1 Happy St

“Yeah, I did it,” said Tour de France winner Floyd Landis. “I was in friggin 11th place at the time with 3 stages left.”

White Sox pitcher Jon Garland got into a heated argument with Ozzie Guillen in the dugout after Garland failed to retaliate for a White Sox batter getting hit by a pitch. “I knew Ozzie would be pissed,” said Garland. “I was actually hoping they’d send me to the minors like they did with [Sean] Tracey so I wouldn’t have to deal with this guy anymore. He scares me.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry let Dusty Baker know today that his job as manager was safe through at least the end of this season. “I stopped paying attention to this team 2 months ago,” said Hendry. “The last thing I wanna do now is have to find a new manager. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for my vaca……er I mean scouting trip to the Caribbean.”

“Why couldn’t they just fire me already?” wondered Cubs manager Dusty Baker. “What do I have to do, show up to the game with no pants? Hmmmm. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go take off my pants.”

The Tennessee Titans agreed to terms with 1st round draft pick Vince Young on Thursday to a 5-year deal that could total $58 million. “We’re sure glad he’s signed,” said Young’s agent Major Adams. “He’s a QB, and he throws like Uncle Rico. So we feel lucky to have been offered anything at all.”