1 Happy St

Scary article about troubled Devil Ray's outfielder Elijah Dukes. The money quote:

"I'm not one of those people who have to get even. Just like the Bible says, if you know it's not true, you don't have to say anything and I haven't been saying anything."

I think it's quite obvious, but in case you were wondering, Elijah was referring to Paul's letters to the Corinthians.

Greg Oden, the likely 1st pick in next month's NBA Draft, had the following throw-in comment to the Indianapolis Star that I found funny:

"It's going to be different...I know [Portland]'s close to L.A. and I love that. I want to go to L.A. and go to the beach."

Thankfully, I have done the work for you and according to Google Maps, the distance from Portland to Los Angeles is 961 miles, or approximately 15 hours by car. That's quite the drive. Lets hope he doesn't forget his sunglasses.

"One of the things I talked about was we're not here playing for UConn. We're not playing for the coaching staff. We're not playing for the fans, none of that stuff. When you're playing at Connecticut, it's because of all the text messages and e-mails that I got this week from former players. That's who we're playing for." - University of Connecticut women's basketball coach Gino Auriemma.

I hope that's not his prepared locker room speech.

"I still have a ways to go," said Sammy Sosa after making the Texas Rangers 40-man roster. "Just because I made the team doesn't mean I get to slow down. No way. And now that my HGH dealer got busted, I have to find a new one. So I'm not home free just yet."

Former Milwaukee Bucks head coach Terry Stotts spoke candidly about his recent firing from the team. "Most coaches won’t admit this," said Stotts. "But we want to get fired. Now I can sit at home, continue to get paid, and someone else will have to answer for that busted team. My only regret is this didn’t happen earlier in the season."

ESPN agreed this week to carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship this summer. Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood was invited, but declined the invitation. "It sounds fun," said Wood. "But I don’t want to injure my achilles."

Former Detroit Tigers outfielder Bobby Higginson said the feelings he had as he watched his former team competing in the World Series last October were bittersweet because he had to watch the games from home. "I was happy for the guys, but it was still bittersweet for me personally," said Higginson. "It seems that I was there for the bad times, but I missed out on the good. Then again, I was probably the main reason for the bad."

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson was sentenced to 120 days in jail on Thursday for violating his probation in a 2005 weapons case. "I’m obviously disappointed in the ruling," said Tank. "Honestly, what does it say about our court system that a rich and famous man like me can’t get away with simple weapon and drug charges?"

Tim Hardaway is working on repairing his image after last month's radio interview in which he admitted to hating gay people. "Next time I'll keep in mind the cardinal sin of radio interviews," said Hardaway. "Never admit to hating gays out loud."

Former Reds manager Pete Rose admitted on ESPN Radio’s Dan Patrick Show earlier this week that he bet his team would win before every one of their games. "Yeah, I did," said Rose. "I’m a big jag-bag."

Well said Pete, well said.

If you haven’t heard by now, former NBA player Tim Hardaway stated yesterday in a radio interview that he hates gay people. That’s not a paraphrase, he actually said the words "I hate gay people". This of course was in reaction to another former NBA player John Amaechi recently coming out as being gay, and Hardaway was asked his feelings on the matter. Afterwards, Hardaway apologized for his comments by saying "I shouldn’t have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake."

I don’t know how you feel, but any time something like this happens, it puts a hop in my step. I live for situations like these. Look how close Hardaway came to using the "my bad" defense, substituting the word "bad" with "mistake". Wouldn’t you love it if more people started using this defense?

- Pete Rose, you gambled on baseball. "Yeah, that was my bad."
- Rae Carruth, you killed your former girlfriend. "Hmm, yeah, my bad on that."
- Brian, you’re not funny. "You’re right, my bad."
- George Bush, you got us stuck in Iraq with no way out. "Yeah, completely my bad."
- Barry Bonds, you took all those steroids. "F___ you!"

Some people need to work on their apologies.

-Cubs manager Dusty Baker said Derek Lee's still-healing right wrist may not be fully healed until the 2007 season. “I’m going to continue playing him this year though, even if it means possibly ruining his wrist even more because I’m probably getting fired soon anyway,” said Baker.

-Former Major Leaguer Jose Canseco retired only one batter Tuesday night while giving up four runs in the first All-Star game in the Independent Golden Baseball League. “I'm going to take these guys out and get them drunk," he said, motioning toward his teammates in the locker room. "I'm going to buy about 400 gallons of beer. Then when they are passed out, I'm going to secretly inject them with steroids and write about it in my next book.” (courtesy of Don)

-Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez committed a personal worst 3 errors in one game earlier this week. Asked to comment, general manager Brian Cashman said, “The worst move I ever made was trading Alfonso Soriano for this pansy. And you’re talking to the same guy who gave max deals to Kevin Brown and Carl Pavano. I wonder if we can collect insurance if someone Gillooly's his knees.”

-Barry Bonds escaped indictment for perjury Thursday, and his lawyer thinks that a lack of evidence is the only reason that could have happened. “That can’t be," said Bonds. "If that really is the case, I’m baffled. I mean really, have you seen my head?”

-The Cleveland Indians traded veteran closer Bob Wickman to the Braves on Thursday, getting minor league catcher Max Ramirez in return. Said Indians GM Mark Shapiro, “Yeah, we were surprised to get anything in return for Bob, so getting Ramirez was a bonus. To be honest, we were going to cut that fat bastard if we couldn’t find a team willing to trade for him.”

-The Blue Jays designated 3rd baseman Shea Hillenbrand for assignment after he wrote “the ship is sinking” on a clubhouse bulletin board. “We are a better team without him,” said Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi. “I would rather lose than sell myself out to have someone play here that says those type of things about the organization.” (wait, he actually DID say that. Never mind.)

If you selected Dwyane Wade in the pool for "player most likely to thank God" after the NBA Finals, you win. I lost for selecting Gary Payton, but I feel I was robbed by ABC because he was barely interviewed.