally, do any of our readers remember these videos? Anyone who ever watched The Bozo Show on WGN growing up will surely remember this...



or this...


or this...

I was going to touch on this subject myself, but Joe Posnanski did it already and it turns out that his sentiments are pretty much mine. So take it away Joe:

OK, have you seen these reality-based commercials that Burger King is doing where they take the Whopper out of their restaurants and film people’s stunned reactions? I’m not going to lie to you, these really bother me. I admit, this is at least in part because I consider Burger King a 20-miler — meaning I’d only go there if there isn’t another fast-food restaurant within 20 miles. But more, this bothers me as a TV commercial enthusiast because it’s so freaking pointless. Yeah, we get it. People who go into Burger King will probably expect to have the opportunity to buy Whoppers. This has nothing to do with quality. Whoppers may be (and are) horrendous — but they’re ALL YOU’VE GOT.

I once went into a breakfast place in Jacksonville, and I ordered eggs and orange juice and the waitress said, “Oh, sorry, we’re out of orange juice.” Yeah. Out of orange juice. I want you to think about this for a moment.

1. This was a BREAKFAST PLACE — one of those places that closes down at 11:30. It only served breakfast.

2. This breakfast place was in Florida. You know. FLORIDA? Sunshine State?

3. They were out of orange juice.

Was I upset? Sure. They could have filmed me saying to the waitress, “You’re joking, right? You’re at a breakfast place in Florida — I was expecting to have Anita Bryant herself come out here to personally serve me orange juice and lecture me about whatever whacked out thing she’s into now, evils of homosexuality, saving children, whatever. No orange juice? This is a gag, right?”

Of course, I didn’t say any of that or anything else. I never do. I just THOUGHT that. But had I said that, I don’t see how that would have been an endorsement for their orange juice. I think Pizza Hut pizza is ghastly bad. But if I was in the emergency situation of having to order something from Pizza Hut, and I stopped in, and they said, “no, we don’t have pizza today,” well, yeah, I would be mad too. Doesn’t make the pizza or the Whopper any less crappy.

Well said Joe.

And since I have nothing else to add on the subject, can somebody please tell me if I'm living the high life? I went into this bar the other day and.......

Okay never mind.

We wanted to give our readers a chance to learn a little about the various presidential candidates. We'll present you with a snippet of a speech by each candidate.

The first candidate we will look at is the Democratic front-runner, Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL). The following is an excerpt of a speech Senator Obama gave in Manchester, NH on November 20, 2007.

I've visited many schools and spoken to many teachers and students throughout my two decades of ##### service, but one I'll always remember is my visit to Dodge Elementary School in Chicago just a few years ago.

I was talking with a young ##### there, and I asked her what she saw as the biggest ##### facing her students. She gave me an answer that I had never heard before. She spoke about what she called "##### Kids Syndrome" - the tendency to explain away the shortcomings and failures of our ##### system by saying that "these kids can't #####" or "these kids don't want to #####" or "these kids are just too ##### behind." And after awhile, "##### kids" become somebody else's #####.

And this ##### looked at me and said, "When I hear that ##### it drives me nuts. They're not ˜##### kids.' They're our #####. All of them."

She's absolutely right. The ##### child in Manchester or Nashua whose parents can't find or afford a quality pre-school that we know would make him more likely to #### in school, and ##### better, and ##### later in life - he is our child.

The little ##### in rural South Carolina or the South Side of Chicago whose school is ##### falling down around her, and can't afford ##### textbooks, and can't attract new teachers because it can't afford to pay them a ##### salary - she is our child.

The teenager in ##### Boston who needs more ##### and better ####ing to compete for the #### jobs as the teenager in Bangalore or Beijing - he is our child.

These ##### are our children. Their future is our future. And it's time we understood that their ##### is our responsibility. All of us.

This is a defining moment for our #####. Revolutions in communications and technology have created a ##### economy of high-tech, high-wage jobs that can be ##### anywhere there's an internet connection - an economy where the most valuable skill you can sell is your #####.

##### is now the currency of the Information Age. It's no longer just a pathway to ##### and ##### - it's a pre-requisite. There simply aren't as many jobs today that can support a family where only a high school degree is required. And if you don't have that degree, there are even fewer jobs available that can keep you out of poverty.

In this kind of economy, countries who out-#### us today will out-#### us tomorrow. Already, China is graduating eight times as many ##### as we are. By twelfth grade, our children score lower on ##### and ##### tests than most other kids in the world. And we now have one of the highest high school ##### rates of any industrialized nation in the world.

Well I do not accept this future for America. I do not accept an America where we do nothing about six million students who are ####ing below their grade level - an America where sixty percent of African-American fourth graders aren't even ####ing at the basic level.

I do not accept an America where we do nothing about the fact that half of all teenagers are unable to understand basic ##### - where nearly nine in ten African-American and Latino eighth graders are not proficient in #####. I do not accept an America where elementary school kids are only getting an average of twenty-five minutes of ##### each day when we know that over 80% of the fastest-growing jobs require a knowledge base in ##### and #####.

This kind of America is ###### unacceptable for our children. It's economically untenable for our future. And it's not who we are as a country.

According to this website, I can take 25 of them.

One thing that Jill has learned about me since we got married is that I have a wealth of knowledge about things that are completely unnecessary to have any knowledge about whatsoever. Most of the time when I get to show it off, she'll just shake her head and think to herself, "oh my goodness, I'm stuck with you the rest of my life". I think deep down, she just hates it when I'm right, because whenever I am, I celebrate it by jumping up and down, smiling from ear to ear, and reminding her for the next hour or so until she punches me in the face.

One day about a year ago, I was flipping through the preview guide on the television and I saw that the movie "Back to School" was on. Jill was sitting next to me, saw that my eyes lit up, and immediately said "no, we're not watching that." I replied with "wait, let me just guess which part of the movie is showing right now." I was going to base my guess on where in the movie the preview guide said they were. I then said a line from the movie that I figured (hoped) would be coming up soon and turned the channel. Honest to God, within 2 seconds, the line I had just uttered was being spoken in the movie. Jill turned to me and said "oh my goodnness, I'm stuck with you the rest of my life". Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself. And also needless to say, if things like this could go on a resume', I'd have a much better resume'.

Fast-forward to last night: Jill and I were in the car driving around and finishing up some of our Christmas shopping. I told her that I was going to turn on the satellite radio to the 90's station (by the way, if you don't have satellite radio, you should get it just for the 90's station. Granted, they play a lot of late-90's crap like Third Eye Blind and Everclear, but there's also an abundance of Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, and other stuff that reminds me of Greg). Before I turned it on, I asked Jill to guess which band would be playing. Of course she wanted no part of that game. She probably realized the odds were 1 in 5000 or so to guess correctly, not to mention the game itself is really stupid. But I didn't care; I was playing. So I threw out Alice in Chains. Even now, I'm not sure why I said that because when they were popular, I never particularly cared for them. They had some songs I liked, but were never one of my favorites. But as soon as I turned on the radio, we heard this: "Heeeeeere, they come to snuff the rooster. Oh yeah. You know he ain't gonna die." Of course my face lit up like I had just won the lotto. Jill looked at me and didn't know what to say. But I think today she's filing for divorce.

Yeahhhhhhh, here come the rooster!

Yet another example of a study where I could have told them what the results would be before they wasted millions of dollars conducting it.

Apparently, young adolescent girls who hang out predominantly with young adolescent boys tend to drink more alcohol than young adolescent girls who hang out predominantly with other young adolescent girls.

Nice work Professor. And here, have this beer. No you won't get in trouble. Everyone's doing it.

In our poll from October 8th, we asked what would happen first for newlyweds Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. It looks like the majority was correct.

NOTE: This is Pam's 2nd divorce since 1HappySt was born.

I'd add my own commentary, but my fingers hurt.

I love snow days! I'm at home with the boys today because Ann Arbor got about 14 inches of snow. We're watching a show on Nick right now called Yo Gabba Gabba. If you haven't seen it, let me just tell you that it is the greatest childrens' show EVER!!!!! I think this show is created by the same people that brought us Charlie The Unicorn. Oh, and it gave me a chance to use our ever popular "ridiculous afro" label again!

Have a look...

According to this article, insomnia runs in the family. So I can blame my mom and dad for the fact that I'm posting this at 4:10 am.

- Earlier today, this woman got off the elevator on a floor before me, and rather than saying "have a good day", she said "have a blessed day". I thought that was kind of cool. And I will.

- Were you as shocked as I was to find out that Cohutta’s grandfather is Wade Garrett? I thought Wade was killed by Wesley’s henchmen.

- In order to understand that previous Random, you’ll have to be someone who regularly watches The Real World and be familiar with the movie Road House. I realize I’m probably in the minority on that one.

- I found myself watching the movie "Lean on Me" on cable recently. That Joe Clark wasn't a good Principal at all. He was actually kind of a loon. Free Mr. Clark? I disagree. Keep that loon locked up.

- I get "Lean on Me" and "Stand by Me" confused. I always have to picture the music teacher singing in front of the whole school before I remember what the name of the movie is that I'm about to talk about.

- Some of today’s baseball players are getting awfully big. They must be hitting the gym really hard.

- When the song "Love Shack" first came out, do you think anybody thought we’d still be hearing it almost 20 years later?

- I should really stop watching my weight, because every time I do, I see it go up.

- Don’t you love it when some snow makes its way inside your pant leg and inside your boot and then drips down into your sock? Yeah me too.

- If I were to ever write a movie script, I would do everything in my power to avoid one of my characters having to give out their phone number. I hate that 555. I bet you do too.

- Whenever I order pancakes at a restaurant, I’m always excited when they arrive. But then when I’m about halfway done with them, I always kind of wish someone would take them away.

- And why is french toast from a restaurant so much worse than homemade french toast? If they made it like I make it, I’d probably order it.

- I was involved in a conversation earlier today where I was able to say “that’s what SHE said” 4 times in a row. I think that’s my new record and I’m pretty excited about it. But I promise not to get a big head over it. Ha, that’s what SHE said.

- That is all for this week. Until next time, remember that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. And the people you know really suck.

Quick note: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will be airing on TCM (DirecTV channel 256) on 12/18 at 11:30pm CT. If you miss it that night, it will be airing again back-to-back on TBS (DirecTV channel 247) on 12/22 at 7:00pm and 8:45pm CT. Set your DVR's if you won't be home.

And if that's not enough to get you in the Christmas spirit, try this:

I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (Baby, it’s cold outside)
The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

Some good news for every 15-85 year old male Jessica Simpson fan. Pay particular attention to her logic on how you gain respect in Hollywood. When did this trend start?

I "blame" Halle Berry.

Remember when you were a kid and someone would come at you with a water balloon or something and you'd bust out the "my mom said I can't get wet" defense? It probably only worked 50% of the time or so, but even with those odds, it was still worth the effort. You had a 50/50 shot of walking away from that situation completely dry. Wouldn't it be great if that same concept translated to adulthood?

Like if your wife said to you, "come to the mall with me, I need to pick up a few things", wouldn't it be great if you could respond with "oh you know what, my mom said I can't go to the mall"? Instead, if you were to say something like that, she'd call you a momma's boy and a few minutes later you'd be in the car. Well that's crap. Next time I'm a situation where somebody is asking me to do something I don't want to do, I'm busting it out.

"Mr. Brian, our records show that you're two weeks behind on your mortgage payment."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my mom said I can't pay my mortgage."

I like it.

- Seeing two guys holding hands during the couple’s skate made me laugh every time. It was pretty simple and obvious I know, but still comedy gold as far as I was concerned.

- Boo to the guy who worked there who would always make them leave the floor, but bravo to the DJ for following that up with two Technotronic songs in a row. Pump up the jam, pump it up, while your feet are stompin'.

- By the way, if you're a DJ and you got your start at a roller rink, do you even put that on your resume'? I didn’t think so.

- If you're going to shovel snow with your stomach, you'd better be sure there are no cracks in your driveway. That's all I'm saying.

- Why does a plain hot dog cost the same as a hot dog with everything? And yet, if I order a plain hot dog and ask them to put cheese on it, they'll charge me an extra 40 cents.

- SNL has to be the greatest Tivo show ever. I can skip all the commercials, the musical guest, the opening monologue if the host sucks, and pretty much every lame sketch between Weekend Update and the last one. Basically, I can watch 90 minutes of television in about 12 or 13. You gotta love that.

- I don't have any cute buttons. At least I don't think. But I do have this zipper that's pretty hot.

- I don't mind spray butter, but I hate the look I get from Jill after I spray something 20 or 30 times.

- Last Christmas I left a bottle of wine in my mailbox for my mailman, but he didn't take it. It stayed there for two days in a row before I ended up taking it back. Maybe he's a recovering alcoholic. I wonder if he was pissed.

- Every time I see the Wendy's commercial for the new Baconator sandwich, I kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit.

- It's not officially the Christmas season until cousin Eddie kidnaps Clark's boss for the first time. Hopefully TBS will be getting us there soon.

- Speaking of Christmas, how much does it suck that it falls on a Tuesday this year? One day off? Son of a bitch. How much would it affect our GDP if we all took 2 full weeks off like schools do?

- What is the proper response to a person from the south who is complaining that the temperature earlier in the week dipped into the 40's?

- I wonder why the cable companies decided that the TV should be on channel 3. Why not 2? Or 6? Or 1? Wait, is there a channel 1? I don't think there is. What the hell?

- Okay, I think I'm done here. Until next time, [generic inspirational quote that I could not think of right now].

Ok I promise I'm sitting at my computer as I type this.

i just had to say that I don't understand why there aren't any female celebrity impersonators. Certainly there has to be a woman out there who can do a good impression of Wanda Sykes or Fran Drescher, right? So why have I never seen one?

Okay, back to sitting at my computer.

Ok I promise I'm stopped at a stoplight while I type this.

i just had to say that I hate seeing upside-down 8's on gas station signs. If I see a gas station with upside-down 8's across from a station with correct 8's, I'm going to the station with the correct 8's.

Okay, back to driving.

The relationship between Lance Armstrong and Michelle Tan...., er Ashley Olsen, has reportedly hit the skids.

Whatever happened to predictability? I think we have our answer.

It's a good thing that Amerigo Vespucci's name wasn't something like "Darren".

Is there anything one can usurp other than authority?

I am habitually blaming my inclinations on my predispositions.

Every year at this time, Arby's sells glasses. They don't have a logo or advertisement on them. They're just glasses. I don't have a joke here. I just don't get it.

Often we have product names derive generic terms from the original brand. For example, geezers will often call a refigerator a "Frigidaire" regardless of the name brand.

I can understand this, but I have always wondered why you never see it the other way around. Why aren't there more brand names derived from generic terms. If I owned company that made beer, I'd call it "Cold One".

Taking this even further, products could be named after what they are. "When you're at The Store, why don't you pick up Some Eggs." You'd never have to advertise! Anyone have any other ideas?

It's hard enough coming up with good Christmas gift ideas for all the people that you have to buy for. But you know what's worse? Thinking you came up with a good idea, but then nobody has it in stock. What the [bleep] is that about?

Isn't it bad biz to have a product that's in demand, but none available to sell? Why the [bleep] don't they make enough for everybody? What the [bleep]?!? Why must we go through this every year? [Bleep].

[Bleep].

So I'm at the store last night buying for Greg actually. I have a pretty cool gift idea I think. I'm searching all over the store for this thing but I can tell that there's none there. Jill suggests that I ask somebody. Yeah that'll work. I'll ask this poor kid who's making $6 an hour the same question that he's had to answer for the past 2 hours. Here's how the conversation went (as far as I can remember):

Me: "Uh, do you have any __________ in stock?"

Him: "Honestly Man, what the [bleep] do you think?"

Me: "Do you know when you'll have any?"

Him: "Yeah. I'm making $6 an hour, so management consults with me about inventory all the time. I tell you what. Why don't you write down your name and phone number on a piece of paper for me. Then when we do get some in, I'll be sure to look at that piece of paper and have a good laugh at the fact that you thought I'd ever call you."

Me: "[Bleep]"

I think we need a better system.

Either someone had a fun time with paintbrush, or this particular KFC sign guy is way too clever to be a KFC sign guy.

You may judge for yourself whether or not you think this is funny.

I smiled a little bit.

Still looking for a gift for that hard-to-buy-for loved one? I bet he doesn't have one of THESE. Is there anything you can't buy on Amazon?

- I never know which way to go. Do I close the toilet seat lid when I flush it and risk getting back-splash on the bottom of the lid? Or do I keep it open during the flush and risk getting back-splash all over the bathroom?

- Today is the 8th anniversary of exactly 8 years ago. I thought I'd remind you.

- I just opened a snack-sized bag of Doritos and there were only 4 of them in there. What the hell?!?

- The Twins will be a better team next year now that they traded for this guy. He’s a good ballplayer, not to mention he can prepare shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried shrimp, deep fried shrimp, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burga, shrimp sandwich. That…that's about it.

- C’mon, tell me that guy doesn’t look like Bubba.

- Who else finds it odd that the law requires us to have car insurance, but it doesn’t care whether or not we have health insurance? I guess my car is more important.

- I am convinced that the taste of a cough drop is directly related to its effectiveness. And not in a good way.

- First there was this, then there was this, but why stop there? Why can't there be Air-Drummer Hero or Turntable-Scratch Hero? (courtesy of Donald)

- I'd actually like to try virtual grocery shopping. Can't Wii develop that? Then they could partner with Peapod and I'd never have to leave my couch. Let's face it, I don't want to leave my couch anyway, right? Although I suppose I'd have to get up to answer the door.

- If you're looking for the absolute worst Christmas gift to buy someone, get them a shoe horn.

- I hate that guy who points out that your face is turning red right after you were embarrassed in front of a large group of people. Yeah thanks Governor. I'm sure nobody was noticing until you pointed that out.

- If you're celebrating the New Month tonight, please be careful. There will be a lot of crazies out there on the road. And until next time, please remember to never have children, only grandchildren.

I wasn't going to share the following story for a couple reasons:
1. I'm not proud of it.
2. I'm really not all that proud of it.

But I've shared it in person a few times, and each time it has received one of the following reactions:
1. That's freaking awesome.
2. Dude, you're an idiot.
3. You're lucky you didn't get arrested.
4. Or killed.

All of those reactions tell me it's worthy to post here. So here goes.

Last Wednesday night, my brother-in-law (Tom) and I were hanging out at a local bar in northern Wisconsin. We were visiting Jill's Grandpa for Thanksgiving, and he lives in a very small town where the main street is littered with dive bars. Basically, it's the perfect town if you're an alcoholic who likes to go boating, fishing, hunting, and you don't have a job. Okay so anyway, Tom and I were sitting there at one of the bars minding our own business (of course we were), shootin' the sh## with the bartender, listening to some music, etc. It had to have been around 2 in the morning or so when the trouble started. I got up to use the bathroom, and when I came back, I saw my drink spilled out all over the floor. I asked what happened. Tom told me that one of the locals at the other end of the bar (whom we'll call Punchy) came over and dumped it on the ground and then walked away.

Here's the part of the story where I should tell you a little bit about Tom. He's got to be around 6'4" or so and strong as an ox. Picking a fight with him is considered bad policy. However, he's still only 20 years old. Meaning he shouldn't be in the bar in the first place. Getting into a fight while drinking in a bar could result in numerous days in jail. Okay, back to the story.

The two of us were now shouting from across the bar at Punchy and things were getting a little heated. To defuse the situation, Punchy's girlfriend ordered a drink and brought it to me. I reluctantly accepted it and thanked her. She asked if everything was cool now, I said it was, but I also requested that she please keep Punchy on the other side of the bar. She agreed. Punchy did not. Perhaps the fact that his girlfriend bought me a drink made him angrier, or perhaps he was just a moron (of course he was), but it didn't end there. I remember telling Tom that there was probably no way we'd be able to leave that place without Punchy getting punchy. I was right.

As Tom and I got up to leave, Punchy took a plastic cup or something and threw it right at Tom's chest. To Tom's credit, he kept walking and continued out the door while I was a step behind him. Punchy followed me. As I got to the door, Punchy grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, then made that sound you make as you're trying to hock up some flem, like he was about to spit on me. So I punched him in the jaw. Yup. I threw the first punch. And my name isn't even Punchy. I hadn't been in a fight since the 7th grade (Brian Brumbaugh). Now I was about to find out on the fly if I remembered how to do it.

Before we knew it, we were all on the sidewalk swinging away. Tom grabbed Punchy and slammed him into the bumper of a pickup truck face-first. Punchy's friend was out there now and he was swinging away. Then all of a sudden, everything just stopped. The bartender was outside, Punchy's friends and girlfriend were outside, some other locals were outside, all trying to break it up. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than 15 or 20 seconds. Before the cops could show up, Tom and I hopped in our car and took off. Even now, we have no idea what happened to poor Punchy's face. It landed face-first into a steel bumper, so there's no way he wasn't hurting. But we didn't stick around to find out; we were out of there.

So the next morning, I got up and had 2 welts on my head, one of which was still bleeding through my hair. Tom had a cut above his eye. Jill was asking what happened.

Nothing. I'm fine. We're cool.

But then I noticed that my wedding ring was gone. Oh crap. It's 8am on Thanksgiving morning and Jill's whole family (mom, dad, aunt, grandpa) was staring at me in the kitchen, wondering why I'm bleeding from the head and why my ring is gone. Tom came into the room and said 'I think I saw a ring on the ground as we were leaving the bar'. Thanks Man. You couldn't have mentioned that last night?

So we made the drive back to the bar (remember, it's friggin 8am on Thanksgiving morning and about 20 degrees outside) and sure enough, right on the curb where we had fought the night before was my ring just lying there in the snow.

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

When we got back to the house, everyone was waiting for us so that we could explain what happened.

That was my Thanksgiving.

How was yours?

You may have heard about this already, but in case you haven't, I'll summarize: A blogger named Bill Baer got into a pretty heated email conversation with Bill Conlin, a reporter for the Philadelphia Daily News. Unbeknownst to Conlin (I think we can assume), Bill the Blogger posted the email conversation on his blog, which contained some verbiage by Conlin that some people considered racist. Now Conlin is facing discipline from the Philadelphia Daily News. It also created quite a bit of popularity for Baer and his blog, and eventually led to this interview.

Pretty fascinating stuff.

For obvious reasons, I have to side with Bill the Blogger. But the whole situation raises some pretty interesting ethical questions about blogs themselves. Luckily for Greg and I, we would never post someone else's work on our blog and then make fun of it.

Oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

Sorry Joe Morgan.

Steve Guttenberg now resides in rural Montana where he and his wife grow tomatoes.

T-shirts are so named because they gained popularity in the 1920's. Originally, they were known as Twenties shirts. Eventually that name was shortened to just "T-shirts".

David Duchovny enjoys spelunking.

Penny loafers were originally introduced by the Lincoln Shoe Company in Lincoln, Nebraska. The logo of the company was the silhouette of Abe Lincoln as on the penny, hence the name.

The addition symbol '+' is derived from the latin word texo, which means: to twine together, build. What we write as a plus sign is actually a lower case T.

Molly Ringwald is allergic to eggs.

Vaseline was invented as a laxative.

Christopher Columbus did not know how to swim.

Pringles chips are all the same size because they only use the parts of the potato that will make the chips that size. Proctor & Gamble sells the remaining potato pieces to the Frito-Lay company where they are used for Lays potato chips.

Blair Underwood's real name is Tootie Lowenstein.


...and that is why I'm not allowed to edit Wikipedia anymore.

Only Fox News would print a story like this and then quote Martez Brisco word for word, presumably to allow everyone reading it to laugh at his English butchering. I'd complain, but it's why I read Fox News.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times (okay, probably only once). Never fight an angry transvestite. They're built like men but they fight like women. You simply can't win.

So now we officially know how Baby Grace died.

After reading what her mother did to her (I'll spare you all the details, but click here and read for yourself if you don't mind ruining your day a little bit), I think it's safe to say that she's better off now.

Uh, anybody want to sit between us? No? Nobody? C'mon, I'll skooch. Alright forget it then.

Not to be a Barry Bonds apologist here (actually, that's exactly what I'm going to be), but does anybody else see the irony in the U.S. government's claim that Barry committed perjury? He gave a secret grand-jury testimony regarding his purchase or use of steroids. By law, his testimony should have been sealed and hidden from the media. However, two reporters from San Francisco got their hands on his statements and then wrote a book about it. The two reporters still to this day are refusing to acknowledge who leaked the testimony to them. Regardless, it was determined that Barry lied in his "secret" testimony, and so for that, he is now being charged with a crime.

Who else sees the hypocrisy here?

When all is said and done, Barry should sue the government.

[Editor's Note: This commentary does not necessarily reflect the opinions of 1HappySt or its staff. In fact, Greg and Brian both think it's wrong to ever sue the government. Or even bring up the notion for that matter. Unless of course you're Barry Bonds and you have a legitimate claim. Wait no, not even if you're Barry Bonds. You should NEVER sue the government. The government is always right. Thank you..........Please do not audit me]

What if Stacy Peterson isn't really dead? What if she actually did leave with a boyfriend or something and she's alive somewhere? Then, what if Drew Peterson actually did kill his 3rd wife Kathleen Savio? Wouldn't that be the ultimate karma? He got away with it until his 4th wife Stacy decided to leave him without a trace.

Last night after telling Jill my "theory", she one-upped me. What if Stacy is alive, but has co-conspired with the Savio family in order to get Kathleen's body exhumed?

Wow. I think she just wrote the plot to a murder-mystery movie.

- I couldn’t have been the only person who was relieved that Kanye West’s mom’s plastic surgeon was a black guy, could I have been?

- Hey, did you hear? Rudy Giuliani World Trade Center 9/11 Center Giuliani Trade 9/11 Rudy Center New York 9/11. Yeah I know, I was shocked too.

- I don’t think I should have to pay the $3.95 for ordering ‘License to Wed’ on pay-per-view. I think the producers should have to pay me for having to sit through it. Before you make fun of me, it was a Jill pick.

- Everyone on Tila Tequila should be shot. Or they should at least be hosed down for a few hours. Knowing that there are people in this world who actually exist and who act like that kind of makes me pray that Global Warming is real.

- Too harsh?

- Well if you haven’t seen that show, I certainly won’t be the one recommending it. But if you have 30 minutes or so of free time and you wanted to waste it by staring at your television in disbelief with your jaw dropped to the floor the whole time, then please do check it out. You may want to take a PDO from work the next day though. Yeah, you’ll feel dumber for the next day or two.

- Why is it so hard for my insurance company to bill me correctly after I make a change to my policy? Am I the first person to ever trade in my old car for a new one?

- NOTE: This is my Thursday posting, but it’s going up on Wednesday night. I doubt I’ll have any time to post anything new the rest of the week because I have meetings all day on Thursday, and then I’m leaving for Michigan on Friday. That’s right, I’m visiting the bro. He’s performing live on Friday night at a coffee house. Turns out our boy and resident webmaster is quite the talented singer. I’ll be the judge of that. And fear not, I’m bringing my camera. Until next time........

I never know what that means. Until next time. Until next time what? Nobody ever finishes that sentence. Well I'm going to. Until next time, be safe and always remember, whatever you do from here on out will be insignificant, but it is still extremely important that you do it.

A quick cherry-picked portion of Drew Peterson's interview with Matt Lauer from earlier this morning:

Matt Lauer: "You've said on occassion that Stacy came to you and said she was seeing someone else; that there was another man. Is it fair to say that you believe that Stacy right now is with that other man?"

Drew Peterson: "She never told me she was seeing another man ... well, maybe she did. But I believe she's with someone else right now."

You've had 3 weeks to get your story straight, and that's your answer? Nice effort there Drew. I hope you end up in a cell with an inmate that you arrested.

For version 1, click here

- That Guy who tells you how many beers he’s had. Okay Punchy, let’s take it down a notch.

- That Neighbor who bought a copy of Monster Ballads and then decided that the whole neighborhood was probably in the mood for some Mr. Big and Cinderella while he worked on his car in the driveway. Or was that Warrant? Oh no, it was Slaughter. My bad.

- In all honesty, I actually like that Mr. Big song. Hold on little girl…….sorry bout that, let’s get back to the list.

- That Guy who likes Mr. Big.

- That Guy who always wins at beanbags.

- That Guy who takes his shirt off at the football game when it’s in the teens.

- Anybody who says “Let’s take it down a notch”.

- That waiter who knows too much about the wine list. Just fill the glass Skeezik.

- That Guy who manages to tackle me even though we’re playing flag football.

- That Guy who shows up to flag football wearing his old High School football jersey (usually the same guy who ends up tackling me). This guy will also be sure to remind everyone that he used to be good back in the day and his high school almost won state. No, I’m not bitter.

- That Guy who smokes only when he drinks. He’ll be sure to tell you that he only smokes when he drinks. I think he should do it more often. And take up crack too.

- That Guy who golfs in the 70’s and then says “I did okay but it wasn’t my best”.

- Is this going to end soon?

- Okay last one. Still Joe Morgan.

- It may have been a bad idea that I joined the coffee club at work. It used to be that I’d pick up a cup from Dunkin Donuts on my way into work. But now that I have access to an unlimited supply of coffee 8 hours a day, I’ve been drinking it like it’s my job.

- Do children under 10 years old understand the universal sign for asking someone to roll down their car window? Or will they just think I'm having a muscle spasm in my elbow?

- What did we do before broadband? Did we really wait a minute or so for each page to show up?
- Does anyone have an envelope and a stamp I can borrow?

- There’s only like 8 or 9 people in the entire world who will understand the previous random, and none of them read this blog (I don’t think). But it was fun for me to include it anyway. And yes, I deserve a nerd alert.

- For some reason, you have to be a guy to appreciate anything on The History Channel. Then again, you definitely have to be a female to appreciate Bridezillas. Luckily, The Hills is universal. Or at least I'm telling myself it is. Audrina needs to dump Justin (Bobby). He sucks.

- Greg had it right back in 1998 when he moved 4 hours away from the family. He gets to pick any free weekend in November or December and that’s when he celebrates the holidays with us. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to make ourselves available 9 or 10 different times.

- What did we do before DVRs? Did we really watch everything while it was airing live?

- I won’t pretend to understand what childbirth feels like for women. But I bet the pain is on par with getting dirt in your contact lens. No?

- I apologize, but I have to end here. I’m all out of coffee and I smell a fresh pot brewing. Enjoy your Tuesday.

If you're Paris Hilton and you're trying to clean up your party-girl image through philanthropy, which cause do you take up? I know. Drunken Indian elephants.

To be fair, this is actually nice of her. Someone needs to raise awareness of drunken Indian elephants, so why not Paris? The situation has been out of control for far too long.

But I love this quote within the article from Sangeeta Goswami, head of animal rights group People for Animals: "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in northeast India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."

It's like Sangeeta knew I would need a ridiculously long and detailed quote for this blog. Let's hope they all keep up the good work. And if you're looking for a good holiday donation, be sure to check out
www.takingnoteofrecentincidentsofwildelephantsinnortheastindiagoingberserk.com/

Oh, it doesn't exist? Well it should.

If you're a fan of Las Vegas and you're over 60 years old, you probably heard that The New Frontier was imploded this morning. I'm a fan of Las Vegas, but just a shade under 60 years old. However, I still have a couple of stories related to The New Frontier that make me sad to see it go.

2004 - My friend Chris Lucht's bachelor party - The whole B.P. group was staying at Treasure Island, but I was originally a "no" when they were making reservations. So last minute when I realized I could make it, I had to take what I could get. My boy Donald from work said he'd tag along, so we started looking for deals. Another guy we worked with at the time named Art recommended The New Frontier because it was cheap, had a great pool, and was still on the strip. Even now, I have no idea how Art could have given this place the description that he did, but at the time, any idea would have been a good one, and his sounded perfect. When we arrived, our first clue that this was not the place for us should have been when the front desk gave us the key to our room and it was a real key. Like for a house. Not a swipe card. A real friggin key. How old is this place? Then we checked out the "fantastic pool" that we had heard so little about. It was hardly fantastic. It looked like the pool where the movie 'Cocoon' was filmed. We kept hearing a bell go off in the middle of the day; we weren't sure if this meant a new bingo game had started, or if somebody had died. The TV channel in the room that talks about the hotel was on a continuous loop, but the video was made in 1986 <-----this is not a lie. There was one silver lining however - the main bar served $4 jack and cokes. And they were good.

2006 - My bachelor party - We were staying across the street from The New Frontier at The Wynn. Our very first night, we tried our hand at The Wynn's nightclub called Tryst. After waiting in line for almost 2 hours and not getting any closer to the door, we pitched the idea and walked across the street to The New Frontier. First things first, we decided to gamble a little bit. I sat down at a $5 blackjack table, and within 30 minutes or so, I was up over $200. Nice. By now, it was probably after 11pm, so my friends dragged me from the table and decided on checking out that horrible redneck bar with the mechanical bull. If you've ever been to The New Frontier, you know which bar I'm talking about. There's line-dancing and guys there wearing black jeans, T-Shirts, and cowboy hats. The only thing missing is peanut shells on the floor. On the way to the redneck bar, I stop at the main lobby bar and order myself a Red Bull and Vodka, where I'm probably guessing it's going to be cheaper. The bartender says "we don't have red bull, but I got this instead". I can't remember what it was, but he advertises it as an energy drink that tastes like Red Bull. He is wrong. It is the worst-tasting $8 drink I've ever had. I end up puking for like 10 straight minutes. Not good. My friend Tony finds me and asks what is taking so long, I play it off like I just had to pee really bad, then he tells me that everyone is already inside the redneck bar. I walk over there with him and the bouncer at the door ends up talking me into purchasing their $20 all-I-can-drink package. I had just finished puking that horrible kryptonite concoction, so $20 is a small price to pay to feel good again. I hand him a $20 bill and he gives me a wrist band. Once inside, I go straight to the bar and order a jack and coke. The bartender says "that'll be $7", or something like that. "Not so fast," I say as I show him my wristband. The bartender laughs at me. "That's only for beer," he says. He points out about 30 cups of beer spread out at the end of the bar and says "you get those". Sonofabitch. I grab one and take a sip. It's warm. "What is this?" I ask. "Bud Lite," he says. I say "do you have any Miller Lite? Or something cold?" He responds with "just Bud, and it should be cold." Sonofabitch again. "Just give me that horrible energy drink with the vodka please."

New Frontier, I'll miss you.

If I owned a monkey, I think I'd have to start drinking coffee just so he'd have something to grind.

How come when I go to some restaurants and order a hamburger, they ask me if I want cheese on it? Look, guy in Wendy's hat! Cheeseburgers have been around for quite a while. If I wanted a cheeseburger, I would have asked for a cheeseburger! If I order a chili, you don't ask me if I want it on a hot dog! That's a chili dog! I mean what I say and I say what I mean! So chop chop, fancy hat!

Sorry about that. I needed to rant.

I think "able to use product without vomiting" is more important than "product actually works", which is why I use Scope instead of Listerine.

My wife and I have a living will in which she specified that she doesn't wish to be kept alive by any artificial means, so I don't know why she was so upset when she fell off that boat and I didn't throw her a life jacket.

I think the expression "shit hit the fan" is the perfect definition of a gross exaggeration.

You don't have to be a sports fan to appreciate this story.

Last week, Wyoming football coach Joe Glenn guaranteed a victory in their upcoming game against Utah on Saturday.

Fast-forward to the 3rd quarter of that game. After Utah scored again to go up 43-0, Utah's coach Kyle Whittingham called for an on-side kick so they could get the ball back and continue to run up the score.

Wyoming recovered the on-side kick, but it didn't stop Wyoming's guarantee-giving coach Joe Glenn from looking over towards the Utah sideline and giving Whittingham the finger.

The best part? I counted 3 "my bads" in the post-game interviews.

Late in the game, the crowd of 42,000 began chanting "guarantee" and Wyoming coach Joe Glenn said afterward that he regretted making that promise. "I got emotional last week and got my big Irish mouth going and made the guarantee," he said. "I'd probably like to have it back now. I wouldn't do it again."

On Sunday, Utah coach Kyle Whittingham told the Desert Morning News of Salt Lake City he regretted calling the onside kick. "My emotions got the best of me, and after thinking about it, I wouldn't have done it in hindsight. But emotions were running high as you could tell. That's the nature of sports, I guess. At times your emotions get in the way of sound decision-making."

Then on Monday, Glenn released the following statement regarding his gesture: "I met with my team on Sunday and apologized to them for the gesture I made toward the Utah bench during the game. I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment."

Can this excuse be used in any circumstance? I think it can.

"I called your wife a slut. But you know what? I totally regret it. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I say things that I regret later. This was one of those times."

I like it. Let's try another one.

"I smacked you over the head with a tack hammer and called you a retard. But I cannot stress this enough; that was my bad. Sometimes I get emotional and hit people in the head with tack hammers and call them retards, but I never feel good about it afterwards. I apologize."

See what I did there? I combined the emotional excuse with a my bad. I can't wait for a real-life experience where I can bust this out.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck has revealed the name of her newborn son: Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck

[Editor's Note: one guy who may give a sh##??? This guy. Although I still doubt it.]

A spokesperson for J-Lo has confirmed she's pregnant

[Editor's Note: This will definitely not be the last time we hear from this award. In fact, Brian is quite excited for its next installment. What will it be? Nobody knows]

Hi everyone! Greg here. Remember me? I trust Brian has kept everyone up to date on my bio-dome project. It's been an amazing experience. The last bio-domers left the place a total wreck. I was thinking about calling in a favor from Ty Pennington. He still owes me from getting him off sugar.

What is it with that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show, anyway? Every time I watch it, I feel like I've been emotionally raped. I finally had to stop watching all together because no 7 year old boy wants to see his dad bawling over interior design.

I still don't understand the show. Every episode is basically Ty telling people, "I know nothing is going to bring your dad and your husband back...but maybe this flat panel TV will help."

The worst ones are the ones about sick kids. "As you all sit in this brand new house waiting for little Timmy to finally kick off, you can at least sit in the comfort of your new indoor hot tub!"

Another thing that bothers me is how they do these theme rooms for the kids. They act like they know the kids so well and then they pick one little nugget and that's the kid's identity, as if being into skateboarding means I want to sleep teetering on top of a half pipe in my effing room. "Well I really got to know Betsy in the minute and a half it took us to walk her out to the limo and I noticed that she was wearing shoes when outside.... so her whole room is going to be floored with recycled sneakers and her night stands are going to be shaped like Mary Janes."

There is something especially creepy about how they just destroy all the houses too, as if the old house has no memories. "Do you know what will make the hurt of your mom dying go away? An army of blue shirted immigrants destroying the house she used to take such painstaking care of... And here's a video clip to watch at Disney World of all these strangers taking chainsaws to the couch where mom and dad conceived dead Billy."

If they do anything to preserve the old house, it usually comes off as a little forced and awkward. "Tina, I know you've had it the worst when you found out that your dad was killed in Iraq and then you set your family's house on fire while burning a candle in his memory, so yours was my secret room... check out all those new picture frames! I made them myself from the charred remains of your home!"

Frigging Ty Pennington.

At any rate, the bio-dome project is just about finishing up so I should be around a little more often. Thanks for holding down the fort, Brian!

If the Patriots are 15-0 heading into their final game, I hope they don't rest their starters. Every year a team wins the Super Bowl, but in the history of the league, only one team has gone undefeated and that was 35 years ago. And even they didn't go 16-0; they only went 14-0. Going 16-0 is something that no team in history has ever done. It's the right play.

I hope Barry Bonds signs with a team and leads them to the World Series, then declines all post-game interviews afterwards. Then I hope he declines the World Series MVP trophy on live television, walks out of the locker room, and is never seen or heard from again.

I hope A-Rod signs with the Angels for $300 million over 8 seasons, but for the next few years, his team finishes no better than 3rd.

I hope Kenny Williams thinks twice about his "David Eckstein can be my leadoff hitter" idea.

I hope my fantasy team stops its losing streak.

I hope Greg returns from the bio-dome.

I hope the Bulls finally win a game.

I hope Sidney Crosby scores 100 goals this season. I'm not even sure what that means, but I needed a hockey wish.

And finally, I hope that I have an impromptu running race against a handful of my in-laws who are roughly my age and I completely dominate them and leave them in shock at how wicked fast I am. Oh wait, that already happened. Yeah that's right.

Is it possible to not be angry when reading stories like this one?

A 13-year-old girl hugged two of her friends as they were parting ways from school for the weekend. Displays of affection are forbidden at her school, so she was disciplined with two days worth of detention. According to the school's handbook, "displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved." District Superintendent Sam McGowen said that he thinks the penalty is fair and that school administrators were following policy in the student handbook.

District Superintendent Sam McGowen is also a moron. And so is the teacher or student or para-pro or whomever it was that turned this girl in. I love that a district superintendent would use the "we're following our policy" crutch. Nevermind that the policy itself is vague. What is a display of affection? By definition, a smile would be. So would smiling at someone also be grounds for detention, or would that circumstance warrant some kind of critical or outside-the-box thinking?

Who are these people? Obviously they have way too much power for people with limited logic.

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan is on his way to prison for the next 6.5 years (probably much much less time than that) after being convicted of fraud in April of 2006. He will serve his time in a minimum security prison in Oxford, WI. The reason he’s going to prison in the first place is because he took bribes while operating as Illinois’ Secretary of State, which resulted in people getting their drivers licenses who shouldn’t have, as well as blah blah blah nobody cares anymore; it’s finally over.

A couple thoughts and then I’ll leave it alone:

1. He was convicted in April of 2006. It is currently November of 2007. What the hell?!?!

2. He will serve his time in a minimum security prison in Oxford, WI. People who have been to Oxford Prison have said it’s kind of like staying at a college dorm. No gates, no guards with guns. Just drunken frat parties and keggers. Okay maybe not, but almost. So why is he complaining about having to go? Who wouldn’t want to stay in all day, watch some television, work out, have food prepared for you 3 times a day, and play some cards? The man is 73 years old; that’s probably his daily routine now. The only change for him will be the clothes he has to wear and his wife won’t be there.

Seriously, what’s not to like?

[Editor's Note: This is not the official opinion of Brian. He was merely making a sarcastic observation regarding what Georgie's prison-life will be like. On the contrary, Brian loves his marriage and wouldn't give it up for anything. But ask him again when he's in his 70's]

- I remember when the trees would lose all of their leaves by Halloween. Now it seems like they’re not even starting to fall until November. Is this a real problem or am I remembering this wrong?

- There have now been two separate instances at work when I have tried to refer to Microsoft Outlook’s Appointment maker to a co-worker or customer and I called it Evite instead. It was just as embarrassing both times. I blame Sue.

- Everyone has that friend who somehow manages to send out at least 1 different Evite every week. Sue is mine. There’s no way there could be that many things to do.

- I don’t think it’s possible for a crazy person to put razor blades in their apples at Halloween anymore. They’d be the only sonofabitch who was handing out frigging apples, so there’d be no way to get away with it.

- *Uh, Mister? This apple you gave me had a friggin razor blade in it.* *That wasn’t me.* *Uh, yes it was. You’re the only sonofabitch who put a friggin apple in my bag and when I got home it had a friggin razor blade in it.* *Hmm, are you sure?*

- See? That didn’t work.

- If I was a tornado intent on causing as much death and destruction as possible, I’d blow into town on Tuesday morning while the sirens are being tested.

- It’s good to be back. Maybe not for you.

Gruss dich mein freunden und vie gehts?

I'm not even sure if that's right, but I tried. That's what 2 years of German 14 years ago will do for you; absolutely nothing.

Sorry for the lack of material the past week. My computer has been broken and Greg has been busy preparing for the next bio-dome project. The good news is that my computer is fixed, and Greg's bio-dome project is running right on schedule.

No, that's not true; I was only kidding. My computer wasn't broke. The truth is I was out of town. But now I'm back and better than ever. Or at least as good as before. Or maybe worse. Yeah, probably much much worse.

I have just one story to share with you as I get back into the swing of things [what does that phrase even mean 'back into the swing'? What swing? Like a swing in baseball? Or a playground swing? Or swing dancing? What's the past tense of swing dancing? Is it swing danced or swung danced? I think it should be swing dunced. Okay, my story]. Halloween night, this little boy who came to our door combined trick-or-treating with fund-raising. After we gave him some candy, he handed us a sheet with a bunch of crap that he was selling for school. So not only did he hit us up for a snickers bar, but he also hit us up for an $8 box of chocolate that we'll probably never see. No joke. This kid went up and down the block with a bag of candy in one hand and a fund-raising catalog in the other. He may be a genius, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

The ultimate "my bad". It is now being reported that a young boy playing with matches is responsible for one of the fires that destroyed 38,000 acres and 21 homes in California.

Doesn't everyone have that relative (or perhaps it's themselves) who did something stupid as a kid and the whole family still brings it up, but it's kind of laughed about now? My uncle Bob set their basement on fire. I'm sure Grandpa was pissed at the time. My uncle Ken cut a girl's ponytail off as she was sitting in front of him in bible school. That was pretty dumb.

But neither of those can compare to what this kid will be able to talk about when he gets older. Where does he go from here? What kind of encore can he possibly come up with in the remainder of his life that could possibly beat out "One time, I burned down 38,000 acres of land and caused billions of dollars in damages and probably killed some people"?

I can't be the only person to recognize the coincidence that this guy's lawyer's name is B.J., can I be?

On a personal note, it's about time he was released. This story made no sense from the very beginning.

[Editors Note: Greg will promptly mail a fake check in the amount of $100 to the person who can correctly identify the reference in this blog title]

Red red wine you make me feel so fine
You keep me rocking all of the time

In 1916, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox won the World Series.

In 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox made it to the World Series, but lost on purpose in order to collect money from gamblers.

In 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year, the White Sox won the World Series.

In 2007, the Red Sox won the World Series. The very next year......I can hope.

And yes, at this point, I would even accept the 1919 version. Hey, at least they got there.

Ok, class. You've got all weekend to get this memorized!

Break me off a piece of that Chrysler Car.
Break me off a piece of that Snickers Bar.
Break me off a piece of that Applesauce.
Break me off a piece of that Football Cream.
Break me off a piece of that Lumber Tar.
Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast.

It's the cat food! Nailed it!

Maybe a mindless time-waster will help pass the time.

I like the phrase "threw him under the bus." It's just such a beautifully violent way to describe what is essentially being a tattle tale. You hear it a lot, too. It seems like we'd think it would be overused but it still hasn't lost its panache. Usually a turn of phrase like that gets old after hearing it two or three times. Not this one. "Threw him under the bus" has defied the laws of the American lexicon.

Now that I think about it, I think that "turn of phrase" has become a little outdated, ironically enough.

Has anyone ever actually said the interjection "Egads!" out loud? Of course, I mean besides reading it out loud from an Archie comic.

Tropical Starbursts are way better than the original Starbursts. Tropical Starbursts are the Dick Sargent of the Starburst family.

Have you seen the commercials for Space Bag? I love that product. I wonder if they make them to transport household pets.

I think "mail-in rebate" is another way to say "subtracting money you will never ever see but you can use this lower price to help you convince your wife that you can actually afford this."

And just because I can....
Soulja Boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat hoe
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy

The World Series is here. Do you care yet? Will you ever care? Well I do so you're gonna have to put up with my baseball thoughts for the next few days. Or at least right now.

- I am looking forward to this series. I can't wait to see how the Red Sox do against Todd Helton's team.

- One thing that bothers me every year - we've beaten this "DH vs no DH" thing to death, but during interleague play and the World Series, the topic always pops back up again. For the American League teams, their DH is usually one of their best hitters. So how is it not putting them at an unfair disadvantage by taking away their DH in the games hosted by the NL team? What other sport has two different sets of rules between the two leagues? It would be like in the NBA when the Spurs make it to the finals again, the Eastern Conference decides that centers are no longer allowed to play so Tim Duncan would have to sit.

- Hmm, on second thought, that could work.

- I can't take much more of Dane Cook. What happened to that guy? Within three years or so, he has gone from being the comedian everybody loved to the guy everybody wants to punch square in the face.

- I don't like wind chimes. I guess they're supposed to have a soothing sound or something, but I find them to be pretty annoying.

- Hey, how'd that Random get in here?

- Game 7 is scheduled to be played on November 1st. In Boston. Right around the time when it's starting to get cold. Especially at night when the temperatures have been dropping into the 30's and 40's. That was pretty good thinking.

- I like when newspaper columnists and sportswriters are forced to give their predictions for how the series will turn out, and then they're forced to argue their pick. I don't want to get into a discussion about sample sizes and baseball odds, but the best team doesn't always win. Why have they not figured this out yet?

- My prediction - Red Sox in 5. And anyone who disagrees with me is obviously a moron.

If I had a quarter for every time a pack of wild elephants wandered into my neighborhood, drank all of my beer, got drunk, took out some power lines, and in the process electrocuted themselves to death...well I'd be broke.

Oddly enough, these people would have 50 cents.

If somebody had told you that Lance Bass would be writing a book about his exploits as a member of N'Sync, how much money would you have been willing to bet that the title of that book would be something lame and obvious like "Out of Sync"? A thousand dollars? Two thousand? A million? Personally, I would have went with a title like the one I used for this blog entry, but I'm also an idiot. But if you would have bet on Lance taking the safe route with the lame and uninspiring "Out of Sync", you would have won.

Unfortunately, there's no word yet on a scheduled release date for Britney Spears' book titled "Oops I did it again".

Or Michael Jackson's book titled "Black or White?" <----with a question mark

We'll all look forward to those though.

Book titles that didn't make the cut for this blog:
- "Mmm-Stop" by Hanson
- "Too Broke to Quit" by MC Hammer
- "My Aiken [Bleep]" by Clay Aiken

When people cannot separate the views of a Presidential candidate with the views of their friends. A gay rights group on Monday urged Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama to cut ties with gospel singer Donnie McClurkin, who the gay rights group says spreads false information about gays and lesbians.

McClurkin said he does not believe in discriminating against homosexuals. ‘‘What people do in their bedrooms and who they are as human beings are two different things,’’ he said. But he also added that he “does not believe that [gay marriage] is the intention of God”.

Okay, fair enough.

Barack Obama has invited McClurkin to perform on his campaign concert tour.

Because he’s a gospel singer.

And because he’s a friend.

And because he’s really good at what he does and has won multiple Grammys.

Not because of his views on gay marriage.

Why can’t people separate the two things? It’s not like he’s inviting Hitler on stage.

You know what else grinds my gears? People who still use Hitler as their go-to antagonist by saying things like "it’s not like he’s inviting Hitler on stage". Can’t we find a better example than a guy who’s been dead for 60 years? I vote that we start using Joe Morgan.

[Editor's note: Brian was able to use 6 different previously-used labels for this post, a modern record for 1HappySt. Some might argue (and would probably be right) that his whole reasoning for this nonsense blog today was to use as many labels as possible. Rumor has it that Brian's only regret with today's entry was that he was not able to use 'ridiculous afro'. Wait, does Donnie McClurkin have one?]

In a headline that sounds randomly generated, we learn today that James Lipton, the host of Inside the Actors' Studio, was a pimp in France.

I guess we now know what HIS favorite curse word is!

That story is a delight!

Click here:

Stupid? check
A waste of time? check
Mildly amusing? check+

J.K. Rowling revealed on Friday during an interview at Carnegie Hall that everyone's favorite wizard Albus Dumbledor is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I love this quote from Melissa Anelli, webmaster of the fan site "the leaky cauldron": "Rowling calling any Harry Potter character gay would make wonderful strides in tolerance toward homosexuality. By dubbing someone so respected, so talented and so kind, as someone who just happens to be also homosexual, she's reinforcing the idea that a person's gayness is not something of which they should be ashamed."

Dumbledor is not a real person, is he?

Real or not, who can blame him for not being able to resist the charm of Grindelwald? Talk about a heart-breaker.

And yes, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

- I am a little bit embarrassed to admit that I like the new Arby’s turkey club sandwich. I tried it, liked it, and have gone back to get it again. Yeah I know. Friggin' Arby’s.

- Speaking of Arby’s, what’s with the 16 different value menu items? When does it end? One of these days, I want to order the #37 with a Coke.

- I wonder what Sean Anderson is up to. I’m guessing he’s either in prison or a model family man.

- Taking candy from a baby is kind of a #ick move if you ask me. Why’d you give it to them in the first place if you planned on taking it back?

- Sean Anderson was a childhood friend who knew way too much about way too many things way too early in life. We all had one of those; Sean was mine. I wonder what he did with all those magazines.

- [generic funny Random that I cannot think of right now].

- You can tell a lot about a person if they like Heidi better than LC. You can tell even more about a person if they know who Heidi and LC are. I admit nothing. Spencer's a moron. I kind of miss The Miz. I need to divorce Jill.

- If I leave my house at exactly 7:00, I’ll make it to work with plenty of time to spare. But if I leave at 7:01, I’ll be 10 minutes late. What’s that about?

- Fifteen words I hope are never spoken by the General Manager of my favorite baseball team: "Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce you to our new manager, Dusty Baker."

- Good luck Reds fans. And Adam Dunn.

- I have a couple Yankee Candle scent ideas that I think would be a big hit amongst the guys: how about pot roast? Have you ever walked into a house where pot roast was cooking? Mmmm. It’s the best. Well the second best. The best scent would be barbeque ribs. You show me a guy who can resist the sweet smell of barbeque ribs, and I’ll show you a guy who…..well something derogatory that challenges his manhood.

- Then again, this is coming from a guy who knows about Heidi and Lauren.

- Okay I'm ending this. Enjoy the final hour-long episode of "The Office" tonight.

The following is an actual phone conversation I just had with a guy I work with named Bill:

Bill: "Hey Brian, you said yesterday that you were going to send me a meeting notice with the bridge information. Are you still working on putting that together?"

Brian: "I did that already. You accepted it."

[10 second pause]

Bill: "Oh you know what? I have my outlook set up to where it automatically accepts invites and then sends it to my deleted folder. Yeah never mind, I got it. I'll be there."

Brian: "Okay, did you need anything else?"

Bill: "No that's it. I'll talk to you on the bridge. Thanks."