1 Happy St

Q: What does Greg have in common with the Detroit Lions offense?
A: We're both going three and out!

That's right. Following the birth of kid number three several weeks ago, it's that time. Soon, my swim team will retire from competition and be restricted to recreational swimming only.

Today was my intial consult visit with the doctor who will be performing the procedure. Basically, the point of the appointment was to go over the important information before any final decisions are made.

The nurse called me into the room, as is the standard operating procedure for any doctor visit, even when there is not going to be any operating or procedures. As she took me back to the room, I quickly decided that this was the nurse I would want assisting my doctor during the "big game". I'm not going to say she was unattractive, but if this was an episode of Survivor, she would have been the only woman to form an alliance with the old men.

I think the vasectomy is one instance where you hope for the ugly one, unlike getting a haircut, where you would gladly take the attractive stylist even if it meant a horrible haircut. But that's all irrelevant anyway because Greg's First Law of Hair Salons states that if you go into a salon and there are 7 stylists, one of which is ugly, that is the one you will get. Or, in my case, I invariably get the stylist who is so large and lazy that she doesn't even walk around me to cut my hair but rather stands in one place and spins the chair so I'm dizzy by the end of it. But I digress...

After a couple uncomfortable exchanges with the nurse...

Nurse: "So how's the new baby?"
Me: "Great! He's really great!"
Nurse: "I can't wait to have kids. I want to have lots and lots of them. So what brings you in today?"
Me: "Vasectomy."

...she left me in the room with an article to read entitled "Your Vas Deferens and You" or something like that. It was really an interesting article, full of thought provoking words like "puncture" and "incision" and "local anesthetic" and "celery" (yeah, that one surprised me too).

About the time I finished the article, the doctor came in. It was my first time meeting this particular doctor and I have to say, I'm not sure that meeting him has eased my mind any about this already nerve-racking procedure. There is one trait in particular that has me thinking twice. He speaks like he has marbles in his mouth. Seriously, I could barely understand a word.

"But, Greg," you might ask, "what does a man's speech have to do with his ability to render you permanantly sterile?" Absolutely nothing. I'm sure he's a very talented surgeon. However, I can't help but be a little apprehensive about letting the guy down there. Maybe it's just me but I'm pretty sure I'll feel a little weird when, from behind the curtain and between my legs, I hear what sounds like a man speaking with his mouth full.