1 Happy St

A fun (and relatively easy) quiz if you're at all like me. I got 13 out of 15.

Question 15 doesn't really have anything to do with the show, so I'm not surprised I got that one wrong. I'm sorry to say though that I didn't know the answer to Question 7.

I hang my head in shame.

Katherine Heigl wants to have a baby.

I was just thinking that this Friday has sucked so far. But then I learned that Katherine Heigl wants to have a baby, and........yep, it still sucks.

Line of the Day from co-worker Donald in a conversation with co-worker Dimitrios about "Lost" last night:

Dimitrios: "I don't like Desmond."
Donald: "Yeah but you like Nascar."

Donald = Winner!

That last sleeve of thin mints only included 15 cookies.

Not 14 or 16.

Friggin' 15.

My day is ruined.

Within the next month or so, Jill and I will be finishing our basement. Most of the work we're doing ourselves (with the help of some family members if they're available, wink). But we're also putting in a new bathroom and we're doing it from scratch, so there's going to be quite a bit of plumbing work that will need to be done, and of course I'm not about to tackle that myself. Thankfully my next door neighbor is a plumber.

Yeah thankfully.

Also thankfully, he already owes me $2000.

Yeah also thankfully. I'll explain.

A couple months ago, I sold him one of my cars. It is an old 1964 Dodge and I had it since before I was even old enough to drive it. I love that car, but for the most part, it just became a thing that took up space in my garage (okay that's not entirely true. I never would have called it a thing taking up space in my garage. But I'm also realistic and can say with near certainty that I never would have fixed it up to the standards that I would have wanted. This is the longest parenthesis ever. I should end this). So anyway, my next door neighbor begged me almost daily to sell it to him. After about a month of begging, I finally gave in and sold it to him for $3000. He gave me $1000 right up front and told me he'd get me the other 2 as soon as he could. Fair enough. He's my neighbor; he's not going anywhere.

Fast forward to about a week ago. Remember, my neighbor is a plumber. So he tells me he'll take care of the plumbing portion of my new bathroom, and because he's my neighbor and a nice guy, he'll give me a neighborly discount (his words) and charge me $4800 out the door. Subtract the $2000 that he still owes me from the car and my total out of pocket expense would be $2800. Sounds reasonable, right? Actually I had no idea because I'm not a plumber, so I decided to get a 2nd opinion. I got a referral of a different plumber from a family member and he came over on Friday to take a look at what I needed. Right away I started to get scared because he was immediately pointing out things that my neighbor seemingly had overlooked. Things like "you realize this pipe is dangerous to leave like this, right? Well don't worry, I can fix it" and "no that won't work but we can do it this way" and "he said that? Well he's wrong". After he left, my head was spinning. But I chalked it up to a little plumber competition and figured my neighbor knew everything this new guy was telling me and there was nothing to worry about.

After the new guy left, Jill asked me how little the new plumber would have to charge us for the job in order for us to ditch out on our neighbor and go with the new guy. I think I responded with something like "I'm sure our neighbor will be competitive, if not better. After all, he gave us the neighborly discount." I also told her that it would be horribly awkward to have another plumber's truck parked in our driveway in plain view of the entire neighborhood, so let's just hope that this guy quotes us a fortune.

Fast forward to today: the new plumber called me up, ran through an itemized list of what he's going to do, then hit it to me straight.........out the door, $1900.

Son of a bitch!

Apparently, a neighborly discount is $3000 above invoice. I'm so screwed.

- Why do they even sell regular Cap’N Crunch? If you’re gonna eat a bowl full of sugar, it might as well include delicious crunch berries, right?

- Who can we blame for the resurgence of the argyle sweater? I’m sorry but that was a Cosby staple, and now it’s popular again? Is this a David Beckham thing?

- I thought of another anti-movie cliché. A group of people are in a limo for the first time and they don’t stick their head up through the moonroof. Oh yeah, that’s definitely going in there.

- Why does Fannie May include those chocolate-covered peanut things in their colonial assortment? They have to know that those things are getting thrown away after everything else is eaten, right?

- I’m willing to bet $100 fake dollars that you know at least one guy who brags that he watches The History Channel.

- Girl Scout Cookies could be so much better. I know you’re with me on that. I’ll admit that Thin Mints are good, but there’s no reason they should be head and shoulders better than the rest.

- Another food related question since I seem to be focusing on that a lot today: why doesn’t every canned good have an attached opener on the top of the can like some soups do? That seems to me like an idea that should have been adopted 100% across the board by now.

- Have you ever thought about what it means to have a gym membership? You find a guy who has a lot of heavy sh## lying around. You ask him if you can come over every day and lift it up and down a bunch of times for an hour or so. He tells you that would be fine, but for a fee of between $30 and $50 per month. Somebody is getting screwed in this deal.

- I think that companies that hand out bonuses should do their employees a favor by switching up the date that they’re handed out each year. This would help prevent people from spending it before they even get it. Not that I know anything about that.

- I have no use whatsoever for sour cream. Well maybe for an onion dip, but that’s about it.

- On that note, I leave you with this: money talks; as long as it’s not always saying goodbye, you should be fine.

Tell me you all watched that trainwreck "The Moment of Truth" last night. This woman was on there and admitted in front of her husband of 2 years, her parents, and her siblings that she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend on her wedding day. Then she admitted that if her ex-boyfriend were to ask her to get back together, she’d dump her husband right then and there. Finally she admitted that she had cheated on her husband since they’ve been married. All of this of course was a shock to the poor schmo of a husband who was sitting there with a "holy sh## my life is over, why would she bring me here and sit me down next to her mom and dad on national television and admit all this in front of the whole world" look on his face.

Here’s the part I don’t get. The show acknowledges that these people are asked a series of questions before the taping (I think they said 50) while hooked up to a lie detector. This means THAT THEY KNOW WHAT’S COMING, at least to some degree. This woman obviously had quite a few things to hide from her family and husband. So why in the hell would she still go on the show?

I see only two possible reasons:
1. She wanted her husband to find out. Of course this means that this woman is a huge "B" because it would be a lot easier on the poor schmo to tell him his life is over in the privacy of his own home rather than airing it out in front of 10 million people.
2. This is all an elaborate setup by the show’s producers, and none of the contestants are real.

Either way, I feel dirty after watching it. And this marks the 2nd time I’ve mentioned it since it first aired. I'm not sure what any of this means, but after this and Temptation Island, I think Mark Walberg may be Satan.

Hi, all! I'm back in the frigid Midwest from sunny Arizona. I plan to have a recap of my trip up here soon (at the moment, I'm still digging out from under the mound of work left for me last week), but I wanted to check in and let you all know I'm home.

I will say this though. I had my first experience with a GPS device on the trip. We used it to guide us from our hotel to an old "ghost town" about an hour away. Has anyone else used one of these yet? I really liked it but it did make me wonder...

Why did they used a woman's voice on the GPS to navigate? I assume they did lots of research to figure out that most people prefer a woman's voice but why do you think that is? Why do you think men prefer a woman's giving him directions?

Obviously, the voice isn't meant to imitate my wife. I say this because when we got off course, the voice simply calculated an alternate route and continued giving me directions, as opposed to saying, "I guess you're not going to listen to me" and then giving me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. Also, I know it wasn't meant to mimic my wife because GPS-girl didn't seem to mind when I went more than 4 MPH over the speed limit.

My next thought was that maybe the voice is supposed to make us feel like our mother is giving us directions. However, I quickly realized this wasn't the case when the voice didn't pray loudly, "Jesus, Mary & St. Joseph!" when we were winding through the mountain roads along cliffs. I also knew it wasn't my mom when passed a road-side stands that sell yard ornaments and I wasn't instructed to "turn right into parking lot".

Nevertheless, I actually grew to like the woman's voice. She was very helpful. We talked a lot during the trip. Her name was Helen and she went to Texas A&M. It turns out that she used to be the voice on the Speak & Spell. She's come a long way.

- What is that thing on top of John Travolta's head? It looks like he's wearing Jason Alexander's wig (spray paint) from "Shallow Hal". Any time you look like a spoof, that can't be good.

- My favorite Jon Stewart line of the night: "Democrats have an historic race going, Hillary Clinton versus Barack Obama. Normally when you see a black man or woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty." Too funny.

- I was rooting so hard for that Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill bit to go over well. Too bad.

- Did you see Christina Aguilera on "Ellen" last week? I know this has nothing to do with the Oscars, but good lord. Somebody needs to make that episode 3-D.

- Miley Cyrus is 15 years old? I'm trying to think of how I would have reacted to being a presenter at the Oscars when I was 15. I think I would have walked out there, dropped a load in my pants, and then ran off stage. Thankfully, she took the opposite approach.

- I was rooting so hard for that Jerry Seinfeld "Bee Movie" bit to go over well. Too bad.

- Every room George Clooney walks into, he's the coolest person in the room. I wonder what that feels like.

- When did the Oscars turn into the NBA Draft? I think around the same time the NBA started drafting players from Europe that I've never heard of, the Oscars started handing out awards to actors and movies that I've never heard of. Oh well, 'til next year.

A few of my friend Brian's ideas for how to spend $270 million if he wins the Mega Millions tonight:

- I would purchase a multi-unit apartment building and raise the rents on the current tenants.
- I would buy a baby seal and kick it in the face.
- I would buy a submarine, travel to Alaska and fire torpedoes at oil tankers.
- I would walk up to a bum, show him a wad of 100's and punch him in the crotch.
- I would use my money to get close to Paris Hilton and light her dog on fire.....then her.
- I would cancel Lost.

C'Mon man. Cancel Lost?

Today was the NBA's trading deadline. For Bulls GM John Paxson, that meant it was yet another opportunity for a day to come and go by doing absolutely nothing in terms of making his team better, as well as a chance for him to prepare for another days worth of newspaper articles that would be calling him an incompetent moron.

Shockingly, the first part of that equation won't happen; he actually did something. He managed to trade horribly inept basketball player Ben Wallace to Cleveland for a handful of their horribly inept basketball players. Cleveland managed to get Seattle to join in the fun, so in all, 3 different teams were able to unload some of their crap in exchange for someone else's crap. A tour de force really. Let's break it down.

Chicago gets 4 players: they are Drew Gooden (tall and big, but doesn't do anything all that well. He can rebound some, but not as often as a guy should who is that tall and big), Larry Hughes (taller guard who can't shoot but gets paid like a guy who can. Translation - sucks), Cedric Simmons (sucks but his contract is up after this year, so almost pointless), and Shannon Brown (really really sucks, but he went to a local High School in Chicago, so I guess that's kinda cool).

Cleveland also gets 4 players: they are Ben Wallace (makes about $15 million annually, has no skills offensively whatsoever, rarely rebounds anymore which is the main reason he makes so much money in the first place, and shoots free throws about as poorly as my mom), Wally Szczerbiak (was good in college, okay in the pros, makes a ton of money, good shooter, and white. There's not much else to say), Delonte West (young player who I actually like, doesn't make a lot of money, decent role player), Joe Smith (IMO, he's Drew Gooden for less money), and a future second-round pick from the Bulls.

Seattle gets 3 players: they are Ira Newble (who has about as much of a chance contributing to a playoff team as I would), Adrian Griffin (who may just be the worst basketball player in the league), and Donyell Marshall (a taller swingman who can occasionally hit a 3-pointer, doesn't play defense, and is basically still living off of an unbelievable college career at UConn).

What does all this mean? It means that Chicago traded a good portion of their dead weight, and in return they took on Cleveland's dead weight. Cleveland traded a good portion of their dead weight, and in return took on Chicago's dead weight and some of Seattle's. Seattle traded some of their dead dead weight and took on some of Cleveland's.

Oh you gotta love these moves!

Because it's been requested, I give you this. I will respect the requester's wishes to remain anonymous. And because I was not able to find that without discovering this, I give you both.

Related side note: tell me you don't hear some Beatles influence in the 2nd one. I realize how blasphemous that is, but I swear I can hear it. I'm not talking about early 60's "Ed Sullivan" Beatles. I'm talking about late 60's "Abbey Road" Beatles with the out-of-nowhere and fragmented tempo changes and such.

I'm probably going to regret just about every word of this post. Including the horribly lame title.

- I have no doubt that the movie "Career Opportunities" would be a lot more popular today if it had starred someone other than the guy who played young Moonlight Graham.

- You know it’s cold out when you look at the clock and it’s right around quitting time, but you’re not even excited because it means you have to go out there and start your car.

- Greg is in Arizona right now on vacation. His hotel has a pool. And a golf course. He is a short drive away from the White Sox spring training camp. I hope it’s raining.

- I always thought that the name Dr. Jekyll sounds a lot more evil than Mr. Hyde. Anyone with me on that?

- After the final episode of "The Sopranos" aired, people were pointing out how David Chase alluded to The Last Supper in one of his screen shots. But David Chase admitted afterwards that those allusions were a coincidence and unintentional. After watching "Pulp Fiction", people were pointing out how Quentin Tarantino was also alluding to The Bible with Marsellus Wallace’s Band-Aid. But it was later pointed out by Quentin himself that the Band-Aid meant nothing and was simply covering up a cut that Ving Rhames had on the back of his head. Do you think we’re setting ourselves up for a similar letdown with all of our "Lost" theories? I’m just saying that if the final screen shot of Lost is a backwards pan of a child and it turns out the entire Lost world was just the child’s imagination as he stares into a bowl of Cheerios or something, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

From kayak.com comes the following vacation idea (h/t Mark):

Mexico City¨ Flights Hotels Cars watch fares
Immigration and border patrol seems to be at the top of every political conversation. At Parque Eco Alberto, you can go on a pretend 'Night Border Crossing Experience.' The parque is owned by the Hnahnu Indians in Hidalgo, about three hours from Mexico City. The $18, four-hour night hike starts with the Mexico National Anthem. Your 'coyote' guide, Pancho, pulls off his black ski mask while actors gather around to scare you senseless along the way. Run from border control agents; dodge hidden actors shooting (blanks) at you, and make your way through barbed-wire fences. Survivors are blindfolded, led across a rickety bridge, and then set free to run across the border to freedom!

Mark's followup line: Are American's really that bored?

Yes. Yes they are.

I'm going to show you a series of quotes from a real sports figure. These quotes will not be edited in any way, shape, or form. They will be the exact quotes as the person spoke them. And then you have to guess who they're from. I also want you to keep in mind as you're reading them the context in which he was speaking. He wasn't mad. He wasn't angry at the reporter. He was just shootin' the sh** like somebody would who is playing cards with his friends or something. Okay you ready? There's some rough language. Here goes:

''I'll be cocky. If we win this year, I might run naked down Michigan Avenue like people expect me to do.''

''I don't give a sh** what people think about me. I win 200 games in two years, and nobody ever mentions that. Well, if you're not going to give me credit when the team wins ... that made me think, 'Wow, what kind of life are we living?' My team wins 200 games, I didn't have a losing season, and they treat me that way. Then if you're a nice guy, they are going to treat you the same way. F*ck it, be an assh*** then. I would rather be an assh*** winning than be a nice guy f*cking losing. Give me an assh*** who can win, don't give me a nice guy who can f*cking lose.''

''You know what's funny? When you're on the hot seat and you tell your boss how horsesh** you are, and you tell your boss, 'Hey, man, I should do this different. It's my fault, I let this team go too far.' I let stuff go too far. And then when I put my foot down, it was like, whoa, it's the end of the world. People were saying, 'Aw, that's just [Me] being [Me].' Bullsh**. I hate the phrase. That's exactly the way I am.''

and my personal favorite:

''If my sh** sells papers every day and we win, well, I want to be on the front page every day. As long as I don't rape anybody, as long as I pay my taxes, I don't beat my wife...if I am going to be on the front page of the newspaper because of f*cking baseball, I will take that."

Okay, so who said all of those things? I'll give you one guess. Give up? Of course you don't. You knew it was Ozzie Guillen all along, didn't you? Ain't he the best? AND THE WORST?

Click here for the entire article. Or don't. I pretty much summed up the whole f*cking thing.

I'm so glad baseball is back.

I want to make a movie that pokes fun at movie clichés. Like you know when a movie character falls from a balcony, they’re probably going to hit a glass coffee table that’s perfectly positioned on the bottom floor and smash it into a billion pieces. Well my movie would have the character hit something soft like a bed or couch and get up with no injuries. Some other ideas:

- A guy will try to steal a car by connecting two wires beneath the dashboard to get it to start, but instead the car won’t do anything and he’ll get caught by the police.

- One character will recite a bible passage to a 2nd character, but the 2nd character will have no idea which chapter or verse it was.

- A character will be standing in the middle of a street. A city bus will pass in front of them. After the bus passes, the character will still be shown standing there in the middle of the street.

- The main character will be in a piano bar and ask the piano player to play a specific song. The piano player will say “I’m sorry, I don’t know that one”.

- A male character will change a baby’s diaper without being peed on, and they won’t complain about the smell. And they certainly won’t dispose of it using a pair of tongs.

- The main character won’t be rich. He/she won’t be in advertising, a doctor, a professional sports star, CEO of an international corporation, or editor of a popular New York magazine. They’ll be a brick layer or something. Or work on some kind of helpdesk answering phones.

- A character will go to a restaurant and order their hamburger well done.

- The main character will have to catch someone at the airport before they board a plane. But rather than hopping out of their car at the terminal while a security guard yells at them that they can’t park there, they’ll go to the trouble of searching through a crowded lot for an open space.

- A character will be chased through a crowded city on foot, but will make it all the way through without being hit by a car.

- The hero will get his ass kicked at the end, followed by rolling credits.

Got any more ideas?

If any of you are a fan of (or have extreme hatred for) the Food Network show "Dinner: Impossible", you'll enjoy this story about the host Robert Irvine. If the details from that story are true, this guy is quite a trip. He has had plans to open a couple restaurants in St. Petersburg, FL that would turn the town into "the next Monaco" (quotes his). Unfortunately, things have not worked out and St. Petersburg remains St. Petersburg.

Some of the things he's (allegedly) lied about:

His Claim - He got a B.S. in food and nutrition from the University of Leeds.
The Truth - The University of Leeds claims they have no connection with him whatsoever.

His Claim - He worked on Prince Charles and Diana's wedding cake.
The Truth - The school he was attending at the time made the cake. He was attending that school at the time, but he had nothing to do with the cake.

His Claim - He is a KCVO Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order and he was given a castle by the queen of England.
The Truth - This is a story he told in jest while at a bar and admits he tried to stop it from spreading.

I love it. Although I have a friend who is no better than Robert. I was with him one time when he told this girl at a bar that he was the 2nd string linebacker for the Bears. If I remember correctly, she immediately called shenanigans.

Brian: you know that commercial where the guy and his girlfriend pick up a hitchhiker with an ax because he's carrying a case of Bud Light?
Donald: yes
Brian: do you know who the girlfriend is in the passenger seat?
Donald: Negative
Brian: it's Christine Lakin
Donald: ok
Brian: Al from Step by Step
Donald: still don't know
Donald: but I am forwarding this
Brian: that's probably for the best
Donald: step by step, ooooooh baby. Gonna get to you girllllll
Brian: i'm forwarding THAT
Donald: that's probably for the best

I just heard a co-worker say, "Did I mispronounciate it?"

I was laughing too hard to hear the answer, but I think its safe to assume that he did.

I had a bad dream last night that I was trying to do algebra problems using a calculator made out of butter in a room full of bowling balls. It was a logistical nightmare.

My friend Bill is such a big gossip... but you didn't hear that from me.

I wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony too... But then I thought, "what if the only song we could all agree on was Afternoon Delight?" I'm thinking the Coca-Cola company would reconsider, too.

I bet Oskar Schindler was a very efficient grocery shopper.

'Leotard' sounds like a lion that always gets left behind during the hunt, and then when they let him in, he just drools all over the carcass.

I think they should make cheddar-flavored Teddy Grahams, if for no other reason than to put the fear of God in those uppity Goldfish.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

I didn't want to mention the "Mr. Clemens Goes to Washington" debacle from Wednesday because everybody who has a forum to do so has already done it. I'll admit it was fantastic theater, but there was really nothing left to say. But then along came this story in The New York Times, where Everybody's Favorite Congressional House Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (or as I'll call him, EFCHCCHW), decided to let us in on his afterthoughts.

The quote from EFCHCCHW that jumps out at me: "I’m sorry we had the hearing. I regret that we had the hearing. And the only reason we had the hearing was because Roger Clemens and his lawyers insisted on it."

Uh, isn't he the EFCHCCHW? The top dog? Who (or is it whom?) does he answer to? The President? If that? And he's saying he only had the hearing because friggin' Roger Clemens (a friggin' baseball player) and his friggin' lawyers (of which EFCHCCHW is probably one too, only on a much grander scale) were the one's who friggin' requested it?

I'm calling shenanigans. No, I'm going beyond shenanigans. This was full-blown no-look behind-the-back alley-oop bullshit.

EFCHCCHW is indeed a "jag-bag".

h/t Buster Olney's blog

***LOST SPOILER ALERT***

***NO, FOR REAL. I'VE GOT LOST SPOILERS COMING***

***YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET, SO WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? GO AWAY. THIS IS FOR ALL OF US WHO WATCHED IT LIVE (OR AT LEAST PARTIALLY LIVE) LAST NIGHT***

***OKAY, FINALLY THEY'RE GONE***

So what'd you think? Did you know that Sayid's boss in the flash-forward was going to be Ben? I'll be honest, I wasn't thinking it, but when I heard his voice for the first time, I said out loud "that sounds like Ben." What a fantastic episode though. I love the episodes where my first reaction after it's over is something like "wait, I don't get it". But then I think about it for a minute and it clicks. That happened last night.

Some questions I'm left to ponder this morning:
- Who is Minkowski really? I'm beginning to think he's Ben's mole on the freighter.
- What was Daniel's experiment all about, and why were the clocks no longer synchronized?
- Was Sayid's flash-forward in the same timeframe as Hurley and Jack's flash-forwards?
- Who is R.G.?

A question that was driving me crazy that I finally went and looked up and got the answer:
- Why does that Miles guy look so familiar? What's he been in? It turns out he was Junior's crazy friend in the nuthouse from the last season of The Sopranos. Ah hah!

How much for the little girl?

How much for the women?

Your women! I want to buy your women! The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.

Happy Valentine's Day

Find out all the great things Barack Obama has done for you here...

Barack Obama is your new bicycle.

h/t Molly

I'd like to explain my lack of posting the last few days. I had been out of town since Friday and an internet connection where I was would have been hard to come by. Thankfully Greg kept us afloat.

If you're curious about where I was, I was returning back to the scene of the crime. Every year around this time, Jill and I and her family and some friends of ours travel to N. Wisconsin for snowmobiling, ice fishing, and heavy drinking (normally all three of those activities would be related to one another, but with so many alcohol-related snowmobiling accidents recently, that would have been silly. So yes, I was sober. Mostly). The "scene of the crime", as I put it, was a local bar in town where my brother-in-law Tom and I got into a fight back in November. Saturday night we ended up practically closing down a bar with one of the local guys that was involved in that fight with us. So I guess it's now water under the bridge. You have to hand it to these people from Northern Wisconsin. Every single one of them looks like Mike Holmgren (6 feet tall or shorter, 230 lbs, extremely white, red face), they all drink like it's their job, they all add an extra "o" to every word that has an "o" in it like "goo grab me a coold one", they all love to fight (I saw a great one that didn't involve me and let's face it, fights are awesome if you're not involved), and I guess they all like to forget about it by morning. But this town up north has everything I need in a town; lots of lakes, lots of bars, and a casino. It's like Vegas only smaller, uglier, much colder, and there's no celebrities. Okay so it's hardly like Vegas. But for a quick weekend getaway, it's perfect.

Then again, I'm so glad to be home.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

First he sends me this. After I tell him how much I hate him for getting that song stuck in my head, he replies back with "maybe this will help". I hate him even more now.

He needs to do some work. And I need to stop clicking on the links he sends me.

By now you're probably aware that I am not a big fan of Joe Morgan. Correction - I'm not a fan of his analysis on ESPN baseball broadcasts; he could be a great man otherwise, but how would I know? I've critiqued some of his work here, some of you have read it, almost all of you have wished I didn't. Anyway, about a year ago, a commenter named Billy Batz turned me onto a website that practically made a living out of critiquing Joe Morgan called FireJoeMorgan.com. The main writer for that site goes by the alias of Ken Tremendous. We've even shared a few emails back and forth as we share similar interests (baseball, things related to baseball, and hatred for Joe Morgan). Yesterday "Ken Tremendous" finally gave up who he really is. It turns out he's Michael Schur, writer for my favorite show "The Office". You might know him better as Dwight's cousin Mose.

All this time I've been exchanging emails with Mose and I had no idea.

Kind of cool. I bet I can beat him at ping-pong.

Earlier this week, a H.S. football player named Kevin Hart called a press conference in his high school's gym to announce where he had signed his letter of intent to play college football next year. It was a pretty big deal because he was going to be the first kid in his high school's history to ever play Division I football. So it was like a pep rally atmosphere with some of his classmates, some cheerleaders, some faculty, his family, his H.S. football coach, and even some local media folks. In his announcement, he informed everyone that he had signed with the University of California, Berkeley. Loud cheers erupted and everyone was happy.

The only problem? He made it all up. The University of California, Berkeley had never heard of him. He wasn't being recruited by anyone. The whole thing was Kevin's way of pretending that he was good enough to play Division I football.

Hilarious.

And sad.

And hilarious.

Kevin is a genius.

And a moron.

And a genius.

The following is the only acceptable format for stapling documents. Do not deviate from the rules put forth in this memo.

Proper Staple Procedure
Regardless of page orientation, portrait or landscape, all staples are to be placed in the upper left corner of the materials. Upper left. All staples are to be placed horizontally with no more than 1 cm of space between the staple and either side of the page (fig. 1).

fig. 1














Diagonally or vertically placed staples are forbidden and usage of either technique is grounds for dismissal (fig. 2, fig. 3, fig. 4). The staple is no place for creativity. Express yourself on your own time and leave the staple out of your need for self-expression.

fig. 2














fig. 3














fig. 4














Under no cirumstances are multiple staples permitted (fig. 5). This practice is also referred to as a 'staple orgy'. In the event that a single staple will not fully puncture every page in the document, your document is too large. Consider removing superfluous graphs, charts, images, text, etc. to reduce the number of pages to a more managable size. A single staple should suffice. Never use a staple orgy.

fig. 5














In the event that a twisted, bent or mutilated staple becomes affixed to your document, remove damaged staple, destroy document and reprint.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Headline seen on the front page of yahoo.com:

Many people believe that the heavier a cars is, the safer it is, but it's not just size that matters.

Okay, who was in charge of constructing that sentence? Someones need to find, an editor.

One final Super Bowl-related thought and then I'll put this topic to bed - afterwards we always find out what the ratings for the game were and how they stack up against past Super Bowls and other top-rated programs. According to USA Today, the game drew 97.5 million viewers nationwide - the most ever for a Super Bowl. It was also the 2nd most national viewers for any television program ever, behind the series finale of "M-A-S-H" in 1983 that drew 106 million.

Question though - how can anybody know if this is accurate? I was only 4 in 1983, so I don't remember how big of an event the series finale of M-A-S-H was. Based on the numbers, I can see it was a big deal. But were people packing sports bars around the country to watch it? I can see how they can make a pretty accurate guess that 106 million people watched M-A-S-H, but how in the world can you account for packed sports bars watching the Super Bowl? I watched the game at a dive bar last year that can fit 85 people or so, and this place had to have been at 85 and then some. I can only imagine that just about every sports bar across the country would have been operating under similar circumstances. So how do all of those people get counted? Is it just a guess? And if so, what's the point?

My guess is that sports programs must be getting the shaft when it comes to television ratings.

- That girl from American Idol looked nervous. I don’t know what she had to be scared of; it’s not like anybody was watching.

- I’m glad she pulled it off flawlessly though. I think I’ve said this before, but there are few things as uncomfortable as when the singer of our National Anthem starts to screw it up. Once she was finished, I think I was just as relieved as she was. Or maybe not.

- I’d give my right arm to stop all this hyperbole.

- I’m sure there’s a better way to construct that joke, but I couldn’t think of it. And this site is free so leave me alone.

- Do the production folks of the Super Bowl realize that there has been music released since the late 80’s? Tom Petty? It looked like he was 100 years old.

- The weird thing about Tom Petty though is that when he was 30, he looked 100. Then when he was 40, he looked 100. And now that he’s 57 he still looks 100. I guess what I’m saying is that in 43 years, he should be fine.

- Last month Greg and I set the record for most posts in 1 month with 55. Congratulations to us.

- That was Donkey Lips, wasn’t it? Upon further review, yes it was.

- I’ve taken my fair share of rain checks, but I don’t think I’ve ever given one. I think I might be interested in something like that.

- You can't tell me that the 0:16 thru 0:26 mark of the halftime show didn't have some sexual innuendo going on. Well you can, but I won't believe you.

- Before the game, people were making Eli Manning and Rex Grossman comparisons. After the game, the only comparison that still rings true is that they both still suck. Except for Eli.

- Watching football with my mom is like watching football with my mom. There is no simile quite like it. Only she can tell you who she was rooting for; I think it was the blue guys.

- Until next time…..

Once again, the eyes of the nation have turned here to this...
tiny village in western Pennsylvania.
There is no way that this winter is ever going to end...
as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow.
I don't see any other way out.
He has to be stopped.
I have to stop him.