1 Happy St

Yeah that's my TWENTY year old cousin on the right in both of those. What the [bleep]? How does that happen?

I don't want to jinx it or anything* but my Chicago White Sox are now 5.5 games ahead of the 2nd place Twins. They've won 6 straight games since Crazy Bones went on his tirade where he called his hitting coach an asshole**.

* I've made it clear on this site before that I believe in jinx's the same way that I believe in the tooth-fairy and curses and leprechauns. That is to say, I believe in them with all my heart. And with all my heart, I mean none of it. Jinx's aren't real. Neither is the tooth-fairy and neither are curses. Okay maybe with leprechauns I can still be convinced. After watching this video, I can't rule it out just yet (stick around for the amateur sketch in that video if you haven't seen it yet; you won't be disappointed). But back to this jinx thing. How can people believe in sports jinx's? If I say out loud that there's no way the White Sox will lose today and then they end up losing, were my words really that powerful that they willed a group of 9 or 10 people to fail who have never met me and probably never will? Who the hell am I to where I can have an impact on what a baseball team does? And how is the strength of my jinx more powerful than the jinx of the fan of the other team who said there's no way his team would lose? Right? If my jinx was really that powerful, don't you think I'd have figured out a way to put it to better use by now? I would totally be jinxing my ability to lose the lotto every week.

** Okay he didn't really call his hitting coach an asshole, but he did call him a child molester who probably roots for the Indians. And that was wrong in my opinion. You should never joke about rooting for the Indians.

Not only have they won 6 in a row, but they've done it in style, outscoring their opponents by 718 runs (estimate), and not once has one of their fans jumped on the field and attacked the 1st base coach of the opposing team (dated William Ligue reference). So yeah, it's good to be a White Sox fan right now. Personally though, I kind of miss the craziness. Hopefully by the end of the week, they'll have lost 2 or 3 games in a row and Mariotti can call for Ozzie's job again and Ozzie can call Mariotti a fag again. Things just aren't right when they're going well.

According to the AP, Hillary Clinton has been mathematically eliminated from the Democratic presidential nomination. The AP is basing this on public commitments from convention delegates. Hillary's campaign manager, the brilliant Terry McAuliffe, is still saying that our girl isn't conceding.

"The race goes on, the AP is wrong, blah blah blah." <---I think that's what he said.

So basically everyone has accepted Barack Obama as the Dem nominee except for Hillary and her people. She's basically pulling a Costanza (continuing to show up for work even though she's been fired). Fair enough. Question though - can this tactic be used in other walks of life?

Like tonight after the White Sox lose to the Royals 2-1, can Crazy Bones tell his team to stay on the field? "Dis game iz not over. Deez kidz play hard and we no give up." I can see that working, at least for a little while until they turn the lights off. It's worth a shot though. It's been working for Hillary for the last month or so.

[Follow-up from Brian: I realize that Costanza quit that job and wasn't actually fired until he came back the next day. I also realize that this makes my analogy quite lame. But I'm willing to overlook it if you are. Thanks]

One of my favorite pastimes is linking you to a fun article where Crazy Bones starts cursing up a storm and the newspaper folks have to clean it up with a dozen or so [bleep]s and [stuff]s. You can find where I did it here, and here, and here, and here, and you know what? Just click on that "Ozzie Guillen" label down below for all of them. Yeah that's easier. Anyway, over the weekend Crazy Bones gave the Chicago Tribune this after another White Sox loss. For your pleasure (okay just mine), I am going to paste his entire tirade and do my best to translate it with the real [stuff]. A question mark following the curse word is my way of guessing what the actual spoken word was. Okay here goes (NOTE: Bad language to follow):

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups — Call up this guy, call up that guy. If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the fucking best shit(?) in town. Now we're shit(?). We won it a couple years ago, and we're horseshit. The Cubs haven't won in 100 years, and they're the fucking best. Fuck it, we're good. Fuck(?) everybody. We're horseshit, and we're going to be horseshit the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We have the worst owner. The guy's got seven fucking rings, and he's the fucking horseshit owner. In 2006 we had a good year, a great year. Last year was a bad year, and we never denied it. How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bullshit? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my shit(?). I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money', here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North. Yeah, we have to celebrate all that shit too. But I won't be around for 10 years, believe me. People are panicking. Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn't too long ago that we were — the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox. All of a sudden, there we go, back to normal. We have to deal with it. Fuck(?) it. As long as the 25 guys out there believe we can do it, everyone else, hey ... And if those 25 don't? We'll find someone else that believes, believe me. I don't think Kenny is going to put up with this stuff. If they don't believe they can do it, well, we're going to find someone that can do it."

Generic and funny (debatable) line where I mock everything above in one sentence.

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure who wrote this first since they were both on the same day, but I wanted to point out that this guy wrote something similar. In fact it's almost identical. His may even be funnier. Oh well]

If my favorite no-talent ass-clown (Joe Morgan) gets into a verbal spar with my favorite crazy-bones manager (Ozzie Guillen), for whom do I root? Because that's exactly what happened Sunday night. From the Chicago Sun-Times:

DETROIT – It was vintage Ozzie Guillen before Sunday night’s game, as he didn’t
take kindly to ESPN broadcaster Joe Morgan questioning the fact that Guillen
told reporters on Saturday that he felt Ivan Rodriguez, not Roberto Clemente,
was the greatest player to come out of Puerto Rico. Morgan told Guillen he was
"crazy," starting a series of "FU’s" from Guillen...."The problem is these old guys think that none of the players now are better than back then," Guillen said. He then sighted an example, bringing up how Babe Ruth was fat and out of shape, but yet was a dominant hitter and pitcher back in the old days. "Babe Ruth couldn’t even play now," Guillen insisted. Morgan was trying to laugh it off, but Guillen sure wasn’t.

See the problem here is that Joe Morgan is a family man. He doesn't use words like f#ck in normal conversation. So in an argument with Crazy Bones, he'll never win. If two guys are arguing and one of them says "you're wrong" while the other says "F#ck You", the F#ck You guy automatically wins. Sad to say, but it's true. Poor Joe. Let's just hope they'll continue providing us more craziness as the season goes on.

"[He] earned it, and I feel proud for him. It's about time. The same way I throw my players under the bus, I will also say good things. Believe me, Brian made my job a little tougher for a couple of years. He forgets that there are still some people in Chicago that want to kill him.'' - Crazy Bones Guillen after Brian Anderson made the team

What's that sound? I think it's the sound of baseball season about to start. Nice.

[Editor's Note: The nickname 'Crazy Bones' comes courtesy of Ken Tremendous. I think it's brilliant, so I'm using it]

I'm going to show you a series of quotes from a real sports figure. These quotes will not be edited in any way, shape, or form. They will be the exact quotes as the person spoke them. And then you have to guess who they're from. I also want you to keep in mind as you're reading them the context in which he was speaking. He wasn't mad. He wasn't angry at the reporter. He was just shootin' the sh** like somebody would who is playing cards with his friends or something. Okay you ready? There's some rough language. Here goes:

''I'll be cocky. If we win this year, I might run naked down Michigan Avenue like people expect me to do.''

''I don't give a sh** what people think about me. I win 200 games in two years, and nobody ever mentions that. Well, if you're not going to give me credit when the team wins ... that made me think, 'Wow, what kind of life are we living?' My team wins 200 games, I didn't have a losing season, and they treat me that way. Then if you're a nice guy, they are going to treat you the same way. F*ck it, be an assh*** then. I would rather be an assh*** winning than be a nice guy f*cking losing. Give me an assh*** who can win, don't give me a nice guy who can f*cking lose.''

''You know what's funny? When you're on the hot seat and you tell your boss how horsesh** you are, and you tell your boss, 'Hey, man, I should do this different. It's my fault, I let this team go too far.' I let stuff go too far. And then when I put my foot down, it was like, whoa, it's the end of the world. People were saying, 'Aw, that's just [Me] being [Me].' Bullsh**. I hate the phrase. That's exactly the way I am.''

and my personal favorite:

''If my sh** sells papers every day and we win, well, I want to be on the front page every day. As long as I don't rape anybody, as long as I pay my taxes, I don't beat my wife...if I am going to be on the front page of the newspaper because of f*cking baseball, I will take that."

Okay, so who said all of those things? I'll give you one guess. Give up? Of course you don't. You knew it was Ozzie Guillen all along, didn't you? Ain't he the best? AND THE WORST?

Click here for the entire article. Or don't. I pretty much summed up the whole f*cking thing.

I'm so glad baseball is back.

The following quotes from Ozzie Guillen follow Thursday night's game in which the White Sox finished with 4 errors. They also come one day after his complete meltdown after Wednesday night's game. Enjoy.

''I don't want guys getting comfortable with this sh##,'' Guillen said. ''Like, 'Turn the page, we get them next year.' I don't like that because if we keep playing like that, there's not going to be a next year for a lot of these guys to come back on this club. It's the same thing every day. It's like your kid is 2 years old and he likes Barney. And you put that little sh## down there for three hours watching that sh## back and forth, back and forth, the same song for six hours. That's what I've been doing since April. Same fu##ing thing. Rewind it. 'You OK? Yeah, OK, here's your bottle, keep watching Barney.'''

I don't know about you, but I could read that quote over and over again. Ozzie, I'm gonna miss you next year.

- What’s the difference between a box of Somoas and a box of Caramel deLites?

- I like how the White Sox beat reporters don’t even fix Ozzie Guillen’s Spanglish anymore when they quote him in the newspaper, they just print it word for word. They no go to [expletive] trouble of translating.

- Everyone I know who has a Sprint cell phone complains about their coverage and service. So why do people continue to use them?

- I think it was a good idea for Shell to install those TV monitors at their pumps. There’s nothing more boring than waiting for your gas tank to fill. But would it kill them to show something interesting besides busted Tonight Show bits?

- Every time I hang up the phone after ordering out for Chinese, I always think to myself that there’s no way that lady understood me. But then when my food arrives, it’s always exactly what I ordered. Kinda funny.

- I saw "Premonition" starring Sandra Bullock on Sunday night. It’s pretty good, if you’re that type of person who likes movies that really suck.

- There’s always one small spot in my backyard that will take 2 or 3 days longer than every other spot in the neighborhood for the snow to melt. I wonder what that’s about.

- I wasn’t being fair to "Premonition" earlier. It didn’t really suck.

- Oh wait, yes it did. That movie really really sucked. Do yourself a favor and see it so you can find out for yourself how badly it sucks.

- Did you happen to catch the E! True Hollywood Story of "Mean Girls" yet? Those Tina Fey junket interviews from when the movie was released where she praises Lindsay Lohan’s talent and professionalism seem really dated now. It reminded me of the SNL opening monologue from MC Hammer in the early 90’s where he said everything was going great for him and he couldn’t believe how well his albums were selling. Poor Hammer.

Funny article in the Chicago Sun-Times today about the White Sox. Pay attention to the writer's use of newspaper-friendly words in brackets to account for Ozzie's curse words. It's like watching "Casino" on TBS.

One day I hope to see something like this:

"Man, this guy is a piece of [garbage]. This mother [lousy] is a [gosh-darn] joke. He should stay out of my [lousy] business or I'll [hurt] this [lousy] [gosh-darn] [garbage]."

-When did VH1 turn into the E! channel?

-“Entourage” is one of my favorite shows, yet it still manages to disappoint me every week. I am thankful that they didn’t go too far with the “Dom” character though.

-I wonder if Mark Buehrle wishes that Ozzie Guillen would have selected Liriano for the All-Star team instead of him. Now he gets two whole days of reporters dissecting his 9-5 record and mediocre ERA.

-Speaking of baseball, do you think the Mariners signed Carl Everett because there are some White Sox minor leaguers that they’re interested in, but they didn’t know how else to get them?
-The button on the cuff of my favorite shirt fell off. I’m not the type that can roll my sleeves Miami Vice-style, so I guess I’ll have to throw it away. Otherwise a perfectly good shirt, it’s strange that something so small could ruin it.

-Do you think Tommy John is upset that his legacy in baseball is for radical arm surgery? The man won 288 friggin games! And yes, I had to look that up. But wow! 288 games! To put that in perspective, coming into this season, Pedro had won 197.

-Was that whole “shirt button” thing covered in a Seinfeld episode once? It sounds familiar. Can something be plagiarism if you didn’t know you copied the idea?

-As a White Sox fan, I couldn’t be happier that there isn’t a White Sox version of “Fever Pitch”. Watching Drew Barrymore run circles around Aaron Rowand to avoid US Cellular Field security in centerfield during a playoff game would have been enough for me to kill myself.

-To be fair, I actually liked most of that movie. But how could the producers think the last 20 minutes were a good idea?

-For my health's sake, I'm lucky that I only recently discovered Dairy Queen's Heath Bar blizzard.

-I just went pee for the first time in like a full day. I was expecting full flowage for a good couple minutes. But it turned out to be just normal.

-What does the inside of a water tower look like? Is it filled with water like a tall pool? Am I a moron for not knowing this?

The starting lineup for your 2006 American League All-Stars:

1. Derek Jeter - SS
2. Tadahito Iguchi - 2B
3. Paul Konerko - 1B
4. Manny Ramirez - LF
5. Jermaine Dye - RF
6. Joe Crede - 3B
7. AJ Pierzynski - C
8. Grady Sizemore - CF ("Dis kid iz gud")
9. Jose Contreras - P

"My only regret is no Thome. Dis kid do it for me all year and he deserve to be on this team."

Freedom of speech does not equate to being allowed to say anything you want at any time without repercussions. Ozzie Guillen never learned that. He can say that Jay Mariotti is a fag (and he's probably right), and freedom of speech will protect him from being arrested for it. However, MLB has a responsibility to protect itself from being embarrassed, and this particular comment was embarrassing to Ozzie, embarrassing to the White Sox, and embarrassing to MLB.

So yes, Ozzie should be fined and suspended for a game or two.

I'm gonna try and figure out how to get myself a press pass so I can hold a mic in front of Ozzie Guillen and tell him lies.

Me: “Hey Ozzie, Kerry Wood mentioned yesterday that your kids shouldn't be allowed in the Sox dugout during games. How do you respond?”

Ozzie: “How I respond? [Bleep] him…….who is.........wait........[bleep] him. Who is that guy? Tell him I'll [bleepin] kill him. He no even peech in 3 years. [Bleep] him.”

Then I’ll mention how Magglio thinks the Tigers are the best team in the AL Central.

I wish I could be there while Bobby Jenks is drinking his morning coffee and reading the paper when he gets to the Ozzie Guillen quotes about him.

Ozzie – “That fat, lazy, piece of [bleep] needs to get in shape.”

Bobby – [spits coffee all over himself] “son of a………not again!”

“It’s going to be a catfight to the end.” – White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen on this year’s AL Central race.

Can we assume he meant “dogfight”?

See, the great thing about rooting for a team with Ozzie Guillen as manager are the “Lost in Translation” comments that come afterwards. We get to hear such classics as “[bleep] [bleep] son of a [bleep]” and “I don’t give a [bleep], he can go [bleep]”, or even “I will eat his children”. Or was that Mike Tyson? I can’t remember.

Regardless, after every White Sox game, we are treated to the luxury of listening to Ozzie spew his “truths”, and for that I am truly thankful. Now go [bleep] yourself.

(posted by Brian, but courtesy of Donald)