1 Happy St

- I haven’t used a Band-Aid in years, but I can’t bring myself to throw away the 200 or so of them that I have monopolizing my medicine cabinet.

- I used to think that Reggie Jackson and Jesse Jackson were brothers. If you think about it, they kind of look similar.

- About 3 years ago, I remember being excited when my job gave me a stack of personalized business cards. But as of today, I think I’ve handed out maybe 4 or 5 of them total.

- That random about the Band-Aids was completely pointless.

- So was the random about the business cards. Maybe I should have waited until I thought of something better before I posted this crap.

- Where is Greg? He usually bails me out when this happens.

- When Prince Philip married Queen Elizabeth II, why didn’t he become King? The British Royal hierarchy confuses me. Each of them has like 300 titles. I wonder if Philip even knows what he is.

- It’s always disappointing whenever I open my personal email account and see "you have 0 unread messages" staring back at me. I suppose it beats having to open unfunny forwards though.

- I’m glad the White Sox didn’t trade for Yankees pitcher Scott Proctor. I can’t see or hear his name without screaming "PROCTOR…..where is PROCTOR?!?!?!" in my head. And don’t worry if you don’t know why. I wish I didn’t either. But if you do know why, perhaps you’ll appreciate this as well. Yumma yumma yumma yumma YAAAA-ma.

- I apologize for these. Let’s call these my version of Deleted Randoms. They’ll be on the DVD, but only in the Extras section. Until next time………

I answer a knock on my front door. There's a salesperson standing on my front porch.

"Hi, are your parents home?" she asks.

"Probably," I answer back.

"Can I talk to them?"

"If you want to," I say. "But that would be quite the trick from here."

"Oh my goodness," she says. "I'm so sorry. Are you the homeowner?"

"Yes I am," I say. "Why, what are you selling? Oh and please hurry up, my favorite cartoon is about to start."

"That's funny," she says. "Again, I'm sorry about that. Well I'm here representing Comcast and I was just checking to make sure you're satisfied with your current phone provider. Is ATT your current provider?"

"Yes they are," I say. "And I am certainly satisified. They do a fantastic job."

"Well did you know that Comcast offers local service in your area as well?" she asks. "I'm sure I can get you a great deal on service if you'd be willing to change providers today. Is that something you'd be interested in?"

"Oh definitely," I say. "Can you beat $1.80 per month for every service known to man?"

"One dollar?" she asks with a confused look on her face. "I don't know about that."

"Then I'm not interested," I say. "Thanks anyway though. And give my best to Comcast for me. That's a cute little operation they got over there."

So the other day, Jill got herself invited to a Tastefully Simple Party. If you're not familiar with what that is, it's basically where a woman will have a bunch of her girlfriends come to her house and try to get them to buy a bunch of crap they don't want. It's a Tupperware party where they peddle food instead of Tupperware.

What I can't bring myself to understand is why you women continue to do this to yourselves. Every time you come back from one of these "parties", I hear about how much it sucked, how expensive everything was, how the host was a "B", and how nobody wanted to buy anything so you felt guilty and bought a bunch of #### you didn't want. But then a month later, you're sending out invitations as a host for one of these scams yourself. Seriously, what am I missing here? Why do you continue to put yor friends through this nonsense? You'd never see a guy hand an invitation to another guy and say "hey, I'm having a cigar party. We'll get to try out some cigars and if you like them, there will be a catalog so you can buy some."

Hmm, on second thought.......

See if you can find the mistake in the following quote about Lindsay Lohan:

"[This] behavior won't cut it anymore and neither will spa-style clinics," said Barry Gerald Sands, a Century City defense attorney who's also a certified drug and alcohol counselor. "Whatever [Lindsay has] done in the past, do a 360-degree turn and go the other way."

Then again, maybe that quote doesn't have a mistake at all, and Barry is rooting for more craziness. I can respect that.

So who else is sick of sports right now? Every one of them has some kind of controversy going on. MLB and the Tour-de-France has steroids, the NFL has dog fighting and DUI's and strip-club shootings, and now the NBA has allegations of gambling. Please tell me I don't have to start following soccer.

No, that can't happen. I need my real sports back. So hear me out as I share with you my radical idea on how to fix all this. Everyone involved in these sports should embrace their lack of morals and make everything legal. You want to gamble on the score and shave points? Do it. It will add an element to the game that's unpredictable to the fans. You want to bulk up on 'roids and hit 100 HR's? Go for it. Everyone likes HR's. You want to go to a strip club and shoot a bunch of strippers? Hey, who am I to say that's wrong? Light their hair on fire for all I care. But if it's legal, we can all stop reading about it and just go back to watching the games. No more "Outside the Lines" specials. No more "HBO Real Sports" controversies. I want to see ridiculous calls by referrees, crazy 600 foot home runs, and dead strippers. Call me crazy? No, call me American.

This is a masterpiece of a rant by Senator Robert Byrd (D-West Virginia). He's angry about the allegations facing Michael Vick calling the actions simply barbaric. Barbaric. BARBARIC! Before feeling bad for him, keep in mind that his job requires a majority vote.

Here are a couple quick highlights of Joe Morgan's chat from today (and by a couple, I mean 2. You'll understand why this clarification is important in just a bit):
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
William ( MA): In your opinion, who is the best hitter in baseball? Ichiro? Pujols? A-Rod? Jeter? And defend your position.

Brian: William, why would you even ask Joe a question like this? He's notorious for avoiding questions that require an educated opinion. I'd be shocked if he actually answers this. Completely shocked. My guess is he'll tap-dance around it by saying that it's difficult to name the best hitter because it's hard to define what makes a hitter good, or some nonsense like that.

Joe Morgan: Well hitting is hard to define.

Brian: See William? You really should run the question past me first before asking it. I can save us all a lot of time.

Joe Morgan: You have to look at what you consider a good hitter: power, average, or a combo...Last year you probably would have said Pujols. But right now you have to include A-rod because he is the most productive hitter in the game, but that does not mean he is the best hitter. But that is a very hard question to answer, because first you have to define what you think a good hitter is.

Brian: Fair enough, let's keep this chat going. Ben from New York, do you have anything to ask our resident genius?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ben (new york): Joe- who are your playoff teams

Joe Morgan: I can only name a couple.

Brian: Why? There will be 8 playoff teams again this year (just like there are every year). Why can you only name a couple?

Joe Morgan: I say Boston, Dodgers, Mets, and I would say the Yankees or Cleveland. But the Angels always make a good run. Those are the teams for now.

Brian: Oh I get it. When you said a couple, you meant 6. Thanks Joe. I'm sorry to have questioned you. You're still allowed 2 more guesses though. Cubs maybe? Brewers? Those pesky 1st place Tigers who represented the American League in the World Series last year and who currently have the best record in all of baseball? Eh. Details. Fine job as usual today though.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now comes word that lowering your cholesterol levels too much can increase your cancer risk.

Phew, it's a good thing I haven't gone and done that.

You know what I say? Eat what you want; you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Tonight I plan on eating a fantastically big chocolate cake all by myself. And you know why? Because there's an outside chance that one of these days, maybe a couple years down the road from now, there will be a study released that says eating ridulous amounts of chocolate cake is good for you. And then I'll sit back and be thankful that on July 24th, 2007, I stuffed my face with it.

Hopefully the scientists are already crackin' on that "Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzards with Chocolate Ice Cream are good for your heart" study.

I can see where this is going. It's not good.

It seems our girl Lindsay Lohan has been arrested for DUI again. Early this morning at about 2am, she was pulled over for chasing another car (yeah, I'm confused too), refused to blow, and was then given a field sobriety test which she failed. Police arrested her, then she blew a .12 on her Breathalyzer once she arrived at the police station. Officers also found cocaine in her pocket.

Fantastic.

All of this comes 1 week after she checked herself out of an alcohol treatment clinic. See that's the problem with these alcohol treatment clinics. Once you're done with them, they tell you that you've graduated and are free to re-join society. But what do people do after a graduation? They celebrate. And how do people usually celebrate? By drinking.

I blame the alcohol treatment clinic.

Police in Florida yesterday broke up what they believe to be a "very professional" cockfighting operation.

The cockfighting operation was discovered when loud cheering was heard coming from the woods. 17 men were captured, including one man who was wearing a hat with the word "COCKFIGHTING" on it. Police also discovered $25,000 in cash, a fighting box, and a grave of dead roosters.

Let's put aside the fact that this supposedly "professional" cockfighting operation was discovered because they were cheering too loudly. What I want to know is how someone finds a cockfighting baseball cap, thinks to himself, "Hey, I like cockfighting! I'm going to buy that hat!", and then wears it TO A COCKFIGHTING MATCH!

First of all, wearing the cap to a match seems a little bit like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see. It lacks imagination and it just makes you look like a cockfighting poseur. I bet he always bet on the bigger bird too.

Secondly, someone actually produced a cockfighting baseball cap, which means there's likely more of them around. If anyone sees one, buy it for me. I want that hat! I can't wait to show it off to the guys in my golf league.

Do you think he wore the hat when he wasn't cockfighting? Where is a tasteful venue to display your cockfighting baseball cap? To a job interview? At brunch with Miffy and Chester? On your Real World 27 audition tape? Church?

Sorry about the lack of stuff this week. I have been busy with work and class and such (plus I got this wicked cool new laptop for work, but there were some challenges with the migration from the old laptop. Boring details of which I'll spare you, but let me just say that there were plenty of curse words involved). As for Greg, he has been busy doing [pause] well whatever it is that he does every day. I have no doubt that it has something to do with him being trapped near the inner-circle of fault (or something like that. Oh, and bonus to whomever knows the reference).

I will promise to have some thoughts to ponder next week. I'm sure the suspense is killing you.

To whet your pallet (is it whet or wet? it seems like it should be wet, but I don't think it is), I'll leave you with one random: I think it's odd that you never see a black guy with a unibrow.

Have a happy weekend Everyone.

You're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over.

It was back in '99, watchin' movies all the time.
Oh when I went away for doin' my first crime.
And I never thought that we was gonna see each other (see each other).
And then I came out, Mommy moved me down south.
Oh I'm with my girl who I thought was my world.
It came out to be that she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me).

You're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over.

A 13-year-old Philadelphia boy has been arrested for allegedly fatally stabbing his 16-year-old brother because the older boy would not let his little brother have a turn with a video game.

This just goes back to what I've always said about little brothers. Can't live with em.... Ya. Can't live with 'em.

A United States intelligence report issued Thursday warns of an increased threat from al Qaeda operatives in Pakistan and Iraq.

Yeah, they needed a report for that.

The report went on to say that there is no credible information to indicate an attack is imminent, nor do they know that if an attack were to occur what kind of attack it would be. Just that hey, the threat is there.

Welcome to 2001.

Reports like these make me question why we even bother. I understand that there is certain intelligence that should not be released to the public. And I'm sure there are details that are known by our intelligence agencies that probably were not put into this non-classified report. But what's the point of releasing something like this to the media when it's essentially the same thing we've been reading in every report for the last 6 years?

I say that until something changes (like the Russians are pointing nukes at us again, or Cuba is teaming up with N. Korea, or the IRA is back in business), the White House should keep their "intelligence" reports to themselves.

[Thankfully, the editors of this blog only allow Brian one rant per month, so he should be done with crap like this until at least August. Also, he stole the title of this entry from one of Norm MacDonald's Weekend Update segments. Then again, if you're a regular reader of this blog, there's a good chance that you already knew that.]

Also kinda funny. Please note that this link was forwarded to me. I am not a regular reader of the esteemed media conglomerate known as All Headline News.

Bus Driver: "Excuse me Miss, could you put those things away please?"

Debora: "What things?"

Bus Driver: "Your happy fun bags. They're quite the distraction."

Debora: "My happy fun bags?!?! What kind of pervert are you?"

Bus Driver: "Hey, I'm not the one walking around with exposed happy fun bags."

Debora: "Good point. My bad."

Kinda funny:

911 dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

Mr. Shelton: "Help, I'm surrounded by Largo police officers."

911 dispatcher: "Okay, just remain calm. Are you hurt?"

Mr. Shelton: "No, but that could change, you need to send the police ASAP!"

911 dispatcher: "No problem Sir. I'm sending help right now. The Largo Police should be there in less than 4 miliseconds."

Mr. Shelton: "Okay, they're here. Thanks for your help."

Greg: What are you guys doing this weekend?
Brian: Well we've got the family reunion tomorrow....
Greg: Family reunion?! I guess I wasn't invited to that.
Brian: Oh.... um... not OUR family.

Man: "Are you gonna go to [the bar] with us after work?"

Woman: "I was going to go to the gym first."

Man: "Really? The gym? You?"

[Brian ducks for cover]

I may have to call shenanigans on this story. The details:

A group of upscale friends are enjoying themselves in one of their backyards, eating steak, drinking wine, probably telling jokes (although this could not be confirmed), and pretty much just carrying on and celebrating the fact that they are all upscale friends who can enjoy steak and wine in a backyard. Enter the hooded gunman (whom we'll call Marty) through an open gate. Marty takes his gun and holds it up to the head of a 14 year old girl (whom we'll call Missy), who is attending the party with her parents. Marty begins to demand cash or he'll shoot poor Missy square in the head. However, party-goer Cha Cha Rowan (her name, not a name I gave her) has other plans.

"We're just finishing up dinner," says Cha Cha. "Rather than waving that gun around and frightening Missy, why don't you instead join us for some wine?"

"Funny you should mention that," says Marty. "I'm quite the wine connoisseur. You wouldn't by chance have a bottle of Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry, would you?"

"Do we?" asks Cha Cha sarcastically. "What kind of party would we be if we didn't have Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry? Here, take a sip of this."

[Marty takes a sip]

"Damn that's good," he says. "How 'bout a group hug?"

[Everybody forms a circle and hugs, Marty shares a tearful goodbye with his new friends and leaves]

"Come back Sunday," yells Cha Cha. "We're all watching Entourage."

- If I’m legally drunk, why am I being arrested? Shouldn’t I have to be illegally drunk?

- When I was younger, I think I may have thought that the President had people actually living in his cabinet. And I don’t remember questioning this. There’s a good chance somebody missed an opportunity to get me to do something really crazy as a kid.

- If I was to ever write a book, I think I would title it "The Riot Act" just so people would have something to read to each other. Of course I’d have to make it about a riot or something, and that’s not really my expertise.

- I’d have one less thing to worry about if I knew how long it took for a lamb to shake its tail twice.

- "Libertarian" is just another word for "can’t make up his mind".

- How come there isn’t a universal term for what we call it when our foot falls asleep? Instead all we’re left with is "pins and needles". I would like to personally nominate "the tinglies".

- The hero of a movie is always good at fighting. Even if he’s a big wuss in the beginning, he ends up being a good fighter in the end. Just once I’d like to watch a movie where the hero gets his ass kicked for about 5 straight minutes, followed by rolling credits.

Click here for an audio compilation of Chris Berman's Home Run calls during the Derby on Monday. I counted 3 different cities, 1 landmark, and countless back-back-back-back's used. They were:

-Sausalito, CA
-Alcatraz Prison
-Stinson Beach, CA
-Half Moon Bay, CA

See if you can pick them out "Where's Waldo" style.

Reading this story, I can only hope the following dialogue actually happened:

Dinner Party Host: "Can you do me a favor and put these leftovers in the freezer downstairs?"

Dinner Party Guest: "Sure. I'll take them down there right now."

Dinner Party Host's inner-monologue: "Hey Jackass, aren't you forgetting something about that freezer? Did you not just kill your wife and son and store their bodies in there?"

Dinner Party Host: "Oh crap, I forgot about killing my wife and son and storing their bodies in there."

Dinner Party Guest (in a shreiking scream from the basement): "HOLY CRAP, THERE'S TWO BODIES BEING STORED IN HERE!!!!"

Dinner Party Host's inner-monologue: "Hey Jackass. Perhaps you should have taken the leftovers down there yourself rather than sending your dinner party guest. Then maybe she wouldn't have just discovered your dead wife and son. Try to play this off like it's nothing."

Dinner Party Host: "Hey are you alright down there? Just put the leftovers in the door and come back up. I'm opening a fresh pinot."

As Greg stated earlier, this week is MLB’s All-Star week. Greg and I (and Dad) had the privilege of attending in 2003 when it was held in Chicago, and the festivities really are a lot of fun. Tonight starts off with the annual Home Run Derby, in which baseball’s best HR hitters get to swing as hard as they can at a slow pitch right down the middle of the plate and try to hit the ball 500 feet or so. The whole concept is kind of stupid, but most people seem to enjoy it (myself included). The only bad part though about the HR Derby, at least as I see it, is the broadcasting. ESPN has rights to it every year, and they insist on force-feeding us Chris Berman as the play-by-play guy. If you’re not familiar with Chris Berman, his voice is similar to the one I would assume you’d hear at the gates of hell. This of course assumes that hell has gates, as well as assumes that there’d be a audible voice to be heard once you got there. My point? I don’t think I have one. Oh wait, yes I do. His voice sucks.

The HR Derby affords him the opportunity to recycle his old clichés such as "back-back-back-back-GONE" whenever a HR is hit, or "this ball’s hit all the way to [insert appropriate neighboring city to where host ballpark is located]" whenever it’s hit for a considerable distance. For instance, when the game was held in Detroit, he busted out this line twice, once saying 'this ball’s hit all the way to Lansing', and the other time saying 'this ball’s hit all the way to Kalamazoo'. It wasn’t funny either time, but it’s almost a lock that he’s going to bust out a similar version again this year. In fact I have little doubt that he has already looked up San Francisco on a map to see which neighboring cities would be the most clever to use (the word 'clever' of course being relative to Chris Berman’s ability at cleverness). So I’m placing odds:

Odds that the following cities will be used tonight by Chris Berman in his attempt at clever broadcasting:

Oakland – 3/2
Santa Clara – 4/1
Sacramento – 10/1
San Jose – 20/1
Los Angeles – 50/1
Other – 100/1

Gambling lines are open, and good luck.

These are the jerseys that the National League All Stars will be wearing tonight during the Home Run Derby and during warm ups tomorrow before the Midsummer Classic. The All Star Game this year is being held in San Fancisco's AT&T Park.

As warm up jerseys go, these look fine, but I can't help but think that the Golden Gate Bridge makes the word look like "NATHONAL". Am I wrong?

I can't be the only one who's noticed this. Didn't anyone else think to point out that it's probably a bad idea to make the word appear "lispy" when the game is being held in San Francisco? And is anyone going to buy a Sanchez jersey?

Conversation between 2 of my co-workers and me while one of them was listening to hold music on his speaker phone:

Co-Worker A: Is that Virtual Insanity?

Co-Worker B: I think it's Jamiroquai.

Co-Worker A: You're an idiot, Jamiroquai is the artist, Virtual Insanity is the name of the song.

Brian: You guys are both idiots. That's Maroon 5.

So I haven't checked the news yet... Did Live Earth fix the environment? It was in the 90s here on Saturday and it's 78 here today so maybe it did. That's a relief.

Seriously though, I still don't understand what the point of Live Earth was. A concert to raise awareness of impending doom? I suppose that makes sense. I've always wanted to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers before I die.

I have to say, the lineup for the concerts did seem to reek a little of the people organizing it. Nothing says, "Al Gore planned this" like "Ladies and gentlemen... I give you.... GENESIS!!!!" I would have loved to be at the pitch meeting when Gore presented his wish list of bands for the event. I'm picturing something similar to a scene from the movie, Major League...

Organizer Guy: I've never heard of half of these bands and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Other Organizer Guy: Most of these bands never had a prime.
First Organizer Guy: This guy here is dead.
Al Gore: Cross him off then.

Here are some golf tips. You may want to have a pen and paper ready.

So a guy stands up at the New York New York casino in Las Vegas and begins to open fire, injuring 4 people. Pretty scary stuff. Money quote within the article though:

"Guests are being informed that it's business as usual." - Casino spokesperson Yvette Monet

Just perfect. What could possibly happen at a Las Vegas casino where they wouldn't claim "business as usual" afterwards?

And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me, and I'll gladly stand up next to you, and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land. God Bless the U.S.A!

- My mom always taught me that honesty is the best policy. It wasn’t until recently though that I realized she was lying. (courtesy of Frank, posted with permission)

- When the Unabomber was a kid, do you think his parents taught him not to talk to strangers? (courtesy of Donald, posted without permission)

- I just got an email from Francesco Berrara letting me know that there are hot girls from my area that want to meet me. He also claims to have a fool-proof method to increase the size of my bobalones. So well, if nothing else, I got that goin' for me.

- Does anybody know when that new cell phone from Apple is coming out? They say it's gonna be a pretty big deal.

- I want to use black plastic garbage bags as luggage, then check into a fancy hotel just to see the look on the face of the bellhop. I’m pretty sure the reaction I’m picturing in my head is better than the one I’d actually get though.

- Every spring, I slip a $20 bill into my winter coat pocket just for the pleasant surprise come fall. But every year it gets wasted as soon as I order Chinese delivery and realize my wallet is empty.

- I just heard a remix of Jermaine Stewart’s song that includes the lyrics 'We don’t have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, oh no'. If it was not made as a joke, everyone involved in its production should be put in prison. If it was a joke, nicely done.

- Before you start your holiday, make sure to click here. It’s a compilation of clips from the Fox weatherman in Charlotte, NC. I think my friend Justin said it best: "this man single-handedly sets white people back 10 years."

- Have a good day off (if you’re so lucky) and try to enjoy yourself. Personally, I’ll be spending my 4th of July Eve the same way that I spend my Christmas Eves: passed out drunk beneath a Christmas tree. Happy 4th Everyone!

I'm at 7-11. My goods purchased comes out to $6.26. I check my wallet; I have a $10 and a $1. I also have a handful of change in my pocket. I hand the guy $11.26.

"Uh, hello," he says sarcastically. "You gave me too much."

He hands me back my dollar, then reaches into the drawer and pulls out 4 more $1's

"You're right, I'm a moron," I say. "My bad."

The sad part is this guy uses up just as much sunlight as the rest of us.

Sometimes I wonder if there aren't advanced alien civilizations monitoring Earth thinking "Why don't we share our vast universal wisdom to help these poor beings out? For goodness sake, they're still wiping their ass with paper!" And then they see something like this and say, "On second thought, let's stay the hell away from them! They're kind of creepy. Let's dissect that cow instead!"

According to this story, humans are using too much of the Sun. It will be reported today in a study published by European scientists, that humans use up almost a quarter of the sun's energy captured by plants, the most of any species. The researchers said the findings showed humans were using "a remarkable share" of the earth's plant productivity "to meet the needs and wants of one species".

What amazes me is that they needed a study to find this out! Are these the same scientists that recently reported that humans are responsible for a sizable majority of the world's automobile production? Were they expecting that other species were going to be responsible for the earth's plant productivity? Are there farms being run by orangutans somewhere that I've never heard about?

And I'm sorry, we're talking about the SUN right? Are we worried that we're wasting the Sun? Is there a Sun shortage? I don't understand what the point of this story is other than to blame humans for something else. There seems to be a large movement of people that are just ANTI-people. They want to blame people for everything wrong on Earth and as far as they're concerned, there's not a problem in the world, be it earthquakes or tsunamis or volcanoes or tornadoes or hurricanes or Ryan Seacrest, that can't be fixed with granola.

This has been the "We're All Doomed!" for Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007.

(oh and Happy Fourth of July Eve!)