Monday, June 30, 2008

The Legend in his own mind

Do you have any files stored away in a folder on your computer somewhere that you haven't looked at in a while? I recently came across one such file on my work computer. It was a Word doc from back in the day (mostly from 2001 to 2003). Around that time, I sat next to a guy at work who was about my age who we all termed as "The Legend" behind his back. Any story someone would tell, The Legend had one similar and just a little bit better. Sometimes it was a hell of a lot better. To this day, I'm convinced that Kristen Wiig stole her "one-upper" character from this guy. One of my habits when he'd be in the middle of one of his stories would be to open up a Word doc and type what he was saying word-for-word. Then I'd date it and save it. The document itself came to be known as "The Legend in his own Mind" and it has some pretty brilliant material in it. Unfortunately, The Legend left the company in the fall of 2003, so that's where his stories stopped. But thanks to the word doc, his memory will forever live on. So I give to you now a taste of The Legend. Remember, everything posted here were his actual stories. Some of them have comments from me [in italics] to clarify the context for you. I'll leave you with one final disclaimer: When we knew him, he was in his mid to late 20's, he was no taller than 5'8" or so, and he was probably about 150 lbs. You'll see why this is important when you read some of these. Enjoy.


I was asked from a buddy of mine if I wanted to play in the XFL. (12/29/00)

I make $80,000 per year working for a dance company. (01/04/01 - keep in mind that there's no way he made that much working for our company, which he worked for full time. So that begged the question, why the need for 2 jobs?)

I was the star of the football team in High School. I had Division 1 scholarship offers but I hurt my knee. (01/24/01)

When I was a senior in high school, I weighed 195 lbs with 6% body fat. (05/16/01)

I was running 10’s in the quarter mile in my Honda CRX. (06/08/01)

Dude, I once pulled a 2000 lb popup camper cross-country with my Ford Probe. (2/17/02 - this was in response to me telling him that I needed to buy a bigger car to be able to pull the boat that I had just purchased. In case you're wondering, I ended up trading in a Sebring for a Durango. I never did get much use out of that boat though)

When I was in high school, I did a triathalon. (02/19/02)

I know Jenny McCarthy. She used to hang out with us. She and I dated for a while. (02/21/02)

I met and hung out with the cast of Real World Chicago. I hooked up with Kara and didn’t know she was with the Real World until the next morning when I walked out of her bedroom in my boxers and there was a camera in my face. I had to sign a waiver to agree to be on TV. (02/21/02 - fuckin' brilliant)

When I worked at the airport, one of the pilots would take us up and let us sky dive whenever we wanted to for free. (03/11/02)

I have a house on a lake. (03/14/02. When asked why he doesn’t live there, he said it’s because he rents it out. Fair enough. I mean if I owned a house on a lake, I would totally rent it out and spend all my time living in a townhouse in bloody Schaumburg, IL)

My uncle filled in for members of KISS. (04/01/02)

I went to 12 proms my senior year. (04/02/02)

I used to work for a company and was in charge of putting in hardwood floors, tile, and grout. (04/05/02)

I painted my street to the exact specifications of the motorcycle test. (04/11/02, and my favorite. He's basically saying that out in front of his house, ON A PUBLIC STREET, he was out there with a can of spray paint and putting down lines in order to be able to practice on his motorcycle for the dreaded motorcycle test. Even now, I'm not sure why he would even lie about this. It's so ridiculous, yet so brilliant)

On Wednesday, I got into an argument with a guy in a car while on my motorcycle. I stopped in the middle of traffic and punched my fist through his window. I didn’t know the window would break. I hopped back on my bike and took off. (04/19/02)

I met a guy at [the mall] who has a $13,000 Ducati. He let me ride it and I was going so fast that I had to drag my knees on the ground when I turned. (04/25/02)

I worked at U. S. Cellular for two years. (05/03/02)

The dance company I work for went to a Russian bar on Friday. It was a 6 to 1 ratio women to men. All the ladies were topless. We left! (05/06/02)

I was a boxer for 3 years. (05/13/02)

I jumped into the ocean from a helicopter four stories high with fins on. My uncle who was in the Navy made me do it. (06/07/02)

I’ve been on a jet helicopter. (06/07/02)

I can trace every male in my family that has been in the military for eight generations. (06/07/02)

I played basketball with Kevin Garnett at the YMCA a few years ago. He was tall, but he wasn’t that good. (08/24/02 - no words)

Dude, I would know; I used to be a personal trainer. (08/29/02 - how many jobs can one person have who's been a part of the work force for only 5 years or so? Apparently the number is 10.)

I successfully defended myself in court. I cross examined the police officer. After I was finished the whole courtroom clapped. This is the third time I’ve done this. (09/19/02)

The night before court I was waiting for girl in a bar. In 40 minutes I single handedly drank 5 pitchers of beer and three shots!! (09/20/02)

I slept in a tent in my boxers when it was 22 degrees. (09/20/02 - not worth this list, and I can't remember the context. I wish I would have included a comment on this one. What could we possibly have been talking about where it would have been appropriate for him to lie about this? I have no idea)

I was racing with my friends at night going to a motorcycle meet in Lake Geneva. I was riding so fast that I got tunnel vision. Before I knew it I was 10 miles past were I was supposed to be. (10/14/02)

I went to apply for a security position in a sports store. The hiring manager took my application and said he would get back with me. I stole about $3,000 worth of sport goods and put them in my truck. I went back to the store and spoke with the hiring manager. I asked him to come to my truck and I showed him all the goods. He asked me how I got it and I said “Hire me and I’ll show you!!” (10/18/02, and my 2nd favorite. This one almost takes the place as my favorite, but it happened after the motorcycle test lie, so it's hard for me to move it to #1)

I went to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. I didn't get a room on purpose because I stayed with a different girl every night I was there!!" (02/13/03 - believe it or not, there's a good chance that this wasn't a lie. But for whatever reason in February of 2003, I decided that it was good enough to be put on this list. Maybe it's because it would seem to be an outlandish tale for anyone except The Legend)

When I was 18 years old I bought a Corvette. I only had it for three months. (08/13/03 - this one was only funny because a minute earlier, another co-worker of ours was mentioning that he had just bought a Corvette. The Legend was now claiming to have owned one despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of this before)

When I worked at O’Hare setting up cones on the runway, I stood on the runway as a plane landed. It lifted me up and carried me 100 ft into a fence. I couldn’t breath. (09/24/03 – you may remember this from a scene in the movie “Pushing Tin”. Yep, a group of people around the office were discussing this scene when The Legend chimed in with “yeah I’ve done that before”)


And that's that. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. And I hope The Legend is out there somewhere today, coming up with ridiculous shenanigans for his current co-workers. That possibility makes me smile.

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  1. Jane Says:

    Those were great. I think everyone knows a one-upper, but he really is the best one-upper I've ever heard of. (I bet he'd love to know he was the best (for real) at something.)

  2. Brian Says:

    Yeah we should make an abbreviated list:

    1. Dated Katie Holmes
    2. Dated Jenny McCarthy
    3. Better at basketball than KG
    4. Best one-upper ever

    I didn't include this in the post, but he also once told a story to a group of people [me included] that wasn't even his story. He was reciting the same exact story that I told him a few weeks prior. I didn't even bust him out in front of everyone, but I should have. So afterwards, I went up to him and I said "Legend, that didn't happen to you, that happened to ME. I told you that story a couple weeks ago." His response: "Oh, yeah it happened to me too."

    He truly was (is) one of a kind.

  3. Gonzo Says:

    Fucking brilliant.

  4. Hef Says:

    This was your mom.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    The Legend = Clown's stories in Puerto Penasco

    ~Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Alternate Response:

    I thought this link was Hef's mom.

    /and my dad


  7. Gonzo Says:

    I'm still dead.