1 Happy St

- I never know which way to go. Do I close the toilet seat lid when I flush it and risk getting back-splash on the bottom of the lid? Or do I keep it open during the flush and risk getting back-splash all over the bathroom?

- Today is the 8th anniversary of exactly 8 years ago. I thought I'd remind you.

- I just opened a snack-sized bag of Doritos and there were only 4 of them in there. What the hell?!?

- The Twins will be a better team next year now that they traded for this guy. He’s a good ballplayer, not to mention he can prepare shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried shrimp, deep fried shrimp, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burga, shrimp sandwich. That…that's about it.

- C’mon, tell me that guy doesn’t look like Bubba.

- Who else finds it odd that the law requires us to have car insurance, but it doesn’t care whether or not we have health insurance? I guess my car is more important.

- I am convinced that the taste of a cough drop is directly related to its effectiveness. And not in a good way.

- First there was this, then there was this, but why stop there? Why can't there be Air-Drummer Hero or Turntable-Scratch Hero? (courtesy of Donald)

- I'd actually like to try virtual grocery shopping. Can't Wii develop that? Then they could partner with Peapod and I'd never have to leave my couch. Let's face it, I don't want to leave my couch anyway, right? Although I suppose I'd have to get up to answer the door.

- If you're looking for the absolute worst Christmas gift to buy someone, get them a shoe horn.

- I hate that guy who points out that your face is turning red right after you were embarrassed in front of a large group of people. Yeah thanks Governor. I'm sure nobody was noticing until you pointed that out.

- If you're celebrating the New Month tonight, please be careful. There will be a lot of crazies out there on the road. And until next time, please remember to never have children, only grandchildren.

I wasn't going to share the following story for a couple reasons:
1. I'm not proud of it.
2. I'm really not all that proud of it.

But I've shared it in person a few times, and each time it has received one of the following reactions:
1. That's freaking awesome.
2. Dude, you're an idiot.
3. You're lucky you didn't get arrested.
4. Or killed.

All of those reactions tell me it's worthy to post here. So here goes.

Last Wednesday night, my brother-in-law (Tom) and I were hanging out at a local bar in northern Wisconsin. We were visiting Jill's Grandpa for Thanksgiving, and he lives in a very small town where the main street is littered with dive bars. Basically, it's the perfect town if you're an alcoholic who likes to go boating, fishing, hunting, and you don't have a job. Okay so anyway, Tom and I were sitting there at one of the bars minding our own business (of course we were), shootin' the sh## with the bartender, listening to some music, etc. It had to have been around 2 in the morning or so when the trouble started. I got up to use the bathroom, and when I came back, I saw my drink spilled out all over the floor. I asked what happened. Tom told me that one of the locals at the other end of the bar (whom we'll call Punchy) came over and dumped it on the ground and then walked away.

Here's the part of the story where I should tell you a little bit about Tom. He's got to be around 6'4" or so and strong as an ox. Picking a fight with him is considered bad policy. However, he's still only 20 years old. Meaning he shouldn't be in the bar in the first place. Getting into a fight while drinking in a bar could result in numerous days in jail. Okay, back to the story.

The two of us were now shouting from across the bar at Punchy and things were getting a little heated. To defuse the situation, Punchy's girlfriend ordered a drink and brought it to me. I reluctantly accepted it and thanked her. She asked if everything was cool now, I said it was, but I also requested that she please keep Punchy on the other side of the bar. She agreed. Punchy did not. Perhaps the fact that his girlfriend bought me a drink made him angrier, or perhaps he was just a moron (of course he was), but it didn't end there. I remember telling Tom that there was probably no way we'd be able to leave that place without Punchy getting punchy. I was right.

As Tom and I got up to leave, Punchy took a plastic cup or something and threw it right at Tom's chest. To Tom's credit, he kept walking and continued out the door while I was a step behind him. Punchy followed me. As I got to the door, Punchy grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, then made that sound you make as you're trying to hock up some flem, like he was about to spit on me. So I punched him in the jaw. Yup. I threw the first punch. And my name isn't even Punchy. I hadn't been in a fight since the 7th grade (Brian Brumbaugh). Now I was about to find out on the fly if I remembered how to do it.

Before we knew it, we were all on the sidewalk swinging away. Tom grabbed Punchy and slammed him into the bumper of a pickup truck face-first. Punchy's friend was out there now and he was swinging away. Then all of a sudden, everything just stopped. The bartender was outside, Punchy's friends and girlfriend were outside, some other locals were outside, all trying to break it up. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than 15 or 20 seconds. Before the cops could show up, Tom and I hopped in our car and took off. Even now, we have no idea what happened to poor Punchy's face. It landed face-first into a steel bumper, so there's no way he wasn't hurting. But we didn't stick around to find out; we were out of there.

So the next morning, I got up and had 2 welts on my head, one of which was still bleeding through my hair. Tom had a cut above his eye. Jill was asking what happened.

Nothing. I'm fine. We're cool.

But then I noticed that my wedding ring was gone. Oh crap. It's 8am on Thanksgiving morning and Jill's whole family (mom, dad, aunt, grandpa) was staring at me in the kitchen, wondering why I'm bleeding from the head and why my ring is gone. Tom came into the room and said 'I think I saw a ring on the ground as we were leaving the bar'. Thanks Man. You couldn't have mentioned that last night?

So we made the drive back to the bar (remember, it's friggin 8am on Thanksgiving morning and about 20 degrees outside) and sure enough, right on the curb where we had fought the night before was my ring just lying there in the snow.

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

When we got back to the house, everyone was waiting for us so that we could explain what happened.

That was my Thanksgiving.

How was yours?

You may have heard about this already, but in case you haven't, I'll summarize: A blogger named Bill Baer got into a pretty heated email conversation with Bill Conlin, a reporter for the Philadelphia Daily News. Unbeknownst to Conlin (I think we can assume), Bill the Blogger posted the email conversation on his blog, which contained some verbiage by Conlin that some people considered racist. Now Conlin is facing discipline from the Philadelphia Daily News. It also created quite a bit of popularity for Baer and his blog, and eventually led to this interview.

Pretty fascinating stuff.

For obvious reasons, I have to side with Bill the Blogger. But the whole situation raises some pretty interesting ethical questions about blogs themselves. Luckily for Greg and I, we would never post someone else's work on our blog and then make fun of it.

Oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

And oh crap.

Sorry Joe Morgan.

Steve Guttenberg now resides in rural Montana where he and his wife grow tomatoes.

T-shirts are so named because they gained popularity in the 1920's. Originally, they were known as Twenties shirts. Eventually that name was shortened to just "T-shirts".

David Duchovny enjoys spelunking.

Penny loafers were originally introduced by the Lincoln Shoe Company in Lincoln, Nebraska. The logo of the company was the silhouette of Abe Lincoln as on the penny, hence the name.

The addition symbol '+' is derived from the latin word texo, which means: to twine together, build. What we write as a plus sign is actually a lower case T.

Molly Ringwald is allergic to eggs.

Vaseline was invented as a laxative.

Christopher Columbus did not know how to swim.

Pringles chips are all the same size because they only use the parts of the potato that will make the chips that size. Proctor & Gamble sells the remaining potato pieces to the Frito-Lay company where they are used for Lays potato chips.

Blair Underwood's real name is Tootie Lowenstein.


...and that is why I'm not allowed to edit Wikipedia anymore.

Only Fox News would print a story like this and then quote Martez Brisco word for word, presumably to allow everyone reading it to laugh at his English butchering. I'd complain, but it's why I read Fox News.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times (okay, probably only once). Never fight an angry transvestite. They're built like men but they fight like women. You simply can't win.

So now we officially know how Baby Grace died.

After reading what her mother did to her (I'll spare you all the details, but click here and read for yourself if you don't mind ruining your day a little bit), I think it's safe to say that she's better off now.

Uh, anybody want to sit between us? No? Nobody? C'mon, I'll skooch. Alright forget it then.

Not to be a Barry Bonds apologist here (actually, that's exactly what I'm going to be), but does anybody else see the irony in the U.S. government's claim that Barry committed perjury? He gave a secret grand-jury testimony regarding his purchase or use of steroids. By law, his testimony should have been sealed and hidden from the media. However, two reporters from San Francisco got their hands on his statements and then wrote a book about it. The two reporters still to this day are refusing to acknowledge who leaked the testimony to them. Regardless, it was determined that Barry lied in his "secret" testimony, and so for that, he is now being charged with a crime.

Who else sees the hypocrisy here?

When all is said and done, Barry should sue the government.

[Editor's Note: This commentary does not necessarily reflect the opinions of 1HappySt or its staff. In fact, Greg and Brian both think it's wrong to ever sue the government. Or even bring up the notion for that matter. Unless of course you're Barry Bonds and you have a legitimate claim. Wait no, not even if you're Barry Bonds. You should NEVER sue the government. The government is always right. Thank you..........Please do not audit me]

What if Stacy Peterson isn't really dead? What if she actually did leave with a boyfriend or something and she's alive somewhere? Then, what if Drew Peterson actually did kill his 3rd wife Kathleen Savio? Wouldn't that be the ultimate karma? He got away with it until his 4th wife Stacy decided to leave him without a trace.

Last night after telling Jill my "theory", she one-upped me. What if Stacy is alive, but has co-conspired with the Savio family in order to get Kathleen's body exhumed?

Wow. I think she just wrote the plot to a murder-mystery movie.

- I couldn’t have been the only person who was relieved that Kanye West’s mom’s plastic surgeon was a black guy, could I have been?

- Hey, did you hear? Rudy Giuliani World Trade Center 9/11 Center Giuliani Trade 9/11 Rudy Center New York 9/11. Yeah I know, I was shocked too.

- I don’t think I should have to pay the $3.95 for ordering ‘License to Wed’ on pay-per-view. I think the producers should have to pay me for having to sit through it. Before you make fun of me, it was a Jill pick.

- Everyone on Tila Tequila should be shot. Or they should at least be hosed down for a few hours. Knowing that there are people in this world who actually exist and who act like that kind of makes me pray that Global Warming is real.

- Too harsh?

- Well if you haven’t seen that show, I certainly won’t be the one recommending it. But if you have 30 minutes or so of free time and you wanted to waste it by staring at your television in disbelief with your jaw dropped to the floor the whole time, then please do check it out. You may want to take a PDO from work the next day though. Yeah, you’ll feel dumber for the next day or two.

- Why is it so hard for my insurance company to bill me correctly after I make a change to my policy? Am I the first person to ever trade in my old car for a new one?

- NOTE: This is my Thursday posting, but it’s going up on Wednesday night. I doubt I’ll have any time to post anything new the rest of the week because I have meetings all day on Thursday, and then I’m leaving for Michigan on Friday. That’s right, I’m visiting the bro. He’s performing live on Friday night at a coffee house. Turns out our boy and resident webmaster is quite the talented singer. I’ll be the judge of that. And fear not, I’m bringing my camera. Until next time........

I never know what that means. Until next time. Until next time what? Nobody ever finishes that sentence. Well I'm going to. Until next time, be safe and always remember, whatever you do from here on out will be insignificant, but it is still extremely important that you do it.

A quick cherry-picked portion of Drew Peterson's interview with Matt Lauer from earlier this morning:

Matt Lauer: "You've said on occassion that Stacy came to you and said she was seeing someone else; that there was another man. Is it fair to say that you believe that Stacy right now is with that other man?"

Drew Peterson: "She never told me she was seeing another man ... well, maybe she did. But I believe she's with someone else right now."

You've had 3 weeks to get your story straight, and that's your answer? Nice effort there Drew. I hope you end up in a cell with an inmate that you arrested.

For version 1, click here

- That Guy who tells you how many beers he’s had. Okay Punchy, let’s take it down a notch.

- That Neighbor who bought a copy of Monster Ballads and then decided that the whole neighborhood was probably in the mood for some Mr. Big and Cinderella while he worked on his car in the driveway. Or was that Warrant? Oh no, it was Slaughter. My bad.

- In all honesty, I actually like that Mr. Big song. Hold on little girl…….sorry bout that, let’s get back to the list.

- That Guy who likes Mr. Big.

- That Guy who always wins at beanbags.

- That Guy who takes his shirt off at the football game when it’s in the teens.

- Anybody who says “Let’s take it down a notch”.

- That waiter who knows too much about the wine list. Just fill the glass Skeezik.

- That Guy who manages to tackle me even though we’re playing flag football.

- That Guy who shows up to flag football wearing his old High School football jersey (usually the same guy who ends up tackling me). This guy will also be sure to remind everyone that he used to be good back in the day and his high school almost won state. No, I’m not bitter.

- That Guy who smokes only when he drinks. He’ll be sure to tell you that he only smokes when he drinks. I think he should do it more often. And take up crack too.

- That Guy who golfs in the 70’s and then says “I did okay but it wasn’t my best”.

- Is this going to end soon?

- Okay last one. Still Joe Morgan.

- It may have been a bad idea that I joined the coffee club at work. It used to be that I’d pick up a cup from Dunkin Donuts on my way into work. But now that I have access to an unlimited supply of coffee 8 hours a day, I’ve been drinking it like it’s my job.

- Do children under 10 years old understand the universal sign for asking someone to roll down their car window? Or will they just think I'm having a muscle spasm in my elbow?

- What did we do before broadband? Did we really wait a minute or so for each page to show up?
- Does anyone have an envelope and a stamp I can borrow?

- There’s only like 8 or 9 people in the entire world who will understand the previous random, and none of them read this blog (I don’t think). But it was fun for me to include it anyway. And yes, I deserve a nerd alert.

- For some reason, you have to be a guy to appreciate anything on The History Channel. Then again, you definitely have to be a female to appreciate Bridezillas. Luckily, The Hills is universal. Or at least I'm telling myself it is. Audrina needs to dump Justin (Bobby). He sucks.

- Greg had it right back in 1998 when he moved 4 hours away from the family. He gets to pick any free weekend in November or December and that’s when he celebrates the holidays with us. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to make ourselves available 9 or 10 different times.

- What did we do before DVRs? Did we really watch everything while it was airing live?

- I won’t pretend to understand what childbirth feels like for women. But I bet the pain is on par with getting dirt in your contact lens. No?

- I apologize, but I have to end here. I’m all out of coffee and I smell a fresh pot brewing. Enjoy your Tuesday.

If you're Paris Hilton and you're trying to clean up your party-girl image through philanthropy, which cause do you take up? I know. Drunken Indian elephants.

To be fair, this is actually nice of her. Someone needs to raise awareness of drunken Indian elephants, so why not Paris? The situation has been out of control for far too long.

But I love this quote within the article from Sangeeta Goswami, head of animal rights group People for Animals: "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in northeast India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."

It's like Sangeeta knew I would need a ridiculously long and detailed quote for this blog. Let's hope they all keep up the good work. And if you're looking for a good holiday donation, be sure to check out
www.takingnoteofrecentincidentsofwildelephantsinnortheastindiagoingberserk.com/

Oh, it doesn't exist? Well it should.

If you're a fan of Las Vegas and you're over 60 years old, you probably heard that The New Frontier was imploded this morning. I'm a fan of Las Vegas, but just a shade under 60 years old. However, I still have a couple of stories related to The New Frontier that make me sad to see it go.

2004 - My friend Chris Lucht's bachelor party - The whole B.P. group was staying at Treasure Island, but I was originally a "no" when they were making reservations. So last minute when I realized I could make it, I had to take what I could get. My boy Donald from work said he'd tag along, so we started looking for deals. Another guy we worked with at the time named Art recommended The New Frontier because it was cheap, had a great pool, and was still on the strip. Even now, I have no idea how Art could have given this place the description that he did, but at the time, any idea would have been a good one, and his sounded perfect. When we arrived, our first clue that this was not the place for us should have been when the front desk gave us the key to our room and it was a real key. Like for a house. Not a swipe card. A real friggin key. How old is this place? Then we checked out the "fantastic pool" that we had heard so little about. It was hardly fantastic. It looked like the pool where the movie 'Cocoon' was filmed. We kept hearing a bell go off in the middle of the day; we weren't sure if this meant a new bingo game had started, or if somebody had died. The TV channel in the room that talks about the hotel was on a continuous loop, but the video was made in 1986 <-----this is not a lie. There was one silver lining however - the main bar served $4 jack and cokes. And they were good.

2006 - My bachelor party - We were staying across the street from The New Frontier at The Wynn. Our very first night, we tried our hand at The Wynn's nightclub called Tryst. After waiting in line for almost 2 hours and not getting any closer to the door, we pitched the idea and walked across the street to The New Frontier. First things first, we decided to gamble a little bit. I sat down at a $5 blackjack table, and within 30 minutes or so, I was up over $200. Nice. By now, it was probably after 11pm, so my friends dragged me from the table and decided on checking out that horrible redneck bar with the mechanical bull. If you've ever been to The New Frontier, you know which bar I'm talking about. There's line-dancing and guys there wearing black jeans, T-Shirts, and cowboy hats. The only thing missing is peanut shells on the floor. On the way to the redneck bar, I stop at the main lobby bar and order myself a Red Bull and Vodka, where I'm probably guessing it's going to be cheaper. The bartender says "we don't have red bull, but I got this instead". I can't remember what it was, but he advertises it as an energy drink that tastes like Red Bull. He is wrong. It is the worst-tasting $8 drink I've ever had. I end up puking for like 10 straight minutes. Not good. My friend Tony finds me and asks what is taking so long, I play it off like I just had to pee really bad, then he tells me that everyone is already inside the redneck bar. I walk over there with him and the bouncer at the door ends up talking me into purchasing their $20 all-I-can-drink package. I had just finished puking that horrible kryptonite concoction, so $20 is a small price to pay to feel good again. I hand him a $20 bill and he gives me a wrist band. Once inside, I go straight to the bar and order a jack and coke. The bartender says "that'll be $7", or something like that. "Not so fast," I say as I show him my wristband. The bartender laughs at me. "That's only for beer," he says. He points out about 30 cups of beer spread out at the end of the bar and says "you get those". Sonofabitch. I grab one and take a sip. It's warm. "What is this?" I ask. "Bud Lite," he says. I say "do you have any Miller Lite? Or something cold?" He responds with "just Bud, and it should be cold." Sonofabitch again. "Just give me that horrible energy drink with the vodka please."

New Frontier, I'll miss you.

If I owned a monkey, I think I'd have to start drinking coffee just so he'd have something to grind.

How come when I go to some restaurants and order a hamburger, they ask me if I want cheese on it? Look, guy in Wendy's hat! Cheeseburgers have been around for quite a while. If I wanted a cheeseburger, I would have asked for a cheeseburger! If I order a chili, you don't ask me if I want it on a hot dog! That's a chili dog! I mean what I say and I say what I mean! So chop chop, fancy hat!

Sorry about that. I needed to rant.

I think "able to use product without vomiting" is more important than "product actually works", which is why I use Scope instead of Listerine.

My wife and I have a living will in which she specified that she doesn't wish to be kept alive by any artificial means, so I don't know why she was so upset when she fell off that boat and I didn't throw her a life jacket.

I think the expression "shit hit the fan" is the perfect definition of a gross exaggeration.

You don't have to be a sports fan to appreciate this story.

Last week, Wyoming football coach Joe Glenn guaranteed a victory in their upcoming game against Utah on Saturday.

Fast-forward to the 3rd quarter of that game. After Utah scored again to go up 43-0, Utah's coach Kyle Whittingham called for an on-side kick so they could get the ball back and continue to run up the score.

Wyoming recovered the on-side kick, but it didn't stop Wyoming's guarantee-giving coach Joe Glenn from looking over towards the Utah sideline and giving Whittingham the finger.

The best part? I counted 3 "my bads" in the post-game interviews.

Late in the game, the crowd of 42,000 began chanting "guarantee" and Wyoming coach Joe Glenn said afterward that he regretted making that promise. "I got emotional last week and got my big Irish mouth going and made the guarantee," he said. "I'd probably like to have it back now. I wouldn't do it again."

On Sunday, Utah coach Kyle Whittingham told the Desert Morning News of Salt Lake City he regretted calling the onside kick. "My emotions got the best of me, and after thinking about it, I wouldn't have done it in hindsight. But emotions were running high as you could tell. That's the nature of sports, I guess. At times your emotions get in the way of sound decision-making."

Then on Monday, Glenn released the following statement regarding his gesture: "I met with my team on Sunday and apologized to them for the gesture I made toward the Utah bench during the game. I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment."

Can this excuse be used in any circumstance? I think it can.

"I called your wife a slut. But you know what? I totally regret it. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I say things that I regret later. This was one of those times."

I like it. Let's try another one.

"I smacked you over the head with a tack hammer and called you a retard. But I cannot stress this enough; that was my bad. Sometimes I get emotional and hit people in the head with tack hammers and call them retards, but I never feel good about it afterwards. I apologize."

See what I did there? I combined the emotional excuse with a my bad. I can't wait for a real-life experience where I can bust this out.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck has revealed the name of her newborn son: Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck

[Editor's Note: one guy who may give a sh##??? This guy. Although I still doubt it.]

A spokesperson for J-Lo has confirmed she's pregnant

[Editor's Note: This will definitely not be the last time we hear from this award. In fact, Brian is quite excited for its next installment. What will it be? Nobody knows]

Hi everyone! Greg here. Remember me? I trust Brian has kept everyone up to date on my bio-dome project. It's been an amazing experience. The last bio-domers left the place a total wreck. I was thinking about calling in a favor from Ty Pennington. He still owes me from getting him off sugar.

What is it with that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show, anyway? Every time I watch it, I feel like I've been emotionally raped. I finally had to stop watching all together because no 7 year old boy wants to see his dad bawling over interior design.

I still don't understand the show. Every episode is basically Ty telling people, "I know nothing is going to bring your dad and your husband back...but maybe this flat panel TV will help."

The worst ones are the ones about sick kids. "As you all sit in this brand new house waiting for little Timmy to finally kick off, you can at least sit in the comfort of your new indoor hot tub!"

Another thing that bothers me is how they do these theme rooms for the kids. They act like they know the kids so well and then they pick one little nugget and that's the kid's identity, as if being into skateboarding means I want to sleep teetering on top of a half pipe in my effing room. "Well I really got to know Betsy in the minute and a half it took us to walk her out to the limo and I noticed that she was wearing shoes when outside.... so her whole room is going to be floored with recycled sneakers and her night stands are going to be shaped like Mary Janes."

There is something especially creepy about how they just destroy all the houses too, as if the old house has no memories. "Do you know what will make the hurt of your mom dying go away? An army of blue shirted immigrants destroying the house she used to take such painstaking care of... And here's a video clip to watch at Disney World of all these strangers taking chainsaws to the couch where mom and dad conceived dead Billy."

If they do anything to preserve the old house, it usually comes off as a little forced and awkward. "Tina, I know you've had it the worst when you found out that your dad was killed in Iraq and then you set your family's house on fire while burning a candle in his memory, so yours was my secret room... check out all those new picture frames! I made them myself from the charred remains of your home!"

Frigging Ty Pennington.

At any rate, the bio-dome project is just about finishing up so I should be around a little more often. Thanks for holding down the fort, Brian!

If the Patriots are 15-0 heading into their final game, I hope they don't rest their starters. Every year a team wins the Super Bowl, but in the history of the league, only one team has gone undefeated and that was 35 years ago. And even they didn't go 16-0; they only went 14-0. Going 16-0 is something that no team in history has ever done. It's the right play.

I hope Barry Bonds signs with a team and leads them to the World Series, then declines all post-game interviews afterwards. Then I hope he declines the World Series MVP trophy on live television, walks out of the locker room, and is never seen or heard from again.

I hope A-Rod signs with the Angels for $300 million over 8 seasons, but for the next few years, his team finishes no better than 3rd.

I hope Kenny Williams thinks twice about his "David Eckstein can be my leadoff hitter" idea.

I hope my fantasy team stops its losing streak.

I hope Greg returns from the bio-dome.

I hope the Bulls finally win a game.

I hope Sidney Crosby scores 100 goals this season. I'm not even sure what that means, but I needed a hockey wish.

And finally, I hope that I have an impromptu running race against a handful of my in-laws who are roughly my age and I completely dominate them and leave them in shock at how wicked fast I am. Oh wait, that already happened. Yeah that's right.

Is it possible to not be angry when reading stories like this one?

A 13-year-old girl hugged two of her friends as they were parting ways from school for the weekend. Displays of affection are forbidden at her school, so she was disciplined with two days worth of detention. According to the school's handbook, "displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved." District Superintendent Sam McGowen said that he thinks the penalty is fair and that school administrators were following policy in the student handbook.

District Superintendent Sam McGowen is also a moron. And so is the teacher or student or para-pro or whomever it was that turned this girl in. I love that a district superintendent would use the "we're following our policy" crutch. Nevermind that the policy itself is vague. What is a display of affection? By definition, a smile would be. So would smiling at someone also be grounds for detention, or would that circumstance warrant some kind of critical or outside-the-box thinking?

Who are these people? Obviously they have way too much power for people with limited logic.

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan is on his way to prison for the next 6.5 years (probably much much less time than that) after being convicted of fraud in April of 2006. He will serve his time in a minimum security prison in Oxford, WI. The reason he’s going to prison in the first place is because he took bribes while operating as Illinois’ Secretary of State, which resulted in people getting their drivers licenses who shouldn’t have, as well as blah blah blah nobody cares anymore; it’s finally over.

A couple thoughts and then I’ll leave it alone:

1. He was convicted in April of 2006. It is currently November of 2007. What the hell?!?!

2. He will serve his time in a minimum security prison in Oxford, WI. People who have been to Oxford Prison have said it’s kind of like staying at a college dorm. No gates, no guards with guns. Just drunken frat parties and keggers. Okay maybe not, but almost. So why is he complaining about having to go? Who wouldn’t want to stay in all day, watch some television, work out, have food prepared for you 3 times a day, and play some cards? The man is 73 years old; that’s probably his daily routine now. The only change for him will be the clothes he has to wear and his wife won’t be there.

Seriously, what’s not to like?

[Editor's Note: This is not the official opinion of Brian. He was merely making a sarcastic observation regarding what Georgie's prison-life will be like. On the contrary, Brian loves his marriage and wouldn't give it up for anything. But ask him again when he's in his 70's]

- I remember when the trees would lose all of their leaves by Halloween. Now it seems like they’re not even starting to fall until November. Is this a real problem or am I remembering this wrong?

- There have now been two separate instances at work when I have tried to refer to Microsoft Outlook’s Appointment maker to a co-worker or customer and I called it Evite instead. It was just as embarrassing both times. I blame Sue.

- Everyone has that friend who somehow manages to send out at least 1 different Evite every week. Sue is mine. There’s no way there could be that many things to do.

- I don’t think it’s possible for a crazy person to put razor blades in their apples at Halloween anymore. They’d be the only sonofabitch who was handing out frigging apples, so there’d be no way to get away with it.

- *Uh, Mister? This apple you gave me had a friggin razor blade in it.* *That wasn’t me.* *Uh, yes it was. You’re the only sonofabitch who put a friggin apple in my bag and when I got home it had a friggin razor blade in it.* *Hmm, are you sure?*

- See? That didn’t work.

- If I was a tornado intent on causing as much death and destruction as possible, I’d blow into town on Tuesday morning while the sirens are being tested.

- It’s good to be back. Maybe not for you.

Gruss dich mein freunden und vie gehts?

I'm not even sure if that's right, but I tried. That's what 2 years of German 14 years ago will do for you; absolutely nothing.

Sorry for the lack of material the past week. My computer has been broken and Greg has been busy preparing for the next bio-dome project. The good news is that my computer is fixed, and Greg's bio-dome project is running right on schedule.

No, that's not true; I was only kidding. My computer wasn't broke. The truth is I was out of town. But now I'm back and better than ever. Or at least as good as before. Or maybe worse. Yeah, probably much much worse.

I have just one story to share with you as I get back into the swing of things [what does that phrase even mean 'back into the swing'? What swing? Like a swing in baseball? Or a playground swing? Or swing dancing? What's the past tense of swing dancing? Is it swing danced or swung danced? I think it should be swing dunced. Okay, my story]. Halloween night, this little boy who came to our door combined trick-or-treating with fund-raising. After we gave him some candy, he handed us a sheet with a bunch of crap that he was selling for school. So not only did he hit us up for a snickers bar, but he also hit us up for an $8 box of chocolate that we'll probably never see. No joke. This kid went up and down the block with a bag of candy in one hand and a fund-raising catalog in the other. He may be a genius, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.