1 Happy St

This year at your New Years party, make sure that you're the guy to shout out "FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!!", but instead, do it like every 20 minutes from the time you get there. It'll get good laughs in the beginning, but by the 3rd or 4th time, someone will want to strangle you. Trust me, it'll be the highest of high comedy, at least for you. Okay, onto the Randoms:

- I read Roger Ebert’s original review of “The Brown Bunny” like 3 years ago. So why have I still not seen it yet?

- It doesn’t get much better than hot and spicy Cheese-It’s, Fruit Punch Gatorade, a salami, cheese, and ham sandwich, or a Tivo’d episode of The Office, unless of course all of these things are happening at once.

- As if opening a DVD case wasn’t hard enough, now they started making them with those two little plastic clamps on the top and bottom. What’s that all about?

- There’s so many words that break the “I before E except after C” rule, so why were we even taught it? That’s just “weird”.

- 2006 has come and gone without me ever getting really excited for an upcoming movie. Basically what I’m saying is Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell better get crackin’, and it better not be for Ricky Bobby 2.

- I’m always extra cautious on the drive home from the grocery store if eggs are involved. But really, how much does an egg cost? Like a nickel?

- It defeats the purpose of locking your front door at night if you’re going to accidentally leave your keys in it.

- I hate the guy at work who says “how can you eat there?” when I bring my lunch back to my desk. Like I really need someone to point out that I shouldn’t be eating Taco Bell.

Happy New Year Everyone!

New Years is a stupid holiday if you think about it. All we're really celebrating is a date on a calendar that was chosen arbitrarilly. The Gregorian calendar (yes this blog is just an excuse for me to use the word "Gregorian") could have just as easilly be written with December as the first month instead of January. Then at least we wouldn't have to wait 50 days to play the dang Rose Bowl!

Even the ways in which we celebrate this holiday are retarded. Can someone please explain Auld Lang Syne to me? And gathering in New York to watch a big ball drop? Why? What kind of stupid tradition is that? Watching a giant clock I can understand, but what is the significance of the frigging ball? All it does is drop. Slowly. Until it stops. Ohhhh, how exciting, get the kids!!!

Personally I just think that New Years Eve is just a consipiracy put forth by the American Broadcasting Company so they can get their money's worth out of their animatronic "Dick Clark" robot. Oh yeah, you didn't know that Dick Clark's been dead since the 70's? Just look at those soul-less eyes. Of course he's a robot. He'll be paid off in 2016.

- I desperately want to like the new show on TBS called "My Boys". But why do they have to force-feed us that heavy sports-related dialogue? Does anybody talk like that? Okay, we get it, she’s a girl and she likes sports!

- I’ll continue to watch it though as long as Jim Gaffigan is involved. But it’s not a good omen if this is the only reason I continue coming back. Thoughts on the show anyone?

- If there’s a better feeling than putting on a brand new pair of socks, I urge you to come up with one. Okay not really, but you know what I mean.

- There’s 5 stages to being an SNL fan: first, you’re too young to watch it, but you’ve heard things. Second, you fall asleep mid-way through it. Third, you watch the whole thing. Fourth, you miss all of it because you’re not home. And fifth, you fall asleep midway through it again. Sadly, I’ve reached the 5th stage.

- Every time I see the Dunkin Donuts marketing slogan "America runs on Dunkin", I kinda get sick to my stomach a little bit.

- The week following Christmas is always kind of lame. But it’s even worse if you know your New Years plans suck.

- We’re at the point now where cell phones can do everything EXCEPT make phone calls. "Well it gets a crappy signal, but look, it turns into a fishing pole!"

Our family just got over the bug that's been going around. My 6 year old got the worst of it, which made for a particularly enjoyable drive to Grandmas house on Friday afternoon. My condolences to the maintenance crew of the I-94 Exit 42 rest area. If I'd known it was going to end like that, we wouldn't have stopped for Wendy's on the way. But at least it wasn't in my van!

Speaking of diseases, I'm guessing that they named "Heart Disease" on a Monday or a Friday. Or maybe on the first day back from a long Christmas weekend. Seriously, they totally mailed it in on that one. Why not just call emphysema a "Lung Owwie"?

So I’m walking into my office this morning and I notice a couple co-workers of mine staring down at me from the 6th floor window. Thinking they’re making fun of me, I jokingly give them "the finger". But I get no reaction. Turns out they weren’t looking at me. I look down a bit and notice a guy I don’t know staring down at me from the 5th floor window.

Oops.

We here at 1 Happy St. would like to wish you and yours the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny effing Kay.

Here's a little gift from us to you.

I am guessing that these things sell really well.

Does anybody think Rosie O’Donnell is funny? It seems like every week we get to watch yet another clip of Rosie saying something insane, followed by the producers of The View issuing a statement either apologizing for it, or brushing it off as Rosie being Rosie. But what I can’t understand is why anyone would want to sit through a full hour of painfully unfunny dialogue by painfully unfunny women at a roundtable. Seriously, who is watching The View? It has to have an audience or else it wouldn’t be on. Perhaps it’s a lack of options. Maybe people just don’t have anything better to do in the morning than watch Rosie O’Donnell and her cohorts slobber all over each other. So I’ve come up with a short list of things to do that would be both more fun and more productive than watching The View.

- The obvious, go to the dentist. Everyone could use a good teeth-cleaning, right?

- Shop for groceries. Do you know what you’re doing for dinner tonight? No, you don’t. So go buy some food.

- Go to the post office. You need stamps.

- Get a massage. This one’s obvious.

- Build a fort. When was the last time you built a fort?

- Watch Ellen’s show. It’s only a couple clicks of the remote away. Enjoy.

Quote from Mr. Kruger in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld: "Boy we really took it on the chin this year."

A couple quotes from George Bush yesterday: "2006 was a difficult year for our troops" and "next year will bring more painful U.S. losses."

Let's all be thankful our new defense secretary isn't George Costanza.

Thoughts while reminiscing about Nickelodeon...

1. Kenan Thompson from Kenan & Kel is now on SNL. Does that mean Kel Mitchell is under suicide watch? Is it already too late? Would anyone have noticed?

2a. I would have rocked Double Dare. I could catapult a slimy rubber chicken like nobody's business.

2b. Family Double Dare was a joke. Everyone's mom always effed up the physical challenges. Good grief, Mom! How frigging hard is it fill up a bucket with gak while transporting it with a cup strapped to your head? You IDIOT!!

2c. I didn't realize until years later that the grand prize of a trip to Disney World for finishing the obstacle course was a crap prize considering the kids were already in Orlando to tape the frigging show! Good thing I just swam through that giant tank of mashed potatoes to get that red flag! Thanks a lot, Harvey!

3. I liked the dark haired girl from Hey Dude! way more than Christine Taylor... But I was always confused that her name was Brad. That left me with more questions than I needed at age 13.

4. Whenever they rerun the episode of Friends where they show Monica's prom video, I'm always thrilled to see Donkeylips is her date.

5. Did anyone else find Mr. Wizard to be kinda creepy? He just didn't look like someone with whom you'd leave your 13 year old girl alone. I remember one episode in particular in which he was pricking a poor girl with pins to illustrate the size of a human nerve. What the hell?

For some reason, certain people are just better hosts on SNL. Tom Hanks is always good. So is Christopher Walken, Steve Martin, and Jim Carrey. After last Saturday's episode, I think we need to think about adding Justin Timberlake to that list. The whole episode wasn't a winner, but the first hour was. So by my calculation, he's now 2 for 2. Click here to watch the highlight sketch while you still can.

[Editor's note, it has sound and may not be appropriate for surrounding audiences]

By now, you all know the story. Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was arrested late last week after his home was raided by police. During the raid, the local police found illegal weapons, loaded and ready, lying around his house. This of course came less than a year after he was arrested for essentially the same thing, and for which he is currently still on parole for. Two days later, his “bodyguard”, who was in his home at the time of the raid and was charged with felony marijuana possession, was shot dead in a nightclub in Chicago in which Tank Johnson was also present.

Did I get that right? Yeah, I think so.

My immediate opinion after I heard that his bodyguard had been killed was that the Bears should distance themselves as far away as possible from a guy like Tank Johnson after incidents like these. He obviously has some problems that he’s choosing not to deal with, and he’s certainly not helping the Bears in the “role model for kids” department. However, after thinking about it some more, I’ve had a change of heart.

Do I really care if local kids are negatively affected by this guy being on the team? No, I don’t. I can sit here and tell you that it’s a shame and kids look up to him and he’s bad for the city, but that’s all crap. All I really care about is the Bears winning the Super Bowl. And if Tank Johnson is the best player they have at his position, then so be it.

Go Tank!

We here at 1 Happy St. were trying to think of ways to reach a larger spectrum of people including people like convicts, she-males, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebs, dickheads... and we could think of no better place to reach all of those people than MySpace.

Visit our MySpace page here and add us to your friends.

- Whenever I get my haircut, the lady who cuts my hair always asks me how I want my sideburns. I never know an acceptable answer to this question. So from now on, I'm just gonna say "long like Elvis".

- It's never good when you hear someone sneeze, followed by them saying "oh no" while they run to the bathroom.

- Were any of you disappointed in Nicole Richie’s mug shot? I was hoping for something like Nick Nolte or Rip Torn, but she actually looked okay. What a let-down.

- You know that guy who collects all the steel and metal who drives around the neighborhood with washers, dryers, water heaters, and steel pipes hanging from the top of his pickup? You never see his truck empty. It's always over-flowing with crap and looks like it's about to spill out all over the road. But then it never does.

- I could never be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge because I can't puff out my chest for a full hour like those other guys on the show can. Eventually I have to exhale.

- It's not a good idea to ask a group of people which is better, the Zune, Zin, iPod, or any of the rest of the 1000 different available MP3 players. You're setting yourself up to get a hundred different answers and you'll be more confused afterwards than you were before you asked.

- Something tells me every female fan of "The Office" is pissed at Jim for being so mean to Pam this season while every male fan is glad he's dating the hot tan girl.

- I have an email address that nobody knows about, so I never get any mail sent there. I recognize the stupidity, yet as you read this, that address is still in service.

- If you really think about it, participating in Secret Santa at work is either really dumb, really smart, or completely pointless, depending on what kind of gift-giver you are.

- I can watch this video 100 times a day [Editor's note, be prepared for sound].

1. Why did Ray ask his dad if he wanted to "have a catch" rather than "play catch"?

2. Did Dottie Hinson intentionally drop the ball in order to let her sister be the hero?

3. When the bus drove off the end of the highway, shouldn’t it have gone straight down?

4. Did Mickey lie about why he was incarcerated to spare Pee-Wee from the details, or was he really arrested for cutting a mattress tag?

5. Why did Jason Melon and Derek think Valerie Desmond was hot?

6. How did anyone in that tournament beat Dutch?

7. Why didn’t Principal Vernon hear the window breaking, how did the window break, and did anyone ever get in trouble for it?

8. Did Brian Flanigan and Jordan have to go through some sort of couples counseling?

9. Why didn’t Initech back up their accounting system in case of emergencies such as the building catching on fire?

10. How did Matty Banks and his friend reach the pedals in order to move all those cars?

11. Why was Col. Jessep so mean to Lt. Weinberg during the final courtroom scene?

12. What is in Marsellus Wallace’s suitcase?

13. Why did Sam Wheat cast a shadow on the street when he walked?

14. Did the DCFS finally intervene at the McAllister household after the New York debacle?

15. If Teddy KGB was connected to the Russian mafia, why would he let Mike McD talk to him like that after Mike just took him for $40,000?

16. Why didn’t Ferris break into his school’s computer to change the number of his sick days prior to it reaching nine?

17. If Ivan Drago’s punches were the equivalent of over 2000 pounds, is it realistic that Rocky’s head wouldn’t have popped right off at the start of the 3rd or 4th round?

18. Did "People’s Court" really air at the same time in every region that Ray and Charlie drove through?

19. If Truman had the authority to change the mission entirely by sending Harry Stamper and his crew up to the asteroid rather than using actual astronauts, why didn't he have the authority to over-rule the military advisor who detonated the bomb from Earth.

20. Why was it necessary to transport all of those criminals on the same plane? Couldn't they have transported them in shifts?

Can you name all 20 movies referenced?

The story: Steelers linebacker Joey Porter called Browns tight end Kellen Winslow gay following their game last Thursday night.

The reaction: People are upset at Porter for using "gay" as a derogatory term.

The apology: "I would just like to say it was a poor choice of words in the comment I made. If I offended anybody, I apologize for that. I only meant to offend Kellen Winslow."

Brilliant.

Just Brilliant.

- I had this prediction last Thursday: Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. Okay, so I didn’t get the score right, but I was right on with Rex, and did you notice it was 28-13 late in the 3rd quarter? Damn I’m good.

- I wish my older brother would have made himself famous on SNL, then in the movies, and then overdosed on cocaine. Because then I could be a no-talent ass-clown who would ride his coattails for 30 years, have my own TV show called "According to Brian", and I would get myself invited into the MNF broadcast booth during a Bears game and make every Chicagoan watching the game cringe whenever I spoke.

- Question from Jill after a Rams defensive back got whistled for pass interference in the 3rd quarter: "Shouldn’t the defensive player WANT to have pass interference?"

- You can make fun of me all you want for continuing to watch football games with Jill, but I thought that was smarter than anything Joe Theismann said all night.

- It’s true, pass interference is a dumb penalty. Imagine explaining it to a kid who’s learning football for the first time. "Okay, your job as the cornerback is to interfere with the pass. But make sure you don’t get called for pass interference." You have to hand it to Jill, that question was almost brilliant.

- I love it when Joe Theismann predicts what the penalty will be by saying things like "this is gonna be holding on the Rams", then it turns out to be something like illegal contact by the Bears, but then nobody in the booth calls him out for being wrong. Stop making penalty predictions Joe!

- Why didn’t anyone mention that the Rams center couldn’t get the ball to Bulger when he was in the shotgun? Every snap was at Bulger's feet, but it wasn’t mentioned once. These new MNF announcers need a lot of work.

- I saw a commercial for athlete’s foot medicine. I think they should come up with a new name for it rather than athlete’s foot. Athlete’s foot sounds good. I want to have athlete’s foot. It would sure beat Fred Flintstone foot or pigeon foot.

- If you would have asked me before the season started which players on the Bears I would least want to lose to injury, I would have said Brian Urlacher one, Tommie Harris two, and Mike Brown three. But even now that two and three are gone, I still feel okay knowing that one is still around. There’s nobody better than that guy.

I think my 6 year old is done with Santa. Sure, it's a little sad, but mostly, it's a relief. Santa sucks. We'd go out and spend all that money on presents and that fat bastard gets all the credit!

I figured this out a couple years ago and ever since, I've been deliberately setting Santa up. The boys would come down Christmas morning and all the presents would be under the tree. The ones from Mom and Dad were wrapped but the ones from Santa weren't, so it would be clear what was from whom. Last year, Santa got them a couple of dinky toys, some clothes and some candy in their stockings. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad wrapped all the really good presents so the boys would know they were from us. It never mattered anyway, because by the end of the day, after being intoxicated with sugarplums, Santa still got all the credit! Some-of-a...!

This year my 6 year old got wise to the whole charade. Look who's ho-ho-hoing now, Chubby! And I'm eating all the cookies, too!

This is the 200th post at 1 Happy St.
To celebrate, I give you Territory War. Enjoy.

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The Situation: An Islamic group plans to build a mosque on an 11-acre site that they own in suburban Houston.

The Problem: Neighbors of that site don’t want a mosque built near their homes, citing concerns about property values, drainage, and traffic.

One Neighbor’s Solution: He built a track on his property that will hold pig races every Friday night.

That Neighbor’s Reasoning: Muslims hate pigs.

Everything about this story is true. Read it here. Pay particular attention to the neighbor’s quote at the end about his efforts to avoid becoming a laughingstock. It’s fantastic.

Not to discount the work of Ronald Reagan but I think that it would have been a lot harder to win the Cold War had Mikhail Gorbachev not had that ridiculous birthmark on his head. It's hard to take someone seriously when they've got a map of Alaska on their melon.

- I’ll eat a Twizzler if I’m hungry and it’s the only food available. But I don’t understand why someone would buy them from a gas station when there's other options like Cheez-Its, Doritos, or Slim Jims.

- I had never even heard of Orange Julius until that ridiculous SNL sketch with Sylvester Stallone a few years ago. But even now, I’ve still never seen one. Same goes for Sonic Burgers. Where are these places?

- Is it Rainbow Sherbert or Rainbow Sherbet? I think I always tried to avoid this question altogether whenever I was at Baskin Robbins by slurring something like "I'll have the Rainbow Shermermanbetman" while pointing at it through the glass.

- There is nothing more uncomfortable than being at a sporting event where the person singing the National Anthem screws up the words. But I’m sure it came pretty close for the people who were at the Dolly Parton tribute concert during Jessica Simpson’s performance. Poor Jessica.

- I like Ketchup on my hot dog. There, I said it. Now quit giving me crap about it.

- 7-11 Slurpees are just one of those items that mean more to you when you’re a kid than when you’re an adult. Same with McNuggets.

- Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. You heard it here first. But please don’t rub it in on Tuesday morning if I’m completely wrong. That would just be mean.

- "Mike" did his good deed of the day two nights ago by helping Old Guy, whose car was stuck in the snow right down the street. "Mike" helped push Old Guy’s car out of the snow, and Old Guy thanked "Mike" countless times afterwards. That "Mike" sure is a swell guy.

It's December and January can't get here soon enough. You see, I have a Family Guy calendar on my cubicle wall and this month's calendar image has caused quite a stir around the office. I was actually looking forward to this month's calendar for most of the year but now I'm regretting it.

This month is Lois. I'll admit that I have quite the crush on Lois (if one can have a crush on a cartoon). But in this picture, we have the lovely Lois in a skimpy teddy with the caption "GOT MILF?" I thought it was harmless enough. I was wrong, though it's not what you'd expect.

It's not as though my workplace is so uptight that someone's upset about the risque Lois on my wall. Uptight, no. Naive, yes. The problem is that a couple of people have asked, "What's a MILF?" One of them was an older woman. Luckily my phone rang at that exact moment so I never had to answer. Now I have to take the calendar down in case she comes back.

Did you know that 22% of people in the United States under the age of 35 have a negative net worth? Basically what this means is that for every 5 people you see who are under age 35, there’s a good chance that one of them is worse off financially than a homeless guy holding a cup with a quarter in it (unless of course that particular hypothetical homeless guy is homeless because he was late on his mortgage). Interesting, no?

So the next time you see a panhandler out on the street begging for change, be sure to tell him that he’s better off financially than 20% of the people in this country who are under age 35. Or just give him another quarter and move on.

I just discovered a freckle on the back of my hand that I had never noticed before. Perhaps I don’t know the back of my hand like I thought I did.

I haven’t yet figured out if Tenacious D is a joke or not. If they aren’t a joke, then that just makes them an average band with strange songs. If they are a joke, then I just don’t get it. They’re not particularly funny, and they’re not particularly good. So what else is left?

I think people give them a pass because Jack Black is likable, and he’s done things in the past that people have collectively enjoyed. He’s also done things that have been tongue-in-cheek funny. But this I just don’t understand. I saw their performance on SNL on Saturday and I had no clue what was going on. There was a giant robot and I think I saw some fire-breathing dragons or something. But nothing about it made me think, “wow, this is really funny” or “wow, they're really good”. So what was the point?

Somebody please help me understand Tenacious D.

- I’m not jealous of people who live in warm-weather climates. Today, I sit here with buff arms from shoveling thousands of pounds of snow while they’re all fat and flabby from sitting on their front porches drinking beer. So there.

- Quote from Bears coach Lovie Smith: "The reality is we're 10-2. We just won the division with Rex [Grossman] at quarterback, so that's what I go on." Okay, so I’m confused: does he realize they did the same thing with Kyle Orton last year?

- I’d be satisfied if I never again have to see the Volkswagen Jetta commercial with that horrific collision at the end.

- Speaking of commercials, do you think the guy in the "this is our coffee break" portion of the Chevy ad got fired for sleeping on the job?

- People talk about computers today the same way they talked about cars in the 1960’s and 70’s. "Man, this thing is fast. It’s got 2 processing cores with a 2.0 GHz processor speed per core, we’re talking about some #### muscle."

- Maybe Rex Grossman had the Vikings defense on his fantasy team. You ever think of that?

- Any time you can keep a one-loss team out of the championship game because they lost to the top-ranked team by 3 on the top-ranked team’s home field, you gotta do it.

- I would have thought that the person who invented the plug-in candle was an idiot. But it turns out they’re a genius.

- If I put "annoying and unfunny" on my resume’, would the producers of The View be interested in me as a potential co-host?

- I saw Ben Wallace up close and in person on Saturday night. He looks like Dennis Rodman on offense and Eddy Curry on defense. This is going to end badly.

- Every couple weeks, my bed gets a new pillow. But I never lose one of the old one’s. How long can this continue?

This song is stuck in my head so I'm getting it stuck in yours. Damn you, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend."

Ok, so either those pictures of Britney's goodies were doctored, or she's got a crooked vagiene. Earlier this week, I got an email from a friend of mine with a link that said "you have to check this out". So I clicked the link, and there it was. Britney's crooked vagiene.

"No way this is real," I thought to myself. "I mean really, it's crooked."

But since then, I haven't heard any denials from Britney or her people. I've only heard from others commenting that they saw Britney's vagiene. So was that real? If so, I may have to burn my retina's.