1 Happy St

- I think people over-utilize the word "utilize". Why not just use "use"?

- People often cite Evelyn Hall when they say they disapprove of what I say, but they’ll defend to the death my right to say it. So you mean to tell me that you would die in order for me to continue speaking my nonsense? That’s a bit extreme, no? Personally, I’d much rather see the person speaking the nonsense die.

- I was always a little surprised that the orange-flavored tootsie roll didn't catch on more than it did. That sonofabitch tasted better than the chocolate.

- I like Kanye West’s music, but at this point, would anyone care if he simply went away?

- I’m convinced that bug spray doesn’t do shit.

- Have you ever given a comedian courtesy laughs to sub-par jokes because you always found them to be funny and you’re not ready to concede that their act has grown tired? I think I’m beginning to feel that way about Sarah Silverman.

- Ha ha, you’re still Jewish, that’s funny. Eh.

- I just read that the kid who plays Harry Potter is 22 years old now. Where am I? What year is this? What the shizz?

- I just read that the White Sox gave Ozzie Guillen a contract extension that will continue to pay him through the 2012 season. Where am I? What year is this? What the [bleep]?

- I have no idea if multi-vitamins do anything to help me, but they turn my pee a flourescent yellow color, and that’s good enough.

- Have you ever given Brian courtesy laughs to sub-par randoms because you always found them to be funny and you’re not ready to concede that his act has grown tired?

- Ha ha, fluorescent pee, that’s funny. Eh.

- Am I the only person who gets a little excited when I get to bust out a sweater for the first time?

- Don't you wish more restaurants served sloppy joe? Why hasn't Arby's thought of this yet?