1 Happy St

Please skip this if you don't care about sports blogs. In fact, you should probably skip this regardless.

Last night on Costas Now, they had a segment about sports bloggers and how bloggers fit in as a form of news media. On the speaking panel was Will Leitch of Deadspin (pro-blog), Buzz Bissinger (author of Friday Night Lights and extremely anti-blog), and Braylon Edwards (pro-football…or something). From the response of the studio audience, and for that matter the smugness of Bob Costas towards Will, I think an outsider to this discussion topic would have thought that Buzz Bissinger won the argument and that everyone associated with sports blogs are a bunch of childish morons. To be fair, this wasn't Will's fault. I realize that Deadspin is the most-read sports blog out there, but there has to be some perspective there. Confusing Deadspin as a legitimate source of sports news is just wrong. And I would assume that the comments that follow each posting aren’t meant to be taken all that seriously. And yet Bissinger grouped all sports bloggers together as a bunch of morons who can’t get their point across without using profanity*, if they had a point at all to begin with. First of all, Bissinger can go fuck himself (smiley). Second of all, that’s an awfully large brush he's painting with.

* A point not lost on this particular blogger is that Buzz used quite a bit of profanity himself to drive his point home during this show. Hypocrite much? And yes, I just used "hypocrite" as a verb.

I think we all would have been better served if a different blogger was on that panel. Maybe someone from USS Mariner. Or Athletics Nation. Or Shysterball. Or Baseball Prospectus. Having Leitch was cherry-picking IMO. I like Deadspin, but it’s more of a tabloid than anything. Nobody reads the NY Post for stock tips, right? Just like we don't read Deadspin for sports news.

Okay that is all.

I mix metaphors like Hemingway's bartender.

I'm convinced that call-ahead seating was invented by the same guy that came up with the button you push at a crosswalk...

...and the close door button on elevators.

I like seeing Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper stickers. It's like they're saying, "Not only did I support a candidate that couldn't even beat George Bush, but I'm also stuck in this long term lease!"

If a blind guy calls you the sunshine of his life, what exactly does that mean? And apple of his eye? Maybe that is his problem! He should have that looked at.

That actually makes me think that its weird that its more common to hear someone make fun of blindness than to hear someone make fun of the deaf. That's counterintuitive. The blind guy can still hear you! That's why I'm typing this instead of saying it out loud.

There's a big difference between being "so good looking" and "so-so good looking". So's only work in odd number configurations.

Good news...oil prices are on their way down.

Oh wait, that says up. Yeah prices are still going up.

Never mind.

I'm hoping that my work isn't the only place where the following conversation would bring the house down:

Sam: "When you take my headphones, make sure you plug them back in when you give 'em back."
Brian: "I tried but I couldn't figure out which hole to put it in."

I'm confident that these 5 seconds of dialogue would bring the house down in your office too, but I would love some confirmation.

- I like that moment when you’re at a stop light or something and the radio goes fuzzy, but then you move up an inch or so and it comes in clearly again.

- This blog is like a bunch of random words.

- What, you were expecting a metaphor there?

- There are few things more embarrassing than finding someone standing behind you at your desk at work while you’re watching a youtube clip of the most recent episode of American Idol. There’s really no good way to explain to them why you were doing that, so if it happens to you, stick with the truth and be firm with it. “I missed David Archuletta on Tuesday so I’m catching up.” Yeah go with that.

- I have a scotch tape dispenser on my desk with no tape in it. It hasn’t had tape in like 3 years and it’s been on my desk this whole time. Best of all, I don’t anticipate this situation changing at any time soon.

- Wait, one more. I use exactly one staple per month (expense report for my cell phone), and yet I have a full box of staples in my desk drawer. The box says there’s 5000 of them in there. I wonder if anyone has any tape that they’d be willing to trade me. Like an adult version of Motts.

- Sorry for keeping it short this time [that's what she said]. If I don't talk to you before then, have a safe weekend.

This is a real "out of office" I just got:

I will be out of the office taking a long 3-day break from this place with the wife. I'm turning off my phone and I'm not reading emails until Monday or Tuesday at the earliest. If you need immediate assistance, please call ###-###-####. Otherwise I will respond to your email some time before Wednesday.

I don't know this guy personally, but he's a new hero of mine.

Jimmy Fallon will be taking over for Conan O'Brien next year when Conan takes over as host of The Tonight Show, so says this story. I'd come up with a joke there, but I don't think I'm funny enough. Or maybe I am. Let me try.

Hey did you hear Jimmy Fallon is going to take over for Conan O'Brien next year? Yeah apparently NBC was looking for someone annoying who laughs at his own unfunniness.

I was right; I'm not funny enough.

My favorite part of the story: Fallon, who recently married producer Nancy Juvonen, is said to be thrilled and ready, if not a little scared, about taking Conan’s desk. He still has to pick a producer and a band, among other things. Do the "other things" include learning how to be funny and not laughing at his own unfunniness? Maybe he should start there.

[Editor's Note: Bondo actually isn't all that upset with NBC's choice. He's just over-reacting to the fact that Jimmy ruined a countless number of sketches on SNL back in the day with his fake laughing. Did I just use "back in the day"? Yes I did. Unfortunately, there isn't a better term to use in that situation. Back in the day will have to stay. Hey that rhymes!]

I haven't seen the Will Ferrell movie Semi-Pro yet [mostly because I still want to believe that Will Ferrell has the ability to make me laugh], but after reading this story, I have a feeling that the moment I finally do see Semi-Pro, I'm going to have the same feeling when seeing that bear as I get when watching The Naked Gun and O.J. comes on the screen. Kind of like I'm about to watch snuff or something.

h/t Conti

Dude 1 thought that Dude 2 stole his Playstation.
"Gimme back my Playstation you son-bitch!"
Dude 2 said he didn't do it.
"I idn't steal shit."
Dude 1 didn't believe him.
"I ain't buyin' it. You better give it back."
Dude 2 didn't give it back. So Dude 1 shot Dude 2.
"Take that you son-bitch!"
Now Dude 2 is dead and Dude 1 is on the run.

Money line within that story comes from Dude 2's girlfriend, who reminisces about her dead friend, saying they used to go to mud holes together and, on purpose, drive in deep enough to get stuck. When they were kids, they threw firecrackers at cars on the Fourth of July.

Ah, memories. You gotta love the deep south. Or no you don't.

h/t TBL

Why is "lbs" the abbreviation for pounds?

"Hey did you hear? Sonny lost 10 lbs."
"Really? 10 lobs? Is that good?"
"I think so."

Yeah that's dumb. Kinda like this post.

"Billy, what are you doing in there?"

"Preventing prostate cancer!"

I went to Best Buy to exchange an unopened box set of Season 1 of "24" during my lunch break today. It was a birthday present from the sis (who I would find out later spent way too much money for my birthday. Thanks though if you're reading this). At the time she gave it to me, I didn't think it was something I already had. But once I got home, I remembered that I had been given that same box set as a Christmas gift 3 months earlier *. So now I needed to make an exchange. Without a receipt.

* I really need to bust that open and watch it. These 1 and 2 year breaks between "24" seasons are killing me. I guess that's the price we pay for the real Jack Bauer being a raging alcoholic who can't keep himself out of prison.

Have you ever tried to make an exchange at Best Buy without a receipt? If you haven't tried but you find yourself in a situation where you have to in the near future, rather than driving to your local Best Buy without a receipt, instead take your car to a nearby cliff and drive off the side of it. If you don't have a cliff in your neighborhood, find a concrete wall of some sort. The wall has to be hard though. With no give. The results of dealing with that cliff or concrete wall will be unquestionably more pleasurable than dealing with your local Best Buy service desk representative when you have no receipt. I'll explain.

First, I think I mentioned this earlier, the damn thing was unopened. As in IT WAS STILL COVERED IN PLASTIC. Also, it was purchased by my sister AT A FRIGGIN' BEST BUY. She didn't get it at Circuit City. Or Wal-Mart. Or Target or something. So it's not like I was trying to get away with something here. Second, I wasn't looking for a cash refund. I was looking to exchange it FOR F#CKING SEASON TWO!!!!!! BECAUSE I ALREADY HAD SEASON ONE AND HAVING TWO BOX SETS OF THE SAME SEASON IS RETARDED!!!!

Debbie from my local Best Buy service desk didn't seem to care. "Well, without a receipt, our policy will only let you exchange this for the exact same thing," she said smugly.

"I don't understand," I responded. "This is unopened. Why would I exchange it for the exact same thing? This isn't broken, so I might as well just leave here with this one. How does that help me?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but without a receipt, there's really nothing I can do," she said.

"Of course not. Why offer up any suggestions that would let me leave here happy? That's f#cking nonsense," I said in my head but not out loud but looking back on this situation now, I wish I had. And then I grabbed my unopened copy of Season 1 and I stormed out. Now I'm not positive about this, but I think I heard her say "jeez what was his problem" under her breath as I walked away. So then this happened:

"What did you say?" I asked.

"Nothing," she responded.

"Oh this isn't over," I responded back. "I'm gonna make some calls and figure out what to do here."

And then I left.

Once I reached my car, my face was so red. I was beyond pissed. This woman was no help, she mocked me as I left, and I still had my unopened copy of "24" in my hand. In other words, she was winning. Luckily, I had another Best Buy receipt in my wallet from a different purchase I had made earlier in the week from a completely different store. On that receipt was a phone number for Best Buy's customer relations. So I called it while I was right there in the parking lot.

"Thank you for calling Best Buy customer relations, this is [can't remember her name, but it had to have been something cool. Way better than Debbie], how may I help you," said the voice.

"Hi, my name is Brian and..........." [I told her my whole spiel]. Then she offered up some advice. She said if I had the phone number of the person who bought it for me [I did], she could tell me the store # it was purchased from, the date, and the transaction #. From there, customer service would be able to print me a new receipt right there on the spot and I'd be able to make my exchange. Ah, a solution. What a novel concept.

So I went back into the store and waited in the customer service line again. Debbie saw me waiting there and she looked nervous. Or at least I like to think she was nervous. Unfortunately I was called by someone other than Debbie. I made my exchange and left, but not before Debbie and I made eye contact as I left. So I yelled out "I got my money back!" and kept walking.

I'm such a rebel.

But seriously, what's with that busted policy? They have bar codes on every piece of merchandise they sell, so what's the big deal here? If you've ever been on the other side of the argument [Debbie's side] and this policy makes sense to you, please say so in the comments. From my side, the only thing I see is potential for a lot of their own customers getting pissed. And nobody needs that. Certainly not me on my lunch break.

At this point I should have a Donald label. First, a conversation........

[I see him near the coffee machine holding his lower back]
Brian: "You alright?"
Donald: "Yeah, went golfing over the weekend for the first time, so I'm a little sore."
Brian: "Oh yeah, whatdya' shoot?"
Donald: "I don't even know. A buddy of mine was keeping score."
Brian: "C'mon, whatdya' shoot? Plus or minus a hundred?"
Donald: "Well it was an easy course, so.........plus a hundred."
[I'm sure this was funnier for me in person than it is for you reading it, but I don't care]

[And now, an IM convo]
Donald(08:36:28): I dropped Dan Uggla [from my fantasy team]............3-5 HR
Donald(08:37:28): two doubles and a HR to be exact
Brian(08:38:48): can you drop Joe Crede? He's been slumping and I need them to beat the Yankees this week.

[Wait one more]
Donald(11:13:19): "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at [the Beatrice Inn in New York City], and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a-- away from my girlfriend,'" said a Page Six spy.
Brian(11:14:14): is Sam a girl?
Brian(11:14:15): never mind
Brian(11:14:27): quit reading Page Six

Have you ever tried to walk down a fairly crowded sidewalk, or maybe right outside of a ballpark after the game just ended, without doing any maneuvers to get out of other people's way as they're walking in the opposite direction? If not, try it some time. Just maintain a straight line in the direction you're headed. No turning or ducking to the side to avoid hitting someone. I promise you'll run into a bunch of people who are already doing that very thing subconsciously. Do it as a sociological experiment. Try to figure out who's doing the ducking and who's doing the straight beeline walk. Then when you hit someone, tell that person to quit being so selfish.

The past few NBA seasons, Isiah Thomas had been the coach of the Knicks. Before he was the coach, he was the General Manager. The whole time he's been employed by the team, the Knicks have sucked, while also having by far the largest payroll in the league, and it's largely Isiah's fault. During his time as General Manager, he sexually harrassed one of his female employees, fired her, got sued, lost, and caused his employers to have to pay millions of dollars in damages to her. In other words, he's been a complete trainwreck.

So the owners of the Knicks fired him. Kinda.

If they fire him, they'd have to pay him the remainder of his salary for sitting at home. And they're not about to do that. So now they're going all "George Costanza when he was employed at Play Now" on him. He's still employed by the team, but he has no title and he is barred from having contact with anyone within the organization, including players. I guess they're hoping that he'll be so embarrassed by his new role that he'll quit, meaning they won't have to continue paying him. It is unclear if they've already boarded up the door to his office so he has to crawl through the duct work to get in.

I have a large wooden chest filled with baseball cards. Have I mentioned that I'm 29 years old? Have I also mentioned that I'm not really a collector of baseball cards? So why would I still have a large wooden chest filled with them? To me that's a rhetorical question. It's not so much why I continue to keep all the cards that I collected as a kid. It's more a question of why I collected them in the first place.

Maybe I'm remembering this wrong (kind of the way I remember being a wicked fast runner in H.S., only to find some old home videos recently of a couple of my track meets where I was filmed coming in no better than 5th. What the hell? So I sucked? The way I remember it I never lost. Sonofabitch! It kind of makes me wonder if my Dad was telling the truth when he said he was the 2nd fastest runner in his H.S. Yeah right Dad), but didn't the Dow Jones Industrial Average used to have marginal ups and downs each day? Now it's either huge 300 point gains or people are lighting their hair on fire to 300 point losses. Was it always like this and I'm just remembering it wrong or is this one of those new things?

- Marty Brennaman is a jackass. His hyperbole doesn't impress me.

- The Blue Jays released DH Frank Thomas on Sunday. Today there's a poll question on the Chicago Sun-Times' on-line site that asks its readers: "Should the Sox pursue Frank Thomas?" The 2 options they give are: "Yes, he can still hit" and "No, he has a bad attitude." Uh, what about "No, they already have Jim Thome, who is also a DH and is better than Frank Thomas"? How am I smarter when it comes to sports than a major newspaper's sports department?

- By the way, May 25th is Frank Thomas bobblehead day in Toronto. That should be fun.

- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher says the team offered him a one-year extension through 2012, believed to include at least $5 million up front and an extra $1 million added to each year remaining on his current deal. But he wants at least a two-year extension with more money up front. In other words, he has no bargaining power whatsoever and the Bears could call his bluff and tell him to go away without giving him anything, but he's still holding out. Way to be a role model to your teammates there Big Guy. By the way, would the Pillsbury Dough Boy be considered a good roll model? Get it? 'Cause he models rolls? Hey make fun of it if you'd like, but you're gonna try to use it.

- If the baseball season ended today, the White Sox and the Cubs would both make the playoffs for the first time since 1906. Also, the playoffs would be held in April for the first time ever.

When a roll call goes something like this:

"Okay when I call your name, let me know you're here...Johnnie BigCheeks?"
"Here"
"Susan McTalksalot?"
"Here"
"Billy O'NastyGas?"
"Here"
"Marsha McPartyPlanner?"
"Here"
"Jason McHumorChallenged?"
"Present"

Screw you Jason. And quit grinding my gears.

Earlier today at work, I had a conference call scheduled in which a handful of us were going to be introduced over the phone to a new girl who is joining our team. So the call started and the only person we were waiting on was the new girl. Five minutes went by and nothing. So the leader of the call sent her an IM asking if she was going to join. The new girl responded with "what call?" It turns out she was the only person not invited. I thought that was kind of funny.

I don't like that the short term for veteran and veterinarian is the same. It gets too confusing sometimes. Not all the time. Like I could say "I'm taking my dog to the vet" and that probably wouldn't cause any confusion. Nobody would hear me say that and think I'm taking my dog to the VFW or anything. I don't think. First of all I don't even have a dog. But that's not really the point. The point is that would be silly. Dogs and VFW's just don't mix. But earlier today I found an instance where it was confusing. I saw a headline that said 1 in 5 vets has mental problems. My first reaction when reading that was "wow, I wonder why. They're just cats and dogs. And the occasional turtle. It's certainly not a profession to go crazy over." And then it clicked with me. Ah, veterans. Yeah that makes more sense. Because of all the shooting and war and such. It has nothing to do with the dude who dropped out of the real medical school to focus on animals.

So I propose that we no longer call veterinarians vets. Let's start calling them veters. I know it'll work. You with me?

Hi everyone!

Its been a while (almost a year!) since I sent out one of these mass emails, but I just wanted to write you guys a quick note on what has been going on with Gina. You may or may not already know that Gina has been living in LA for the past 2 months while she is Co-hosting the FOX Reality show: American Idol Extra. If you haven't caught an episode yet, please try (it is great!) The channel is called FOX Reality (the call sign is REAL). Check this website if you aren't sure if you get the channel: http://www.foxreality.com/ New shows air every week on Thursday night at 6:00pm and 9:00pm (Central time). They replay the episodes throughout the week in case you cant catch one of those. Tonights show is EXTRA special because they will be featuring Gina singing her first ORIGINAL SONG! It is called 'When It Rains' and it is just an acoustic version, but it is a beautiful song and were trying to spread the word about it. We hope to have a full band version available for download very soon. In addition to AI Extra, Gina has been hard at work in writing several other original songs which should be ready to go in the next month or so. We hope to get them on itunes as soon as they are ready. We'll keep you informed.

Starting today, Gina has a BRAND NEW MYSPACE page! www.myspace.com/gigiglocksen

We are also in the process of overhauling her official website (http://www.rocktheglock.com/) and creating a music myspace page where you can hear all of her music. These sites are under construction and we hope they will be done in about a week.

Gina will be singing the National Anthem at the Cubs game on Thursday, July 24th. It is a night game (7:00pm start) and it will be on Comcast if you can't make it to the game. Old Style, the Cubbies, and Gina! It doesn't get better than that (unless you hate the Cubs), but hey. .Gina and OLD STYLE!

Thats all for now. Hope all is well with you. Talk to you soon.

Love
-Joe & Gina

First, a who gives a sh## to whet your pallet (and yes, I made 'who gives a sh##' a noun). Today's version let's us know that Wayne Brady's divorce has finally gone through. Has he been relevant in the last 3 years? Oh he was in "How I met your mother?" I must have missed that episode and all the other one's before and after that one. And this is coming from someone who still watches various MTV programming.

Speaking of MTV programming, the internet-voted cast-member from the new season of The Real World is my new favorite character ever and it only took him 60 minutes to win me over. I'd look up his name, but I'm too lazy, so instead I'll just give you a description and you'll know who I'm talking about (if you watch the show, which is doubtful): tall black guy who doesn't care about anything or anyone, doesn't care what people think of him, and thinks he's God's gift to gifts from God. I cannot wait, CANNOT WAIT, for episode 2. And I'm a 29-year-old male. Also, if you can look at the ginormously armed white guy* from Chicago and not think of this youtube classic, then you're not at all like me. Before this season is over, I will need that guy to take a shower in Jagerbombs at least once.

* Seriously, how do you get your arms that big? I could quit my job and become one of those guys who spends 15 hours a day lifting weights and I still don't think my arms could do that. Would I even want them to look like that? Okay maybe. But still. If my arms looked like that, I don't think there'd be any way that somebody could have a conversation with me without them zoning off and thinking about my arms. So how does he ever have a real conversation with someone? Hmm, maybe that's the idea.

Third, is it possible to read the word 'evacuate' without immediately thinking it says something else?

Hey nobody said these thoughts would be related to each other.

No, I don't know why they felt they needed to make another one. But, alas, they did.

I just had this conversation with a co-worker of mine (whom we'll call The Duke). In order for the context of the conversation to make sense, I should mention that for some reason, The Duke is always tired...

Brian (jokingly): "Decaf Duke? You should try the regular and maybe you won't pass out at your desk all day.

Duke: "The caffeine would kill me."

Brian: "Ha that's funny. I hear that."

Duke (straight-faced): "No for real. My heart would give out. I can't have caffeine."

Fair enough. Although I don't think that was as awkward as this conversation. Donald still has the lead IMO.

Have you ever driven all the way to work before realizing that you forgot to rinse the conditioner from you hair? Yeah me neither. I was just checking.

Also, the creators of video games have run out of ideas for video games.

Here is a portion of a conversation I had earlier with Donald's better half Karen, who works with us.

Brian: "Yeah it was $53 for 3 candles, and she had a buy 2 get 1 free coupon. That place is a complete ripoff."

Karen: "You know what's funny, Don buys the candles at our house........"

Brian: "Wait stop. Don buys the candles at your house? Can you do me a favor and type those words to me over IM so that I can forward them on to everyone in the office?"

Now here is Donald's response to me over IM after I was finished making fun of him:

Donald(10:35:00): I love em....when I win the lottery I'm going to open a Yankee Candle shop.

If you want Donald's phone number so that you can make fun of him personally, email me and let me know. I have his cell, home phone, and work phone. Whatever you want.

Whenever I see headlines like this one, I get all excited. Perhaps I need to get out more. Yes I definitely need to get out more. But I see the headline [Richard Gere's fence may be too high] and I immediately think to myself "who in the hell would give a sh## about Richard Gere's personal zoning problems?" And then I read the story just to be sure that there isn't some hidden gem of information within it. But then no, there's nothing. He built a 5 foot fence when the town's rules only allow 4. And this made the news.

Just wow.

[Editor's Note: For previous 'who gives a sh##'s', click on the 'who gives a sh##' label below. Brian/Brain/Bondo continues to have a jones for celebrity non-news]

While I was eating a Subway sandwich in my car* at lunch today, I managed to hear the following songs in succession:

1. Pizzicato Five - Twiggy vs James Bond
2. Superdrag - Sucked Out
3. Spacehog - In the Meantime

Now I'm not saying all 3 of those are the kick-arse top dogs of 1990's brilliance, but all 3 brought an equally large smile to my face. And honestly, that's all I could ever ask for. Also, I could listen to that Spacehog song 300 times in a row and still look forward to the 301st. I'm convinced that their name ruined their chances at mainstream success**. I wonder if they've ever thought of starting a support group with Toad the Wet Sprocket called "Guys who threw away millions of dollars because of their gay-sounding alternative band name".

* There's very few foods that I would consider okay to eat while sitting in my car during lunch. Anything from McDonald's is out. For one, there's probably going to be barbeque sauce involved and I'm not about to be that guy who rests his barbeque sauce on his arm rest. At least not again. Also, the smell lingers for a while after you do it, so you run the risk of someone getting in your car like 2 days later and saying "hey did you just get McDonalds?" And nobody needs that. Portillo's is also out. You know what? I'm probably going to have to eiminate any restaurant that sells a lot of salty foods like fries because salt + fingers = nasty steering wheel (remember S+F=NSW). And nobody needs that either. So you'd think Subway would be okay, right? No barbeque sauce. No salty fingers. Well I can say for sure that Subway is not okay. And you know why? It's because if lettuce needs a place to land when it misses your mouth, in between your seats is going to be the place it finds. You're just gonna have to trust me on that. So what have we learned? No sauce, no salt, and no lettuce. That really leaves nothing. So go find a table somewhere and eat like a human ya' sicko.

** This doesn't really explain The Smashing Pumpkins though, does it?

Tell us your best caption this photo of Hillary Clinton.

Why do I create a hodgepodge of nonsense that nobody will enjoy? Well I do it for you. 'Cause I know you won't enjoy it. I'm a jerk like that.

I can't even tell you how many times so far in this baseball season that I've heard people tell me not to get too high on the White Sox doing well and the Tigers absolutely sucking. I hear it on local radio. I hear it from Cubs fans. I read it in the newspaper. Every time I turn around, someone is telling me to calm down; it won't last. Well if that's true, why should I calm down? Why shouldn't I enjoy it while it's happening? That would be stupid, wouldn't it? If someone told me that I could eat all the chocolate I wanted to for 5 days, but after those 5 days were up, I could never eat chocolate again, do you think I would consider not eating chocolate for those 5 days because I know it wouldn't last? Hell no, right? I would continue eating all that chocolate until my head exploded. So save your lectures about the White Sox winning and the Tigers losing not lasting. That may be true. But I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it while it does.

I found out on Saturday that Jill is going to be a much better parent than I will ever be. We had the honor of shopping at the mall with some younger relatives (Emma - 4 and Madison - 5). The no's were bouncing off of Jill like it was her job. "Jill can I have this?" "No." "Jill can you buy me that?" "No put it back." I wasn't as good at it. "Brian can I get this?" "Sure, how much does it cost?" "Brian can you buy me that." "Of course, what is it?" It turns out I have a lot to learn.

Oh, also...The Disney Store is a huge scam. That's all I have to say about that.

My customer called me on my cell phone at 5am on Sunday to warn me about something that is scheduled to happen at 1pm today. Here's how the conversation with Jill went right after I got off the phone. "Who was that?" "I don't know." "What did they want?" "I'm really not sure." "Was it for work?" "I guess." Needless to say, his boss and I are going to have a little chat later.

All weekend I was looking forward to seeing that Sarah Marshall movie. I tried convincing people to see it with me on Friday but that fell through. I had other things planned all day Saturday so that didn't work. Finally on Sunday we decided to see it. I was in charge of finding the start time. Hmm, it's not playing at this theater. That's weird, it's not playing at this theater either. I figured it'd be playing everywhere. Sonofabitch, it opens next Friday. I'm an idiot.

Happy Tax Day Eve

George W. Bush: "Hey Fellas. We haven't done anything bat-shit crazy in a while, and our time left in this office is limited. Anybody got any ideas?"

Advisor #1: "We could announce plans to cancel a holiday. Maybe Halloween or something? It's a pagan holiday anyway."

George W. Bush: "Nah, I kinda like Halloween. I get to dress up and stuff. Halloween stays. Any other ideas?"

Advisor #2: "What about adding a holiday? I know a lot of people that wish there were more days off in August. August has nothing."

George W. Bush: "I like your style. In fact, write that down; we need to do something about August. But c'mon people. I need crazy. Give me something totally bat-shit crazy. We've done it before, I know we can do it again."

Advisor #3: "How about we take that research lab of contagious animal diseases that we have on that isolated island and move it onto the U.S. mainland? How does that sound?"

George W. Bush: "Hot damn we got a winner! You wanna write up the paperwork
Jimmy?"

Advisor #3: "It's Danny, Sir."

George W. Bush: "Whatever Bobby. Have it on my desk by morning."

I should mention that this was the only picture of Jenna I could find. Trust me, I looked everywhere. In the interest of being fair, if you can find a picture of a half-naked Dwight, send it to me and I'll be happy to put it up here.

Of course I might make it a lot smaller.

Earlier today I had an on-site meeting with my customer. The security over there is pretty tight, so every visitor has to go through a checkpoint right at the door. They make you fill out a form with your name, the company you're representing, who you're there to visit, etc. Then you give the form to the security guard and he prints you out an ID sticker. I couldn't help but laugh when he printed mine. I had Donald take my picture once I got back to my office.

[Note: the blacked out portion is my customer's company name. It's a pretty big company, so I'm sparing them any embarrassment]

People who send out stupid email forwards to the same distribution list that they were on when they got the email. So let me get this straight: Your friend Suzy McJokester sent out a stupid joke to everyone she knows. You didn't notice that Suzy McJokester's email distribution list is the same as yours. So now everybody gets that same busted joke twice. Thanks. We needed that.

Also, it should be noted that I will never care about the funny things Little Johnny did or said while he was in class. I have little doubt that Little Johnny will be on his neighborhood's sexual predator's list when he gets older. So I don't need to be informed of all of his perverted shenanigans as an 8-year-old.

By now I'm sure you heard about the 16-year-old girl who was invited to a house of her peers and then they beat the crap out of her (and videotaped it so that they could become internet sensations). It was a pretty big story yesterday, but if you missed it, you can read about it here. I should warn you though that reading about it may make you angry. And sad.

A portion of the released video has made its way to youtube and there's some interesting info that you can find within the comments. I'm not sayin' you should do anything with the info. I'm pretty much just sayin'.

h/t TBL

You may recall my NCAA bracket printing debacle from last month. Or you may not. But I figured I'd give you the results since they're kind of funny. And typical. I know there's still another game left, but these standings are locked up since the top 4 people are the only one's who picked Memphis and nobody picked Kansas. So without any more adieux, the results:

1. Karen
2. Ron
3. Phil 2
4. Steve
5. Phil 1
6. Sam
7. Mark
8. Doug
9. Greg
10. Jim
11. Bondo
12. Alex
13. Andy
14. Clint
15. Donald
16. Luis
17. Joe
18. Steve

Take a good look at those names. Then tell me you didn't smile a little bit. Hey maybe I should tell this to my Dunkin Donuts lady.

Is there anyone you come in contact with on a regular basis that you never see smile? There is for me. It's an older lady who works at the Dunkin Donuts by my house. I'm always extra pleasant with her with over-the-top niceness, the goal being that one day she'll crack a smile. Even a small one. So this morning I tried a little Brian-style wit (never a good thing). I had a coupon for 1 free coffee and 1 free donut. As I was checking out, our conversation went like this:

DD Lady: "Okay, your total is zero dollars and zero cents."
Brian: "Do you take Visa debit?"
DD Lady: [expressionless silence].
Brian: "That was a joke."
DD Lady: "Oh."
Brian: "Okay well have a good day."

[end scene]

Not so much as a smile. Oh well. But I'll get her. I know it. I'm busting out planned material next time.

Those people who have "Thank you" in their email signature, but type "Thank you" at the end of their emails anyway, so you'll see something like this:

Brain,

Blah blah blah blah I'm an idiot, so can you do me a favor and blah blah blah please kill me?

Thank you,

Thank you,
Johnny McMoron

Johnny McMoron, you're a dumbass. Fix your email signature already.

I think we all know someone like this. I know I do.

If my favorite no-talent ass-clown (Joe Morgan) gets into a verbal spar with my favorite crazy-bones manager (Ozzie Guillen), for whom do I root? Because that's exactly what happened Sunday night. From the Chicago Sun-Times:

DETROIT – It was vintage Ozzie Guillen before Sunday night’s game, as he didn’t
take kindly to ESPN broadcaster Joe Morgan questioning the fact that Guillen
told reporters on Saturday that he felt Ivan Rodriguez, not Roberto Clemente,
was the greatest player to come out of Puerto Rico. Morgan told Guillen he was
"crazy," starting a series of "FU’s" from Guillen...."The problem is these old guys think that none of the players now are better than back then," Guillen said. He then sighted an example, bringing up how Babe Ruth was fat and out of shape, but yet was a dominant hitter and pitcher back in the old days. "Babe Ruth couldn’t even play now," Guillen insisted. Morgan was trying to laugh it off, but Guillen sure wasn’t.

The morning started out well enough. My alarm went off, I got out of bed, I took a shower, I did all that morning crap that every one of us does every day. I put on jeans because it's jean day. I made it into work on time. Fresh coffee was waiting for me when I got here. These are all good things.

So why has the last hour been so bad? I have no idea, but I'm almost ready to leave for the day.

First I spilled coffee on the front of my shirt. For no reason whatsoever. It wasn't too hot and I didn't drop it. No I just kind of missed my mouth a little bit. I've been drinking successfully for going on 5 or 10 years now, so there's really no excuse. I just flat-out missed my mouth. So now I have a giant coffee stain right in the middle of my shirt. It will be saying hello to everyone I come in contact with from now until I get home. "Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm coffee stain. Yeah that moron you're shaking hands with put me right here on the front of his shirt today. I'm not sure why, I guess he felt like it. And he's a moron."

Next I decided to make myself some noodle soup. Mmm, noodle soup [reference alert]. Yeah I know, again with the soup in the morning. But it was all I had. It comes in this little polystyrene microwavable cup and it's actually pretty good. And easy to make. Or so I used to think. The directions say to fill the cup with water, microwave it for 1 minute, stir, then microwave it for another minute. I should probably mention that I don't have a spoon, I only have a fork. Have you ever eaten soup with a fork? It ain't easy. But I do it because it's all I have. This detail will become important to the story right now. So after the first minute of microwaving it, I was stirring it with my fork when I accidently punctured the side of the polystyrene foam. Uh oh. Soup broth started spraying out of this thing faster than I could come up with a plan to stop it. And then I dropped the entire cup on the floor. Noodles everywhere. Son of a bitch!

So if you work with me and you happened to come by the kitchen about 30 minutes ago, you would have seen me on my hands and knees cleaning up wet noodles and soup broth. Oh, and I had a giant coffee stain on the front of my shirt. Which I still do. And I still haven't eaten yet. Lunch can't get here fast enough.

TGIF? You have no idea. Because if today were Monday, I'd have gone home by now.

From The Daily Herald (h/t TBL):

A teacher at Mt. Nebo Junior High School...was arrested on Monday and
charged with having sexual relations with a 16-year-old boy who was not her
student. Her husband was charged with threatening them both with a
handgun.

According to court documents, 32-year-old Jennifer Candida Gonzales
contacted Payson police and told them her husband pointed a 9mm handgun at her and threatened to kill her after he caught her cheating on him with a
16-year-old boy. He also pointed his gun at the teen and told him to get out of
the house, she told police.

Gonzales's husband, 31-year-old Richard Gonzales, admitted to the
allegations, court documents said. The couple lives in Payson.

According to court documents, Richard Gonzales came home early from work
and found his wife and the teen downstairs with candles and oils. He told police
he saw the teen run into a bathroom while pulling his pants up. His wife, who
was topless, pulled her pants up as well, he told police.

The following is a snippet [still a good word] of a real conversation I just had with a customer of mine:

Raphael: "Thank you for calling ************, this is Raphael, how may I help you?"

Brian: "Hi Raphael, this is Brian."

Raphael: "Hi Bondo. How may I help you?"

I wrote this on April 2nd of last year:

Cubs
Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire,
Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch
he's due."

Sox
Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox
losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late
to take a mulligan on the season so far?

We all remember where we were when it happened. I was sitting on my couch in my living room all by myself. Even I'll admit that I was rooting for the Cubs to close out that game. You know? Like holy sh##, the friggin' Cubs are going to the World Series. That's weird to say.

But then that happened. Over there in that small picture on the right. Busted Steve Bartman. Sticks out his moron arms and interferes with the ball, costs the Cubs an out, eventually leads to a bunch more runs being scored, a loss in Game 6, a loss in Game 7, no World Series, blah blah blah, you remember it.

I'm not among those people who give Steve the benefit of the doubt. Some people have said that any fan in that situation would have done the same thing. You know what? Not me. I'm not a moron. There's no way I'm going anywhere near that ball. I think we're selling ourselves short when we say we would have done the same thing. Interfering with your own team in any game is borderline retarded, let alone the 8th inning of a Game 6. Other people say that Moises Alou wouldn't have caught the ball anyway. You know what? Bull sh##. He would have caught that f#cking ball.

Or would he have?

Now Moises himself is saying he wouldn't have caught it. What an a-hole. Is he kidding us? He wouldn't have caught the ball? And he's waited 4 and a half years to say it? While letting the whole world blame Steve this whole time? What a bleeping son of a.......Man, that's lame. The part that gets me is he says it so non-chalantly, like people wouldn't make a big deal about it.

Moises Alou, you are hereby given jag-bag status.

Yesterday was my brother-in-law Tom's 21st birthday. I always find our obsession with getting drunk on our 21st birthday's kind of funny since the people who make a big deal out of it have probably been drinking heavily since they were 16. I'm sure Tom fits nicely into this description, but Jill and I wanted to show him a good time anyway. And we did. I think. I'm sure he's still sleeping it off right now as I type this.

My main problem with showing this particular 21-year-old a good time on his 21st birthday though is that he had the foresight to take off of work today while I did not. I am so wicked dragging right now. Going to bed at 2am after a handful of Jagerbombs and a half-dozen Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions would normally keep me out of commission for a day or so. So when my alarm started sounding only 4 hours after I set it, I think I started cursing at it. I'm not even sure how I made it into work because I have no recollection of the drive. I remember it being 6am. Then I remember it being almost 8 and I was at work. What the frig happened to those 2 hours? I have no idea. I do know that Jagerbombs are probably no longer on my list of things I can drink though. I'm 29, I rarely [if ever] use any kind of haircare products, I don't pick fights with strangers, and I don't show off my pectoral muscles [although this has nothing to do with not wanting to], so I think it's time to hang up my Jager usage. It's a silly drink for silly individuals, and I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm no longer silly. If you know what I mean. So goodbye Jager. It was a fun ride.

So this morning I was standing at one of the urinals in the men's bathroom, trying to rid my body of that liquid headache. I overheard a co-worker whom we'll call Sampson (for no reason) start to open the bathroom door, but he was still mid-conversation with another co-worker of mine whom we'll call Outside-The-Bathroom Guy (because I couldn't tell who he was based on his voice and he was standing outside the bathroom), so Sampson didn't enter the bathroom right away. He kind of just stood there in the doorway while he talked with OTBG. I knew it was Sampson without even turning around because Sampson has a very distinguishable voice. I mean you can't mistake Sampson. You just can't. He's Sampson. So anyway, his conversation went on with OTBG for a good 30 seconds, but I could tell that he was anxious. He had to attend to something. So he cut off OTBG mid-sentence, then took a brisk walk to the last stall. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea. Why am I asking myself questions and then answering them myself? Because it's annoying and I'm in that kind of mood. But let's move on because this story may have a point.

So Sampson reached the last stall and began dropping bombs like nobody's business (except mine....and well yours now). Little kids were ducking for cover. Well I was, since it was only Sampson and me in there. But then the bombs stopped. All of a sudden like that. It was a quick 5-second burst and then nothing. I then heard a quick spin of the TP, then he was standing and flushing. He was at the sink within like 25 seconds from the time he started. And I was still at the urinal! Who can do all that in 25 seconds? Sampson may need a new nickname. Like Batman or something. Or Quicksilver. Yeah, Quicksilver sounds good.

Sweet. Sampson has a new nickname. I knew this story had a point.

- Jill and I had reservations at a spa yesterday, so we went with the couple’s massage. It was a first-ever massage for both of us and I’d like to think we both enjoyed it enough to where we’d entertain the idea of going back. Although sitting there in a darkened room with nothing on but a strange robe as weird music played in the background as we waited for our names to be called left me with a little bit of uneasy feeling. It certainly didn’t help matters when that door opened and creepy Slavic guy was standing there. Perhaps I’ve said too much again.

- Two times in my life I’ve spent over $100 on a pair of sunglasses. Neither of those pairs were fortunate enough to last beyond a couple months. All the cheap pairs I buy seem to last me for years. So if you ever hear me talking about going back to Sunglass Hut, you have my permission to punch me in the face. Or you can take $150 out of my wallet, light it on fire and crap on the ashes. However you’re feeling that day.

- Okay so this "prophet" is claiming that the end of the world is coming some time next month. I’m gonna go ahead and say that it isn’t. So let’s assume that some time in June or so, everything is cool with the world (relatively speaking). Would I be out of line to request that this guy starts calling me a prophet? I’d certainly be more of one than he would be, right? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

- I urge you to click on that link if you have a few seconds. It begs a few questions be asked of the cult members. Like if you know the end of the world was coming, why would you want to spend your last days in a cave? Go out and have some fun I say. Then again maybe their idea of fun is in fact to hang out in a cave. It could be cool I guess. It wouldn’t be my first choice. But I’ve never actually done it either, so maybe I’ll have to suspend judgment until I’ve spent a few weeks in one. I can say in all honesty though that it would immediately lose points if there were bats or rats involved. Or stalagmites. Or is it stalactites? The one's that come up through the ground. Apparently the only thing I know about caves is what I read in 3rd grade science.

- I hope you've tried out some of my April Fools pranks. It’s not too late, you still have time. Try to enjoy what’s left of it.

- Tell someone that you were just outside and their car was hit in the parking lot and the person who hit it is outside right now putting a note on their windshield. You get bonus points if the person you're pranking is parked in plain view of your office's window so you can watch them run outside with a confused look on their face.

- Tape the bottom of their mouse so the ball doesn't move. Of course this only works if they have an old-school mouse.

- Plastic wrap someone's car. Trust me, it's funny and doesn't do much damage. You'll need a couple boxes of plastic wrap though.

- Tell someone that Jenny called them while they were away from their desk and she's waiting for their callback. Jenny's number is (your area code)-867-5309. NOTE: the person you're pranking will ask who Jenny is, so have a fake job title for her handy.

- Hide the coffee. NOTE: this one has been attempted once and it got pretty ugly, so do not get caught. Let it last an hour or two, but make sure nobody is looking when you put it back.