Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A Sex and the City follow-up

Jill dragged me to Sex and the City last night*. I'd like to tell you that I missed the whole thing because my eyes were bleeding, but that's not true. No, I tried to force my eyes to bleed, but I didn't have a fork handy and I didn't want to use my fingers because they were still a little bit dirty from having done yardwork earlier. So instead I had to sit there and take it.

* She didn't drag me. It was my idea. I didn't think I would mind it, plus I actually watched most of the episodes on TV back in the day when it came on before The Sopranos. So what the hell, right?

We were in the theater with about 40 other females and 3 other guys. Before the movie started, the 4 of us guys had a debate amongst us on who had the smallest pair of balls. Sadly I don't think we ever came up with a "winner", but looking back, my case was just as strong as any of theirs. Except for the one guy who had no balls at all who was there with his sister. I mean honestly man, your sister? You can say no to your sister. There's no "taking one for the team" with your sister. That was just ill-played. The sad thing is he knew it. Poor bastard. As for the movie itself, I can say in all honesty that the 1st hour of this thing was the worst 60 minutes I have ever experienced at a movie theater. And remember this is coming from someone who once saw The Beverly Hillbillies on the big screen. And that Chris Farley movie where he plays a ninja. And 8 Heads in a Dufflebag. And the Police Academy movie where they go to Miami.**

** One of the most regrettable decisions to ever come from my childhood was my answer to the question, "which would you rather see, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure or Police Academy Assignment Miami Beach?" To be fair, I was only 10 years old at the time. Neat aside - I think another option would have been Say Anything, but I doubt I would have understood that movie anyway. "Why are they taking Frazier's dad to jail? What did he do wrong? Wait, who is Frazier's dad?"

And then something happened after those first 60 minutes - the movie got better. Not better as in "wow I'm enjoying this" better, but better as in "wow I no longer wish I had that fork" better. The best part turned out to be the girl sitting next to us who kept snorting at every funny line. Now to be clear, I'm using the word "funny" with discretion. Perhaps I should modify that sentence to read "the girl sitting next to us who kept snorting at every line that SHE THOUGHT was funny". Yeah that makes more sense. But this girl was great. She totally kept me occupied for the final 90 minutes of this thing.

Wait, did I say the final 90 minutes?!? Yes I did. The movie started at 7 and we didn't get out of there until 9:30. Apparently when you're a producer in Hollywood who has ugly actors to star in a movie with a sub par script, you want to stretch it out as long as possible for your audience. Well played Mr. Producer. So after the 2.5 hours, Jill and I pretty much had the same reaction:

Jill: "Not bad, but I should have seen that with a group of girls."
Brian: "Not bad, but you should have seen that with a group of girls."

All in all though, it wasn't a total waste. Like I said, the last 90 minutes were actually okay. But for you guys, if you end up being dragged to this thing, bring a magazine or a book or something for the first hour so you have something to keep you occupied.

Or a fork.

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