1 Happy St

You have my permission to use this joke tomorrow. I promise somebody will laugh, but you really have to sell it. Afterwards, give a sneaky smile that says "yeah it was lame but you have to appreciate the effort". That's the key. Okay, here goes. After the dishes are done and the leftovers are being put away, pick up a piece of cold turkey and say, "Man I'm addicted to this stuff. One day I hope to be able to quit, but I doubt I'll be able to do it on the first try."

Then look around and smile. It'll work I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I guess this has been out for a while, but I just saw the commercial for the first time a few days ago. It's monopoly with a friggin debit card. Um, we don't accept cash here, but we accept all major credit cards and/or debits. Also, that property you bought at the beginning of the game has dropped in value by 50% while your taxes have gone up, so you just defaulted on your mortgage. WAAAA waaaa! To help pay your bills, you tried to rob the convenient store at the corner but you got caught and now you're in jail. Oops. Too bad there's no longer any get out of jail free cards. No, if you want to get out of jail, you'll have to over-spend for hot-shot lawyer or get a Presidential pardon. It's Monopoly 2008-style! Woo hoo!

What will they think up next? Nobody says "sorry" anymore, so can they change the name of that game to something like "I'm sorry if anyone happened to be offended"? How about instead of "Chutes and Ladders", we have "Chutes and Elevators"? A kid today isn't gonna climb a ladder. And what the fuck is a chute for that matter? Just call it Elevators and Slides.

Candyland? Can we change Candyland? I guess not much has changed with candy except for maybe gum drops. I don't think I've ever eaten a gum drop, so I doubt kids today are eating them. Okay fine, gum drops will change to chewy sweet tarts. Mmm, chewy sweet tarts.

I haven't done a research paper in a while, but if I was forced to do one, my works cited page would just be a series of hat tips. I can't think of any research topic where I wouldn't be able to find everything I needed using a handful of blogs or search engines, so my works cited would look like this:

1. h/t daily kos
2. h/t gawker
3. h/t gizmodo
4. h/t google (I'd keep it general)
5. h/t huffington post (just for fun)
6. h/t seth godin
7. h/t wikipedia

Oh c'mon that's funny.

Her: What's your email address?
Me: bs1594@______.com
Her: Is that "B" as in Bosco, "S" as in South Africa?
Me: I guess.

What's with all the pirates?

I never understood why workout instructors or gym teachers or meatheads will say things like "no pain, no gain". First of all, who the hell wants to be in pain? In my opinion, no pain, no pain!! I could choose to exercise today, but afterwards my body would hurt. Isn’t that more drama than I need? I’d much rather sit here and do nothing and allow my body to feel no pain whatsoever. Of course the alternative is to actually get up off my ass and do something, which leads me to my second of all; the phrase itself is wrong. "No pain" implies that I’m not working out, so it would stand to reason that I’m going to gain a few pounds, right? Especially around Thanksgiving. So in this case, "no pain, plenty of gain".

I should totally put that on a t-shirt.

In that "24: Redemption" thing from Sunday, I can't figure out why Jack employed the "jump out of the tree like a ninja and land on top of the bad guys" move. That move never works. I remember trying that move once in grade school , but I missed my target by a couple feet. Ouch that hurt. But you know what? Even if I would have hit my target, I think that would have hurt just as much as it did from hitting the ground. Either way, I was still falling out of a tree, right? So what would the difference have been if I would have landed on a person rather than the ground? It's like in wrestling; if a wrestler jumps from the top rope and lands on his opponent, that's usually the crushing blow in the match. The guy who takes the brunt of a jump from the top rope isn't recovering from that*. But if a guy jumps from the top rope and his opponent slides out of the way at the last second, the jumper is the one who ends up in serious pain. I mean what the fuck is that?!? Personally, I think it would hurt more if you landed on the dude.

* I never understood why wrestlers tried this move. By my count (which is unscientific and uses little to no data other than my own memory), jumping off the top rope had a less than 50% success rate. Granted if you pulled it off, you were gonna be the winner. But with the success rate being what it was, I think it was a silly gamble. Sometimes wrestlers could be so dumb.

Back to Jack Bauer, the ninja tree move was the wrong play in my opinion. Maybe if it was only one guy who he was attempting to land on, it may have worked. But he was jumping on two guys. And it was two guys with automatic weapons in their hands. It had no chance.

I just had a conference call that went like this:

Her: Hi who joined?
Me: This is Brian.
Her: Hi Brian. You know we don't need you today so you can drop off.
Me: Okay bye.

Work's got me so stressed right now.

Me: Installing windows are a pane.
Me: No good?
Him: I see right through that joke.

Producer: Do you think we should...oh I don't know...maybe move down a few feet?
Sarah: Nonsense. This is fine.
Producer: Really? 'Cause I gotta say, this feels like a bad idea. I don't really see the value of shooting it from here. Also...and again this is just me throwing this out there...but uh, well there could be kids watching this.
Sarah: Well it could be educational.
Producer: Yeah but it could also get pretty graphic. Honestly, I'd feel more comfortable if we just moved down a bit.
Sarah: Just shoot the son-bitch.
Producer: Fair enough. In 5, 4, 3, 2......

George Bush’s approval rating is 23%. You might look at that number and think "jeez, nobody likes him". I look at that number and think "jeez, who the [bleep] are these 23%?"

We’ll be back with more unfair George Bush attacks right after this [que music].

I recently changed my personal email password from something I had been using since 2003. How long do you think it'll be before I can enter it correctly on the first try? So far I’m like 0 for 25.

Google maps doesn’t know where my house is. If you type in my address, Google maps takes the liberty of changing it to a house on the other side of town. You have no idea how much trouble this has caused me.

I can’t think of anything that is more boring than watching other people play video games.

Speaking of, I can’t think of anyone who is ruder than the guy who won’t let others play Guitar Hero on the display at Best Buy. Okay maybe I can. But EF that guy anyway.

It took me until the 3rd or 4th time of going to Funny or Die that I realized it wasn’t called Funny Ordie. I kept wondering who or what ordie was.

That’s probably one of those things I should keep to myself. Screw it. You already know that I’m a moron.

On that note, remember that it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably the parent of a loser.

Seven or eight years ago, I came up with 3 personal rules about movies I'd be willing to see.

1. It couldn't be about mummies
2. It couldn't be about vampires
3. It couldn't have Chris Klein in it

That 3rd rule was me just trying to be funny (and failing again). But those other two rules I still take seriously to this day. Stories about mummies or vampires are uninteresting to me. It's like being a Cubs fan; I understand that there are people who root for the Cubs, but I'm not going to pretend that I understand why. I'd just assume let other people watch while I stay out of the way. I know mummy and vampire movies exist even though I'd rather they didn't. But if someone else wants to be a fan, that's their problem and doesn't concern me.

But this influx of vampire bullshit recently is starting to concern me (First with True Blood on HBO and now with this movie Twilight). Someone asked me yesterday if I was looking forward to seeing "Twilight". The look this guy gave me when I responded with "what's Twilight?" reminded me of the look I give to people when they tell me they're fans of Dane Cook; a mixture of confusion and shock with just a hint of anger. I felt like Jon Favreau's clown character in Seinfeld when he said he didn't know who Bozo was.

Me: "What is it some kind of movie?"
Him: "Some kind of movie? Twilight is THE movie. Twilight the movie, that's what it's called."
Me: "So I don't know what Twilight is, big deal. You're hung up on some movie from the 60's man."

Okay, so now I know. It's a busted vampire movie starring Robert something-or-other. It's a movie I'd never see based on a book I'd never read.

Good, great, grand.

Fucking vampires.

Jill and I watched The Hills again last night. I told her that it would be the last time I'd watch it. I can't take it anymore. The show is so stupid, the people on it are so unlikeable, and every time I watch it I end up getting mad. And it's not anger that's directed at anything or anyone in particular. It's just general madness. Something about the show irritates me to no end. I've composed a list of possible reasons why I get so irritated. My guess is it's one or all of the following:

- Justin Bobby's goofy hats and the way he sticks his jaw out when he runs out of things to say.

- Audrina's big teeth.

- Whenever a character says "are you serious? oh my god". First of all, it wasn't a big deal. And I have no second of all; it wasn't a big deal. Yes he cheated on her, but it wasn't the first time he did it and it won't be the last. She's a complete fucking moron and he's an asshole so it was bound to happen.

- Brody's birthday parties.

- Everything about Spencer. He's rude, he's dumb, he has no friends, his facial hair is the same color as his skin, and he has a girlfriend who won't leave him. If you were to look up "douche" in the dictionary, it would probably say something about feminine hygiene. Er, you know what I mean; that stupid dictionary picture cliche'.

- Lauren and Stephanie's computer class. Or is it a fashion class? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that nothing ever gets accomplished there.

- Lo. Why hasn't another woman punched her in the face yet? Right square in the nose.

- The way Whitney pronounces the "g" at the end of any word that ends in "-ing" to where it sounds like a "k" sound. Are the guys comink? I have to go out to my car and get somethink. Ugh. It sounds like there's a gallon of phlegm in her throat. Clear that shit.

I'm sure there are more "thinks" that bother me, but those are the reasons that I can think of off the top of my head. So goodbye Hills. It's been a pleasure. And by "pleasure", I mean "series of half-hour increments where I wanted to kill myself after it was over". Enjoy the rest of your run.

For security concerns, Barack Obama may have to give up his BlackBerry. From the NYT:

For years, like legions of other professionals, Mr. Obama has been all but addicted to his BlackBerry. The device has rarely been far from his side to provide a singular conduit to the outside world as the bubble around him grew tighter and tighter throughout his campaign. But before he arrives at the White House, he will probably be forced to sign off. In addition to concerns about e-mail security, he faces the Presidential Records Act, which puts his correspondence in the official record and ultimately up for public review, and the threat of subpoenas. A decision has not been made on whether he could become the first e-mailing president, but aides said that seemed doubtful.....aides said he hopes to have a laptop computer on his desk in the Oval Office, making him the first American president to do so.

The first e-mailing President? A laptop computer? He's so techy. What next, a VCR?

This story is awesome.

For 22 sixth-graders from Bellwood, IL, it's the chance -- and challenge -- of a lifetime: If they can get all A's and B's throughout middle school and high school, stay out of trouble and graduate, they'll earn a college scholarship worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to Concordia University in River Forest, IL.

Fifth Third Bank is sponsoring the program, which includes free tuition, room, board and books at Concordia, where tuition is nearly $30,000. It's likely to cost substantially more when these kids start college, around 2015, though Concordia plans to offer a steep discount.

The cynic in me says that this opens up the possibility for lawsuits if a teacher of one of these 22 students gives them a C in the next 7 years. But....wait, I'm no cynic.

This story is awesome.

We're approaching that time of year, so if I had just one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids. Definitely. The second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina Somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too. She's behind me one hundred percent on this, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, y'know 'cause it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean they're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth. So we reorganize.

Here we go; first, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies. Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell. That would be the fourth wish. And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you Everybody and Merry Christmas.

Ever since I came up with my no-brainer rule, I've been hearing people use that term more and more.

Do you think they'll go for it here on 4th down Johnny?
I'd say it's a no-brainer Bob.

Do you think Dusty will let his starter pitch the 9th?
Of course, that's a no-brainer.

Should I tell my boss I'm unhappy with my salary?
Oh yeah, it's a no-brainer. If you're not happy, you gotta tell him.

In other words, sometimes a no-brainer means you're not using your brain. I was reminded of this last week when I heard one of the local sports radio guys (Brian Paruch on AM670?) saying that the Cubs trading for Jake Peavy is a complete no-brainer (in the good way).

The radio host was saying that whatever the Padres want for Jake Peavy, the Cubs should give it to them, whether it be Jeff Samardzija, Ronny Cedeno, Sean Marshall, Josh Vitters, Tyler Colvin, or anybody. He didn't mention whether or not he'd include Soto (in my opinion, it would be borderline criminal for Jim Hendry to include Soto in a trade for Jake Peavy), but let's assume Soto is untouchable, I still think a trade for Peavy using those other players is the no-brained version of a no-brainer. Let's look at Jake Peavy first.

When he's healthy, Jake Peavy is one of the best pitchers in the league. He strikes out 9 per 9 (sometimes more), he doesn't give up many hits (relative to guys who do), and his ERA has been under 3.00 in four of the last five years (granted, this has been at Petco). These are all good things. But let's look at the bad.

After 2007, he was coming off three straight seasons of pitching at least 200 innings. In 2008, he only pitched in 173. Why did he pitch in fewer innings? Because he missed six or seven starts. Why did he miss six or seven starts? Because he was experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm. Why was he experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm? Because he throws a lot of sliders. Why does he throw a lot of sliders? Because that's his 'out' pitch. Why am I asking questions and then answering them? Shut it, nobody asked you. My point is this: the reason he has been one of baseball's best pitchers for the last five years is because he has a wicked slider to compliment his capable fastball. But if the guy is starting to show signs of elbow trouble, you can bet that he'll have to cut down on the number of sliders he'll be throwing in the future. And with a fastball that runs 92-94 mph, what does that make him? Well potentially, it makes him an average pitcher rather than the Cy Young candidate the Cubs thought they were trading for. Granted, he's still a rotation guy, and you can't have too many rotation guys. But let's talk about the guys the Cubs would have to give up to get him.

Jeff Samardzija (who has a no-trade clause. WTF?) is replaceable I suppose. It's not like the Cubs have ever counted on him. He's a reliever with a great arm whom I suspect will always be a reliever. He's good to have around, but not completely necessary. Ronny Cedeno has similar value. He's not a good enough hitter to be their starting SS by any means, but he's a good defensive replacement in late innings and a capable spot-starter. Josh Vitters and Tyler Colvin, well there's your future right there. But who cares about the future? We need to win now! So okay, they're gone. But then we get to Sean Marshall. He sucks, right? Well not exactly. I'm willing to acknowledge that he'll never be more than a back-end rotation guy or long reliever. On the Cubs, however, the back-end rotation guy and long-reliever is extremely important. Look at their starters. You have Rich Harden, who for some reason can't pitch more than five innings a game. You have Carlos Zambrano, who for some reason can't go the entire season without missing a few starts here and there. And with this trade, you'll have Jake Peavy, the "ace" who is beginning to show signs of elbow pain in his throwing arm. Who is the guy who would fill in when Harden gets taken out in the 6th and Zambrano and Peavy miss their starts? Today it'd be Sean Marshall. If this trade were to happen, Sean Marshall would be the guy filling in nicely at the back-end of the Padres' rotation.

So is it a no-brainer for the Cubs to trade for Jake Peavy? Yeah, I'd say it is.

Follow-up note from Brian: I have confirmed that the radio host was Brian Paruch. Greg, you may remember him if I call him by his old Q101 name. He's the Whipping Boy. Yeah now he's on AM670 as a fill-in host. His voice is even more grating now that he's talking sports.

Sometimes when I'm with my friends in a group setting, this blog will get mentioned in conversation. Somebody will say something like "oh, you've never been to his blog?" Then the other person will say "no". Then the first person will say "yeah it's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."

And that will be the end of it.

Other times, somebody will come up to me and say something like "Dude, I hadn't been to your blog in like 2 weeks, but I just spent the last 30 minutes catching up on all of it. I loved your joke about Elian Gonzalez." Then I'll say "yeah, thanks. Wait, what joke about Elian Gonzalez?" And he'll be all "hmm, maybe that wasn't your blog. I caught up on a lot of reading this morning."

And that will be the end of it.

But on Saturday, I had a first. I was at lunch with a handful of friends and we were well on our way to that first conversation up there. But watch how it turned out:

Guy 1: "You've never been to his blog? It's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."
Guy 2: "What's it called?"
Guy 1: "Number 1 Happy Street"
Guy 2: "Ha....What the frig is the address here?"
Me: "Wait a second. You get it?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, My Blue Heaven. Awesome movie."

I think I'm in love with Guy 2.

These are the kinds of pointless conversations you would have if you were me:

Him: "I don't know how old you were in the 1980's, but blah blah blah market crash blah blah blah oil prices blah blah blah economy blah blah same thing blah blah blah more stuff on the economy blah blah blah in 1987 blah blah blah and then again a few years later."

Me: "Well I was of varying ages in the 1980's because it spanned 10 years."

Him: "What?"

Here's how that entire conversation went in my head: "Wait for it, wait for it, don't pay attention to what he's saying, wait for it, wait for it, the joke sucks but you should still use it, wait for it, wait for it, NOW!"

Gee, I wonder where they got this idea.

Bastards.

The following is an IM conversation between me and a Cubs fan friend of mine:

Me: The Cubs are hoping to bring back Dempster, closer Kerry Wood and backup catcher Henry Blanco, all of whom are free agents. The deal for Blanco is expected to get done shortly provided the Cubs agree to his demand for a no-trade clause.
Him: I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing at me when I get there.
Me: He'll be all 'Dude I totally got you. I could have made you a White Sox fan or a Cardinals fan. I could have even made you hate sports. But I went this way instead and it couldn't have worked out better for me.'
Him: I'll show him. Let's go Tigers!

From the Miami Herald:

A Miami-Dade jury has awarded almost $1.2 million to a 21-year-old man hit in the groin by a batting-cage pitch. Lhyvann Felipe, who was 19 years old at the time, was hit in the groin by a 60 mph pitch. He was hospitalized several days later. The ball struck him after an employee [of the place] asked him to go back into the batting cage to help pick up the balls. The machine, which had already completed the cycle and did not have the lights on, spit out the ball, which hit him. The judgment called for Felipe to be paid $160,000 for medical expenses and $1 million for pain and suffering.

I have a couple thoughts after reading this:
1. What kind of busted place is this that makes you retrieve your own balls? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
2. Even if I was collecting my own balls at a batting cage, I still wouldn’t be walking in front of that son-bitch regardless of whether or not the cycle was over. That defies Rule #18 in my big book of personal rules that are based on the movie series "Final Destination", which is "Never put yourself in a position that could potentially allow a machine to act out on its own and kill you".

This rule is also responsible for me never going near a shower, a dentist, an elevator, a fire escape, a roller coaster, or sporting equipment thats hanging in the rafters of a garage.

h/t TBL

If you're at all like me (and I know you are), you spend a lot of your free time coming up with a person or persons to be pissed at. No? That's not you? Yeah it's not me either. But sometimes it could be cleansing to have some hatred. So I'm going to do you a favor and give you a group of people you can devote a full day's worth of hatred towards.

The executives at AIG.

I defy you read that story and not wish personal harm on each of their executives. I defy you read that story and not at least contemplate [generic activity that's probably illegal that I'm not typing on line]. Go ahead. Try to. It's not happening.

"Our defense is designed to stop one aspect of the opposing team's offense while ignoring the other. If we stop the run, the QB will look like Steve Young. If we stop the pass, the RB will look like Walter Payton. It's a system that has worked in the past and we're sticking with it."

- A fake quote by Lovie Smith designed to look real by making its message factually accurate

I think they need a new plan.

I felt sick to my stomach during Pam's classmate's speech to her last night. Should a 30-minute television show have this kind of effect on me? No it shouldn't. Stellar episode though. Finally.

Oh and 30 Rock was the shizz once again.

Do do do do DO, do do do do do.
Do do do do do, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO. Do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.

Do do do do DO, do do do-do do do do.
Do do do do do, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.
Do do do do DO DO DO, do do do do do.

Do do do do do
(Do do do do do do do-do)
Do do do do do

Here's to hoping that Chris Matthews will one day become the beat reporter or lead journalist for a Chicago newspaper's sports section. Then I won't have to read about how badly Luol Deng sucks or how bad the Bears defense is.

This creeped me out a little.

So did anything interesting happen last night? I went home sick from work, took some meds, and passed out until this morning. My newspaper feels really thick, so something must have happened, but I haven't had a chance to read it yet. I see a black guy on the front page waving to me, but the headlines aren't clear on who he is or why he's waving.

Okay, well I'll check in later.

Found here: Pakistani Sunni Muslims devotees return back to their homes on a packed train after attending annual religious congregation in Multan, Pakistan, Sunday, Nov 2, 2008.

I think there's an opening in the back.

My cell phone rings.

Him (laughing): "Hey Man, I totally just saw you picking your nose."

Me (confused): "Yeah? Where are you?"

Him: "I'm right behind you. You just passed me at the toll booth."

Me: "I'm in the office right now."

Him: "Oh. Wait, okay it's not you. He looks like you though and he drives a Magnum just like yours."

Me: "I drive a Jeep."

Him: "Oh. Never mind."

I had a conversation with a friend of mine on Friday about last Thursday's episode of The Office. It went something like this:

Him: "Did you see The Office last night?"
Me: "Yeah."
Him: "Wasn't it awesome?"
Me: "For real?"
Him: "You didn't think so?"
Me: "Eh."

I'll admit after looking back on some of the posts I've had here recently that I've been a little bit down on things. And for that, I apologize. I also hate being "That Guy"*. But in my opinion, this whole season of The Office has been kind of weird. It's had its moments (just about everything with Nard Dog or Darrell), but overall, I can't think of a single episode all season where I'd call it a classic while previous seasons had a classic episode just about every week. And I don't really see where they're going with this Jim and Pam thing. This show has always been kind of awkward, but it's also been funny at the same time. That lunch with Jim's brothers wasn't funny at all; it was just painful. And I could have done a better job of acting than the two jokers they got to play them. Who were those guys?

* By "That Guy", I mean the kind of person who hates anything that's popular. I can come up with a whole list of things I like (and still do) that have been or currently are popular that some people will hate for exactly that reason. Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, DMB, O.J. Simpson. So I strive to not be That Guy.

It's only November; there's still plenty of time to right this thing. I just hope Jim's brothers are done making appearances 'til the wedding.

There's a handful of movies that I'll sit and watch at least a portion of any time they're on. Shawshank is one of them, which I happened to catch a few days ago. But when I got to the end this time, something caught my attention that I had never noticed or questioned before.

Just before Andy broke through the prison's plumbing system and crawled through that river of shit, he slammed a rock into the pipe a handful of times to get it to break. Now assuming that it was made of some type of lead/galvanized steel, how did he puncture it using just a rock? And then how was he able to carve out a perfectly round hole big enough to fit through? Do you know if any of that is even possible? I have two thoughts on the subject:

1. He wouldn't have been able to break it using only a rock.
2. Even if he could have, he probably wouldn't have known that beforehand, which makes his overall plan rather suspect right from the start.

Please tell me I'm wrong. I hate to find flaws in my favorite movies.