1 Happy St

I just got an email solicitation from Sears that said "make Dad feel rad this Father's Day". With a hook like that, you can pretty much bet there's no way I'd ever buy whatever it is they're selling.

The Perfect Plan - courtesy of Daniel Kuch

Daniel: "Man I don't want to go to work tomorrow."

Daniel's friend: "Why not?"

Daniel: "I don't know. It just sucks, ya know? Boss has been ridin' me. Plus I got that drug test comin' up and there's no way I'm passin' that son'bitch."

Daniel's friend: "I hear that. You could call in sick. That's what I do......Uh, you wanna pass that already?"

Daniel: "Nah, I can't call in sick again. Boss already said I do that one more time I'm outta there.......WAIT! I got it! You can shoot me in the shoulder."

Daniel's friend: "Okay now you're trippin'."

Daniel: "Trippin'? Who says trippin'? No for real, this'll work. You shoot me in the shoulder, I'll have to go to the hospital, boom! I don't have to go in."

Daniel's friend: "I ain't doin' that."

Daniel: "If you want this joint back you will."

Daniel's friend: "A'aight where's the gun?"

It's a good thing that Amerigo Vespucci's name wasn't something like "Darren".

Is there anything one can usurp other than authority?

I am habitually blaming my inclinations on my predispositions.

Every year at this time, Arby's sells glasses. They don't have a logo or advertisement on them. They're just glasses. I don't have a joke here. I just don't get it.

Often we have product names derive generic terms from the original brand. For example, geezers will often call a refigerator a "Frigidaire" regardless of the name brand.

I can understand this, but I have always wondered why you never see it the other way around. Why aren't there more brand names derived from generic terms. If I owned company that made beer, I'd call it "Cold One".

Taking this even further, products could be named after what they are. "When you're at The Store, why don't you pick up Some Eggs." You'd never have to advertise! Anyone have any other ideas?

You know what really grinds my gears? When Major League Baseball teams feel the need to have pre-pubescent boys do public address announcing for an inning. I've heard it all around the league. It's already a fad. It will only be a matter of time before it's a craze. Then, before you know it, it will be an epidemic.

For anyone who has been lucky enough not to notice what I'm talking about yet, MLB franchises have inexplicably begun turning the PA mic over to a "lucky kid" for one inning. Sure, its a great experience for the kid but the rest of us are forced to listen to this 8 year old mispronounce the name "Aurelia" in a pitch so high that only Daryl Hannah can understand.

I can't for the life of me comprehend what the marketing directors from (seemingly) every baseball team are thinking. Is there anyone who scans their pocket schedule for "Bleed From the Ears Night"? I can't imagine that this is a part of the game that anyone looks forward to (except or course Timmy and Timmy's mom).

I've come up with a short list of other things we can do to put the kids to work besides assaulting our eardrums. Let me know what you think.

• Shag balls during batting practice
• Challenge various opposing pitchers to milk-drinking contests
• Catch squirrels
• Reload the fireworks after homeruns
• Teach Michael Barrett how to punch
  
• Three words: "Hey, beer kid!"