1 Happy St

- There’s three kinds of people in this world: those who are going to celebrate tonight because today is 4/20, those who know why 4/20 is worth celebrating but don’t care, and those who have no idea what I’m talking about. Which category do you fall in?

- By the way, if you’re in category 3, try to find someone in category 1 and buy them a bag of Cheetos. Trust me, they’ll love you for it.

- Will there ever be a time when I can hear the term ‘manhole cover’ and not smile like an 8th grader? And yes, the number 69 still has the same effect as well.

- Why does pizza taste better at the ballpark? If I was eating that same pizza at home, I’d probably hate it. But for some reason, at the ballpark it tastes great.

- How did that Chinese diplomat know the exact moment that Jack had successfully stopped the terrorists? Was that just a lucky guess? And has Jack pee'd yet today?

- Is it too much to ask that Apple’s next version of iPod has the ability to come in clearly on my car radio? I hate having to hold it up over my head as I drive.

- Convertible owners, I’ll settle this for you once and for all. If it’s colder than 64, the top stays up. If it’s warmer, the top can come down. If it’s exactly 64, the call is yours.

- Never quote the movie "Borat" while at work, not even if it’s a simple quote by accident like "it’s-a-nice". Apparently, this is an invitation for an annoying co-worker to visit you at your desk and share their favorite parts of the movie with you. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this.

- If you’re not sure which co-worker would visit you at your desk and start quoting "Borat", look around your office for the guy who still thinks Chuck Norris Facts are funny. Pretty good odds that he’s your guy.

- I think sports teams should stop shooting those free T-Shirts into the stands during breaks in play because somebody is going to get hurt. On Tuesday, I went to the White Sox game and I almost killed this little kid who was standing in my way. Honestly, we can’t have that.