1 Happy St

I love this story:
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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed. Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.
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It's funny because I always thought that song was actually about giving someone CPR.

Hey don't you wonder which song provides the best rhythm for sex? Surely it can't be anything by The Ramones, right?

[Edit: I hate being a joke explainer, but that might not make any sense. Songs by The Ramones are famous for being very fast and very short. Eh.]

Via here:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charging an extra $3 to pour cheese topping into a bag of Fritos recently led to a scuffle at a Tinley Park gas station.

At about 6:16 a.m. Friday, Darryl Lust Jr., 25, was waiting in line at a Speedway to buy a can of ice tea and bag of Fritos oozing with cheese. When the manager told him he'd have to pay a few more bucks for the topping, Lust wouldn't say whether he was willing to foot the extra cash, according to a police report. The manager then threw Lust's creation in the garbage.
That's when Lust knocked over the can of ice tea toward the manager, who came around the counter toward Lust to calm him down, police said.

The manager told police Lust pushed him to the ground and got on top of him. Another man at Speedway subdued Lust by using the wrestling move called a half Nelson until police arrived. Lust told police he never had to pay extra money for cheese at other gas stations and thought the manager was singling him out.

Police charged him with battery and disorderly conduct. He's due in a Joliet courtroom Oct. 8.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Half nelson's, Frito's oozing with cheese, disorderly conduct charges......

Wait, FRITO'S OOZING WITH CHEESE?!?!?!?

Darryl Lust Jr. shouldn't be getting arrested. He should be getting an award for creating a snack food that sounds like a small slice of heaven. I have to admit, it takes some balls to grab a bag of Frito's from the shelf, open up that son-bitch right there in the store, then take some melted cheese and pour it in the bag. But the man should be celebrated for it, not arrested.

This kind of story doesn't come around all that often.
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DALLAS -- A robber rolled into a convenience store armed with a bat and knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas 7-Eleven Wednesday afternoon, rolled straight toward the cash register and beat it with a baseball bat until it opened.

But he didn't grab any cash. Instead, police say he stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway.

Janse says the suspect may have been homeless and was likely intoxicated at the time of the robbery.
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Are you funny enough to add a joke here? 'Cause I'm not.

From this article:
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A man took offense to a motorist, who, after getting him to roll down his window, asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" After hearing the request for Dijon mustard, the 22-year-old driver pulled a black handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car.

"Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your [expletive] windows up," he responded.

The confrontation happened June 18 at the intersection of 900 East and Winchester Street (6500 South) in Murray, court documents state. One of the three people in the car wrote down the sport utility vehicle's license plate number. Murray police later located the man, who admitted he pulled out the gun, racked the slide and threaten the other car. He was charged Tuesday with aggravated assault, a third-degree felony.
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Arrested Man: "Your Honor, they were referencing a bit of pop culture from nearly 20 years ago. They deserved to have a gun pulled on them, if not be shot at."

Judge: "Excellent point. Case dismissed."

From AOL Fanhouse:

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It's going to be an embarrassing day at the office for people who get their news from the Christian web site One News Now. The water cooler conversation about sports is going to get awkward when they say, "Did you see the record set by Tyson Homosexual?"

Yes, One News Now, which describes itself as providing "your latest news from a Christian perspective," calls the Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay "Tyson Homosexual."

Jim Buzinski of Outsports explains that the site has set a filter to change the word "gay" to "homosexual," and they don't bother to look at the context of the story before applying the filter. And that's how Gay became Homosexual.

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I will never stop reading crap on the Internet for fear that I'll miss a good story like this one.

Yowza!

SAO PAULO, Brazil - Officials in northeastern Brazil say they confiscated the equivalent of more than $170,000 and two pistols from an imprisoned drug trafficker whose jail cell was equipped with a plasma TV set, a refrigerator and gym equipment.

Jose Francisco Leite, head of the state of Bahia's Prison Affairs Department, said the "posh prison life" Genilson Lins da Silva led came to an abrupt end on Monday when police raided his cell as part of a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking.

Leite said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.

They raided his cell? Like with guns blazing and stuff? Why not just walk up to him from the other side of the bars and say something like "yo Silva, up against the wall"? Instead, it sounds more like they arrested him. While he was in jail. I'm so confused.

Cops: Nude maid is a thief

TAMPA - A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man's home. The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home.

Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.

When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom.

Police are investigating.

Oh there's gotta be more to this.

NOTE TO SELF: When Jill takes a vacation BY HERSELF and leaves me home alone, do NOT hire a nude maid off the Internet.

This morning I saw a headline on the front page of Fox News that said "oil shoots up to $125 a barrel on weakening dollar". An hour later, I saw a headline on the front page of Fox News that said "oil shoots up to $126 a barrel on weakening dollar."

I should stop clicking on Fox News.

Oh wait, no I shouldn't. Because then I wouldn't be able to read stories like this one.

Stoner 1: "I got a plan."
Stoner 2: "Yo Man......."
Stoner 1: "Yo Man what?"
Stoner 2: "I don't know."
Stoner 1: "Shut up, you wanna hear it?"
Stoner 2: [laughter]
Stoner 1: "Okay so we dig up a corpse."
Stoner 2: "Yo Man."
Stoner 1: "Yo Man what? Shut up already. So we dig up a corpse and we steal the skull."
Stoner 2: "Can we stop at 7-11 first?"
Stoner 1: "Yeah whatever. So we steal the skull and we make a bong out of it."
Stoner 2: [laughter]
Stoner 1: "Then we come back here and we smoke this."
Stoner 2: "You had me at dig up a corpse."

Aren't you glad I figured out a way to use the cliche'd Jerry Maguire line once more?

Dude 1 thought that Dude 2 stole his Playstation.
"Gimme back my Playstation you son-bitch!"
Dude 2 said he didn't do it.
"I idn't steal shit."
Dude 1 didn't believe him.
"I ain't buyin' it. You better give it back."
Dude 2 didn't give it back. So Dude 1 shot Dude 2.
"Take that you son-bitch!"
Now Dude 2 is dead and Dude 1 is on the run.

Money line within that story comes from Dude 2's girlfriend, who reminisces about her dead friend, saying they used to go to mud holes together and, on purpose, drive in deep enough to get stuck. When they were kids, they threw firecrackers at cars on the Fourth of July.

Ah, memories. You gotta love the deep south. Or no you don't.

h/t TBL

From The Daily Herald (h/t TBL):

A teacher at Mt. Nebo Junior High School...was arrested on Monday and
charged with having sexual relations with a 16-year-old boy who was not her
student. Her husband was charged with threatening them both with a
handgun.

According to court documents, 32-year-old Jennifer Candida Gonzales
contacted Payson police and told them her husband pointed a 9mm handgun at her and threatened to kill her after he caught her cheating on him with a
16-year-old boy. He also pointed his gun at the teen and told him to get out of
the house, she told police.

Gonzales's husband, 31-year-old Richard Gonzales, admitted to the
allegations, court documents said. The couple lives in Payson.

According to court documents, Richard Gonzales came home early from work
and found his wife and the teen downstairs with candles and oils. He told police
he saw the teen run into a bathroom while pulling his pants up. His wife, who
was topless, pulled her pants up as well, he told police.

This story would be a lot better if the 16-year-old boy was there to deliver pizza's. There's a chance nobody will know what I'm talking about right now. The blog title may give it away. Or maybe not.

I have no doubt that the headline writer for this story had a blast writing it. I totally would have added the word "prosthetic" to it though. I mean if you're gonna go crazy with a headline, go all the way with it.

h/t The Donald

Woman goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

I read that headline here.

My 1st thought when reading that headline was "that can't be accurate."
My 2nd thought was "I should probably read that story because it sounds funny."
My 3rd thought was "I wonder where I should go for lunch today; I'm getting hungry."
My 4th thought was "hey, weren't you about to read that anus story?"
My 5th thought was "holy crap, that headline was accurate."

Some people call this an unbelievable story. I call this "Tuesday".

h/t TBL

This story is already a day old, so there's a good chance you've read it already or seen it on the news. But if not, I'll recap as best I can. I'm still not even sure I understand all of it since the story itself asks as many questions as it answers, but here goes:

You know what? Never mind. I don't have the strength to type my own thoughts on this thing. Read it for yourself. The whole situation is insane.

Bonus to whomever knows the movie quote that inspired this blog title.

h/t Conti

This story is great. A mother of 4 has been charged with sex acts on 2 minors, ages 15 and 16. The 2 minors are friends of the woman's teenage son. The woman also has 3 other children and her husband is the local police chief.

First of all, I'd like to thank my mom for not embarrassing me like this. I remember back when I was in school, she wouldn't let me quit the band even though band was for losers and I didn't consider myself to be a loser at the time but I still got made fun of daily by everyone in my grade except for Shaun but that's only because Shaun was the only other kid my age who was also in the band and he no doubt hated his mom too for making him go to band every day just like me. But the embarrassment from having to play in the band (which by the way I'm still pissed at myself for not continuing after I finished school) is nowhere near the embarrassment this poor kid is going through right now for being known as the kid whose mom puts out. So thanks Mom.

Second of all, check out the last line of the story. The woman's lawyer, Gerard Damiani, is asking the judge to free her from jail without bail because "her character has never been questioned except for these allegations."

Except for these allegations. Your Honor, if you ignore that she had sex with a couple of kids, she's really top notch. Classic.

If I had a quarter for every time a pack of wild elephants wandered into my neighborhood, drank all of my beer, got drunk, took out some power lines, and in the process electrocuted themselves to death...well I'd be broke.

Oddly enough, these people would have 50 cents.

I've read this story a couple times now and I still don't think I understand it. Can somebody please help me out here? Here's what it sounds like:

A man named John Wood is involved in a plane crash and has to have his leg amputated. He asks the doctors if he can keep the severed limb so that when he dies he can be buried with it. The doctors oblige. Fast-forward. Financial troubles cause Wood to lose his house, so he rents a storage locker for all of his possessions. To save space (perhaps?), he puts his amputated leg in a smoker (perfectly reasonable). Fast-forward again. He misses some payments on the storage locker, so the facility auctions off his possessions, including the smoker, which unbeknownst to the auctioneers, contains a severed leg inside.

Hey, maybe we should open that smoker to see if there's anything inside it.

Nah, let's start the auction.

So the smoker (and leg) gets purchased by a man named Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant gets the thing home, opens it up, and OHMYGOD THERE'S A FRIGGIN LEG IN HERE!

Here's where the story gets shady.

Right, it's not shady yet.

Whisnant calls the police, the police determine that the severed leg was not put there as a result of foul play (how the hell did they determine that?), and it is then handed over to a funeral home. However, being the entrepreneur that he is, Whisnant has a change of heart.

Is there any way to profit off of this thing? Of course there is. People will come from all over the globe to see a real severed leg on display. And I'm sure they'll pay admission too. It's almost too perfect.

Whisnant consults with an attorney to try and get the leg back so that he can charge people to view it. Of course the law sides with Wood because it's his friggin leg. So Whisnant tries to persuade Wood to share it.

C'mon Man, you can have it during the week, I'll get it on weekends and holidays. We'll make millions! Or at least hundreds.

Wood wants no part of that, saying "I don't mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I'm not looking to really profit off this thing."

Admirable.

Courtesy of a friend of mine. No commentary is necessary.