1 Happy St

See if you can notice the spelling mistake on these player's NIT Championship T-Shirts. Was Borat in charge of making these things?

A: "Hey, what’s the name of that place for gyros in Greektown that we went to?"

B: "Greektown Gyro’s."

A: "Okay, thanks."

- I think we’re all better off that the name ‘Ulysses’ never really caught on.

- Why are Opening Day’s in MLB always sold out? The game itself means nothing and it’s always so cold outside.

- I suppose that outsourcing our work to India has it’s Pro’s and Khan’s.

- It’s pretty sad that the previous random made my final cut. I hope that doesn’t mean I have to retire this idea soon.

- Is it really that big a shock that Chinese Food is bad for you? It tastes good, it’s convenient, and it’s prepared in under 30 seconds. Gee, what were the odds?

- Do you think Meijer wants to be Costco when he grows up?

- Everyone loves an upset, but you have to admit, the Final Four looks a lot better when there’s good teams involved.

- Jill and I are going camping this weekend. Her idea of "roughing it" is going to a hotel that uses real keys, and this weekend’s weather forecast calls for lows in the 40’s. This should be fun.

- I may have to call shenanigans on this whole Weight Watchers system. I’m allowed 31 points, but does that mean I can fill up on 31 points worth of candy all day? Something tells me that wouldn’t be healthy either.

- A guy I work with has the sniffles and I just noticed it. My day is ruined.

- Was ‘Never Eat Soggy Wheat’ the best we could come up with?

- Ten or fifteen years ago, did you think Best Buy would eventually dominate the electronics market over Circuit City? That’s a pretty big upset, no?

- These television networks really have to stop putting all their best shows on Thursday night. My Tivo can’t keep up.

- It’s probably a good rule of thumb to never purchase insurance from a guy who asks to be referred to by his nickname.

- Old Guy stopped by yesterday to talk about PermaSeal, and I noticed he went out of his way to not say my name. Even as he was leaving, he said 'I'll talk to you later' rather than his usual 'See you later Mike'. He mentioned that he had PermaSeal come out to work on his basement after they were finished with mine. I just hope they didn't tip him off. I feel horribly about this. I'll keep you all posted.

Max Cap 65 Pass. No Standees Permitted

I'm not sure what to make of this story from The Michigan Daily, but I do know that Eastern Michigan University is Greg's alma mater.

Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch. While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating. No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, fraternity member Dan Nye said. When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point. She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left. According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs. "Obviously, she was very disturbed," Nye said. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people." The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University. Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said. Police said the break-in appeared to be an isolated incident.

Isolated huh? Ya think?

I didn't think ahead far enough to send you a card, but I hope this makes up for that. Just remember this video later when you're eating your birthday cake!

24 SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

Okay, so Monday night, President Palmer is in a coma and is on the brink of death. That hospital machine that television shows and movies use to imply that a patient is about to die is working overtime with that loud, flat beeping noise, so things are looking bleak for good ole' Mr. Prez. Cut to thirteen miraculous minutes later. A screen shot of a seemingly well-rested Palmer talking on a cell phone, calling the shots again. What exactly happened in those 13 minutes?!?!?!?!

In the time it takes for me to make a frozen pizza, President Palmer managed to stop his hospital machine straight-line, snap out of his coma, gather himself enough to realize that his VP is launching an attack on a foreign country (a nameless foreign country I might add, at least as far as I can tell), knows which battleship to call to "cancel" his VP's Hitler-esque order, knows the phone number for that battleship (can you call 411 for this? Uh, hello, Battleship? It's me, the President), makes his call and somehow saves the day just in the nick of time. Oh, and it appears that he feels fine now, minus that scratch on his face that he's covering up with that stylish white bandaid.

I know I've asked this a few times already this season, but can somebody please tell me if the writers have simply given up? I'll accept that excuse. They had a good run. I'd be out of ideas too.

I recently read a magazine article about current volcanic activity at Mount St. Helens in Washington and how geologists are fascinated with resulting new lava domes from magma that has pushed its way to the surface. Pretty nerdy stuff I know. The article of course referenced the eruption of 1980 in which 57 people died and the destruction caused nearly $1 billion in damages. What I found interesting about the article though was a throw-in comment that stated something along the lines of if Mount St. Helens were to erupt today with the same force that it did 27 years ago, the death toll and damages would be considerably higher today than it was back then. At first I thought 'well that makes sense, things are more expensive nowadays'. But then I got to thinking a little bit more. What the hell is out there that could be destroyed? Did people really rebuild their homes on that sonofabitch?

If you're a fan of American Idol, then you know that one of the contestants who still remains in the competition as of today is Gina Glocksen of Naperville, IL. But what you probably don't know is that her current boyfriend, Joe, is a friend of a friend of mine. So for the last month or so, I've been privy to emails that Joe has sent out on a distribution list to everyone he knows, begging them to continue voting for her. I have to tell you, each email has become increasingly less masculine than the previous.

A few highlights:

Make sure you all Rock the Glock tonight. If she makes it past tonight, she's guaranteed a spot on the American Idol tour.

Please try to VOTE as many times as you can for the entire two hours, AND please continue to forward this on to as many people as possible. As always, we are eternally grateful for everything you are doing for our GLOCKSTAR!

Keep on ROCKING THE GLOCK and may the G-FORCE be with you!

Headline seen: Prognosis on [Kerry] Wood not good
You know, if he was a horse, he'd have been shot by now.

Okay, so Al Gore's house uses a lot of energy. Sure, that would make him a hypocrite, but does that make his message wrong?

And Mr. Gore, if what you say is true, I really don't think me changing out my lightbulbs is gonna fix it. Come to me when you have a real solution. I'd even be willing to pay higher utility bills.

You know what the best part of a 75 degree day in late March is? There's potential for 6 more months of this.

But seriously, guy with the lawnmower on Sunday morning, was that really necessary?

Why doesn't every Major League Baseball team play the same schedule? I understand the reasoning in football (it's only a 16 game schedule). But the baseball season is 162 games. I think that's more than enough time to make it even.

You can always tell when the service representative you're on the phone with either gets his phone monitored or is surveyed afterwards by the customer. For the record Shaun from Chrysler Roadside Assistance, you did an excellent job.

Have you ever noticed that baking soda is used for like 218 different things, none of which are baking?

"You know, you've been dressing a lot nicer since you got married" is not a compliment. Neither is "so, the wife's got you cooking now?"

Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventures that's beyond compare. They are the Gummi bears, do do do, do do do. They are the Gummi BEARS!

This movie looks brilliant.

Trailer 1


Trailer 2

Headline seen: Company can't explain why its pet food is fatal

The way I see it, they have 2 options:
1. The George Costanza 'I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this one' defense
2. The Tim Hardaway 'my bad' defense

Personally, I'd go with option 2.

'Yes, we realize that the sole purpose of our existence as a company is to supply food for pets, and yes, we realize that the food we are supplying is killing them. But you know what? It's not like we're proud of it. It's completely our bad.'

I should be in P.R.

I have no will power whatsoever.

A co-worker just went around asking if anyone wanted anything from Coldstone Creamery. Those of you who don't have these ice cream establishments in your community should be thanking your lucky stars because Coldstone ice cream is pure evil in a cup.

I know this. I know that its fattening and probably a weeks worth of calories in a single serving but did I tell her 'no thanks'? No, I didn't.

I'm sitting here freezing my butt off because, like a moron, I decided to wear a short sleeve shirt today and its like 33 degrees out. I'm shivering. Did that dissuade me from having her pick me up some ice cream? No, it didn't.

I'm also noticing that when I eat ice cream or drink a lot of milk, I tend not to feel so good afterwards, but was that reason enough to pass up Coldstone? Hell no.

And it's not like I'm all that hungry either. I just got back from lunch! So what the hell is wrong with me? I'm lactose intolerant, freezing, and full and I just ordered a small cup of mint & brownie. Evil in a cup.

Maybe I should have ordered the medium.

"One of the things I talked about was we're not here playing for UConn. We're not playing for the coaching staff. We're not playing for the fans, none of that stuff. When you're playing at Connecticut, it's because of all the text messages and e-mails that I got this week from former players. That's who we're playing for." - University of Connecticut women's basketball coach Gino Auriemma.

I hope that's not his prepared locker room speech.

Last night I had a Brian Regan moment. I was finishing up a purchase at a store and I was at the checkout counter just about ready to leave. Expecting the checkout girl to say something to me like 'have a nice evening' or something, I had my clichéd response of 'you too' all ready to go. But she threw me a curveball and instead said 'do you want your receipt?' Now I’ll admit that I was only partially paying attention to her. I was in my own little world, making sure my money was in order in my wallet or perhaps I was thinking about where I parked the car. Regardless, I didn’t answer her question. Instead, I responded with 'you too' and walked away.

Ugh.

I got all the way to the door before that little alarm in my head went off, you know the one that says 'hey moron, you just made a fool of us.' So I turned back around and the girl was still staring back at me with my receipt in her hand.

"I’m sorry, what did you say?" I asked.

"Do you want this?" she said, holding up my receipt.

"Oh. Yes I do, thank you very much," I said as I grabbed it.

"Okay, well have a nice evening," she said.

"Yeah, you too."

So I was at the physical therapist last night as I continue my treatment for back and neck pain. I've been going for 3 weeks now and frankly I don't feel all that much better but I'm sticking with it for the time being.

They usually start me off with 15 minutes or so of electro therapy followed by 20-30 minutes of massage therapy. After which, the head therapist will come in and check my alignment. She's been checking my pelvis which apparently was out of alignment causing the pain in my lower back.

Yesterday, after the massage therapist worked on my back, therapist #2 came into the room and had me lay on my back to examine my pelvis (I was fully clothed, mind you). After doing whatever she does to measure my hips she stood back and said, "Well that's about as perfect as I've ever seen." I'm not kidding. That's what she said.

I couldn't help myself. I laughed out loud. I mean it's not every day that a guy has a trained medical professional examine his pelvic region and proclaim perfection. But I guess after I laughed, she realized what she said and got embarrassed because she quickly excused herself from the room. Poor girl. I should have told her not to be embarrassed for telling me what I already knew.

- What’s the difference between a box of Somoas and a box of Caramel deLites?

- I like how the White Sox beat reporters don’t even fix Ozzie Guillen’s Spanglish anymore when they quote him in the newspaper, they just print it word for word. They no go to [expletive] trouble of translating.

- Everyone I know who has a Sprint cell phone complains about their coverage and service. So why do people continue to use them?

- I think it was a good idea for Shell to install those TV monitors at their pumps. There’s nothing more boring than waiting for your gas tank to fill. But would it kill them to show something interesting besides busted Tonight Show bits?

- Every time I hang up the phone after ordering out for Chinese, I always think to myself that there’s no way that lady understood me. But then when my food arrives, it’s always exactly what I ordered. Kinda funny.

- I saw "Premonition" starring Sandra Bullock on Sunday night. It’s pretty good, if you’re that type of person who likes movies that really suck.

- There’s always one small spot in my backyard that will take 2 or 3 days longer than every other spot in the neighborhood for the snow to melt. I wonder what that’s about.

- I wasn’t being fair to "Premonition" earlier. It didn’t really suck.

- Oh wait, yes it did. That movie really really sucked. Do yourself a favor and see it so you can find out for yourself how badly it sucks.

- Did you happen to catch the E! True Hollywood Story of "Mean Girls" yet? Those Tina Fey junket interviews from when the movie was released where she praises Lindsay Lohan’s talent and professionalism seem really dated now. It reminded me of the SNL opening monologue from MC Hammer in the early 90’s where he said everything was going great for him and he couldn’t believe how well his albums were selling. Poor Hammer.

"I still have a ways to go," said Sammy Sosa after making the Texas Rangers 40-man roster. "Just because I made the team doesn't mean I get to slow down. No way. And now that my HGH dealer got busted, I have to find a new one. So I'm not home free just yet."

Former Milwaukee Bucks head coach Terry Stotts spoke candidly about his recent firing from the team. "Most coaches won’t admit this," said Stotts. "But we want to get fired. Now I can sit at home, continue to get paid, and someone else will have to answer for that busted team. My only regret is this didn’t happen earlier in the season."

ESPN agreed this week to carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship this summer. Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood was invited, but declined the invitation. "It sounds fun," said Wood. "But I don’t want to injure my achilles."

Former Detroit Tigers outfielder Bobby Higginson said the feelings he had as he watched his former team competing in the World Series last October were bittersweet because he had to watch the games from home. "I was happy for the guys, but it was still bittersweet for me personally," said Higginson. "It seems that I was there for the bad times, but I missed out on the good. Then again, I was probably the main reason for the bad."

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson was sentenced to 120 days in jail on Thursday for violating his probation in a 2005 weapons case. "I’m obviously disappointed in the ruling," said Tank. "Honestly, what does it say about our court system that a rich and famous man like me can’t get away with simple weapon and drug charges?"

Tim Hardaway is working on repairing his image after last month's radio interview in which he admitted to hating gay people. "Next time I'll keep in mind the cardinal sin of radio interviews," said Hardaway. "Never admit to hating gays out loud."

Former Reds manager Pete Rose admitted on ESPN Radio’s Dan Patrick Show earlier this week that he bet his team would win before every one of their games. "Yeah, I did," said Rose. "I’m a big jag-bag."

Well said Pete, well said.

I used to think that the mediocre live performances by American Idol contestants was simply the result of them being mediocre singers. But after last night, I’m no longer sure. Maybe it’s just that live singing doesn’t come across very well on television. Did any of you happen to catch Diana Ross on the show last night? Was there anything about that performance that made you realize why she’s one of the most famous and successful female singers of all time? It’s too bad the judges weren’t allowed to critique it afterwards. Here’s how it would have sounded (if they were being honest of course)

Randy: "I don’t know dawg, that was just aiiight for me, ya know? It was a little pitchy. Maybe it just wasn’t the right song-choice for you. I don’t know, it was just aiight for me. Paula?"

Paula: "You have a grace and a presence on stage that just……[pause]……comes through when you sing. You look beautiful and you just……[pause]……nonsense nonsense nonsense somebody please kill me."

Simon: "I agree with Randy, that was an utterly forgettable performance, just dreadful actually. You sounded like a cruise singer and you looked like a hooker. Absolutely dreadful."

Diana better get her act together if she wants to make it through to the later rounds.

Baseball's all-time hit king, Pete Rose, admitted yesterday on the Dan Patrick ESPN Radio program that he bet on the his team "every night" while managing the Cincinnati Reds. "I bet on my team to win every night because I love my team, I believe in my team," Rose said. "I did everything in my power every night to win that game."

It's too early to tell how this will affect his chances at induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame but its fair to say that Rose is now a shoe-in to be inducted into the Bad Gamblers' Hall of Fame.

It is the time of year here at work where they help us review our 401k plans. They tried to advise me against it, but I told them I wanted to put all my money into egg baskets. I just have a really good feeling about Easter this year.

How come you never hear of anyone getting ear jobs? I think a lot more people have goofy looking ears than people that have hideous noses.

I have pictures of my kids, nieces, nephews, and some of my co-workers' kids up in my cubicle. To an outsider, it probably looks like I'm trying to give Evander Holyfield a run for his money.

I downloaded the original Super Mario Bros. for the Wii Virtual Console last night. I used to be able to finish the game in about 10 minutes but I can't believe how hard the game is now. That has to be sure sign that I'm getting old. (And yes, I know that the actual original Mario Bros. wasn't SUPER, but you know what I mean.)

I've been going to physical therapy for my bad back and neck. I was skeptical but I highly recommend it. Especially if you like being touched in uncomfortable ways by women who look like mail order brides. Apparently some of the qualifications to be a physical therapist are broken english, crooked teeth, hairy moles and Jordache jeans.

I am in three NCAA basketball tournament pools and I have no idea why. I watched exactly one college basketball game this year and that was only because someone gave me tickets. I didn't watch a single game on TV, nor did I pay attention to SportsCenter during the college basketball segments for one minute until last week. So why do I think I have any business guessing who's going to win?

My next door neighbor, who is by my estimation between 35-40 years old, was outside last night racing his remote control car around the neighborhood until about 10:00. I was very tempted to go out and tell him that he was too old to be playing with remote control cars but I didn't want to interrupt my game of Super Mario Bros.

Today my work is celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Lunch is being served and we're all supposed to be dressed in green.

Here is a quick dialogue between me and a co-worker of mine:

Me: "Do you know why we're celebrating St. Patrick's Day today instead of Friday?"
Him: "Isn't St. Patrick's Day always the 2nd Wednesday of every March?"
Me: "Never mind, I'll ask somebody else."

Woh woh woh woh.
Woh woh woh woh woh.
Woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh.
Woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh woh.
Woh woh woh.

[Candyman by Christina Aguilera, as sung by Linus's teacher from Peanuts]

Welcome to all the readers that have linked here from The Corner. We hope you will take some time to look around. We tend not to get too political here at 1 Happy St. but there's something here for everyone. Okay, well maybe not everyone. In the words of Vincent Antonelli, the patron saint of 1 Happy St, "Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, but then they don't all."

- I have three pairs of jeans from Old Navy and all three of them are the exact same size, but only one of them fits me right. What's that about?

- You know you've completely wasted your Sunday when you find yourself watching a movie on HBO West after having watched the exact same movie on HBO East three hours earlier. Even worse if it's a pointless movie like "Drop Dead Fred" or something.

- How long do you think it's awkward for the executives of two formerly competing companies after they merge? And do you think it’s longer or shorter than the awkwardness of a family member getting back together with their ex after the whole family bad-mouthed them during the breakup?

- Kids today have no idea what they’re missing with no Saturday morning cartoons.

- I don’t think it’s a good omen for my diet that after I found out how many Weight Watchers points I’m allowed, my first thought was "Hey, that’s the same number of ice cream flavors that Baskin Robbins has."

- People who wear that hands-free cell phone accessory around their ear should also be required to wear a sign around their neck that says "Yes, I’m on the phone and no, I’m not a crazy person who talks to myself."

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you have to help me. I am severely depressed, and I’ve lost my will to live. Is there anything you can prescribe me?"

- I just had a slice of pineapple for the first time since I was in Hawaii back in October. I didn’t realize it until now, but Hawaii must have turned me into a pineapple snob because today’s pineapple really sucked.

- Remember when the Bears were beating the Saints in the NFC Championship game and all the players were smiling and dancing around and Lovie Smith was getting Gatorade dumped on him and the whole city of Chicago was planning a huge party? How long ago was that again?

- I’m worried about "24". It’s like the producers don’t even care what they make Jack do anymore. At this point, he could blow up a children’s hospital and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. I bet Bill Buchanan would even defend him for doing it.

- If you make a quick run to the store looking like you just woke up or you’re wearing sweatpants or something, what are the odds that you’ll see someone you know? 95%? Maybe 96?

- I hate that the movie theater makes me put my own butter on my popcorn now. For as much as it costs, the least they could do is continue handling that for me.

- If there’s a real possibility that having my cell phone turned on in a hospital can screw up a machine that is keeping someone alive, shouldn’t there be a better way to police that I actually turned it off rather than relying on the honor system?

- The first part that usually goes on all of my shirts is the left sleeve right at the elbow. Even now, I’m not sure what I do that makes that part of the shirt wear out first.

- This will probably be my last posting of the week. If it’s not, I’ll see you tomorrow. If it is, enjoy your weekend, don’t forget to fix your clocks, and try to enjoy the longer day.

Headline seen: "Woman sues doctors for child-rearing costs after failed abortion"

Even if you don't believe in hell, you gotta believe that this woman is going somewhere bad after this life, right?

'Acute' doesn't sound like what it actually means.

I was at Subway today and there was a sign posted on the pop machine that said, "Subway is currently switching to another fountain drink to enhance your dining experience." I think the rule should be that if you describe any item on your menu with a form of measurement (i.e. 6 inch sub, foot long hot dog, Quarter Pounder, Old 96er), you forfeit any usage of the phrase 'dining experience'.

Now would probably be a good time to pick up Ron Artest for your Fantasy Life leagues. Buy low.

The family and I just got home from Disney World. While down there, I had the thought that it would have been really ironic if I had run into an old friend while waiting in line for It's a Small World. We didn't though.

Minnie is pretty hot in person. I liked the black tights and the mini skirt but she also wears a bow on her head to give her that mouse-next-door look.

I have never taken any Spanish, but after a week of riding the Monorail, I can now alert Hispanics to stand clear of moving doors if ever the need arises.

Today was Thin Mint delivery day. 1 sleeve down, 3 to go.

Okay, so last night, I finally finished watching the Star Wars trilogy. You may recall that my journey started a little over a week ago when I noticed that Episode IV was scheduled to air on HBO. Having never seen any of the Star Wars movies, I tivo’d it just for fun. Then the next day, I set aside 150 minutes or so and watched it; I wasn’t particularly impressed. Then late last week, I saw that The Empire Strikes Back was scheduled to air, so I did the same thing. Ten minutes into this thing, I think I realized what all the fuss was about. Thirty minutes in and I was hooked. I know it. Who woulda thunk? So last night, HBO aired Return of the Jedi, and for 150 straight minutes, I was planted in front of the TV. No outside distractions like American Idol or Jill (just kidding Jill, you’re not a distraction). It was just me, my chair, a bottle of Gatorade, a Dove bar, and a box of Kleenex. I have a cold.

Today, I can officially say that I’m a fan. Not yet an expert, but I have no doubt that after a few more viewings (this is inevitable, and I DEFINITELY want to see Episode IV again), I will be one of those annoying people you hear debating things like "there’s no way Lando would have escaped the Death Star" or "those Imperial Walkers weren’t very economical".

In other words, today I am officially just a big dork like everyone else.

If you want people at work to think you're insane, do what I did on my way to the bathroom.

[right together, right together, left together, left together, forward, back, hop, hop, hop]

Alex (seeing me): "Dude, are you doing the bunny hop?"
Brian: "Yes I am"
Alex: "You're an idiot"
Brian: "Yes I am"

I'm not one that usually buys Lotto tickets, but now that the MegaMillions grand prize is up to $355 million, I keep getting invited to participate in group purchases. I realize the odds of winning are ridiculously small, but I can't help but think of how pissed I'd be if I declined to participate and that group actually ended up winning. Especially if it's one of the groups from work. Do I really want to be the only sucker that has to come back into the office tomorrow while everyone else is celebrating and quitting their jobs? No, I don't. So I always end up reluctantly pitching in $5 or so. In other words, twice a week, I take a $5 bill from my wallet and light it on fire (figuratively speaking).

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't wait for someone to actually win this thing so the total will roll over and I can get on with my life again.

When did it become popular for celebrities to say that the media took them of context rather than simply apologizing for what they said? Every celebrity that puts his or her foot in their mouth does this now. We hear things like, "I didn't say that I hate gays, I was taken out of context" or "I didn't cheat on my wife, I was taken out of context" or "I didn't shoot that guy, I was taken out of context." Can everyone start doing this, or have celebrities cornered the market? Like if Jill overhears me complaining about her driving, can I later claim that she took me out of context?

Just for the record, Jill is a great driver and she would never hear me complaining. But even if she did, I wouldn’t use the “taken out of context” defense. Instead, I would bust out the “my bad” defense. I think that’s more appropriate.

See if you can spot the 2 "mistakes" on this new Derek Jeter card. It seems that someone who works for Topps wanted to have some fun during the production of this card and added his/her own special touches. Some of them actually went out like this.