1 Happy St

I waited in line to see Sex and the City at midnight last night*, but it was all sold out. Fortunately this gave me a chance to read Roger Ebert's review of it beforehand. Perhaps this passage from his column that I will paste here in italics will be enough to sell you on the fact that there's no possible way this movie can suck horribly**: ...dramatic developments cause the four women to join one another at a luxurious Mexican resort, where two scenes take place that left me polishing my pencils to write this review. The girls go sunbathing in crotch-hugging swimsuits, and Miranda is ridiculed for the luxuriant growth of her pubic hair. How luxuriant? One of her pals describes it as “The National Forest,” and there’s a shot of the offending proliferation that popped the Smith Bros. right into my head.

* A complete lie.
** Sarcasm.

At this point, I'm tempted to ask you to just read Roger's entire column. Because his next paragraph completely sold me*, again in italics. A little later, Charlotte develops a tragic case of turista and has a noisy accident right there in her pants. This is a key moment, because Carrie has been so depressed she has wondered if she will ever laugh again. Her friends say that will happen when something really, really funny happens. When Charlotte overflows, Carrie and the others burst into helpless laughter. Something really, really funny has finally happened! How about you? Would you think that was really, really funny?

Please forgive me for not previously knowing what the word 'turista' meant. I had an idea based on the words that Roger typed following it. But I also had my doubts because yeah, in my head, that's gross and entirely unfunny. Unfortunately, it means exactly what I thought. Hence, grossness and entire unfunniness.

* Another complete lie. Or sarcasm. Your pick really.

So I guess the questions beg to be asked: Who are the people that are helping this movie sell out at every theater? And who can fill in for me when Jill asks me to go?

[Editor's Note: Don't let him fool you. Brian totally wants to see this movie]

Awesome. I need more. Like close-ups and back-stories. Actually, I just wanted to use the Amazon label again with it being the real Amazon.

Person A: "Is it true that the Cubs are the best team in baseball?"
Person B: "They have the best record."
Person A: "I saw this license plate that said 'THIS YEAR' on it. That's a true fan there."
Person B: "That's too many letters."
Person A: "True fan."

Maybe that's not all that funny to you, but it is to me. Don't worry, I'll have more for you later.

I've received some negative feedback from this. Apparently that post gives off a sexist vibe. Upon review, I could see how someone would reach that conclusion. And honestly, that's not what I'm about. And I don't want to offend anyone. So I think the only way to remedy this is to give the women what they want, which is representation from one of the guys. I apologize; I should have done that in the very beginning.

Never tell someone on the way to the free clinic to "think positive."

I only like white rice. Does that make me a ricist?

I wish my name was something more memorable..... like 'Amnesia'.

Or maybe I'll just change my last name to 'Something'.

"What's his name again?
"Greg ...something."
"Yeah, that's it!"

The number 1 pencil in the world is the number 2 pencil. That's confusing.

And why do they ever put anything other than pink erasers on a pencil? No other color eraser ever works. In fact, some other erasers are pretty much just like crayons, so instead of erasing the error, you've only highlighted it with orange or blue "eraser" markings.

Cheerios are shaped like O's. Froot Loops are shaped like loops. Then why "Apple Jacks"?

I used to know an idiot savant that had Tourette's Syndrome. That kid was fucking brilliant.

ESPN is reporting that the Chicago Bulls will announce Doug Collins as their new next head coach.

Some of our older readers may remember that Doug Collins had coached the Bulls back in the 80's (yes, the 1980's) before they started hanging banners from the ceiling (and presumably before the invention of the shot clock and plexiglass backboards).

Collins was fired by the Bulls following the '88-'89 season, and replaced by the great Phil Jackson who led the team to 6 NBA championships. Why the Bulls think Collins will be a better fit for the team 20 years later remains a mystery. But I say why stop there? They should try to get more of that team back. Are you telling me Charles Oakley is busy?

Cops: Nude maid is a thief

TAMPA - A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man's home. The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home.

Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.

When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom.

Police are investigating.

Oh there's gotta be more to this.

NOTE TO SELF: When Jill takes a vacation BY HERSELF and leaves me home alone, do NOT hire a nude maid off the Internet.

Photos: Kim Cattrall of 'Sex and the City'

Today we read that Derby and Preakness winner Big Brown galloped 9 furlongs earlier this morning, this coming less than a week after he was diagnosed with a crack in his left foot. Now I understand that this horse has a chance at the first triple crown since who the fuck cares, but is this going to be one of those Barbaro-type situations where we get up-to-the-minute health updates from now until the Belmont? I mean it's a friggin horse! Push on I say.

Quick aside: I just thought of a funny Barbaro joke. I'm a year or two late, but I think it's funny. Well it's a groaner, which to me is funny. Maybe I should switch it from Barbaro to Eight Belles to keep it more current. Yeah I'll do that.

Eight Belles' handlers are all gathered around, wondering whether or not to put her down. The lead trainer suggests they put it to a vote.
Lead Trainer: "All those in favor of putting her down, say aye."
Trainer #2: "Aye"
Owner: "Aye"
Eight Belles: "Neigh"

Oh come on, that's funny.

MLB is talking about adding instant replay for HR calls. I guess it would be similar to what the NFL does when it looks like the referee gets a call wrong; the manager will challenge the ruling and the ump will review the video in order to get the call correct. Some people, like ESPN's Douche Morgan, feel that having instant replay in baseball is a bad idea. His argument (re-typed by me with his typos and grammatical errors removed for clarity) is as follows: I do not think you* can have replays because you** would use it too much. There has been talk of using it for HR in the 8th or 9th inning, but that is not fair because often the winning HRs are hit earlier in the game. Replay would slow the game down more, so I think we will just have to live with the decisions of the umpires.

* By "you", he means MLB.
** By "you", he means the managers of baseball teams.

Okay, so to his first point: "you" would use it too much. Brian's simple solution: "We" put a limit on how many times it can be used. And honestly, how many times per season is a HR not clearly a HR? Out of the thousand games each year, does this happen more than 10 times a season? I would be shocked if it does.

To his second point: There has been talk of using it for HR in the 8th or 9th inning, but that is not fair because often the winning HRs are hit earlier in the game. Brian's take: This is valid. Make them challengable (is that a word?) the entire game.

To his third point: Replay would slow the game down more. Brian's response: Moronic, and I will prove so with a hypothetical that actually happened, meaning it's not really a hypothetical. Let's say Joe Crede hits a HR inside the fair pole, but the umpire rules it a foul ball. Crazy Bones will be in the White Sox dugout and he will see that it was indeed a HR, so he will come out and begin to argue with the umpire that ruled it foul. He will continue to argue for 4 or 5 minutes until he gets ejected. Then he will grab ahold of 3rd base and throw it into the outfield. Now tell me, what will take more time: Crazy Bones and his arguing, or the review of a call to get it right?

To a fourth point that Joe didn't make, but I hear others making: Where will it end? If they start reviewing HR calls, what's to stop them from reviewing other things? Brian's response: Uh, they make it a rule that only HR calls are reviewable. Seems pretty straight-forward there. Or, better yet, just get rid of umpires altogether. Who needs 'em? I can play a pickup baseball game with a dozen or so of my friends without the benefit of any umpires, and we would get along just fine. MLB will have the benefit of replay if something is questionable.

Radical? Yes. Logical?

Probably not.

Embattled Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick may have outdone himself. Under pressure to leave office in the midst of a sex scandal and felony charges of misconduct of office, obstruction of justice, purgery and conspiracy (among others), Kilpatrick has so far ignored all requests to step down.

The Detroit city council recently passed a resolution urging Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm to remove him from office. Mayor Kilpatrick's response? He vetoed the resolution. Isn't that awesome?

"We vote to remove you!"
"Veto."

Since it was a non-binding resolution that simply requested the action of the Governor, it is clear that he didn't have the legal authority to veto anything, prompting Council attorney Bill Goodman to call Kilpatrick "brainless". But you have to applaud the effort. What a douche!

From MSN Money:

The company at the bottom of the customer-service heap is Time Warner's AOL. A remarkable 47% of people who had an opinion of AOL's customer service said it was "poor." Analysts said that rating may have something to do with its effort to transition from an Internet service provider -- where it still has more than 9.3 million paying subscribers -- to an ad-supported Web portal.

"I don't know what to attribute that to," AOL spokeswoman Dori Salcido said. "I just do know that we continue to improve customer service; that's sort of our goal."

Dori's Boss: "Hey Dori, do you want to respond to MSN Money's poll that says our customer service sucks?"

Dori: "Hmmm. I don't think I'm really qualified to speak on the record about something like that. I just answer phones around here."

Dori's Boss: "Don't worry about it. Just tell them that you're not sure why we suck, but we're trying to improve."

Dori: "You're the boss."

Here's something that has always bugged me. How does the movie Career Opportunities get made after the movie Mannequin? I mean essentially they are the same movie.

• Geeky ne'er-do-well lands overnight job in a department store.
• Said ne'er-do-well somehow gets incredibly hot woman to fall for him.
• Hilarity ensues

What I want to know is how that pitch meeting went...

"Ok, I have an idea for a movie. It's like Mannequin, except the hot girl isn't a mannequin."
"I love it!"

Sure the box office figures won't back me up on this but I actually think that Career Opportunities was the better movie. Hear me out...

1. Frank Whaley vs. Andrew McCarthy - Push. Both of them suck. Although Whaley did play a young "Moonlight" Graham in Field of Dreams so if I had to choose...
2. Jennifer Connelly vs. Kim Cattrall - Connelly by a mile! She's gone on to win an Oscar for cry eye! And one can't help but think that we would have all been spared the Botox-injected train wreck that is Cattrall in her 50s (or is it 60s?) if Mannequin never happens. Hell, she didn't even play the Mannequin for half the movie! They could have made a wooden statue of Jennifer Connelly and killed two birds with one stone!
3. Target vs. Prince & Co. - Advantage Target, though I probably would have went with Prince & Co. if I was in the market for a pipe organ or hang glider.
4. Supporting Cast - I'll give this round to Mannequin. You just can't beat a flamboyantly gay James Spader and the guy that played Capt. Harris in the Police Academy movies. The Hollywood Montrose character was very memorable too. As for Career Opportunities, the cameo by John Candy was a nice surprise and I'm sure Dermot Mulroney is sure to list that film at the top of his resume too.
5. Plot - It's pretty ridiculous to discuss plot since both of these movies were pretty awful. But frankly, I found it more believable that the chronic screw-up in Career Opportunities continued to be a screw-up when he took his job, compared to the dumbass in Mannequin that suddenly saw the err of his ways and straightened out. I say once a screw-up, always a screw-up!
   

Overall, its clear that Career Opportunities was the better movie.

Speaking in New Mexico yesterday, Barack Obama left some scratching their heads at this line...

On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.

Clearly he was referring to the veterans in the audience and not the war dead for whom we celebrate Memorial Day. It was an honest mistake but it still made me laugh.

Every time I hear that a movie is based on a comic book, I immediately pass judgment on it and check it off of my list of movies that I want to see. Then when the weekend is over, I'll read that the movie based on the comic book placed #1 at the box office. And then I get confused.

Are there really that many people that enjoy comic books? X-Men? Blade? The Incredible Hulk (twice)? Iron Man? The Fantastic Four? Now I'm not saying comic books are a waste of time, but I will say that there's a lot of better ways to spend your time. Okay so I guess I am saying that comic books are a waste of time.

Unlike watching sports. And blogging.

Him: "Yeah so I was emailing back and forth with Todd. You remember Todd that guy I used to work with? So he emails me and says that Amy gave her notice and today's her last day. I email him back with something like 'oh that sucks. I always wanted to bang her'. I wasn't even being serious. Even in my head, I was using the Kevin voice from The Office."

Me: "I'm following. Go on."

Him: "So we continue to email back and forth. He's telling me about his stuff and I'm telling him about mine. Then he invites me and [my wife] to go out for drinks one weekend."

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "So I forward the email to [my wife] with a note that says 'you wanna hang out with Todd?' or something like that, completely forgetting that earlier in the email, there's a message from me saying that I want to bang this Amy girl."

Me: "Holy crap. Yeah keep going."

Him: "So of course the wife reads the whole thing starting from the bottom, calls me up and says 'so who's this Amy?' And now she's all pissed at me."

Me: "That is too brilliant. Can I blog this?"

Him: "Yeah that's fine."

[Full disclosure: He was drunk when he gave me permission.]

Molly wants you to know about this. I'm excited if only because there's a character on the show named Dixon Mills. Why they didn't make his last name Cider, I will never understand. Then again, if there's another character on the show named Mills, then it still works so count me in. And yes, I'm that easy to please. That's what SHE said.

This video (h/t Extra Mustard) made me LOL like 3 or 4 times. Bravo to these guys whomever they are. Sometimes I wish I had an editing machine. And a camera. And friends who wouldn't mind being in a low-budget video. And a funny idea. Thank goodness for youtube.

Also courtesy of Extra Mustard comes this. I believe this could be reason #1 why I will never set foot in any part of Asia. That and dysentery.

This is how ESPN.com describes NBA prospect OJ Mayo:

Is an excellent penetrator, has deep range, and is a good finisher.

Okay so there's no way the person who wrote that did it without laughing, is there?

A co-worker of mine was talking to someone on the phone. He says:

"We could be dealing with apples and oranges, and those are two different things."

And later, that same guy:

"Yeah they fixed it but it's still not working."

All this time I've been working with Yogi Berra and didn't even realize it.

Jill and I were watching the finale of American Idol on delay last night. By the end of the show, I think we were about 10 or 15 minutes behind the live version. So right as they were coming back from the last commercial break, Jill got a text from a co-worker that said "David Cook YAY!!!!!!!!!"

Son of a.........

That woman on the left is Shania Twain. But you knew that.

So who is that woman on the right? Well that's the woman that Shania's husband left her for. You can read about it here, but I'll give you the details:

Dude marries Shania. Everyone is jealous of Dude. Dude hooks up with that woman on the right behind Shania's back. Everyone makes fun of Dude. Shania is devastated, wants a divorce, etc. etc. etc. Dude continues to see that girl on the right. Everyone continues to make fun of Dude.

I think that's about right.

Seriously, who cheats on the one on the left for the one on the right? Mental problems I say.

h/t TBL

Would someone please tell me what the deal is with oatmeal raisin cookies? Okay so maybe half of you like them. But you know what? EVERYONE likes chocolate chip cookies. So why would you make something that only half of you like when you could just as easily make something that everyone likes? You selfish bastard.

Oh by the way, if you pile 3 or 4 layers of food onto your plate during an office pot luck, you can't call it "seconds" when you go back for more. And yes, people noticed that you did that.

You know what that was? That was me taking my place back at the top of the blog, and doing so with nonsense. Greg finally posts something but I couldn't let him have his hour or two to enjoy the top spot. Nope, I had to take my spot back with a lame Jerry Seinfeld-style rif on oatmeal raisin cookies and people who go overboard during pot luck lunches*. But you know what? I'm not gonna apologize for it.

* Pot luck lunches are cool, but I always get upset whenever I see someone participating with the $5 chip-in. Everyone else spent the night before preparing something, but this joker swoops in with his finski and gets to eat whatever he wants. He's usually the guy who will pile his plate high and deep too. Fuckin' joker. Whatever happened to that $5 anyway? What did it go towards? I know it wasn't plates or forks because Johnnie CantCook was in charge of bringing those. Marsha McPartyPlanner probably kept it herself. That thievin' "B".

As reported by the Orlando Sentinel, Lou Pearlman, founder of so-called boy bands N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys, has been sentenced to 25 years in federal prison for his part in a con scheme that cheated victims out of $300 million.

You can read the entire story here. My favorite part was in the third to last paragraph...

On June 14, federal investigators tracked Pearlman down in the lush resort town of Bali, Indonesia, registered at a hotel under the name A. Incognito Johnson.

Has there ever been, in the history of the world, a worse alias than "Incognito Johnson"? I love it. In fact, I want to start a boy band called Incognito Johnson. Who's with me? Let's make this happen!

via Seth Godin's Blog

This story is great. I love it when people other than me make email mistakes.

h/t AA

I just got an email solicitation from Sears that said "make Dad feel rad this Father's Day". With a hook like that, you can pretty much bet there's no way I'd ever buy whatever it is they're selling.

I'm not sure who Steve Calechman thinks he is (other than Steve Calechman), but his list of 18 things a grown man should never have is way off. I like his idea, but hate his list. First of all, why 18? Could he not think of 2 more? Or 7 more? Or 3 fewer? Here are some of them that I have a problem with:

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

Fair enough. Although he should have just said "a black eye from a fistfight" because I can think of 3 or 4 ways off the top of my head to get a black eye that doesn't involve fists. And no, I will not elaborate. Also, isn't it funny how the words "black eye", when spoken fast, can be confused with the words "black guy"? Saying "he's got a black eye" has a completely different meaning than "he's got a black guy." Okay moving on.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

He should clarify this one as well to "a witty work e-mail signature". A witty personal e-mail signature is always a good idea.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.

This is where he completely lost me. He's about to get pretty pompous with the next few bullet points, so #5 leads me to believe that Steve is just a liar. How many non-domestic beers require a bottle opener? Almost all of them? And Steve wants me to believe that having one handy at all times is a bad thing? No way. I used my key chain bottle opener 4 or 5 times yesterday. I love me some Stella.

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

Lame.

7. An unstamped passport.

Pompous.

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

Confusing.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

Coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper? Where is he getting his coffee, bagels, and Sunday papers where they cost $20?

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

Ha! Shenanigans! A complete contradiction to his point behind #5. Why doesn't he just come out and say "no Miller, Bud, or Coors products"? His pompousness is tiring me. For a guy who likes to reference beer, I doubt he even drinks it.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

No it doesn't. It reminds people that you're not a screenwriter.

I really have no problem with them making a video for this song (as terrible as it is)... But why did they have to bring Abraham Lincoln into it? Let the poor guy rest in peace!

MORRIS, Ill. (AP) - Got milk?

Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos has overturned, spilling the cookies still in their plastic sleeves into the median and roadway. Illinois State Police Sgt. Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on Interstate 80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

In other news, Kirstie Alley's publicist has announced she will be heading to Morris, IL to assist with the cleanup effort.

A co-worker of mine recently had a death in the family. Marsha McPartyPlanner put together a card for everyone to sign. I noticed that it hadn't reached my desk yet. So this conversation just happened:

Brian: "Did you pass around that card yet?"
Marsha: "Yes."
Marsha: "Oh no."

Lovely.

Just a quick reminder - if you need something shipped by tomorrow or Monday, make sure you order it within the next 7 mins. You don't want to have what happened to me happen to you.

That is all. Enjoy your weekend.

Or don't, what do I care?

Kidding, of course I care.

This blog leaves so much to be desired sometimes.

Yeah I don't know what that means either. Did you like my Wheel of Fortune-style Before and After blog title at least?

1-8-7-7-Kars-4-Kids,
K-A-R-S Kars 4 Kids.
1-8-7-7-Kars-4-Kids,
Donate your car today.

[repeat 7 or 8 times]

I've been working in my building a long time now. I've seen the neighborhood change (not true), I've seen hundreds of people come and go (probably true), and I've been here through 5 different presidential terms (not even close). But one thing that has remained constant is the building's carpeting (definitely). Honestly, the carpeting in my building is older than this lightbulb (exaggeration). But good news - I think it's finally getting replaced.

Maybe this means nothing to you, but this is the best news I've heard since these guys announced their new tour (if this were a Family Guy episode, there would be a cutaway to Stewie reading that headline with a huge smile on his face. Or maybe something funny). It sparked the following IM conversation between Donald and me as a handful of people were walking around our floor with clipboards and lasers (yep, clipboards. I mean lasers).

Donald(10:24:24): who are these people with friggin lasers?
Donald(10:26:23): we're getting new carpet!
Donald(10:26:44): but we're all getting fired

Okay, that was more The Donald being funny. But hurray! New carpet!

click here for video... (embed was horking up the site)

NOTE TO SELF: If you're ever on Chris Matthews' panel show (it could happen), brush up on your history in regards to Neville Chamberlain and Hitler. Oh, and try to avoid using the word appeasement more than 15 or 16 times.

Finally, try to transition the conversation to something about the White Sox or Seinfeld because those are really the only topics in which you'd be able to add to the discussion. Which is pretty sad.

ANOTHER NOTE TO SELF: Pick up a book once in a while.

I laughed out loud probably 10 times while watching The Office last night. When Kevin saw the bouncy thing and ran towards it and Phyllis yelled to him to take off his shoes, I even snorted and I never do that. I don't think I've ever done that. I make fun of people who do that. But last night I did it. He passed for a retard and they didn't even change the way he delivered his lines. How brilliant is that?

The whole time I was watching Lost last night, I thought it was the last episode. I guess I wasn't thinking because the season finale is always a 2 parter. So after the episode ended last night, I wondered how they could leave us hanging with that. Then I saw the commercial that started out "in 2 weeks, the 2-hour season finale........."

Hells yeah! A 3-parter! I can't wait.

There's a guy at the other end of my floor who does that throat-clearing thing after every time he coughs. Do you know the one I'm talking about? When you were a kid, your dad probably did it every morning. My next-door-neighbor still does it every once in a while as he walks to his car in the driveway right by my bedroom window before he leaves for work. It's a wet cough, followed by the leftover phlegm* being cleared from the passageway. Oh yeah, it's very attractive.

* Is that how you spell 'phlegm'? Why isn't it 'flem'? I should probably look it up before posting this blog. But I'm sure I won't because I'm lazy**.

So anyway, whomever it is at the other end of my floor has been doing it for like a month now. Either he just took up smoking or he just gave up smoking. It's one or the other. But the odd thing is that he sits far enough away from me that I can't tell who's doing it. Which begs the questions (at least to me), what the hell does it sound like for the people who sit by him? And are they questioning it? And why isn't it getting better? Does this guy need a doctor's visit or something?

So many questions.

** I didn't.

Do you like our new look?

No? Well screw you, this site is free. What do you expect?

Oh you said yes?

Well then, thank you very much. I mean we try to give the people (all 3 of them) what they want.

Oh you really did say no?

Well screw you, this site is still free.

Oh you were just kidding?

Well never mind then. I take back that 'screw you' I just said.

Oh you were just kidding about just kidding?

Well how about I take this rubber hose and.......

No seriously, do you like the new look?

You don't? Well [bleep] you, you [bleepin']...........

I'm just kidding, I still love you.

So what do you think? You like our new look?

I'm changing the names for obvious reasons, but I thought this was hilarious.

Michael: "Today is Ryan's last day? I didn't realize he gave his notice."
Stanley: "Who?"
Michael: "You know, the little guy with the beard."
Stanley: "I don't know Man, you know these new people better than I do."

Ryan worked here for like 3 years.

It's a good sign that you're at a decent Italian restaurant if they bring you a bottle of oil and a plate of parmesan along with the bread basket when you first get there. Yeah that's the best. But have you ever thought to yourself while you're at an Italian restaurant that you're paying $15 to $20 a plate for something you could have prepared by yourself at home in 20 minutes? Noodles, sauce, spices, parmesan, and crumpled sausage? Yeah I coulda done that. And I probably should have. At least then I wouldn't have felt like an idiot in front of a 22 year old Greek waiter for butchering the name of an obscure Pinot Grigio. Obscure my ass, it was bottled in Napa.

We finally got around to seeing "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". I think it's one of those movies that would be funnier if you saw it in a packed theater. There's something to be said for a movie seeming to be funnier when you have 300 people laughing at every joke versus just 2 or 3. I noticed this for the first time when I was an usher at a theater 11 or 12 years ago. It was the Jim Carrey movie "Liar Liar". The Friday night packed house version had people walking out loving it, but the Wednesday night version had the handful of people who saw it walking out thinking it was dumb. So my recommendation if you're planning on seeing it for the first time - make sure you see it on a Friday or Saturday night when there's a good chance that the theater may be relatively full. I hope it's not too late where you missed your window. Oh also, this movie had 3 or 4 instances of unprovoked man-meat that I was not prepared for. I didn't think it was funny at all; I thought it was oddly out of place and inappropriate. Nobody needs to see man-meat. Ever.

That is all.

More customer service stuff. This time I was trying to pay for a bill using this particular company's online site which I had been doing every month for as long as I can remember, but the website was giving me problems. There was a website support number, so I called it.

Me: "Hi yeah I'm trying to pay my bill on line, but I'm having trouble logging in to your website."

Him: "Yes sir Mr. Brian I'll be happy to assist you with this problem. What exactly is happening?"

I'm always Mr. Brian for some reason. I guess it beats Mr. Brain or Bondo.

Me: "When I enter in my username and password, it keeps bringing me to a screen that says my password is only a temporary one. It then asks that I change my password to something permanent, but when I do that, it brings me right back to the screen that says my password is temporary. I've done this 3 times now. Also, my original password was one that I had for like a year now."

Him: "Okay and how exactly is the problem?"

I promise that's what he said. How exactly is the problem. He didn't even say "what", he said "how".

Me: "Everything I just said there is my problem. I'm trying to log in to your website to make a payment, but your website is broken. It gave me this number for website support.

Him: "Uh yes Mr. Brian and I do apologize. Have you tried to make your payment over the phone?"

I wish I knew someone personally who worked for a shipping company. If I did, I would invite them over to my house "tomorrow" just to see if they showed up 3 days later.

Last Friday, I had a package shipped "guaranteed overnight delivery". It just arrived today. And the shipping company is claiming that they weren't late. I'll repeat that in bold just to make sure you were paying attention, as well as for unnecessary dramatic effect. Last Friday (4 days ago), I had a package shipped "guaranteed overnight delivery". It just arrived today (Tuesday). 4 days later. And the shipping company is claiming that they weren't late. How, you ask? Because they're bleeping stupid. No, that's not it. Well not really. Logically-challenged yes, but not stupid. You can't be stupid to come up with logic like this. In fact I think you have to be a genius. The only way to be stupid in this scenario is to actually believe that the logic you just came up with is smart. Or something like that. I'll explain.

Last Friday afternoon (actually it was just after 5pm), I ordered a piece of equipment for my customer to be shipped to one of their stores. The store is a 24x7 location, so I requested the "guaranteed overnight delivery" option from the shipping company so that my customer would have their package by Saturday. Saturday came and went, but no shipment. Then Sunday came and went, still no shipment. Monday, I tracked the shipment and noticed that it had a scheduled delivery date of Tuesday before 5pm. What the bleep? So yesterday (Monday) I made a phone call to the shipping company to find out what the dilly. I'll recap the convo:

Him: "Orders have to be processed before 5pm to ship that day. You didn't order it until after 5pm on Friday, which means it didn't get processed until Monday. So the guaranteed overnight isn't until Tuesday."

Me: "Wait that makes no sense."

Him: "How does that not make sense?"

Me (thinking): Actually I'm really not sure.

Me (out loud): "Umm. Well. Wait, you have weekend deliveries, right? So what should I have done to get guaranteed overnight?"

Him: "Sir, you are getting guaranteed overnight."

Me: "Okay, a Saturday delivery then?"

Him: "Well you could have picked the Next Day option. But even then it may not have shipped on Friday because you didn't place the order in time."

Following that exchange, we had some semantic arguments that got me nowhere, and then I spent the next few minutes after that trying to balance my head from the dizziness. Bottom line, my package was never going to arrive on Saturday no matter which option I chose, and the words "guaranteed overnight" to this particular shipping company means "guaranteed overnight from the arbitrarily-chosen date and time in which we shipped your busted package."

Bottom line noted.

- I thought this blog was to be no more, at least for me. All day yesterday it was blocked at work and I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't keep it up from home. But today it's fine. I guess I'll enjoy it while it's still here because who knows how long it'll stay?

- Hey remember when it was a tossup between Mark Buehrle, Mark Mulder, and Barry Zito on who was going to be the next Tom Glavine? Ah 2002 - those were the days.

- Is there a worse feeling than a television show running a minute or two (or even 30 seconds) over it's allotted time so that your DVR cuts it off right at the end? I don't think there is. I won't tell you what I was watching (The Hills), but sonofabitch that sucks. I want to know what happened between Lauren and Audrina! Then again with MTV, it'll replay 2 hours later so it's really not a big deal. I think they do that on purpose.

- I like how Clay Aiken still isn't admitting that he's gay [not that there's anything wrong with that]. Have you seen his new haircut? Short of making out with a guy on stage, I'm not sure what more he needs to do.

- Maybe he can admit that he watches The Hills.

- Shut up, Jill makes me.

- It's really up to Interstate 290 whether or not I make it into work on time. If she's feeling like I should be on time, I'll be on time. If she's feeling like she wants me to be 20 minutes late, she'll make me 20 minutes late. She's kind of a bitch.

- ALLSTATE update - The sis' didn't get all the money she was hoping for before they told her they were going to screw her, but she did get something. It's probably enough to fix everything if she does it herself. So hey there's that. I still think ALLSTATE sucks, but that's just me. Well and my sister. And the rest of my family. And my sister's friends.

I thought about getting my mom flowers for Mother's Day this year, but i think she'll like this even more than roses.


Treat her right
Treat your mother right
Treat her right
Treat her right

Mother
There is no other
Like Mother
So treat Her right
Mother
I always Love Her
My Mother
So treat Her right, treat Her right


M is for the moan, and the miserable groan
from the pain that She felt when I was born

O is for the oven with it's burnin' heat
where She stood makin' sure I had something to eat

T is for the time that She stayed up at night
and took my temperature when I wasn't feelin' right

H is for the hard earned money She spent
to keep clothes on my back and try to pay da' rent

E is every wrinkle I put on Her face
and every worry that I caused when I stayed out late

The last letter R is that She taught me Respect
and for the room up in Heaven that I know She'll get

She's a Queen
Second to none
Take care of Mother
You only get one

This morning I saw a headline on the front page of Fox News that said "oil shoots up to $125 a barrel on weakening dollar". An hour later, I saw a headline on the front page of Fox News that said "oil shoots up to $126 a barrel on weakening dollar."

I should stop clicking on Fox News.

Oh wait, no I shouldn't. Because then I wouldn't be able to read stories like this one.

Stoner 1: "I got a plan."
Stoner 2: "Yo Man......."
Stoner 1: "Yo Man what?"
Stoner 2: "I don't know."
Stoner 1: "Shut up, you wanna hear it?"
Stoner 2: [laughter]
Stoner 1: "Okay so we dig up a corpse."
Stoner 2: "Yo Man."
Stoner 1: "Yo Man what? Shut up already. So we dig up a corpse and we steal the skull."
Stoner 2: "Can we stop at 7-11 first?"
Stoner 1: "Yeah whatever. So we steal the skull and we make a bong out of it."
Stoner 2: [laughter]
Stoner 1: "Then we come back here and we smoke this."
Stoner 2: "You had me at dig up a corpse."

Aren't you glad I figured out a way to use the cliche'd Jerry Maguire line once more?

There's a woman named Shirley Baker who is the PM for a project that I'm working on, so every so often I'll get an email from her. Whenever I see her name pop up in my inbox, I can't help but think of the girl from A League of Their Own who couldn't read. Do you remember that conversation she had with Jamie Buchman's sister in front of the cut list (or non-cut list actually)?

Jamie Buchman's sister: "What's your name?"
Shirley Baker: "Shirley Baker."
Jamie Buchman's sister: "This is you. You're with us."

Yeah I think of that conversation every time I get an email from my Shirley Baker. And yes, I also imagine that my Shirley Baker pronounces her name like a crying retard. Oh like you wouldn't do the same thing.

A Random from me on Monday: What would we say instead of "he'd be turning over in his grave if he saw this" if the guy we're talking about was cremated?

Paraphrased quote from Andy Bernard in tonight's episode of The Office - "My Grandfather would be turning over in his urn if he saw me playing golf with you."

Yeah that's right. I totally wrote an Office joke 3 days before it aired. And a joke for the Nard Dog on top of it.

Oompa, loompa, doompity dawsome. The Nard Dog used my joke, that's totally awesome.

Have either Greg or I mentioned the Cedric Benson story yet? We haven't? Wow, that seems like it would have been a no-brainer. Maybe it was too easy. Eh, I'm doing it now anyway.

I won't bore you with the details if you haven't read them already. If you're really all that interested, you can find details of the story all over the internet. But what came out today was precious. I saw the headline, "Friend sought help for Benson", and my first thought was 'this is gonna be lame'. But I read it anyway. You can read the whole thing here. The best part though is the quote from the friend.

"I called my dad and told him, 'Call 911, my black friend is getting beaten up by police on Lake Travis,' " said Elizabeth Cartwright, 22, a friend of Benson's from the University of Texas. "It's more what I heard than what I saw. I have never heard or seen Cedric that scared."

Isn't that the best? Let's count the number of problems with it.

1. "I called my dad and told him 'call 911'"
Uh, don't you have a phone in your hand? Why would you use a phone to call someone to ask them to use their phone to call 911?

2. "Call 911, my black friend is getting beaten up by police....."
Your black friend? As in your non-white friend? Or your non-Asian friend? Or non-Mexican friend? What year is this?

3. "Call 911, my black friend is getting beaten up by police....."
Hello 911? My daughter's black friend is getting beaten up by the police. Could you please send the police.....never mind. She's an idiot.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

You may remember the last time I took issue with the poll question in the Chicago Sun-Times sports section. Well I have another issue.

Last night, White Sox pitcher Gavin Floyd had a no-hitter going after 8 innings. Going to the break between the 8th and 9th, broadcaster Hawk Harrelson said something like "call up your friends and family, Gavin Floyd is bringing a no-hitter to the 9th when we come back." I'm paraphrasing, but I think that's pretty close. I kind of smiled when he said it because it's considered bad form to mention a no-hitter during a no-hitter. But I'm also not an idiot. I realize that a broadcaster of a baseball game has no responsibility whatsoever in breaking up no-hitters. Only the players do. And really only the hitter and the pitcher. Everyone else is kind of inconsequential. Also, Hawk gets paid to call it like he sees it. You know, 'cause he's a broadcaster. Which brings us to the poll question:

Did Hawk jinx Floyd by mentioning the near no-hitter?

Our choices:

-Yes, you don't mention it till it's over
-No, he did the same before Buehrle's no-hitter
-Hope he did, I'm a Cubs fan

How about: No, jinxes don't exist. I'm not a moron.

Oh well.

I really want the White Sox to win the World Series this year, if for no other reason than to hear to the voiceover on the championship DVD explain how the team's turn-around may have been sparked by two blowup dolls.

One of the things that bothers me about American Idol outside of the obvious things that would bother me (it's cheesy, Paula sucks, the contestants are barely better at singing than non-famous lounge singers, it's an hour of programming stretched to 2 hours over the course of 2 days, etc. etc. etc.) is how the contestants never know anything about music. They're never familiar with the genre from which they get to choose a song, so they always end up butchering the original. Like last night, the genre was rock and roll. Now this is such a huge category that the producers might as well have just called the night "songs that have words in it". That would have been funny, no?

Ryan Seacrest: "It's 'songs that have words in it' night here on American Idol. This week contestants got to choose from a catalog of songs that have words. First up is David Cook who will sing Duran Duran's.......are you kidding me? Duran Duran? Ugh, I need a new job."

Okay, so it's rock and roll night. Admittedly, I love rock and roll. I put dimes in the jukebox baby. No I won't. So what does 17 year old David Archuletta choose as his two rock and roll songs to sing? Ben King's "Stand by Me" and Elvis Presley's "Love me Tender". Now I don't know about you, but when I think rock and roll, I think "stand by me". A bleeping travesty. I'll recap how it transpired:

First he butchered the song. Of course. Then he stood there on stage and smiled awkwardly as young girls in the audience screamed his name. It was right about this time that I puked a little bit for the first time. He continued to stand there awkwardly and licked his lips a little bit. I puked some more. He licked his lips some more. More screaming from the little girls was heard. Finally, he was praised by the judges while he smiled and licked his lips some more. Lather rinse repeat.

And this is a real show on television that I continue to watch every week.

His second choice was even better. He said something about once hearing an Elvis song so he was going to give it a try. At least I think that's what he said; I may have missed the message because I was too pre-occupied trying to come up with ways to injure myself on purpose. So he chose "Love me Tender". Uh huh. The Elvis song he chose on Rock and Bleeping Roll night was Love Me Tender. Not Jailhouse Rock or Hound Dog or That's All Right; you know, something that would have required that he move around on stage and embrace the category. No he chose Love Me Tender. And he pussified it even more by singing it like it was a show tune. Of course the judges loved it, girls screamed, and I puked again.

God I love this show.

I wonder if the voiceover guy on the Joseph A. Bank commercials talks like that in real life.

Wife: "Honey by chance did you pick up stuff for salads on your way home?"
Joseph A. Bank guy: "Yes I did. Cucumbers and carrots, FIFTY percent off."
Wife: "That's great."
Joseph A. Bank guy: "Entire stock of lettuce, croutons, and grated cheese, FIFTY percent off."
Wife: "I want a divorce."
Joseph A. Bank guy: "Cost of a divorce, FIFTY percent off."
Wife: "I wish you were dead."
Joseph A. Bank guy: "Going rate on domestic homicide, FIFTY percent off."

I like when it takes like a good 4 minutes to pee. Sometimes I wait all day in between bathroom trips just so I can get full-flowage going for an extended period of time. It always makes me think I'm getting the most out of my spare time.

I know what you're thinking right now, and yes, the reason I'm bringing this up is because it just so happens that I completed a 4 minute session about a half hour ago. And that's clocked, you can ask Jill. It was the best. Actually she seemed concerned from the other side of the door.

Oh you weren't thinking that?

My sister recently had some water damage to her kitchen that forced her to pack up her two kids and move in with the P's. Never fear, though, as this was only going to be a temporary situation while her insurance carrier ALLSTATE would take care of everything for her. You know, because that's what ALLSTATE is supposed to do when you have damage to your house and you pay ALLSTATE all that money every month to cover your premium. I'll let my sister take it from here (my apologies for the length; "ALLSTATE" will continue to be in all caps to prevent you from forgetting who we're dealing with):

It all started on 4/16. I was doing dishes when I noticed that there was water on my floor. I have two small children and just assumed that one of them had spilled some water, so I wiped it up and moved about my business. This started occurring more frequently over the next several days so I figured that there was a bigger issue. I checked under the sink and it was dry there, but now water was pooling on top of my laminate flooring causing it to bubble. A week later, I called ALLSTATE to file a claim. From there, I was contacted by a restoration company (Advantage Restoration) that very evening, on behalf of ALLSTATE, who quickly set up an appointment for the following morning. I was advised to have a plumber meet them at my house. I scheduled the plumber to arrive and work began to determine the root cause of the leaking water. The following morning, I spoke with Orestes, an ALLSTATE claims handler, who indicated that he would be my contact throughout the duration of the process. He set up a time for the adjuster to come out on 5/6. He explained that the most important thing is to have the plumber identify the cause and get that fixed. He further explained that ALLSTATE would be responsible for correcting whatever damage was caused by the incident.

Early that afternoon, the restoration company [again - hired by ALLSTATE] started pulling up my flooring to determine the source and to everyone's surprise, there was a substantial amount of mold under my floor. They quickly sealed up the exposed floor with black plastic and duct tape. They gauged water levels at various areas in the kitchen, and at one place in my wall, the gauge read 40 [which I have since come to learn is the highest the water gauge goes and indicates intense moisture]. As a result of their findings, the plumber cut open a hole in my wall to find 14 inches of mold growing behind it up against where all my lower kitchen cabinets are located. They continued to survey the area for the source of the water. The restoration company brought a dehumidifier to dry up the moisture. After several hours and an $1800 plumber bill [which I later learned was my responsibility to pay], it was discovered that there was a constant drip coming from the bottom of my dishwasher. The plumber capped off the pipe and removed the dishwasher, and the source of the issue was stopped.

The next day, I spoke with Orestes/ALLSTATE and told him that there was a substantial amount of mold in my kitchen, and I would no longer be staying there for risk of harm to my children. He indicated that as a result of the mold, he would not be my contact within ALLSTATE anymore and that I would hear from someone new by either the end of that day or Monday. He also stated that my policy held a $5000 mold coverage clause in addition to the dwelling coverage. Good news!

On Monday afternoon, I started making phone calls to ALLSTATE to try and determine who would be my new claims handler as I hadn't heard back from anyone. I contacted my ALLSTATE agent's office three times. I contacted their toll free number twice, and I even called Orestes' back-up; Orestes was out on vacation that week. Nobody knew who my contact was going to be until I spoke with Nancy. Nancy indicated that my new claims handler would be Joy Bush, who unfortunately had already left for the day (I wonder when I was going to be called?). I explained to Nancy that there was mold in my home and I was not currently staying there to avoid potential harm to my children. She explained that ALLSTATE would be reimbursing me $50 a day for any days spent away from home. I told her that I had last lived in my house on 4/25. She noted my claim and ensured me that she would be notifying Joy to call me first thing on Tuesday. I explained that I wanted to push up the date that the adjuster would be coming to my house because 5/6 was too long to wait until further work could be done to my kitchen. She said that she didn't have access to the scheduling system to make changes, but again ensured me that Joy would be calling me on Tuesday morning to make changes. I would wait until Tuesday with baited breath. I'm not sure what that means either.

On the morning of 4/29, Tuesday, I hadn't heard from Joy (figures). I called and got her voicemail but her voicemail was almost full, so I only got to record six seconds before it cut me out. She called me back late that afternoon. I explained that I wanted to move up the day the adjuster would be coming to my house because I still was not living at home. Her response was that she could cancel the appointment for 5/6, but the earliest she could have the adjuster come out would be 5/13. [Grasp that in your brain and try not to laugh at its ridiculousness. Joy may be a moron]. I declined her offer, contemplated calling her names, thought better about it, and accepted 5/6. She did confirm with me as well though that ALLSTATE would indeed be paying me $50 a day for each day spent away from home. I wanted to verify what my next steps were as the claimant. She said that I should wait for the adjuster and not proceed with any removal of anything until that point and that mold specialists would need to come out to test the levels before and after the restoration to ensure it was completely gone. She added that my kitchen would be quarantined during the mold removal process, but not to worry because ALLSTATE would be responsible for ensuring that my kitchen was back to normal and any damage caused by the leak would be corrected. I verified if I was still responsible for the plumber bill [because I am a mother of two and $1800 is a lot of money]. She confirmed with me that I am responsible for correcting the cause of the issue and ALLSTATE would be responsible for correcting everything damaged as a result of the issue.

[NOTE: Every day from 4/24 through 5/6, Advantage Restoration came back to my house to test moisture levels in my home. The walls became less moist with the dehumidifier, however the sitting water beneath my laminate flooring began to spread and the moisture levels increased further out beyond my kitchen to my living room].

On 5/6, George Lance, the ALLSTATE adjuster arrived at my home. He took pictures, surveyed the big hole in my wall, viewed pictures I had taken on 4/24 and indicated that my claim would NOT be covered. He may have also indicated to me that he's the devil, but I was too busy bleeding from my ears from the first part to confirm the 2nd part. However, I did hear him say that because the cause of my problem was not "sudden and accidental" (his words), my claim would be denied. I asked how I would know otherwise that what was occurring had been doing so for a long period of time. He sympathized at first and stated that there is no way I would have known, but a policy is a policy and only sudden and accidental incidents are covered. I explained that it was sudden to me and certainly wasn't caused by me either. I wanted to understand how their hired company could tear up my floor and cause for a hole to be opened up in my kitchen wall, but how ALLSTATE (a company I pay a premium to every month to pay for these types of things should they arise) wouldn't be responsible for correcting at least those things. He stated that the restoration company was just trying to determine the cause of the issue. I asked what my next steps should be. He stated that it really wouldn't cost too much to fix what was damaged. He went on about how drywall is cheap and I could go to Menards and get new laminate flooring. I was inclined at that time to inform George that I already spent $1800 on a plumber and I didn’t have an additional $2000 lying around to spend on an issue in which I already pay money to have cared for by ALLSTATE. I told George that my main concern was my children and that I was not going to be bringing them back to a home that still had mold in it. I asked what I needed to do to get the mold issue resolved and what happened to my $5000 mold coverage. He stated that if my claim was approved, I would have access to the mold coverage. But since he was the devil and my claim was denied, I'd be SOL for that too. I asked George to tell me how ALLSTATE only covers sudden and accidental issues, yet can also have a mold clause. Mold doesn't appear over night, right? I suggested to George that perhaps ALLSTATE only has mold coverage for their customer's "peace of mind" when it seems now that it could not have been their intention of covering this issue for me. I asked him if he agreed that their "sudden and accidental" policy canceled out the mold coverage altogether. George stated that "Yeah, they kinda do."

Well fuck you George!

I then asked if I would still be entitled to the $50 a day since I cannot move my children back into my home until the floors are replaced and the walls behind the cabinets are replaced. He said that since my claim was denied, I would not be entitled to that either. He again stated that it wouldn’t cost too much to fix it and offered me additional cheaper solutions. I explained that the mold is a severe issue for me and I could not believe that ALLSTATE was not taking accountability for exposing my children and me to open mold spores. Lest we forget, they were the cause of the open flooring and the open hole in my wall. George offered me a solution. He stated that I could just spray some anti-bacterial stuff from Ace Hardware around the walls and cabinetry for the time being. And I could just tape up some plastic around the walls! Aside from being the devil, George also appears to be very handy. And a problem-solver [sarcasm alert]. He then said he needed to do his write-up in his car for the next hour.

About a half hour later, the restoration company arrived to do the daily test for moisture. George came to talk to them and advised them to remove the dehumidifier from my home as ALLSTATE would no longer be paying for their services at my home.
So let’s review:

I have missing laminate flooring.
I have a big, gaping hole in my wall.
I have sitting water under my flooring that needs to be removed, but the boards are covered in mold, so I can’t bring my children home until the entire kitchen is fixed.
It took a week and a half for the adjuster to come out.
The adjuster was insulting.
I am not getting reimbursed for having to live elsewhere.
I incurred an $1800 plumbing expense.
I still have yet to hear from my actual ALLSTATE agent about the denial.

And the kicker – I was asked to complete a customer satisfaction survey.

This guy can kiss my ass!

This comes courtesy MSN Lifestyle. Brian's got less than a year to get this all out of his system...

1. Coin his own nickname.
2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
4. Hacky sack.
5. Name his "unit" his name plus junior.
6. Hang art with tape.
7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"
10. Skip.
11. Take a camera to a nude beach.
12. Let his father do his taxes.
13. Tap on the glass.
14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"
15. Use the word collated on his resume.
16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
19. Give shout-outs.
20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.
21. Hug amusement-park characters.
22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."
24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."
25. Request extra sprinkles.
26. Air drum.
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.
30. Sleep on a bare mattress.
31. End a conversation with "later skater."
32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.
33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"
34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.
38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
39. Whine.
40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."
41. Purchase fireworks.
42. Google the word vagina.
43. Ride a pony.
44. Sport an ironic mustache.
45. Hit 13 against a 6.
46. Organize a party bus.
47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.
48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.
49. Keg stands.
50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.
53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
54. Read The Fountainhead.
55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."
57. Own a vanity plate.
58. Whippits.
59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

They also included a list of things no man should ever do past age 1. I think those of us with kids will appreciate this list more...

Get circumcised.
Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).
Look longingly at his mother's breasts.
Urinate in his mouth.
Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.
Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.
Eat pureed Wheat Thins.
Suck on the corner of a laptop.
Go willingly into the arms of strangers.
Lose neck control.
Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.
"Make nice."
Wear a unitard.
Read The Fountainhead.

Today marks the 2nd birthday of 1HappySt. We have been dreading this day for some time because we all know what the terrible 2's bring, and 1HappySt has been showing signs of mischief since birth. So all we ask is that if you see 1HappySt in a supermarket throwing a temper tantrum, please don't stare or make any rude comments. That doesn't help anybody. We're sure that in a year or two, this will all pass and 1HappySt will be in pre-school or something and a school counselor will recommend it be put on ritalin and then everything will be okay. Until then, how about a Random Brian-style?

- What would we say instead of "he'd be turning over in his grave if he saw this" if the guy we're talking about was cremated?

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure who that little girl is, but that picture came up when I typed in "2nd birthday" into flickr. And she made me laugh so in she goes. Her name is Katie.]

One of my favorite pastimes is linking you to a fun article where Crazy Bones starts cursing up a storm and the newspaper folks have to clean it up with a dozen or so [bleep]s and [stuff]s. You can find where I did it here, and here, and here, and here, and you know what? Just click on that "Ozzie Guillen" label down below for all of them. Yeah that's easier. Anyway, over the weekend Crazy Bones gave the Chicago Tribune this after another White Sox loss. For your pleasure (okay just mine), I am going to paste his entire tirade and do my best to translate it with the real [stuff]. A question mark following the curse word is my way of guessing what the actual spoken word was. Okay here goes (NOTE: Bad language to follow):

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups — Call up this guy, call up that guy. If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the fucking best shit(?) in town. Now we're shit(?). We won it a couple years ago, and we're horseshit. The Cubs haven't won in 100 years, and they're the fucking best. Fuck it, we're good. Fuck(?) everybody. We're horseshit, and we're going to be horseshit the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We have the worst owner. The guy's got seven fucking rings, and he's the fucking horseshit owner. In 2006 we had a good year, a great year. Last year was a bad year, and we never denied it. How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bullshit? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my shit(?). I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money', here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North. Yeah, we have to celebrate all that shit too. But I won't be around for 10 years, believe me. People are panicking. Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn't too long ago that we were — the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox. All of a sudden, there we go, back to normal. We have to deal with it. Fuck(?) it. As long as the 25 guys out there believe we can do it, everyone else, hey ... And if those 25 don't? We'll find someone else that believes, believe me. I don't think Kenny is going to put up with this stuff. If they don't believe they can do it, well, we're going to find someone that can do it."

Generic and funny (debatable) line where I mock everything above in one sentence.

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure who wrote this first since they were both on the same day, but I wanted to point out that this guy wrote something similar. In fact it's almost identical. His may even be funnier. Oh well]

I'm new to Facebook. I joined it practically on accident. Okay that's not entirely true. But my reason for joining in the first place was legit; I have a younger relative whose page I was told had something interesting on it, but I couldn't view it without having my own login, so...you really don't care, do you? And you don't believe me either. You think I just wanted to hang out with the cool kids again and as a 29 year old loser, this was my only way of doing it. Am I right?

Regardless, I have a page now. But I'm a little confused as to what the etiquette is. Every couple days, I will get an email that says "So and So has added you as a friend", or something like that. Except they will use their real name instead of "So and So". Am I allowed to deny them, or do I have to accept everyone? What if I become so wicked popular that hundreds of people are asking me to add them every day? What happens then? Will I be spending the majority of my day acknowledging friend requests?

Why are you laughing right now? It could happen. People love me.

But if someone would kindly fill me in on what the rules are, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.