1 Happy St

The scene: him and her walking along a crowded street.
Seen on scene: a billboard for a New Kids reunion tour.

Her: "Who is that guy on the left again?
Him: "That's Jordan."
Her: "Oh yeah. I can't believe you remember that. What's his brother's name?"
Him: "Jonathan."
Her: "Geez you're a nerd."
Him: "Their names are beneath their pictures."

I don't understand diplomatic relations between countries. I just read this headline: "Georgia to sever diplomatic ties with Russia"

Um, ya think?

So I clicked on the link, and I read this: "Georgia said Friday it will recall all diplomatic staff from its embassy in Moscow to protest the presence of Russian troops on its territory. Russia criticized the move, saying it will not benefit relations between the countries."

Um, what? What relations? The relations where Russia introduced their tanks to the streets of Georgia and split the nation in two? Those relations?

It reminds me of the time when Greg got mad at me for not sending him a Christmas card even though he had just killed my dog on purpose and had fun doing it. His argument was something like, "sure I killed your dog on purpose and I had fun doing it, but that's no excuse for not sending me a Christmas card. What's your plan here, to ruin our relationship? Well it's working. Grow up a little bit." And then he let the air out of my tires.

By the way, I was trying to figure out which label to use for this post and I noticed that we had previously used "Russia". I have no idea what that could have been about, so I'm looking forward to publishing this so I can check it out. Yeah it's an exciting Friday.

What were your thoughts on Joe Biden's speech last night? I thought it was pretty sub par. He said of his wife Jill, she’s the only one who leaves him breathless and speechless at the same time. What does that mean? Show me a woman who leaves me breathless AND speechless, and I’ll show you a bitch. The breathless part I get; it's corny, but I get it. But what does it mean if your wife leaves you speechless? Speak up, Man. You may just be our Vice President.

I would also like to know more about McCain’s support of tax breaks to businesses that outsource their work that Biden mentioned. Was he implying that McCain supports tax breaks to corporations BECAUSE they outsource, or just tax breaks to companies that DO. That’s kind of a big difference, no?

And then with the "that’s not change, that’s more of the same" part. Seriously, who wrote that? I felt like he was reading me a children’s book.

Sub par effort from our potential VP in my opinion. Billy boy was great once again though.

If this little guy asked me for money, I'd totally give it to him.

Jay Mariotti resigned from the Sun-Times yesterday, less than 3 months after he signed a 3-year contract extension to remain at the blip blop blip blah douche.

I really don't care about this story all that much. I read his column sometimes, but I never got all that worked up with what he wrote like the rest of Chicago did. The man probably hates his life and his way of dealing with it would be to write negative columns about Chicago sports teams. Eh. Whatev's. Here's wishing him the best.

Translation: I hope he dies a miserable death.

Pat Hughes: "Ron, does it affect a player when they know rain is coming? Do they change their approach at all?"

Ron Santo: "No, it doesn't affect a player at all. I don't remember it ever effecting guys. Sure it might be in the back of your mind that there could be a delay, so yeah I could see it effecting a player."

I'm satisfied.

I'm not sure why I even watch The Hills [or why I admit to it]; the show sucks. It's not real, none of the characters are likeable, none of them can act, and all of the situations are forced. But I have to mention the quote from Spencer last night. Near the end of the show, he was having a conversation with his sister, who told him that the reason she had been spending so much time with Lauren (Spencer's enemy) recently was because she hoped that she could eventually get them to start getting along. Spencer's response was classic. He said something like "that would be like trying to get Iran and Israel to get along." First of all, I don't get it. It's one of those quotes that is almost offensive, but sounds too dumb to be. Did he mean Israel and Palestine? Or was he referring to a relationship that isn't even the most volatile of the region? Let's assume he actually meant Iran. What exactly is the relationship between them? One country doesn't recognize the other. The other country doesn't seem to care, but wouldn't be afraid to fire off some missiles in their direction from time to time. Is that about right? Well that's my basic understanding of it.

So let's recap - a contrived relationship between two unlikable characters on a fake reality show :: a real relationship between two countries whose dislike for each other could result in deadly nuclear attacks.

Yeah that sounds about right.

Sorry for the lack of posting around here. Greg is still trapped near the inner-circle of fault, and Jill and I joined our friends Brian and Sue on a vacation to New York. I figured I could either use this post as an opportunity to apologize, or an opportunity to bore you with pictures. Or how 'bout both?

First off, let me tell you how awesome New York is. It may be the only place in the country where you can walk into a dive bar and spend $10 for a domestic beer. You gotta respect a place like that. I had been there once before, but it was 5 or 6 years ago and I was by myself. Round 2 was a lot more fun.
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Okay starting left to right, you have me, Jill, some guy, 2 girls, Sue, and Brian. The 3 people in the middle were old friends we knew a long time ago who moved to New York a long time ago.

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This is Offica Paul White. We met him our first night and he told us about all the cool baws and clubs to hang out at. He also spoke with a New Yawk accent that we found pleasing. Oh, and he faked like he was writing us a ticket for the benefit of passers-by.

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Our first day we checked out Radio City Music hall. It was pretty gay. The hall itself was nice I guess. But the tour was gay. Really, really gay. That picture up there is me taking a break during the middle of it. And in the spirit of the tour, the look I was going for was gayness. I think I pulled it off nicely. A young girl on the tour who witnessed my pose mentioned that it was "totally going up on your myspace". Not having a myspace page, this blog will have to do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The main reason for the trip in the first place was to check out Yankee Stadium, this being its last season and all. I was shocked to learn that they cheer for Derek Jeter there. I had never been to a place where Derek Jeter was cheered before; it was odd. Also, the Yankees were playing the Royals, but the whole 1st half of the game, the scoreboard showed the Yankees against the Angels. It took until the 5th inning for the scoreboard operator to fix it. The Royals get a lot of respect around these parts. The stadium itself sucked, but I loved the fans. They boo their own players if they swing and miss, even if it's only strike 1. Lesson learned - every stereotype about Yankees fans is 100% accurate.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you didn't know, New York doesn't have alleys, so all of their garbage piles up on the curb right where people walk. It adds to the fun, I say. Quick side-note that has nothing to do with the picture: earlier in the week, I read an article about Michael Phelps that said he eats 12,000 calories every day. I shared this story with Jill, Brian, and Sue, which led to our theory that he probably does nothing except eat, swim, sleep, and shit all day. So every time one of us had to use the bathroom during our trip, we would say "hang on you guys, I have to Phelps." Believe me, it was funny the first 500 or 600 times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't even try to act like that isn't funny. Using my head to cover up the "C" in Canal? That's comedy gold in my opinion. Hat tip to Sue for the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you think we didn't make fun of Brian for wearing a Cubs shirt beneath his Yankees jersey, you'd be sorely mistaken. The Cubs AND the Yankees? Why not just wear a shirt that says "I'm a big douche"? I bet he also roots for the Cowboys. And Duke Men's Basketball.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill got to brag that she's the only one of us who got to drive while in Manhattan. One of our friends who lives there met up with us and she drives a BMW. Since Jill was the only "sober" one, she got to drive us around one night. And yes, Jill now wants a BMW of her own.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's me reading a map in the middle of a crowded train station. How did I make it the entire week without someone stealing my wallet?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember that scene in Big Daddy? Now it IS your problem Buddy. I'm not sure how this didn't make it on my list of things to do while in New York, but thankfully it made Brian's list.
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And that's pretty much it. We did the touristy thing, we did the bar thing, we did the expensive restaurant thing, we did the cab thing, and we got to see Yankee Stadium. All in all, a complete success. And if I don't go back for another 5 or 6 years, that'll be fine by me.

When I was in college, I met Carrot Top. This was about 12 years ago, before he started working out like a freak. If there was a Carrot Top boom, it was right at the tail end of it.

My roommate, Tim (who actually preferred to be called Spoon. Do not ask me why. I have no idea.) had a brother that went to Western Michigan University. I guess Carrot Top had some cult following there or something, and Spoon's older brother (Ladle?) worked on the committee that brought Carrot Top to perform at the school. This got us free tickets to the show and allowed us back stage.

The show was everything you'd expect from Carrot Top. Just a bunch of prop gags for the most part. One thing that was particularly different than I'd seen from Carrot Top on TV was his use of sound effects and music clips throughout the show, all of which were coordinated with his "roadie" in the soundbooth and completely improvised.

After the show, Carrot Top, his roadie, the college entertainment committee (consisting of my roommate's brother and about 5 other peoole), my roommate and myself, went to a pub for dinner.

I should mention here, in case you didn't know, that Carrot Top's real name is Scott and he prefers that you call him that. Ironically, that didn't stop my roommate, Spoon, from calling him Carrot Top all night.

Through a lucky twist of fate, Spoon and I (the tagalongs) got seats close to Carrot Top at the table where we monopolized the conversation for most of the night. We were shooting the shit with Carrot Top. It was a little surreal. He was a nice enough guy.

During the conversation, we discussed the logistics of the show, and I mentioned how a lot of what his roadie did relied on precision timing and being able to pull up each sound clip in a split second. Roadie said something about learning to anticipate where a joke was going, to which Carrot Top said, "he's seen my show so many times that they're like a team" or something like that.

I said, "How long have you guys been together?"

Now, I certainly didn't mean to imply that they were ....TOGETHER.... I was just asking because they seemed to have good comedic chemistry. Their reactions were interesting, nonetheless.

"What? Together? Dude, We're not gay!"

Kinda defensive, aren't we, Scott?

I'm sure he's just working out because it's helps him carry around his trunk full of props.

I'm leaving for NY City here shortly. So in my absence*, Greg will be taking over the blogging duties around here until some time next week. And by "taking over the blogging duties", I mean "ignoring this place like the plague". He works in mysterious ways.

* That's one of those words that I constantly spell wrong. I think it should be "absense". Doesn't that make more sence? That's my two sents anyway.

But before I go, I'd like to share with you a list of some of the things I hope to do while in NY:

1. Go to Coney Island to eat a hot dog.
2. Steal the change from the cup of a homeless man.
3. Root for the Royals while at Yankee Stadium.
4. Find Mike Lupica and punch him in the throat.
5. Avoid the police after punching Mike Lupica in the throat.
6. Meet up with my pen pal at the top of the Empire State Building.
7. Swim in the east river (I have back problems).
8. Buy a pack of gum from Rupert G.
9. Befriend a homeless lady who feeds the birds in Central Park.
10. Take a lame touristy picture in front of a closed-down Studio 54.
11. Take a lame touristy and risque picture behind the bull on Wallstreet.
12. Check out the WTC progress.
13. Call my co-workers in the middle of the day to brag that I'm not at work.
14. Buy a fake Prada purse for Jill. I'm thinking a Proda or Pradda.
15. Buy an "I heart NY" t-shirt and get it signed by a celebrity.

I'm sure I won't have time for all of those, but some time next week I'll fill you in on what I did.

Until then..........

I don't need drinking games to have a good time, but it doesn't hurt. That's why I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get a head start on a really good one last night while watching the U.S. Mens gymnastic team*.

* Should it still be called "Mens" when none of them look older than 12?

Every time one of them stared into the camera and said "yeah baby" or "#1 baby, #1" or "that's what I'm talkin' 'bout", you take a drink. Tell me you wouldn't have been drunk midway through their 1st routine.

Yeah that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Baby. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. This is our house. This is our house. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

/Congrats on the bronze medal, but kill me.

- I like it when NBC gives us the back-story of an Olympic athlete right before they show their event. It’s like they’re saying "here’s who we’re rooting for and you should be too."

- Headline seen on the front of ESPN.com: Favre runs penalty lap. If you want hard-hitting sports journalism, make sure you tune into ESPN.com. Word is Brett also deuced an 8-incher after lunch. Pretty impressive. Thanks ESPN!

- I leave for a mini-vacation to NYC on Thursday. I’ve never been to Yankee Stadium, but I've got tickets for the Saturday day game. I’m not saying I’m excited, but right now I’m twisting my nipples like the cajun guy from The Waterboy.

- That last one was just to get the 8-inch deuce image out of your head. I figured you’d rather picture my twisted nipples over Brett’s B.M.’s. Or maybe not.

- Tom Brady is dating Gisele Bündchen, right? So with so many celebrity couples having their names combined by the media like Bennifer and Brangelina, why haven’t we heard "The Brady Bündchen" yet? Tell me that doesn’t make sense.

- If you’ve seen that already, I apologize. But if you haven’t and you see it in the future, just remember where you saw it first.

- On that note, remember that you can't always get what you want. But if you bitch and moan the loudest, hopefully someone will punch you in the face.

What the hell?!?!

No seriously. What the bloody hell?!?!

No, no, forget the hell. What the bloody [bleep]?!?!

Do me a favor and click that link, then read the first sentence, then tell me what the [bleep]. I'm begging you. I need answers to the following questions:

1. What the hell?
2. What the bloody hell?
3. What the bloody fuck?
4. Seriously, what the [bleep]?
5. How?
7. When?
8. Why do I keep changing from [bleep] to fuck?
9. What happened to 6?
10. Is this for real?

I don't know who this Hugh Atkin guy is who put this video together, but I like his style. His video is 7 shades of brilliance.

Did you stay up last night and watch Michael Phelps Jason Lezak? I didn't. I turned it off after the 3rd leg. I was flipping between the Olympics and the Cubs game all night and every time I'd come back to NBC, I kept thinking I'd missed the relay. Then Bob Costas would say "coming up, the mens 4x100 meter relay, where Michael Phelps will try for his 2nd gold medal." All night long it went like that. Finally after 10pm it started. I didn't know the backstory so much other than that cocky French dude saying his team would destroy the Americans. The Americans with Michael Phelps? Nonsense. How do you beat a team with Michael Phelps?

That's about as much as I know about swimming.

And then the race started. Holy crap, the Americans aren't the best team. They're barely even the 2nd best team. They do have a black guy though; that's pretty cool. But what was the hype all about? Michael Phelps went 1st and by the time he was done, his team was in like 3rd or 4th. What a jip. I stayed up for this?!?

And then the 2nd guy went and he was pretty good. The Americans still weren't winning though.

And then the 3rd black guy went and he was good too. But still not good enough. By the time he was finished, his team was down by a full body-length. And as we all know from having watched countless hours of swimming, a full body-length lead in a 100m race might as well be half a pool length. So that's when I turned off the TV.

What place did the U.S. finally come in? Was it 2nd? Oh well. I guess there's always London in 2012 for Michael Phelps to get his 8 gold medals.

New information: "Blows his nose loudly" guy doubles as "farts loudly" guy. And all indications are that he clips his fingernails into his garbage can. Yeah that's like 3 for 3 right there. Thankfully he's a good 10 feet away with a wall divider, but we're definitely not starting off on the right foot. I promise this conversation just happened:
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Me [yelling over the wall]: "Was that real?"
Him [yelling back]: "Hells yeah it was real. We keeps things real around here."
Me: "Feels free to keeps things fake."
Him: "I gots 'em ripe, Bra."
Me: "I think I may hate you."
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I am so working from home more often.

Guy A: "Good work today."
Guy B: "Hey thanks."
Guy A: "I was being sarcastic."

Also, I moved to a new desk this morning on a different part of my floor. Which means: new neighbors. I've already got a handle on who's who. I've got a "90% of my phone calls are of the personal nature" guy, a "complain about the Bears even though it was the first preseason game" guy who is seeming to double as the "Cubs need another starter" guy, the "blows his nose really loudly" guy, the loud laugher, and the smoker. Oh yeah I got some winners.

Silver lining - lot's of new material to come. Woo Hoo!

Do you remember that person who was on that singing competition on Fox that I kept providing updates about? You know who I'm talking about, right? The girl who was on that singing competition on Fox a couple seasons ago with Randy, Paula, and Simon.

Okay so get this [part 1]: the last time I provided an update, it got back to her. She must google herself or something (which is why I'm not mentioning her by name right now), so she ended up reading it and then she sent me a scathing email asking where I got all that information about her. Then she told me to stop posting about her on this blog. I responded to her with one word: "sorry?" Yeah, I even used a question mark. I know, I could have been more clever. But I wasn't entirely sure it was even her. I thought it was maybe one of you messing with me by creating a fake email address.

Okay so get this [part 2]: well it turns out it really was her. How do I know? Because since that first email I got from her, I've received maybe a half-dozen more keeping me up to date with what's going on in her life. Yeah, she added me to her distribution list. A distribution list that includes other former contestants from that show on Fox. So now every time she does something or goes somewhere or meets someone, I (and 15 or 20 other people) get an email telling me about it. You wouldn't believe some of the email addresses I have now. It's pretty funny [a few examples: the runner-up from season 1 (J.G.), the 10th place guy (C.S.) and 8th place girl (H.S.) from season 6, and a certain Oscar winner].

I haven't been told anything real juicy yet, but when I do, I'll be sure to post it here. Maybe. I don't want to get yelled at again.

From FJM:
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Is there anything more boring, in all of sports, than the Brett Favre saga?
Anything?
Some candidates:
1. Watching the second quarter of an NBA preseason game in slow motion.
2. Watching NASCAR qualifying through your neighbor's window, using the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.
3. A press conference where the Minnesota Wild announce the hiring of a new assistant trainer, and the mics don't work.
4. Reading Peter King's thoughts on Starbucks.
5. SportsCenter. (N.B. may not count as "sports.")
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Excellent

I need some ideas for how to dress at work tomorrow. We're having a party to celebrate anniversaries within the company (mine included), but the party has a theme: everyone must dress like the era of their teenage years. It shouldn't be hard for people of the 60's, 70's, or 80's, but I got the 90's. Short of shaving the Nike symbol into the back of my head, I'm not sure what to do. I'm French rolling my jeans, but I need more.

Ideas?

Over the weekend, I tuned in to a total of 5 minutes of White Sox games. They played 3 games over the course of 7 or 8 hours, and grand total I watched 5 minutes of it. And it was awesome. Remember, I'm a guy who has seen or listened to a portion of just about every White Sox game for the past 10 or 15 years. Over the weekend, I simply stopped watching. I couldn't take it anymore. It's not that I'm no longer a fan, but they're just not fun anymore. Every other day, they're in the news for something that isn't good. Whether it's Ozzie in a fake feud with an opposing pitcher who sucks or Kenny saying they get no respect in Chicago or Brian Anderson licking food off of Octavio Dotel's foot [real] or Joe Crede injuring his back or Ozzie in a fake feud with an opposing catcher who sucks or Kenny saying they get no respect in Chicago or Ozzie and Hawk in a fake feud with a newspaper columnist who sucks or the whole team complaining that they get no respect in Chicago; it's all so tiring. You know?

I realize that people who play sports for a living usually aren't the brightest people in the world. I don't expect them to be. They've never really had to be good at anything other than the sport that they play, so I get it. But some of the comments that come from the people associated with this team on what seems like a daily basis, I just shake my head and wonder. They just have a way of sucking the fun out of enjoying baseball. And the thing about them is that they're good. Well relative to what I expected them to be and relative to the division they play in. I really didn't have high hopes this year. I figured them for 80 to 85 wins, but 10 games or so behind the Indians or Tigers. Right now they're in 2nd place, 1/2 game behind the Twins. And yet they're still not fun, at least to me.

I never thought I'd say this, especially about a White Sox team that has a chance to make it to the playoffs this late into the season, but I couldn't care less what happens from here [hyperbole]. Win, lose, I really don't care [more]. And to be honest, I can't wait to enjoy the rest of my summer without them [true].

To be fair, talk to me in October if they're in the playoffs. And forget I mentioned all this.

Remember the simpler times when you'd take your date for a walk on the beach and then stand on the edge of a cliff and sing to her in the breeze while wearing a gay white jacket tucked into your gay white pants? I miss those days.

Follow-up note from Brian: the 3:14 through 3:16 mark of this video may be the gayest thing ever filmed that didn't involve a man's penis entering a man's butt or a running race between Rocky and Apollo. Enjoy.

h/t The Donald (Yes, The Donald sent me this)

This story sounds familiar:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family going on a European vacation forgot their 3-year-old daughter at the airport. The couple and their 5 children were late for a charter flight to Paris and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, one of their daughters got lost and was left behind. The parents didn't realize they were missing one of their kids until the plane had already taken off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd say these parents are now the frontrunners for the Parents of the Year Award, if an award like that exists and is given out ironically or sarcastically.

NOTE: That story sounds familiar to you because it's the plotline to Weekend at Bernie's Part 2.

Seeing as how it's Friday afternoon and I'm just about out of this beeyotch 'til Monday, I will leave you with just one thought before I head out: everything that Alanis sang about in her song were indeed perfect examples of irony. You no longer have to feel guilty for liking that song. Rainy wedding? Irony. Free ride after paying? Ironee. Good advice you ignored? I Runee. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Have a good weekend.

I feel better. Don't you?

Jill: "What time is it?"
Me: "10:30."
Jill: "At night?"
Me: "Yes."
Jill: "I thought it was morning."
Me: "No, you were asleep for 5 minutes."
Jill: "Oh."
Me: "Are you really awake right now?"
Jill: "Yes."
Me: "What's my middle name?"
Jill: "Brian."

Close.
Don't you just love NyQuil?