1 Happy St

"Oh man he a busta. He a skeeza. Man that guy a busta. He's a creepy skeeza."

/I'd so hate to be that guy right now.

If only this was 1993.

The next person that says the phrase "instant messenging" to me is getting their head amputated. It's instant MESSAGING, not MESSENGING!

When was the last time you rode the bus to work? I have a pretty graphic story here that will surely remind you to not fall asleep the next time you're on one. Just a warning, this is pretty horrific. Click HERE

via TBL

Ordered lemonade, got Sprite, not in the mood.

/Lame.

The Angels just traded for 1B Mark Teixeira of the Braves. Teixeira is one of the best 1st basemen in baseball, so adding him to a team that already had the best record in baseball seems kind of unfair. But that's not the reason for this post. No, the reason for this post is because of ESPN. Yeah, again. You see right now they have a goofy graphic on the right side of the link about the trade that says "Mark Teixeira's 2008 numbers are better than all of the Angels' first basemen combined." Then it lists all the stats where Teixeira has done better so far this year. But do you see the fault in including a graphic like that? See what they did was they used the word "combined" to imply that Mark Teixeira is better by himself than multiple people put together. Okay maybe, but all it really means is that Mark Teixeira plays every day and is good, while the current pupu platter of Angels 1st basemen do not necessarily play every day and are not as good. So let's see, there's Casey Kotchman, who is part of the trade and headed to Atlanta. Who else? Yeah, who the fuck knows? Rob Quinlan maybe?

My point - OF COURSE HE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF THE ANGELS' FIRST BASEMEN COMBINED. THAT'S WHY THE ANGELS MADE THE BLOODY TRADE!!!!!! If his stats were less than all of the Angels 1st basemen combined, they wouldn't have wanted him. Or needed him. Or TRADED FOR HIM!

This seems like nit-picking, but I hope you understand what's happening here. They included a completely pointless graphic. Stuff like this just irritates me.

Okay I'm done for the day. Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday.

- I don’t like email forwards. I usually stop reading them halfway through, if I open them at all. But I have to admit, the "FAIL" pictures make me laugh every time.

- You know those automated parking garages that give you a time-stamped ticket when you enter so that they can charge you based on how long you were parked there? Okay so what’s to stop someone from parking there all day, but then walking through the ticket line again right before they leave and helping themselves to a brand new ticket? Is this a loophole that only I have thought of? There must be something I’m missing. Maybe the ticket machine won’t work if there isn’t the weight of a car stopped there. Anybody want to test it?

- I was watching the White Sox/Tiger game over the weekend and WGN was doing that thing they do where they pan the crowd during a lull. I couldn’t help but notice that every female in the stands was good looking. And some were extraordinarily good looking. Is this a Detroit thing that I wasn’t aware of?

- I don’t mind Miracle Whip. Using it instead of real mayonnaise is okay by me. I didn’t know this said something about me as a person, but apparently it does, so there you go. If you would have asked me, Miracle Whip IS mayonnaise. Whatevah the f### evah.

- Oh and I know I mentioned this once before, but ketchup on hot dogs and brats tastes good. I am still not apologizing for it.

- Yesterday’s headline: "Stocks plunge on consumer news, oil prices". Today’s headline: "Stocks surge on consumer news, oil prices". Fuck this shit, I give up.

- Hey, have you noticed that since the housing market crapped the bed, we haven’t heard much about Iraq or Afghanistan or Israel/Palestine? When was the last time you read about a suicide bomber? Are they not happening anymore or is it just not being reported?

- On that note, remember that a penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny earned means you need a new job.

Actual conversation at Subway...

Me: I'd like a 12-inch BMT on white.
Sandwich Artist: 12-inch? You mean a footlong?
Me: Yes, there are 12 inches in a foot.

I suppose that was kind of rude of me, but I felt safe because they make the sandwich right there in front of me. I wouldn't do that at a drive-thru. No point getting into a mathematical semantic argument with the guy on the McDonald's intercom over a "one-fourth pounder", because you can be sure that you will get a Quarter Pounder with extra loogie.

And just because its already in your head....
Five.
Five dollar.
Five dollar footlong.

Here is NFL scout Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' passing game this year. Just as a reminder, the Bears are going with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman as choices 1 and 1A again this year. I'd make a joke there, but I don't think I'm funny enough.

There is an old saying about NFL personnel competitions: If you think you have two starters, you probably don't have one. Both Grossman and Orton have been benched during their careers with the Bears -- Grossman as recently as 2007. He threw 27 interceptions in his past 24 games, and his gunslinger mentality hurt the Bears as much as it helped them. Grossman followed several strong-armed throws with interceptions thrown into double coverage, while Orton appeared crisp on one play, but would launch a wobbly duck toward the sideline on the next.

Never fear though. After all, the Bears offense is one that "gets off the bus running", whatever that means. So if they're a running football team, surely their RB's should be good. Let's see what Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' three running backs is this year (Matt Forte, the bad Adrian Peterson, and Kevin Jones).

Forte has a gliding style that makes him hard to tackle, even though at 6-foot-2 he appears to run dangerously upright. Veteran Adrian Peterson opened training camp working with the first team, but it seems only a matter of time before Forte takes over that role. Veteran Kevin Jones, signed earlier this month, is on the physically unable to perform list (knee) and might not be ready to play when the regular season begins.

I must admit, they've got me pumped.

One of the acronyms I come across almost daily in my job is FOC (Firm Order Confirmation). Every once in a while, someone will use it in a sentence in a way that can't help but make me giggle. You know, 'cause I'm 12.

-I am still looking for a FOC from Brian.
-I have not received a FOC from Brian.
-Once I get a FOC from Brian, I will let you know.
-It's been two weeks since I requested a FOC from Brian, but I have yet to receive it.
-What the FOC, Brian?
-FOC this shit.

Some people are less subtle than others.

One pair of frosted Lee jeans: $4 (adjusted for 80's prices)
Pair of black socks: $8
Proving that Friday jean day in the office isn't always a good thing: Priceless

NOTE: Sorry for the lame MasterCard play.

From this article:
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A man took offense to a motorist, who, after getting him to roll down his window, asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" After hearing the request for Dijon mustard, the 22-year-old driver pulled a black handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car.

"Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your [expletive] windows up," he responded.

The confrontation happened June 18 at the intersection of 900 East and Winchester Street (6500 South) in Murray, court documents state. One of the three people in the car wrote down the sport utility vehicle's license plate number. Murray police later located the man, who admitted he pulled out the gun, racked the slide and threaten the other car. He was charged Tuesday with aggravated assault, a third-degree felony.
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Arrested Man: "Your Honor, they were referencing a bit of pop culture from nearly 20 years ago. They deserved to have a gun pulled on them, if not be shot at."

Judge: "Excellent point. Case dismissed."

- I think the “it’s on Wikipedia so it must be true” joke has officially replaced the “why don’t they just make the entire plane out of that stuff” joke as the most played out and unfunny. Any time we want to stop using it is okay by me.

- Would it be funny if my email address was something like HotMaledotcom@hotmail.com? It would be wicked confusing to give to people in person, but it would also perfectly describe me. No I got it; what if I spelled the underscore? Like instead of big_pimpin@gmail.com, I could go with BigUnderscorePimpin@gmail.com. Yeah, gold. I’m switching. Wait wait wait. How about BigUnderscorePimpinButSpellTheUnderscore@gmail.com? Oh hell yeah. No, better: BigUnderscorePimpinButSpellTheUnderscoreInsteadOfUsingTheSymbol@gmail.com. It’s on. That’s my new address. Update your contacts list please.

- I have the five-dollar footlong Subway jingle stuck in my head. I keep repeating it over and over. "Five-dollar foot lonnnnnnnngg". It’s driving me insane.

- I’m nervous to log in to my Fidelity Account. If I don’t open it, there’s a chance that my 401k is still worth what it was when I last opened it, right?

- I really want to like that show "My Boys". Jim Gaffigan is funny, the girl who plays PJ is hot (I guess), the show is based in Chicago; I should have no complaints. But it’s just awful. I still watch it every week hoping to laugh or hoping to like it, but the way they talk makes it impossible. Does anybody talk like that? They’re supposed to be a bunch of 20 and 30-something guys hanging out in bars in Chicago. THAT’S ME!!!! And yet I have never found myself having any of the conversations these guys have. Do you watch this show? Help me out. Do you like it? It’s horribly frustrating.

- Five-dollar foot lonnnnnnnnngg.

- On that note, remember that it's a good thing that it's who ya know instead of what ya know because you're a dumbass. Then again, all the people who know you secretly call you annoying behind your back.

If I...wanna take a guy...home with me tonight...
It's none of your business

And she...wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend...
It's none of your business

Now you...shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to...
It's none of your business

So don't...try to change my mind...I'll tell you one more time...
It's none of your business
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Truer words were never spoken.

I just wanted to thank you for being a true friend. You traveled down the road, but you always seemed to come back again. Your heart was true and you were a terrific pal and confidant. Hey remember when you threw that party and invited everyone? Who gave you the biggest gift? Yeah it was me; I'm materialistic like that. But do you remember what the card said? It said "Thank you for bein' a friend. Do do do do do dooooooooo."

Yeah I don't know what the do do's were for either, but I was drunk.

Well anyway, RIP Estelle. You'll be missed.

A quick dialogue between me and the Intercom Guy (IG) at the local hot dog joint:

Me: I'll take two hot dogs, a medium fry, and a medium Coke.
IG: How many hot dogs?
Me: Two.
IG: What size fry?
Me: Medium.
IG: What kind of drink was that?
Me: Coke
IG: You said medium?
Me: Yes.

He gave me a root beer.

Jill and I took a mini-vacation to Wisconsin over the weekend. The weather was perfect all three days, which was nice because we found out later that it rained back home the whole time we were gone (HA ha). We did some boating, some eating, some drinking, some boating, and some eating. Oh and drinking. In that order. We visited with Jill's grandpa at his (near)-lake house, which is always a good time. Some of the highlights:

We went to a restaurant/bar and the service was beyond the worst I have ever seen. They had one poor girl waiting every table and she couldn't have been older than 15. And she was shy. Have you ever met a shy waitress? Yeah it's not good. The people at the table next to us had been waiting on their pizza for 2 hours (not an exaggeration) when one of them said to her "is our pizza gonna be much longer?" and she responded with "I'm not sure". It was perfect. No "let me check" or "it'll be 5 minutes". No, she said "I'm not sure" and then walked away. Well then. It was so bad that everyone was walking up to the bar themselves to get refills on their drinks. I think they need a better system. We tipped the girl $10 just for comedy's sake, and I figured it would make a good ending to the story on this blog. In hindsight, I wasted 10 bucks.

I love watching local news broadcasts in small towns. They have nothing to report. I'm used to the top 10 stories on my news being about murders and assaults and political corruption: you know, the good stuff. Not here though. The top story for small towns is always the weather. It was 80 and sunny the whole weekend, so how is that news? I could see if we were setting heat records or if there was 20 inches of snow or something; that'd be worth reporting. But who the fuck cares about the weather when it's 80 and sunny? Small towns kill me.

One of the neighbors was removing a tree from their yard that had been damaged by a wind storm.

That last one wouldn't have been a highlight if the police hadn't shown up. It's probably still not a highlight, except for the fact they showed up for no reason. I swear you really have to love small towns. The police only showed up because there was nothing else going on. So the officer just stood in the yard and watched as the tree was removed. "Hey Carl, you gonna head on down to the Johnson house this afternoon? I hear they're removing that tree that was damaged last week." - "I'm on it, Sheriff." And yes, all police officers in hypothetical dialogues about police officers are named Carl.

I'm not used to people being nice. Jill's grandpa bought some telephones from Radio Shack a couple weeks ago, but he wasn't happy with them. He wanted to return them and he had the receipt, but he didn't have the boxes that they came in. So Jill and I put them in a bag and drove over to try and bring them back. We were so ready to put up a fight with the Radio Shack people. We figured they'd tell us that without the boxes, there'd be nothing they could do. But we went in there and the guy took them back with no problem at all. He even apologized on behalf of the phones for not working properly. It was odd. As we were walking out of there, I said to Jill, "what was that? Was that customer service?" It's weird seeing things for the first time.

One morning we went out to breakfast and I got two eggs over easy, hash browns, bacon, and a cup of coffee for only $3.50. And it was eggs-cellent (puns worthy of a Full House episode). Gas was only $3.98/gallon. And beers at the bars only cost $2. I love Wisconsin.

I could never live there though. Not because I don't want to, but I'd probably be kicked out for not being able to grow a cheesy mustache. And by "cheesy", I don't mean lame. I mean actual cheese. Every guy who lives in Wisconsin looks like a walrus. Goo goo g'joob. It's a wonderful place to visit though. I can't wait to go back.

Do you have a niece who's 10? No? Maybe a girl who lives in the neighborhood? Come on, you have to know of at least one girl who's about 10 years old. Okay, make it 11. Or even 12. Born in the late 90's.

So do you have a girl in mind?

Okay, now picture it if the parents of this girl forced her to marry and move in with some creepy guy who is in his 30's. Also picture it that after moving in with him, this creepy guy puts her through daily rapes and beatings. Also picture it that when she finally speaks out about this craziness, people in her town condemn her for it.

Then thank God that you don't live in Yemen.

F#ckin' Yemen.

Marc: Hey Brian, do you know Dan's last name?
Me: Which Dan?
Marc: Dan Martin.
Me: Wait, what?
Marc: Never mind, I guess I know it.
[short pause]
Marc: Oh great, this is gonna end up on your blog, isn't it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would never.

I just received an unsolicited phone call on my work phone from someone wanting to talk to me about my retirement. This was especially odd because I rarely, if ever, get any phone calls on my work phone that isn't related to my job in some way or a relative. She immediately went into her spiel.
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Holly: Uh hi Brian. I'm Holly from [can't remember her company name]. I'm just calling to confirm that you received the retirement package we sent you in the mail.

Brian: Not that I know of. Who are you?

Holly: Oh. We talked on the phone last week and I sent you a retirement package. You didn't get it?

Brian: No. I don't remember your phone call.

Holly: Oh. Okay well no problem. You authorized for us to send you a package in the mail that outlines retirement options.

Brian: Okay.

Holly: May I ask what kind of timeframe you're thinking about for your retirement?

Brian: I'm not sure what you mean.

Holly: How long before you plan on retiring?

Brian: 30 years?

Holly: Oh my goodness. Good for you.

[pause]

Holly: Wait, is this Brian Sharp?

Brian: Yes.

Holly: And you're 58?

Brian: No.

Holly: Oh. Well I'm so sorry to bother you Mr. Sharp.

Brian: Hey think nothing of it.
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I have no idea what that was about. Any ideas?

Josh Hamilton hit 28 HR's in the first round of the HR Derby today. Whatever. Lame (actually it was pretty cool). But on the front of ESPN.com right now, the headline says "Oh My Josh". I guess that's a play on "Oh My Gosh".

Are they serious? That's the best they could do?

Oh my Josh that is freakin' jay.

Two weeks ago, I gave you this. It went over pretty well and inspired this later that day. Both of those posts inspired emails to me from thousands of strangers (okay 4) telling me that they too know of a person just like The Legend. The overwhelming (er, underwhelming) response made me wish that I could remember the rest of his stories. I knew that there were more of them that I had failed to save. Thankfully, with the help of co-workers and friends who knew him best, I was able to come up with 6 more. Again, my comments in italics. Enjoy.
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"I was up over $10,000 my first day [in Vegas], but I lost it all on one double or nothing hand of blackjack." – Again, he was not rich. At least not for real. So betting $10,000 on one hand, regardless of whether or not it was house money, never would have happened. Also, I’m told he was confused when asked about the tax implications of being up $10,000 in the first place.

"You don’t need a dumpster. Just give some side-money to your garbage man. I had a garage full of garbage once, so I bribed my garbage man with $50 and he took everything out of there for me." – told to a co-worker who was pricing the cost of renting a dumpster after remodeling his kitchen. You have to admit, this makes sense. I’m so trying it if I ever need one.

"I saw [our boss's boss at the time] at the grocery store. He slapped me on the ass and said 'how ya doin [Legend]?' I just grabbed my food and kept walking."

"I've bowled a 300 game. Weird part is I've never broken 250 since." A Legend staple. The key to a good lie is in the details. Start by over-selling it, then reel us back in with the under-sell. I guess that's why he's The Legend and you're not.

"I got kicked out of the Police Academy."

"I got an Xbox. My uncle has a friend who reviews video games and he got one for us." – spoken by The Legend about a month prior to Microsoft’s release of their Xbox gaming system.
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And with that, The Legend ends. Thanks for reading.

I work with a guy who is dating a girl who thought that the city of Miami is located in Hawaii. No joke, he showed me the text message she sent him that said "I thought Miami was in Hawaii".

Now let's set aside the fact of how ridiculous this is. She's presumably a grown woman who lives in the United States* who doesn't know where Miami is. But if you were this dumb, would you admit it over text? Or would you think to yourself, "you know what, Miami is a pretty famous city. I hear it referenced all the time. I could have sworn it was in Hawaii, but this guy is saying it's not. Now if it just so happens that he's right and Miami isn't located in Hawaii, admitting that I thought it was would kind of make me sound like a moron. Maybe I should google that son-bitch before sending this text out"? No, she wasn't having that. She was just going to put it out there that she was indeed a moron, consequences be damned.

* Then again, I wouldn't put it past this particular co-worker of mine to be dating someone who is neither a grown woman nor a legal resident.

So I ask this co-worker, "how can you date someone who's that dumb?" He says, "are you serious? I'm dating her BECAUSE she's that dumb."

I'm so glad I'm married.

I have some Snoop Dogg jokes for you (for real? I mean fo shizz?). These probably would have been funnier years ago (doubtful) when they would have been topical. But they were told to me last night and I still laughed (groaned). So enjoy (or don't). What's with all these parenthesis? (I'll stop)

How does Snoop Dogg keep his laundry clean?
With blee-otch.

Funny, right? Oh, it wasn't? Okay well let me try one more.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry around an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.

Come on. Don't even try to tell me you didn't laugh at that.

On Saturday night (Sunday morning actually), I did the LATE ride through Chicago. LATE is an acronym, but I can't remember what it stands for, so we'll just take it at face value; it was pretty late; 1AM to be exact. Is there a rule against using consecutive semi-colon's?

The LATE ride is a charity bicycle ride through the streets of Chicago. It starts at Grant Park downtown, heads south a couple miles, then west a mile or so, then northwest all the way to Wisconsin (kidding, but it seemed like it while I was doing it), then east towards the lake, and finally back south along LSD. It's basically a 25-mile oval. The atmosphere for this thing is awesome; unlike anything I've ever done (except for the last time I did the LATE ride). Over 10,000 people line up on their bicycles in the middle of the night and ride through various streets of Chicago, each of which have been blocked off by police while angry club-goers and partiers honk their horns and wonder why traffic has stopped.

There's really only 2 types of people who are out on the streets of Chicago between 1am and 5am on a Sunday morning; people who are partying and cab drivers. But on this night, the partiers and cab drivers were joined by a huge group of people who were exercising for charity. It made for an interesting dynamic. Dialogue like this happened in the middle of the street:

Party people: "What the fuck is going on?!?!?!"
Cab driver: "Yes, what the fuck is this?!?!"
Bike Rider: "Get back in your car asshole. And be patient, there's 10,000 of us."

So the ride went on for 25 miles and it pretty much lasted all night. My group finished in 3.5 hours, so we were back at Grant Park in time to watch the sun rise. But the lasting memory I think I'm going to have is how bad my butt hurt afterwards (insert joke here). No seriously, insert the joke here. Fine:

My butt hasn't hurt this bad since college. You know, because of all the anal raping.

Okay so my punchline needs work. And the setup. But you get the idea. I have one recommendation if you ever plan on riding your bike for more than a mile or two: make sure you have a seat that's padded. I would have been just as well off if there was no seat at all.

Guy 1: "Sweet, 4:30 already."
Guy 2: "Is it really? Damn it, I wish it was only 3:30. I didn't get my shit done."
Guy 1: "You could always stay late."
Guy 2: "Ha ha, yeah right. What am I, Japanese?"

Indeed. Enjoy your weekend.

Whenever some new gadget comes out (hey, did you hear about this thing called the iPhone? Apparently it's been out for like a year, but today they're releasing a newer model. It's all the rage I guess), I always make fun of the people who stand in line early in the morning to purchase it. My thought is "why not just wait until later in the day or even tomorrow? What's with this obsession to be first with everything?" So after I come across one of these new gadgets in person, the owner will say something to me like "dude, you should totally get one, it's awesome" and I'll respond with something like "first of all, stop calling me dude. And second of all, why would I buy it now when six months from now it'll be half the price?"

So then six months will go by and sure enough, this new gadget will be half the price and that same guy from the example above will remember about our conversation from six months prior and he'll be all "Dude, it's half the price now. You gonna get one?" and I'll be all "First of all, what did I tell you about calling me that. And second of all, why would I buy it now when six months from now, they'll be releasing a newer model that's even better?"

And around and around we go. Which begs the question, how can I ever own any gadgets?

I have an Alexei Ramirez update for you. Alexei Ramirez is the White Sox 2nd baseman who I blogged about on Monday using the blog title "The Cuban Swing-and-a-miss-le". I thought that title was brilliant. His nickname is The Cuban Missile and I titled the blog The Cuban Swing-and-a-miss-le. Yeah I'm clever. But first I have to ask, have you ever woke up and realized right off the bat that your day was going to end up shitty? Maybe you stubbed your toe when you got out of bed. Maybe you forgot to lift the lid before your 1st pee. Maybe your raisin bran was short on raisins. Whatever it was, you just knew that you'd probably be better off just going back to bed because there was no way you were gonna have a day like Ice Cube. That must suck. I've never had one of those. Today's been pretty good. Well I'd say average. My back is a little sore for no reason whatsoever, but that happens almost every day. Totally ordinary actually. Before I got in my car this morning, I was thinking in my head that I was out of gas and I'd have to fill up on my way to work, but it turns out that I had plenty of gas to get me through the day. I'm not sure why I thought I was out. Did I dream it? Am I at the point where I'm dreaming that I'm out of gas? That'd be a shame. I just read a headline that said oil prices are at $147 per barrel right now. Can anybody put that into perspective? Like are there actual barrels of oil sitting in a warehouse somewhere that go for $147 each? And how big are these barrels? Is it like something I'd see in a candy store? Or is it like something that a cartoon character would wear if they were naked? When I think barrels, I think naked cartoon characters. Hey speaking of naked cartoon characters, yesterday...or maybe it was two nights ago. Jeez these days seem to run together, don't they? Can you even differentiate between a Wednesday night and a Thursday night anymore? As soon as the summer starts, all the TV shows that I watch are over so I only end up watching the White Sox, and they play every day so it's really hard to remember which day is which. They lost last night and they won the night before. But they were playing the Royals both nights. So which night was it that would remind me of a naked cartoon character? You know I don't even remember anymore. I'm sure the story would be either awesome or horrible. Or pretty average. Oh I remember what I wanted to tell you. It has nothing to do with naked cartoon characters though. Why was I thinking about that? I hope this isn't an early warning sign of Alzheimer's. Quick aside - when I was a kid, I thought Alzheimer's was called "Old Timer's". That's not so bad, is it? Only old people were getting it, so wouldn't it stand to reason that it could be called Old Timers Disease? What the bleep is an Alzheimer? It's probably a person, and I'm sure he or she wasn't too pleased that they named a disease after them. Not that they'd remember anyway. Okay, so back to what I wanted to mention. Earlier this week, I told you about the Cuban guy on the White Sox Alexei Ramirez and how he swings at every pitch. I hope you didn't start watching him for the first time after you read that blog because today you'd be calling me a liar. All week, he's been taking pitches like its his job. He hasn't walked or anything (that'd be crazy), but he has been laying off pitches way off the plate and he's been working the count. Last night (or maybe it was two nights ago), he even got the count to 3-2. I guess what I'm saying is that there may be hope for him yet.

Go White Sox.

This is a commercial for a Chevy dealer in Wisconsin. It must be all the raw footage because it's over 2 minutes long. But the fact that so many people were involved in the production of this thing makes me all giddy. It gets good at about the 1:07 mark. And by "good", I mean wickedly embarrassing (this poor girl). And by "wickedly embarrassing", I mean horribly fucking wickedly embarrassing while running out of adverbs and adjectives with a capital holy fuck retarded.

Watching this is kind of like watching a wedding reception with only white people. No, it's like a watching a wedding reception with only white people who are in their 30's and 40's and are all married and think they're still cool from back in their H.S. days but it turns out they're not anymore, if they ever were to begin with. No, it's like watching a wedding reception with only white people who are in their 30's and 40's and are all married and think they're still cool from back in their H.S. days but it turns out they're not anymore, if they ever were to begin with, but unfortunately, just days before the wedding, they all unknowingly participated in some kind of scientific experiment where they were subjected to dangerous levels of nerve gas. Yeah, it's like that.

Crazy white people and their nerve gas.

h/t EM

This comes courtesy of my sister. I'm sure it's old, but it's a first for me. So in it goes:

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' "No," the farmer said. The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' "No." The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck.

I like it, but I think we were cheated out of the 3rd daughter's name.

I was just on a conference call with a guy named Sharif Mohammad and a guy named Mohammad Sharif. They had never spoken with one another before or heard of the other. This made everyone smile. Well for about 5 seconds or so. It's the little things.

There's a gas station by my house where the main digital sign was showing $4.10 per gallon for unleaded gas. So I pulled in, but when I got to the pump, the price was showing $4.30 per gallon.

Wait, was this one of those credit card scams where they were charging me more for paying with a credit card rather than cash?

No, I hadn't used my credit card yet. So what was the dilly?

I looked at the main digital sign a little closer and right next to the $4.10 was a note in small letters that said "with the purchase of a 12" Cousins sub".

Son of a bitch. And nowhere on that sign did it say anything about gas being $4.30 without the sandwich. Foolin' bastages.

[NOTE: Jane will pay you $5 if you correctly guess the quote in the title]

I was just in a very surreal meeting here at work.

In the short 20 minutes we were in the office, the guy that called the meeting used the phrase "going back to the original question" no fewer than 6 times while never once actually going to the same "original" question. He also referred to web hyperlinks as "the blue underlined things". Then the guy appeared to be amazed upon hearing that outdated web pages can be changed without redesigning the entire website? Don't ask me to elaborate, he lost me on that one.

Also, he called me Doug twice.

My name is not Doug.

Joe Crede: .261, 15 HR, 47 BI, 17 errors
Jason Varitek: .218, 7 HR, 27 RBI

These two guys were the two obvious head-scratchers when the American League All-Star team was announced yesterday. While both guys have certainly been worthy in previous seasons, each of them is having an off year this year.

Joe Crede started the season strong offensively, but has seen his defense decline rapidly, already committing a career high 17 errors at third base.

Jason Varitek, hitting a meager .218, should be nowhere near Yankee Stadium next Tuesday. Both Varitek and Crede were voted onto the team by the players.

Besides wasting two roster spots that should be used for more worthy players, what else do these players have in common?

• Both of them are free agents after this season.
• Both of them are clients of super-agent Scott Boras.

Is Scott Boras gaming the system by having his clients cast All-Star votes for Crede and Varitek to help them secure more lucrative deals in the upcoming off-season?

(h/t Daryl)

I've been watching a lot of White Sox games this year. It's nothing new; I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. This year they have a new guy Alexei Ramirez. He's Cuban and he's pretty good. I guess. But one thing I've noticed about him that I'm sure will eventually creep up as a weakness for him is that he swings at every pitch. I'm not exaggerating [yes I am]. Every pitch, regardless of where it's thrown, he's up there swinging. I've seen him have at bats where he saw 8 or 9 pitches and swung at all of them. Curve ball low and away? He's swinging. Fastball way up. Swinging. Curve ball behind his head? Swing. So yesterday while I was watching the game, Jill came in the room right as Alexei was about to hit. I said to her "watch this, even if the pitch is way out of the strike zone, this guy will swing at it". She said "I really don't care". Then I said "no watch, regardless of where it's pitched, he'll swing". So she watched and the pitch ended up being a crazy breaking ball way low and way away. Alexei swung and missed and Jill said "he does that every time?" and I said "yes" and she said "so why would the pitcher ever throw him a strike?" and I said "exactly". I'm not sure what my point is except to say that Jill couldn't care less about baseball strategy, and yet Alexei's hitting coach is a millionaire and so are the pitchers he faces every day.

Just sayin'.

I'm so glad that Disney is finally coming out with a movie that I want to see.

Also, every Disney executive should be shot.

Also, I'm serious.

Shot dead.

Murdered.

Too far?

No.

Bloody assassinated.

I can't wait for this movie.

Drink Sprite.

Guy 1: "You get to choose from 3 options: Critical, Major, and Minor."
Guy 2: "What's the 3rd one?"

July 4th can't get here soon enough.

No offense, but that idea is fucking retarded.

None taken.

Have you heard the Michigan.org commercials on the radio? They really sell that state. Who doesn't want to hang out with 3,200 miles of fresh water shoreline? Every time I hear that commercial (which is every 4 minutes or so), I want to steer my car towards I-94 East and head to one of their 11,000 inland lakes and streams. But Jill and I had a debate on who the voiceover in the commercial is. She said it's Tim Allen, I said it's the dad from Home Alone.

Now I'll admit, my argument wasn't exactly fool-proof. Mr. McCallister has no ties to Michigan whatsoever. At least none that I know of. And we all know about Tim Allen's ties. He's from Detroit, he based Home Improvement on one of the suburbs. Hell, he even wore a Grand Valley State sweatshirt in one of the episodes. I know it, Grand Valley! So even as I was saying it's the Home Alone guy, I knew there was a good chance Jill was right. Turns out she was. I looked it up. It's Tim Allen.

I hate admitting defeat.

Last month I put up a story about Adam Bender. He's an 8-year-old who lost one of his legs, but still manages to play baseball. Today I read this:
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Ever since he read a story last month about Adam Bender, an 8-year-old Little League catcher who lost a leg to cancer when he was 1, Nick Swisher has kept the story posted in his locker. On Tuesday, Swisher got to meet Adam and his family, who traveled from Lexington, Ky., as Swisher's guests to spend a day with the team. Swisher threw the ceremonial first pitch to Adam behind the plate.

''I don't know if I'll be able to throw a strike to him, I'm so nervous,'' Swisher joked beforehand as he showed the youngster around the clubhouse and dugout.

''You're such an inspiration to a lot of people, regardless of age, and I hope you know that,'' Swisher told the boy, who came as part of the player's ''Swish's Wishes'' program. ''I can't think of a better way to celebrate the first anniversary of 'Swish's Wishes' than to spend it with Adam Bender and his family.''
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Well played Swisher. Well played.

I have a policy of never speaking in ancient languages, like Greek or Aramaic or Latin, et cetera.

I don't think I'm a racist, but I really don't understand the Blue Man Group.

I took an online quiz to see if I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I took it 6 times to be sure it was accurate.

Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Vanilla Ice are all washed up. I think we can blame global warming.

That reminds me of the time I saw Tone Loc at Disney World. I yelled, "Hey, it's Ice-T! Oh no. It's just Tone Loc." Yes, I said "just Tone Loc". And yes, he heard me. And yes, I'm white.