1 Happy St

If you didn't watch The Office last night, you probably don't want to read on because there will be spoilers.

Overall, I thought the season premier episode of The Office was fair. It might just be that I need build up my immunity to the asininity of Michael Scott again. His personality is so grating that last night was like nails on a chalkboard. I'm sure that after a couple episodes I'll start to find him endearing again, but last night he was just irritating.

Pam and Jim are together. But they're not telling anyone? Why? I think it's just because they like playing with people's heads. It's driving Kevin insane not knowing. Jim and Pam were pretty much just lovey dovey yesterday which I suppose is a shout out to all the teeny-bopper fan sites that were clamoring for "Jam" to get together. Hopefully the whole season won't be like that. I don't really care what Jim and Pam do after work, but in the office I want them inventing diseases and hiding cell phones.

Dwight killed Angela's cat. On purpose. Classic Dwight. Will we see Andy make a go at Angela this season? That would get us back to the Dwight-Andy conflict that was so great last year.

The "fun run" was a decent enough story line and all the circumstances surrounding the giant check were brilliant. I'd give this episode a B-. It wasn't their best effort but there were some memorable scenes.

What were your thoughts on the episode? Where do you think they're going to go from here?

***UPDATE: Remember to vote in the Office Poll on the left column!

I realized that with Brian gone this week, he and I are sort of like a mom and dad. Hear me out on this...

Brian is like the stay at home mom. He is constantly contributing content to the site and always here when you need him. Whereas I tend to pay attention to the exterior of the site... Making sure the links work, updating the interactive poll, things like that... Dad stuff! Like mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. Occasionally I contribute content but let's face it. Brian does most of the work. And with Brian gone this week, I'm left in charge of the house and the dishes are piling up and I'm wearing a dirty shirt I pulled from the hamper because I'm all out of shirts. But don't worry, kids. Mom will be home soon.

But here's some bloglets while we wait...

I have never seen a man with no arms riding a bike but I bet if there is such a guy, his friends are sick of hearing him say, "Look, Mom! No hands!"

Painkillers are probably the only medicine with the word "killer" in the name. I wonder why that is.

A friend of mine gave me grief for using the word "guff", which I found to be ironic.

I took a correspondence class but I didn't get a very good grade. I totally mailed it in.

I'm guessing that book stores in San Francisco get a disproportionate number people demanding refunds for the Curious George books.

Tonight is The Office season premier. Don't forget! Check this spot tomorrow for discussion of the hour-long episode.

World famous mime Marcel Marceau has died at the age of 84. It's unclear at this point what he died of, but I'm betting that he was choking and his friends just thought that he was just doing a bit. There are no reports on what his last words were.

There's a new poll posted in the left hand column in honor of the season premier of The Office this Thursday.

Let us know your favorite character in The Office. Feel free to let us know why you chose who you did in the comments section of this post.

Dinkin flicka!

According to this story, my former 3rd grade classmate Paul Munich was simply ahead of his time. He knew what he was doing. Sure we all thought he was a freak and we made fun of him endlessly and I'm sure he developed a wicked complex as a result of all the crap we gave him about it. But as it turns out, he was the smart one and we were the dumb one's.

Paul Munich, if you're out there, please cross me and a host of your other 3rd grade classmates off your list of "people to kill", put on some red lipstick Danny McGrath-style, and continue going to town on that schnoz of yours. And please accept my sincerest apologies.

The Intercollegiate Studies Institute performed a study where they asked students from 50 different colleges and universities across the country a series of multiple choice questions relating to U.S. History. According to the results, we don't know beans when it comes to our own history; on average, college seniors got about 30 correct out of 60 questions.

As you can imagine, educators and chairpeople and historians and parents and clergymen and politicians and bus drivers and the like are up in arms about the results, saying things like "we are failing our students" and "we need to focus more on educating our young people in regards to our own history" and "this bus wreaks of puke". At first glance, I couldn't agree more. 30 out of 60? That's horrible. But then I got a look at some of the questions.

Examples:

1. The power of judicial review was established in:
A. The Constitution.
B. Marbury v. Madison.
C. McCulloch v. Maryland.
D. The Bill of Rights.
E. A presidential executive order.

2. The struggle between President Andrew Johnson and the Radical Republicans was mainly over:
A. United States alliances with European nations.
B. The nature and control of Reconstruction.
C. The purchase of Alaska.
D. Whether to have a tariff.
E. Whether slavery should be allowed in the Federal Territories.

Apparently the folks behind the questions forgot about answer F - who gives a shit?

Maybe the educators and chairpeople and historians and parents and clergymen and politicians and bus drivers should leave these kids alone and let them continue to do important things like drink beer and tear down goalposts after their football team wins a big game. I bet if you asked those same students who won the blue ribbon for best beer at the 1893 World's Fair, more than half would know it was Pabst.

Hey, that's U.S. History, right? And important history indeed.

[Editors note: to take the quiz yourself, click here]

It's been a while since I've posted some bloglets. Let's see if I still remember how to do this...

Knowing that boys (and grown men for that matter) are so amused by poop references, why would they decide to put the word "Duty" in the Cub Scout Promise?

I don't care who knows it. After getting 3 fillings yesterday, I'm a raving anti-dentite! I'm still in pain. And she didn't even have newer magazines.

I've come to the conclusion that I choose fast food restaurants based on whether or not they serve Pepsi products. As far as I'm concerned, all fast food is going to make me feel like I ate road kill so I might as well have my favorite beverage to wash it all down.

Are there bipolar bears? "GRrr!!! I'm going to eat your face off! Oh look, a picnic basket!"

Ok, I'll admit it. That joke was a borderline.

Boxer briefs are like the bi-sexuals of the underwear world (would that be the underworld?). They can't decide what they want to be and frankly you wish they'd just pick one and go with it.

There's no excuse for violence against women... unless they are tickling you.

I guess I've been thinking about this latest O.J. saga and there are a few things that have me confused. I'm not sure why I'm wasting my time thinking about it, but sometimes I need some nonsense that in no way affects me personally to occupy my brain a little bit. I apologize for using this forum to waste your time with it too.

O.J. Simpson - the man who allegedly murdered two people and got away with it 13 years ago, finds out that somebody has stolen some of his sh## and is hiding it out in a Las Vegas hotel room. Being the detective that he is, Simpson and some of his hired goons decide to raid the room in order to get it back. They do it with guns blazing and curse words echoing throughout. Then they all get caught.

Now he's being held without bail and facing 7 felonies, including kidnapping and armed robbery. If convicted, he could be looking at a life sentence.

Doesn't all of this seem a little too perfect? Is this the prosecution's way of saying "yeah, Los Angeles completely eff'd up those murder charges 13 years ago, but we'll get him this time with this nonsense"? It kind of reminds me of when an umpire of a baseball game knows he blew a call, so a few minutes later he makes up for it by making another ridiculous call that helps the team that he screwed over moments earlier. This new O.J. situation seems a little too close to that, only on a much grander scale. When did O.J. Simpson become Al Capone? The only charge missing from that list is tax evasion, and I'm sure there's someone at the IRS looking into that right now as I type this.

I hate to say this, but I think they should just let the man play his golf and leave him alone. He beat the system, can't we all move on now?

If after reading the following story, Shelley Duncan does not jump to the top of your list of favorite Yankees players, then I have no room for you as a friend. Then again, if you have a list containing your favorite Yankees players, I have no room for you as a friend anyway.

I'll summarize:

That 10-year-old kid over there on the right, Griffin Whitman, is a Red Sox fan. Last Friday night, young Griffin attended his first Red Sox/Yankee game at Fenway and managed to get Yankee's rookie outfielder Shelley Duncan to sign his spiral notepad. First of all, I hate to pick on a 10-year-old baseball fan, but with a name like Griffin Whitman, doesn't he deserve to get picked on just a little bit? And a spiral notepad? What happened, he couldn't find an old kleenex from his mom's purse? And why is he getting autographs from Yankee players? Somebody needs to teach this kid a little bit about that rivalry.

Okay so anyway, check out what Duncan wrote. Just classic. Now Griffin's mom is upset and complaining to the Yankee's management.

I say bravo Shelley Duncan. Very well done. That mom is just upset because she's raising a pansy. Young Griffin needs to toughen up and enjoy the free pub. And sell that notepad on eBay or something.

[special thanks to Ridgeway for the tip]

Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the FBI is investigating leads that there may have been a professional hit put out on the life of Kevin Federline, ex-husband of Britney Spears. The story also reported that "the FBI [has] made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger."

Topping the list of potential suspects that could want Federline dead: His dignity.

We'll call this situation 'Chicago Bears 2006 redux':

Co-Worker A: "I'm glad they won, but I still don't feel comfortable watching Rex heave the ball downfield for an interception 5 times a game."

Co-Worker B: "It's Lovie Smith and Michael Angelo's fault for continuing to tell Rex that the job is his even though he doesn't deserve it."

Co-Worker A: "You mean Gary Angelo. Michaelangelo is a painter."

Co-Worker C: "Actually, his name is Jerry, not Gary."

Co-Worker B: "Well whatever his name is, it's his fault."

Brian (sitting quietly but thinking to himself): "My brain hurts."

We've posted a new poll in the left-hand column. We hope to have a new poll posted every Monday. This week's poll is about poles.

If you have any other poles you'd like to vote for, please use the comment section of this blog entry.

Actual quote from OJ Simpson:

"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas."

Today comes news that former Buffalo Bills star running back and film actor, O.J. Simpson is being questioned by Las Vegas police in connection with a break-in. While it seems as though each new day brings with it a new example of a celebrity in some tangle with the law, this latest example is truly shocking.

According to reports, Mr. Simpson allegedly entered the hotel room of an acquaintance and left with some sports memorabilia that may or may not have belonged to him. Some reports say that Simpson claims that the memorabilia was, in fact, his own and he was simply reclaiming it.

I for one, hope that the allegations against O.J. Simpson are found to be untrue as I would hate to see his reputation as a star athlete and movie star scarred by something as serious as robbery.

The following story is courtesy of DeadSpin and 100% real (according to the guy behind it)...


Amir and Streety Bird have been friends for years. Last week, they attended a Yankees game, along with Streety Bird's girlfriend Sharon. Amir took this as an opportunity to play a fun little prank on his friend. I'll summarize:

Amir contacts the Yankees before the game and asks them to put a message on the JumboTron. The message is simple: "Sharon, will you marry me? - Streety Bird". Streety Bird and Sharon are of course oblivious to Amir's plan, so the makings of an historic prank are now in motion.

Cut to game day, about the 5th inning. The message appears on the scoreboard. Streety Bird sees it. Sharon sees it. What a beautiful moment, right? Nope.

Streety Bird is confused.

"What the hell?!?!" he thinks to himself. "I didn't put that up there."

Sharon, thinking the proposal is real and for her, turns to Streety Bird and says "Yes, of course I will marry you," or something of that nature.

Streety Bird is now horrified.

Amir is beginning to realize that his prank has consequences he had not previously foreseen.

Streety Bird explains to Sharon that he did not put that up there. He adds the words "I don't wanna [bleeping] marry you."

Uh oh.

Sharon slaps Streety Bird across the face with an open palm and storms away.

Wow.

According to all involved parties, all of the above is real. This may be the best and worst prank of all time. I'm leaning towards worst, but part of me wishes I was there to see it.

- I think people over-utilize the word "utilize". Why not just use "use"?

- People often cite Evelyn Hall when they say they disapprove of what I say, but they’ll defend to the death my right to say it. So you mean to tell me that you would die in order for me to continue speaking my nonsense? That’s a bit extreme, no? Personally, I’d much rather see the person speaking the nonsense die.

- I was always a little surprised that the orange-flavored tootsie roll didn't catch on more than it did. That sonofabitch tasted better than the chocolate.

- I like Kanye West’s music, but at this point, would anyone care if he simply went away?

- I’m convinced that bug spray doesn’t do shit.

- Have you ever given a comedian courtesy laughs to sub-par jokes because you always found them to be funny and you’re not ready to concede that their act has grown tired? I think I’m beginning to feel that way about Sarah Silverman.

- Ha ha, you’re still Jewish, that’s funny. Eh.

- I just read that the kid who plays Harry Potter is 22 years old now. Where am I? What year is this? What the shizz?

- I just read that the White Sox gave Ozzie Guillen a contract extension that will continue to pay him through the 2012 season. Where am I? What year is this? What the [bleep]?

- I have no idea if multi-vitamins do anything to help me, but they turn my pee a flourescent yellow color, and that’s good enough.

- Have you ever given Brian courtesy laughs to sub-par randoms because you always found them to be funny and you’re not ready to concede that his act has grown tired?

- Ha ha, fluorescent pee, that’s funny. Eh.

- Am I the only person who gets a little excited when I get to bust out a sweater for the first time?

- Don't you wish more restaurants served sloppy joe? Why hasn't Arby's thought of this yet?

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

I saw Britney Spears’ performance at the VMA’s Sunday night. To call it a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks. Have you ever been watching a movie where a couple of guys infiltrate a women’s aerobics class as a hideout from a big guy who is chasing after them, so they desperately try to fit in and look inconspicuous while trying to keep up with the instructor and the other women in the class?

Really? You haven't? I've seen that cliche'd scene in like 5 or 6 different movies.

Well anyway, Britney’s dance moves kind of looked like they were inspired by those guys.

Just a fantastic job.

Stolen from The Corner because it's just too great!

Courtesy of a friend of mine. No commentary is necessary.

I don't feel like critiquing the entire chat by Joe Morgan from this week. However, I would like to point out a quick contradiction in theories by our resident moron (and yes, I realize that it took research on my part to come up with this, so I am now borderline stalking this guy, but I'm doing it all for you guys, so please enjoy).

From 2 weeks ago:

Otto (CA): Joe, do you think the A's will ever get some guys that know how to manufacture runs by advancing the baserunner, bunting and stealing a base or two? It's frustrating watching this team as it is dead last in the AL West in runs.
Joe Morgan: Well they are built on walking and hitting home runs, and they have not been doing that a lot this year...During the regular season...you can at times get away with looking for walks and trying to hit home runs, but once you enter the playoffs that is not the case. That is why they have struggled in the post season. They may win the division with that philosophy, from time to time, but they will never win a World Series like that.

From yesterday:

Josh W NY, NY: Do you think any National League team has any chance to beat an American League team in the World Series?
Joe Morgan: Any team that gets into the playoffs can win the World Series. The AL will be favored, but look at what happened last year. In a short series anyone can get hot and win; so yes an NL team can win.

Fantastic!

Have any of you heard about this story? Apparently, this 31-year-old man named John Haley of Chicago likes to go around pushing Asian fishermen into Lake Michigan in the early morning hours. He did it on July 31st and the fisherman survived. Then he did it again in the early morning of September 1st, but this particular fisherman couldn't swim, so he died.

What kind of hobby is this?

The story gets weirder. Haley is an anti-racist skinhead. I didn't even know that existed. He's part of a group called S.H.A.R.P., which stands for SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice.

And his hobby apparently targets Asian fishermen.

How much irony can one story have?

And what kind of moronic anti-racism group shaves their heads? Why not go the whole 9 yards and wear white sheets on their heads?

My head is spinning.

I'm bored with hurricanes. Am I really supposed to care about every single one? I can understand paying attention to the ones that hit a little closer to home like Katrina or Hugo or Andrew, but there are a bunch of hurricanes a year. There has to be some sort of criteria to merit 24-hour non-stop cable news coverage.

Nothing against Honduras, but I really couldn't care less. I don't know anyone in Honduras. I don't even know anyone that's ever been to Honduras. If you gave me a map (because, like most Americans, I don't have access to maps), chances are I would not be able to show you where Honduras is. I've only got so much sympathy to give and right now, it's all tied up in feeling sorry for people that watch Rock of Love with Brett Michaels.

I also feel like the only reason cable news companies even care to cover hurricanes is so they can have one of their shmuck reporters out there in the wind and rain. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to watch Anderson Cooper get hit with a piece of aluminum siding and palm branches?

I guess I just don't get it. I feel like today's Hurricanes are all named Rodriguez to me. Ok, this whole blog just came out wrong. I'm stopping.

In case you hadn't heard, the University of Michigan football team lost on Saturday to Appalachian State University, 34-32. The storied Michigan team, which has won more college football games than any other school, began the game ranked 5th in the nation and was considered a contender for a Bowl Championship Series game, if not the National Championship game itself. With many returning starters, Michigan was set to improve on their 2006 season which saw them lose only once in the regular season en route to the Rose Bowl.

That's all gone now.

After one game, Michigan now finds itself as the laughingstock of the entire sports world by losing to a school that most people had never heard of in front of their home fans. I was one of those fans and I will tell you that the walk back to the car after the game on Saturday was a true walk of shame.

To put it in perspective, the entire population of Boone, NC, where Appalachian State University is located, is 13,328. It would take EIGHT Boone, NCs to fill up Michigan Stadium. In actuality, there were only several hundred Mountaineer fans in attendance, but their celebration was loud enough to fill the Big House as the 109,000+ Michigan fans exited in stunned silence.

Under the current BCS system, a single loss almost certainly eliminates a team from contention for the National Championship. One can easily conclude that a single loss to an unknown team has wiped out any hope that Michigan ever had for 2007. National sports media has already labeled it the biggest upset in the history of college football. I can't say I disagree with them. It is simply an embarrassing time to be a Michigan fan.

To be fair to the kids at Appalachian State, they played a remarkable game, and by all accounts, they are a very good team. ASU is the two-time defending Division I-AA National Champion, meaning for the last two seasons, they were the best of the schools you'd never heard of. Which begs the question of Michigan: If you are going to schedule a "warm-up game" against a supposed cream puff opponent, why would you schedule it against the best one? Never mind that a team of Michigan's stature has no business losing to a team like ASU, why even take the risk? The risk far outweighs the reward of winning a game against the likes of Appalachian State.

Michigan now has the arduous task of preparing for a game against the Oregon Ducks, with Notre Dame and Penn State after that. It's going to be a very long season.