1 Happy St

It’s too bad for my resume' that companies don’t put a whole lot of stock in such skills as "makes good use of that’s what she said" or "keeps his desktop icons meticulously organized" or "always finds the cleanest bathroom stall" or "the uncanny ability to pick just the right amount of time to heat his food in the microwave". Otherwise I’d be in high demand.

Now that Candace Parker is pregnant with Shelden Williams' child, isn’t it about time that Hollywood makes a movie based on their life starring Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan? They could call it "Love & Basketball" or something.

A congressional panel overseeing the $700 billion bailout program says "it has no idea" what banks are doing with the money lawmakers approved last fall to stave off a looming financial crisis. Hmm, it’s a good thing they’re not a congressional panel in charge of oversight.

People who have never worn contact lenses don’t understand what it means to have a bad contact lense day. So allow me to explain it. Imagine someone stabbed you in the eye with a fork. Okay now imagine you have to keep the fork in your eye all day. Yeah it’s like that.

The Illinois House of Representatives voted 114-1 to impeach Hairdon’t. Good news. I look forward to the day when nothing becomes of it. Hey, aren’t there 118 representatives in Illinois? Yes there are. So who were the 3 who didn’t vote? Maybe they were busy voting on that other huge story out of Illinois.

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day: chewy red hearts. My least favorite part of Valentine’s Day: everything else.

What is the likelihood that the part of your windshield wiper that does the worst job during a snowstorm is the part that’s right in your line of sight? Is it 100%?

On that note, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless the apple is tainted with poison.