1 Happy St

I hope everyone likes the new layout. It's really a work in progress but hopefully, we'll get all the kinks worked out over the weekend. If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email us.

Among some of the new features you'll notice are the expandable archive list in the right column along with some new widgets available from our host service, Blogger. The poll to the left is one example of what's to come.

How do you know if a question is rhetorical? Don't answer that.

I'm an organ donor. So far, I have had no takers.

Saying the word "entendre" is hard for me.

I think if you say something has pizazz, it automatically means that it doesn't.

What's with the men's dress shirts that are various colors but have white collars and cuffs? I don't get that look.

Has that girl from the Miss Teen USA pageant signed on to do commercials with Mapquest yet? Someone has to make that happen.

I know I'm getting old because now I look forward to school starting again.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

The following quotes from Ozzie Guillen follow Thursday night's game in which the White Sox finished with 4 errors. They also come one day after his complete meltdown after Wednesday night's game. Enjoy.

''I don't want guys getting comfortable with this sh##,'' Guillen said. ''Like, 'Turn the page, we get them next year.' I don't like that because if we keep playing like that, there's not going to be a next year for a lot of these guys to come back on this club. It's the same thing every day. It's like your kid is 2 years old and he likes Barney. And you put that little sh## down there for three hours watching that sh## back and forth, back and forth, the same song for six hours. That's what I've been doing since April. Same fu##ing thing. Rewind it. 'You OK? Yeah, OK, here's your bottle, keep watching Barney.'''

I don't know about you, but I could read that quote over and over again. Ozzie, I'm gonna miss you next year.

From today's Daily Southtown:

An Oak Lawn, IL woman is suing her former boyfriend to prevent him from again posting on a Web site a videotape of them having sex. The woman, identified only as Jane Doe, wants a judge to order William Colquitt, of Chicago, to refrain from reposting the tape and to award her an unspecified amount of damages, according to the lawsuit that was filed Wednesday.

Doe and Colquitt met in 2002 while she was working for an airline, and they began an "intimate relationship" that lasted for more than two years, the lawsuit says. In June 2004, the couple decided to "make a very personal intimate video," which featured a nude Doe engaging in sexual acts with Colquitt, and that was intended to remain private, according to the lawsuit. It says Doe ended the relationship in December 2005.

On Aug. 7, 2007, the video appeared on dirtytube.org. Colquitt also opened a Myspace account in Doe's name, sending links to the video entitled "My First Black Guy" to Doe's friends.

This Colquitt guy is quite the innovator, no? I guess this just enforces the old saying that once you go black, you end up on the Internet for everyone to see. Or something like that.

See if you can find the quote in the following AP story that stands out the most:

BEIJING -- The Meng brothers felt pretty good about their chances of making it out of the collapsed coal mine, until the sound of digging from outside stopped. With no food or water, they were forced to eat coal and drink their own urine from discarded bottles. Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou finally dug their way to the surface after nearly six days underground -- a rare tale of survival in China's coal mines, the world's deadliest. The two even managed to crack jokes about their wives remarrying after they emerged Friday from the illegal mine in Beijing's Fangshan district.

Meng Xianyou said: ''I told my brother, your wife is going to have to marry someone else.''

''I said, 'Right, I had been thinking about buying an apartment in town for my wife and it was going to be someone else's,''' Meng Xianchen added.

''I laughed too, I said my wife could find a rich man in Shenyang. But then I thought, I have two children and my wife is ugly, so it'd be hard for her to remarry."

Something tells me this guy is going to wish he was stuck back in that mine soon.

Question: Recent polls have shown that 1/5th of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Take it away Miss Teen South Carolina.

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some (it actually sounds like she says "Osama" here, but I can't be sure) people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like in such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

Now we can joke about this because it's funny. But imagine how surreal it must be to stand on a stage with millions of people watching you while some girl named Aimee Teegarden is asking you questions and A.C. Slater is holding a microphone in your face. Personally, I think she did as good as can be expected.

I'm driving to work this morning in the center lane of a 3-lane highway. There's an accident up ahead in the right lane, so all the cars to my right are merging to the center with me. As you can imagine, traffic is moving pretty slowly. As we start to get closer to the accident, this crazy woman from the left lane just ahead of me begins to try and get over to the center (WHERE ALL THE CARS FROM THE RIGHT ARE TRYING TO GET TO AS WELL). The guy in front of me wants no part of her. He's being a real jerk about it too by riding the car in front of him and refusing to let her in. He rolls down his window.

"#### You, Lady! Stay the #### on your side."

Seems reasonable.

I'll let her in though. She's clearly insane and I'm already running late, so what's one more car in this already packed lane? I wave her in and she gets in front of me. But then she puts on her signal again. She's trying to get all the way over to the right. What the hell? Does she not see the accident over there? This woman really is insane. She's rolling down her window. She wants to talk to me. What the freak is going on here?

"Thank you," she says. "The woman in the accident up here is my sister, I'm stopping to help."

"Any time," I say.

What's the moral of the story?

Women can't drive.

- I have never been able to see the baby on the ultrasound picture.

- Everybody has that one utensil that jams the drawer each time you try to open it. For Jill and me, it's the black plastic spatula. Damn you black plastic spatula.

- I’ve never beaten a horse that was alive either. In fact, if I did, I think I’d be in the same predicament that Michael Vick is in.

- Why do I have to sniff my wine before I drink it? Am I a dog? I’ll swirl it around a little bit and do the song and dance routine if it makes you happy, but I’m not sending it back. I’m at a restaurant and I ordered a $24 bottle of Pinot Grigio; it’s not like I’m looking for perfection here. So give me my bottle, give me my glass, and go back to the kitchen and get me my food. Thanks.

- Wow, that was mean. Let’s end this on a lighter note.

- I want to make a t-shirt that says "Pay no attention to my bob-a-lones", but then there’s an arrow pointing downward towards my bob-a-lones with a small message that says "you couldn’t help yourself, could you?" I would totally make that my goin-out shirt.

- Yeah, that was lighter. I can end here. Viernes Feliz!

By now we're all aware of Michael Vick's situation. He "allegedly" planned dogfighting matches at his house where dogs were killed, electrocuted, tortured, etc. etc. etc. The details of what "allegedly" occured are horribly graphic and unbelievably insane.

Based on the following quotes, NBA star Stephon Marbury doesn't think so.

"I think it's tough," Marbury said, according to Albany TV station Capital News 9. "I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It's just behind closed doors."

He's got me convinced.

And by convinced, I mean outraged. And by outraged, I mean I really don't care.

What day is it again?

This column was forwarded to me by a friend of mine. I implore you to read it. It's about baseball (kind of), but even if baseball is not your thing, I'm still imploring you to read it. Please.

See if you can spot the sexism, racism, and general insanity of Andy Rooney. How is this man still alive?

Maybe he isn't.

There's this gay guy that I know who recently shaved his head into a mo-hawk. So yesterday we crossed paths and as we did, I said to him "hey, what's up Mo?"

I said "what's up Mo?" to a gay guy. Then we shared a moment of awkward silence and continued walking away from each other slowly.

Did you hear the news? Abe Lincoln's face was deformed. It turns out that the left side of his face was much smaller than the right. This may have been the cause of his left eye occasionally drifting upwards independent of his right eye.

Okay, that's enough. The man has been dead for over 140 years. He was ugly and awkward and tall and geekish and smelled funny and pee'd in the shower and picked his nose and had that weird foot fungus, but he also freed the slaves. I think we should leave him alone.

- I once threw a baseball directly at the broad side of a barn. Now nobody can ever say I can’t do that.

- My favorite pair of jeans has really small front pockets, and that just pisses me off.

- I have never done anything at the drop of a hat, at least not that I can remember. Correction: I once bent over and picked up my hat, but I think that goes without saying.

- You ever have one of those moments where somebody is telling you something that they think is common knowledge, but it’s not common knowledge to you, but you have to play it off like it is because you don’t want this person to think you’re an idiot? But then you can’t help but think that maybe this person is making all this shit up in hopes that you’ll agree with them about something they’re making up on the spot and they want you to seem foolish? I hate those moments. Somehow these conversations always seem to involve politics or finances and I think I know why. It’s because nobody wants other people to know just how ignorant they are when it comes to politics or finances.

- I’d be willing to bet that a woman would wear orange pants if she thought they made her butt look good. Have I made this observation before?

- Why are the young couples on "House Hunters" always borderline retarded? Does everybody act like that when they’re looking at houses?

Sorry for the length of this one; I gotta run. Have a fun weekend.

Something that always bothered me - when Keith Hernandez asked Jerry to help him move, Jerry thought their relationship was far too new for Keith to be asking him something like that. When Kramer heard that Jerry had agreed to help, he was reasonably upset and said "Next thing you know you're gonna be driving him to the airport", while Jerry replied with "I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!" This sequence of dialogue implied that according to Jerry and Kramer, driving someone to the airport is even more of an inconvenience than helping someone move. I think that’s backwards. I've given plenty of people a ride to the airport, but I can't see myself ever helping one of them load one of their gi-normous couches into a truck. It takes a special kind of friendship (or incriminating photos) to ask someone to help you move, but I think you can ask just about any yahoo to drive you to the airport.

Now picking you up from the airport, that’s a whole different story.

[Editor's Note: Brian wasted another 1HappySt milestone to critique a short piece of dialogue from a 15-year-old television show. Yes, this is 1HappySt's 500th post. Woo Hoo!]

...maybe 7 minutes..... too long!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It's been confirmed. Click here for details. Brian encourages jokes at his own expense for being so wrong about our Joe. 1HappySt wishes them happiness.

Word has it that 1HappySt's resident whipping boy has proposed to Gina Glocksen and she said yes. This is not official, just a rumor. Details to follow as soon as we can find them.

I'd say Elvis just turned over in his grave, but that's probably not true since he's dead. But if he was still alive, he'd definitely be turning over in his grave.

Studies like this one bother me. Particularly bothersome are the comments from "the experts" that are usually associated with them.

The study shows that food wrapped in McDonald's packaging tastes better than identical food that is not wrapped in McDonald's packaging, at least according to the preschoolers who were part of the experiment. Well I call shenanigans. The food doesn't taste better. The wrapping is cooler.

From the article: Study author Dr. Tom Robinson said the kids’ perception of taste was "physically altered by the branding." The Stanford University researcher said it was remarkable how children so young were already so influenced by advertising.

Nonsense. Their perception of taste wasn't physically altered. Kids like the idea of going to McDonald's. To them, McDonald's represents going out to eat. They like Ronald. They like the playland. They like Hamburgler. Is he still around? I don't think so. Not the point. The point is that this is completely reasonable. I'd be more shocked if the study found something different.

Adults do the same thing. Have you ever liked a car simply because it was a Mercedes or a Cadillac or a BMW? Have you ever thought that maybe if the exact same car said Kia on it rather than Mercedes or Cadillac or BMW, you would feel less enthused about it? Of course you would. Kia sucks. Also not the point (and no offense to any owners of Kia). The point again is that this is completely reasonable.

Now these experts are shocked at the results? Personally, I'm shocked that they're shocked. And shocked that they even took the time to study something like this.

Go cure something.

I'll keep this week's critique of the Joe Morgan chat short and sweet by ignoring the answers where he's simply wrong while instead focusing on where he gives his standard "non-answer" answer. And away we go.
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Jon (Emerson, NJ): Do you see the Yankees winning the wild card and what roll do you see Giambi filling when he returns?

Brian: Jon, I think you meant "role", not "roll". Unless of course you're referring to some kind of popover at the buffet table. Joe, I beg of you to answer that part of the question with something like "a Pillsbury with butter". Please, do it for me.

Joe Morgan: ...They have a chance of winning, but it doesn't mean they're going to win. Giambi, if he can come back and hit, that left handed bat can help. They can get better if he can come back and produce.

Brian: Ugh. No comedy, no answer. I'm bummed. Although we're only 1 question in and Joe is already on a role. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
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Rob (rs nation): Hey Joe, What'd you think of Schilling's return to the mound last night?

Brian: Here's what I imagine Joe to be thinking in his head while he reads this question from Rob: "Easy now Joe, you remember that Schilling guy. He's on the Red Sox. He has that blog. You hate blogs. You hate Schilling. You probably shouldn't mention him in this answer. Just mention his team. You're familiar with the Red Sox, just make something up. You should probably mention the Yankees too. You can't mention the Red Sox without mentioning the Yankees. Okay Fingers, type away."]

Joe Morgan: The Red Sox are a good team. They've been able to play well even with him out. Their starting pitching is the key. The Yankees have the best lineup, but not the best pitching.

Joe's Brain: Good work Joe's Fingers.

Brian's Brain: Why am I even reading this chat? Oh yeah, for 1happyst. Greg doesn't pay me enough for this crap. I wonder if I paid my Visa bill. Eh, who cares? Jill will take care of it. No she won't, I better pay it myself. No, concentrate. Get back on point. Focus Man.
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CJ (Farmville, VA): You think this may finally be the year the Angels win it all?

Joe Morgan: The only thing that concerns me with the Angels is their shortage of power. You can eliminate Vladimir by not pitching to him. He's the only consistent power hitter on that team. I love watching them play, because they play the way the game is supposed to be played. But at this stage, their pitching hasn't been as strong.

Joe's Fingers: That didn't even make sense. Hey Joe's Brain, you just said that the only thing that concerns you is their shortage of power. Then the last thing you had me type was that their pitching hasn't been strong. Pick a lane, which one is it?

Joe's Brain: Shut up Fingers, nobody asked you. ESPN will pay me regardless of the nonsense I have you type. You think it's easy being their best analyst and an Emmy Award winner? Quit your yapping and get to typing. Hey, that almost rhymed.

Joe's Fingers: I hate you.

Brian: I'm staying out of this.
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Luke (Nome, Alaska): How valuable is a bench? What types of hitters do you need for a good bench? How useful are pinch runners . . . do they waste a roster space?

Joe's Brain: If he's just a pinch runner, you're wasting a roster space. I think bench players are important, especially late in the season. The kind of guy that I would want is a guy that could run.

Joe's Fingers: There's no way I'm typing that.

Joe's Brain: Too late, you already did. You were typing it as I was thinking it. Sucker.

Joe's Fingers: Have you ever thought of moving to Singapore and stealing something? I'd be down for it.

Brian's Brain: This chat makes no sense. Greg's gonna be mad. Eh who cares? Let him be mad, he's not paying me for this. Which reminds me, you still haven't paid that Visa bill.
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Rick SD: Do you think there is often too much weight and kudos given to individual stat data accomplishments in what is supposed to be a team sport?

Joe Morgan: Finally somebody that understands the game. You're right. Statistics are overrated. What you do to help your team win is what it's all about. These stats like OPS, it doesn't tell you what you do for the team. To my opinion, to help the team, you drive in runs or score runs. That helps the team. That's how you should be judged.

Brian: Wrong

Brian's Brain: Hey, you said you weren't going to point out the stuff that was wrong, only the stuff where he didn't answer the question.

Brian: Shut up Brain and pay that Visa bill. And please end this chat. Nobody's reading anymore anyway.

Brian's Brain: Done and done!
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Bunions sound like a failed product from Frito Lay.

There are two kinds of people: People that can recite every line to every Monty Python bit, and the people that think all those people are idiots. I'm sure you were a hit at your high school musical cast party, but I'm sorry. I just don't get it.

I always thought it unfair that 1, 2 and 3 get ST, ND and RD's but 4 through 20 are all stuck with TH's.

I don't care what anyone says. Candy Land is a way better game than Chutes and Ladders. What's worse than getting to square 87 and having to take that long frigging chute back to 24? Plus, I never liked any game that used a spinner. Every spinner sucked. Yes, I'm look at you, Game of Life!

What happened to Jim Carrey?

I have 3 kids, but we've been really bad at getting pictures taken of my 11-month-old Jack, so I really only have pictures of Andy (7) and Joshua (4) at my desk. I have a baby picture of Joshua that looks just like Jack though, so that works, right?

I really want to buy an iPhone soon. Because if history has taught us one thing, it's that cell phones and mp3 players never come down in price.

They say that breast implants are becoming a common gift from parents to daughters for college graduation. If the parents were smart, they'd buy the girls implants for high school graduation instead, to help her earn some money to pay her own way through college. That just seems like the smarter investment to me.

Do I end the week on a breast implant joke? Yes. Yes I do.

- I like the taste of chewable vitamins.

- Jill works at a hospital and I’ve heard the stories, yet I continue to mow my grass while wearing sandals.

- I don’t like to drink beer with my dinner. But I love a good beer right before dinner.

- Is it okay for a guy to wear his sunglasses atop his head while he’s indoors, or is that too feminine?

- I prefer fall to summer, but only because summer goes by too fast and that’s depressing.

- Speaking of fall, I have never used the word "autumn" in regular conversation.

- In the movie "10 Things I Hate About You", what were the 10 things?

- The Dairy Queen girl asked me my name last night. She said it’s because she "wanted to know the names of her regulars". I’m not sure which curse word to use, but I’m leaning towards the one that rhymes with "fun of a stitch".

- I’m a huge White Sox fan, but I’ve watched or listened to at least a portion of every Cubs game this year. Call shenanigans if you’d like, but it’s true.

- I’ve followed politics for years, and yet I’ve only voted for the President once in my life.

- Whenever I have to create a new PowerPoint, I never start it from scratch. I always use one that I used previously and just change the words and colors around.

- An underrated downer to the Internet era – gone are the days when people reach the 3 and 4 thousands in their check number. I’m at 1260 and pretty much holding still now.

That is all from me for this week, have a safe weekend.

Is this play being produced by Bialystock and Bloom?

If you have 30-40 minutes to spare, click here. By question 25, you'll be cursing me for turning you onto this. And your eyes may hurt. And there's no way you'll be satisfied with your score. And you'll be disappointed to learn that you're not special. In fact, you're probably only slightly above average. But other than that, it's a terrific exercise.

Being the good sport that I am, I will share my score with you. It was 112. I always thought it would have been higher than that. My day is a little bit ruined.

Good luck to all of you who try. Actually, I hope you fail miserably.

This is insane.

Amanda Lynn Bailey (41) of Florida was arrested on charges of drunken driving for the second time since April. Normally this story wouldn't be worth mentioning, but she was photographed in her mugshot wearing the best T-Shirt of all time ----------------------------------->

Here is the latest chapter in the well documented golf adventures of the guys of 1 Happy St.

As many of you may know by now, Tuesday night is my golf league night. Brian only really golfs when someone asks him, so he can almost get away with being a lousy golfer. Since I play in a competitive league on a weekly basis, I actually have to do things like play it where it lies and keep score and explain to my wife why I need to buy more golf balls again.

One would think that with all the golf I play, my score would be showing signs of improvement. You would think that. And now, you'd actually be right! Last night was my personal best round. I shot a 50. I would have broken 50 had my putt for par on the last hole been half an inch to the right.

We play 9 holes every week ("Just like Alex Rodriguez!" says my 11 month old Jack) and I'd been averaging around a 56-60 this year. Last year I was in the 60's consistently, but I upgraded to Callaway irons and my game improved immediately.

Unfortunately, my score was not the highlight of the evening. The most excitement of the night took place between the fairways of the 3rd and 4th holes. As is often the case, my drive on the 3rd hole par 4 went far and way right. It landed on the far side of the 4th fairway. With about 200 yards to the green, I squared up with my 5 wood. From my angle, I had a clear line to the pin, with several small trees far to the left. In those trees was someone from group playing the 4th hole. I saw him there but he was no where near where I was aiming. So I let it go.

And I hit him. I'm telling you, my ball hunted him down like Tommy Lee Jones. He wasn't even close to where I was aiming but my ball darted at him so fast, I barely had time to yell, "FORE!" He never even flinched. My ball caromed (Brian likes that word), and I quickly went over to see if he was okay.

Thankfully, he was. Actually, I think the ball really only grazed his butt. He was wearing baggy shorts and I think that helped slow the ball down considerably. Of course I apologized profusely (is there any other activity one can do "profusely") and he told me he was fine and not to worry about it. I was hoping I'd catch up with him in the clubhouse to buy him a beer but I never saw him again. I also could have thanked him for stopping my ball from going too far off course.

All in all, it could have been a lot worse, but I was happy to bogey the hole.