Monday, January 08, 2007

If sports figures actually spoke the truth

White Sox shortstop Juan Uribe is confident that he’ll be cleared soon by Dominican courts in the shooting of two men outside his home in October, adding that this case should not affect his goal to be on time to spring training. Upon hearing this news, White Sox GM Kenny Williams replied, "I’m upset that the men we hired to frame Uribe for this crime were so incompetent. Now when we cut him from the team, we’ll still have to pay the $4 million we owe him."

Kevin Garnett of the Timberwolves spoke candidly about his team’s improved play the last week, following three impressive overtime wins in a row. "It’s all me out there. I know I have four teammates on the floor with me at all times, but c’mon, one of them is friggin Trenton Hassell. Hopefully I don’t drop dead before March."

The Cubs gave $10 million per season to pitcher Ted Lilly and $7 million per season to pitcher Jason Marquis, both of whom have had limited success in recent years. Asked for his reasoning, GM Jim Hendry said "I haven’t told anyone yet, but Carlos Zambrano is making me his agent after this season. With the inflated market that I’ve created, we can now ask for $30 million and some moron GM like Brian Sabean won't think twice about giving it to us."

Buffalo Bills running back Willis McGahee, currently at five, is chasing a record set by Shawn Kemp (seven) and Evander Holyfield (nine) for the number of illegitimate children fathered by a famous athlete. "It's good for me to set goals for myself," said McGahee. He then immediately started making phone calls.

Former Dolphins coach Nick Saban, upon quitting the team and accepting a new job as Alabama’s head coach, gave his reasons behind the decision to leave Miami. "I know I said in the past that this was not about money," said Saban. "But really, who was I kidding? That's exactly what it was about. Oh, and I also came to the realization that I’m not a particularly good coach, which became magnified at the NFL level. I’m thankful that I’ll be able to get by again on my recruiting skills rather than my ability to call plays. Go ‘Bama!"

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  1. Terry Constable Says:

    That was great. :)

    I especially like the observations about Nick Saban. Although I still think the MSU victory against U of M in 1995 was incredible. I was there. It was amazing to watch.