Monday, May 19, 2008

I'll write my own man-laws, thank you

I'm not sure who Steve Calechman thinks he is (other than Steve Calechman), but his list of 18 things a grown man should never have is way off. I like his idea, but hate his list. First of all, why 18? Could he not think of 2 more? Or 7 more? Or 3 fewer? Here are some of them that I have a problem with:

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

Fair enough. Although he should have just said "a black eye from a fistfight" because I can think of 3 or 4 ways off the top of my head to get a black eye that doesn't involve fists. And no, I will not elaborate. Also, isn't it funny how the words "black eye", when spoken fast, can be confused with the words "black guy"? Saying "he's got a black eye" has a completely different meaning than "he's got a black guy." Okay moving on.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

He should clarify this one as well to "a witty work e-mail signature". A witty personal e-mail signature is always a good idea.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.

This is where he completely lost me. He's about to get pretty pompous with the next few bullet points, so #5 leads me to believe that Steve is just a liar. How many non-domestic beers require a bottle opener? Almost all of them? And Steve wants me to believe that having one handy at all times is a bad thing? No way. I used my key chain bottle opener 4 or 5 times yesterday. I love me some Stella.

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.


7. An unstamped passport.


8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.


9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

Coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper? Where is he getting his coffee, bagels, and Sunday papers where they cost $20?

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

Ha! Shenanigans! A complete contradiction to his point behind #5. Why doesn't he just come out and say "no Miller, Bud, or Coors products"? His pompousness is tiring me. For a guy who likes to reference beer, I doubt he even drinks it.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

No it doesn't. It reminds people that you're not a screenwriter.

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  1. Brian Says:

    Hey Douche,
    You forgot to write about 5 of them.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Actually it was 9. But I didn't forget.