1 Happy St

Sometimes during the off-season of a particular sport, a sports columnist whose job it is to cover that sport will completely run out of things to write about. Usually when that happens, they'll just make up a bunk trade rumor. Other times they'll come up with a simplistic formula that determines which team has had the best off-season. Like Phil Rogers did on Monday.

I think it's safe to say that when a sports columnist is claiming to have developed a "simplistic" formula to determine something during the offseason, that should be our cue as readers to ignore that column entirely because it's going to be a complete waste of time. Unfortunately for me on Monday (and unfortunately for you now), I didn't heed that cue. Heed that cue? Who talks like that?

What is his formula for determining which team has had the best offseason? Well it goes a-little something like this: First we consider core players, or "hitters projected to be regulars and pitchers who either start or work the last two innings of games". That's our definition of a core player, what I put in quotes over there a sentence ago. We aren't concerned with how good a player is; just that they might play every day. Or in the case of a starting pitcher, every 5 days. Or in the case of a relief pitcher, who the hell knows? I don't think we're off to a good start here.

Next, we consider which teams added core players and which teams lost core players, then we do a little simple addition/subtraction. This next sentence will be our example, and I will be putting it in quotes because it's exactly how Phil stated it. "The Cubs excited their fans with the signing of Kosuke Fukudome, but that addition is offset by the departures of Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall. That leaves the Cubs at minus-two at present." Never mind that Jacque Jones sucks. And Cliff Floyd is like 54 years old. And that Jason Kendall is maybe the worst catcher in all of baseball. Or that some people see Kosuke Fukudome as a potential all-star outfielder. Nope. Negative three plus one equals minus two. Cubs bad.

Phil goes on in his column by telling us which teams lead in his moronic system and which teams are behind. My favorite line is his last one that says "there's still time for teams to tilt these rankings. About 25 guys who can be considered core players remain unsigned." If the Cubs are smart, they'll sign each of them so they could be a plus-23. I should totally be a GM.

Did you really read this whole thing? Are you that bored? I know I am.